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Sex Q&A: Bisexual Attraction 1

Reader and commenter Joe Caveman (who asked to use his commenting name rather than being anonymous) has some questions about bisexual attraction and when/if to discuss it with a woman he’s dating.

Hello! I’ve been following your site for a few years, and I appreciate your open-minded, yet principled exploration of sexual topics. This question is for both of you, but SC’s perspective might be especially helpful. Feel free to include this or a pared-down version of it in a Q&A post.

When and how should I come out to a significant other about being bisexual? For example: casually, after a couple of dates? Deliberately, soon before engagement? Whenever a fitting occasion arises, even if it’s not until five years into our marriage?

Perhaps a little more information would be helpful. I’m not out of the closet to anyone close enough to me to know my real name. Also, I’m not “struggling” with homosexuality, in the sense that I’m pretty sure I could feel sexually satisfied by heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I’m not tempted by extramarital homosexual desires any more than I’m tempted by extramarital heterosexual desires.

For that reason, I don’t think my bisexuality should actually matter very much to a prospective spouse. On the other hand, one of the women who I’ve dated spontaneously suggested that she wouldn’t date a bisexual person, and one of my sisters recently said something similar.

Is there a right time to come out to your significant other? Is there a right way? If your significant other is bisexual, would it be important for you to know that? If so, then why?

I’d appreciate your insight into any of these questions.

El Fury writes: We’ve received variations on this question before, and it’s great that Joe is willing to kick off this discussion publicly. The Bible clearly forbids homosexual sexual activity, so we’re going to focus on Joe’s question about same-sex attraction.

The Bible doesn’t really say much about attraction itself, which is mostly involuntary. We have very little control over what we’re attracted to, but we are responsible for how we act on our attractions. In the 10th Commandment God commands us not to “covet”, which has a sense beyond mere attraction or desire — to covet is to want something so much that you make plans and take action to possess it.

So, it seems to us that same-sex attraction is not a sin. See also: What Is Lust?

Sexy Corte writes: We think that the most important thing is that you are attracted and faithful to your wife. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find someone else attractive. That would be impossible! But, in your thoughts and your actions, you stay faithful to your wife.

This does seem like something that would be good to talk about before marriage. I wish I could tell you the right time to have that conversation. We encourage all of our readers to develop an open dialogue with their spouses about their sex life together. If you are comfortable talking about your sex life, you will have a better sex life. Open communication solves a lot of problems in relationships and if you develop that practice then I think you will be able to discuss your attraction to both men and women.

To which Joe replied:

Yesterday, I broached the topic with my girlfriend of two months. It was during an especially personal conversation in which we explicitly decided to discuss things that we needed to know about the other person and things we needed to share about ourselves.

I gave her most of the details that I gave you, and she took it very well. She said that it doesn’t change anything, and she thanked me for trusting her enough to share it with her.

I appreciate your encouragement. Your measured reaction helped give me the confidence to have the conversation.

My girlfriend did express one concern about my bisexuality. I’ve wavered on the sinfulness of homosexuality in the past, and she wanted to know what would happen if, at some point in the future, I decided that it wasn’t sinful. I explained to her that I still wouldn’t date men, because:

  1. If I became romantically involved with a man and then changed my mind again, then extricating myself from that relationship would be emotionally damaging to myself and him.
  2. Most of my family strongly disapproves of same-sex relationships, so dating a man would needlessly sow discord among my family.
  3. Eliminating men from my dating pool only marginally affects its size. There are a lot more opposite-sex-attracted women than same-sex-attracted men.

My girlfriend was satisfied by my reasoning, and there hasn’t been any tension regarding the subject since then. In fact, as I alluded to in my last email, the experience as a whole probably improved our relationship, due to the trust and communication that it established.

We love seeing God work, and we pray for wisdom as we search for God’s will in our lives and marriages.

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"Unique Roman Artifact" "May Have Been" Sex Toy 2

There’s an outside chance that this “unique Roman artifact” discovered at the fort of Vindolanda (Britain) is 100% definitely a 1,900-year-old sex toy.

"Unique Roman Artifact" "May Have Been" Sex Toy 3

Here, therefore, we assess this uniquely preserved object—currently the only known example of a non-miniaturised, disembodied carved wooden phallus from the Roman world. Combining current theories about the role of phallic representations with consideration of the size and form of the object, and potential use-wear, we propose three possible explanations for its use and significance at Vindolanda in the second century AD and reflect on its broader significance for studies of Roman sexuality and magic.

The researchers offer some thoughts about “usage”:

Repeated use of wooden objects can damage or smooth their surfaces, depending on the intensity and frequency of handling and/or the time over which they were used. …

Tactile examination of the Vindolanda phallus reveals that the convex base end is smooth, which we attribute to intentional shaping during manufacture and/or exposure to repeated contact through use. A zone approximately 40mm in length along the underside and lateral faces of the shaft and an area 30–40mm long at the tip (upper shaft, glans and area behind it) were also notably smoother than other surface areas, possibly indicating repeated contact (Figure 7). The greater wear of the convex end and sides of the cylindrical base and the glans terminal may be significant for interpretation of the object’s function. Put simply, assuming such wear was caused by use, the phallus has perceptibly greater wear at either end compared with its middle.

The researchers consider several potential uses for the phallus before they get to the answer everyone wants to know: is it a sex toy?

Demonstrating that the Vindolanda phallus was used as a sexual implement is challenging. Although it explicitly imitates the anatomical form of a penis, modern implements are morphologically more diverse than human physiology; form alone is therefore not indicative. Nor does the size of the Vindolanda phallus preclude its use in this manner. Lubricants may be expected, but neither these nor human secretions are likely to survive archaeologically. Exactly how use-wear might manifest on an object of this type is also unclear and variations in use may be a factor. Research points to different perceptions, attitudes and uses of modern dildos across different genders and sexual orientations. In this regard, if the Vindolanda phallus functioned as a dildo, it need not necessarily have been used for penetration. Instead, actions such as clitoral stimulation might better fit the form and wear observed. Different modes of use, presumably, produce differential wear, but no definitive research exists, to our knowledge, that demonstrates this. Comparison of wear patterns on the Vindolanda wooden phallus with known examples of dildos is also difficult. The greater wear observed on the glans and upper shaft on the Vindolanda phallus compares favourably with the eighteenth-century ivory example noted above, in which differential surface colour and smoothing can be observed, even on photographs. Similarly, greater wear of the glans is observable on a stone double-dildo of the Sui dynasty (AD 581–618) in China, with double-dildos in Chinese historical texts typically described as made of ivory or wood for use in lesbian sexual acts.

And since I know you’re wondering, here’s the Ivory dildo, possibly French, 1701-1800; the wear near the head is clearly visible.

"Unique Roman Artifact" "May Have Been" Sex Toy 4

As we’ve written before, history is filled with people just like us.

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Sex Q&A: Lack of Experience, "Figure It Out" 5

Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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You've Already Won a Billion-to-One Lottery 6

Happy Valentine’s Day to all our wonderful readers. We pray that you have a joyful and sexy Valentine’s Day with your spouse, and that God blesses your marriage and your sex life together.

Just in case any of you are feeling down today, remember that you’ve already come in first place against a billion competitors. That’s right: as a sperm, you got to the egg first. A healthy man can ejaculate up to 1.2 billion sperm at a time and only one wins the race — you! Way to go!

You've Already Won a Billion-to-One Lottery 7

(video)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

1 Corinthians 9:24

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Sex Q&A: Husband Only Wants Anal 8

Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.

Wife “ZE” write:

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.

I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?

This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?

If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.

Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.

El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.

Wife “DN” writes:

I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]

All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.

We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.

Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.

Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.

El Fury adds: Lots of husbands want to have anal sex, and lots of wives are hesitant or uncomfortable. Here’s an an earlier post about anal sex that goes into more detail: Sex Q&A: “What is your view on anal sex?”. From the emails we receive, many wives are afraid that if they have anal sex once then that’s all their husbands will ever want — and the emails we respond to in this post show that some husbands actually do feel that way! However, if you want to enjoy sexual exploration in your marriage then both spouses need to be both open and practical. There has to be room to try new things, and also a recognition that some activities are only for once-in-a-while.
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!
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Sex Q&A: Wife Touching Herself Has Opened New Doors for Pleasure 9

Husband “TN” writes:

I was recently introduced to your podcast and love what you and your husband are doing. It’s needed in the Christian space and I believe it will really help married couples unlock new desires and pleasures.

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have been pretty good about staying intimate. But over the years and having kids I’ve noticed it gets harder. Our kids want to sleep with us at times and it distracts us from having that alone time.

My wife and I recently had a breakthrough while revisiting our love languages. We did them years back, and we were surprised to see that they had changed a little. Both of us now feel increased desire for physical touch.

We have also been exploring new things in bed. My wife has been experimenting with touching herself, and this as opened new doors of pleasure for us.

We want to keep unlocking new experiences in this area but we’re not sure what to try as far as lubes, vibrator, etc. Anyway I feel weird reaching out, but I want to take our sex to a new level and give my wife orgasms in the way that’s best pleasing to her, so I’m doing my homework.

That’s wonderful you are exploring new things together!

First, let’s talk about lube. Lube has been a wonderful thing in our sex life! If we’re doing oral, we usually do that before using lube so that we don’t have to taste it (you can buy flavored lube, but we don’t). Your saliva should be enough lubricant that you don’t need additional lube. We use lube when El Fury plays with my lady bits with his hand. Sometimes we need a little more before penetration, and sometimes not. If you’re playing with your wife with your hand you can usually tell if more is needed, but don’t be afraid to ask her how she’s feeling.

We typically buy simple generic water-based jelly lube from and it gets the job done for less than $5 per bottle. Water-based lube is cheap and easy to clean up. We even keep some in our vehicles… just in case.

Second: vibrators. Vibrators can vary a lot, and we own a bunch of them. Our go-to favorite is the egg vibrator, but you’ll have to experiment to find out what your wife likes best. Every woman is different, so play around and explore. If your wife as never used one before, start low and slow — and use plenty of lube. Enjoy the exploration together, and discover how the vibrator can be used to increase your intimacy.

El Fury adds: In addition to lube and vibrators, there are probably many ways that you can incorporate your wife touching herself into your sex life. Have her put on a show for you while you touch yourself. As she gets proficient, you can go hands-free in any position.

Leave a comment and tell us how you discovered the wonders of lube and vibrators in your sex life!

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Use a Reversible Stuffy to Indicate Your Sexual Mood 10

There’s obviously no substitute for talking with your spouse about sex, but Sexy Corte and I have found a simple and cute way to communicate without words: a reversible stuffed octopus. Usually the octopus sits on our dresser smiling, but during the down part of Sexy Corte’s cycle she turns the octopus inside-out to let me know that she isn’t feeling receptive to sexual advances. We still talk, of course, but the stuffy helps us baseline.

Sexy Corte wants me to get the octopus a little hat to wear when she’s feeling really horny.

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Favorite Gift of 2022: Sexy Coupon Book 11

My favorite Christmas gift this year was a sexy coupon book from Sexy Corte. The booklet has 27 coupons, including three blanks. One of my goals for 2023 is to use all the coupons before the end of the year!

I used the first coupon last night for a baby oil massage. I’ve never been oiled-up all over my body before, and it was a pretty luxurious feeling. Sexy Corte oiled herself first — which was fun to watch — and then oiled me by rubbing her body all over mine — no hands allowed. When we were both dangerously slippery we had sex and then took a bubble bath together. 10/10 — would recommend.

What makes a coupon book such a great gift?

  • Anticipation. It’s like telling your spouse, “look at all the sexy things I’ve got in store for you!” Every coupon is something fun to look forward to.
  • Potential. The three blank coupons are full of potential! It’s fun just to imagine what I might want to write on there. There are only three coupons, but I can think of 100 things I could write. It’s like I’ve got three wishes from my own sexy genie!
  • Initiative. I love that Sexy Corte took the initiative to give me the coupons, and thereby gave me “permission” to take initiative and use the coupons when I want to. Even without the coupons I could have asked her to do any of these things, but now I feel confident asking for them because she has intentionally given me this power.

You can find dozens of sexy coupon books on Etsy and elsewhere, or you can make your own! If you’re having trouble thinking of ideas, ask your spouse what he or she wants, browse our blog, or use the random sex adventure generator.

(The image for this post is from the SNL skit “Dick in a Box”.)

Have you ever given or received a sexual coupon book? What was your experience with it?

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El Shaddai: God Who Provides, and Women's Breasts 13

God intends for every married couple to experience satisfaction, intoxication, and intimacy in their marriage, and he has created breasts and given them to the wife to help accomplish this purpose.

There are hundreds of names for God in the Bible, and each one reveals a different aspect of his nature. It’s impossible to know for certain what the history and origin of each name is beyond what is revealed to us in the Bible, but this post will discuss one possible etymology for the name El Shaddai that reveals God’s nature as our provider and sustainer using the feminine imagery of breasts. After we lay that foundation, we’ll discuss how this imagery can be applied within your marriage.

El Shaddai is most commonly translated as “God Almighty” — El is a straightforward reference to God, but Shaddai is more hotly debated. One possible origin is the Hebrew word “shad” (שד) which means “breast”. Feminine imagery connected with God is unusual in the Bible, but clearly reasonable given the name’s contextual use in Genesis: five of the six uses of El Shaddai are in relation to fertility and fruitfulness. For example:

24 
But his [Joseph’s] bow remained steady,
    his strong arms stayed limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
    because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,
25 
because of your father’s God, who helps you,
    because of the Almighty [Shaddai], who blesses you
with blessings of the skies above,
    blessings of the deep springs below,
    blessings of the breast [shad] and womb.

Genesis 49:24-25

In verse 25 we see this beautiful poetic repetition where God’s name Shaddai is intentionally used alongside the word shad — God is the one who gives his people the blessings of the breast (and womb, for that matter).

Other uses of El Shaddai in Genesis have similar explicit connections to fertility and fruitfulness.

May God Almighty [El Shaddai] bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples.

Genesis 28:3

And God said to him, “I am God Almighty [El Shaddai]; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you [ḥālāṣ, loins], and kings will be among your descendants.

Genesis 35:11

God created women and femininity to reflect important elements of his nature, and it’s beautiful and useful to understand these attributes of God. (Remember: God is a spirit and neither male nor female; even though he has revealed himself to us primarily through masculine imagery, he is the origin and creator of both the ideal masculine and the ideal feminine.)

Now that we’ve laid this foundation, let’s consider this revelation of God’s nature alongside Proverbs 5, a passage that we’ve written about previously in the post Be Intoxicated Always in Her Love.

18 
May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
    Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

Proverbs 5:18-20

In this passage we can see three ways that a woman’s breasts incarnate aspects of God’s nature. For the purposes of this blog post, let’s focus on physical and sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, while recognizing that there are many other angles that could also be fruitfully explored.

  • Satisfaction. This attribute of breasts is foundational to the imagery: breasts are nourishing, nurturing, and satisfying. They represent God’s provision for a need he has created in us. Every husband should look for satisfaction in his wife’s breasts, and every wife should recognize her breasts as a gift of provision from God — for the benefit of her husband and herself.
  • Intoxication connects back to the imagery of the abundant fountain in verse 18. Every husband should be aroused, fascinated, captivated, and seduced by his wife’s breasts, and every wife should embody God’s delightful, joyful nature through her breasts.
  • Embracing. Breasts are the heart of intimacy: safety, acceptance, comfort, belonging. Every husband should pursue intimacy with his wife through her breasts, and every wife should understand how God has created her breasts to enable loving intimacy with her husband.

Breasts are a physical embodiment of feminine aspects of God’s nature, and we should praise him for his creative provision!

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