Sex Q&A: Wife Wearing Collar Necklace As a Symbol of Submission 1

Reader “NI” asks:

What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband? It is borrowing from the BDSM lifestyle, but we do already enjoy incorporating some of that kind of play in our intimacy.

Here are a few examples of collar/choker style necklaces. Basically they’re short chains or bands that fit snugly and lay high on the neck.

The short answer to IN’s question is yes, it’s perfectly fine for a Christian to wear a collar or choker necklace. Collars are not inherently immodest or ostentatious, which are the primary Biblical requirements for Christian dress (1 Timothy 2:9).

Digging beneath the surface, let’s also consider NI’s motivation: “as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband”. This idea of a wife wearing a visible symbol of submission to her husband comes from 1 Corinthians 11 — I will excerpt a few verses here; read the whole thing if you’re interested.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. […] For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels [or messengers]. 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; 12 for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.

The passage specifically discusses the symbolism of wives covering their heads with a hat or cloth, but head coverings were a culturally-grounded symbol of submission that may be less relevant in our current culture. The essence of the passage is the instruction for wives to wear a visible symbol of submission; the exact nature of that symbol likely depends on the culture. Some Christians argue that this entire passage is irrelevant to the church today. Some Christians believe that their wedding ring (or engagement ring) fulfills the intent of this passage. (We don’t have a strong opinion on this topic — seek God’s glory and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.)

(We have even less of an opinion on what “because of the angels” means in verse 10. The word translated “angels” can refer to human messengers or observers, but that doesn’t do a lot to clarify the sentence.)

So then, back to NI’s question: “What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband?”

As a husband, my thought is that collars and chokers are very sexy. I’ve discussed this with Sexy Corte and she thinks they look slutty. As NI recognized in her email, collars are somewhat culturally linked not only with submission broadly, but also specifically with submissive sexuality. For some wives, wearing a public symbol of your sexual submission to your husband may feel uncomfortable or unappealing, but that’s mostly a matter of personal preference not permissability.

If collars or chokers aren’t your thing, here are a few similar ideas:

Husbands and wives, what do you think? Do any of you wear symbols of submission or anything similar?

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

Sex Q&A: Wife on Doggy Style: "I felt too exposed and vulnerable" 7

The doggy style position occupies a prominent place in our mental landscape and carries a lot of different connotations, both positive and negative. Wife “LT” wrote to us about her mental, emotional, and physical struggle with the position and agreed to let us share her emails in the hope that this discussion will be helpful and that other women would offer their perspective on doggy style as well.

Wife LT began:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

Firstly, I hated the lack of eye-contact. Not being able to see or kiss my husband made me feel very insecure. I tried looking back at him as much as I could, but it was physically awkward turning my head. I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me. I really missed the intimacy and closeness of the missionary position. I just did not feel loved. As we were doing it, all I could think about was how much I wanted for my husband to just tell me that he loves me and for him to kiss me. At some point I even reached out and held my husband’s hand as I was craving some sort of a connection. I held his hand the entire time until he had orgasmed. Being able to hold his hand during it made it slightly more bearable.

When my husband finished, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. Now I regret ever doing it, and I never want to feel like that again. I guess my question is whether what I am feeling makes sense, and how do I tell my husband about this as he seemed to have enjoyed it. Thank you so much.

I wrote back:

I understand your struggle with this position. It’s a position that in certain contexts can indicate a level of inferiority. You feel like it lacks intimacy and puts you in a role that you feel like you aren’t being respected by your husband. I hope my thoughts can help you see doggy style in a different way and encourage you to communicate your thoughts to your husband.

First, I would focus on the truth that you know about your husband rather than project speculative thoughts onto him. In general, do you feel like you have a close, intimate relationship with your husband? Do you feel like your husband holds you in high regard and respects you? If both of those are true, then you have no reason to fear that doing this position will make your husband think less of you or your relationship. For El Fury, the angle of this position allows him to connect with me in a different way because he can push deeper inside of me. It’s different from other positions. Because of that, it feels incredible to him. For me, if I am highly aroused, it feels great to me as well for that same reason, he touches a part of me that he otherwise wouldn’t reach. With that said, we usually only do doggy style after I orgasm. If we start with it, I’m usually not aroused enough and it can be painful.  I tell you that because I’m thinking it will help you to understand why your husband might like that position.

For the vulnerability aspect, submission doesn’t have to mean it’s demeaning. Vulnerability is an indication of trust, which can be incredibly intimate. When El Fury and I try new things, I know that I can trust him not to go too far, or lose control, or do anything that would hurt me. Knowing that is very meaningful to me. I think from his end, knowing that I trust him with those things is meaningful to him as well!

I think it would be great for you to talk to your husband. Ask him questions, find out what he liked about it. Tell him your concerns and make a plan together on if you will incorporate this position into your sex lives in the future. In my own marriage, this position is like an accent position, and done with the right intent can feel pretty great. I hope this helps! I prayed for you that you would be able to have a good conversation with your husband about this.

LT replied:

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I think I see what you mean by how the shared vulnerability can be meaningful. You are also 100% correct that I do need to talk to my husband about it. I guess at this point I am still struggling to process my own thoughts and feelings. As I’ve said in my initial letter, it just felt awful to me. I felt violated. My husband and I are indeed in a good loving relationship, so I am not sure why my emotions were so strong. In fact, it felt a little better when I could hold my husband’s hand during it. I was craving more of my husband (not less).  I would be happy for you to share my post on your blog if it means that perhaps I could get some more feedback from other readers.

I may need some time to make sense of this.

It can take time and prayer to process complex thoughts and emotions, so give yourself that space. Hopefully your husband will be gracious and eager to learn more about you!

El Fury adds:

LT: Good for you and your husband for experimenting! It sounds like you have a solid sex life together, which is something to be thankful for. I’ll jump on the end of this post to offer a husband’s perspective. Every man is different, so take my views with a grain of salt and be sure to talk to your own husband to get his perspective.

First, yes, doggy style feels physically great! The position lends itself to deeper penetration and greater tightness than positions where the wife’s legs are spread open. Doggy style also gives the husband a wide range of motion, a beautiful view, and lots of fun things to do with his hands. These are all pretty obvious reasons why a husband is likely to enjoy doggy style.

Second, it’s worth exploring the emotional and relational elements of doggy style. I want to highlight a portion of what LT wrote:

I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me.

For a husband it is extremely arousing to receive willing sexual vulnerability and submission from his wife. Men love feeling dominant and powerful, and it’s emotionally arousing when your wife trusts you enough to submit to you sexually. The wife being “exposed and vulnerable” is one of the best parts of doggy style; if you can embrace this emotional facet of your sex life it can lead to incredible intimacy. Many a husband fantasizes of commanding his wife to “bend over” or “get down on your knees” and receiving eager, enthusiastic submission.

LT: Bluntly, your husband may have liked doggy style for the exact same reason that it made you uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love and respect you — I’m sure he does. But he also wants to go beast mode and *blank* you like an animal sometimes. Both things can be true at once.

After an emotionally intense sexual encounter it’s important to kiss and cuddle and reinforce the gentler elements of the relationship, and I think this was missing from your foray into doggy style. Before you try it again, make sure you tell your husband how intense it will be for you and help him understand the support you’ll want from him before, during, and after. This conversation might make your husband reluctant to try doggy style again for fear of making you uncomfortable, so you might need to verbally or physically reassure him that you’re serious about it, that you trust him and want to be vulnerable. Create an opportunity for your husband to be dominant and give him permission to take it.

If you want to read more about why sexual submission and vulnerability from the wife is arousing to her husband, check out these posts:

Readers, especially wives, what do you think about doggy style? Is it emotionally intense for you? Does vulnerability help create intimacy? Leave a comment and let us know.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

Nietzsche and the Bible on Marriage, Possession, and Love 8

Friedrich Nietzsche is perhaps most famous for declaring and lamenting that “God is dead.”

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

But Nietzsche also touched on psychology, and in “Beyond Good and Evil” (in aphorism 194) he wrote some thoughts about desire and possession in marriage. It’s worth noting that despite his amazing mustache Nietzsche never married, often visited brothels, endured numerous physical and mental afflictions, and died at the age of 55.

[I have inserted paragraph breaks below to improve readability.]

The difference among men does not manifest itself only in the difference of their lists of desirable things—in their regarding different good things as worth striving for, and being disagreed as to the greater or less value, the order of rank, of the commonly recognized desirable things:—it manifests itself much more in what they regard as actually HAVING and POSSESSING a desirable thing.

As regards a woman, for instance, the control over her body and her sexual gratification serves as an amply sufficient sign of ownership and possession to the more modest man;

another with a more suspicious and ambitious thirst for possession, sees the “questionableness,” the mere apparentness of such ownership, and wishes to have finer tests in order to know especially whether the woman not only gives herself to him, but also gives up for his sake what she has or would like to have—only THEN does he look upon her as “possessed.”

A third, however, has not even here got to the limit of his distrust and his desire for possession: he asks himself whether the woman, when she gives up everything for him, does not perhaps do so for a phantom of him; he wishes first to be thoroughly, indeed, profoundly well known; in order to be loved at all he ventures to let himself be found out. Only then does he feel the beloved one fully in his possession, when she no longer deceives herself about him, when she loves him just as much for the sake of his devilry and concealed insatiability, as for his goodness, patience, and spirituality.

One man would like to possess a nation, and he finds all the higher arts of Cagliostro and Catalina suitable for his purpose. Another, with a more refined thirst for possession, says to himself: “One may not deceive where one desires to possess”—he is irritated and impatient at the idea that a mask of him should rule in the hearts of the people: “I must, therefore, MAKE myself known, and first of all learn to know myself!”

From Nietzsche’s nihilistic perspective we see three types of men with increasing levels of ambition for possession — not only for possession of a woman, but here using that possession as an example.

  1. The Modest Man is satisfied with controlling the woman’s body and her sexual gratification.
  2. The Ambitious Man additionally requires that the woman give up herself and her desires for his sake.
  3. The Third Man requires all that, but still will not be satisfied unless the woman knows him thoroughly and profoundly, such that she does not deceive herself into thinking that he is better than he is.

When we contrast Nietzsche’s thinking with the Bible we can easily see how his glimpse of the truth was twisted by nihilism. Consider:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33

Some differences that jump out:

  • Instead of possession, the Bible speaks of love.
  • Instead of control, the Bible speaks of submission.
  • Instead of the wife giving herself up for her husband, the Bible says that the husband gives himself up for his wife.
  • Instead of loving devilry and goodness alike, the Bible teaches that we can be washed clean and made holy.

And yet buried within Nietzsche’s nihilism is a profound truth: we all have the desire to be “thoroughly, indeed, profoundly well known”, and this craving to be known is interwoven with our need to love and be loved. The great chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13, decimates Nietzsche’s ambition to merely possess and concludes with a deeply satisfying promise that through love we will ultimately know and be known.

… but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. [snip] For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:10-12

(Side note: Some Christians are dissatisfied with the teachings in Ephesians 5, especially with regard to love and submission, but be sure to notice the stark contrast between the Bible and Nietzsche. Nietzsche was one of the greatest secular minds in history and has had a profound impact on modern culture. It you “kill God” you must yourselves “become gods” to replace him, and don’t be so sure that you’ll do a better job of it. Nietzsche died alone and insane.)

How to Present Your Body to Your Husband For His Admiration 9

After posting How To Admire Your Husband’s Penis (and the related podcast episode) we received a couple of emails asking for advice on how a husband can admire his wife’s body. We’re going to tackle that question in this post, beginning with some advice for a wife on how to present her body to her husband for his admiration and attention.

A husband usually isn’t hesitant to flaunt his penis in front of his wife, particularly during a sexual encounter, but many women are shy about their bodies even with their husbands. We receive frequent emails from female readers who suffer from body shame in one form or another, which is very common in our culture today. On this blog we encourage readers to put an effort into being fit and attractive for their spouses, but you’ve got to maintain realistic expectations for yourself and your spouse. This blog can’t solve everyone’s body fears (not even our own), but for the purposes of this post we’re going to assume that you can overcome any anxiety you may have over your body and put your best self forward for your spouse!

“Presentation is everything” generally refers to food, but men are visual creatures and our hunger is naturally drawn to anything that looks tasty — including our wives. In Get (and Give) a Better View of the Action we shared some tips for positioning your bodies during sex so that you can watch the penetration happening, but in this post we’re going to focus on foreplay. Wife, your husband wants to see your naked body! All of it. He wants to devour you with his eyes (and hopefully his mouth too). When you discard your shyness and anxiety and present your body to him, he will make it worth your while.

Here are some tips for how a wife can present her body to her husband:

  • Naked. Sexy lingerie is fine for some occasions, but for the purposes of sexual presentation you want to be naked and uncovered. Let him see your whole body.
  • Clean. Be clean and well-groomed. Make yourself appetizing. Wash, shave, brush your teeth, etc.
  • Unashamed. Don’t be shy and withdrawn, be bold! Put yourself out there, mind and body. Shoulders back. Back arched. Head up.
  • Vulnerable. Be willing to be vulnerable in front of your husband. Let him see and touch you. Don’t shy away from his eyes or hands.
  • Open. Keep an open posture — spread your legs open to reveal your lady bits; keep your arms down at your sides or behind your back to expose your breasts; keep your head up and your eyes open.
  • Inviting. If your husband is shy, invite him to look at you and touch you. Ask him how he wants you to position yourself, or if he wants you to touch yourself. Help him to be comfortable admiring you.
  • Submissive. Follow your husband’s lead. Even if he’s being shy, invite him to take control of you. Ask him to lead you, and then do what he says.
  • Eye contact. Keep your eyes on your husband. You don’t need to stare constantly into his eyes, but make sure he has your attention while he admires you.
  • Enthusiastic and responsive. Don’t be reluctant or hesitant, or your husband might back off. Be enthusiastic for him and respond to his admiration with obvious pleasure.

There are several positions that are particularly good for a wife to present herself to her husband. The purpose of these positions is to give your husband a good view of your body and to make your body available for his admiration and enjoyment.

  • Standing. Stand up straight, spread your feet shoulder-width apart, put your shoulders back, put your arms behind your back, arch your back, and hold your head up.
  • Kneeling. Sit on your heels with your knees spread, hands on your thighs, shoulders back, back arched, head up.
  • Spread-eagle. Lie on your back with your legs open and your arms over your head or at your sides. You can keep your legs flat, or lift your knees, or lift your legs up into the air depending on how good of a view you want to give your husband.
  • Doggy-style. On your hands and knees, with your butt facing your husband. Knees slightly apart, back arched. Keep your head up and look back at your husband over your shoulder — you’ll probably see a look of pure lust on his face.

Now that the wife is presenting herself, what can the husband do to admire her body? We’re going to copy some of the ideas from How to Admire Your Husband’s Penis and adapt them for a husband admiring his wife.

  • Don’t be afraid of your wife’s body. If your wife is using the ideas above, she’s presenting her body to you because she wants you to look at her and touch her. Don’t be shy. She’s inviting you in. If you hesitate or act uncomfortable she’s going to notice and feel self-conscious herself. Your boldness and eagerness for her will increase your wife’s confidence.
  • Explore your wife’s body. Use your eyes, hands, fingers, and mouth to explore your wife’s body. When your wife presents herself to you don’t jump straight into sex — take some time to enjoy the meal! Don’t focus exclusively on her sexual parts; show her that you admire her whole body. Go slowly. Show your admiration for her body through your touch.
  • Be confident and take control. Your wife is making herself vulnerable and submissive, so you need to lead the activities. Don’t be reluctant to tell her how to move or position herself, but remember that the focus is on her body, not yours! Guide her to the behavior that will help you pleasure and admire her. Try telling her what to do instead of moving her yourself — give her an opportunity to be submissive.
  • Admire your wife’s physicality. Tell your wife how much you love her body. Be specific: what do you like about it? Not just what parts, but what qualities? For example:
    • “I love the way you smell”
    • “I love the way you taste”
    • “You’re so soft and warm”
    • “Your breasts look amazing”
    • “I love the way you feel in my hands”
    • “I want to feel myself slide into you”
    • “Looking at you makes me so hard”
    • “I can’t help staring at you”
    • “I’ve been wanting to see you like this all day”
    • “You’re so wet, you must want something”
  • Tell her what you’re going to do to her sexually. Just like men, women want to be wanted. Tell your wife how much you want to make love with her, and what you want to do with her.
    • “I can’t wait to get my hands all over you”
    • “I’m going to make you scream in pleasure”
    • “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body”
    • “I’m going to eat you out till you beg me to stop”
    • “I’m going to explode if I can’t get inside you”
  • Responsiveness during sex. Admire your wife’s body while you’re having sex.
    • Moaning and groaning in general are sexy. Don’t act deceptivelyjust verbalize the pleasure you’re feeling.
    • “Your body feels so good against me”
    • “You’re so tight on me”
    • “You feel so good in my arms”
    • “I love feeling your legs wrapped around me”
    • “You look so sexy when you ride me”
    • “I’m going to explode inside you”
    • “I can’t wait to feel your orgasm”
  • Admire her body after sex. Tell your wife how much you enjoyed her body.
    • “Your body is amazing”
    • “You’re so sexy”
    • “I love the way you were moving”
    • “I love holding you while you orgasm”
    • “It feels so good to come inside you”
    • “You know just how to touch me”
    • “I never want to let your body go”

Whew, that’s a long post! Hopefully these ideas will help wives be open and vulnerable with their bodies, and help husbands to show admiration and love for their wives. If you’ve got any more ideas or questions, leave a comment below!

The Standing O-vation: Orgasm While Standing Up 10

This sex activity makes the wife the center of attention, while also requiring her energy and focus to make the most of the experience. Even though the husband will be doing most of the active work, the wife will be in a position that is likely unfamiliar to her, which might make it harder for her to reach orgasm. We recommend trying this position when you have plenty of time and energy to devote to it.

(For the purposes of description we’re going to have the wife in the receiving, submissive role and the husband in the giving, dominant role — but feel free to swap roles and have the wife give pleasure to her husband instead!)

We recommend a few bondage implements to make this work, but you can improvise or omit elements that aren’t appealing to you.

  • Handcuffs. We like the fuzzy, comfy kind that are easy to slip off if required.
  • Load-bearing attachment point. You need a sturdy attachment point that’s higher than the wife’s head. A doorway chin-up bar can work, or you can screw a garage hook into a joist in your ceiling. Make sure that whatever you use is the right height and strong enough for the wife to pull on.
  • Vibrator. We recommend a wand vibrator for this activity, but use whatever will be most effective for the wife. This position is already challenging enough, so use her favorite vibrator!
  • Lube. This activity can take a while, so make sure the wife is sufficiently lubricated. Keep it handy so you can re-apply it as necessary.
  • Blindfold. Helps to focus the wife’s mind.
  • Spreader bar. Keeps the wife’s legs apart during intense stimulation.
The Standing O-vation: Orgasm While Standing Up 11

Husband: prepare everything beforehand so your wife isn’t waiting around!

When you’re both naked and ready, here’s what to do.

  1. Turn up the heat so the wife doesn’t get cold.
  2. Put on some sexy music. This activity will benefit from a lack of talking, and music will help the wife attain the required frame of mind.
  3. Cuff the wife’s hands over her head.
  4. Connect the cuffs to your attachment point — don’t make this too high! Her shoulders will be lower than normal once her legs are spread, so ideally her cuffed hands will be right above her head.
  5. Put her ankles in the spreader bar. This will open her up, and also begin to put some strain on her legs. Despite the picture at the top of this post, the wife shouldn’t be on her tip-toes unless she’s really up for a challenge.
  6. Give her a kiss and put the blindfold over her eyes.

Wife: Allow yourself to relax; allow your mind to let go and focus on the sensations in your body; fall into a meditative, dissociative state; take deep breaths; try not to talk; convey your pleasure without words. Your only responsibilities are to enjoy the focused attention from your husband and to open yourself up to an orgasm.

Husband: Now that the wife is suspended and bound, it’s time to begin focusing on her pleasure. Husband, let your imagination run wild as you touch and kiss your wife. Your goal isn’t to bring her to climax as fast as possible, but rather to explore every inch of her body and lead her to an intensely pleasurable orgasm over a prolonged period of time. Here are some ideas for what you can do with her, spending one to two minutes on an activity before switching to another.

  • Intermittent vibration. Use the vibrator on your wife intermittently for one to two minutes at a time, and then remove it. Alternate between the vibrator and the other activities in this list. Gradually increase time with the vibrator and bring your wife to the edge of orgasm without letting her go over until you’re ready.
  • Kiss her all over. And don’t forget to kiss her lips!
  • Perform oral sex on her. With her legs spread it should be easy to reach her lady bits. You’ll probably want to focus on this before applying lube — unless you have some flavored lube!
  • Finger massage. Press the tips of your fingers into her skin and drag them across the surfaces of her body. Spend a while with medium finger pressure, then come back to this activity later with feather-light pressure.
  • Tickle her. Sexy Corte really dislikes tickling, but maybe your wife will enjoy it!
  • Rub her clitoris. Use the Zoom Technique or another pattern. You can come back to this activity as many times as you want.
  • Rub her g-spot. Curl your fingers and reach inside her to stimulate her g-spot. Doing this while using the vibrator is sure to drive her crazy.
  • Enter her vagina with your fingers or penis. Tease the opening of her vulva and work towards deeper penetrations on subsequent visits to this activity.
  • Lick or tease her nipples.
  • Spank her. You should probably ask if she’s up for this before you surprise her with a spanking while she’s blindfolded!
  • Rub her thighs. Her thighs will be stressed because of her suspended position, so there will be extra blood-flow to the region; it will feel relieving and comforting if you massage her inner and outer thighs.
  • Play with her anus. Use a lubricated finger to stimulate her anus. (Be sure to wash your finger off before touching another part of her body with it.)
  • Hug her. Envelop her body in your arms. Nuzzle her neck with your face. Squeeze her tight.
  • Talk dirty to her. Whisper sexy fantasies into her ear. Tell her what you’re going to do to her next. Tell her what you want her to do to you. You can do this while you’re applying the vibrator as well.
  • Put your fingers in her mouth. Have her pretend she’s performing oral sex on your fingers.
  • Make her beg for an orgasm. Before you let her climax, make her beg for it. Don’t make her guess what to say — tell her what to say.

When you’re ready for your wife to orgasm you’ll both have to ascertain if she will be able to climax while standing in this position. The husband shouldn’t push her into it, but the wife should give it her best effort. If it’s just not going to happen, release the wife from the spreader bar; leave the cuffs and blindfold on, while removing the cuffs from the attachment point. Husband, guide your wife down onto the bed and into whatever position is best for her to orgasm. Do whatever you have to do to fulfill the the promise you made her body!

After you’re both done, remove all the bondage stuff and cuddle for a while. When the time is right, you can talk about what you each liked or didn’t like about the activity, and what you would change if you ever do it again.

As a final note: you can also use this activity as an element of a sexual role-playing scenario like Professor and Student or Bratty Wife. It also works well in a scenario where one of you has been “captured” as a pirate, spy, prisoner, etc.

Do you have any suggestions for other activities to do in this standing o-vation position? Leave a comment!

El Fury and Sexy Corte respond to questions from two readers about “pearl necklaces” and finishing on the wife’s body.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Q&A: Mutual Masturbation and Finishing on Her Body: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/qa-mutual-masturbation-and-finishing-on-her-body/

Sex Q&A: “Why would any husband want to do a pearl necklace?”: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/sex-questions-and-answers/sex-qa-why-would-any-husband-want-to-do-a-pearl-necklace/

Maximizing Semen Enjoyment: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/information/maximizing-semen-volume/

Sex Q&A: “Weird” Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/sex-questions-and-answers/sex-qa-weird-sex/

Sex Q&A: "Why would any husband want to do a pearl necklace?" 12

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #007: Pearl Necklaces and Finishing on Her Body

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to do this :( You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (And be honest… there’s probably something you want to try that you’ve been too shy to share with your husband.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

"A Woman’s Defense of the Alpha Male" 13

Alice Atalanta writes a powerful defense of alpha males, and it’s worth reading for both husbands and wives. We get emails all the time from wives who long for their husbands to “take charge” and husbands who are afraid of their wives. Our culture — even our modern church culture — often views men as barbarians who need to be tamed by feminine virtues, which can create both emasculated men and bitter, overcompensating thugs. It’s true that God gave women an amazing array of strengths that men can learn from, but it’s also true that God created men with strengths of our own. As married couples, we need to embrace each others’ strengths and use them for the benefit of the marriage and family.

Here are a few “alpha male” traits that Atalanta identifies, and it’s no surprise that these are qualities that we see perfected in our Heavenly Father.

But there is more to it than just brute force and strength. As much as he may excel as an athlete or on the battlefield, a true Alpha Male also develops the capacities of character to temper, channel, moderate, and strategically employ this strength. Character – and what is traditionally referred to as “honor” – is central to the way that these men live their lives. Athlete Chad Howse, whose article “25 Characteristics of an Alpha Male” is Google’s top result for a search on the topic, hones in on these critical specifics: the Alpha Male, he writes, is “a man’s man, a warrior, a stand-up guy…he’s a leader, the guy others look to for motivation, inspiration…he’s the man women want, without intention the center of attention.” True statement applicable to all of those with whom I spoke. Other qualities highlighted by Howse, and consistent among my own sampling of Alpha types? Persistence, defensive capability, courage, humor, wisdom, humility, learnedness, thoughtfulness in speech, purposefulness, diligence, confidence, restraint, respectfulness, integrity, discernment, generosity, leadership, industriousness, and sincerity. In short, more the qualities of a Renaissance man than a brute. Hobbs’ scholarship supports this, as she considers the ancient Greek model of Plato’s ideal man, whose warrior spirit (Thumos) is tempered by reason – a topic she discusses at length as she is interviewed by Brett McKay on his ‘Art of Manliness’ podcast.

In addition to help from the Holy Spirit — which we should pray for — many husbands just need to feel some permission to act manly! Our culture denigrates manliness to such a degree that many men suppress their natural God-given strengths in an attempt to conform to worldly expectations — which are often feminine behavior patterns. Instead of being bold, the husband is timid, too fearful to express his needs and preferences to his own wife without coaching from strangers on the internet! (And hey, we’re happy to help, but you’ve got to add the final ingredient: courage.)

And wives, do you want your husband to take the lead? He’ll be much bolder if you don’t second-guess his decisions. How many times have you had this conversation?

Husband: Where do you want to go to dinner?

Wife: I don’t know, you pick.

Husband: Ok, let’s go to XYZ.

Wife: Eh, I don’t really want to go there.

Wives, if you want your husband to lead then you have to accept his leadership. That doesn’t mean that you make him guess over and over again until he gets lucky and picks something that pleases you! It means that you offer your opinion and then happily submit to his decision the first time unless you have some serious objection. A husband isn’t a good leader because he always picks what his wife would pick; being a good leader means making decisions that honor God and your family.

Husbands, are you bold in your marriage and family? Wives, what do you really want from your husbands?

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 14

It’s (past) time for another roundup of Christian sex links! Check out these blogs, we’re sure you’ll find something you like.

Your wife doesn’t always know when she’s aroused — Her indications of arousal aren’t as obvious (to either of you) as is a husband’s erection!

Several links about initiating sex:

Wives, don’t be afraid of your husband’s manhood!

How to have “vacation sex” when you’re not on vacation — Be prepared and bring your own lock when you’re actually on vacation!

Your husband needs a girlfriend — Hint: it’s you!

Ten minutes and lube — Quickies alone don’t make a great sex life.

Talk about sex outside the bedroom — Interesting advice for preserving the tranquility of your sex room.

Submission and headship, with handy four-quadrant diagrams — Definitely hard concepts to understand in our modern culture.

“When I orgasm, I shake all over” — Intense, uncontrollable sexual responsiveness from the wife is really hot.

Memorable first thrust technique — “Many women, once aroused and full of anticipation for intercourse, consider the first thrust to be their favorite part of intercourse.”

Don’t miss the good part of her cycle — It’s something we’ve started planning around!

Take advantage of every opportunity to talk with your kids about sex — “When our kids are curious and comfortable talking about sex, we think they are too young and by the time we think we should talk to them about sex, they are embarrassed.”

Three posts with wedding night tips for virgin brides: “What do I do?”, making the mental leap from “no” to “yes”, and “how to I avoid pain?” — Also great for new husbands to read.

Is your spouse really showing you all of his or her sexuality? — Fear/avoidance of rejection is common, even in marriage. How can you assure your spouse that he or she can really share any desire with you?

Erotic wisdom in Proverbs 5 — Hint: “fountains”, “wells”, and “cisterns” are symbolism.

If you have any links you want to share, leave them in the comments!

Sex Q&A: Quickies 15

That is, quick answers to the emails that are piling up! Please jump into the comments if you have any ideas of your own to share on these topics.

Reader “JK” writes:

Hi, I’m wondering if you can give me some advice. My husband and I have been married several years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

It’s more common for the husband to be sexually dominant than the wife, but there are plenty of marriages in which those roles are reversed — whatever works for your marriage is great, and kudos to JK and her husband for figuring it out! What’s more, it’s awesome that JK wants to step up her game to improve their sex life.

My first tip is simple, but maybe not obvious: just because one spouse is “dominant” in an encounter doesn’t mean that she (in this case) needs to think of everything. JK, I’m sure your husband has some fantasies of what he’d like you to do with him, but he might feel like he shouldn’t tell you directly because that would undermine the roles you’re playing. False! Before you engage in any kind of role-playing you need to talk out-of-character and set expectations with each other. During this conversation neither of you is dominant or submissive, you’re just yourselves discussing how you want to have sex. It’s very common for the sexually submissive spouse (usually the wife, but not in this case) to expect the dominant spouse to guess what to do — “read my mind, tell me what to do, and fulfill my fantasy without me having to spell it out for you!” This is not always realistic. JK, talk to your husband and encourage him to help you plan the scenarios that he wants to act out with you!

The second tip is to check out our category for sexy games — many of them have dominant/submissive elements that you can re-use in a million ways. Start with Trivia Night and Professor and Student.

 

Reader “AV” writes:

Hi El Fury. I discovered your site not long ago and it has been very clarifying for me. I love the fact that you guys answer questions on here. So, I have one. I know watching porn together is not a healthy habit, obviously. But what about listening to the audio without seeing it? What about listening alone?

Your sexual thoughts and energy should be devoted to your spouse — so, does listening to the audio track of porn edify your marriage? Does it honor God? Does it focus your sexuality on your spouse? In this particular case it’s hard for us to answer these questions for you, because listening to such audio isn’t appealing to us. The easy answer would be “don’t do it”, but is this audio really different than playing sexy music? I don’t know. Pray and seek God.

Reader “JM” writes:

I appreciate your clear and candid discussion of sexual topics. I looked through the posts searching for thoughts on a particular topic: keeping the sex life magical when separated (military, work, etc.).

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts about what a married couple can do when they are apart? Maybe it is a discussion of phone sex or video chatting. In particular, any suggestions for a wife who is uncomfortable touching herself.

It’s a blessing that Sexy Corte and I aren’t frequently separated by work, so we don’t have much first-hand advice to share. To specifically address the issue of your wife being uncomfortable touching herself, I have two thoughts. First, encourage her to touch herself while you’re with her! It’s very sexy to watch your wife touch herself, and you might even learn a thing or two about how she likes to be touched. Second, you might want to check out one of the numerous “app enabled vibrators” available these days. (Search on the term… we don’t have a specific model to recommend.) These devices will let you control the stimulation that your wife experiences while you’re on the phone, enhancing the feeling of closeness even when you’re far away.

Reader “LG” writes:

Hi, I recently discovered your blog and appreciated the Christian perspective on sex in marriage you write about. I am not married yet but I am in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is quite a lot older then I am however he is still very ‘young’ in appearance. He is a professional body builder and looks about 10 years younger then he is. He is also very healthy. My dads concern before I started dating him was only for my sex life because he said that “passion is sometimes the only thing that keeps a marriage together.” I’m learning more how much frequent sex really does matter in marriage. I am a strong Christian and so is my boyfriend, we both intend to keep our virginity for our wedding night. I am 26 and he is 49. I know its a big age gap. I wanted your opinion on whether it would work for us in the sexual area for us if we got married. I’m thinking ahead too and have considered that when I am my moms age he will be 80. I don’t even know when people stop having sex but I surely don’t want to be the one always wanting it, I want him to want it just as much or more. I know people who marry with an age gap but I have no idea what their sex life looks like! Do you have any first hand information about age gap couples or any insight into this?

That’s a big age gap, and it will become more pronounced as you get older. We get emails all the time from readers in their 60s and 70s who have active sex lives, but it’s impossible for us to say what will happen in your specific situation in 20 years. Also, two 60-year-olds may have a great sex life together, while if one of those sexagenarians were married to a 40-year-old they’d both be miserable because of the libido gap. It’s common for men to experience a decrease in their sex drive as they enter their 60s and 70s.

Reader “KF” writes:

Ever since the birth of my daughter (a few years ago) sex is painful. It doesn’t matter how much lube or how wet I get, it still hurts and I bleed lightly after. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

If sex is painful you should talk to your doctor. It isn’t normal for sex to be painful years after giving birth.

Reader “QF” writes:

Hello, I love your blog and several other Christian sex blogs. Love the way you want to give each other pleasure as often as possible. The one thing I can’t get into my head is, why El Fury? Or is it a secret between you and Sexy Corte?

“Fury” in the sense of “full of unrestrained energy and passion”, not anger! Beyond that, it’s a secret.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email service like Mailinator.