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Divorce Lawyer James Sexton on the Number One Predictor of a Break-Up 1

Sexy Corte and I just listened to divorce lawyer James Sexton on the Lex Fridman podcast, and he offered a bunch of interesting relationship advice from his perspective as a person who has had a front-row seat to thousands of divorces. (We shouldn’t need to say it, but we will: we don’t endorse all his advice!)

Sexton says that the number one predictor of a break-up is disconnection — when spouses stop trying to impress each other and stop doing the little things that demonstrate their love for each other. He illustrated this idea with a story called “granola and blow jobs” that you can read on his blog.

I was speaking with a female client once, during a long wait in Family Court before a divorce was finalized. I asked her when she knew her marriage was officially over and she told me, in an uncharacteristically nostalgic and melancholy tone, that it was NOT when she caught him texting with his mistress, and NOT when she found the bank records that showed he was gambling his entire bonus rather than bringing it home. It was months before all that when she noticed, for the first time, that he stopped buying her granola.

“There was this particular brand of granola that I like and when we were first dating and married he would always notice when I was running low on it and get me a new bag of it when he would go to Whole Foods for lunch (he worked in the Time Warner Center above the Whole Foods). I never mentioned it to him – I don’t know that I really noticed all that much that he did it – but it was a nice feeling – that he noticed I was low on my favorite granola, and that he knew it was my favorite, and that he was thinking of me while he was in Whole Foods and brought it home for me and didn’t even think to point it out and try to “get credit” for all of that. It was just something he did because he was thinking of me and knew this silly small unique thing gave me pleasure. One day I noticed I was out of that granola and he hadn’t bought it for me. I was a little surprised but I didn’t think much of it. The next time I ran out I left the bag on the counter as a subtle hint – but he never bought it for me again. I think there was a part of me that knew, at that moment, I was no longer on his radar and things were heading south.”

I asked her if there was anything like that on her end of the relationship and she replied flatly:

“Blow jobs.”

I almost spit out my coffee.

“I know it sounds silly and it might be inappropriate to say – but I used to give him blow jobs a few times per week. It took all of five minutes in the morning and for the rest of the day he was all giddy and happy. I got a kick out of how much he enjoyed it. But after some time married I started sleeping in a bit more and I just didn’t think to take that five minutes to do it. Plus I had this feeling of, I don’t know, resentment – like I don’t OWE him a blow job and I’ve got 50 things to do today – he can wait until I get home tonight and we can have sex so both of us enjoy it. But I guess that was his granola in some ways. I don’t know.”

So there it is. Granola and blow jobs.

What are the little things you do for your spouse that demonstrate your love? Don’t forget to consider your love languages (and podcast episode)! If you want your spouse to feel loved you should try to speak in their love language, not only your own. If you want to feel more loved, learn to recognize when your spouse is trying to show you love in their native love language, even if it’s not your own.

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"She's dirty and amenable" -- Sexual Fantasies About Your Spouse 2

Having sexual fantasies about your spouse is great, and sharing your fantasies with each other is a good way to deepen your sexual relationship.

Earlier this week Sexy Corte was on her period and going out with the kids for a playdate with some of their friends. She joked, “I know what you’ll be doing while I’m gone”. An evening with the house to myself?!

Me: “Playing video games.”

Her: “And jerking off.”

She was right, of course, and when she came home she asked about my fantasies.

Me: “Fantasy Sexy Corte is always home with me, and always eager to please!”

Her: “Oh yeah? And what exactly does Fantasy Sexy Corte do, hmmmm?”

Me: “She’s dirty and amenable.”

Now, Sexy Corte is very open minded and agreeable, so this isn’t a knock on her at all. But Fantasy Sexy Corte will give me an hour-long blowjob while I play video games. Sharing these fantasies with Sexy Corte is a fun way to expand our sexual conversation, and every real sex act we do starts in one of our minds as a fantasy.

Your spouse should be the focus of your sexual energy, in “real life” and in your fantasies. Be as open as you can when sharing your fantasies with your spouse, and when your spouse shares with you be sure to listen without judgement or offense.

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your spouse? If so, how do those conversations go?

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In this episode El Fury and Sexy Corte discuss what they’ve learned about sex during their first decade of marriage.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Related links:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 28:43 — 22.5MB)

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What Do Wives Think About Giving Blowjobs? 3

In Level-Up Your Sex Life we wrote that based on the emails we receive, the top request from wives is to have more orgasms, and the top request from husbands is to get more blowjobs. We’ll write later about the joy husbands get from pleasuring their wives, but what do wives think about giving blowjobs?

Julie Sibert writes about Oral Sex and the Christian Wives Who Love Giving It.

Years ago, I was having lunch with a woman who would eventually become one of my closest friends.

At the time of our lunch all those years ago, we were new colleagues, and we soon discovered we had a plethora of things in common — our love of sex being one of them.

To say she and I had great ease in talking about sex in our marriages would be an understatement. To this day, she is a confidante who I know will always be up for a transparent and authentic conversation about sexual struggles and sexual joys.

At our first lunch together, we eventually came upon the topic of oral sex, to which I said, “Who doesn’t love oral sex?!” She looked at me quizzically and asked, “Giving or receiving?”

“BOTH,” I answered enthusiastically. She agreed.

From Men’s Health we get 17 Women on Why They Actually Love Giving Blowjobs. And check the linked Reddit thread also.

Of course, every person enjoys different things in the bedroom, and it’s impossible to make a blanket statement about whether or not women like giving blowjobs. But we can tell you this much: some women definitely enjoy performing oral sex on their partners. Just peruse the hundreds of responses to this Reddit thread, which asked: “Women who like giving blowjobs, why?”

The women who responded had a variety of reasons for their love of giving head. On a psychological level, some said they enjoyed the power of having their partner at their mercy, and being able to control their pleasure with the slightest tongue flick. On a physical level, others said they liked the taste and the feeling of a smooth penis in their mouth. And then there’s the emotional side to blowjobs: a number of respondents said they use oral sex to show their partner how much they love and appreciate them.

And finally, our commenter Maria shares her experience with her husband and gives some tips. (And read the post Maria is commenting on to to learn about What Do Wives Think of Swallowing Semen?)

When he starting ejaculating, I looked downward as a friend advised me to do this in case his load was objectionable he wouldn’t see me grimace. He enjoyed the sex, but was truly thrilled by the sucking. I thought this would be because he had no responsibility or pressure to perform during a blowjob, but his love of blowjobs has not subsided one iota in our 8 months of marriage. The first time he filled my mouth, I was truly mortified by the flavor. I swallowed like a champ, keeping my head down so he wouldn’t see the disgust on my face. Over the next month, I learned that if I keep his penis far back into my mouth, he will shoot his semen past my tastebuds and down my throat without me tasting it. I time my swallows to his spurts. I know some women who try to please their husbands by pretending that they absolutely love the taste of their semen. I think that my husband appreciates my frequent sucking and swallowing more because he knows I do not enjoy the taste of his sperm.

So wives, what do you think about giving your husband a blowjob? Do you love it, hate it, or just feel neutral? Leave a comment and let us know.

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What is orgasmic meditation and how do you do it? How can OM benefit your marriage and sex life?

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/present-moment-orgasmic-meditation/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/

“The Male Clitoris”: Frenulum Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/the-male-clitoris-frenulum-technique/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:28 — 29.9MB)

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Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation 4

“The Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time–for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.” — C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

It’s hard to be in the present. We spend most of our time worrying about the future or re-living the past, but the present is hard to grasp. We’ve written before about the importance of making time and energy for sex, but do you ever get distracted when you’re actually doing it? Are you able to be wholly present in the experience with your spouse?

If you’d like to be more present and mindful during sex then you might want to try orgasmic meditation (or “OM”). This post will focus on wives and their orgasms, like most research into OM, but there’s no reason that similar techniques can’t be applied to husbands also.

To get started, you may want to check out this 15-minute TEDx presentation by Nicole Daedone. Her tagline for a woman who feels empty or disconnected from her husband is: “try orgasm”. Take a few minutes to watch it with your spouse.

(It’s worth noting that OneTaste, Daedone’s company, doesn’t have a great reputation. For this post we’re going to discuss the practice of OM, and hope that none of our readers are foolish enough to join a sex cult or pay anyone for sexual services.)

So what is orgasmic meditation? The practice is physically very simple.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

The stroking is meant to happen in an incredibly specific way — on the upper-left quadrant of the clitoris in an up-and-down motion, no firmer than you would stroke an eyelid.

[Anjuli Ayer, CEO of Institute of OM] also considers OM a goal-less practice. “The intention is not to serve as foreplay or to get the participants to orgasm.” That’s right, while the practice has orgasm in the name, orgasming isn’t the goal. Rather, it’s to bring your attention to the present moment and experience pleasure.

The Institute of OM charges almost $200 for a single class, but Christian wives have a more affordable alternative: their husband. Here are the basic steps:

  1. Prepare your space. OM requires 15 minutes with no interruptions, so lock your door and tell the kids not to bother you. Your bed is a great place for OM, but you could use a couch or other comfortable place. You should also get some lube and a minute timer.
  2. Prepare yourselves. The wife should take off her clothes, lie down, and spread her legs with her knees up and her feet down. The husband is recommended to position himself in a very specific way: he should sit on his wife’s right side, with his left leg over her tummy and his right leg under her knees. This position should prop the wife’s knees up and give the husband easy access to her clitoris. Finally, both spouses should commit themselves to the experience and to each other for the duration of the meditation, and focus on the experience at hand (ahem). Pray for intimacy and pleasure.
  3. Begin stroking. Set the timer for 13 minutes and start it. The husband should put lube on his fingers, specifically on his right thumb and left index finger. Next, the husband should insert his right thumb slightly into the wife’s vagina. Then the husband should use his left index finger to begin gently stroking the upper-left of the wife’s clitoris, pulling back the clitoral hood if necessary. The stroke should be light and slow, and approximately half-an-inch in length. (Related: zoom technique and how to rub a clitoris.)
  4. Guide your husband. The wife should tell her husband if she wants him to change his stroking pattern: faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. Despite the name, orgasmic meditation doesn’t have the goal of orgasm. Like Ayer said in the quote above, the purpose of OM is to help you focus on the present and on intimacy with your spouse. If the wife wants to have an orgasm during OM then go for it, but wives, don’t decline OM just because you don’t want an orgasm. Does that make sense?
  5. Grounding. When the timer goes off (after 13 minutes) you should take some time to ground yourselves before separating or continuing on to sex. The husband should change his stroking pattern to a downward motion for a minute or so, and then use both hands embrace his wife’s vulva. This “hug” should continue until the wife releases and deep breath and is ready to be done. Pray and thank God for the intimacy and pleasure you just experienced together.

It’s important to note that OM isn’t intended to be foreplay. You can certainly have sex afterwards if you want to, but the purpose of OM is to promote awareness and intimacy.

In order to reverse this experience and focus on the husband, use the same basic instructions as above but substitute his frenulum for the wife’s clitoris. The wife can use a lubed finger or her tongue to stimulate her husband’s frenulum, or even take the head of his penis into her mouth. The key is the soft repetitive motion, so the approach is going to be very different than a hand job or a blowjob.

If you’re up for an intimacy challenge, consider performing OM together every day for a week, or even a month. At 15 minutes per session, you and your spouse can both OM in the same amount of time it takes to watch a TV show!

Have you ever tried OM before, or anything like it? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

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"Show me how deep can you take me" 5

Here’s an easy foreplay idea that can pay off all day long.

  1. Get a non-toxic marker.
  2. Husband, get an erection.
  3. Wife, take your husband as deep into your mouth as you can.
  4. Husband, use the marker to draw a line on your penis to mark the depth.

The husband will remember the experience for as long as the mark lasts on his penis. The mark from a non-toxic watercolor marker will probably wash off in the shower, but that’s ok, it’s easy enough to measure and mark again.

If you want to make a game of it, the wife can challenge herself to keep beating her record over the course of the day, leaving a series of memorable stripes for her husband to enjoy. At the end of the day, consider using henna to make a long-lasting mark to commemorate the wife’s accomplishment. And, of course, make sure the wife is suitably rewarded for her effort and determination!

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Role-Playing: Cupid and Psyche 6

If you enjoyed Role-Playing: Diana and Orion then you might like this scenario from reader SLS based on the myth of Cupid and Psyche. (Edited slightly.)

The myth of Cupid (or Eros) and Psyche can also be adapted for sexual role-playing. Here is a very simplified and somewhat modified version of the myth.

Costumes: Cupid will need a bow-and-arrow at the beginning of Scene 1 (or a nerf gun like y’all did). Psyche will need a blindfold and something to represent the “hot oil” spilled on Cupid in Scene 3 (coconut oil maybe?). Psyche will also need some lingerie or a short skirt (see Scenes 4, 5, and 6).

Characters: The husband plays Cupid and the West Wind; the wife plays Psyche.

Setting: Scene 1 occurs outside the bedroom. Scenes 4 and 5 can be acted out by walking from the bedroom (or whatever room works best as Mt. Olympus) to the closet and then back again. Remaining scenes occur in the bedroom.

Scene 1: Cupid and Psyche. Venus is offended by the beauty of the mortal woman Psyche, and commissions her son Cupid to work her revenge. Cupid is sent to shoot Psyche with an arrow so that she may fall in love with something hideous. He instead scratches himself with his own dart, which makes him fall deeply in love with Psyche and disobey his mother’s order.

Psyche has yet to find love and Cupid has the West Wind ferry her to his chambers. Cupid is afraid though that if she knows he is Cupid, the son of Venus, it will ruin things. He therefore has her wear a blindfold as he seduces her and proposes marriage.

Scene 2: Love begins. Psyche accepts Cupid’s proposal and he leads the blindfolded Psyche to the bedroom to consummate their union. Overcome with love for her he can think of nothing else but pleasuring her with his hands and mouth. After a time, she is overcome with pleasure and climaxes. After the intense focus on pleasuring Psyche, a tired Cupid snuggles with his lover and falls asleep.

Scene 3: Love Interrupted. After her climax intense curiosity overcomes Psyche about the identity of her new husband. She removes her blindfold to discover it is Cupid! In her surprise she spills hot oil from the lamp and wakes him. He flees as he is hurt and feels she has rejected him. She pursues but cannot catch him.

Scene 4: The Underworld. Desperate to find her love Psyche seeks out Venus on Mt. Olympus (a.k.a. the bedroom), who is hiding Cupid from her as he recovers from his injury. Venus forces Psyche to complete a monumental task. She is to take a box and obtain in it a dose of the beauty of Proserpina (Persephone), queen of the underworld (a.k.a. the closet).

She journeys to the underworld and the queen seemingly grants her request, sending her back with the box of beauty as well as cladding her in the finest raiment (a.k.a. lingerie).

However, when she returns and opens the box she finds that it is full of lies designed to make her doubt her own beauty and the desire of her lover for her. The onslaught causes her to faint.

Scene 5: The Reunion. Cupid rebukes his mother as he emerges from his convalescence to discover Psyche’s limp body before him. He opens Psyche’s mouth and gives her a few drops of ambrosia to wake her and grant her immortality. (That is, Cupid wakes her with his penis and pre-ejaculate.) He declares his love for her openly in front of the other gods and celebrations begin.

Scene 6: Finale. After their wedding feast in Olympus the two lovers head to Cupid’s bedroom. They stand before a large mirror as Cupid uses his hands to arouses his bride while whispering sweet nothings into her ear. He tells her to never again doubt her own beauty or the effect she has on him.

To prove his words he has her bend over in front of the mirror and pulls up her skirt (as she is so alluring he cannot wait till she is naked). As she watches via the mirror he enters her and passionately rides her until he climaxes.

The End.

We think this stuff is geeky and super-fun. Please share your ideas in the comments!

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"New Faithful" + Frenulum Technique 7

We’ve discovered two innovations that combine features from a few of our favorite positions. Before we get into the details, check out these earlier posts for background.

The innovations are tweaks on New Faithful, a position that works like this:

  • Wife lies on her back with her legs spread.
  • Husband straddles the wife’s arm/shoulder and holds his torso vertical, with his penis over the wife’s head and thrusting into her mouth.
  • Wife licks the husbands balls and penis.
  • Husband uses a vibrator on the wife’s clitoris to bring her to orgasm with his penis in her mouth.

New Faithful is great for three primary reasons:

  • It’s a good way for Sexy Corte to orgasm while she’s on her period.
  • The position is comfortable for Sexy Corte — she just has to lie on her back.
  • I love the feel of her having an orgasm with my penis in her mouth.

Ok, so here are the two innovations that made this post worth writing.

First, we’ve discovered that New Faithful is awesome for frenulum stimulation. (The frenulum is a small area under the head of the penis that is similar to the female clitoris.) In New Faithful the wife can lay with her head and mouth pointing straight up and the husband can rest his frenulum right on her lips and mouth — like a golf ball on a tee. The wife should use her tongue to wet her lips and lick the frenulum while the husband rubs himself forward and backwards on her mouth. You might also incorporate some tasty edible lube!

This technique can be sustained for a long time because the wife doesn’t have to twist her neck or work her jaw to perform oral sex, and endurance is important because reaching an orgasm from frenulum stimulation alone can take a while. I actually haven’t been able to do it yet — the nature of the stimulation is different and more gradual than what a man experiences “normally” with stimulation of the whole shaft of the penis. Achieving a frenulum orgasm is one of my sexual goals!

Second, we’ve discovered that Sexy Corte really enjoys the combination of her holding an egg vibrator on herself while I stimulate her clitoris with my fingers. The vibrator and my fingers work together to drive her crazy, and she has an easy time reaching orgasm this way while performing oral sex on me. This has become our go-to activity to give her an orgasm while she’s on her period.

Sometimes people have questions on how to do Old Faithful and New Faithful, so feel to ask in the comments. And don’t be shy about sharing your own tips!

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Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 8

Here are some fun sex links to kick off summer!

A Wife Who Enjoys Giving Oral Sex? YES! — See also: Q&A: How Do I Get My Wife to Swallow and Enjoy It?, Three More Female Perspectives on Giving Oral Sex, How To Make Semen Taste Better

Eyes Open Orgasm — We’ve written about the intimacy of eye contact during sex, along with holding hands.

3 Fun Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life Using the Bible — Basically three fun date ideas.

Make Your Marriage More Fun — We’ve got a few fun ideas for you, too!

75 Ideas for Spicing Up Your Sex Life — That’s a lot of ideas.

3 Things That Make Sex Great — They all boil down to enthusiasm.

You Need a Sex Date and You Need a Period Sex Plan.

Do You NEED More Sexual Variety? — Perhaps surprisingly, the post indicates that wives want more novelty and report more boredom with routine sex than husbands do.

Sexy Metalwork — We’re not really into piercings, but the Bible doesn’t condemn them. See also: Secret Engravings Gift Idea.

Creative Sex in Marriage — Make your default answer “yes”.

18 Things I’d Tell 16-Year-Old Me About Sex and Relationships — If you have kids, these will make for a great conversation with your spouse.

The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research — A really excellent post! We’ll add: The most important sex research for your marriage is the research you do with your own spouse. Be an intentional student of your spouse and you’ll learn a lot.

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