Sperm Swim in Spirals 1

Here’s a fun tongue-twister of story for Friday morning: scientists just discovered that human sperm swim with a spiral motion, not by swishing side-to-side.

Using state-of-the-art 3D microscopy, a piezoelectric device, and mathematics, researchers in Mexico discovered how sperm really move: They spin, with a wonky asymmetrical wiggle. The researchers reported their discovery today in the journal Science Advances.

“It’s 2020 and we all thought we knew how sperm actually swim, and we couldn’t have been more wrong,” says Hermes Gadêlha, a senior lecturer in the Department of Engineering Mathematics at the University of Bristol. Gadêlha collaborated on the project with colleagues at the Image and Computer Vision Laboratory at the National Autonomous University of Mexico.

Sperm Swim in Spirals 2

I have no idea how this new knowledge can benefit your marriage, but you might have fun with your spouse trying to say “sperm swim in spirals” five times fast.

How To Make Semen Taste Better 3

I think we’d all prefer to live in a world where semen tasted like chocolate. Such a world would have no war and no crime… but then again, it might not have civilization either. In our fallen world, for better or worse, the taste of semen generally ranges from neutral to yuck, which can be a major turn-off and a significant reason for a wife to be reluctant to perform oral sex.

In our recent post titled “Level-Up Your Sex Life” we talked about giving the wife as many orgasms as she wants, and we also shared some encouragement from both husbands and wives to include more oral sex in your marriage. Along with that encouragement we think it’s important to give some practical tips that will help oral sex to be more enjoyable for the wife to perform. Here are a few posts on that topic that you may have missed:

You may think that we write a lot about oral sex, but this blog has over 400 posts! Those ten links constitute around 2% of our total posts… and husbands who crave the intimacy of oral sex make up a good 25% of the email we receive.

Ok, so to the topic of this particular post: how can you make semen taste better? You may be surprised to learn that there are actually a number of proven things you can do to improve the taste of your semen (or your husband’s). First, let’s look at some things that are likely to make your semen taste bad.

  • Dehydration.
  • Smoking, drugs, and alcohol.
  • Caffeine.
  • Red meat.
  • Dairy.
  • Processed foods, including fast food.
  • High-sulfur vegetables from the cabbage family, like asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower.
  • High-sulfur spices like garlic and onions.
  • Basically, if it’s bad for your breath it’s bad for your semen.

Next, here’s a list of things that are likely to make your semen taste better — but still not like chocolate, alas.

  • Water. Drinking more water will lead to higher semen volume, which will dilute the bitter/alkaline taste of the sperm in the semen.
  • Sweet fruits — particularly pineapple. Some of the sugar goes into your semen.
  • Acidic fruits, like cranberries, citrus, pineapple, and peppers. The acidity cancels out the alkaline taste of sperm.
  • Vitamin C will reduce the quantity of salt in your semen. Fruit again, including pineapple, but also celery which has lots of water.
  • Some spices, including cinnamon, cardamom, and peppermint.

If pineapple jumped out to you from the list then you’re not alone. Along with drinking plenty of water, the internet seems to agree that pineapples are a surefire way to improve your semen flavor. For people who don’t want to eat pineapples all the time, you can buy the pineapple enzyme called bromelain as a supplement — it’s like eating ten pineapples in a pill, but without the acidity, sugar, or vitamin C that seem to be important elements of pineapple’s power. For science I tried some bromelain supplements for a few days, but they made my stomach so upset that I had to stop taking them before Sexy Corte could render a verdict on their effectiveness.

Which brings us to the final question: how long will it take for a change in habits to result in a change to semen taste? The improvement will happen gradually over the course of a week as the fluid from your prostate cycles out of your body and is replenished. Presumably you can speed this process up by drinking and ejaculating more.

This post probably won’t be effective enough to bring about world peace or destroy civilization, but maybe it will help a marriage or two. Got any other tips or experiences to share? Leave a comment and let us know!

Nietzsche and the Bible on Marriage, Possession, and Love 4

Friedrich Nietzsche is perhaps most famous for declaring and lamenting that “God is dead.”

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

But Nietzsche also touched on psychology, and in “Beyond Good and Evil” (in aphorism 194) he wrote some thoughts about desire and possession in marriage. It’s worth noting that despite his amazing mustache Nietzsche never married, often visited brothels, endured numerous physical and mental afflictions, and died at the age of 55.

[I have inserted paragraph breaks below to improve readability.]

The difference among men does not manifest itself only in the difference of their lists of desirable things—in their regarding different good things as worth striving for, and being disagreed as to the greater or less value, the order of rank, of the commonly recognized desirable things:—it manifests itself much more in what they regard as actually HAVING and POSSESSING a desirable thing.

As regards a woman, for instance, the control over her body and her sexual gratification serves as an amply sufficient sign of ownership and possession to the more modest man;

another with a more suspicious and ambitious thirst for possession, sees the “questionableness,” the mere apparentness of such ownership, and wishes to have finer tests in order to know especially whether the woman not only gives herself to him, but also gives up for his sake what she has or would like to have—only THEN does he look upon her as “possessed.”

A third, however, has not even here got to the limit of his distrust and his desire for possession: he asks himself whether the woman, when she gives up everything for him, does not perhaps do so for a phantom of him; he wishes first to be thoroughly, indeed, profoundly well known; in order to be loved at all he ventures to let himself be found out. Only then does he feel the beloved one fully in his possession, when she no longer deceives herself about him, when she loves him just as much for the sake of his devilry and concealed insatiability, as for his goodness, patience, and spirituality.

One man would like to possess a nation, and he finds all the higher arts of Cagliostro and Catalina suitable for his purpose. Another, with a more refined thirst for possession, says to himself: “One may not deceive where one desires to possess”—he is irritated and impatient at the idea that a mask of him should rule in the hearts of the people: “I must, therefore, MAKE myself known, and first of all learn to know myself!”

From Nietzsche’s nihilistic perspective we see three types of men with increasing levels of ambition for possession — not only for possession of a woman, but here using that possession as an example.

  1. The Modest Man is satisfied with controlling the woman’s body and her sexual gratification.
  2. The Ambitious Man additionally requires that the woman give up herself and her desires for his sake.
  3. The Third Man requires all that, but still will not be satisfied unless the woman knows him thoroughly and profoundly, such that she does not deceive herself into thinking that he is better than he is.

When we contrast Nietzsche’s thinking with the Bible we can easily see how his glimpse of the truth was twisted by nihilism. Consider:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33

Some differences that jump out:

  • Instead of possession, the Bible speaks of love.
  • Instead of control, the Bible speaks of submission.
  • Instead of the wife giving herself up for her husband, the Bible says that the husband gives himself up for his wife.
  • Instead of loving devilry and goodness alike, the Bible teaches that we can be washed clean and made holy.

And yet buried within Nietzsche’s nihilism is a profound truth: we all have the desire to be “thoroughly, indeed, profoundly well known”, and this craving to be known is interwoven with our need to love and be loved. The great chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13, decimates Nietzsche’s ambition to merely possess and concludes with a deeply satisfying promise that through love we will ultimately know and be known.

… but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. [snip] For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:10-12

(Side note: Some Christians are dissatisfied with the teachings in Ephesians 5, especially with regard to love and submission, but be sure to notice the stark contrast between the Bible and Nietzsche. Nietzsche was one of the greatest secular minds in history and has had a profound impact on modern culture. It you “kill God” you must yourselves “become gods” to replace him, and don’t be so sure that you’ll do a better job of it. Nietzsche died alone and insane.)

Level-Up Your Sex Life 5

We get a lot of email from our readers (thank you!) and there’s nothing more gratifying than hearing from a couple we’ve helped to boost their sex life up to the next level. God is good! If you want to level-up your sex life, then consider these two specific types of stories that we hear pretty frequently.

First and best are accounts from couples where the wife has just had her first orgasm in years, or ever! We hear from women who have been married for decades and never had an orgasm before reading our blog, and wow, nothing makes us happier. Other wives haven’t had an orgasm for years for various reasons — childbirth, kids, illness, or inattentive husbands. From these stories, it seems that the wife’s orgasms are a huge blessing to the marriage as a whole and are foundational for a couple’s sex life. Do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants.

Ann wrote:

So many [posts] have been of benefit to us but particularly learning that sex toys are not “evil”. Historically, I think I had an easier time than many women reaching orgasm, but my changing 50’s body was betraying me and it was horribly frustrating (and my husband know my body, used many approaches, for extended lengths of time and nothing was working. This was not a case of believing PIV was adequate). I truly wondered if orgasms were no longer a to be part of my life. One little vibrator fixed that! Also, a few links you have shared have been of tremendous help as well. Thank you from the depths of both our hearts and bodies!!

Scott wrote:

Favorite post is “Edge-of-the-Bed Sex Positions”. This related to me because it was something we’d already just recently gotten working well (and has taken over as #1 position when using condoms). Even more recently, since reading it, my wife decided to take the vibrator plunge, and both times it was in this position. Amazingly enough, the second time led to her first (awake) O! Took 12 yr, but we finally got there! Late in intercourse, we transitioned to “Packing the Suitcase” from a related position, and that actually seemed to trigger her final ascent. I don’t think I’d have made the change to the positioning without having read that, so I really think we have your website to thank for contributing to her first time!

And now Scott and his wife are enjoying multiple orgasms!

Did want a drop a note that your post here was extremely well timed. It came right after we got my wife her first multiple-O session ever! As I’ve posted here, she’d never achieved a (non-nocturnal) O until less than 5 months ago, and now we’re getting “success” 95% of the time. I won’t go into detail, but this time she basically said to keep going, and a few minutes (and seemingly massive pleasure) later, she got a spectacular second! Let’s just say I had an unshakeable grin for quite some time afterwards. I’m guessing it’ll only be a once per month (or every few months) thing, but it was so thrilling to see my wife WANT that for himself, plus I got the joy of serving her until she got it. :-)

I appreciate what you write here, and it has contributed to my efforts and improved mindset in achieving new heights for my marriage relationship!

Second-best are accounts from couples where the wife is newly willing to perform oral sex and/or swallow. So many couples write to us overjoyed to have tried oral sex for the first time — the husbands are obviously thrilled, but you might be surprised at how blessed the wives are, too.

K wrote:

K
So… I gave it a go and swallowed for the first time today. Thanks for the inspiration! 

Sexy Corte
That’s great! Thanks for letting us know. Was your husband excited?

K
He was thrilled! It was an amazing way to bond- more than I could have imagined. You guys are awesome- don’t stop writing!!

Thunder wrote:

I took the time to have several respectful and heartfelt conversations about sex in general and about oral sex and swallowing specifically.

Earlier this week she let me finish in her mouth for the first time in 10 years. It was an amazing experience. After starting the morning that way (I was almost late for work, but who cares!), I felt very and completely loved the rest of the day.

rita_m wrote:

I’m a Christian woman in my 40s, married with 3 kids and have an enjoyable sex life with husband. I want to please him and swallowing his semen has seemed like a big step to take. We enjoy oral sex a lot and I enjoy giving very much. We progressed to me first tasting and finally swallowing his sperm and it was very strange, like venturing onto new territory sexually. Like having sex for the first time, I was really nervous, wondering how it would taste and feel like. It’s such a powerful act, ejaculation, that I was afraid of “taking it’s full force” in my mouth. I’m glad I did, he enjoys it a lot and it has brought us closer together. Now I almost insist on swallowing every occasion I get! He likes how I embrace this seed of his that he produces, and I enjoy tasting his most intimate flavors and even enjoy the taste with the variation in taste and texture.

So if you’re looking to level-up your sex life consider taking these tips from our readers: as many orgasms as the wife wants, and oral sex for the husband.

What have you done to level-up your sex life? Leave a comment and let us know!

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 6

We haven’t done a link round-up since Christmas! Time flies.

Awaken Love has several great posts we want to link to.

What Will It Take to Make Sex Happen? — Maybe the wife could rev up her indicators of interest or the husband could make himself more lustable.

It’s Okay You Have to Learn How to Have Great Sex — Great sex takes communication, practice, and effort from both spouses.

56 Sexy Truth or Dare Bedroom Game — I’m going to steal a few of these when I get around to updating our Random Sexual Truth-Or-Dare page.

Crossed Manual Stimulation Technique — Here’s a fingering technique we haven’t seen before: the husband crosses his fingers and twists them inside the wife.

How to Give Your Husband a Blowjob — Father’s Day has passed, but I’m sure he won’t object.

“What if we had sex for 60 days in a row?” — Intimacy will increase in all areas of your marriage, and you’ll get a lot better at sex.

Shannon Ethridge links to a TED talk: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm by Mary Roach.

Is it ok for a wife to tie up her husband and dominate him during sex? — Yes. Sex play is play. As long as both spouses are consenting then there’s nothing wrong with tying each other up or role-playing with power dynamics.

Perifit: The Video Game That Helps Your Pelvic Floor! — Kegel exercise video game. “Squeeze to turn!”

Need more links?! Check out 30 more Christian sex links from The Forgiven Wife. Need more sex Q&A? Jay Dee has you covered.

Husbands Want Quantity, Wives Want Quality 7

Quality is better than quantity. That statement is beneficial in many ways. But what if quantity is the quality? Husbands often view sex through that lens. We get a lot of emails from readers asking about frequency. Men want their wives to have more sex. Women wonder why their husbands want to have sex so much, and often comment that they don’t enjoy it. Here are some thoughts on how to improve the quality and the quantity.

As a couple: Communication can fix a lot of problems. Sex can be awkward to talk about, but the more you communicate about your sex life the easier it is to talk about. How often do each of you need an orgasm to feel satisfied? In a week? A month? Pay attention and notice when you feel aroused. What time of day works best to have sex? What can you do to meet your spouse’s needs? Is there something you can do to make sex better? Remember, you are the only person that can meet your spouse’s sexual needs.

For husbands: If you want to have quantity, you need to increase the quality. Your wife is not going to want to have sex if you don’t bother getting her aroused, or making sure  that she is having all of the orgasms that she wants. Shift your focus from just having sex to making sure your wife is enjoying it. Around 70-80% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That means only 20-30% of women can orgasm through standard penis-in-vagina sex. We have wives tell us that after years of marriage they just experienced their first orgasm. If your wife is one of the majority, you have to be more creative to give her an orgasm. For many women it takes 20-45 minutes of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Use your hand or a vibrator, and stay there. Men can be aroused in an instant, but arousal can be a lengthy process for a woman. Notice her throughout the day and be intentional in words, touch, etc. When you start to have sex, spend a while in foreplay. Sex can be painful for your wife if she is not aroused. Husband, you might be surprised by how much your wife wants to have sex when she’s having frequent orgasms!

For wives: Quantity has a quality all of its own. You might be surprised at how often your husband would want to have sex if you were available. Find out what your husband needs to feel satisfied. It’s ok to have sex and not have an orgasm, as long as you are sexually satisfied overall. Be available to your husband. Remember, you are the only person your spouse can have sex with. He will never grow tired of having sex. Pray for the right attitude towards meeting his sexual needs. Sex is not a burden, it is a gift. Sometimes it is a tricky gift to figure out! Find what makes you enjoy sex, then pursue doing that together. Your husband almost certainly wants to give you pleasure, but may not know how. If you have never had an orgasm, explore how to make that happen with your husband. An orgasm is the key to unlocking the pleasure of sex.

Remember that you are a team. You love each other. If both spouses in a marriage focus their energy on pleasing the other, your own needs will get met along the way.

Sex Q&A: Childbirth, High-Libido Wives, and Encouragement 8

We’re grateful for all the emails we receive from our readers! We’re very humbled to be asked for help and advice, and we’re blessed to receive so much encouragement. We think these emails may be encouraging to you, our readers, because they demonstrate that every marriage has sexual challenges, and that there’s hope for every couple to have an awesome and fulfilling sex life.

Husband “NL” asks about sex after childbirth:

I have a question about sex after childbirth. My wife had a baby 12 weeks ago and we tried to have sex after about 8 weeks . I used to give her massages sometimes to help get things in the mood.

This time she wanted me to give her one, so she was laying face down on the bed and I was on top of her rubbing her back , but she hadn’t showered since the morning, I tried to give her a massage but she also still has large hemorrhoids, that along with the fact she smelt slightly was just such a turn off for me I couldn’t do it.

I tried not to tell her why but steer things in a different direction and just kiss face to face . But she kept insisting on a massage, I finally told her that I couldn’t give her a massage cause she smelt.

Then she felt all rejected and is refusing to try and have sex again.

I wouldn’t expect her to give me a massage if I’d worked all day

I’m not really sure what to do?

Women have a lot of hormones and emotions after having a baby and that can continue for a while. For me, I felt so sensitive and cried easily. It’s not rational at all, just chemical. The good news is that it does get better! But for a while, be extra sensitive towards your wife and encourage her a lot. Tell her she is beautiful, how thankful you are for all of the work she did, how amazing it is that she was able to give birth to a child, what a great mom she is. You know she is tired but she is doing great. She needs to hear all of that frequently. Deep down she probably knows that she could have used a shower that day, but I’m sure she still felt embarrassed. I don’t know if she is still upset at this point, but at least tell her that you are sorry and don’t try to preface it or justify with why. Just follow it up with encouragement. I’m not sure if you have had sex yet, but having sex after delivering a baby is really scary the first time or two. When you get to that point, go slow, and reassure her that you will go slow, and that any time if she is uncomfortable you will stop. It meant so much to me that I could trust El Fury with that. Also, I would encourage you to find your wife’s love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving, quality time) and go above and beyond to show her love in that way. I hope this helps! Enjoy this time and your new baby!

Wife “HL” asks about initiating sex:

I have found your site to be refreshing for our marriage. Growing up in a Christian home, sex always seemed “bad”. It was something that was never talked about and complete off limits until marriage.

I think this has definitely shaped how my sex life is today. My husband and I have been married for just about 9 years. Sex has not ever been something that I initiated. We have had long stretches of no intimacy and with three kids under 5- it is still very difficult for me to prioritize intimacy.

I enjoy sex – it’s just the “getting there” that is difficult.

My question is how do I initiate sex now that I haven’t in so long? How do I introduce some of the games that you talk about-without feeling embarrassed? How would I go about purchasing a toy, without it being odd because that hasn’t been me in the past?

I am sure a lot of my issues come form low confidence and self esteem. But where is the best place to begin?

Hope that all makes sense! Thanks for listening and I look forward to your reply.

These are great questions. At one time we had three kids under the age of five, so I can completely understand how you feel! For “getting there” you almost have to take it day by day and be opportunistic if you can. If you feel good in the morning, have sex in the morning. If your husband is home in the afternoon and the kids are napping, have sex then. I tried to be mindful of my urges, and when those occurred we tried to have sex right then.

For the initiation aspect, start with communication. I think you could sit down with your husband and tell him, “I have been thinking about our sex life and want to try some new things. I want to hear your ideas too, but here is what I’m thinking. What do you think about introducing some games? How would you feel if I initiated sex and do you have any ideas about how I could do that? Do you have any thoughts about our sex life and what you would like to add or improve?” I think if you involve him in the planning then it won’t seem so out of the blue. The more you talk about sex the easier it gets to talk about. It can feel awkward at first talking about it, but it’s such an important part of your marriage to communicate about. Maybe start with that and then work up to the toys, etc. When you decide to get a toy, ask him to pick one out with you. Or you could tell him about our blog and ask if he would like to sit down and read it together. The more that you make it about what you do together, the easier it will be. I think that your husband will be thrilled that you are wanting to improve your sex life!

Wife “KO” writes:

Hey SC, Thank you so much for this site! I love that it’s open dialogue about different aspects of sex within Christian marriage. Onto the question!

I’m a happily married woman to an amazing God-fearing man. We’ve been married for a decade and as we age, have kids etc. my husband’s libido has decreased as he’s also a few years older than me.

I’ve found articles on your website in re: men having a higher sex drive but I haven’t been able to find the opposite yet. Is there any you can point me to? I know communication is key, but I’d love to hear some perspective of other women in my situation – the woman having a higher libido, or the woman wanting to try more adventurous things in the bedroom etc and their journey in encouraging their husbands to be receptive?

You are right, we don’t have many posts targeting couples where the wife has a higher libido than the husband. You are also right that communication is important. Sometimes it’s easy to communicate broadly, “I’d like to do more of xyz”, however I think it is more beneficial to try to specifically define your goals with your spouse.

First, each of you pay attention to yourselves over the next week or two or even month. Pay attention to when you feel those drives, and how often. Also to when you are feeling the most sexually satisfied and what led to that? Or the reverse, when are you feeling frustrated, and what let to that? Then, sit down with a calendar. I feel most sexually satisfied when I have around three orgasms a week, give or take depending on where I am in my cycle. El Fury feels best when we have sex every day. When is the best time for the two of you to have sex? For us, we pretty much have sex every morning, which fits El Fury’s needs really well because he can have an orgasm much faster than I can. If I want to have an orgasm we of course do that, but if the kids are pounding on our door we skip the morning and commit to that afternoon or evening when we know we can set aside a longer chunk of time

Second, for adding more adventure, that is something that can sound scary or even like a lot of work to a spouse that isn’t comfortable. Start with once a month. Set aside a night once a month (put it on the calendar) that you are committing to playing a sexy game, or doing a longer foreplay, etc. For me, if it’s on the calendar, I am mentally prepared and am less tempted to trade that time for something more relaxing. See if once a month works for your husband and adjust from there. Be sure to communicate to him that it would mean a lot to you if he was willing to try this, and get feedback on what he is comfortable with and also what he might like to try. I hope that helps and that you two have lots of fun exploring some new things!

Finally, many of the sex games and role-playing ideas we share on this site put the husband in the more active or dominant role — but there’s no reason it needs to be done this way. If you, the wife, are the higher-libido partner then it might work well for you to take the more active/dominant role in a game.

Next, here are two encouraging emails that really touched our hearts.

Husband “ID” writes:

Hey guys – I didn’t necessarily have a question for the both of you, however I wanted to take a minute to share my wife and I’s sincere gratitude to the both of you. Your website has been an amazing resource for us both. I do not believe our love life was suffering but since we have discovered this treasure trove, our intimacy has gone to levels we have never experienced before. Thank you so very much for the courage of your wife and you. This can be a very much a taboo subject in our society and in the Christian culture. It is not always easy to talk about. You both do very well is effectively and creatively passing your knowledge on to others. Thank you again and may God bless you!

Wife “RE” writes:

Hi, my husband and I read and love your blog – only just found your fb page. We don’t post online just for privacy reasons but wanted to thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and encouragement. Because of the content you might not get much feedback so we wanted to give you a huge thank you for doing what you’re doing so that you don’t stop. Sowing into marriages in the area of sexual intimacy is SO important. I regularly speak to Christian women’s group about sexual intimacy and recommend your site if any women ask for more information. We live in Perth, Western Australia and have a really great marriage (20 years) and 5 kids. Love your blog. Thank you both so much. ♥️

Thanks for all the emails! We frequently pray for you, our readers, and we love hearing from you. May God bless your marriage with amazing sex.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: "Another Unfulfilling Love-Making Session" 9

We often get emails from husbands who want advice because they sense that their wives aren’t enjoying sex that much, so we thought it would be particularly worthwhile to share this email from wife “RI”:

Hi there.

The fact that I feel awkward writing this email already may say a thing or two.

I am writing this after having had another unfulfilling love-making session with my husband last night.

I have often thought of seeking help but I have not known where or how and wanted to seek advice from a Christian source.

My husband and I have been married for over one-and-a-half years. We are both each other’s first and only sex partners. My husband engaged in pornography prior to our marriage, but I don’t feel this is affecting our relationship. We have an awesome marriage! But we get stuck when it comes to sex. He seems quite happy with our loving-making sessions but I am often left feeling like it’s been one-sided. I don’t fully know what makes me feel good and when I try to explore I get nowhere. I ask my husband to explore and sometimes he gets it right (and I make sure he knows it) but often he does some casual kissing here and there to try get to the goal of penetration. I do occasionally orgasm but always in the same position during penetration. We have tried other positions but they just hurt for me. He has tried using his hand or fingers but it has never worked. He doesn’t seem to know how to use his hands differently even with thorough communication which often leads to frustration on both our parts. I read about how sex within marriage should be fun and exciting and very stimulating but to be honest I often just try to have it because I know we should but am scared of being disappointed again and feeling like the whole thing is one-sided. I don’t know if the problem lies with me as I feel like I’m really not very sensitive physically and like there’s something wrong with me. I often just catch myself thinking “there must be more” especially if even Christian marriage books speak so highly of how fulfilling sex can be and how great it can feel.

I don’t have a direct question but some guidance would really help even if that guidance is referring me to a Christian counselor or something.

Thank you.

Wow, what an honest and vulnerable letter! Husband, if you’re longing for greater intimacy and frequency with your wife then consider that your wife’s experience might be close to what RI as written.

RI, thanks for your email! Don’t worry about feeling awkward — talking about sex has that effect on people! Be encouraged that sex tends to improve over marriage, and you have many years of exploring ahead of you. El Fury and I are frequently learning new techniques to enjoy. Your sex life is a process of discovery, and your body can even change over time. Something that didn’t get your attention before can suddenly feel amazing.

You should also be encouraged that you’re able to have an orgasm from penetration — 70%+ of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which can be hard to accomplish during penetrative sex. It doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you. I used to have that same thought, and I wasn’t even able to orgasm for a long time. Here are some suggestions for you to try:

  • Communication is really important, especially about sex. The more you talk about sex with your husband the easier it gets. Tell him that you want to figure out how to be more responsive sexually and ask if he would be willing to learn with you. You could tell him about our blog. There might be a few posts to direct him to, like “How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain”, “How To Help Your Wife Orgasm”, “Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants”, and “Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique”. It’s hard to figure out what feels good without exploring, and maybe you both need some fresh ideas!
  • Extended foreplay. If you are having pain during sex it’s often because you aren’t aroused enough, or even aroused at all. Spending time in foreplay is key on this. It can take women 45 minutes or longer to orgasm — for me it’s a good 20-30 minutes. It’s important to have the mindset when you start your session that you’re going to be in it for a while. Sometimes it’s just the same motion for a long time that does the trick. El Fury could be using his fingers and it doesn’t stimulate me, but then he moves them a tiny amount and it feels completely different. So even if he is using the same technique, try moving around until you get the right spot. Then in a few minutes, you might have to move it again. Do foreplay until your body is really aching for penetration, then sex shouldn’t hurt.
  • Introduce a vibrator. I used to be really skeptical of sex toys, but then El Fury asked to use one on me and WOW. Just because you are using some assistance does not mean that sex becomes about the vibrator. Sex is still about the intimacy between you and your husband, and using a vibrator can really increase that intimacy. I can’t orgasm during sex without one. It’s a matter of geography. When we use a vibrator I get to experience that amazing closeness that comes from having an orgasm during sex. If you start using one with your spouse you are likely to have a lot more orgasms during sex, which is part of what makes sex feel so good!
  • Track your monthly cycle. Most women ovulate about two weeks after the first day of their period. Make sure you have sex on that day! One week later is usually PMS, and you might feel really low libido that day, so try not to get frustrated if sex isn’t great then. In addition to this, pay attention to yourself! Is there a certain time of day that you notice yourself feeling aroused? If possible, have sex at that time!
  • Talk about your needs and expectations. Most men need to orgasm more frequently than most women, and I don’t have an orgasm every time we have sex. Both partners should get the sex they need to feel satisfied, and that’s about more than mere frequency! You might not care about frequency as much as your husband, but when you do want an orgasm you should get one.
  • Pray about your sex life. Together! I remember the first time El Fury and I had sex, and right afterwards he prayed out-loud for our sex life. I thought it was so weird at the time, but looking back I’m so thankful he did, and that moment is one of my most meaningful memories.

I know that most of this post is about orgasms, but that is a really important part to having a fulfilling sex life. That is what satisfies you and also fuels your desire for sex the next time.

And since it’s worth repeating, husbands go check out Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants. You’re likely to have more and better sex if your wife is having plenty of orgasms.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Updated Vision and Mission for Married Christian Sex Ministry 10

Sexy Corte and I have updated the Vision and Mission for the Married Christian Sex Ministry, which primarily consists of this blog. This may not be of interest to many readers, but we want to share our thinking and get feedback if you have any ideas!

The Vision describes what we want to be and accomplish. The Mission describes how we will make our vision a reality.

Vision

The Married Christian Sex Ministry will glorify God, edify the institution of marriage, and encourage married couples to nurture and grow their sex life together.

Mission

  • Explain how Biblical concepts can be applied to sex in marriage.
  • Share fun, exciting, and challenging sex ideas for couples to try.
  • Encourage married couples to invest in their sex life to make it the best it can be through honest communication and bold action.
  • Answer questions from readers with Bible-based sex advice, and pray for readers and their marriages.

This blog has received over 3.5 million views since we started exactly six years ago! That’s not huge, but we’re still very excited to see and hear how God is using this ministry to build up marriages. Thank you for being part of it.

Role-Playing: Photographer and Model 11

Photographer-and-Model is a fun role-playing scenario that can help facilitate sexual communication and vulnerability. You can probably figure out the basics yourself: one spouse plays a Photographer, and the other plays a Model who is being photographed. This post is going to assume that the husband is the photographer and the wife is the model, but feel free to switch roles.

(If you haven’t read the how to do sexual role-playing post yet you might want to start there. Don’t worry… it’s normal to feel a little silly and awkward at first!)

Photographer-and-Model is fun for several reasons:

  • Photographer leads, Model follows. It’s the Photographer’s responsibility to lead the session and tell the Model how to act and pose, and it’s the Model’s job to follow direction. Having clearly defined roles can create space for each spouse to exercise his or her creativity without being overrun by the other.
  • Clearly communicated desires. The Photographer has permission within the scene to directly state his desires for the Model. This is a great opportunity for a spouse who has difficulty expressing his desires out of shyness, or for fear of judgement or rejection. The Photographer should be bold and clear, and should have confidence in the Model’s support and obedience.
  • Uninhibited physical exhibition. The Model has the opportunity to flaunt her body at the Photographer’s direction. For a spouse who is shy or reluctant to show off her body, this is a chance to set her inhibitions aside and receive praise and admiration from her spouse for her beauty and grace.

Getting started is easy!

  1. Camera: Will you use a real camera, or just a prop? If you’re using a real camera, make sure you both agree on what will happen to the pictures later — delete, save, print-and-delete, or something else.
  2. Outfits: Pick out some costumes or outfits for the Model to wear during the photo shoot. We assume the Model will be getting naked eventually, but she doesn’t have to start that way.
  3. Location and props: Your bedroom or home is probably the easiest location for a nude photo shoot, but more power to you if you can find another option! Either way, get all your props and sets ready before you get started.
  4. Tone: What’s the tone of the role-playing? Is the Model reluctant to get naked or perform sex acts on camera? Or does she already know this is a nude photo shoot? Is she being paid to perform? Does she need to be talked into it? Or maybe the Model wants to take things farther than the Photographer does!

Here are some things the Photographer can do and say:

  • You’re a brilliant artist and the Model is your canvas.
  • Speak in statements, not questions. Don’t ask the Model to do things — tell her what to do, how to pose, what to wear, and what mood or expression you want from her.
  • Make sure to use a real physical object as a prop camera, even if you aren’t taking real pictures. The prop can make you feel bolder and more official if you’re feeling shy or hesitant, and it can even give you some psychological “protection” when you hide behind it. Don’t underestimate the value of props!
  • Stay fully clothed for most of the role-playing, until it’s time for the Model to perform a sex act on you. Being clothed will create some psychological distance between you and the Model and heighten the sexual tension.
  • “Beautiful”, “perfect”, “lovely”, “magnificent”, “graceful” — praise the Model’s beauty and physical performance. Say these things frequently throughout the shoot, and never be critical or demeaning. The Model is making herself physically and visually vulnerable, so be sure to praise and affirm her.
  • “Stand up”, “sit down”, “kneel”, “lie down” — tell the Model how to position her body.
  • “Look at me”, “look away”, “look over there” — tell the Model how to position her head and face.
  • “Freeze”, “hold still” — have the Model hold still while you take pictures.
  • “Be happy”, “be shy”, “be surprised”, “be embarrassed”, “be excited”, “be sexy” — tell the Model what attitude or expression you want from her.
  • Use your hands on the Model to position her exactly how you want.
  • Tell the Model when to change outfits. (If you want to push her role-playing, tell her to change back and forth and see how obedient she can be without complaining.)
  • “Take off your top”, “take off your bra”, “take off your dress”, “take off your panties” — push the Model towards nakedness, but it doesn’t have to be monotonic. You can have her remove her bra, and then change into a different outfit; or try the same outfit but without a bra on beneath it.
  • “Spread your legs”, “bend over”, “get on all fours”, “arch your back” — put the Model into sexually revealing positions, with or without clothes.
  • “Keep looking at the camera” — if your Model is shy, she may unconsciously look away from the camera when she’s in a sexually revealing position.
  • “Cover yourself with your hands” — have the Model protect her modesty.
  • “Touch yourself”, “stimulate yourself”, “penetrate yourself” — tell the Model to perform sexual acts on her own body, and be as explicit as possible.
  • Take pictures while the Model performs oral sex on you.
  • Take pictures while you penetrate the Model.
  • Take pictures while the Model climaxes.
  • Take pictures of your semen in or on the Model’s body or face.

In this scenario the Model doesn’t really have to say much! Here are some tips for playing her role:

  • Bluntly: Do what you’re told and keep your opinions to yourself. Your spouse, the Photographer, may not know anything about how to do a real photo shoot, and if you give him suggestions or “helpful” criticism it may shut him down completely. Let the Photographer play the brilliant artist! (But speak up if you want to slow down or stop, of course.)
  • If the Photographer asks for help or acts unsure of himself, just tell him “you’re doing great, I’m having fun, and I’m happy to do whatever you tell me”. The Photographer is making himself vulnerable by taking responsibility for the shoot, so be sure to praise and affirm him without undermining his lead.
  • Let go of your inhibitions! No one has a perfect body, but your husband thinks you are beautiful — that’s why he wants to photograph you.
  • Give it your all. Posing, acting, and following directions are harder to do than you might think at first. Don’t ask questions, even to clarify, just do your best to give the Photographer what he wants.

When you can’t stand the sexiness anymore, have sex and finish up. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene, and stay positive. What did you especially enjoy? Was there anything you wouldn’t choose to do again? And check out the role-playing tag for more ideas!

Have you ever role-played Photographer-and-Model, or even taken real sexy picture of your spouse? Leave a comment and share your tips with us.