This post is also available as a podcast dialogue: Podcast #019: Dialogue: The Five Love Languages and Sex
Sexy Corte and I are fans of Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages”. We first read the book when we were engaged, and we’ve frequently discussed the ideas in the book in the years since. We’ve gotten a lot of value from the concept of love languages both in our marriage and as we’ve been raising our children.
For those who aren’t familiar with the idea, it’s basically this: each person has a primary love language that they use to both give and receive love. If you learn a person’s love language, you’ll be better able to show him your love and recognize when he is showing love to you. We can learn to give and receive love in languages other than our primary language, if we put some effort into it. The give love languages that Chapman identifies are:
- Words of affirmation.
- Acts of service.
- Receiving gifts.
- Physical touch. (Not primarily sexual.)
- Quality time.
(Side note: your love language is also probably the language you use to hurt someone else, and it’s the language that can hurt you the most. This is especially important to recognize when dealing with your spouse and children.)
So what does this have to do with sex? If you want to please your spouse sexually, do it in her love language! This is probably most applicable during foreplay, but the major themes can be carried through a whole sexual encounter. If you want to turn your spouse on in her love language, here are some ideas.
- Words of affirmation. Talk dirty to her. Tell her how much you love her and want her. Tell her how sexy she is and what you want to do with her body. Tell him how big his penis is, how you can’t wait to feel it inside you. Tell him how your body quivers when he touches you. Pass him secret messages all day to build anticipation for the night. Use words to build up your spouse and communicate your passion and desire.
- Acts of service. Ask your husband how he wants to make love tonight — tell him you’re up for anything. Tell him your body is his, he just has to take it. Offer him his favorite activity without being asked. Tell your wife that you want to focus on her pleasure tonight. Ask her how she wants to warm up and how she wants to orgasm. Add some sexuality to otherwise mundane acts of service, like a topless haircut. Let your spouse know that you want to use your body for their pleasure — how can I please you?
- Receiving gifts. Give your wife a sneak peak of the new toy that just came in the mail. Tell your husband that you bought him a present — and you’re already wearing it under your clothes. Surprise your spouse with a sexy picture of yourself or a new lovemaking music mix. Give your husband the remote control for your vibrator when you arrive at the restaurant. Give your spouse something erotic that tells them you’ve been thinking of them.
- Physical touch. Give your wife a massage — start clothed and gradually improve the situation. Take a bath or shower together and wash each other. Rub your hips against your husband as you kiss him when he gets home from work. Sit on his lap and spread your legs, take his hand and put it on your inner thigh. When you can tell he’s getting turned on, rub his erection through his pants and smile. Grab your wife by the hips when you kiss her. Touch her hair, neck, lower back, and hip bones. Slip your fingers under her clothes. Spank her butt when she walks by. Hold hands. Make out. Let your hands linger a little longer than usual.
- Quality time. This one may be the easiest, because you can do any of the things above and invest time to make it an activity with your spouse. Be alone together in your sex room. Make time to have sex in different places, and different ways. Plan an elaborate sex scenario. Do some edging.Tell your wife a sexy story. Play with your husband while you watch TV. Play a sex game together. The important thing is to set aside all your other responsibilities and give your spouse your devoted time and attention.
As you read through this list, if one of the bullets really hit home with you and you thought “yes, this is exactly what I want my spouse to do!”, then tell your spouse! It’s also important to recognize that your spouse’s love language will probably be different than your own. Discover what language your spouse uses, and then make an effort to show love in that language. Our natural inclination is to show love in our language, but then we get frustrated when our spouse doesn’t appreciate it as much as we think they should.
For a recent special occasion Sexy Corte wore some amazing lingerie while she prepared a fantastic steak dinner, and it was about the hottest thing ever. My love language is acts of service; SC always takes great care of me, but there was something super-erotic about watching her perform a mundane, domestic task like cooking while wearing her come-f-me garter belt and teasing me relentlessly.
If you take the time to learn your spouse’s primary love language you’ll be surprised at how much it helps your communication, and your sex life. What about you? How do you and your spouse use your love languages to enhance your sex life? Leave a comment!
I have read many postings about sex and marriage, but this is one of he best I have read in a very long time. Thank you so much for sharing this. What I found the most interesting was the fact that when we are angry or hurting, we withhold our Love Language from our spouse. What makes it even more shocking is that we actually hurt ourselves by doing it. I think this can be a point of discussion that needs to be opened up.
Please write more about this aspect of it. I have a number of people who receive mails from me on sex and marriage and would like to send this on to all of them.
Thank you for your comment! Sexy Corte and I find that the Love Languages concept frequently helps us to think about our relationship in constructive ways and communicate more effectively. I’m sure we’ll have more to say about it, and we’d love for you to share our blog with your friends!
Great tips! I really like these ideas. :)
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