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It can be really difficult to open up to your spouse and share your sexual desires, especially if you think your desires are weird or your spouse has previously declined. Vulnerability is tough, but the tips God gave us for talking to him are also applicable when communicating with your spouse.

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

If it’s too hard to ask your spouse for something directly, you can practice through prayer! God is always willing to listen, and he’s happy when we share our desires with him and are willing to submit to his will. Yes — you can pray specifically and explicitly for your sex life with your spouse.

Here are two examples, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex.

The wife could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my husband and our sex life together. I’m eager to have more orgasms with my husband, and I pray that you will bless our marriage and prompt my husband in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my husband’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

The husband could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my wife and our sex life together. I’m eager for her to perform oral sex on me more frequently, and I pray that you would open her up to this idea and prompt her in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my wife’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

Praying openly and honestly to God can help you become more courageous when speaking to your spouse. Pray out loud and get used to saying the words, instead of only thinking them to yourself. And don’t forget verse 3 from above: God is not quick to bless selfish prayers.

Ultimately, you’re probably going to have to speak directly to your spouse. He or she can’t read your mind, and may have no idea what you want — even if you’ve hinted at it a hundred times. God may very well grant your prayer by granting you courage to have a frank conversation. In the next post, we’ll talk more about what this conversation might look like. (See: Talk Explicitly About Your Sexual Desires.)

Do you pray for your sex life? Are you confident enough to share your deepest desires with your spouse? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Here’s a daring activity for your next date: bring a vibrator for the wife to use in the passenger seat while the husband is driving. It seems pretty self-explanatory, but here are some ideas to make the most of it.

  • Prepare your sex kit. Bring her favorite vibrator, some lube, and some washcloths to clean up.
  • Dress appropriately. That is, the wife should wear a dress or skirt and either remove her panties when she gets in the car, or simply go without — either way can be very sexy.
  • Put him in the drivers seat. Even though the wife is holding the vibrator, put the husband in charge of controlling how she uses it. Let the husband decide what power level to use, where she places the vibrator and her fingers, and when or if the wife can have an orgasm. If the wife wants something, she can ask … or beg. He can tell her to go faster or slower, how to to use her fingers, or to get right to the edge of orgasm.
  • Put on a show. The husband should be focused on driving safely, and the wife should do her best to put on a show for him — presentation is everything! She should pull up her dress, throw her legs open, and moan his name loudly as she pleasures herself. Ask the husband what he wants to hear — his name, moaning, purring, or her begging to feel him inside her.
  • Private in public. The wife’s head and shoulders will be visible, but her lower body will be hidden and no one will be able to hear her moaning. This makes for an exciting but safe way to explore sex in public.
  • Arriving at her destination. When she’s close and he’s ready, the husband can give his wife permission to orgasm. Maybe the ride out is a just a warm-up, and she doesn’t get to finish until the ride home. Either way, she should make her orgasm part of the show for him — make it long, and loud, and sensual… whatever will drive him wild.
  • Afterwards. Did you just start your date, or are you home? The husband will be pretty aroused by this point, so I hope the wife is ready for it. If you’re home, well, you know what to do. If you’re still out… it’s time to turn the heat up even higher.

If this idea turns on you and your spouse, here are a few other posts that might connect with you:

If you try this yourself, leave us a comment and let us know how it goes.

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El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
  • We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
  • Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
  • It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
  • When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
  • It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
  • Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
  • Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
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There’s nothing more wholesome and heartwarming than hearing from a reader that you’ve helped make a significant improvement in his or her sex life.

I expect most of Stavvy’s World is NSFW, but I figured this was worth sharing. Here is YouTube’s attempt at an auto-generated transcript, lightly edited by me for clarity:

Remember the guest, the man who was in a relationship where he never got his dick sucked by his wife? And you made some comments like, you know, 20-30 seconds is good enough.

I was listening to that episode in the car with my wife and she heard that, and she had an epiphany, like she didn’t realize you could suck a man’s dick for just 20 seconds and it’d be okay, like he doesn’t have to finish.

I’ve been married for 15 years, I’m an old man, this is awesome her hearing that, and she asked me like, does does it actually count if it’s only like 20-30 seconds?

I’m like yeah it counts!

I had the same type of wife who never wanted to suck my dick, and I’ve been married so long I just made peace with it so long ago. But both of us hearing that episode it’s like, man, it’s like every time brother, like hell yes dude, not a time goes by when we have sex that she doesn’t suck my dick now, for even like half a minute, it’s great.

It’s awesome!

The reaction from the hosts is priceless, and we get it — we love hearing from readers who have been blessed by our content, too!

In Level-Up Your Sex Life we wrote about the what husbands and wives write to us about the most:

  • Husbands want more blowjobs
  • Wives want more orgasms

Blowjobs to completion are awesome, but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! As Flight of the Conchords taught us, “two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven”.

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Here are a selection of emails we’ve gotten recently from newlyweds.

Almost-Husband “AI” writes:

Hi Sexy Corte, I’ve been visiting this page for a while and have enjoyed what you and your husband have been doing. I really appreciate it. I’m a virgin and am about to get married. I’m excited and very nervous. Me and my fiance have been talking about our expectations and have been very clear with each other how excited we are to have sex. We are both very sexual, we make jokes and dirty references (we are remaining pure however) and I’m asking as a male for some advice for the first time. I’ve seen the post someone else made where they asked a similar question and I guess I’m looking for an updated if there is one necessary. I just don’t want to disappoint her and want to make sure our first time is as special as possible.

(Note: Here are the earlier posts: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex and Follow-Up: First-Time Wedding Night Sex.)

I love that you and your future wife are already communicating about sex, that is setting a tone for a great sex life and a great marriage! Your wedding night will be special because it will be your first time together. Don’t put too much pressure on it though. You will have years together to explore each other and learn how to please each other best. Sex in the beginning of marriage isn’t polished, and it’s good to be able to laugh and fumble your way through a little. And that’s beautiful. Keep the focus on each other, your intimacy and love for each other, and less on the performance. I pray that God would bless your marriage and bless your sex life. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “HZ” writes:

Hello, I’m a newly wed, married for almost 7 months. I have yet to orgasm and don’t know how to get there… My husband and I have tried a lot… stimulation with hands, mouth, vibrator, long foreplay etc… nothing has worked yet. Though we love our sex life, we’re both getting discouraged that it’s taking this long. My husband is very supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I think maybe I’ll never orgasm, that maybe there’s something wrong with me and my body isn’t able to? Is that a possibility? Do you have any tips or ideas I could try to get myself there?

Thanks for your email. It can take a while to figure these things out, so have patience and keep trying. Every woman is different, so you have to explore and find out what best pleases you. It’s unlikely that your body can’t orgasm at all.

How long have you tried foreplay for? When I was ‘new’ to having an orgasm, it could take me 45 minutes to an hour. There are times it can still take that long! Having an orgasm is like a muscle that you have to train. When you and your husband are intimate, have the mindset that you are going to work on finding what feels best for an extended period of time. Use lube and have him focus around your clitoris. If he finds a spot that feels good, have him focus there. Make sure you are focusing around the clit, taking enough time, and using lube as needed. Use his hand or a vibrator. Just relax and explore together.

If this persists, you can always talk to your doctor about it. Being married and having sex can take some time to get used to. There is a lot to figure out! You have your whole lifetime together to find out what you like. It can be really fun to discover new things together! I prayed for you that God will open this up for you. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “RO” writes:

Hi! My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I’m currently in counseling and diving into my childhood pains and beliefs. We were both virgins when we got married and since we’ve been married our experience with sex has been up and down.. at least for me and my emotions.

I grew up with movies, pornography and fantasies defining what sex was to me. This made me expect sex to be perfect and extremely pleasurable, but getting married was a wake up call! It takes so much vulnerability and work just to feel connected and successful in our sex life. Recently we went 6 months without sex… that’s so sad! I would help him out with hand jobs and he would occasionally help me out. I noticed that I fantasize about being pursued sexually, however when my husband actually does pursue me I find myself thinking “all he wants is sex” and “he doesn’t really care about you” and other similar thoughts. Then we end up not having sex.

I guess my question is, have you experienced this? How have you pushed through and continued to have sex everyday without feeling abandoned, like that’s all your hubby wants? I know I struggle with even allowing myself to feel turned on so I know I need to dig into this more with possible counseling.

Thanks for your email. I have come to understand that EF will never stop wanting sex. It isn’t all he wants, but it is a biological need that drives him to pursue sex more frequently than I do. Every person is different and has different drives. I know he doesn’t only want sex because we do have many other interests and activities together. Our relationship isn’t only about sex. Sex is a big part of our relationship, and often sets the tone for our interactions outside of having sex.

Your past can shape you but it doesn’t define you. The Bible tells us to set aside the things that entangle us and to move forward. Focus on creating sexual memories with your husband and explore what you like together so that your mind can dwell on what you and your husband have done together instead of how sex was previously defined for you. It’s great that you are talking through these things with your counselor. That can be extremely helpful to sort out your thoughts.

Praying that God would heal you and bless your marriage and bless your sex life!

We get a lot of emails, but we try to read and respond to them all. Please leave us a comment with your advice to these newlyweds!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Were vibrators invented by 19th-century doctors to cure women of “hysteria”? It’s story so good we all want it to be true — but it probably isn’t. From Mara Hvistendahl writing in Scientific American:

For a sex toy, the vibrator’s roots seem amazingly antiseptic and clinical. Prescribed as a cure for the curious disease hysteria, the device for decades found clinical application as a supposed medical therapy.

Derived from the Greek word for “uterus,” hysteria occurred in women with pent-up sexual energy—or so healers and early physicians believed. Nuns, widows and spinsters were particularly susceptible, but by the Victorian era many married women had fallen prey as well. In the late 19th century a pair of prominent physicians estimated that three quarters of American women were at risk.

The prescription of clitoral orgasm as a treatment for hysteria dates to medical texts from the first century A.D. Hysterical women typically turned to doctors, who cured them with their hands by inducing a “paroxysm”—a term that hides what we now know as a sexual climax. But manual stimulation was time-consuming and (for the doctors at least) tedious. In The Technology of Orgasm: “Hysteria,” the Vibrator and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, science historian Rachel P. Maines reports that physicians often passed the job off to midwives.

Thanks to the vibrator, doctors and midwives could give their hands a rest and patients could get the treatment they needed… in the comfort of their own homes.

Patients were happy, too. The number of health spas offering vibration therapy multiplied, and the service was so popular vibrator manufacturers warned doctors not to overdo it with the modern appliance: if they met relentless patient demand, even mechanical vibration could be tiring. By the turn of the century needlework catalogues advertised models for women who wanted to try the treatment at home, making the vibrator the fifth electric appliance to arrive in the home—after the sewing machine, the fan, the teakettle and the toaster.

Ok, it’s a great story, but Fern Riddell is here to ruin our fun.

So did the real Dr Granville invent an electronic device for massage? Yes. Was it anything to do with the female orgasm? No. He actually invented it to help stimulate male pain relief, just as massage is used today.

Victorian doctors knew exactly what the female orgasm was; in fact, it’s one of the reasons they thought masturbation was a bad idea. A few theorised that it might be beneficial to a woman for her period pain, but the majority of doctors saw the art of self-pleasure as highly dangerous to your health.

This attitude was not because they were on some sort of anti-pleasure, or anti-sex crusade, but because orgasms were actually important to the Victorians. Marriage guides discussing the sex act often claimed that a woman in a sexually satisfying relationship was more likely to become pregnant, as the wife’s orgasm was just as necessary to conception as her husband’s. A book called The Art to Begetting Handsome Children, published in 1860, contains a detailed passage on foreplay, and shows us that, for the Victorians, sex, pleasure and love were concepts that were universally tied together. In A Guide To Marriage, published in 1865 by the aptly named Albert Sidebottom, the advice to young couples exploring their relationship for the first time is that “All love between the sexes is based upon sexual passion”. This is something I’ve come across time and again in researching Victorian attitudes to sex: sexual pleasure, and especially female sexual pleasure, really mattered.

So if doctors were using vibrators to treat their female patients, everyone knew exactly what was going on. The idea that female orgasms were discovered by humanity a mere 200 years ago is absurd when you think about it — our ancestors were just as sexual as we are and knew how to have a good time. But the story is still fun, and might make for an enjoyable doctor-patient role-playing scenario!

Addendum: There is merit to the use of sexual intimacy to heal and recover from grief or stress, but that’s more psychological than medical. If any wives out there have experience treating their “hysteria” with “paroxysms” please let us know in the comments!

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In this episode El Fury and Sexy Corte discuss what they’ve learned about sex during their first decade of marriage.

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Related links:

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In this episode we answer common questions from newlyweds and talk about sexual frequency.

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Sexual frequency: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/frequency/

How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/how-to-talk-with-your-spouse-about-sex/

Level-Up Your Sex Life: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/level-up-your-sex-life/

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We get this question from readers a lot, so here are a few techniques for delaying the husband’s orgasm. Every man is different, so what works for one may not work for another. These ideas are also no substitute for talking with your doctor if you think you may have a medical issue.

  • Have an orgasm earlier in the day. Enlist your wife’s help in the morning so that you can last longer in the evening for her benefit.
  • Shallower penetration. In general, the the more surface area of your penis is being stimulated the faster you’ll climax. Control depth to control orgasm. Focusing on just the head of the penis will maintain stimulation but probably make it much harder to climax.
  • Reduce visual stimulation. Men tend to be visual creatures. The more you can see of your wife and the actual penetration the harder it will be to delay orgasm. Same goes for auditory stimulation. Reduce these stimulants to avoid going over the edge.
  • Switch to a different position. Changing positions can be enough to slow things down and give you a chance to back off from your orgasm. If you need to, switch to a less comfortable position (for you) — for example, if you’re used to lying down, try a standing or kneeling position instead. (Assuming you want your wife to climax first, keep her comfy!)
  • Gently tug on the balls. The husband or wife can wrap a hand around the husband’s balls and gently pull them away from his body. Depending on your position his balls can be hard to reach, but this works well in positions other than face-to-face, like doggy style and oral.
  • Think unsexy thoughts. This doesn’t work very well for me, but it seems like the #1 suggestion from others.
  • Train yourself to be aroused by your wife’s orgasms. I’m not exactly sure how I’ve accomplished this… I’ll need to think about it and write another blog post. I can hold off my orgasm for a long time until Sexy Corte has hers — and then I fall off the cliff. I think I’ve conditioned myself to have an orgasm in response to hers.

Do you have any other tips for delaying the husband’s orgasm? Leave a comment and share your wisdom.

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What is orgasmic meditation and how do you do it? How can OM benefit your marriage and sex life?

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/present-moment-orgasmic-meditation/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/

“The Male Clitoris”: Frenulum Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/the-male-clitoris-frenulum-technique/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:28 — 29.9MB)

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