This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #002: How to Rub a Clitoris
Not having been born with one myself, it took some time and experience for me to learn how to properly pleasure a clitoris — and I imagine most husbands are in the same boat. In fact, some surveys of women indicate that their husbands don’t really give their clits enough of the right attention. Hopefully this post will solve this problem for all couples everywhere for all time!
(The usual caveats apply: every woman is different, so when you use this advice make sure you continue to pay attention to what your own wife actually likes.)
First, here’s a diagram of the area in question.
If your wife is lying on her back, you’ll notice that the vagina itself is south of the clitoris. Husbands often want to focus on the vagina: that’s where it’s wet, warm, and receptive to penetration. The vagina is certainly a good place to spend some time during foreplay, especially to spread around some of her natural lubrication. However, for most women that’s not where the action is.
I’m sure that most men know where the clitoris is — as you can see in the diagram, it’s north of your wife’s vagina, between her labia. I’m sure you’ve used your tongue and fingers in this area many times, once you’ve gotten her wet (from her own juices, your mouth, or some lube). However, what you may not have know is that her clitoris has a “hood” that’s very similar to a man’s foreskin.
The clitoris often hides in its hood even when stimulated. This means that your best efforts are essentially being muffled by an extra layer of skin. Sure, this feels good… about as good as when she licks the shaft of your penis. It feels good, but not as good as when she sucks right on the head.
Fortunately you can pull back the hood and expose more of the clit. Sometimes you can do this just by pushing back and up along the top of the clit with your tongue or finger, sliding under the hood to touch the clit directly. However, it can be more effective if you use the fingers of your other hand to gently pull back and up on the skin around the hood and thereby pull the hood back indirectly along with the other skin. You probably don’t want to pull on the hood itself, but pull it along with the surrounding skin. This can be tricky because the area should be pretty slick to ensure her comfort. (Her clitoris and the surrounding skin is more sensitive than the head of your penis… would you want rough, callused, dry fingers rubbing you there?)
When you’re successful you’ll see her clitoris emerge from its shelter, exposed and ready for pleasure. You may need to maintain the pulling/pressure on the surrounding skin to keep the hood drawn back and prevent the clitoris from retreating. With the clitoris itself you need to be extremely gentle — the nerve density is much higher than anywhere on the male body. Make sure your wife is wet enough to enjoy your touch.
Here are a few tips for actually rubbing your wife’s clit. It’s not exactly rocket science, so ask her what she likes!
- Lick the alphabet. This time-worn advice has apparently been passed down from generation to generation, and it means exactly what it says. Lick each letter of the alphabet across her clit.
- Circular pattern. Dance around her clit in circles, reversing direction periodically. Use more of your finger than just the tip, because as you can see in the diagram above the clit is a line, not a point.
- Up and down pattern. Slide the length of your finger (not just fingertip) up and down over her clit. This movement can also help push the hood back, but the downward stroke often pushes it back in place.
- Fingertip or tongue flicking. Flick her clit with the tip of your finger or tongue. It seems like this is mostly a teaser move and your wife will likely pull you in for more pressure.
- Suck her clit. Take the whole area into your mouth and suck. This will often pull the clit out of its hiding place and expose it to your tongue, but you can use your hand to pull back the hood if necessary. The suction will pull blood into the clit and make it more sensitive, just like when she sucks on you.
- Two-finger slide. Place your index and middle fingers on either slide of her clit and squeeze, sliding up and down. You can also slide them down into her vagina periodically just to keep her guessing. The diagram above doesn’t show it, but the nerves in the clitoris are actually shaped like a wishbone and go down deeper into her body under the labia, so the two-finger slide can help stimulate the full length.
- No retreat. This can be tricky and you want to be careful not to hurt her, but once you have the hood pulled back from her clit you can gently pinch the hood above her clit to prevent it from retreating. This move will let you use a little more force on the clit itself without it being able to get away.
- Curl your tongue. It depends on your genes, but if you can curl your tongue you can surround your wife’s clit on every side.
- With penetration. If your wife is like Sexy Corte, she’ll reach orgasm more easily with you inside her. Put your penis or fingers in her while you rub or lick, and find the depth that works best with what you’re doing on the outside. This is the adult version of rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time. See also: Zoom Technique.
- Endurance. Don’t give up! Some women can reach orgasm in just a few minutes, but most women will require 15 minutes to an hour of manual or oral stimulation to climax. Don’t ask her repeatedly “are you close yet?” Learn to read her body. Your wife might feel selfish or discouraged if it takes her a while to have an orgasm, so be sure to let her know how much you enjoy giving her pleasure.
- Variation. In my experience it’s good to vary your technique and movements while your wife is warming up, but as she gets close to orgasm it’s best to stick with one pattern until she climaxes.
If you’ve got any tips to share please post them in the comments! I’m always eager to learn something new.
Thank you for this helpful and informative article. I wish there were more men who knew about the technique of retracting the clitoral prepuce to accentuate their partner’s pleasure. My husband and I refer to this practice as simply “pulling back the hood”, and I highly recommend it. I discovered the technique by mistake while masturbating as a teen, and the effect was electrifying; the sensation are amplified beyond belief and the clitoris feels a larger and there is a much greater awareness of its erect state.
Thanks for your comment! I agree that most men don’t seem very familiar with the details of female anatomy… Maybe even most women aren’t? We hope that this blog will help rectify this deficiency in some small way :)
Hi I also want to add that when a husband can learn the art of manually stimulating his wife’s clit and G spot simultaneously it can send her really rocking crazy even with multiple orgasms.
Oh yeah, we do that manually in our “old faithful” position! A couple of fingers inside and a thumb on the clit can work wonders.
I found some old (late 70’s) show that was recorded to discuss sexual techniques with a small group of married couples who were not enjoying sexual interactions with each other. It was kind of funny with reminders of the old polyester everything clothing; however, I learned about this technique with a couple fingers inside of me with his thumb up and down over the hood of the clit and keeping minimal direct touch to the uncovered clit as I am VERY, VERY sensitive to direct touching with a finger tip.
I would like to see articles addressing extreme sensitivity to direct touch to the excited, but fully exposed clitoris. Sucking and tongue licking and oral sex is completely amazing; but, I don’t know how to communicate to my husband that he can’t touch the bare clit with his fingers with rubbing or any kind of movement with his fingers. His goatee brushing up and down and sucking with tongue flicking inside my vagina is absolutely amazing and can bring me to amazing multiple orgasms.
Sounds like you learned about what we call the “zoom technique”.
I think you should tell your husband exactly what you wrote! You’re very sensitive, and here’s one way you LOVE to be touched, and another way that isn’t pleasurable. I have a feeling your husband will be receptive to that… most men want to know how best to please their wives.
I typed up a response to this with a few new techniques that I’ve tried in the past year or so. I paused posting it as I remember writing about those techniques on my blog. I went to my site and found the story. When I came back here to finish, my computer crashed.
Instead of trying to recreate that post, here’s my story with the new techniques included. Suffice to say, I love eating Heather’s pussy. This story relates to one night that I spent over 2 hours tongue diving in her lovely juices.
Thanks for the comment! I’ll check out the link.
Keely, know something about the “1 o’clock” position on our lovely wives?
Do women always cum durimg orgasm? Mine usually has to use a toy to cum but hasn’t in a while or that I have seen in quite a while. How can I get her to cum, even though I love watching her use her toy. The best part of her cumming is me devouring every last drop out of her…it sends me to heaven!
By “cum” (verb) do you mean for your wife to create a lot of fluid during her orgasm? If so, then every woman is different and you’ll have to experiment with your wife!
All this chopping and changing would ruin it for me. It has to be a consistent circular motion (with fingers), preferably with some lubrication. No flicking, alphabet or side to side. That would frustrate me no end. Oh and my clitoris doesn’t need exposing, that would make things far too sensitive.