This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #004: The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness

In our recent post about the importance of enthusiasm we briefly mentioned responsiveness and promised a follow-up post, so here it goes. All aspects of sexual enthusiasm are valuable to cultivate with your spouse, but sexual responsiveness is critical for creating exciting, pleasurable, and memorable sexual encounters. What do we mean by sexual responsiveness? Basically, sexual responsiveness is verbal or non-verbal communication with your spouse during sex that demonstrates how much you’re enjoying what your spouse is doing right then. Whichever spouse is receiving/submissive at the moment should be sexually responsive to the actions of the giving/dominant spouse. These roles may swap once or more during a single encounter, so pay attention. For example, if you are receiving oral sex you should be the one responding.

In this post we will first discuss why sexual responsiveness is important and then describe some methods for being responsive.

So, why is sexual responsiveness important?

1. Your response is your spouse’s reward! If your spouse is pleasuring you sexually, your response tells them that they’re being successful and that you appreciate their effort. If your spouse is going down on you and you’re silent, you may as well be checking your text messages or falling asleep as far as they can tell. We think the need for affirmation is especially strong for husbands — wives, it thrills your husbands when you moan and squirm!
2. Your response leads to better sex. Your spouse wants to please you, so give them some hints! Your response should help your spouse learn to pleasure you the way you want.
3. Your response heightens your own arousal. Responsiveness creates a feedback loop in your own body and brain. When you respond to your spouse you’re also pulling yourself deeper into the moment.
4. Your response creates engagement. Do you want to feel more emotionally connected during sex? Be more responsive to your spouse. Being responsive helps keep both people in the moment, engaged with each other, and prevents distraction. It’s harder for your mind to wander to your to-do list if you are focused on your response to your spouse.
5. Your response is critical when you’re near orgasm. This is particularly true for wives: when you’re close to orgasm, make sure your husband knows it. In order to climax you may need your husband to keep doing the same exact thing for just a few more seconds, so tell him!
6. Your response leads to intimacy. What’s more intimate than crying out your spouse’s name when you climax? When you’re sexually responsive to your spouse you’re sharing the most personal, internal details about yourself, private knowledge about your secret inner workings that no one else gets to experience. If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.
7. Your response leads to great foreplay later. “It felt so amazing when you did XYZ… will you do that to me again later?”
8. Your response is fun! Loud, boisterous, intimate sex is way more fun than quiet, inhibited, distracted sex.

What does sexual responsiveness look like? How do you become more responsive to your spouse? We’re glad you asked!

1. Verbal. Call us old-fashioned, but talking is one of the best ways to respond to your spouse sexually! “More”, “faster”, “slower”, “don’t stop”, “yes!”, “almost there”, “keep doing that”, “you feel so big”, “I love being inside you”, “you’re driving me crazy”, “I need you inside me”. Talk dirty.
2. Your spouse’s name. Yelling out your spouse’s name is a special kind of verbal responsiveness that your spouse will certainly enjoy, especially if you cry out while you’re climaxing.
3. Moaning. For when it feels too good to put into words. Moans, cries, groans, “oh!”, “ah!”, and so forth. If you’re shy you might be thinking that these sounds will seem overly dramatic or fake, but trust us, your spouse will not laugh at you. If your spouse isn’t used to your moaning it might push them right over the edge of their own orgasm.
4. Eye contact. Instead of closing your eyes and disappearing into your own head, keep your eyes open and maintain eye contact. This is especially sexy during initial penetration or orgasm.
5. Kissing. Kissing during sex is always great. Let your spouse feel your reaction to pleasure through your lips and tongue.
6. Hands. Clutch your spouse with your hands when you’re in the throes of pleasure. Tighten your grip. Interlace fingers with your spouse. Gently use your fingernails. Squeeze, fondle, pull.
7. Legs. Similar to using your hands… grab your spouse with your legs. Tighten your grip.
8. Penetration. Push, pull, grasp, or whatever is appropriate to deepen the penetration. Wife, it will drive your husband crazy if you show him that you need him deeper inside you.
9. Writhing. Wiggle and writhe while you moan. Make sure your spouse knows you’re wiggling from pleasure and not discomfort! When pleasure is extremely strong this writhing will happen naturally, which is why incorporating some light bondage into your sex play can be fun and functional.
10. Changing speeds. Going faster, slower, or even pausing can indicate your pleasure. A husband might need to hold still for a few moments to delay his orgasm, or a wife might need to stop moving to get herself over the edge. It’s important to use additional cues so that your spouse knows why you’re changing speeds.
11. Skin contact. Adjust your position to increase skin contact, including arms, legs, and breasts.
12. Bury your face. Nuzzle your face into your spouse’s neck, breasts, hair, or whatever is handy. This can be especially sexy during your climax, and can also help muffle your cries if you have kids in the house!

There are our tips for being sexually responsive. What do you think? What works for you in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your ideas with the rest of us.