Perfect Example of Trying Again 1

This post is a follow-up to conversation we had with wife “LT” about the struggles she and her husband were having with doggy style. LT was very open about their challenges, and several of our readers shared their experiences and guidance in the comments to the earlier post. You can go read the first exchange at the link above, but to refresh your memory LT started her email with:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

To their great credit LT and her husband decided to try doggy style again; here’s how it went.

Thank you once again for all your help. You and your husband have been very kind. I’ve read and reread your advice and all the comments, and my husband and I decided to try again. We’ve spoken about it, and I explained, to the best of my ability, how it made me feel. I told him that it is really difficult for me and that I need him go very slowly, and I need him to hold my hand during it.

So, we decided to try it again. We did for a few minutes, but at some point in time, it began to feel too intense. The feelings of vulnerability were too intense. Everything was just too intense. My husband was lovely, he was going very slowly and held my hand in his the entire time. He also would ask me how I am doing all the time. It was very sweet. I was really trying to let the feelings pass, and really tried to enjoy the new sensations. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to do it for my husband, and I wanted to do it for myself. But, at some point in time I just broke into tears right there in bed with us still “doing it”. I do not know what it was, but I was just completely overcome with emotion. I cannot remember the last time I was that emotional, but it resonated through my entire body. I just sobbed. I was just so embarrassed. My poor husband was trying his hardest to console me, but it was just pouring out of me.

After, I guess, about an hour of this, we finally made love “normally” face-to-face and it was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I thank you and all the readers for their advice, it was very helpful and insightful. But, I feel that I just really need more intimacy when we make love and I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.

P.S., Feel free to share on the blog if you feel like it would help the discussion. Sorry that I was not a success story.

Let’s begin with the postscript: we think this experience was a great success! Let’s count the ways.

  • They communicated openly and honestly. It’s hard to have difficult conversations with your spouse about sex. LT was very specific about how she felt and what she needed, and her husband was receptive to her needs. We get zillions of emails from people who are so embarrassed to talk directly with their spouse about sex that they spend decades wishing without ever asking. Good conversations about sex increase intimacy and improve your sexual experiences with your spouse.
  • They tried again. It’s easy to give up when things get difficult. It’s easy to evade and avoid. It’s easy to not talk about it. It’s easy to do what’s comfortable and safe. It’s easy to try once and quit. LT and her husband overcame all these excuses and put their best effort into trying again, and that’s a success.
  • They shared emotional intimacy. Both LT and her husband were willing to be extremely vulnerable with each other. It’s really beautiful to read about their emotional intimacy from LT’s perspective, and it’s obvious that they’re willing to share the depths of their souls with each other. Emotional intimacy is often deepened most by sharing difficult experiences, and demonstrating vulnerability and trust is a big success.
  • They finished strong after the frustration. Even after the emotionally draining attempt with doggy style LT and her husband stuck together and made a “perfect” intimate experience. It can be hard to maintain or restart a sexual encounter when it gets disrupted, especially by perceived “failure”, but LT and her husband put in the work to finish strong and end with a success.

LT’s story is a perfect example of trying again. LT and her husband put their best effort into trying doggy style, and even though the attempt didn’t go as planned they were successful in several ways that are more important than merely “accomplishing” a specific sexual position.

Near the end of her email LT writes, “I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.” Is she right? Should they try again again? LT and her husband gave doggy style their best effort and LT didn’t enjoy it, so it’s reasonable for them to think that it’s time to move on. There’s no need to burn yourself out (or your spouse) by repeating the same frustrations over and over. After you “try, try again” and give some sexual activity your best effort, give yourself (and your spouse) permission to let it go…

… for now. No one knows what the future will bring. People change. Give it a few months, or a year, and try again with an open mind. You never know — you might surprise yourself!

What’s your experience with trying again? Are there any sexual activities that you have a hard time with? Have you had any great experiences trying again? Please share with us in the comments!

(click to enlarge)

The comic absurdity of these pictures can lead to a host of interesting discussions.

  1. Are there important differences between men and women?
  2. Does our culture portray women and girls in a God-honoring manner?
  3. Do husbands and wives want some of the same things from each other? Some different things?
  4. Are there distinctively masculine poses that look comical if a woman uses them?

(Thanks to Powerline Blog for the inspiration.)

Hands-Free Vibrator in Doggy Style 5

We use a vibrator when we have sex to help Sexy Corte reach orgasm easily and reliably, but this ties up one of my hands and limits our range of positions — what to do? Well, we’ve finally found a solution, at least for one position!

When we have sex, Sexy Corte typically starts on top and rides me while I use an egg vibrator on her clitoris until she has one or more orgasms. This is the easiest position for her to climax and we use it 90% of the time. One of the reasons this position has worked so well for us is that it’s comfortable for me to hold the vibrator against her and it’s comfortable for both of us for her to straddle me. Unlike most of the sex positions you’ll find online, we can actually hold this position until Sexy Corte orgasms!

This usual approach works very well, but we enjoy trying new things and I’ve wanted to find some way to comfortably reach Sexy Corte with a vibrator in another position — and even better would be finding a way to free up my hands for other activities. So here’s what we’re experimenting with right now.

We’ve written a lot about the doggy style position, and now we’ve found a couple of toys that can help Sexy Corte reach orgasm in this position while keeping my hands free! The first is an inflatable tube-shaped bolster pillow with a mysterious hole built into it. What’s the hole for? The item description doesn’t say. It could be for anything… your remote control, your tiny drink… who knows?

Hands-Free Vibrator in Doggy Style 6
Inflatable bolster pillow with mysterious hole visible near the far end of the pillow.

Well, we found the perfect thing to stick in the hole: our wand vibrator.

Hands-Free Vibrator in Doggy Style 7
A simple wand vibrator.

The process is simple:

  • Turn the wand vibrator on and push the handle down into the hole on the pillow. The hole is tight enough to hold the vibrator securely in position.
  • Turn the pillow so the head of the vibrator is sticking out and pointing up.
  • Wife straddles the pillow so the vibrator is on her clitoris, and bends over into the doggy style position.
  • Wife rests her body on the pillow and rubs against the vibrator while husband enters her from behind.

We’re still experimenting with this new hands-free vibrator position — we aren’t used to the position yet so Sexy Corte takes longer to climax and I have trouble holding my orgasm back! Obviously we need a lot more practice.

Now that we’ve found a hands-free way to use a vibrator there must be a ton of other positions to try it in. Do you have any suggestions? Have you found any other ways to use a vibrator hands-free? Let us know in the comments.

3,000 Subscribers and 4 Million Views! 8

Sexy Corte and I launched this blog on May 13th, 2014, and over this past weekend we hit two milestones: 3,000 subscribers and 4 million page views! We view this blog as a ministry, and it’s very gratifying to be used by God to reach so many people with our simple message: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome!

If this ministry has been valuable to you and your marriage, please consider sharing our blog with your friends and family. If you have a website or blog, please consider linking to us. I know… awkward! Here are a few links that might be easier to share because they aren’t as explicit as most of our content.

Thank you for your emails and comments over the years. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can find the button in our left sidebar right under the search box — we never send spam or share your info with anyone. We pray for our readers frequently, and we hope that God blesses your marriages over this holiday season.

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 9

Here are some christian sex links that we hope you’ll enjoy this Christmas season!

Adult Advent Calendar — a fun, sexy game that lasts all month! Give experiences instead of possessions.

Clitoral, G-Spot and Deep Spot – 3 Pathways to Pleasure — be sure to also check out All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams)

Want to Give Your Wife Intense Sexual Pleasure? Do THIS. — a good post about fingering. See also: Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique and How to Rub a Clitoris.

9 Tips to Give Your Wife Oral Sex — we write a lot about oral sex for the husband, so here you go!

Sexy Pictures and Video in a Christian Marriage? — or you could Role-Playing: Photographer and Model — I think taking the pictures would be as fun as having the pictures.

Do I Have To? — the flip side of Can we *blank*? “If your husband really wants to do a sexual activity that you dislike, do you have to do it?”

Can a Christian Wife Learn to Be Wild? — see also: Sex Q&A: “Weird” Sex

Let’s Talk Lubenumbing lubes, quickie lube, oil-based lube for sex in the water, pack lube for vacation, lube for outdoor sex, and keep lube in the car. I didn’t realize we’ve written so much about lube!

What music is best for sex? — we listen to music that we don’t let our kids hear. Barely related: Play Music From Your Vagina

Sex on The Weight Bench — we’ve never tried this literally, but see Do You Even Lift?

Revisit your limits — maybe you or your spouse wouldn’t do that ten years ago, but how about now? It’s worth reconsidering your limits periodically.

“Tell her how much you enjoy sex with her rather than just saying the sex was good.” — this is a great tip for husbands and probably deserves its own post. Even though a husband may be “sexually spontaneous”, he should still use words to reaffirm to his wife that his arousal is for her.

Hula-hooping for fitness — now I know what I want for Christmas… I want to watch Sexy Corte hula-hoop… in private.

Sex Q&A: Wife Wearing Collar Necklace As a Symbol of Submission 10

Reader “NI” asks:

What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband? It is borrowing from the BDSM lifestyle, but we do already enjoy incorporating some of that kind of play in our intimacy.

Here are a few examples of collar/choker style necklaces. Basically they’re short chains or bands that fit snugly and lay high on the neck.

The short answer to IN’s question is yes, it’s perfectly fine for a Christian to wear a collar or choker necklace. Collars are not inherently immodest or ostentatious, which are the primary Biblical requirements for Christian dress (1 Timothy 2:9).

Digging beneath the surface, let’s also consider NI’s motivation: “as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband”. This idea of a wife wearing a visible symbol of submission to her husband comes from 1 Corinthians 11 — I will excerpt a few verses here; read the whole thing if you’re interested.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. […] For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels [or messengers]. 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; 12 for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.

The passage specifically discusses the symbolism of wives covering their heads with a hat or cloth, but head coverings were a culturally-grounded symbol of submission that may be less relevant in our current culture. The essence of the passage is the instruction for wives to wear a visible symbol of submission; the exact nature of that symbol likely depends on the culture. Some Christians argue that this entire passage is irrelevant to the church today. Some Christians believe that their wedding ring (or engagement ring) fulfills the intent of this passage. (We don’t have a strong opinion on this topic — seek God’s glory and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.)

(We have even less of an opinion on what “because of the angels” means in verse 10. The word translated “angels” can refer to human messengers or observers, but that doesn’t do a lot to clarify the sentence.)

So then, back to NI’s question: “What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband?”

As a husband, my thought is that collars and chokers are very sexy. I’ve discussed this with Sexy Corte and she thinks they look slutty. As NI recognized in her email, collars are somewhat culturally linked not only with submission broadly, but also specifically with submissive sexuality. For some wives, wearing a public symbol of your sexual submission to your husband may feel uncomfortable or unappealing, but that’s mostly a matter of personal preference not permissability.

If collars or chokers aren’t your thing, here are a few similar ideas:

Husbands and wives, what do you think? Do any of you wear symbols of submission or anything similar?

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

Every Article About Vaginas 16

Most people may not realize it, but it takes quite an effort to find header images for our blog posts that aren’t explicit and aren’t exhaustingly overused. I think we’ve mostly been able to avoid fruit and flowers unless the topic of the post requires it!

We try to pick images that are a little quirky, whimsical, or ironic, but sometimes direct is the only option. Do you have a favorite header image? Here are some of mine.

Leave a comment and tell us yours!

"I Can't Pay You, But Maybe We Can Work Something Out" 17

Reader “RN” sends in this story:

We had a very bad ice storm hit Oklahoma earlier this week if you haven’t heard. Sadly, we lost our massive and beautiful oak tree out front. I spent most of yesterday cutting it up. Afterwards when I came inside to take a shower my wife was waiting for me in her sexy robe. She said, “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t pay you for your chainsaw work, but maybe we can work something out”…

…that was the quickest shower I ever took!

Sex Q&A: Wife on Doggy Style: "I felt too exposed and vulnerable" 18

The doggy style position occupies a prominent place in our mental landscape and carries a lot of different connotations, both positive and negative. Wife “LT” wrote to us about her mental, emotional, and physical struggle with the position and agreed to let us share her emails in the hope that this discussion will be helpful and that other women would offer their perspective on doggy style as well.

Wife LT began:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

Firstly, I hated the lack of eye-contact. Not being able to see or kiss my husband made me feel very insecure. I tried looking back at him as much as I could, but it was physically awkward turning my head. I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me. I really missed the intimacy and closeness of the missionary position. I just did not feel loved. As we were doing it, all I could think about was how much I wanted for my husband to just tell me that he loves me and for him to kiss me. At some point I even reached out and held my husband’s hand as I was craving some sort of a connection. I held his hand the entire time until he had orgasmed. Being able to hold his hand during it made it slightly more bearable.

When my husband finished, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. Now I regret ever doing it, and I never want to feel like that again. I guess my question is whether what I am feeling makes sense, and how do I tell my husband about this as he seemed to have enjoyed it. Thank you so much.

I wrote back:

I understand your struggle with this position. It’s a position that in certain contexts can indicate a level of inferiority. You feel like it lacks intimacy and puts you in a role that you feel like you aren’t being respected by your husband. I hope my thoughts can help you see doggy style in a different way and encourage you to communicate your thoughts to your husband.

First, I would focus on the truth that you know about your husband rather than project speculative thoughts onto him. In general, do you feel like you have a close, intimate relationship with your husband? Do you feel like your husband holds you in high regard and respects you? If both of those are true, then you have no reason to fear that doing this position will make your husband think less of you or your relationship. For El Fury, the angle of this position allows him to connect with me in a different way because he can push deeper inside of me. It’s different from other positions. Because of that, it feels incredible to him. For me, if I am highly aroused, it feels great to me as well for that same reason, he touches a part of me that he otherwise wouldn’t reach. With that said, we usually only do doggy style after I orgasm. If we start with it, I’m usually not aroused enough and it can be painful.  I tell you that because I’m thinking it will help you to understand why your husband might like that position.

For the vulnerability aspect, submission doesn’t have to mean it’s demeaning. Vulnerability is an indication of trust, which can be incredibly intimate. When El Fury and I try new things, I know that I can trust him not to go too far, or lose control, or do anything that would hurt me. Knowing that is very meaningful to me. I think from his end, knowing that I trust him with those things is meaningful to him as well!

I think it would be great for you to talk to your husband. Ask him questions, find out what he liked about it. Tell him your concerns and make a plan together on if you will incorporate this position into your sex lives in the future. In my own marriage, this position is like an accent position, and done with the right intent can feel pretty great. I hope this helps! I prayed for you that you would be able to have a good conversation with your husband about this.

LT replied:

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I think I see what you mean by how the shared vulnerability can be meaningful. You are also 100% correct that I do need to talk to my husband about it. I guess at this point I am still struggling to process my own thoughts and feelings. As I’ve said in my initial letter, it just felt awful to me. I felt violated. My husband and I are indeed in a good loving relationship, so I am not sure why my emotions were so strong. In fact, it felt a little better when I could hold my husband’s hand during it. I was craving more of my husband (not less).  I would be happy for you to share my post on your blog if it means that perhaps I could get some more feedback from other readers.

I may need some time to make sense of this.

It can take time and prayer to process complex thoughts and emotions, so give yourself that space. Hopefully your husband will be gracious and eager to learn more about you!

El Fury adds:

LT: Good for you and your husband for experimenting! It sounds like you have a solid sex life together, which is something to be thankful for. I’ll jump on the end of this post to offer a husband’s perspective. Every man is different, so take my views with a grain of salt and be sure to talk to your own husband to get his perspective.

First, yes, doggy style feels physically great! The position lends itself to deeper penetration and greater tightness than positions where the wife’s legs are spread open. Doggy style also gives the husband a wide range of motion, a beautiful view, and lots of fun things to do with his hands. These are all pretty obvious reasons why a husband is likely to enjoy doggy style.

Second, it’s worth exploring the emotional and relational elements of doggy style. I want to highlight a portion of what LT wrote:

I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me.

For a husband it is extremely arousing to receive willing sexual vulnerability and submission from his wife. Men love feeling dominant and powerful, and it’s emotionally arousing when your wife trusts you enough to submit to you sexually. The wife being “exposed and vulnerable” is one of the best parts of doggy style; if you can embrace this emotional facet of your sex life it can lead to incredible intimacy. Many a husband fantasizes of commanding his wife to “bend over” or “get down on your knees” and receiving eager, enthusiastic submission.

LT: Bluntly, your husband may have liked doggy style for the exact same reason that it made you uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love and respect you — I’m sure he does. But he also wants to go beast mode and *blank* you like an animal sometimes. Both things can be true at once.

After an emotionally intense sexual encounter it’s important to kiss and cuddle and reinforce the gentler elements of the relationship, and I think this was missing from your foray into doggy style. Before you try it again, make sure you tell your husband how intense it will be for you and help him understand the support you’ll want from him before, during, and after. This conversation might make your husband reluctant to try doggy style again for fear of making you uncomfortable, so you might need to verbally or physically reassure him that you’re serious about it, that you trust him and want to be vulnerable. Create an opportunity for your husband to be dominant and give him permission to take it.

If you want to read more about why sexual submission and vulnerability from the wife is arousing to her husband, check out these posts:

Readers, especially wives, what do you think about doggy style? Is it emotionally intense for you? Does vulnerability help create intimacy? Leave a comment and let us know.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

How to Pray For Our Political Leaders 19

In America you can vote for President once every four years, but you can pray for our President every single day. Whoever wins the election will need your prayers. So how should you pray?

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

1 Timothy 2:1-4
  1. Pray for peace and quiet. Peace is an exception in human history, and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Most humans have lived under the constant threat of violence. Pray that our political leaders will pursue peace.
  2. Pray for a godly and dignified life. Pray that our political leaders will protect and support our freedom to live lives pleasing to God, and that they’ll recognize and respect the imago dei in each individual.
  3. Pray that people will hear God’s Word and be saved. God’s ultimate purpose in this world isn’t political, it’s spiritual. Pray that our political leaders will do nothing to hinder the reach of God’s Word. Pray that Christ’s church will take every opportunity to share the Gospel. Pray that the Holy Spirit will “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment”.
  4. Pray with perseverance and thanksgiving. Do not give up on God if he seems slow to answer. Persevere in prayer. We are commanded to cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving in our prayers, so do not allow a “bitter root” to take hold in you.

Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak.

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Colossians 4:2-6

Time is shorter than ever. If you don’t have time to pray every day for our leaders, then you certainly don’t have time to be reading and posting about politics all day on social media.

(Note: Please do not leave partisan comments on this post; they will be deleted.)