In our last post we wrote about praying explicitly for your sexual desires, and after you talk with God it’s time to talk with your spouse! This post will give you some ideas for how to do that. (You should also check out How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

In this post we’re going to continue using the same examples we used previously, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex. One of these is a desire for more of a specific sex act, and the other is a general desire for more orgasms — hopefully you can adapt the ideas in this post to whatever your personal circumstances are.

Remember the key verses we discussed:

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

After you’ve shared your explicit requests with God, here are some concrete conversational steps you can take to share them with your spouse.

  • Pray first. Read the previous post on praying for your sexual desires, and ask God before you ask your spouse. Remember: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome.
  • Go in with the right attitude. Let your words demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: kind, gentle, loving, joyful, patient.
    • “I really enjoy having sex with you.”
    • “Our sex life is really important to me, and I’m eager to make it as awesome as possible.”
    • “I think you’re very sexy. You’re the only person I ever want to have sex with.”
    • “I have something I’d like to ask you for. It’s something that’s important to me that I want to share with you.”
    • “I’ve been praying about our sex life, and there’s something I want to ask you.”
    • “It’s ok if you don’t respond right now. You can take time to think and pray about it yourself.”
    • “I’d also love to know anything I can do for you.”
  • Be direct, specific, and explicit with your request. Your spouse can’t read your mind! Maybe you’ve been giving hints and leaving clues, but you aren’t married to Sherlock Holmes. It takes courage to let yourself be vulnerable by speaking your desires out-loud to your spouse and facing possible rejection. Hopefully your spouse will appreciate your openness!
    • “I really enjoy when you give me a blowjob, and I’d like you to do that more often.”
    • “I really like having an orgasm with you, and I’d like to do that more often.”
    • “Would you be willing to do that once a week?” “Once a month?” “Every time we have sex?”
    • “I’d like to have three orgasms each week. Would you be willing to try that?”
    • “You often do X, but would you consider doing Y instead?”
  • Listen for your spouse’s response. Your spouse may enthusiastically agree to your request… or maybe not. Maybe your spouse will have questions or concerns. Maybe your spouse just isn’t sure how to respond immediately. Be quiet and create conversational space for your spouse to think and respond. Don’t jump in with arguments or persuasion. Just listen. You’ve been thinking and praying about this for a long time, but this may be the first time your spouse has considered your desire. It might take several days for your spouse to respond — that’s ok! Chill.
  • Negotiate. After your spouse has responded in full, it’s time to negotiate. If your spouse simply agrees to your request, then shut up. Don’t talk past the sale. If your spouse is reluctant or unwilling, then you need to have a discussion about how you might be able to reach a compromise. You may not get everything you want, but maybe you can get some of what you want. The ins-and-outs of negotiation are beyond the scope of this post, but the point isn’t to change your spouse’s mind. The point is to find a compromise that is satisfying to both people. Don’t invalidate your spouse’s response, but explore the space and see what’s possible.
    • If your spouse simply agrees with your request: “That’s great, thank you so much. I love you.”
    • “Then would you be willing to give me a blowjob once a week?” “Once a month?”
    • “Would you be willing to give me an orgasm twice a week?”
    • “What if we reserve Friday nights for this?” “Or Saturday morning?”
    • “What if we try it a few times and see?” “Can we try it for a month and see how it goes?”
    • “How about if we do it occasionally, but not every time?”
    • “Is there anything I could do to make it easier or more appealing for you?”
    • “I understand, thanks for considering it.”
    • “Can we talk about this again in a few months?”
  • Make a specific and explicit agreement. Hopefully you’re able to find some kind of resolution that satisfies both of you, even if it’s just “try and see”. You don’t need to write a contract, but make sure that you’re on the same page so that expectations are aligned. You can always change things later, but you’ll both be frustrated and annoyed if your spouse thinks you’ve agreed to something you haven’t.
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you a blowjob every week.”
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you three orgasms every week.”
    • “Yes, let’s do this every Friday that we’re able to.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it on our next date.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it for a month and see how it goes.”
    • “Thanks for sharing this with me, I’m glad we talked.”
  • Be grateful and follow through. Needless to say, when you make an agreement you need to follow-through on it. Don’t make your spouse “remind” you. Be proactive, joyful, and enthusiastic. If you’re the receiving spouse, make sure you notice when you get what you asked for. Be grateful and joyful, and don’t forget to thank God for granting your request.
  • Keep praying. Pray without ceasing. Maybe your spouse agreed to your request… or maybe not. Either way, keep praying. God never gets tired of our requests, and he’s eager for your sex life with your spouse to be great! God is always at work, so keep your eyes open and thank him for what he’s doing around you every day.

Leave a comment and let us know how your explicit conversation goes!

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El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
  • We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
  • Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
  • It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
  • When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
  • It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
  • Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
  • Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
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Sexy Corte and I just listened to divorce lawyer James Sexton on the Lex Fridman podcast, and he offered a bunch of interesting relationship advice from his perspective as a person who has had a front-row seat to thousands of divorces. (We shouldn’t need to say it, but we will: we don’t endorse all his advice!)

Sexton says that the number one predictor of a break-up is disconnection — when spouses stop trying to impress each other and stop doing the little things that demonstrate their love for each other. He illustrated this idea with a story called “granola and blow jobs” that you can read on his blog.

I was speaking with a female client once, during a long wait in Family Court before a divorce was finalized. I asked her when she knew her marriage was officially over and she told me, in an uncharacteristically nostalgic and melancholy tone, that it was NOT when she caught him texting with his mistress, and NOT when she found the bank records that showed he was gambling his entire bonus rather than bringing it home. It was months before all that when she noticed, for the first time, that he stopped buying her granola.

“There was this particular brand of granola that I like and when we were first dating and married he would always notice when I was running low on it and get me a new bag of it when he would go to Whole Foods for lunch (he worked in the Time Warner Center above the Whole Foods). I never mentioned it to him – I don’t know that I really noticed all that much that he did it – but it was a nice feeling – that he noticed I was low on my favorite granola, and that he knew it was my favorite, and that he was thinking of me while he was in Whole Foods and brought it home for me and didn’t even think to point it out and try to “get credit” for all of that. It was just something he did because he was thinking of me and knew this silly small unique thing gave me pleasure. One day I noticed I was out of that granola and he hadn’t bought it for me. I was a little surprised but I didn’t think much of it. The next time I ran out I left the bag on the counter as a subtle hint – but he never bought it for me again. I think there was a part of me that knew, at that moment, I was no longer on his radar and things were heading south.”

I asked her if there was anything like that on her end of the relationship and she replied flatly:

“Blow jobs.”

I almost spit out my coffee.

“I know it sounds silly and it might be inappropriate to say – but I used to give him blow jobs a few times per week. It took all of five minutes in the morning and for the rest of the day he was all giddy and happy. I got a kick out of how much he enjoyed it. But after some time married I started sleeping in a bit more and I just didn’t think to take that five minutes to do it. Plus I had this feeling of, I don’t know, resentment – like I don’t OWE him a blow job and I’ve got 50 things to do today – he can wait until I get home tonight and we can have sex so both of us enjoy it. But I guess that was his granola in some ways. I don’t know.”

So there it is. Granola and blow jobs.

What are the little things you do for your spouse that demonstrate your love? Don’t forget to consider your love languages (and podcast episode)! If you want your spouse to feel loved you should try to speak in their love language, not only your own. If you want to feel more loved, learn to recognize when your spouse is trying to show you love in their native love language, even if it’s not your own.

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This quote from a Reddit user was aimed at single men and women, but the metaphor is from the Bible. Proverbs and Song of Solomon both use the imagery of refreshing water to represent the sexual life of a married couple.

Proverbs 5:15-18

Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?

Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Song of Songs 4:12-15

You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates
with choice fruits,
with henna and nard,
nard and saffron,
calamus and cinnamon,
with every kind of incense tree,
with myrrh and aloes
and all the finest spices.

You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon.

The idea behind the quote from Reddit is that women can have as much bad sex as they want (swamp water), and men can’t get any (no water). We can’t speak for single people, but unfortunately this lament isn’t far off from what we hear from many married Christians! In Level-Up Your Sex Life we quoted emails from a bunch of readers who gave two-pronged advice:

If you’re looking to level-up your sex life consider taking these tips from our readers: as many orgasms as the wife wants, and oral sex for the husband.

Every person is different and every marriage is different, but what we hear from our readers most of the time is that Husbands Want Quantity, Wives Want Quality. As Sexy Corte wrote:

Quality is better than quantity. That statement is beneficial in many ways. But what if quantity is the quality? Husbands often view sex through that lens. We get a lot of emails from readers asking about frequency. Men want their wives to have more sex. Women wonder why their husbands want to have sex so much, and often comment that they don’t enjoy it. Here are some thoughts on how to improve the quality and the quantity.

God wants sex with your spouse to be an overflowing fountain of pure, refreshing water! What can you do to bless your spouse with abundant refreshment?

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As Sexy Corte once told me, “Take her easy — and if she’s easy, take her twice.” Here are a few other sayings that you might be familiar with:

  • Proverbs 10:5 – “He who gathers crops in summer is a prudent son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.”
  • Strike while the iron’s hot
  • Carpe diem — “seize the day”
  • Opportunity knocks
  • Make hay while the sun shines
  • You snooze, you lose
  • Catch the wave
  • Let your winners run
  • The stars are aligned

Every couple goes through periods when sex and intimacy are difficult. Time and energy are scarce, stress and busyness are high, and the two of you just aren’t connecting. Sexy Corte and I have been going through a period like that for a few weeks: a minor house remodel has taken more time, effort, and money that we expected, and work has been busy and stressful.

These times can be frustrating and nerve-wracking, but eventually they pass. We’re almost done with the remodel, and work is easing. Sexy Corte is on a fun trip with one of our kids, and she’ll get home tomorrow. And then…

When the timing is right, have sex twice! Take advantage of the good times in life, when your relationship is solid, when communication is strong, when you have time and energy — don’t waste it. Let your love overflow. Invest in your sex life, and your investments will pay off double the next time you struggle.

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Maybe you look like Michelangelo’s David or maybe you “do the best with what you’ve got” — either way, the time and energy you invest into health and fitness can pay off in your marriage. Obviously there’s more to a good marriage than fitness, but fitness is the topic of this post. Consider 1 Corinthians 6:19-20,

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I (generally) like this list from T-Nation, so let’s consider their “8 Reasons to Marry a Fit Person” from the perspective of married people who want to be the best version of themselves for their spouse.

1 Fit Marriages Are Less Likely To Become Fat Divorces

Google one of those “Top 10 Causes of Divorce” lists. Money and infidelity issues are always at the top but look further down the list. What do you see? Weight gain.

When relationship columnist David Eddie scoured anonymous relationship-help forums, he found something surprising. Most of the people who were unhappy with their rapidly expanding spouses were women. Here’s an example:

“I love my husband, but he’s become a tubby hubby and refuses to do anything about it. Now I’m not attracted to him, and I’m thinking of leaving.”

Ouch. Well, check out “Do You Even Lift?” and “It’s Important To Stay Skinny For My Husband” for some tips. Don’t hold yourself to an unreasonable standard — just put in the work to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

2 Fit Men Make More Money

Women are often criticized for wanting to marry a man who either has money or has the kind of drive that would help him make money in the future. It’s an unfair criticism.

Husbands are usually the primary source of income, especially after kids come along. And since arguments over money (or the lack thereof) are the number two indicator of an impending divorce, not marrying a lazy guy is a perfectly acceptable and smart criterion for husband pickin’.

We hardly ever write about money, but here’s one post that touches on the topic: “Science and the Bible Agree: More Money Won’t Make You Happier”. If you don’t have enough money to meet your family’s basic needs, then money will make you happier. Beyond that, it doesn’t seem like money is nearly as important as we think it is. I don’t think I’d put in effort to get fit just to (possibly) earn more money.

3 Fit People Know How To Stay Fit

Most people gain some weight after marriage, even fit people. That’s not a marriage ender, of course, but when one spouse loses the weight and the other doesn’t, it can lead to problems.

Anyone can learn how to get and stay fit. Being fit is simple, but it’s not easy. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Like point #5 says below, we should be motivating each other to be our best.

4 Sex Is More Frequent and More Satisfying

The good news is that several studies show that fit people have more sex than unfit people. And married people have MORE sex than single people, despite all that right-swiping that singles do.

Fit people usually feel better about themselves and are more likely to get naked. All their parts work better, too. When you exercise regularly, all the healthy hormones (testosterone, dopamine) are ramped up while the trickier hormones (cortisol) are tamped down if you program wisely.

In one study titled “Sexual Desirability and Sexual Performance: Does Exercise and Fitness Really Matter?” the authors concluded:

“Exercise frequency and physical fitness enhance attractiveness and increase energy levels, both of which make people feel better about themselves. Those who exercise are more likely to experience a greater level of satisfaction and a positive perception of self. Moreover, those who feel better about themselves may perceive they are more sexually desirable and may perform better sexually. The majority of individuals who are regularly physically active are healthier, and perhaps healthier individuals may be more willing and able to have sex.”

We’ve written a lot about sexual frequency and sexual quality, and there’s no doubt that exercise is great for sex. Sleep is at least as important as exercise for fitness and sexual satisfaction.

5 A Fit Spouse is the World’s Best Motivator

You’ve heard the saying, “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Well, your spouse is your number one peer in that group of five. And if they’re serious about staying healthy and strong, that kind of peer pressure, even unspoken, is a very good thing.

A fit spouse keeps you on your toes. You may hit the gym a little more often, choose foods a little more wisely, or just be influenced by your spouse’s healthy behaviors.

Good habits and bad habits are both contagious. Hebrews 10:24 says, “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” — and that doesn’t mean to nag or complain! Encourage and build up your spouse, and allow yourself to be encouraged by your spouse in return. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

6 Fit Spouses Live Longer

You’re in this for life, right? ‘Till death do you part? Wanting to grow old together on the porch and all that good stuff?

Well, all that’s kinda wrecked if your spouse gets heart disease in their 50’s or type 2 diabetes, well, any time. Choose a spouse that does their best to make it to that front porch swing with you.

Interestingly, it seems that a wife has a particularly strong influence on her husband’s life expectancy.

7 Fit People Are Usually Happier

Want a happy marriage? Marry a happy person. Sure beats being married to someone who’s perpetually bitter, angry, or sad.

Studies show that fit people are generally happier. Even if they struggle with depression or down times, they have the tools (exercise, good food, and good supplements) to alleviate or minimize it.

Our minds are bodies were created together. Sometimes we Christians have a tendency to view our bodies as evil or corrupted, and our minds as good or spiritual. This is wrong. God created both, and he will redeem both in the resurrection. We feel good when our minds are aligned with God’s will — through prayer, study, and fellowship — and we can find similar satisfaction when we align our bodies. Just like Bible study prepares the mind to serve, physical exercise prepares the body.

8 Shared Passion = Marriage Longevity

Australian researchers wanted to find out the key to long marriages. After studying thousands of happily married geriatrics, they concluded that it all comes down to shared experiences.

Going to the gym, being active outdoors, and preparing healthy meals that you eat together are all shared experiences. And since fresh sweat does have some mild aphrodisiacal properties, the couple who plays together often gets frisky together.

The shared experience of exercise is a huge benefit to me and Sexy Corte. We both love to run, and running together is one of our best times. If you’re struggling to exercise, find an activity that you can do with your spouse and you’ll get a double-benefit from the time invested!

If you want to improve your marriage and your sex life, you should consider improving your fitness together. What’s your experience? Leave us a comment below.

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If you’re not an attractive woman then you may have benefited from the pandemic in ways you haven’t realized:

A large body of research suggests that physical appearance has an impact on a person’s success. For example, attractive people tend to earn more money and report higher life satisfaction than less attractive people. Interestingly, scholars have yet to agree on the explanation behind this beauty premium.

One account suggests that the beauty advantage can be explained by discrimination. For example, employers may inherently favor attractive over unattractive workers. Another perspective suggests that beauty is a productivity-enhancing attribute. This view suggests that attractiveness lends itself to higher productivity, for example, through increased self-confidence.

When analyzing the data, Mehic first found evidence of the beauty premium in traditional in-person instruction. For non-quantitative courses (e.g., business, economics) that were taught fully online, student attractiveness was positively correlated with student grades. However, this effect was not found for quantitative courses (e.g., math, physics). This was in line with the researcher’s expectations since non-quantitative classes tend to include assignments and presentations that encourage student-teacher interaction, while quantitative classes are often graded entirely through final exams.

The results next revealed that the switch to online instruction eliminated the beauty premium — but only for female students. For non-quantitative courses, attractive female students saw a decline in their grades with remote instruction, while attractive male students continued to enjoy a beauty advantage.

Fortunately, most of our marriages are in-person! Whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s worthwhile to be the best version of yourself for your spouse — which includes doing your best to stay fit, healthy, and attractive. Don’t aim at an unattainable standard set by the beauty industry, but we should all do the work to make the most of the body God has given us.

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Happy Valentine’s Day to all our wonderful readers. We pray that you have a joyful and sexy Valentine’s Day with your spouse, and that God blesses your marriage and your sex life together.

Just in case any of you are feeling down today, remember that you’ve already come in first place against a billion competitors. That’s right: as a sperm, you got to the egg first. A healthy man can ejaculate up to 1.2 billion sperm at a time and only one wins the race — you! Way to go!

(video)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

1 Corinthians 9:24

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