Sex Q&A: Husband Only Wants Anal 1

Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.

Wife “ZE” write:

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.

I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?

This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?

If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.

Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.

El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.

Wife “DN” writes:

I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]

All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.

We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.

Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.

Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.

El Fury adds: Lots of husbands want to have anal sex, and lots of wives are hesitant or uncomfortable. Here’s an an earlier post about anal sex that goes into more detail: Sex Q&A: “What is your view on anal sex?”. From the emails we receive, many wives are afraid that if they have anal sex once then that’s all their husbands will ever want — and the emails we respond to in this post show that some husbands actually do feel that way! However, if you want to enjoy sexual exploration in your marriage then both spouses need to be both open and practical. There has to be room to try new things, and also a recognition that some activities are only for once-in-a-while.
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!
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Sex Q&A: Physical Touch, Sex Toys, Chapped Lips 2

It’s time for the mail bag!

Husband “RE” writes:

In a nutshell, my marriage to my wife for now 11 years has never been equal sexually. I have my faults and selfishness but thank The Lord he has healed me and corrected me in so many things over the years. We have 5 kids together and our youngest is 2 now. I would like more physical touch while she is completely fine not touching me for days and weeks. I don’t want to struggle anymore and have prayed countless time why are we so very different in this way. Even when I do everything right, go on dates etc., our sex life is probably 3 times a month. Our time on earth is so short and I wish this wasn’t a struggle for me or a big deal.

My first thought reading your email is that I remember when our kids were 2. I stayed home with them, and by the end of the day I often felt over-touched. When they were so little there was such a physical demand on my body that I felt like it was public property in a way. El Fury would come home from work and I wasn’t ready to give him physical affection. In a similar way, he spends most of his work day talking and often isn’t ready to engage mentally right when he gets done working. It helped both of us a lot to disengage and have some alone time. This refreshed us and then we were ready to be together. For me, even just showering by myself and taking my time alone was enough to make me ready for even a hug from El Fury. He needed to zone out or work out, and then he was ready to talk.

It also important to guard our time together in the evening. Kids can easily take over! After 7pm is grown-up time, and we’ve tried to protect that even as our kids have gotten older. We have to pause to put them to bed, but there is an expectation that we spend evenings together.

I would recommend communicating with your wife in a positive goal-oriented manner. Don’t focus on what she is or isn’t doing. Instead, communicate together — what would you like your sex life to look like and how can you work together towards that goal? What do you need from each other? Try to make it a positive, productive dialogue.

El Fury adds: The phrase “even when I do everything right” makes me think that you have a covert contract with your wife that she doesn’t know about and never agreed to. If you want to get laid in exchange for doing things your wife enjoys, you should talk about that explicitly. (Exactly what this arrangement might look like depends on your marriage; I don’t recommend that it be purely transactional, because that’s not generally healthy for loving relationships.)

Wife “HH” writes:

I’m 18 and I’m newly married. (Yes I know that’s crazy young lol). My husband and I have different beliefs about what sex can be. He’s Catholic and I’m Baptist. I believe sex toys, masturbating together, and anal performed on both me and him are okay! My husband is strongly against all of those things. I struggle to ever get aroused sadly no matter how horny I am, “in the mood” or how long we do anything… it has taken a toll on my mental health and is something that has effected our marriage. He knows how badly I want to add vibrators or any toy into our sex life to help aroused me but he’s told me he would never be open to it. Before I met my husband I had a vibrator and I was able to climax every time I used it. I’m very heartbroken thinking that I will not be able to. I’m on medication to help my blood flow to get me aroused, I’ve had medicated lube for blow flow and we have tried orgasmic meditation every time we have sex. We pray together but I think we need more advice on what to do. I also have to beg sometimes for sex with us very discouraging.

There are things that El Fury and I have done that I thought I would never be open to, so be encouraged that sometimes people just need to get used to an idea. It’s great that you pray together.

The Bible talks a lot about sex, but doesn’t specify exactly what is and isn’t allowed. El Fury and I believe that God is very clear in the Bible when there is something that He doesn’t want you to do. For sex, as long as it’s between two consenting people inside the marriage, then we believe it’s good and acceptable. If something brings intimacy to the marriage, then we believe that is honoring to God.

For myself, I can’t orgasm during sex unless we use a vibrator. The use of that tool has greatly enhanced the intimacy of our marriage. It’s not about the tool, it’s about what the tool enables me to do. I think sometimes men can feel insecure if they aren’t able to bring their wives to orgasm. However, the majority of women (2/3) cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Try talking to your husband about his opposition, and make sure he knows that your primary goal is to increase your intimacy together. In your conversations with him, if you emphasize that you want your sex life with him to be amazing. That may alleviate any insecurity he is feeling.

Finally, start slow. You have the rest of your lives together to explore each other. You don’t have to do everything all at once! Start with what will lead to both of you having greater satisfaction in your sex life, and maybe leave some of the other things like anal to explore down the road.

Husband “EE” writes:

My wife and I are newlyweds and were both virgins when we got married. On our honeymoon, as part of exploration/foreplay, I went down on her. She had reservations at first, but ended up loving it. Fast -forward a few months, and she doesn’t want me to go down on her anymore. She says “it still feels good, but it makes me feel chapped after a while.” She agreed to try it again recently for a short while as foreplay, but within 10 seconds she felt chapped again.

My question is, have you heard of this before? Since we’re both virgins we don’t have any experience except with each other. I absolutely love giving her head, and would do it every day even if we didn’t have time for me to have an orgasm after. She clearly enjoys the sensations, but having her lips feeling chapped afterwards is of course a big downer.

I haven’t heard this before, but it isn’t surprising considering how chapped the lips on your mouth can get. When El Fury and I were newlyweds it did take my body a while to adjust to having sex, including oral sex. Hopefully this is something that will work itself out over time.

There are a few things you can try to keep her moisturized. An edible lube might be a good place to start when you’re performing oral on her. You may also try shaving very smoothly before you go down on her, to make sure your facial hair isn’t abrading her skin. If the problem persists I would recommend talking to your doctor.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? 3

When your spouse asks what you want sexually, do you give a safe answer because you aren’t sure how he or she will respond to the full truth? Paul Byerly writes this with regards to husbands specifically, but the same is true for wives.

In my Put An “O” In Valentine’s post a couple of weeks ago, I said, “Ask him what he wants you to do for him sexually. Then when he’s told you, ask him what he really wants.”

The safe answer isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the full truth. The safe answer is in line with your spouse’s expectations — it won’t surprise your spouse, and it won’t rock the boat. The safe answer says that everything is “pretty good”, and maybe I’d like 10% more oral sex.

Why are husbands reluctant to go beyond the safe answer?

Most decent guys are concerned they are oversexed perverts. Of they fear their wife would see them as such if they knew what he really wants. So if she asks, he gives her the mildest stuff and sees how she reacts. If he sees or thinks he sees any non-positive reaction, he’s done. He will make a point of never asking for anything more than that. The other thing that will shut him down is not doing what he mentioned in the next month or so.

A husband wants to be respected and accepted, and going beyond the safe answer risks judgement and rejection from the person he loves and needs most in the world.

What about wives? There are always exceptions, but typically wives aren’t worried about being rejected for being too “crazy”. We’d love to hear from readers on this, but Paul writes that some wives are reluctant to ask for reliable orgasms.

A lot of women sell themselves short here. For example “I don’t need to come every time” is true for some, but some who say that would really, really like to orgasm at least 99% of the times they have sex. Or maybe when she was young not climaxing every time was okay, but it’s been a problem for more than a decade and she doesn’t know how to ask for a change.

You need to put in some patient, trusting effort to get past the safe answer. It will take time for you both to open up and share at a deeper level. Sexy Corte and I talked about Harnessing Your Sexual Fantasies in a recent podcast episode, so listen there for some tips on having this conversation.

If you want to know his deepest sexual desires, you’ll have to coax it out of him a bit at a time. Besides his fear, odds are he really doesn’t know what he wants. He never expects to get it, so thinking about it just makes him unhappy. Other guys could give a long list of things they want to try, and the reality is they would cross many things off the list after trying them once or twice. It’s hard to know if you will enjoy something until you try it.

It’s not uncommon to try something new and discover that it wasn’t as fun as you expected. Frankly, 95% of the sex positions you’ll find online are like that. It’s ok to try something new and then set it aside. Maybe you’ll try again later, or maybe neither of you will feel like doing it again. Sexy Corte and I felt this way about me ejaculating on her face and body. Some people really enjoy that, but for us it was unfulfilling.

If you want to thrill him and give him all the things he didn’t even know he wanted, you can. Just keep asking what he wants. Show him you won’t freak out and he will open up a bit more. Do some of what he talks about, and he will open up even more. If he brings up something you don’t think you want to do, tell him you’re not up to that right now, and ask him to suggest a couple of other things.

Assuming the request is within the boundaries God has set, if at all possible, say “yes” with enthusiasm — this alone will level-up your sex life. Saying “yes” should be a no-brainer for husbands: if your wife wants more orgasms then hop to it! For wives with … creative … husbands it might be more intimidating to say yes to everything, but here are a couple of ideas that can make it easier.

  • “I’ll do my best, but we might need to shift gears if it isn’t working.” Sex can be difficult, so you should both be free change things if it isn’t working in the moment. Commit to try your best even if you aren’t sure you can succeed.
  • “I’ll be happy to do this once in a while, but I’d rather not do it every time.” Some sexual activities are best in moderation, and not appealing for every sexual encounter. Offer a frequency — say, once a month — and be enthusiastic when the time comes.
  • “I don’t think I can do that right now, but how about next week?” Maybe the mood, time, or energy level just isn’t suitable right now, but you’re willing to psyche yourself up and prepare for this activity a bit later.
  • “I’m not comfortable with that right now, but you can ask me again in three months.” This answer isn’t great, but you can use it if you’re really unsure or uncomfortable with the request but don’t want to close the door completely. Give your spouse an opportunity to ask again, and look for a way to say yes.

The spouse doing the asking must show love, consideration, and restraint. Nagging and pestering aren’t attractive or effective for building up your sex life. If you don’t get a “yes” try not to withdraw from your spouse or the conversation. It’s good to be direct and honest, even if you don’t get what you want. Take your request to God and see how he answers. If you do feel moved to ask your spouse again, consider waiting several months and take a simple “yes” or “no” without turning the request into an interrogation.

Do you know what your spouse really wants? How did you find out? Let us know in the comments!

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How can you harness your sexual fantasies to strengthen intimacy in your marriage? This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Sexual Novelty: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/novelty/

Sex Games: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/category/sex-games/

Sexual Role-Playing: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/role-playing/

The Importance of Enthusiasm: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/

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Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 4

Here are some fun sex links to kick off summer!

A Wife Who Enjoys Giving Oral Sex? YES! — See also: Q&A: How Do I Get My Wife to Swallow and Enjoy It?, Three More Female Perspectives on Giving Oral Sex, How To Make Semen Taste Better

Eyes Open Orgasm — We’ve written about the intimacy of eye contact during sex, along with holding hands.

3 Fun Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life Using the Bible — Basically three fun date ideas.

Make Your Marriage More Fun — We’ve got a few fun ideas for you, too!

75 Ideas for Spicing Up Your Sex Life — That’s a lot of ideas.

3 Things That Make Sex Great — They all boil down to enthusiasm.

You Need a Sex Date and You Need a Period Sex Plan.

Do You NEED More Sexual Variety? — Perhaps surprisingly, the post indicates that wives want more novelty and report more boredom with routine sex than husbands do.

Sexy Metalwork — We’re not really into piercings, but the Bible doesn’t condemn them. See also: Secret Engravings Gift Idea.

Creative Sex in Marriage — Make your default answer “yes”.

18 Things I’d Tell 16-Year-Old Me About Sex and Relationships — If you have kids, these will make for a great conversation with your spouse.

The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research — A really excellent post! We’ll add: The most important sex research for your marriage is the research you do with your own spouse. Be an intentional student of your spouse and you’ll learn a lot.

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Four Techniques for Female Pleasure: Angling, Rocking, Shallowing, and Pairing 5

OMGYes has released a Pleasure Report that describes four penetration techniques that are reported to be the most pleasurable for most women.

“We asked thousands of women what they do to experience more pleasure from penetrative sex and found there are four techniques that work for most women,” says sexual and reproductive health scientist, Christiana von Hippel.

Dubbed Angling, Rocking, Shallowing, and Pairing, they stand out from suggestions provided by other scientific studies that tend to scaffold pleasure around specific sexual acts, or the involvement of specific objects or body parts.

Sounds super-scientific! I bet these techniques are going to blow our minds.

For example, 87.5 percent of the respondents claimed Angling did it for them – rotating or elevating the pelvis just right to find a position where the toy, penis, or digits touch just right.

So… find the most pleasurable angle for penetration. Genius.

Around three quarters of those surveyed advocated Rocking, an action defined by movements that help the base of the penis or toy rub consistently against the clitoris during penetration.

Stimulate the clitoris. Wow, thanks science!

About 84 percent of those in the study enjoy a penetrative touch towards the outside of the vagina, dubbed Shallowing.

Ok, Shallowing might be a little less obvious that the first two ideas. We wrote about this technique here: When It Goes In — Shallow Penetration. Most of the nerve endings in the vagina are near the entrance, so it can feel pretty great for the husband to slide the head of his penis in and out at a shallow depth — and it might help the husband delay his own orgasm longer if the full shaft of his penis isn’t being stimulated.

Lastly, there’s also Pairing activity: Just under 70 percent of survey participants claimed they thoroughly enjoyed having their clitoris stimulated with a toy or finger while being penetrated.

Pairing might seem obvious, but it actually took me and Sexy Corte about a year to figure it out after we got married. Now, our go-to position when she wants an orgasm is for her to sit on top of me while I hold an egg vibrator wedged between us against her clitoris. She is practicing to orgasm in other positions, but this is the easiest for her by far.

Research like this can be valuable for guiding sexual exploration in your marriage, but in the end each couple will need to discover what feels good to them. Play around and try new things! You never know what you might like until you try it.

Were there any sexual techniques that took you a while to discover? Leave us a comment and help out the rest of us!

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Leave a Comment and Share Your Recent New Sexual Experiences 6

We love to hear from readers who have recently expanded or enhanced their sex life with their spouse — especially if our blog was a catalyst for the new experience! But whether it’s because of us or not, please leave a comment below telling about a new sexual experience or accomplishment you’ve had. Here are three examples.

K and her husband tried New Faithful:

K
We finally tried this and it was incredible! You are spot on any the feedback loop- we both got super aroused in record time. Will definitely become one of our go tos. Thank you!!

El Fury
Awesome, glad to hear it. Did you finish this way or just use it for foreplay?

K
Both! Helps that I started swallowing with your encouragement :p

Eric and his wife played Sexy Adult Jenga:

We just used your Jenga game rules last night. We had a great time! Thank you for the ideas!! Keep up the good work.

James writes that his wife has started asking permission to orgasm:

My wife just started this and I think it is great. She has always been fairly vanilla but has done this the past few weeks.

As for me and Sexy Corte, we’ve been trying two new things recently that we will write about eventually:

  1. Sexy Corte has been training herself to reach orgasm in positions other than wife-on-top.
  2. We’ve been experimenting with a little anal play.

Please share your new experiences or accomplishments in the comment section. We’d love to create a podcast episode on this topic!

(Note: You need to scroll down and click “load comments” to view the comments section.)

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How Can You Have Variety With Just One Sexual Partner? 7

God’s best plan is for people to have amazing sex inside marriage, and zero sex outside marriage. This plan is obviously extremely counter-cultural, and some people even claim it’s impossible “in this day and age” — as if our ancestors were less sexual than we are. By God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit it is possible to have a sex life that’s awesome and that pleases God (even if you’ve made mistakes). It’s also natural to wonder “what if?” Are there sexual experiences you’re missing out on? Is there a way to have variety without cheating? Jordan Peterson answers this question from one of his listeners in the video below:

I married young and have had only one sexual partner. Now I desire variety, but value my marriage and will not cheat. Any insight on overcoming this conflict?

(The video is queued up to start at this question.)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-kWEDr6VS0?start=1255]

We’ve got a million posts here on our blog with ideas for creating variety in your sex life with your spouse! Hopefully we’ve created a valuable resource, and we personally appreciate all the contributions from our readers.

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End of 2017 Q&A Round-Up 8

We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and are looking forward to 2018. To finish up the year here at Married Christian Sex, we want to share some emails we’ve gotten from our readers — mostly questions for Sexy Corte that have piled up! We love reading your comments and questions, so please shoot us a message (El Fury or Sexy Corte) and we’ll do our best to get back to you. As always, we won’t share anything on the blog without your permission, and we never share names or email addresses.

We especially love to hear from people who have been blessed by our blog! Husband “ONN” writes a very encouraging note:

We came across your blog about a month ago and started reading all the articles you have. We had a very good marriage and a wonderful sex life and didn’t think it could get much better than what it was. We have started applying some of the things we read and have stepped our marriage up to a whole new level. We have decided that we will try new things with an open mind to see how it feels and then decide if we like it or not. Now that you have opened our minds to some of the scripture it is easier to do some of things that are considered taboo and not feel like we are sinning or shameful. We are more relaxed and don’t miss a day without having sex at least once. Now our expectation is that we are having sex every night and we look forward to it. The article that started us was the one titled “yes you should swallow”. After reading that and showing my wife the article we began talking about it and left it up to her for the final decision. When she finally decided to do it I was amazed and very excited about it. This opened up our minds to trying new experiences and techniques. We have decided that as long as it helps our marriage and only involves the two of us we will try it and see if we like it.

Thank you for posting these articles and helping people have a more fulfilling sex life the way God intended it to be.  This is all I have time to write, it is time for us to go have sex now!!

Wife “GP” asks Sexy Corte about shaving:

I’ve been married for 6 years. I perform oral sex for my husband a good bit and we both enjoy it. However, I really want him to perform oral on me too. He’s mentioned it a good bit during intimate moments but I just brush it off. I’m a little embarrassed for him to because of my hair. If I shave, I break out in bumps bad. Any advice?

And SC replies:

Hair definitely gets in the way of oral! :) I don’t shave completely because of the bumps, but leave a little ‘landing strip’ so that it doesn’t get rough.

Questions about shaving come up a lot, including from wife “IT” who includes some encouragement for us:

I’ve got a question about shaving. I’m using hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) that really improves my libido, but also causes my hair “down there” to grow faster. I like to keep it bare, but do I need a personal shaver or something?

Also, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate how candid you two are on your blog! I had never considered using a vibrator before… it had to be “wrong”. I had always been able to reach orgasm from my husband’s touch, but over time he has had to work harder and harder to get me there. After reading your blog we decided to use an egg vibrator, and we both love it! It’s easier for both of us, and the sex is great! I bet lots of wives would be more motivated for sex if they knew how much fun it could be.

We love these emails! SC responds:

Thanks so much for the encouragement! Our whole goal is to help married couples find joy in sex. I’m so glad our site has been a blessing to you!

Shaving is tricky, and everyone is different. I totally understand about the prickly thing, which is why I always leave a “landing strip” (which is like a little runway of hair where it would otherwise never totally shave smooth). I do trim that hair, but haven’t ever liked shaving it completely off. I hadn’t seen the personal shaver before, but if you don’t have luck with your razor it might be worth a try. I do just fine using my regular razor, and as long as I keep up on it every few days it works great. We have a small ledge in our shower that I can put my foot up on and that helps a ton with being able to see what I’m shaving, and push things around to get to the right spot.

You know, I used to think a vibrator or sex toys were “wrong”, but I think it’s where your heart is. A vibrator has completely changed our sex life, and it enhances our intimacy. My focus, even when using a vibrator, is on EF — my love for him, how he is making me feel. An orgasm is an incredibly powerful thing, and I’m so thankful there is a way I can experience that during sex. It makes me want my husband, not a vibrator!

Wife “LL” asks Sexy Corte about being dominant in bed:

My husband and I have been married 6 years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

To which SC replies:

It’s great that you are willing to try this for your husband! Maybe start small and try to be dominant in other ways so that you build up some confidence for the bigger stuff. Grab him in a tight embrace and kiss him in an unexpected moment. Write a note telling him what you are going to do to him later (it doesn’t even have to be something bondage-related). Taking initiative in smaller things might help you when you are in those bigger moments. EF always likes the professor/student and pirate role-playing.

Husband “JY” asks how to help his wife enjoy sex more:

My wife and I have been married for almost two years. Before we were married I was not deep in my faith, I watched porn, and had sex. My wife knew this, and helped me become a better man. When we started to date I stopped watching porn, and we didn’t have sex until our wedding night. We did however dry hump and both of us would climax at relatively the same time. Since our marriage, I can tell that my wife doesn’t really enjoy/ get pleasure from sex. I’ve tried to talk with her, and she tells me that her pleasure is doing it for me. But I want her to enjoy it. When I bring up things like giving her oral or me receiving it she says that those things make her feel gross. We’ve talked and I have expressed my interest in expanding our sex life, but she doesn’t seem interested. I honestly just want her to enjoy sex the way that I do. She hasn’t had an orgasm for over two years, because I don’t believe she is stimulated during sex, and won’t let me try things that could stimulate her. I’m not really sure what else to do. I love my wife very much, and I know that god made sex something for husband and wife to enjoy, and I’m afraid she is missing out on such a pleasurable feeling and intimacy. Any ideas or thoughts from either of you would be very much appreciated.

SC replies:

If you and your wife have good communication, I would in a very non-threatening way ask her if she has ever had an orgasm. It’s possible she hasn’t. Ask if she would be willing to let you focus on her. There are a number of things you can try, but focus on her clitoris, not just penetration. It takes me a good 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and that’s with EF starting with his hand and finishing with a vibrator. If EF uses his hand it’s probably more like 45 minutes. Use lube as well.  I would also try to pay attention to her cycle. Two weeks after the start of a woman’s period is when they typically ovulate, and that’s when sex drive is the highest. For me, it’s much easier to have an orgasm during this part of my cycle.

Wife “SL” asks how to learn what turns her on:

Hello! My husband and I have been enjoying your blog since we got married in May 2015. Our sex life isn’t awful (thanks to God blessing us with good communication), but it definitely isn’t what we know it can be. This is largely due to the fact that my husband has a large vocabulary of sexual things he likes and really knows what turns him on and I don’t. We have tried to explore lots of things and your blog has been very helpful, but I still struggle with knowing my likes and turn-ons. I think not comparing my sex drive/desires to my husband and expecting myself to be just like him is my biggest hangup. Any suggestions of how to explore and figure out what my turn-ons are? Questions I should ask myself? Books that might be helpful?

SC replies:

I think it’s ok if you don’t have a “large vocabulary”! I don’t think I will ever get tired of the standard, me-on-top to orgasm. We do that position at least twice a week and it still thrills me. So finding something that works really well and sticking with it is definitely fine. I’m hoping you know what gets you to orgasm best — and if you don’t, that is a matter of trying different things until you find something that works. For us, we were at least a year into marriage before we figured out what really worked for me. I also think throwing in the occasional new thing keeps your sex life exciting, and it sounds like your husband needs that. Since you are already good with communication (that is a great blessing!) talk about your expectations and what each of you can do to make sure you both have a fulfilling sex life.

You may also want to check out the “Would you rather?” game that we’ve posted, and make some index cards based on that list. It will help you and your husband discover new things.

That’s all the letters for now! We pray that God will bless your marriage, and use your marriage to be a blessing to others. Thanks for a fantastic 2017, and join us in the comment section below.

 

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Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 9

We’ve seen some great posts over the last month or so, but haven’t had time to post them all yet… so here we go!

In Song of Solomon 5:1, God interjects and approves of marital intimacy by saying, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” — This reminds me… I need to finish my long-running series about Song of Solomon!

Dear wife, you deserve a great sex life too! — If a husband wants better sex for himself, one of the best ways to get it is to focus more on his wife.

A huge list of things many husbands would like to try with their wives — also, be willing to be adventurous — wives, science says that you may not even know what arouses you.

Average penis size by country, and a helpful tip for a wife who wants to measure her husband surreptitiously. Husbands, don’t worry: women don’t seem to care as much about size as we do.

Enthusiastic sex = greater intimacy — we also wrote about the importance of enthusiasm.

More about frenulum orgasms — here’s our post about the frenulum. For him, also try prostate massaging.

Move mismatched sex drives towards better — sex and marriage take effort.

Why you should try doggy-style — and here are some tips for the doggy-style position.

How to make sex into a great workout — use all your muscles!

Sex toys for Valentine’s Day — we really enjoy our wedge pillows and remote-controlled vibrator.

Be visually generous — if your husband his feeling down, just ask if he wants to touch your boobs.

Oral sex survey results — every sex blogger’s favorite topic. Husbands and wives apparently want to give more oral sex than they currently do.

Overcoming fellare phobia, the fear of giving oral sex — “He was thrilled!” — Swallowing and Enjoying It. Semen doesn’t taste like chocolate, but hey, you can always add chocolate!

Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day — alternatively: secret message panties.

Podcasts:

Plus, 20 more great links from Forgiven Wife.

Whew, that’s a lot of stuff! If you’ve got another link to share, leave a comment.

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