We get emails from people every day who are having problems of various kinds in their marriage, and the simplest, most direct solution is often just have sex. Obviously this isn’t true in every single case, but you’d be surprised how often sex itself can smooth over differences and disagreements.
How does it make you feel when your partner is cold and distant? Or when they’re critical and prickly? Does it make you want to rip their clothes off, order in a vat of whipped cream and install a chandelier to swing from?
No? Well there’s your problem – according, at least, to Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor whose Ted talk explaining her unconventional advice to warring couples has been viewed almost 3.5 million times online.
Her advice couldn’t be simpler: shag. Do it even if you don’t want to, do it especially if you don’t want to and, most important of all, do it frequently whether you want to or not. To make it even clearer, she’s borrowed one of the most famous advertising slogans of recent times: Just Do It. “Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too,” she explains from her clinic in Colorado. “It’s a win-win situation for both of you!”
Over the years, Weiner-Davis has honed her message. She’s now stripped it back to what she believes is the essence of a successful marriage. Gone is any therapeutic consideration of a couple’s history; of their emotional travails; of cause and consequence. Now she is entirely one-track minded: no matter how appalling the state of a marriage, she believes that kind, generous and frequent sex can bring it back from the teetering edge of collapse.
Let’s expand on the idea a little! Here are a bunch of related posts.
Sometimes we can get so wrapped up “communicating” that we forget the importance of body language. Maybe you should quit talking about your problems for a while and go have sex!
Finding time to have sex can be hard when you’ve got jobs and kids, and if you wait for the end of the day you may be frequently frustrated by a lack of energy and enthusiasm. Sexy Corte and I have found that the morning is often the most efficient and reliable time of day for us to have sex, but it does require some planning.
We’ve written before about the benefits of having sex before date night instead of after, and the same benefits apply to morning sex. Quote:
- Oxytocin: Orgasms get your bonding hormones flowing, which will jump-start intimacy for your date.
- No pressure: There won’t be any pressure to make sex the capstone of your date when you get home late. We find that it’s especially hard for Sexy Corte to summon up the energy for an orgasm late at night, no matter how great a time we’re having. Time of day has a big impact on many wives, and it doesn’t always line up with date night.
- Lingering arousal: Date nights are a great opportunity to talk positively about your sex life together — what you like, what you want to try, how it feels when your spouse touches you just — like — that. If you have sex before your date, the lingering arousal can fuel your conversation. It’s hot to look at your spouse across the restaurant table and know that you just rocked their world!
- Mementos: You can carry a memento of your recent sex with you on your date. For example: a secret hickey or lingerie. It’s a huge turn-on for me just knowing that my semen is still inside Sexy Corte when we go out. We’ve also talked about the idea of me finishing on her body and SC wearing it under her clothes, but we haven’t done it yet.
Your whole day will be better if you kick it off with sex! So how can you prepare for morning sex?
- Be proactive. You probably won’t just tumble into reliable morning sex — you have to be intentional. Talk with your spouse about it, and decide how you’re going to communicate your interest (or lack thereof) in the morning when you’re both drowsy. Decide before you go to sleep if you’re likely to have sex the next morning or not.
- Set an alarm. We actually set three alarms! First alarm is for if Sexy Corte wants an orgasm that morning; otherwise we cuddle. Second alarm is for if we’re going to have a quickie. Third alarm means that it’s actually time to get out of bed. (We may be classically conditioning ourselves to have sex when the alarm rings.)
- Be prepared. Keep your tools ready: lube, vibrator (with batteries), rags, and whatever else you need. Having to find some missing essential can really break your momentum.
- Sleep naked. As Sexy Corte wrote: “Not only does your skin feel amazing right up against your spouse’s, but feeling nice and silky sheets as you sleep is an added bonus. If your spouse is always wanting sex in the morning, but you have a hard time rousing yourself for it, sleeping naked is an excellent way to get yourself in the mood.” Wives should try some thigh-high socks in the winter to stay warm and sexy — as an added bonus, women have an easier time reaching orgasm when their feet are warm.
Do you have any tips for morning sex? Leave a comment to share.
You’re on your honeymoon having a great time, and your spouse decides to go for a run on the beach for an hour or so.
You hear a knock at the door. When you crack it open, you see your spouse standing there, wearing different clothes and looking slightly off.
Your spouse says, “Hello! I know this is hard to believe, but the reason I look a little strange is that I’m 10 years older and I traveled back in time. I’ve got important time traveler business to take care of, but I wanted to drop in and see you. I knew that present-me would be out on a run right now. In the future our marriage is awesome and everything turns out great for us. I really shouldn’t tell you too many details — you understand.”
You aren’t sure how to respond, but you know your spouse is telling the truth.
Your spouse continues: “Well, we’ve got almost an hour. You look great. You can’t tell present-me about any of this when I come back from my run, but don’t worry… I’ll be thrilled about this encounter in 10 years when I come up with the idea… and I’ve learned a few techniques that present-me won’t figure out for a while. Want to have sex?”
It’s (past) time for another roundup of Christian sex links! Check out these blogs, we’re sure you’ll find something you like.
Your wife doesn’t always know when she’s aroused — Her indications of arousal aren’t as obvious (to either of you) as is a husband’s erection!
Several links about initiating sex:
Wives, don’t be afraid of your husband’s manhood!
How to have “vacation sex” when you’re not on vacation — Be prepared and bring your own lock when you’re actually on vacation!
Your husband needs a girlfriend — Hint: it’s you!
Ten minutes and lube — Quickies alone don’t make a great sex life.
Talk about sex outside the bedroom — Interesting advice for preserving the tranquility of your sex room.
Submission and headship, with handy four-quadrant diagrams — Definitely hard concepts to understand in our modern culture.
“When I orgasm, I shake all over” — Intense, uncontrollable sexual responsiveness from the wife is really hot.
Memorable first thrust technique — “Many women, once aroused and full of anticipation for intercourse, consider the first thrust to be their favorite part of intercourse.”
Don’t miss the good part of her cycle — It’s something we’ve started planning around!
Take advantage of every opportunity to talk with your kids about sex — “When our kids are curious and comfortable talking about sex, we think they are too young and by the time we think we should talk to them about sex, they are embarrassed.”
Three posts with wedding night tips for virgin brides: “What do I do?”, making the mental leap from “no” to “yes”, and “how to I avoid pain?” — Also great for new husbands to read.
Is your spouse really showing you all of his or her sexuality? — Fear/avoidance of rejection is common, even in marriage. How can you assure your spouse that he or she can really share any desire with you?
Erotic wisdom in Proverbs 5 — Hint: “fountains”, “wells”, and “cisterns” are symbolism.
If you have any links you want to share, leave them in the comments!
Wives, what’s the worst thing about going out in public? The answer is obvious: when you’re in public, you’re not having sex with your husband. (Unless you are.) So, in an effort to make boring public events a little more bearable, here are a few ideas for how to turn your husband on while you’re around other people.
- Take off your panties. Excuse yourself for a moment, slip them off, and subtly stuff your panties into his hand when you come back. “I won’t be needing these anymore.” I guarantee he won’t be thinking of anything else for the rest of the night. This works especially well when you’re ready to leave and your husband isn’t taking the hint. Bonus points: secret message panties.
- Flash some skin. Once those panties are off, give him a sneak peek. Or find a private corner and flash your boobs. Bonus points for letting him touch.
- Talk dirty. Pull him aside as if you need to talk about the kids, and then whisper something sexy to him. “I need you inside me”, “I’m so wet right now”, “I can’t wait to suck you off”.
- Text dirty. Even easier than talking! You can even send a sexy pic that you took earlier.
- Remote vibrator. Give him the remote control for the vibrator you’re wearing.
- Sit on his lap. This is pretty innocuous, but a little strategic wiggling can have a huge effect. Bonus points if your panties are already in his pocket.
- Under the table. Rub high on his leg under the table, or pull his hand up your inner thigh. Drop something under the table and ask him to get it, then flash your panties (or lack thereof).
- Put up your hair. This requires that you condition your husband to expect oral sex when he sees this. Wink.
- Secret sex reminders. Wear or carry something that isn’t obviously a sex toy, but that your husband will recognize. For example, a bracelet made from your shibari rope. You can also mention mundane aspects of recent sexy time activities. I always know what she means when Sexy Corte mentions trivia night or poetry reading.
- Meet me in two minutes. Scout out a place for a quickie. After you’ve got him turned on using one of the above methods, tell him to meet you there in two minutes.
Maybe it goes without saying, but don’t forget to deliver on your promises when you get home!
We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments.
Hey there, it’s been a while! Time for some awesome sex links. We’ve got some catching up to do!
The ONE Tip That Will Make Sex Feel Great!
When you’re making love, simply ask yourself these two questions:
What feels good right now?
Where do I want to be touched right now?
What Does He Really Want Sexually? — Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. It’s hard to share what you really want.
Slow Side by Side Sex — A relaxing position.
Why are men obsessed with breasts? — Because they’re awesome? Also some survey results about rough sex.
Don’t have sex in the dark — Watching your spouse orgasm is amazing. Maintain eye contact.
“My Husband Can’t Make Me Submit to Him or Respect Him!” — Husbandly love and wifely submission are not optional, they are commanded by God.
10 Foam Roller Exercercises To Relieve Muscle Soreness And Better Sex — Shoot, we just threw our foam roller away!
Sleeping Naked: 5 Amazing Reasons It’s Good For Your Health — We used to do better with this… but kids.
When Bad Language is a Turn On During Sex. Is This Okay? — Yes.
Can Sex Be Used as Comfort? Yes, But… — Good post. Do you and your spouse use sex to comfort each other? I don’t think Sexy Corte and I do, but maybe we could try?
What a quickie taught us about sexual intimacy. — “He told me what he wanted: a good orgasm that happened as soon as possible.”
Sometimes, Your Husband Needs a Girlfriend — Remember how we acted when we were dating?
That’s it for now! If you’ve got a link you want to share please post it in the comments.
Everyone loves to be spontaneous when it comes to sex, and many couples feel that a lot of planning or scheduling can ruin the mood. However, a little advance preparation can grease the wheels (insert lubrication joke here) for future spontaneity. One of the biggest deterrents to spontaneous away-from-the-bedroom sex can be worrying about the aftermath: sex is messy! So here’s a simple tip: take an old wash cloth with you wherever you go. It’s easy to stash a washcloth in the glove box of your car, in your backpack, in your purse, or in your briefcase. You’ll be ready for spontaneous sex whenever you’ve got 10 minutes to kill alone with your spouse and you won’t have to worry about cleaning up.
Even for the bedroom Sexy Corte and I keep a drawer full of old wash cloths right next to the bed. We call them our “sex rags” — not a very sexy name, but very handy for after sex that isn’t near shower time.
This installment of Links of the Week is sure to rock your world!
Needs: Part 1 — Yes, quickies are awesome when you gotta go. Like candy. Shouldn’t be all you eat, but a few times a day doesn’t hurt….
Finding Friends to Support Your Marital Intimacy — Make friends that build up you and your marriage. Negative friends who constantly complain about their spouses won’t do your marriage any good. Brag about your spouse!
Three gifts from Journey to Surrender: The Gift of “As You Wish” In the Bedroom, The Gift of Sex, and The Gift of Yourself
Sex During Pregnancy Infographic
Chair sex can be pretty fun for a quickie, and you’ve got several positions available. Many people put chairs in their bedroom anyway (to sit or to help get dressed), so you may as well “explore the space” and use your chairs for sex! Of course, chair sex doesn’t have to be limited to the bedroom.
First off, make sure that you’ve got an appropriate chair: for intercourse you’re going to really prefer a chair with no arms. Chair arms really interfere with girl legs and limit your options. Your chair should also be sturdy enough for two and sans wheels. You don’t want anyone falling off, do you? Finally, get a chair that’s the right height for the wife’s feet to reach the ground while she’s sitting on her husband’s lap. Saw the legs down if you have to! If the wife is at the right height, she can really go to town.
The two most obvious positions are with the husband sitting in the chair and the wife sitting on top.
- Face-to-face in a chair is a great position. If the chair’s the right height the wife can straddle her husband and move around in every direction (up, down, forwards, backwards, side-to-side, hip rolling, etc.). This is similar to a wife-on-top position in bed, except she has a greater range of motion since she’s on her feet rather than her knees. Since she’s higher up her thighs won’t tire as quickly, so you’re in for a great ride! The husband should slouch down in the chair to best take advantage of his length. He should play with her clit and breasts and make sure her efforts are appreciated!
- Front-to-back in a chair also works well. Every guy loves Reverse Cowgirl, but if you’re on a bed the position is really hard for the girl — it’s basically super-deep squats. However, when the husband is in a chair the wife will be higher off the ground and will have much better leverage with her legs, so she won’t tire as fast. Front-to-back can really benefit from an adjustable-height chair and doesn’t suffer much from chair-arms, so an office chair can work well as long as you can keep it from rolling (move it to the carpet). Depending on the angle of the husband’s penis the wife might need to lean back towards him to avoid bending him, or the husband can “reverse slouch” to angle himself more downward. Ideally the wife should bear all her weight on her own legs to give herself the greatest range of motion. As with all front-to-back positions the view for the guy is great, and it’s fun to grab her hips and spank her ass while she rides. Unfortunately, front-to-back positions aren’t usually as climactic for the woman.
In addition to front-to-back and face-to-face, chairs also enable some other fun.
- Blow jobs, of course. A lower-than-normal chair can be beneficial to position his penis at the right height, and chair arms probably don’t matter. Make him feel like a king on his throne!
- Side-saddle is much easier in a chair than on a bed. It’s basically just what it sounds like: the wife turns herself sideways (90 degrees) from her husband and sits on him. This is a great position for making out and snuggling.
- Bent-over also works with a chair, but this position isn’t very chair-specific. You can bend your wife over pretty much anything.
- Tied-up: it’s easy to introduce some bondage play when you’re using a chair, and it should be obvious how to tie up a man while he’s sitting. It can be more challenging to tie a woman to a chair and keep her important bits accessible! One possibility is to lay the chair on its back on the floor and have your wife kneel on it. Put her knees in the corner where the back and seat of the chair meet, and lay her torso down across the legs of the chair. Now you can tie her feet to the top of the back of the chair (get a ladder-back chair) and her wrists to the rear feet of the chair (near the floor). This will hold her in a doggy-style position, but make sure her knees are padded or it will get uncomfortable.
Do you have any other great chair sex positions or ideas? Share them in the comments!
I had a grandfather that used to order quiche every time we went to a restaurant. He would always proudly say to the waitress, “I’ll have the quickie“. I never knew if he mis-pronounced it on purpose or not. As I got older and I understood what “quickie” meant, I went to restaurants feeling a mixture of amusement, embarrassment, and also a little nausea.
Now that I am a wife and a mom, I have come to appreciate the value of the “quickie”. Daily life can feel so hectic. Nap times get interrupted, the to-do list piles up. It’s not often that you find yourself in the middle of a quiet moment during the afternoon. We have realized that when moments like that come your way, embrace the spontaneity and have sex.
El Fury and I were lucky to have 2 such moments in the past week, which is like the blue moon of quickies. Last Sunday afternoon the kids were napping or quietly occupied. We actually had enough time to have sex and snuggle. In our bed! It was so luxurious. Mid-week one kid was at school, the others were napping, I had caught up on work and El Fury happened to be in between work calls. I saw the opportunity, turned on the charm, and in a few minutes we were having sex in the chair in El Fury’s office.
It doesn’t matter where the quickie occurs. Find the nearest surface and do it!