Based on emails we receive it seems that many wives sometimes have a difficult time reaching orgasm, which can be frustrating and demoralizing for both spouses. This difficulty can make the husband feel inadequate, and make the wife disappointed, resentful, or even angry. Don’t settle for frustration — it’s worth time and energy from both spouses to learn how to give the wife amazing orgasms!
We’ve written several posts on the topic of female orgasms:
Wow, that’s a lot of posts. I guess we take the female orgasm pretty seriously around here! You should too. If your sex life is mediocre or struggling, improving the wife’s orgasm frequency and quality certainly can’t hurt.
So then, the primary purpose of this post is to share some informative graphics with you, originally created by VoyeurOfBliss. The graphics describe various types of female orgasm and include safe anatomical diagrams that illustrate the important points. These graphics will be useful to both husbands and wives — Sexy Corte says the diagrams taught her some new things about her own body.
Click on each tiny image and a larger version will appear.
Did you learn anything new from these graphics? Do you have a tip to share? Leave a comment below!
It’s been a while since we’ve posted some links, and I was shocked to see how many of the blogs we had linked to in our sidebar no longer exist! Crazy.
These link posts might seem easy, but they’re actually some of the most time-consuming posts we write. It’s a lot of work to survey the internet for Christian sex content, but we think it’s valuable for two reasons:
We want to bring our readers the best content
We want to share the best readers with other blogs
Open wide — “Many wives feel uncomfortable spreading their legs really wide. But there’s something really arousing to a husband about his wife confidently, unabashedly opening up that area fully so he can have access to see, touch, and pleasure her.”
First, best, and most important is for the husband to wrap his arms around his wife and squeeze her tightly against his body while she trembles through the aftershocks of her orgasm. This period only lasts for a minute or so, but it’s one of my favorite parts of sex! I love enveloping Sexy Corte while she shakes and moans after her orgasm; it’s so intimate to share her orgasm with her from the outside and inside at the same time. This is a great time to whisper in her ear how much I love her and how sexy she is.
As her orgasm subsides, there are several options we enjoy for finishing up my orgasm. By the time Sexy Corte climaxes I’ve been holding my orgasm back for a while and I’m usually ready to explode, so none of these activities generally lasts more than a few minutes!
Roll her over. We’ve gotten pretty good at rolling over together without pulling out: we flip her onto her back while I stay between her legs. With her knees up, this maneuver enables deeper penetration that often makes SC moan and writhe all over again and pushes me over the edge. Then we lay together and cuddle for a while.
Doggy style.Another great position for deeper penetration, and especially pleasurable for Sexy Corte after she orgasms. Her tightness in this position — and the fun of spanking her butt a few times — can make it impossible for me to hold back, but sometimes I go slow and drag things out for a few minutes of exquisitely intense stimulation.
Ride to the finish line. Instead of changing positions, sometimes Sexy Corte stays on top and rides me to the finish line. If the timing is right, we may just orgasm together and collapse.
Multiple orgasms. If the circumstances are just right, sometimes Sexy Corte will be up for having another orgasm! Incredibly fun for me and intense for her. Most of the time one is enough, but sometimes the first orgasm isn’t quite right for some reason and leaves her feeling unsatisfied. That’s no good! After two orgasms she’s usually exhausted and extra-cuddly.
In her mouth. It’s really sexy to me when Sexy Corte alternates between her vagina and mouth while we’re having sex, and sometimes when we’re having sex I think I’d really like to finish in her mouth… but then when it comes time, I decide I’d rather orgasm in her vagina. It’s a primal imperative.
On her body. The husband can also finish on the wife’s body, but that seems like it would be an anticlimactic way to finish awesome sex. We’ve tried this a little, and it doesn’t really do it for us. Also: not an effective form of birth control!
I think it’s pretty common for the wife to orgasm first, so please leave a comment and share you ideas for what to do after her orgasm. Do you change positions?
It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women. To make matters worse, a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.
“Despite increasing focus on women’s orgasms, research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric,” researchers wrote.
I’m glad that scientists are investigating such esoteric topics! I can confirm that this husband really enjoys pleasuring his wife, even if it complicates the conceptualization of her orgasm. I feel like orgasms are something we experience together, rather than being “centric” on just one of us.
What about the idea of “giving” an orgasm to your spouse?
In a separate statement from Chadwick and van Anders, they explained why it’s a bad thing for men to gain masculinity points for bringing female partners to orgasm. “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”
I completely agree that as a husband it feels incredibly empowering to give my wife an orgasm, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Most of the time that Sexy Corte orgasms we’re using a vibrator and she’s on top and in control of the movement. This is the easiest way for her to reach orgasm, and since we have more lust than time we often aim for efficiency. This position is good for me and I enjoy sharing in the pleasure of her orgasm, but it’s not the same as when I give her an orgasm while I’m in a more dominant role. That is a sort of “achievement”, but it’s also very rewarding to know that the woman I love and adore can receive such pleasure from me.
The joy of giving is the reward for assuming the dominant role and doing most of the work in a sexual encounter. It takes work to give pleasure, whether that’s simply an orgasm or a whole sexual experience like trivia night, shibari rope bondage, or poetry night. It takes care and effort to prepare questions, learn how to tie knots, or write poetry, and the reward for that effort is the joy you get from giving to the one you love.
Furthermore, giving pleasure isn’t a one-way street as Cosmo implies. A wife can also find it joyful and rewarding to give pleasure to her husband, and a husband can appreciate the time and effort involved and take joy in the wife who loves him. When Sexy Corte performs oral sex or cleans the ceiling fan it hits me right in my primary love language (Acts of Service, which may also be why I enjoy giving so much).
Far from being harmful, joyfully giving pleasure to your spouse will enhance intimacy and deepen the love and commitment you have for each other. Each spouse can both give and receive pleasure, and your sex life and marriage will be better for it.
How do you approach giving and receiving in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!
If you said, “he ejaculates!”, then you’d better keep reading.
Most people think that female sexuality is more complicated than male sexuality — I love this illustration.
And… ok, it’s probably true! But there are still nuances to a husband’s sexuality that may not be obvious to his wife. For example, did you know that your husband’s orgasm isn’t over when he starts ejaculating? Most people equate ejaculation with orgasm, but a man’s orgasm actually begins a few seconds before ejaculation and can last for up to a minute after. There are two different things going on when a man has an orgasm.
First: Emission. Emission occurs several seconds before ejaculation, when the man’s vasa deferentia squeeze sperm out of the epididymis into ducts near the urethra. Men can feel this emission keenly — it’s very pleasurable — and this is the “point of no return” after which the man cannot stop the orgasm from happening. In these ducts the sperm is mixed with fluids from several glands to create semen. This all happens inside the man’s body and is probably unnoticeable to his wife (unless he’s giving you cues).
Second: Ejaculation. A few seconds after the semen is mixed and in position, ejaculation proper begins with repeated contractions by the bulbospongiosus muscle. These contractions move the semen through the urethra and shoot it out of the body. The contractions and spurting of semen are probably the most notable events for the wife, but ejaculation actually occurs only a few seconds into the orgasm — the whole orgasm can then last up to a minute longer.
After ejaculation the muscle contractions continue with decreasing frequency and strength and the penis gradually loses sensitivity as the orgasm winds down. It varies from person to person, of course, but post-orgasm sensitivity seems quite different between myself and Sexy Corte. After she has an orgasm, SC’s clitoris often becomes so sensitive that further stimulation is unpleasant; after my orgasm, I enjoy continued stimulation for a while until the sensations eventually become rather neutral.
As with everything, the key is to talk with your spouse about what he or she enjoys! Wives, you can use this little bit of biological knowledge to maximize your husband’s pleasure when you are leading a sexual encounter: don’t stop what you’re doing right when he ejaculates. Keep going for another minute or so and he’ll melt.
Missionary position is the most frequently used position for most couples, but it isn’t very effective for bringing the wife to orgasm. Missionary is very intimate — kissing, skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, whispering, hugging — but for most women it doesn’t create enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Sexy Corte usually climaxes while she is on top, and we press our wireless vibrator between our bodies to give her optimal stimulation. We can also get there with doggy style and Old Faithful, but it would be pretty great to make missionary work, too.
If you’re in the same boat as us, here are a few ideas. We haven’t tested them all yet, but when we played would-you-rather this was one of Sexy Corte’s top requests, so we’re going to find a way to make it work!
The first possibility is the coital alignment technique, or “CAT”. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to perform this. The internet describes at least two different approaches, and Wikipedia’s text seems anatomically improbable.
When used as a variant of the missionary position, the male lies above the female but moves upward along the woman’s body, until his erection, which would otherwise point “up,” is pointing “down”, the dorsal side of the penis now pressing against the clitoris; and as opposed to the missionary position, the male’s body moves downward (relative to the female’s) during the inward stroke, and upward for the outward stroke. She may also wrap her legs around his. Sexual movement is focused in the pelvises, without leverage from the arms or legs. The rocking upward stroke (where the female leads) and downward stroke (where the male leads) of sexual movement builds arousal that partners let develop and peak naturally.
So… I think the penis points parallel with the husband’s thighs, and then when he slides his body foot-ward the penis pivots until it points head-ward and penetrates the wife — and during this movement, the top surface of the penis stimulates the wife by rubbing against her clitoris. Unfortunately, my penis doesn’t bend down that way when I’m erect, and it sounds quite painful. Also, I don’t really get how sliding foot-ward “down” the wife’s body will facilitate penetration.
For a completely different approach, consider this diagram:
Here, the movement is vertical up-and-down rather than head-ward and foot-ward, and I don’t quite understand how it provides stimulation to the wife’s clitoris. On the plus side, this approach has the advantage of not bending the husband’s penis at an impossible angle.
In addition to these two different approaches to coital alignment technique, there are three different toys that might help the wife reach orgasm in the missionary position.
Egg vibrator. Simply hold the vibrator against her clitoris with the pressure of your bodies, just like we do with wife-on-top. Easy to try, but I’m not sure if the vibrator will stay put! When Sexy Corte is on top I generally use one hand to position the vibrator, and that won’t be possible in missionary.
We-Vibe. We reviewed the We-Vibe a couple of years ago and we didn’t like it that much — it was somewhat uncomfortable, and it didn’t hit Sexy Corte quite right. That said, we only tried it once and it’s still in our toy drawer. We should give it another shot!
Vibrating penis ring. A flexible ring that goes on the shaft of the husband’s penis and holds a small vibrator in place. Sounds easy enough.
So we’ve got a few things to try, and we’ll report back on our successes!
Have you tried coital alignment technique with any success? Or used any of these toys? Got any tips for wifely orgasms in missionary position?
If you’re a husband like me, then you love giving your wife a huge, body-shaking, scream-inducing orgasm. There’s just about nothing better. Most advice for more and better orgasms focuses on techniques you can use in the bedroom, but some researchers have looked in a different direction: qualities of men who give great orgasms. Here are the male traits that lead to more and better orgasms for their partners, as identified by the study, along with some related links from our site.
Sense of humor: We haven’t written a lot about humor explicitly, but we find that it arises naturally when we get out of our comfort zone, try new things, and free ourselves to look silly. Most recently: Pirates and Poetry Night.
Wealth: Not much to say here, but probably less relevant in a marriage than in a dating relationship.
The researchers wrote: “Orgasm intensity was related to how attracted (women) were to their partners, how many times they had sex per week and ratings of sexual satisfaction.”
“Those with partners who their friends rated as more attractive also tended to have more intense orgasms.”
“Sexual satisfaction was related to how physically attracted women were to their partner and the breadth of his shoulders.”
“Their partner’s sense of humor not only predicted his self-confidence and family income, but it also predicted women’s propensity to initiate sex, how often they had sex and it enhanced their orgasm frequency in comparison with other partners.”
It’s important to realize that all of these qualities are relative. You don’t have to be the richest, handsomest, funniest man in the world — you just have to display some measure of these qualities to your wife! Husbands, however you rate yourselves now, consider ways to move up a notch. Lay off the snacks. Lift some weights. Do some power poses in the bathroom before you go to bed. Buy some shirts that fit.