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It can be really difficult to open up to your spouse and share your sexual desires, especially if you think your desires are weird or your spouse has previously declined. Vulnerability is tough, but the tips God gave us for talking to him are also applicable when communicating with your spouse.

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

If it’s too hard to ask your spouse for something directly, you can practice through prayer! God is always willing to listen, and he’s happy when we share our desires with him and are willing to submit to his will. Yes — you can pray specifically and explicitly for your sex life with your spouse.

Here are two examples, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex.

The wife could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my husband and our sex life together. I’m eager to have more orgasms with my husband, and I pray that you will bless our marriage and prompt my husband in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my husband’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

The husband could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my wife and our sex life together. I’m eager for her to perform oral sex on me more frequently, and I pray that you would open her up to this idea and prompt her in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my wife’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

Praying openly and honestly to God can help you become more courageous when speaking to your spouse. Pray out loud and get used to saying the words, instead of only thinking them to yourself. And don’t forget verse 3 from above: God is not quick to bless selfish prayers.

Ultimately, you’re probably going to have to speak directly to your spouse. He or she can’t read your mind, and may have no idea what you want — even if you’ve hinted at it a hundred times. God may very well grant your prayer by granting you courage to have a frank conversation. In the next post, we’ll talk more about what this conversation might look like. (See: Talk Explicitly About Your Sexual Desires.)

Do you pray for your sex life? Are you confident enough to share your deepest desires with your spouse? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Happy Valentine’s Day to all our wonderful readers. We pray that you have a joyful and sexy Valentine’s Day with your spouse, and that God blesses your marriage and your sex life together.

Just in case any of you are feeling down today, remember that you’ve already come in first place against a billion competitors. That’s right: as a sperm, you got to the egg first. A healthy man can ejaculate up to 1.2 billion sperm at a time and only one wins the race — you! Way to go!

(video)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

1 Corinthians 9:24

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How can we apply the Fruit of the Spirit to sex with our spouse?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

The Fruit of the Spirit is written in the singular form — there is one Fruit that manifests in nine ways. The Fruit of the Spirit is grown in the life of the believer by the work of the Holy Spirit, not by human effort. Being Fruitful is not a matter of trying hard, it’s a result of walking by the Spirit (v. 16) through the power of the Spirit.

So let’s take a look at the nine manifestations of the Fruit of the Spirit and consider what a Fruitful sex life with your spouse will look like.

Love. “Affection, good will, benevolence.” Fruitful sex is built on genuine affection for your spouse, not only physical pleasure. You pursue what is good for your spouse and look out for his or her best interests. Fruitful sex is intentional and consensual, not manipulative or domineering.

Joy. “Gladness, cheerfulness, calm delight.” A Fruitful sex life is bright and delightful. You cultivate a grateful attitude for your spouse and enjoy sex together.

Peace. “Harmony, concord, quietness, rest.” Fruitful sex is rejuvenating and harmonious, a refuge from the stress and frustrations of life. You and your spouse pursue agreement and compromise.

Patience. “Endurance, constancy, steadfastness, perseverance, forbearance, long-suffering, slowness in avenging wrongs.” A Fruitful sex life is a rock of stability and confidence, never wavering even in challenging circumstances. You wait on each other and serve each other without haste or grumbling.

Kindness. “Moral goodness, integrity, moral usefulness and excellence.” Fruitful sex is a fountain of goodness and blessing for your marriage. Fruitful sex edifies the spirit, body, and mind of both spouses.

Goodness. “Uprightness of heart and life, beneficence.” A Fruitful sex life is honest, virtuous, and excellent. When your sex is Fruitful it is one of the best parts of your marriage. Fruitful sex is a strong foundation for your relationship. You value your sex life and protect it.

Faithfulness. “Fidelity, the character of one who can be relied on, moral conviction.” Fruitful sex is dependable and steady no matter what else is happening in life. Fruitful sex is devoted and committed. Fruitful sex can be relied on in any storm. You are quick and eager to invest in your sex life.

Gentleness. “Mildness of disposition, meekness of spirit, humble.” A Fruitful sex life is generous and giving, focused on the good of your spouse. Fruitful sex does not make demands; you are focused on nurturing and caring for your spouse.

Self-control. “Temperance, the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites.” A Fruitful sex life is passionate and sensual, but it is ruled by the Spirit rather than by physical demands. Fruitful sex is not reckless, but uses our words and bodies carefully. You discipline your mind and body to make your sex life the best it can possibly be. You put in the effort required to be a sexual blessing to your spouse.

Consider praying through this list with your spouse and ask God to grow the Fruit of the Spirit in your sex life. Don’t berate yourself and promise God to try harder — this Fruit doesn’t come from you, it comes from the Holy Spirit. Repent of any sin in your life that may be hindering the work of the Spirit, and then wait on him and see how he works.

How have you seen this Fruit in your sex life? How have you and your spouse grown over time? Leave a comment and let us know!

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In America you can vote for President once every four years, but you can pray for our President every single day. Whoever wins the election will need your prayers. So how should you pray?

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

1 Timothy 2:1-4
  1. Pray for peace and quiet. Peace is an exception in human history, and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Most humans have lived under the constant threat of violence. Pray that our political leaders will pursue peace.
  2. Pray for a godly and dignified life. Pray that our political leaders will protect and support our freedom to live lives pleasing to God, and that they’ll recognize and respect the imago dei in each individual.
  3. Pray that people will hear God’s Word and be saved. God’s ultimate purpose in this world isn’t political, it’s spiritual. Pray that our political leaders will do nothing to hinder the reach of God’s Word. Pray that Christ’s church will take every opportunity to share the Gospel. Pray that the Holy Spirit will “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment”.
  4. Pray with perseverance and thanksgiving. Do not give up on God if he seems slow to answer. Persevere in prayer. We are commanded to cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving in our prayers, so do not allow a “bitter root” to take hold in you.

Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak.

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Colossians 4:2-6

Time is shorter than ever. If you don’t have time to pray every day for our leaders, then you certainly don’t have time to be reading and posting about politics all day on social media.

(Note: Please do not leave partisan comments on this post; they will be deleted.)

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Google’s autocomplete function gives us some insight into what husbands and wives want from each other. The prompts in the pictures below reflect the most common things that people search for based on the words that are already entered. When you go to Google and start typing “how do I get my wife to” here’s what Google prompts you with.

Except for “lose weight” and “shut up”, all these suggestions indicate that husbands long for deeper intimacy with their wives. To be honest, based on emails from our readers, I thought the suggestions would all be about oral or anal sex! Are you surprised?

When you start typing “how do I get my husband to” Google leads you to:

The suggestions for wives are more diverse. “Stop drinking” and “stop cheating on me” certainly reflect two of the most harmful behaviors for marriage. “Leave” is just very sad. “Dominate me” is surprising as the only sexual topic to make the list — I would have expected something like “give me more orgasms”. The rest are very similar to what husbands want: deeper intimacy, attention, and love.

A few of these suggestions may seem amusing, but they reflect heartfelt pleas for help from a husband or wife, thrown into the ether, hoping for an answer from the the faceless, anonymous internet. There’s some good information on the internet (like here!) but there’s one resource that’s even better: prayer. If you’ve found our website via a search like the ones above, we encourage you to bring your need to God, who can actually do something about it. He wants you to have a great marriage and a great sex life with your spouse! I wonder what an “autocomplete” for prayer would look like?

If you have any other “how do I get my wife/husband to” questions, leave them in the comments!

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We don’t discuss politics here (whew!), but we want to encourage everyone to pray for our political leaders — whatever country you’re in.

1 Timothy 2:1-4

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

No political leader can bring about perfection here on earth. Pray for peace; pray that the Gospel will be boldly proclaimed throughout the whole world; and pray that the Holy Spirit works powerfully for the salvation of the lost.

Pray as a couple. Pray with your kids. Pray for our new president, our governors, our mayors, our lawmakers, our judges, and all the civil service workers who make our government function. Pray for freedom, justice, integrity, wisdom, and humility.

Thank God for all his blessings, and never take them for granted.

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Two Salvation Army officers wrote to the organization’s founder, evangelist William Booth, expressing frustration and discouragement with the ongoing failure of their ministry and requesting his permission to shut it down. General Booth replied with a two-word telegram: “Try tears.”

Sexy Corte and I receive a lot of emails from people who are frustrated and discouraged in their marriages, and especially with their sex lives. We try to offer practical, Biblical advice — some sexual, some relational, and some spiritual. In many cases, we’ll go back and forth with someone who has “already tried everything” we suggest, with no positive result, and it’s in these situations that I’m reminded of Booth’s advice: “Try tears.”

Not tears of self-pity, frustration, or anger — those are all-too-easy to come by when your marriage is hurting. Those tears are generally selfish: I’m not getting what I deserve.

We often think that God wants us to be happy, but he doesn’t — he wants us to be holy. The process of becoming holy is difficult and often painful. Consider James 4:1-10:

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Godly tears are the result of humility before a holy God. Instead of focusing on how your marriage and spouse are failing you, humble yourself before God. Weep and mourn for your own sin. God’s will is for you to become holy, and for your marriage to become holy. That includes a marriage with humility, joy, gratitude, and yes, awesome sex. But those things are the result of holiness. Jesus says in Matthew 6:33:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Get on your knees and beg God for your marriage. Turn your laughter into gloom. Fast, pray, and meditate on God’s Word. Let your heart be broken for God’s will. Learn to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage the way God sees them: infinitely precious, and in the process of being perfected through fire. Let God bring you to tears like Jesus’ in the Garden of Gethsemane as he faced his crucifixion. Luke 22:39-46:

And [Jesus] came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. And when he came to the place, he said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. And when he rose from prayer, he came to the disciples and found them sleeping for sorrow,  and he said to them, “Why are you sleeping? Rise and pray that you may not enter into temptation.”

Try tears.

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Ah, spring is in the air!

Why does my husband want to watch me masturbate?

If at first you don’t succeed… ask for sex again. Why? Sex leads to more sex. As we’ve written here before: great sex comes from frequent sex.

Five ways to pray for your husband.

The sexiest thing you can do for your husband — hint: it’s enthusiasm.

The value of friends. Friends that build up your marriage are a treasure.

Bring sex out of the church closet and four lies about sex the church struggles to talk about.

For the dancing and the dreaming — ok, so I mostly linked this because of the corset.

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I was recently in a conversation with other women and we were talking about dating before marriage. One remembered seeking advice from a counselor about how far was “too far” to go before being married. Another laughed and said “it’s funny, before you are married, you always want to push the limit on how far you can go. After you are married you think, I have to do this again?!?!” It was meant to be funny, but in retrospect has made me sort of sad.

Has sex within marriage become a chore? Or merely a duty? Where did the excitement from dating go? Shouldn’t there be more of a spark within marriage because now you can have sex?! What happens?

Honestly, I don’t know. I can only speculate. My guess is that the tiredness of our busy lifestyles makes sex one of the first things we cut out of our hectic schedules. Sexy time with your spouse should be one of your most guarded appointments. You have to guard it, because no one else will. Your boss, kids or house won’t mind in the least if they suck up that extra time from you. Connecting with your spouse, emotionally and sexually, is one of the most important things you can do.

Another thought is that maybe one spouse isn’t feeling loved. If you haven’t read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I suggest you pick up a copy and start speaking to your spouse in their love language. I know I am definitely more responsive sexually when my “love tank” is full.

You and your spouse might also need better communication. If you do or don’t like something, speak up. As much as I think El Fury should be able to read my mind by now, I know that he can’t. This comes easy for some couples and for others it will take boldness. But the more you communicate about sex, the easier it gets. Do a re-cap after sex. Try saying “I really liked it when you…”

Or maybe you need to find a way to change your attitude about sex. Again, this could be easy or extremely difficult for some. No matter what, pray about it. Pray that you can see sex as the beautiful gift that God designed it to be. Pray that you would welcome those touches and caresses from your spouse and instead of thinking “again?” you would think, “YES, again!”.

God gave us sexual needs and spouses to fulfill those needs. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you no longer have to worry about going “too far”. There are so many ways to enjoy each other. Embrace your time together and go have sex!

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Lately I have been hearing from more and more women a consistent desire that is burning in their hearts. They want and need their husbands to step up and be a spiritual leader to their family. They are weary of bearing the burden of leadership that they were not created to bear. We live in a time that feminism and equal roles are common themes in our households. But this is not what God has intended.

God has blessed us with a lot of scripture to help us fulfill our roles as husbands and wives. My favorite is Ephesians 5:22-33.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Scripture makes it very clear — God designed the husband to be the leader of the family. As most Christians learn, when God sets up a model of which to live by, it’s because that is the best possible way. It’s what will bring Him glory, how we will be happiest, and how our lives will function properly. Husbands, you are the leaders. Your wife is to be your helper, your counselor. Lead your wife lovingly and she will happily follow.

So wives, what do you do if your husband is not being the leader you need him to be?

1. Pray. Pray that God would convict him and guide him.

2. Equip him. We are the helpers, the supporters. Start by asking him to make the decisions, and then follow through with the decision he does make. You can also give him the tools and the encouragement he needs to be a good leader. Find a devotional the two of you can do together or with your family. Ask him to lead prayer at meals or bedtimes with the kids.

3. Encourage him. If he does step up and lead, it is probably out of his comfort zone to do so. If your first response is criticism, it will probably make him shut down. Encouragement will build up his confidence to continue leading. Keep in mind his style of leading might look very different from how you would lead. This is where you need to submit and surrender to his leadership.

4. Praise God. God deserves all the praise and glory. I think especially for women, it is easy to put our hope and faith in our husbands. But putting our hope in anything other than God will bring disappointment every time.

5. Don’t get discouraged. Leadership is a learned skill. He’s not going to turn into the leader you dream for your family overnight, and he might not fully step up at once. If he steps up, then falls back into letting you lead, keep praying and keep encouraging him.

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