Happy new year!

For several years that most popular post on our site has been “Yes, You Should Swallow”. It is the most-viewed individual post, and even though it’s old it still attracts a lot of comments. Since most readers probably don’t read comments to old posts, I thought I’d share a few of the best comments here on the front page (all from wives).

Bonnie from Love, Marriage and Sex left the first comment:

Thanks for the reference! Great post and nice to hear from the male perspective. Definitely agree that wives should try to learn to enjoy swallowing during oral sex.

Jen offers a tip:

I swallow and absolutely love it and would encourage those wives reading this who are leary of it to keep going. Yes, it took a while to get used to. But the intimacy it creates with my husband is beyond spectacular and it is something he loves doing seeing the expression on his face is indescribable. I got used to it by him finishing on my face and after a while I was able to taste it on my lips then I started letting him finish in my mouth. That is all… Jen

Michelle agrees with Jen’s approach:

Just to piggie back on Jen’s posting. Getting a facial from my husband is more of a benefit for both of us. I don’t really like the taste of semen and don’t like it in my mouth. My husband finds it quite a turn on when I let him finish on my face during oral sex. I usually am the one finishing him either with my mouth or with a hand job. My husband loves watching himself drip down my face and chin. I am ok with it and don’t have to take it in my mouth. Good for those couples who enjoy this…

Mia takes pleasure in giving pleasure:

Not sure about most women, but I sure enjoy swallowing! For me I feel like I am doing an incomplete job to my husband if I can’t finish him in my mouth! I am used to the taste, as it is something you need to get used to. If I don’t finish my husband during oral to me that is like having intercourse and not having my hubby finish… That pleases me the most is knowing I made him do that!

Nicole says swallowing is an acquired taste:

I absolutely love swallowing! My husband loves seeing his semen drip out of my mouth and drip down my chin. I must say though it is definitely an acquired taste and may be hard to get used to.

But not every wife likes the post…

Emma really doesn’t like semen:

I’ve attempted swallowing on several occasions. And ended up vomiting every single time. Thankfully we were in the shower each time.

Most women don’t find the taste enjoyable and only do it to please their husband. I find oral in general unbearable, and the thought of swallowing makes me physically ill.

Then again, I dislike sexual fluids in general and refuse to have sex without a condom.

This entire article is absurd in so many aspects that I don’t know where to start.

Ellie doesn’t seem to like sex much at all:

Yeah, not for me…
The five times I’ve chosen to suck my husbands semen depositor, I vomit, once all over him. Yes, I’ve ‘worked on’ my gag reflex to no avail, and the nausea tends to stick with me for hours afterwards. No swallowing or deep sucking for me!! It’s not a wifely duty…sex is not required of women. If a man can’t respect his wife saying ‘no’ then he has problems. Plus sex is ridiculous, ugly and gross, pregnancy is disgusting and children and creepy.

Here are a few others posts on the topic of swallowing:

What do you think? If you leave a comment on this post people will definitely read it!

Reader Derek left a comment on our post about “Mutual Masturbation and Finishing on Her Body” to share the disappointing results of an experiment by him and his wife:

My wife recently allowed me to ejaculate on her breasts, which has been a desire of mine for quite some time. She was reluctant, but agreed. I could tell she wasn’t real excited about it, after the act. I had a wet washcloth there to clean her, afterwards. She has never liked to have my semen on her, even when some just gets on her thigh, etc , which is a little disappointing. Unfortunately, I don’t think this will continue to be part of our sexual routine.

But at least they tried something new right? That’s a win all by itself!

A few days later Derek left another comment, and their win had become a huge victory thanks to the power of communication.

Just wanted to give a HUGE shout-out to Communication!!

The night after the experience mentioned above, my wife and I had an awesome conversation about sex. Just laying in bed together, I asked her how she felt about what I had done, and if I had upset her. Much to my surprise, she said (and I’m paraphrasing) “No, in fact, the warmness of you on me felt kinda good.” Turns out, the wet washcloth I had waiting, had turned ice cold while we were having sex, and that’s the part that she didn’t like (haha, note to self, HOT washcloth!)

We continued our conversation for nearly 2 hours, talking about likes/dislikes/boundaries, etc. It was great, and I think will lead to even better sexual encounters ahead!

Thanks again for the great blog, and encouraging all of us to make our physical love a top priority in our marriages!!

Sexy Corte and I are always excited to read emails and comments like this. It brings us great joy to hear that we’ve played a tiny part in helping a married couple improve their sex life — and we believe it pleases God too! Please don’t hesitate to email or comment to share your sexual victories with us.

Be brave and talk to your spouse about sex.

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to 🙁 You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So, there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play and not real. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play, not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (C’mon… you probably have something you want that you’ve been too shy to share.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Men often have as much body shame as women do, even though it’s not as acceptable for a man to admit it. As I wrote in my previous post about making the most of the size you’ve got, it’s common for a man to worry that his penis isn’t as big, attractive, hard, or potent as it “should” be — according to the standards society imposes through the media. Even aside from pornography — which is a whole problem of its own — simple family sitcoms make frequent penis jokes at the expense of husbands and imply that wives crave a body type that most men don’t possess and can’t attain.

So, the previous post gave some practical tips for husbands and wives to make the most of the penis they share, and in this post I’m going to give some suggestions for how a wife can build her husband up by admiring his penis. Even if your husband has never expressed any anxiety about his penis, I assure you that he takes his member very seriously. Even more than his semen, a man’s penis represents his male power, virility, and essence. These ideas are guaranteed to make your husband more confident, happy, and affectionate (in and out of bed).

  • Don’t be afraid of it. Hopefully your husband is keeping his penis clean (and possibly shaving), so don’t be afraid to get right up close. If you’re uncomfortable around his penis then he’s definitely going to notice and feel self-conscious. The primary way to overcome this aversion is to familiarize yourself with it, whether in a sexual context or otherwise. Look at his penis, touch it, handle it, talk about it, play with it, get to know it. Make friends with your husband’s penis — it’s your penis, too!
  • Physical touch. This probably goes without saying, but your husband loves it when you touch his penis. Don’t touch it reluctantly or hesitantly — be enthusiastic! Use your hands and mouth, of course, but don’t hesitate to use other body parts, too. Your face, neck, breasts, stomach, and butt are all very intimate areas that you can rub against your husband’s penis to show your desire for it. “Can I play with you while we watch TV?” will send your husband through the roof.
  • Admire its physicality. Tell your husband how much you love his penis. Be sincere — what do you like about it? This is a super-easy way for a wife to initiate sex. Examples:
    • “I love how you fill me up”
    • “I love how you feel inside me”
    • “You’re so hard!”
    • “You taste so good”
    • “It feels so good when you slide into me”
    • “Just looking at you gets me so wet”
    • “You’re making my mouth water!”
    • Important note: don’t tell him his penis is big unless it actually is; men know, and if you lie about this it will simply undermine everything else you say.
  • Ask for it before sex. Just like women, men want to be wanted. Even if the husband initiates sex most of the time (which seems common), the wife can validate him by expressing her desire for his penis. Here are a few examples:
    • “I need you inside me right now”
    • “My body is aching for you”
    • “Go slow, I want to feel every inch of you”
    • “Please fill me up!”
    • “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around you”
    • “I’ve been wanting to taste you all day”
    • “I can’t wait to swallow you”
  • Responsiveness during sex. That link can give you some general tips for responding to your spouse during sex. Here are some ways to specifically respond to your husband’s penis:
    • Act like it hurts a little. Not enough to make him stop or worry, but a little moaning and groaning when he enters will go a long way. If he hesitates, just tell him, “No, don’t stop! It feels amazing!”
    • Moaning and groaning in general are sexy. I’m not suggesting that a wife should act deceptivelysimply that you should verbalize the pleasure you’re feeling.
    • “You’re so big!” — again, if he is.
    • “I feel so complete when you’re in me”
    • “You feel so warm inside me”
    • “You feel so hard inside me”
    • “Pound me harder!”
    • “My body feels so full!”
    • “Yes! I’ve needed this all day”
    • “I love feeling you so deep in me”
    • “I can feel you shooting inside me”
  • Show appreciation after sex. Tell your husband how much you enjoyed his penis.
    • “I can’t believe that fit inside me” — again, if plausible.
    • “I’m going to be sore for a while after that!”
    • “I can’t wait to get you inside me again”
    • “Let me lick you off”
    • “You hit me just right inside”
    • “I feel so empty inside without you in there”
  • Enjoy his semen. Read that link for details. Accepting your husband’s semen goes right along with enjoying his penis.

(Update: Marriage 4:29 has more tips for encouraging his manhood.)

Wives, I predict that if you use one of these ideas each day you’ll have a huge positive effect on your husbands!

Do you have a tip to share? Husbands, is there anything you like to hear from your wife? Leave a comment below.

Reader “E” asks:

My wife and I have been reading your blog for a couple months and we are fans of your style. My wife and I recently introduced mutual masturbation into our relationship. We both enjoyed it but felt a bit out of our comfort zone. We were wondering what you and Sexy Corte’s take on mutual masturbation is, both from a Biblical and enjoyability standpoint.

At the risk of being overly graphic: We recently introduced masturbating to orgasm together, in front of one another. It was actually not something we planned, we were engaging in foreplay and she began touching herself and asked if I liked what I saw. I did and decided to go along with her idea and we both ended up finishing together. We were discussing afterword and we both agreed we enjoyed it, but she expressed some awkwardness about having me finish on her (rather than inside as usual).

I think I would enjoy working this “into the rotation”, but it certainly isn’t a replacement for sex. I don’t know how I feel if she’s not comfortable being finished on. I told her I would find it extremely fun to finish on her breasts but she seems uneasy. This confuses me because we both regularly engage in oral sex and she has been finishing me in her mouth for some time.

I suppose why we are really reaching out is how to handle the awkwardness and issues with where to finish, as I don’t think I’d be totally game for kleenex/towel/shirt etc.

There are at least two topics here, so let’s take them one at a time!

First: mutual masturbation, is it wrong? I think the answer is clearly no, there’s nothing wrong with you and your spouse masturbating together, as long as the activity is consensual, mutually satisfying, and done in faith. Sexy Corte and I recommend that you don’t let mutual masturbation dominate your sex life with your spouse — there’s nothing wrong with putting it “in the rotation”, but we think it’s still important to frequently engage in intercourse.

Second: where to finish? Semen is a very powerful symbol and I completely understand your reluctance to ejaculate into a towel. If your wife enjoys oral, then one obvious suggestion is to finish in her mouth and ask her to show it to you on her tongue before she swallows. However, if the visual aesthetics of finishing on her body is specifically important to you, then there are a few ways you might relieve her anxiety.

  • Do it right before she’s planning to shower anyway.
  • Give her a washcloth to hold before you get started.
  • Ensure she’s in a position that feels “safe” — laying on her back might be more comfortable than kneeling in front of you.
  • Promise that you won’t get it on her face, hair, eyes, or wherever she’s sensitive about.

As for enjoyability, your mileage may vary. Until we received your question, Sexy Corte and I had never experimented with me ejaculating on her body — thanks for bringing it up!  So we did it, but honestly it wasn’t a huge turn-on for either of us; it’s more pleasurable for both of us when I ejaculate inside her. The sight of her ready and willing to receive my semen was very sexy, but ultimately the experience was nothing special. Still, husbands are visual creatures, and your wife should be the pinnacle of sexuality in your eyes, so it isn’t surprising that many husbands find it intensely erotic to ejaculate on their wives. Nothing wrong with that!

Finally, I must add that I applaud you and your wife for experimenting outside your comfort zones.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.

How often should you and your spouse have sex? From the Bible, the answer is basically “as often as your spouse wants”. Here’s the most directly relevant passage; check it out, and then we’ll talk about “conjugal rights” other than sex.

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The literal interpretation of this passage is pretty clear: your spouse is entitled to “conjugal rights”… but what does that mean? It’s more than sex.

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

Let’s also consider the use of the word “authority” in this passage. The Greek word here is exousiazō, and it means exactly what you think: “to have power”, “to be master”. You are the master of your spouse’s body, and your spouse is the master of your body. When you got married, you gave up control of your body to your spouse.

Now, this should be obvious but I’ll say it anyway: God expects you to use your authority in a Christlike manner.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

There is no place for coercion or manipulation in a Christlike marriage, only for mutual self-sacrifice and love.