Sexy Scavenger Hunt 1

Are you looking for a fun gift idea for your spouse? Surprise them with a sexy scavenger hunt! I recently created this for El Fury’s Christmas present, but it can work for birthdays or any other occasion you want to make your spouse feel loved. I will describe what I did, but there are endless variations, so make it your own and tailor it to your spouse’s interests.

The preparation required three steps. First, I ordered a three gifts to make the scavenger hunt an experience — Bailey’s Irish Cream, lingerie, and a book of sexy games. Second, I wrote some riddles whose solutions would direct El Fury around the house looking for these gifts. Third, on the day of the hunt I hid the gifts and the clues around the house while El Fury was distracted. At the last moment before we left for dinner I set the first clue on the counter so he would see it right away when we got home.

The first clue explained the rules and directed El Fury to the first present, the bottle of Bailey’s. He took the hint and we poured ourselves a tasty beverage to enjoy for the rest of the hunt. I made sure to alternate gifts with sexy acts, and the second riddle led El Fury to remove his pants so I could perform oral on him for a few minutes while he sipped his Bailey’s. The third riddle led him to the sexy lingerie, and he enjoyed watching me put it on right away. Make sure that you’re building arousal as your sexy scavenger hunt proceeds! The fourth clue directed us to engage in three minutes of foreplay, which was pretty easy since I was wearing lingerie and he had no pants on. Riddle number five led us upstairs where El Fury (eventually) found the book of sex games. We picked a game to play, made love, and then finished off the scavenger hunt with a special dessert.

El Fury was very excited to go on a sexy scavenger hunt, and felt loved that I had put thought into creating a sexy experience for us. He especially loves when I pre-meditate our intimate times together because he knows that I’m thinking about him in that way. Has anyone else tried a sexy scavenger hunt? Do you have have ideas to add?

Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She wants 2

Husbands, I’ll be very direct: if you wife isn’t having regular orgasms then she isn’t going to love having sex. She might enjoy the intimacy of sex, she might like to give you pleasure, she might do it out of obligation, but she isn’t going to love it.

“How often should we have sex?” There isn’t one right answer, but here’s what we say: each spouse should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. Often that means that the husband will have more orgasms than the wife does, and we think that’s fine as long as the wife has as many orgasms as she wants. In our marriage, I have an orgasm every day and Sexy Corte has an orgasm about twice a week on average. Her orgasm frequency can be pretty bursty though — sometimes she’ll have an orgasm four days in a row and get exhausted, and sometimes she won’t have an orgasm for a week and get really angsty. (It’s hot when she’s angsty).

This formula is pretty simple to follow as long as everything is going smoothly, but from experience and reader emails we’ve noticed two common problems that lead to wives not having all the orgasms they want:

  1. Some wives give up because they feel self-conscious about the effort required.
  2. Some wives give up because their husbands don’t put in the effort required.

When a wife gives up on having the orgasms she wants it’s very easy for her to become disillusioned with sex and resentful towards her husband. It’s a fact of biology and relationships that men tend to orgasm more easily than women, and husbands and wives should both be sensitive to this reality.

Let’s look at problem #1 first: yes, sometimes it’s a lot of work for a woman to reach orgasm, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes it requires a vibrator. Sometimes it requires oral or fingers. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes the kids won’t go to sleep. Sometimes it’s easier to just watch TV.

“Why are male orgasms so easy and female orgasms so hard?!” I don’t know, but get over it! Wife, you don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting an orgasm even if it’s difficult. Some women we’ve heard from didn’t think they could have orgasms at all, but it turned out they only needed a little coaching and openness. It isn’t “noble” or “selfless” for a wife to talk herself out of a satisfying sex life, so don’t make yourself a martyr. Take ownership of your needs, talk with your husband, and be open to trying new things. Get the orgasms you want!

Solving problem #2 starts with a question for husbands: Does your wife know that you’ll do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm? Maybe you’ve given her signs that make her think her orgasms as too much work and she’s pulled back from what she really wants. Maybe you’ve been too quick to accept her hesitation when she does want an orgasm but isn’t sure you’re willing to put in the work. Maybe you haven’t been creative or skillful enough. A wife who is self-conscious or reluctant to speak up for herself might interpret these kinds of behaviors as a lack of desire on your part to give her pleasure. She might think that you think her orgasms are too much trouble.

Husband: be direct and explicit. Tell your wife frequently that you want to pleasure her and you’ll do whatever it takes.

And then enthusiastically do whatever it takes!

As long as what the wife desires involves only the two of you, is consensual, leads to mutual satisfaction, and is done in faith then you should do it. Be proactive. Don’t make your wife nag you. Be a student of her sexuality and put in the effort to become proficient with her body!

For a husband or wife who feels they need a little education, check out this post: All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams).

“If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.” Husbands: if you want to maximize your sex life you need to do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants. Wives: if you aren’t getting the orgasms you really want then you need to speak up and be a little more selfish!

Leave a comment and let us know if you are putting in the effort in your marriage to give you spouse all the orgasms he or she wants.

Ice Cream vs. Sex 3

El Fury and I love ice cream. We try to be disciplined and restrain our urges to a few times a week, and we get very excited when it’s “ice cream night”. Sometimes if we haven’t had sex, I find myself looking forward to eating ice cream more than I look forward to having sex. But then I remind myself: after having sex I typically feel great. After eating ice cream? Maybe not so great. So make sure you have sex, and if there is time afterwards eat some ice cream together! (Or you can try combining ice cream and sex into a bifecta!)

When I Want an Orgasm 4

Desire for a woman ebbs and flows in tune with her cycle. It can be hard enough for a woman to know what sort of “mood” she is in, let alone for her husband to be able to determine if she wants an orgasm or not. Here are some ways that I figure it out:

  1. During ovulation I am ready to go. I know I want an orgasm and I can feel that desire all day long. There is usually not a lot of guess-work on these days. Husbands and wives, pay attention to her cycle so you can capitalize on these days. Plan ahead and reserve time to devote to having sex.
  2. It’s amazing that one week later PMS can hit. Again, not a lot of guess-work: I most definitely do not want an orgasm. Usually I want extra space and minimal touching.
  3. Then there are the times in between. When we start to have sex El Fury often asks me “what are you in the mood for?” and I’m not sure how to answer. Many nights I don’t know how my body is going to respond. We have learned to give it a little time to let my body tell me what I want. If I don’t feel aroused after a little foreplay, we have sex and I don’t have an orgasm. Other times, a few minutes of foreplay can get me turned on and I’ll have a great orgasm. It can take some cuddling, kissing, and touching to get in the mood. If you jump right into sex you may be missing some opportunities.

Pay attention to yourself. It’s helpful to know how often you need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. For me it’s two or three times a week. For El Fury, it’s more frequent. Don’t deny yourself orgasms just because you aren’t immediately aroused and haven’t taken the time to let yourself get in the mood. Our bodies are complicated!

Tonight, don’t be rushed, take some time and make out for a little while!

How to Create Your Sexual Bucket List and Share It With Your Spouse 5

A survey of 2,000 sexually active American adults has revealed the top activities that are on our sexual bucket lists. (It’s a little hard to read, but that’s the best image I could find.)

How to Create Your Sexual Bucket List and Share It With Your Spouse 6

It may not surprise you that the bucket lists for men and women are different, but there are five overlapping wishes! Both men and women say they want to:

It’s surprising to me that three bondage-related activities make the top-10 for women (being tied-up, being handcuffed, and being blindfolded) while zero make the top-10 for men. We’ve written several posts about bondage, and they’re some of our most popular.

Husband: if you want to try bondage but have been embarrassed to bring it up with your wife, these bucket lists indicate that you might be in for a fun surprise!

The only items on these top-10 lists that are off-limits for Christians are threesomes and one night stands.

So, now that you’ve read the results from this survey you’re probably thinking, how can I use this? Here are a few ideas.

  • Show the bucket lists above to your spouse. Talk about what’s on each list, and maybe it will open up a dialog between the two of you that reveals some new activities you’d both enjoy — or at least be willing to try!
  • Create your own bucket lists. You and your spouse can create your own top-10 lists to share with each other. If you need inspiration, check out our “Would You Rather?” sex game — it has dozens of activities you can talk about, accept, or reject. If you’re too shy for that, you can use an online sex questionnaire that hides any mismatched ideas from your spouse to avoid embarrassment.
  • Roll the dice. After you’ve made your bucket lists, put the the items in a hat or roll dice to randomly select an activity to do together. Add the items to your sexy jenga list!
  • Check things off. If you’re like us, the best thing about a list is getting to check things off. If you do one bucket list item each week you’ll be amazed at how fast you’re trying new things.
  • Talk about it afterwards. After you check off one of your items, talk about it together. Did you enjoy it? Would you do it again? How could it be more fun next time? Maybe it’s a once-a-month activity, or only for special occasions, or maybe you want to do it again right away!

What’s on your sexual bucket list? Inspire the rest of us by leaving your ideas in the comments.

Improve Your Sex Life By Tracking Your Monthly Cycle 7

Several years ago I started experiencing some sexual frustration. El Fury and I had a few kids and life was getting more complicated. I felt like there were frequent times I would be in the mood, but the stars would not align properly and the sex would be more hurried than I’d like. Or by the time we got to the end of the day I would be so worn out I wouldn’t be in the mood enough to want to put forth the energy it takes to have an orgasm. Then a few days would pass and we would have time, but I wouldn’t be in the mood anymore. Over time this could make me feel frustrated and annoyed. I decided to start tracking my cycle.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows in tune to a woman’s menstrual cycle. If you pay attention, you can figure out your peak times. Ovulation happens about mid-way through a woman’s cycle. This is when a woman is at peak fertility, so your body’s natural desire to procreate makes you experience heightened sexual desire. Take advantage of this! Make space for it in your calendar. The first day of my period I create a calendar event for two weeks ahead so that El Fury and I know that we have plans that evening. We try our best to guard that time. It’s usually a good time to try something new and to have extended sexual playtime. Cycles can differ between women, so if you’re having a hard time figuring it out pay attention to your body. To put it bluntly, you’re probably ovulating when you’re feeling horny about a week after your period.

Most of the ovulation info on the internet is for couples trying to get pregnant, but ovulation is a great time for sex even if you aren’t trying for a baby.

Unfortunately there is the other side of the cycle. PMS typically hits one or two weeks before the start of a woman’s period. For me it is one week after ovulation. Just like with my ovulation reminder, the first day of my period I go ahead and put a PMS reminder in our shared calendar (I label as “P.lease M.ake me S.mile” so that it’s a little discreet). Before I started tracking it, PMS would often catch me off guard and I would spend a few days wondering why I was so sad before I realized why. During this part of my cycle I typically do not want to be touched, and El Fury knows to give me some space. It has been helpful to both of us to know what to expect at this time of the cycle. Just knowing it’s coming gives me emotional comfort because I know that there’s a chemical reason why I’m crabby, and that I will feel better soon.

If you don’t already track your cycle, I recommend it! Tracking it and planning for it in advance has been very beneficial to me and our sex life. You can be intentional and have fun during the upswings, and brace yourself emotionally for the downswings. Does anyone else track their cycle?

Secret Engravings Gift Idea 8

Rings with engraving on the inner face can be bought online for under $15, so why not create one for your spouse with a sexy secret inside? No one in public will know what’s written there, so you can be as dirty as you want. Here are a few ways you can use your secret message ring:

  • As a signal. A ring that says “I need you inside me”, “I’m going to devour you”,  or “I’m gonna rock your world” sends a pretty clear message about what’s going to happen that evening. Put it on your spouse to set the mood for the day.
  • As a reminder. Did you know that semen can live inside a woman’s body for a few days? Give her a ring that says “I’m still inside you” that she’s only allowed to wear for two days after you’ve had sex.
  • As a secret message. The rings are so cheap that you can buy several outwardly identical ones with different messages. Put one on your spouse in the morning and tell them not to read the inside until they get to work. Create rings for your favorite positions, locations, or sexual activities. Or wear it yourself to signal that sex is on the way, while leaving your spouse in suspense about what exactly is planned.

Carrying a sexy secret in public between you and your spouse is a lot of fun, and we’ve written a few other posts on the topic:

Leave a comment to tell us what you think!

How to Use Classical Conditioning to Enhance Your Sex Life 9

We’ve written a little about classical conditioning before (When My Wife Puts Her Hair Up, Husband’s Hands When Wife Is On Top) and readers have asked for a bit more detail, so here it goes. First, what is classical conditioning?

Classical conditioning (also known as Pavlovian or respondent conditioning) refers to a learning procedure in which a biologically potent stimulus (e.g. food) is paired with a previously neutral stimulus (e.g. a bell). It also refers to the learning process that results from this pairing, through which the neutral stimulus comes to elicit a response (e.g. salivation) that is usually similar to the one elicited by the potent stimulus.

For our purposes, we’re going to talk about how to train yourself and your spouse by pairing a sexual biologically potent stimulus with a neutral stimulus so that we can elicit sexual arousal by activating the neutral stimulus. A concrete example, from the link above:

Sexy Corte has Pavlov’ed me to get turned on whenever I see her put her hair up. When we’re getting into sexy time, especially Old Faithful, pulling her hair up is usually the final bit of preparation. No matter if we’re alone or in public it really gets me going, especially when she catches my eye in the process. It isn’t just seeing her hair up that does it, it’s seeing her in the act of putting her hair up that turns me on.

When her hair goes up, she goes down — the two events are linked in my brain so that I get turned on merely by watching her put up her hair. I know we’re not the only couple with this conditioning, because there’s an internet meme about it.

How to Use Classical Conditioning to Enhance Your Sex Life 10

So what exactly is classical conditioning? Here’s some terminology to get started:

  • Unconditioned stimulus: Pavlov called the biological stimulus — the one that doesn’t need to be trained — the unconditioned stimulus. This is the stimulus that naturally, biologically, leads to the response you’re trying to elicit. For example, kissing, genital stimulation, and dirty talk naturally lead to arousal (the unconditioned response) because of human biology. These stimuli don’t need to be conditioned to get the right response, they just work.
  • Unconditioned response: The unconditioned response is an unlearned, biological, reflexive response to the unconditioned stimulus. This is the natural response to the unconditioned stimulus that you’re going to train yourself to pair with a neutral stimulus. For example, when your spouse kisses you (unconditioned stimulus) you get aroused (unconditioned response).
  • Conditioned stimulus: This is what you’re working to create! The conditioned stimulus isn’t naturally (biologically) paired with your desired response. This is a neutral stimulus that you want to link to the desired response by using classical conditioning. For our purposes, just about anything non-sexual can be a conditioned stimulus:  non-sexual touch, non-sexual speech, non-sexual clothing, a sound, a look, etc.
  • Conditioned response: The conditioned response is a replica of the unconditioned response, but excited by the conditioned stimulus.

The goal of classical conditioning is to pair the conditioned stimulus with the unconditioned response, so that when the subject experiences the conditioned stimulus he or she will reflexively exhibit a conditioned response that replicates the unconditioned response. For example:

  • Unconditioned stimulus: Sexy Corte (puts her hair in a ponytail and) performs oral sex on me. (The italic part is the conditioned stimulus embedded in the unconditioned stimulus for training purposes.)
  • Unconditioned response: I get an erection.
  • Conditioned stimulus: Sexy Corte puts her hair in a ponytail.
  • Conditioned response: I get an erection.

Classical conditioning is amazing for several reasons:

  • Classical conditioning works even if you know it’s being done to you. Classical conditioning doesn’t need to be done secretly or through trickery. You and your spouse can talk about conditioning each other and then make it happen. There’s some evidence that it works better if you know you’re being conditioned.
  • Classical conditioning works on everyone. Whether you have a high or low sex drive, varying love languages, or difficulty talking about sex, you can train yourselves with classical conditioning. You don’t have to believe in it for it to work. It’s biological, and it works on everyone.
  • You can condition yourself. By triggering unconditioned responses in yourself you can modify your own behavior — for example, to cultivate a taste for coffee, vegetables, or that sex act your spouse is always asking for.

(Note: operant conditioning is a bit different — it’s about training a subject by rewarding or punishing voluntary behavior, whereas classical conditioning is about linking biological involuntary responses to neutral stimuli.)

Let’s get to it: how can you condition yourself and your spouse to enhance your sexual experience?

  1. Pick an unconditioned response you want to trigger and the unconditioned stimulus that naturally elicits it. For discussion purposes here, we’re going to assume that you want to trigger sexual arousal. The unconditioned stimulus is anything that naturally leads to the desired unconditioned response — so anything sexual that naturally creates sexual arousal.
  2. Pick a conditioned stimulus you want to link to that unconditioned response. For Sexy Corte, I use a light touch on the upper-middle of her back as the conditioned stimulus. This stimulus isn’t sexual on its own, but I want it to arouse her (unconditioned response).
  3. Condition acquisition: Execute the conditioning by performing the unconditioned stimulus at the same time as the conditioned stimulus. It doesn’t matter too much which you do first, but you want to do them as close to the same time as possible. For Sexy Corte, I rub her upper back in a circular motion when she has an orgasm. All the sexual stimulation is the unconditioned stimulus, and the orgasm is the unconditioned response; by performing the conditioned stimulus (back rub) at the same time, I create a linkage between the conditioned stimulus and the unconditioned response (arousal and orgasm). The more frequently you execute the acquisition behavior, the stronger the conditioning will be.
  4. Conditioned stimulation: After the subject has acquired the conditioning, you can trigger the conditioned response by performing the conditioned stimulus. For Sexy Corte, she gets aroused and starts to purr when I rub her upper back, often without her even noticing. In addition, when she is close to orgasm I can often push her over the edge by rubbing a small circle on her upper back.
  5. Condition extinction: When the conditioned stimulus is used to excite the (un)conditioned response in the absence of the unconditioned stimulus the conditioning will eventually degrade and become extinct — the link between the conditioned stimulus and the unconditioned response breaks down. For Sexy Corte, if I rubbed her back all the time without direct sexual stimulation, eventually the conditioning would break and it wouldn’t turn her on anymore. This extinction process means that it’s important to repeat the acquisition behavior of the conditioning frequently, to keep the conditioned stimulus tightly linked to the unconditioned response. However, even when conditioning becomes extinct it is generally easy to reacquire or renew it simply by repeating the acquisition behavior again.

Here are some examples of unconditioned stimuli you could easily link to sex. Simply use one of these consistently before or during your sexual encounter, and your spouse will get aroused when you exhibit it again. They key is that while training you should only the selected stimulus when you’re going to quickly initiate sex — once the conditioning takes hold you can space things out a little more, but keep an eye out for signs of extinction. If you use the stimulus and then don’t follow through you will frustrate and upset your spouse, so don’t do that, it’s mean.

  • Sight: Wearing certain piece of jewelry; wearing no panties; putting your hair up in a ponytail; a special wink; bending over a certain way
  • Sound: A bell (that’s what Pavlov used!); a few special code words; a certain song or playlist; a growl or purr; a command (“go get in bed and take off your clothes”); a request (“please sir”)
  • Smell: A certain perfume or soap; incense you burn during sex
  • Taste: Have your spouse lick your neck or finger; a certain candy
  • Touch: A certain touch and movement on a certain part of the body; picking her up; grabbing her hips; wiggling on his lap

So what are some things you can do with your conditioned spouse?

  • Conditioned arousal. As described in the examples above, you can condition yourself or your spouse to become sexually aroused by non-sexual stimuli — a ponytail, a touch on the back, etc. However, conditioned arousal can be especially useful if you or your spouse struggle with being attracted to each other in general! We get lots of email from people who want to be more attracted to their spouse than they are, and we often suggest that they condition themselves to be aroused by their spouse. How? Link sexual stimulation and arousal to the presence and touch of your spouse. If you don’t allow yourself any sexual stimulation without your spouse’s participation your body and mind will quickly learn just how attractive your spouse is!
  • Conditioned enjoyment. Condition yourself to enjoy something your spouse likes, but maybe isn’t your favorite activity. For example, provide sexual stimulation to the spouse who is performing oral sex in order to link giving oral sex with pleasure for yourself.
  • Turn each other on in public. Neutral stimuli can be used in public to turn your spouse on without anyone else knowing.
  • Pre-foreplay. Use your conditioned stimulus to begin turning on your spouse long before sexy time begins.
  • Conditioned orgasm. You can link a stimulus specifically to orgasm and train your spouse to climax with it — e.g., a touch, a few words (“come for me”), or a spank on the butt.

Whew, that was a long post! I hope it makes sense. Please leave a comment if you need some clarification, or to share your own experiences with classical conditioning!

How to Get Your Wife to Lust for You 11

The “husbands” tag will lead you to several posts intended to help husbands be more attractive to their wives, including topics like clothes, muscles, hygiene, and improving her orgasms. Today I’m going to share a list of 19 ways for a man to be more attractive — according to science! I’m not going to talk about each one, because some of them are dumb or don’t apply in a marriage. Here it goes…

We’ve written about your wife’s indicators of interest before. A wife usually expresses her interest in sex more subtly than her husband, so don’t miss the cues!

“First the woman smiles at her admirer and lifts her eyebrows in a swift, jerky motion as she opens her eyes wide to gaze at him. Then she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, and looks away. Frequently she also covers her face with her hands, giggling nervously as she retreats behind her palms.”

Grow a beard, it will make you look more dominant and aggressive.

In a 2013 study from researchers at the University of New South Wales, researchers had 177 heterosexual men and 351 heterosexual women look at images of 10 men in one of four conditions: clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, or full beard. Participants rated the men pictured on several traits, including attractiveness.

That women said the most attractive beard length was heavy stubble.

“Facial hair correlates not only with maturity and masculinity, but also with dominance and aggression,” write authors Barnaby J. Dixson and Robert C. Brooks.

“An intermediate level of beardedness is most attractive,” they add.

Build some muscle. Here the phrase “short-term relationships” basically means that the woman wants to bang.

In a 2007 study from University of California, Los Angeles, 286 women looked at pictures of shirtless men and indicated which ones seemed like they would make the best long- and short-term partners.

Results showed that women were more likely to want short-term relationships with the guys who had big muscles.

Wear strong colors, like red.

A 2010 cross-cultural study — with participants from China, England, Germany, and the US — found that women are most attracted to men wearing red.

In one experiment from the study, 55 female undergrads looked at a color photo of a man in either a red or green shirt, and then rated the man’s attractiveness.

Sure enough, the man was rated significantly more attractive when he was wearing a red shirt. The results were similar when researchers compared the red shirt to other color shirts as well.

Interestingly, participants generally weren’t aware that the man’s clothing color was influencing their perceptions of his attractiveness.

Be funny.

Multiple studies indicate that women are more attracted to men who can make them laugh. Interestingly though, men generally aren’t more attracted to women who can make them laugh.

Take “hunter-gatherer” risks.

A 2014 study led by researchers at the University of Alaska at Anchorage found that women are attracted to men who take what the researchers call “hunter-gatherer risks.”

More than 230 undergrads filled out questionnaires about how attractive they would find a partner who engaged in certain risky behaviors, as opposed to a partner who engaged in low- or no-risk behaviors.

Hunter-gatherer risks included mountain biking, deep-sea scuba diving, and extreme rollerblading. “Modern” risks included plagiarizing an academic paper, casually handling chemicals in a lab, and not updating the virus-protection software on your computer.

Low- and no-risk behaviors included biking along paved paths and carefully handling chemicals in a chemistry-lab class.

Results showed that women said they would be more attracted to men who engaged in hunter-gatherer risks — the kinds that were similar to risks faced by ancestral humans. Women said they would be less attracted to men who engaged in modern risks, which might seem just plain dumb.

Eat garlic!

In one study, eight men ate a slice of bread with cheese and 12 grams of fresh garlic; another eight ate bread and cheese without any garlic. For the next 12 hours, the men wore cotton pads under their armpits and were instructed not to use any deodorants or fragrances.

The following day, all the men returned to the lab, where 40 women sniffed the pads and rated the odor on pleasantness, attractiveness, masculinity, and intensity. Results showed that the garlic group was rated more pleasant and attractive and less masculine and intense.

And finally, looking proud is better than looking happy.

In one experiment included in the study, researchers had nearly 900 North American adults look at photos of opposite-sex individuals online.

The researchers were specifically comparing people’s perceptions of expressions of pride, happiness, shame, and neutrality (other people had already identified the emotion behind the expression in the photo). For women evaluating men, the most appealing expression was pride, and the least appealing was happiness.

It’s important to note that the features and behaviors listed above generally do not make a woman more attractive to a man. We’re very different creatures.

Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality 12

Are you ever confused by your own sexual arousal? By what turns you on and when? Or… maybe you’re confused by your spouse. Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex? Why is he always so turned on? The “he” and “she” there are stereotypical — sometimes it goes the other way — but scientists have identified two different pathways to arousal that map onto these common perceptions. The two polarities are called “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire”, and they lead to very different behavior that can confuse you and your spouse if you don’t recognize what’s happening.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous. The recipient of these behaviors may ask themselves things like:

  • “Why is he touching me now?”
  • Why does he want to do that?
  • “Why is he so persistent?”
  • “Again?”
  • “Does he think about anything besides sex?”

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex. Without understanding this process, a husband may think things like:

  • “Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex?”
  • “I’ll wait for her to initiate this time.”
  • “Why do I have to try so hard to turn her on?”
  • “Isn’t she attracted to me? Doesn’t she want me?”
  • “Why doesn’t she suggest something new?”

Of course, there are no absolutes in life. Some men are more responsive, and some women are more spontaneous. What’s more, a person’s desire polarity may vary over time — especially for women, as their hormones change throughout their menstrual cycles.

Now that you know about spontaneous and responsive desire, what action can you take?

If you and your spouse are both spontaneous… well, you’re probably having sex all the time. Congrats!

If you are spontaneous and your spouse is responsive:

  • Don’t judge your responsive spouse for not being spontaneous.
  • Learn how to elicit sexual response from your spouse and recognize when she is getting turned on.
  • Be enthusiastic and persistent with initiation; don’t get frustrated that you initiate most of the time.

If you are responsive and your spouse is spontaneous:

  • Don’t judge your spontaneous spouse for not being responsive.
  • When your spontaneous spouse initiates sex, don’t immediately see it as an annoyance or distraction! Give your mind a body a chance to respond.
  • Learn to recognize your own arousal when your mind and body respond to your spouse’s initiation. It may not be obvious.

If you and your spouse are both responsive, you’re going to need to be extra intentional. Try one of our sex games or the random foreplay generator to initiate sex when you’ve got time, even if neither of you is particularly in the mood. Once you get started, you can both respond to the heat generated by the game!

Do you have any experiences to share? Any advice? Leave a comment!