The Four Levels of Sexual Interest 1

In our marriage we’ve noticed that we have basically four levels of sexual interest, and the level we’re at generally determines how we have sex each day. We believe these interest levels can be a useful tool for communicating with your spouse when he or she isn’t able to read your mind. This post will describe the four levels we experience, and then present a table that illustrates how the the levels affect the sexual activities in our marriage.

Level 0: Wants no sex. At Level 0 you actively do not want to have sex. Level 0 might be due to illness or fatigue, or it might be the result of emotional distress or disconnection between spouses. Level 0 should be rare for healthy people, and if you’re frequently at Level 0 then you should take steps to figure out why and see what you can do to improve your sexual interest. Health issues can’t always be fixed, but they can often be mitigated. Emotional difficulties, tiredness, and disconnection from your spouse can be repaired, and you have a responsibility to work at it.

Level 1: Willing to have sex. At Level 1 you are willing to have sex with your spouse, but you’re not particularly aroused or needy yourself. In a well-functioning marriage Level 1 should be the minimum you aim for, for the benefit of your spouse. Say yes to sex. At Level 1 you’re willing to have sex, even if you aren’t likely to initiate it yourself. In our experience, Sexy Corte generally doesn’t want an orgasm when she’s at Level 1, but sometimes she decides she does want one after she gets warmed up. Women are often more sexually responsive than spontaneous, so don’t neglect the wife’s orgasm just because she may not want one immediately.

Level 2: Wants to have sex. At Level 2 you’re feeling aroused or horny and you want to have sex. A healthy person should hit Level 2 periodically, perhaps in sync with ovulation, other bodily rhythms, or relationship events. When you’re at Level 2 you’re likely to initiate sex, either directly or with indications of interest that your spouse should learn to read. When Sexy Corte is at Level 2 she generally knows that she wants an orgasm. You can encourage Level 2 interest in many ways, including flirtation, foreplay, sleeping naked, and flashing. If you’re not at Level 2 and your spouse is, open yourself up to being elevated.

Level 3: Ready for anything. At Level 3 you aren’t just aroused, you’re Down to Pound. Or DTF, as the young people say. You’ve got high sexual energy and want to do something special. When you’re at Level 3 you want to invest time and create an exciting sexual experience with your spouse. This is the time to try out a sex game, sexual role-playing, a new position, a new location, or whatever else is on your sexual bucket list. It might seem like the stars need to align just right for you both to be at Level 3, but we recommend that you aim for this at least once a month.

Now that we’ve described the four levels of sexual interest, he’s a table that shows how these levels generally impact the sexual activities in our marriage.

The Four Levels of Sexual Interest 2

This table shows how our sex life works in general — yours may be different. You can use this table as a tool to have a conversation with your spouse about how the two of you will act when you’re at each of these levels of sexual interest. There are a few features of our table that are worth pointing out.

  • Sexy Corte’s arousal turns me on. If Sexy Corte is turned on then it’s almost inevitable that my arousal will rise to meet her.
  • When we have sex, I always have an orgasm. This may not be true in every marriage, but it’s true for us. The way we think of it is that each of us should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. I want to have an orgasm every time we have sex, but Sexy Corte doesn’t. As long as we both get an orgasm when we want one the system is working well.
  • If we’re both willing, we lean towards having sex. When we’re both at Level 1 we make an effort to have sex. This usually means that I’ll initiate and we’ll have a fairly vanilla encounter; we believe that setting the expectation for sex is very healthy for our marriage. We’ve created a habit of daily sex, and not having sex is the exception.
  • When Sexy Corte has high energy, we do something special! These are the days when we try all the crazy or weird activities that you read about here on our blog. Hopefully we can hit this level once or twice a month, and it’s awesome when we do.

How do you and your spouse make decisions about sexual activities? Have you talked about it explicitly? Leave a comment and share your experiences.

When I Want an Orgasm 3

Desire for a woman ebbs and flows in tune with her cycle. It can be hard enough for a woman to know what sort of “mood” she is in, let alone for her husband to be able to determine if she wants an orgasm or not. Here are some ways that I figure it out:

  1. During ovulation I am ready to go. I know I want an orgasm and I can feel that desire all day long. There is usually not a lot of guess-work on these days. Husbands and wives, pay attention to her cycle so you can capitalize on these days. Plan ahead and reserve time to devote to having sex.
  2. It’s amazing that one week later PMS can hit. Again, not a lot of guess-work: I most definitely do not want an orgasm. Usually I want extra space and minimal touching.
  3. Then there are the times in between. When we start to have sex El Fury often asks me “what are you in the mood for?” and I’m not sure how to answer. Many nights I don’t know how my body is going to respond. We have learned to give it a little time to let my body tell me what I want. If I don’t feel aroused after a little foreplay, we have sex and I don’t have an orgasm. Other times, a few minutes of foreplay can get me turned on and I’ll have a great orgasm. It can take some cuddling, kissing, and touching to get in the mood. If you jump right into sex you may be missing some opportunities.

Pay attention to yourself. It’s helpful to know how often you need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. For me it’s two or three times a week. For El Fury, it’s more frequent. Don’t deny yourself orgasms just because you aren’t immediately aroused and haven’t taken the time to let yourself get in the mood. Our bodies are complicated!

Tonight, don’t be rushed, take some time and make out for a little while!

The Standing O-vation: Orgasm While Standing Up 4

This sex activity makes the wife the center of attention, while also requiring her energy and focus to make the most of the experience. Even though the husband will be doing most of the active work, the wife will be in a position that is likely unfamiliar to her, which might make it harder for her to reach orgasm. We recommend trying this position when you have plenty of time and energy to devote to it.

(For the purposes of description we’re going to have the wife in the receiving, submissive role and the husband in the giving, dominant role — but feel free to swap roles and have the wife give pleasure to her husband instead!)

We recommend a few bondage implements to make this work, but you can improvise or omit elements that aren’t appealing to you.

  • Handcuffs. We like the fuzzy, comfy kind that are easy to slip off if required.
  • Load-bearing attachment point. You need a sturdy attachment point that’s higher than the wife’s head. A doorway chin-up bar can work, or you can screw a garage hook into a joist in your ceiling. Make sure that whatever you use is the right height and strong enough for the wife to pull on.
  • Vibrator. We recommend a wand vibrator for this activity, but use whatever will be most effective for the wife. This position is already challenging enough, so use her favorite vibrator!
  • Lube. This activity can take a while, so make sure the wife is sufficiently lubricated. Keep it handy so you can re-apply it as necessary.
  • Blindfold. Helps to focus the wife’s mind.
  • Spreader bar. Keeps the wife’s legs apart during intense stimulation.
The Standing O-vation: Orgasm While Standing Up 5

Husband: prepare everything beforehand so your wife isn’t waiting around!

When you’re both naked and ready, here’s what to do.

  1. Turn up the heat so the wife doesn’t get cold.
  2. Put on some sexy music. This activity will benefit from a lack of talking, and music will help the wife attain the required frame of mind.
  3. Cuff the wife’s hands over her head.
  4. Connect the cuffs to your attachment point — don’t make this too high! Her shoulders will be lower than normal once her legs are spread, so ideally her cuffed hands will be right above her head.
  5. Put her ankles in the spreader bar. This will open her up, and also begin to put some strain on her legs. Despite the picture at the top of this post, the wife shouldn’t be on her tip-toes unless she’s really up for a challenge.
  6. Give her a kiss and put the blindfold over her eyes.

Wife: Allow yourself to relax; allow your mind to let go and focus on the sensations in your body; fall into a meditative, dissociative state; take deep breaths; try not to talk; convey your pleasure without words. Your only responsibilities are to enjoy the focused attention from your husband and to open yourself up to an orgasm.

Husband: Now that the wife is suspended and bound, it’s time to begin focusing on her pleasure. Husband, let your imagination run wild as you touch and kiss your wife. Your goal isn’t to bring her to climax as fast as possible, but rather to explore every inch of her body and lead her to an intensely pleasurable orgasm over a prolonged period of time. Here are some ideas for what you can do with her, spending one to two minutes on an activity before switching to another.

  • Intermittent vibration. Use the vibrator on your wife intermittently for one to two minutes at a time, and then remove it. Alternate between the vibrator and the other activities in this list. Gradually increase time with the vibrator and bring your wife to the edge of orgasm without letting her go over until you’re ready.
  • Kiss her all over. And don’t forget to kiss her lips!
  • Perform oral sex on her. With her legs spread it should be easy to reach her lady bits. You’ll probably want to focus on this before applying lube — unless you have some flavored lube!
  • Finger massage. Press the tips of your fingers into her skin and drag them across the surfaces of her body. Spend a while with medium finger pressure, then come back to this activity later with feather-light pressure.
  • Tickle her. Sexy Corte really dislikes tickling, but maybe your wife will enjoy it!
  • Rub her clitoris. Use the Zoom Technique or another pattern. You can come back to this activity as many times as you want.
  • Rub her g-spot. Curl your fingers and reach inside her to stimulate her g-spot. Doing this while using the vibrator is sure to drive her crazy.
  • Enter her vagina with your fingers or penis. Tease the opening of her vulva and work towards deeper penetrations on subsequent visits to this activity.
  • Lick or tease her nipples.
  • Spank her. You should probably ask if she’s up for this before you surprise her with a spanking while she’s blindfolded!
  • Rub her thighs. Her thighs will be stressed because of her suspended position, so there will be extra blood-flow to the region; it will feel relieving and comforting if you massage her inner and outer thighs.
  • Play with her anus. Use a lubricated finger to stimulate her anus. (Be sure to wash your finger off before touching another part of her body with it.)
  • Hug her. Envelop her body in your arms. Nuzzle her neck with your face. Squeeze her tight.
  • Talk dirty to her. Whisper sexy fantasies into her ear. Tell her what you’re going to do to her next. Tell her what you want her to do to you. You can do this while you’re applying the vibrator as well.
  • Put your fingers in her mouth. Have her pretend she’s performing oral sex on your fingers.
  • Make her beg for an orgasm. Before you let her climax, make her beg for it. Don’t make her guess what to say — tell her what to say.

When you’re ready for your wife to orgasm you’ll both have to ascertain if she will be able to climax while standing in this position. The husband shouldn’t push her into it, but the wife should give it her best effort. If it’s just not going to happen, release the wife from the spreader bar; leave the cuffs and blindfold on, while removing the cuffs from the attachment point. Husband, guide your wife down onto the bed and into whatever position is best for her to orgasm. Do whatever you have to do to fulfill the the promise you made her body!

After you’re both done, remove all the bondage stuff and cuddle for a while. When the time is right, you can talk about what you each liked or didn’t like about the activity, and what you would change if you ever do it again.

As a final note: you can also use this activity as an element of a sexual role-playing scenario like Professor and Student or Bratty Wife. It also works well in a scenario where one of you has been “captured” as a pirate, spy, prisoner, etc.

Do you have any suggestions for other activities to do in this standing o-vation position? Leave a comment!

China's Richest Man Urges His Employees to Have More, Longer, Sex 6

China’s richest man and the founder of Alibaba, Jack Ma, urges his employees and newlyweds to follow a “669” approach to sex.

‘At work, we emphasize the spirit of 996. In life, we should follow 669,’ Ma said. His remarks were a wordplay on the firm’s controversial 996 work schedule, which expects staff to submit to 12-hour shifts between 9am and 9pm during a six-day week.

‘What is 669? Six days, six times, with duration being the key,’ Ma said to the 102 couples dressed in wedding dresses and suits at the ceremony. In Chinese, the word ‘nine’ is a homophone with the word for ‘long’.

“996” doesn’t sound great to me, but “669” is a good recipe for building a great sex life with your spouse. Check out the frequency tag here on the blog for a bunch of posts about why having sex with your spouse frequently is important. Here’s a selection.

  • Sex quality is important, of course, but great sex only comes from frequent sex. So if you want to have better sex, start by having more sex.
  • How often should you have sex with your spouse? Create a habit of daily sex. Ma’s prescription of six-times-a-week sounds like a fine destination, but we think you should aim for daily sex. You won’t hit the mark every time, but when you don’t have sex it should be an intentional decision, not an oversight.
  • The beneficial side effects of sex last about 48 hours. Partner bonding, positive moods, and the mental and physical benefits from sex can have a huge impact on your quality of life, so don’t go more than two days without sex with your spouse.

When Ma says “duration is the key” we think he’s hinting at the importance of the wife’s orgasms. Husbands tend to climax more quickly and easily than wives, so it might take extra focus as a couple to make sure that the wife has as many orgasms as she desires. She might not want an orgasm every time you have sex, but when she wants one you should both make sure to take the time required to deliver. Learn about the female orgasm and figure out what the wife needs.

Finally, we think that the wedding ceremony is too late for Ma to be broaching his “669” idea with the newlyweds. Couples who are seriously considering each other for marriage should talk about sex long before they get to the altar. If you’re already married it isn’t too late to have this discussion about expectations and desires, but it’s harder to change course once your marriage is set in its ways. Young people should think about these things before they even get engaged.

So what do you think about “669”? What’s your approach to frequency and duration? Let us know in the comments.

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 7

We’ve removed a few links from our sidebar recently because some of the blogs we loved are no longer actively maintained. If you have a blog that you think we and our readers would enjoy, please let us know!

Unlocking her orgasm — lots of great data from a study of Finnish women… who finish. Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.

Discover the power of words for excitement — “Just like God designed men to get excited by looking at a woman’s body , He designed women to get aroused through words.”

10 Exercise Tips for Busy Moms — these are just as good for fathers! Plus, the key to female sexual arousal is excitement, not relaxation.

If you like our podcast, you may also like these top episodes from Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Mindfulness and meditation during sex — similarly, we’ve written about how intense focus on your senses makes sex great.

Never miss a chance to learn about the penis — and here are some tips for admiring your husband’s penis.

4 reasons to say yes to sex… even if you’d rather watch TV — you can even do both at the same time.

Personal lubrication 101the best lube is the lube you’ve got with you!

How do you know if your wife is faking orgasm?husbands can fake orgasms too!

10 weird sex problems that no one talks about

Got a link to share? Leave it in the comments!

Sex Q&A: Oral Sex Positions, Glow-in-the-Dark Tattoos, Multiple Orgasms 8

Here are a few emails from readers that are worth sharing with the community but don’t require long responses from us. (Some of these responses are from Sexy Corte, some are from El Fury, and some are from both of us.)

Reader “TH” asks:

How can I get my wife to read your site without knowing I sent it?

It’s best to cultivate an open channel of communication with your spouse! However, it can be difficult to get the ball rolling at the beginning. We suggest using Mailinator.com to send anonymous emails — you can even use this service to ask us a question if you don’t want to share your real address with! Simply make up a Mailinator address, or use marriedchristiansex@mailinator.com to send your email. (Note: Mailinator is a good way to send anonymously, but it’s hard to get a response back because the service deletes all incoming messages every hour.)

Wife “DO” asks:

Hello! I would like to ask more details on the Old Faithful position. Is it like 69? Does the wife’s butt face the husband’s face?

Just wanted to say thanks for setting up this website, it has been very informative and educational for married Christian couples who need all the help they can get.

For Old Faithful the husband lays on his back and the wife kneels to his side facing him, with her knees spread and near one of his hips. Then the wife bends down over the husband to perform oral sex. The husband reaches up between the wife’s legs to stimulate her at the same time. See also: “New Faithful”, and “Stimulate Both Spouses While One Is Performing Oral”.

Wife “IJ” asks:

My husband and I have been married for ten years and our sex life is AWESOME! And while I know that my husband loves it, I am often the “initiator “ which I don’t mind but I would love for him to be the sex beggar occasionally.

He works hard and doesn’t get enough sleep sometimes so I know he’s tired and I’m a stay home mom of two and I try to do things to make it easy for him at home. For example: I have dinner ready when he gets home, I lay out his towel and washcloth and always have his clothes clean and hung up so that he doesn’t have to lift a finger at home. We were both married before (unfortunately) so I don’t know if there was a lot of rejection there, but I’ve been very open that I’m ok to do it anytime and I’ve never said no. It may just be personality because he does really love it, I want to be clear that there’s no problem there and he’s very considerate of me. I just wonder if you have any advice on how to help him initiate more. Thank you, I just found y’alls website today… I love it.

It sounds like your sex life is pretty great, so yay for you guys!

It’s common for a wife to want/expect her husband to initiate, because women tend to be more “responsive” sexually, and men tend to be more “spontaneous”. Of course, everyone is different and there’s nothing at all “wrong” with you initiating more than your husband.

So, there’s nothing “wrong”, but you’d still like your husband to do more of the initiating. The best thing you can do is tell him! You may be thinking… “but if I tell him to initiate, aren’t I the one initiating?” Maybe, but he can’t read your mind.

Here are some ideas for what to say to him (if these are true):

  1. I love our sex life. You really satisfy me.
  2. I’d love it if you would initiate more. I don’t know if you’re waiting for some signal from me, but don’t bother. I’ll never say no. Just do it and you’ll see. (If he is worried about rejection, tell him explicitly that you won’t turn him away.)
  3. Here are some ways that I’ll signal that I want you: sleep naked, secret message panties, flash my boobs, etc. Make up an “innocent” signal that tells him to hit on you.

Wife “TJ” asks:

Thank you so much for this site. It has helped me and my husband so much!  We have been married for over 24 years and we have only just begun to view sexual intimacy and pleasuring one another in the correct way. I was much too uptight and focused on being a proper, good church girl. I wouldn’t dare admit I was enjoying our sexual encounters, nor would I give him a lot of attention sexually. It’s very sad looking back. We’ve both talked very openly about this over the last few weeks and it’s like we’re on a honeymoon period!  We’re trying things on your site and it’s incredible how close our relationship has become from the sexual intimacy we’ve been sharing. So, thank you so much!

My question is this: I’m having a harder time climaxing from clitoral stimulation (or any kind of stimulation).  We have sex daily, and on most days multiple times.  I’ve talked with him and he understands that I don’t expect to have an orgasm every time we have sex, but he wants me to at least once a day.  Is this difficulty coming from us having sex so often that I can’t get aroused enough to climax, as I did when we went days (and sometimes weeks) between intercourse?

Have you encountered this before?  Do you have suggestions to help me?  Is it possible for a woman to have an orgasm daily or multiple times every day?

Sexy Corte responds:

This is our favorite type of email to receive. I will say that I’m the same, it’s hard for me to have an orgasm every day. I do alright two days in a row, but if I try for three it’s a lot of work! I do best having 2-3 orgasms per week. Other times, I’m happy to have sex without an orgasm because El Fury does want to have one every day. Also, there’s a big difference in the time required — it takes him less than 10 minutes, for me it takes 20-30. I hope this helps and that your sex life with your husband continues to be fun!

And finally, a recommendation from wife “BA”:

I recommend that you try glow in the dark temporary tattoos! I put them all over my breasts, charged them up with a cell phone flashlight, and it made quite the impression in a dark bedroom. Husband keeps searching for them on Amazon now!

We will have to check those out!

We love to hear from our readers, so drop us a line.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams) 9

Based on emails we receive it seems that many wives sometimes have a difficult time reaching orgasm, which can be frustrating and demoralizing for both spouses. This difficulty can make the husband feel inadequate, and make the wife disappointed, resentful, or even angry. Don’t settle for frustration — it’s worth time and energy from both spouses to learn how to give the wife amazing orgasms!

We’ve written several posts on the topic of female orgasms:

Wow, that’s a lot of posts. I guess we take the female orgasm pretty seriously around here! You should too. If your sex life is mediocre or struggling, improving the wife’s orgasm frequency and quality certainly can’t hurt.

So then, the primary purpose of this post is to share some informative graphics with you, originally created by VoyeurOfBliss. The graphics describe various types of female orgasm and include safe anatomical diagrams that illustrate the important points. These graphics will be useful to both husbands and wives — Sexy Corte says the diagrams taught her some new things about her own body.

Click on each tiny image and a larger version will appear.

Did you learn anything new from these graphics? Do you have a tip to share? Leave a comment below!

Enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Related blog posts:

The Importance of Enthusiasm (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/)

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/)

Sexy Adult Jenga (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/sexy-adult-jenga/)

Naked Marco Polo (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/stories/naked-marco-polo/)

Not having been born with one myself, it took some time and experience for me to learn how to properly pleasure a clitoris — and I imagine most husbands are in the same boat.

If this podcast is a blessing to your marriage, please leave a 5-star review and tell a friend!

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/)

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/)

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 10

It’s been a while since we’ve posted some links, and I was shocked to see how many of the blogs we had linked to in our sidebar no longer exist! Crazy.

These link posts might seem easy, but they’re actually some of the most time-consuming posts we write. It’s a lot of work to survey the internet for Christian sex content, but we think it’s valuable for two reasons:

  1. We want to bring our readers the best content
  2. We want to share the best readers with other blogs

So, without further ado…

If you want to share another link, please leave it in a comment!