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Sex Q&A: Prostitute Role-Playing, Women's Bible Study, Sexy Evangelism, and Semen Consistency 1

We’ve got quite a mailbag for your today!

Wife “MA” writes:

My husband likes to call me names and imagine that I am a prostitute during sex. I have a difficult time playing along and not taking it personally. Is this ok in God’s eyes? Should I just toughen up and let him have his fantasy?

The Bible doesn’t get into specifics about what exactly is ok in the bedroom. El Fury and I believe that as long as it is between the husband and the wife, and acceptable to both, it’s not a sin. If your conscience is telling you that you are sinning, you should listen to it and pray about the matter. If something continues to make you uncomfortable, you should definitely talk to your husband about it. We find it helpful to focus conversations like this in a positive direction. Rather than saying “I don’t like it when you…”, you can approach it more like, “this makes me uncomfortable, but I really want to explore together, how we can try something similar that’s exciting for both of us?” Check out our role-playing section for some ideas that might be more to your liking.

Husband “ES” writes:

I’d love an outside female opinion. My wife’s and my sex life hasn’t panned out how I thought it would be. After more than a decade of marriage and four kids, I have rarely felt like our relationship was a priority to her. Work, friends, family, and kids all seem to take precedence over me. Sometimes we have sex once a week, but often we go weeks or months with her rejecting or ignoring my desire for sex. We have had direct talks. We have gone to martial counseling, she stops attending when sex comes up.

I have read yours and many other blog and books. I try not to have a contract or demand payment of sex. I do try to woo her. I plan all the dates, arrange the sitter, plan vacations. I recently thought we were on the cusp of making some improvements.

But then six months ago she started going to a women’s “Bible study”. The group leaders believe that I only want sex is because I’m “addicted” and have issues I need to resolve. (I’m not perfect but I don’t watch porn or masturbate) The group told my wife we should stop having sex for 40 days until I’m “better”, and my wife agreed!

My heart broke. I am furious. This group has become yet another higher priority over me. Really, I don’t know what my next step is for sex, or even how our marriage will look with this “women’s Bible study” calling the shots. Please help!

Pray, pray, pray! We’ve seen God work miracles in marriages. It can be hard for men and women to understand each other, especially in the realm of sex because typically men have higher libidos than women do. It could be helpful for her to understand that nearly all men will want more sex, and there is nothing perverse about it — it’s how God designed us. With that in mind, there is not going to be a point where you stop pursuing your wife for sex. It’s a healthy, on-going desire. She should understand that you will always want her sexually, and she’s the way God intends to meet your need. God’s will is for your sex life with your spouse to be abundant!

Here are a couple of posts you might want to read with your wife:

El Fury adds: I suggest taking every possible Godly step to extricate your wife from that group of women. They’re harming your marriage and could end up destroying your family.

Wife “BE” writes:

Thank you for sharing this wealth of information. I’m sure so many Christian women like myself find themselves sinking in loneliness with nowhere to go for non-judgemental discussion. This site is a good refreshment.

I’ve been having a strange and shameful sexual fantasy recently, and I need some input on whether it’s ok and worth exploring. In my fantasy, I’m wearing a short skirt with no panties, and a silky blouse with no bra. Then I go out and do some outdoor street-preaching. Why do I want to do this ? I’m not even sure … could it be that I want to be looked at as a whore while I speak about holiness and repentance? Maybe even if no one knows, maybe it’s the idea of being a Godly woman whose private and sacred bits are uncovered.

This fantasy has been a huge turn on for me, I can’t help indulging in it while touching myself. Even though I’d love to take it a step forward, I’m terribly apprehensive … first of being found out by someone within the crowd listening, and second by maybe going too far and grieving the Holy Spirit. I really need help.

Fantasies and thoughts can be strange and interesting — we don’t really know where they come from! God tells us to share our testimony with others… if you were carrying out this fantasy in real-life would you really be focused on bringing others to Christ? Would it simply make evangelism somehow more exciting or thrilling? Would you be using people as unknowing props? The fantasy does sound like a really fun role-playing scenario, but I encourage you to pray about it and have an open heart to God’s response. I can’t be your Holy Spirit, but if living out the fantasy will lead you or someone else into sin then it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t do it.

Finally, husband “DI” writes:

I have a question for you but first I want to say that my wife and I have really enjoyed and grown a lot in our marriage because of this site and the advice you guys offer! So thank you so much!

My question is this… having talked with my wife many times about finishing in her mouth and getting her thoughts on it, what it comes down to for her is that she doesn’t like the consistency of my semen. She has this problem with other foods as well, like yogurt. Is there anything that can be done to change the consistency of semen? I drink lots of water so that isn’t a problem. I know you can change the taste of semen (like with pineapple), but how about the consistency?

From what we read, it does seem like drinking lots of water is important, so good job. Beyond that, there doesn’t seem to be much solid information about changing the consistency or texture of semen. That said, here are a few ideas that might help your wife.

  • Your wife can try taking your penis deeper into her mouth so that most of the semen just goes down her throat. Then she won’t have to worry about texture much at all.
  • Your wife can hold something else in her mouth while she performs oral, like a mint or gum. This will “dilute” the texture of your semen and may also create an
    enjoyable sensation for you.
  • You can ejaculate more frequently. Semen can get very thick or viscous if you haven’t ejaculated in a while.

If you and your wife try these, please report back and let us know how they go. Meanwhile, here are a few related posts:

Have a great week everyone. We’re praying that God would give you a joyful and abundant sex life with your spouse.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Oral Sex: "My Wife Had an Epiphany" 2

There’s nothing more wholesome and heartwarming than hearing from a reader that you’ve helped make a significant improvement in his or her sex life.

I expect most of Stavvy’s World is NSFW, but I figured this was worth sharing. Here is YouTube’s attempt at an auto-generated transcript, lightly edited by me for clarity:

Remember the guest, the man who was in a relationship where he never got his dick sucked by his wife? And you made some comments like, you know, 20-30 seconds is good enough.

I was listening to that episode in the car with my wife and she heard that, and she had an epiphany, like she didn’t realize you could suck a man’s dick for just 20 seconds and it’d be okay, like he doesn’t have to finish.

I’ve been married for 15 years, I’m an old man, this is awesome her hearing that, and she asked me like, does does it actually count if it’s only like 20-30 seconds?

I’m like yeah it counts!

I had the same type of wife who never wanted to suck my dick, and I’ve been married so long I just made peace with it so long ago. But both of us hearing that episode it’s like, man, it’s like every time brother, like hell yes dude, not a time goes by when we have sex that she doesn’t suck my dick now, for even like half a minute, it’s great.

It’s awesome!

The reaction from the hosts is priceless, and we get it — we love hearing from readers who have been blessed by our content, too!

In Level-Up Your Sex Life we wrote about the what husbands and wives write to us about the most:

  • Husbands want more blowjobs
  • Wives want more orgasms

Blowjobs to completion are awesome, but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! As Flight of the Conchords taught us, “two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven”.

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A Wife's Guide to Navigating the Penis: Head, Shaft, Frenulum, and Balls 3

Wife “ER” writes:

I noticed that you guys had an episode for husbands on how to navigate the clitoris. Do you have one for penis’s that maybe I’m missing? If you don’t have one, I’d like to see you guys create one for the wives!

Your wish is our command!

Humans have been representing the penis in art for thousands of years. From the Obelisks of Egypt to the Rockets of Jeff Bezos to “unique roman artifacts”, our fascination with the phallus is enduring. For those of us without a rod, or staff, or Johnson, the penis can be a tricky place to navigate.

The balls are a great place to begin with foreplay. Licking the balls all around is like soothing an ache. El Fury describes this as luxurious. Use the tongue for foreplay and your hand for an accessory to aid in orgasm. Cup the balls while he uses his hand, or if you are performing oral.

At the opposite end is the head of the penis. The head is the most sensitive area, so it is important to be gentle and avoid direct hand contact. Treat the head as the playground of the tongue. Swirl, flick, lick — the tongue can do anything to drive the head of the penis crazy. There is a spot on the under-side of the head (ball side) called the frenulum. With enough time and attention a man can orgasm just from extended focus in this area. The head is also a great place to tease when the wife is on top. Allow just the head inside the vagina and see how long it takes before the husband loses control. It’s fun to bounce up and down with the slightest movement, plus it feels great.

Connecting the balls and penis is the shaft. This area seems to be the least sensitive, but craves attention in order to orgasm. During sex or oral, taking the shaft in deep will push him over the edge. In a technique that El Fury calls “Around the World” the wife can start on the head, then take her tongue down the shaft, around the balls and back up the other side. The shaft is where to hold during a hand job.

Similar to the clitoris, the penis can vary from man to man. It’s important to explore together. It means a lot to a husband if the wife loves and appreciates his penis.

Wives, if you have any great tips for navigating a penis please share them in the comments!

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Divorce Lawyer James Sexton on the Number One Predictor of a Break-Up 4

Sexy Corte and I just listened to divorce lawyer James Sexton on the Lex Fridman podcast, and he offered a bunch of interesting relationship advice from his perspective as a person who has had a front-row seat to thousands of divorces. (We shouldn’t need to say it, but we will: we don’t endorse all his advice!)

Sexton says that the number one predictor of a break-up is disconnection — when spouses stop trying to impress each other and stop doing the little things that demonstrate their love for each other. He illustrated this idea with a story called “granola and blow jobs” that you can read on his blog.

I was speaking with a female client once, during a long wait in Family Court before a divorce was finalized. I asked her when she knew her marriage was officially over and she told me, in an uncharacteristically nostalgic and melancholy tone, that it was NOT when she caught him texting with his mistress, and NOT when she found the bank records that showed he was gambling his entire bonus rather than bringing it home. It was months before all that when she noticed, for the first time, that he stopped buying her granola.

“There was this particular brand of granola that I like and when we were first dating and married he would always notice when I was running low on it and get me a new bag of it when he would go to Whole Foods for lunch (he worked in the Time Warner Center above the Whole Foods). I never mentioned it to him – I don’t know that I really noticed all that much that he did it – but it was a nice feeling – that he noticed I was low on my favorite granola, and that he knew it was my favorite, and that he was thinking of me while he was in Whole Foods and brought it home for me and didn’t even think to point it out and try to “get credit” for all of that. It was just something he did because he was thinking of me and knew this silly small unique thing gave me pleasure. One day I noticed I was out of that granola and he hadn’t bought it for me. I was a little surprised but I didn’t think much of it. The next time I ran out I left the bag on the counter as a subtle hint – but he never bought it for me again. I think there was a part of me that knew, at that moment, I was no longer on his radar and things were heading south.”

I asked her if there was anything like that on her end of the relationship and she replied flatly:

“Blow jobs.”

I almost spit out my coffee.

“I know it sounds silly and it might be inappropriate to say – but I used to give him blow jobs a few times per week. It took all of five minutes in the morning and for the rest of the day he was all giddy and happy. I got a kick out of how much he enjoyed it. But after some time married I started sleeping in a bit more and I just didn’t think to take that five minutes to do it. Plus I had this feeling of, I don’t know, resentment – like I don’t OWE him a blow job and I’ve got 50 things to do today – he can wait until I get home tonight and we can have sex so both of us enjoy it. But I guess that was his granola in some ways. I don’t know.”

So there it is. Granola and blow jobs.

What are the little things you do for your spouse that demonstrate your love? Don’t forget to consider your love languages (and podcast episode)! If you want your spouse to feel loved you should try to speak in their love language, not only your own. If you want to feel more loved, learn to recognize when your spouse is trying to show you love in their native love language, even if it’s not your own.

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"She's dirty and amenable" -- Sexual Fantasies About Your Spouse 5

Having sexual fantasies about your spouse is great, and sharing your fantasies with each other is a good way to deepen your sexual relationship.

Earlier this week Sexy Corte was on her period and going out with the kids for a playdate with some of their friends. She joked, “I know what you’ll be doing while I’m gone”. An evening with the house to myself?!

Me: “Playing video games.”

Her: “And jerking off.”

She was right, of course, and when she came home she asked about my fantasies.

Me: “Fantasy Sexy Corte is always home with me, and always eager to please!”

Her: “Oh yeah? And what exactly does Fantasy Sexy Corte do, hmmmm?”

Me: “She’s dirty and amenable.”

Now, Sexy Corte is very open minded and agreeable, so this isn’t a knock on her at all. But Fantasy Sexy Corte will give me an hour-long blowjob while I play video games. Sharing these fantasies with Sexy Corte is a fun way to expand our sexual conversation, and every real sex act we do starts in one of our minds as a fantasy.

Your spouse should be the focus of your sexual energy, in “real life” and in your fantasies. Be as open as you can when sharing your fantasies with your spouse, and when your spouse shares with you be sure to listen without judgement or offense.

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your spouse? If so, how do those conversations go?

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In this episode El Fury and Sexy Corte discuss what they’ve learned about sex during their first decade of marriage.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Related links:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 28:43 — 22.5MB)

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What Do Wives Think About Giving Blowjobs? 6

In Level-Up Your Sex Life we wrote that based on the emails we receive, the top request from wives is to have more orgasms, and the top request from husbands is to get more blowjobs. We’ll write later about the joy husbands get from pleasuring their wives, but what do wives think about giving blowjobs?

Julie Sibert writes about Oral Sex and the Christian Wives Who Love Giving It.

Years ago, I was having lunch with a woman who would eventually become one of my closest friends.

At the time of our lunch all those years ago, we were new colleagues, and we soon discovered we had a plethora of things in common — our love of sex being one of them.

To say she and I had great ease in talking about sex in our marriages would be an understatement. To this day, she is a confidante who I know will always be up for a transparent and authentic conversation about sexual struggles and sexual joys.

At our first lunch together, we eventually came upon the topic of oral sex, to which I said, “Who doesn’t love oral sex?!” She looked at me quizzically and asked, “Giving or receiving?”

“BOTH,” I answered enthusiastically. She agreed.

From Men’s Health we get 17 Women on Why They Actually Love Giving Blowjobs. And check the linked Reddit thread also.

Of course, every person enjoys different things in the bedroom, and it’s impossible to make a blanket statement about whether or not women like giving blowjobs. But we can tell you this much: some women definitely enjoy performing oral sex on their partners. Just peruse the hundreds of responses to this Reddit thread, which asked: “Women who like giving blowjobs, why?”

The women who responded had a variety of reasons for their love of giving head. On a psychological level, some said they enjoyed the power of having their partner at their mercy, and being able to control their pleasure with the slightest tongue flick. On a physical level, others said they liked the taste and the feeling of a smooth penis in their mouth. And then there’s the emotional side to blowjobs: a number of respondents said they use oral sex to show their partner how much they love and appreciate them.

And finally, our commenter Maria shares her experience with her husband and gives some tips. (And read the post Maria is commenting on to to learn about What Do Wives Think of Swallowing Semen?)

When he starting ejaculating, I looked downward as a friend advised me to do this in case his load was objectionable he wouldn’t see me grimace. He enjoyed the sex, but was truly thrilled by the sucking. I thought this would be because he had no responsibility or pressure to perform during a blowjob, but his love of blowjobs has not subsided one iota in our 8 months of marriage. The first time he filled my mouth, I was truly mortified by the flavor. I swallowed like a champ, keeping my head down so he wouldn’t see the disgust on my face. Over the next month, I learned that if I keep his penis far back into my mouth, he will shoot his semen past my tastebuds and down my throat without me tasting it. I time my swallows to his spurts. I know some women who try to please their husbands by pretending that they absolutely love the taste of their semen. I think that my husband appreciates my frequent sucking and swallowing more because he knows I do not enjoy the taste of his sperm.

So wives, what do you think about giving your husband a blowjob? Do you love it, hate it, or just feel neutral? Leave a comment and let us know.

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What is orgasmic meditation and how do you do it? How can OM benefit your marriage and sex life?

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/present-moment-orgasmic-meditation/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/

“The Male Clitoris”: Frenulum Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/the-male-clitoris-frenulum-technique/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:28 — 29.9MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS | About the Podcast

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Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation 7

“The Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time–for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.” — C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

It’s hard to be in the present. We spend most of our time worrying about the future or re-living the past, but the present is hard to grasp. We’ve written before about the importance of making time and energy for sex, but do you ever get distracted when you’re actually doing it? Are you able to be wholly present in the experience with your spouse?

If you’d like to be more present and mindful during sex then you might want to try orgasmic meditation (or “OM”). This post will focus on wives and their orgasms, like most research into OM, but there’s no reason that similar techniques can’t be applied to husbands also.

To get started, you may want to check out this 15-minute TEDx presentation by Nicole Daedone. Her tagline for a woman who feels empty or disconnected from her husband is: “try orgasm”. Take a few minutes to watch it with your spouse.

(It’s worth noting that OneTaste, Daedone’s company, doesn’t have a great reputation. For this post we’re going to discuss the practice of OM, and hope that none of our readers are foolish enough to join a sex cult or pay anyone for sexual services.)

So what is orgasmic meditation? The practice is physically very simple.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

The stroking is meant to happen in an incredibly specific way — on the upper-left quadrant of the clitoris in an up-and-down motion, no firmer than you would stroke an eyelid.

[Anjuli Ayer, CEO of Institute of OM] also considers OM a goal-less practice. “The intention is not to serve as foreplay or to get the participants to orgasm.” That’s right, while the practice has orgasm in the name, orgasming isn’t the goal. Rather, it’s to bring your attention to the present moment and experience pleasure.

The Institute of OM charges almost $200 for a single class, but Christian wives have a more affordable alternative: their husband. Here are the basic steps:

  1. Prepare your space. OM requires 15 minutes with no interruptions, so lock your door and tell the kids not to bother you. Your bed is a great place for OM, but you could use a couch or other comfortable place. You should also get some lube and a minute timer.
  2. Prepare yourselves. The wife should take off her clothes, lie down, and spread her legs with her knees up and her feet down. The husband is recommended to position himself in a very specific way: he should sit on his wife’s right side, with his left leg over her tummy and his right leg under her knees. This position should prop the wife’s knees up and give the husband easy access to her clitoris. Finally, both spouses should commit themselves to the experience and to each other for the duration of the meditation, and focus on the experience at hand (ahem). Pray for intimacy and pleasure.
  3. Begin stroking. Set the timer for 13 minutes and start it. The husband should put lube on his fingers, specifically on his right thumb and left index finger. Next, the husband should insert his right thumb slightly into the wife’s vagina. Then the husband should use his left index finger to begin gently stroking the upper-left of the wife’s clitoris, pulling back the clitoral hood if necessary. The stroke should be light and slow, and approximately half-an-inch in length. (Related: zoom technique and how to rub a clitoris.)
  4. Guide your husband. The wife should tell her husband if she wants him to change his stroking pattern: faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. Despite the name, orgasmic meditation doesn’t have the goal of orgasm. Like Ayer said in the quote above, the purpose of OM is to help you focus on the present and on intimacy with your spouse. If the wife wants to have an orgasm during OM then go for it, but wives, don’t decline OM just because you don’t want an orgasm. Does that make sense?
  5. Grounding. When the timer goes off (after 13 minutes) you should take some time to ground yourselves before separating or continuing on to sex. The husband should change his stroking pattern to a downward motion for a minute or so, and then use both hands embrace his wife’s vulva. This “hug” should continue until the wife releases and deep breath and is ready to be done. Pray and thank God for the intimacy and pleasure you just experienced together.

It’s important to note that OM isn’t intended to be foreplay. You can certainly have sex afterwards if you want to, but the purpose of OM is to promote awareness and intimacy.

In order to reverse this experience and focus on the husband, use the same basic instructions as above but substitute his frenulum for the wife’s clitoris. The wife can use a lubed finger or her tongue to stimulate her husband’s frenulum, or even take the head of his penis into her mouth. The key is the soft repetitive motion, so the approach is going to be very different than a hand job or a blowjob.

If you’re up for an intimacy challenge, consider performing OM together every day for a week, or even a month. At 15 minutes per session, you and your spouse can both OM in the same amount of time it takes to watch a TV show!

Have you ever tried OM before, or anything like it? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

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"Show me how deep can you take me" 8

Here’s an easy foreplay idea that can pay off all day long.

  1. Get a non-toxic marker.
  2. Husband, get an erection.
  3. Wife, take your husband as deep into your mouth as you can.
  4. Husband, use the marker to draw a line on your penis to mark the depth.

The husband will remember the experience for as long as the mark lasts on his penis. The mark from a non-toxic watercolor marker will probably wash off in the shower, but that’s ok, it’s easy enough to measure and mark again.

If you want to make a game of it, the wife can challenge herself to keep beating her record over the course of the day, leaving a series of memorable stripes for her husband to enjoy. At the end of the day, consider using henna to make a long-lasting mark to commemorate the wife’s accomplishment. And, of course, make sure the wife is suitably rewarded for her effort and determination!

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