Sex Q&A: Husband Only Wants Anal 1

Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.

Wife “ZE” write:

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.

I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?

This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?

If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.

Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.

El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.

Wife “DN” writes:

I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]

All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.

We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.

Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.

Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.

El Fury adds: Lots of husbands want to have anal sex, and lots of wives are hesitant or uncomfortable. Here’s an an earlier post about anal sex that goes into more detail: Sex Q&A: “What is your view on anal sex?”. From the emails we receive, many wives are afraid that if they have anal sex once then that’s all their husbands will ever want — and the emails we respond to in this post show that some husbands actually do feel that way! However, if you want to enjoy sexual exploration in your marriage then both spouses need to be both open and practical. There has to be room to try new things, and also a recognition that some activities are only for once-in-a-while.
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!
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Sex Q&A: Wife Touching Herself Has Opened New Doors for Pleasure 2

Husband “TN” writes:

I was recently introduced to your podcast and love what you and your husband are doing. It’s needed in the Christian space and I believe it will really help married couples unlock new desires and pleasures.

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have been pretty good about staying intimate. But over the years and having kids I’ve noticed it gets harder. Our kids want to sleep with us at times and it distracts us from having that alone time.

My wife and I recently had a breakthrough while revisiting our love languages. We did them years back, and we were surprised to see that they had changed a little. Both of us now feel increased desire for physical touch.

We have also been exploring new things in bed. My wife has been experimenting with touching herself, and this as opened new doors of pleasure for us.

We want to keep unlocking new experiences in this area but we’re not sure what to try as far as lubes, vibrator, etc. Anyway I feel weird reaching out, but I want to take our sex to a new level and give my wife orgasms in the way that’s best pleasing to her, so I’m doing my homework.

That’s wonderful you are exploring new things together!

First, let’s talk about lube. Lube has been a wonderful thing in our sex life! If we’re doing oral, we usually do that before using lube so that we don’t have to taste it (you can buy flavored lube, but we don’t). Your saliva should be enough lubricant that you don’t need additional lube. We use lube when El Fury plays with my lady bits with his hand. Sometimes we need a little more before penetration, and sometimes not. If you’re playing with your wife with your hand you can usually tell if more is needed, but don’t be afraid to ask her how she’s feeling.

We typically buy simple generic water-based jelly lube from and it gets the job done for less than $5 per bottle. Water-based lube is cheap and easy to clean up. We even keep some in our vehicles… just in case.

Second: vibrators. Vibrators can vary a lot, and we own a bunch of them. Our go-to favorite is the egg vibrator, but you’ll have to experiment to find out what your wife likes best. Every woman is different, so play around and explore. If your wife as never used one before, start low and slow — and use plenty of lube. Enjoy the exploration together, and discover how the vibrator can be used to increase your intimacy.

El Fury adds: In addition to lube and vibrators, there are probably many ways that you can incorporate your wife touching herself into your sex life. Have her put on a show for you while you touch yourself. As she gets proficient, you can go hands-free in any position.

Leave a comment and tell us how you discovered the wonders of lube and vibrators in your sex life!

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Use a Reversible Stuffy to Indicate Your Sexual Mood 3

There’s obviously no substitute for talking with your spouse about sex, but Sexy Corte and I have found a simple and cute way to communicate without words: a reversible stuffed octopus. Usually the octopus sits on our dresser smiling, but during the down part of Sexy Corte’s cycle she turns the octopus inside-out to let me know that she isn’t feeling receptive to sexual advances. We still talk, of course, but the stuffy helps us baseline.

Sexy Corte wants me to get the octopus a little hat to wear when she’s feeling really horny.

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Favorite Gift of 2022: Sexy Coupon Book 4

My favorite Christmas gift this year was a sexy coupon book from Sexy Corte. The booklet has 27 coupons, including three blanks. One of my goals for 2023 is to use all the coupons before the end of the year!

I used the first coupon last night for a baby oil massage. I’ve never been oiled-up all over my body before, and it was a pretty luxurious feeling. Sexy Corte oiled herself first — which was fun to watch — and then oiled me by rubbing her body all over mine — no hands allowed. When we were both dangerously slippery we had sex and then took a bubble bath together. 10/10 — would recommend.

What makes a coupon book such a great gift?

  • Anticipation. It’s like telling your spouse, “look at all the sexy things I’ve got in store for you!” Every coupon is something fun to look forward to.
  • Potential. The three blank coupons are full of potential! It’s fun just to imagine what I might want to write on there. There are only three coupons, but I can think of 100 things I could write. It’s like I’ve got three wishes from my own sexy genie!
  • Initiative. I love that Sexy Corte took the initiative to give me the coupons, and thereby gave me “permission” to take initiative and use the coupons when I want to. Even without the coupons I could have asked her to do any of these things, but now I feel confident asking for them because she has intentionally given me this power.

You can find dozens of sexy coupon books on Etsy and elsewhere, or you can make your own! If you’re having trouble thinking of ideas, ask your spouse what he or she wants, browse our blog, or use the random sex adventure generator.

(The image for this post is from the SNL skit “Dick in a Box”.)

Have you ever given or received a sexual coupon book? What was your experience with it?

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El Shaddai: God Who Provides, and Women's Breasts 6

God intends for every married couple to experience satisfaction, intoxication, and intimacy in their marriage, and he has created breasts and given them to the wife to help accomplish this purpose.

There are hundreds of names for God in the Bible, and each one reveals a different aspect of his nature. It’s impossible to know for certain what the history and origin of each name is beyond what is revealed to us in the Bible, but this post will discuss one possible etymology for the name El Shaddai that reveals God’s nature as our provider and sustainer using the feminine imagery of breasts. After we lay that foundation, we’ll discuss how this imagery can be applied within your marriage.

El Shaddai is most commonly translated as “God Almighty” — El is a straightforward reference to God, but Shaddai is more hotly debated. One possible origin is the Hebrew word “shad” (שד) which means “breast”. Feminine imagery connected with God is unusual in the Bible, but clearly reasonable given the name’s contextual use in Genesis: five of the six uses of El Shaddai are in relation to fertility and fruitfulness. For example:

24 
But his [Joseph’s] bow remained steady,
    his strong arms stayed limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
    because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,
25 
because of your father’s God, who helps you,
    because of the Almighty [Shaddai], who blesses you
with blessings of the skies above,
    blessings of the deep springs below,
    blessings of the breast [shad] and womb.

Genesis 49:24-25

In verse 25 we see this beautiful poetic repetition where God’s name Shaddai is intentionally used alongside the word shad — God is the one who gives his people the blessings of the breast (and womb, for that matter).

Other uses of El Shaddai in Genesis have similar explicit connections to fertility and fruitfulness.

May God Almighty [El Shaddai] bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples.

Genesis 28:3

And God said to him, “I am God Almighty [El Shaddai]; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you [ḥālāṣ, loins], and kings will be among your descendants.

Genesis 35:11

God created women and femininity to reflect important elements of his nature, and it’s beautiful and useful to understand these attributes of God. (Remember: God is a spirit and neither male nor female; even though he has revealed himself to us primarily through masculine imagery, he is the origin and creator of both the ideal masculine and the ideal feminine.)

Now that we’ve laid this foundation, let’s consider this revelation of God’s nature alongside Proverbs 5, a passage that we’ve written about previously in the post Be Intoxicated Always in Her Love.

18 
May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
    Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

Proverbs 5:18-20

In this passage we can see three ways that a woman’s breasts incarnate aspects of God’s nature. For the purposes of this blog post, let’s focus on physical and sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, while recognizing that there are many other angles that could also be fruitfully explored.

  • Satisfaction. This attribute of breasts is foundational to the imagery: breasts are nourishing, nurturing, and satisfying. They represent God’s provision for a need he has created in us. Every husband should look for satisfaction in his wife’s breasts, and every wife should recognize her breasts as a gift of provision from God — for the benefit of her husband and herself.
  • Intoxication connects back to the imagery of the abundant fountain in verse 18. Every husband should be aroused, fascinated, captivated, and seduced by his wife’s breasts, and every wife should embody God’s delightful, joyful nature through her breasts.
  • Embracing. Breasts are the heart of intimacy: safety, acceptance, comfort, belonging. Every husband should pursue intimacy with his wife through her breasts, and every wife should understand how God has created her breasts to enable loving intimacy with her husband.

Breasts are a physical embodiment of feminine aspects of God’s nature, and we should praise him for his creative provision!

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"I know how you think. You like to summon me." 7

After I wrote the post Write Your Sexual To-Do List On Your Spouse’s Body Sexy Corte recognized something. She said, “I know how you think. You like to summon me.” She’s right.

Since then, we’ve been playing with this idea a bit. The thought of having Sexy Corte at my beck-and-call really turns me on, but she’s a very busy lady and highly conscientious. She doesn’t want to drop what she’s doing to fool around at my whim.

Here are some things that have worked for us. You can obviously reverse all these tips if the wife is summoning the husband. Remember: this is playful and should be enjoyable for both spouses.

  • Discuss in advance. If I’m interested in playing this game during the day I’ll float it with Sexy Corte in the morning. If she’s in a playful and happy mood, then great; if she has a frantic or frustrating day ahead of her, then nope. You can’t read each others’ minds, so you need to communicate.
  • Set clear expectations. “Come down to my office” is pretty vague. Without some context Sexy Corte might come downstairs to review bills or put away groceries rather than to fool around. “Come to my office and show me your boobs” is more direct and clear.
  • Be flexible. It might be fun to playfully summon your wife immediately, but if your wife is highly conscientious then interrupting her while she’s busy will dampen her libido. Try something like, “Come to my office when you’ve completed your current project” or “Come to my office when you have five minutes to fool around” might work better.
  • Be responsive. When the wife receives the message she should acknowledge it and provide an estimated time of arrival. “Yes sir! I’ll be there in 20 minutes” or “I’m sorry sir, I just got called away. Let’s try tomorrow.” (The “sir” makes the game more fun for me, but do whatever works for you!)

Do you ever summon your spouse for sexy fun? What works for you? Leave a comment and share.

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In this episode we discuss the acrostic Sexy Corte created while sexually aroused.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Creating Art While Sexually Aroused: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/creating-art-sexually-aroused/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

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Sexy Chess Rules 8

Our family has been into chess recently, so here are some rules that you and your spouse can use to turn chess into a sexy adult game.

  • You may distract your spouse however you want on his or her turn: visually, vocally, verbally, or physically.
  • When you capture a pawn, your spouse removes a piece of clothing.
  • When you capture a piece other than a pawn, your spouse pleasures you for one minute.
  • When you check your spouse’s king, you may use your spouse however you want for one minute.
  • The winner gets to pick the finishing sex position.

Some additional ideas:

  • Vibrator: It’s not really fair, but I love vibing Sexy Corte while she’s trying to think. (See also: Tie, Tease, Trivia.)
  • Body board: Draw a chess board on your body. Could be a fun surprise for your spouse! Whoever is the board needs to hold really still, and may have trouble playing, but the challenge is part of the fun.
  • Candy pieces: Use some sweets for the pieces and eat them off each other when they’re captured.
  • Bifecta: Have sex while you’re playing. (See: Bifecta: The Beast With Two Tablets.)

Do you have any ideas for sexy chess? Let us know in the comments!

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Write Your Sexual To-Do List On Your Spouse's Body 9

If you want to make sure to remember your sexy plans, write your to-do list on your spouse’s body!

Last week I texted to ask Sexy Corte to come down to my office so we could talk about our to-do list. She came down eagerly, because she’s extremely conscientious and loves organizing. Then I bent her over my desk, pulled down her panties, and wrote “fuck me harder sir!” on her butt. I didn’t tell her what I’d written, and it turned me on like crazy to know that the first thing she did when she went upstairs was to check herself out in a mirror.

Later that night we made sure to get our to-do list done, and seeing my writing on my wife’s skin during doggy-style was an incredible feeling. Sexy Corte repeated back to me what what I’d written, and a very conscientious and fulfilling time was had by all.

Here are some more ideas for using your spouse’s body as a sexy to-do list. Make sure to use non-toxic markers!

  • Checkboxes for foreplay. Draw five empty squares on your wife’s breasts, above your husband’s manhood, or wherever you’re inclined. Throughout the day take time to lick your spouse and check off a box each time you do.
  • Secret messages. Write a secret message on a part of your spouse’s body that your spouse will struggle to find or read. Quiz your spouse later to to make sure he or she figured it out.
  • Achievements. The wife can draw a line on her husband’s manhood to show how far she can take him into her mouth. You could also write check-marks or timestamps on your spouse’s body each time he or she has an orgasm.
  • Timestamps. Whenever you see any of your spouse’s interesting body parts, write down the current time on the part you see.
  • Places. If you have sex in an unusual place, write the time and place on an (in)appropriate part of your spouse.

Do you have any other ideas for using your spouse’s body as a to-do list? Leave a comment and let us know what you think!

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