Lingerie Fashion Show and Role-Playing 1

We’ve had house-guests for several days and my wife Sexy Corte has been working hard to host them; I took them to the airport very early this morning, and Sexy Corte told me that if I could do it without waking her up she’d do something “special” for me — how could I refuse an offer like that? Thusly motivated, I got our guests to the airport, sent a kid off to school, and then slipped back into bed to cuddle Sexy Corte like a ninja.

So here’s what I’m planning for our special event: a lingerie fashion show! Here are some ideas for how you can do this yourselves. The role-playing elements are optional!

This activity will require some preparation:

  • Pick a time that the wife is feeling sexy and confident with her body. This probably isn’t the best activity for right after a big meal or when recovering from an illness. You can track her cycle and plan for an evening when she’s near ovulation and likely to be at peak arousal.
  • The wife should select three to five outfits to try on. These can be lingerie, or anything she feels sexy in. The husband can pick some clothes for her also if he’s confident in what she’ll like! The husband should lay out the clothing before the activity begins so it’s ready to use.
  • The husband should wear something the wife likes him in, which for us means I’ll wear a suit or sports coat.
  • Prepare the space with low light, thumpy music, and a chair for the husband.
  • Gather whatever lube, vibrators, washcloths, and other toys you’ll need.

Scenario:

  • The wife is a lingerie Model.
  • The husband is a fashion show Director, photographer, lingerie purchaser, or some other role that leads him to direct the attire and behavior of the model.
  • The core activity of the scenario is the Model trying on various outfits while the Director watches and directs her.
  • The Director and Model can tease and stimulate each other during the show, and have sex when they just hold off any longer!

Here are some things the Model can do or say:

  • The Model’s attitude can be played in many different ways depending on your inclination. You can be shy, confident, desperate for work, eager to make a sale, chaste, or less-then-chaste.
  • Even if you’re playing shy, the Model should show off her body for the Director. You’re trying to get the job or make the sale, so you should proactively display yourself and your lingerie. Invite him to “try out” the lingerie while you’re wearing it by touching your body and teasing you.
  • Take your time getting dressed and undressed. You’ll be changing clothes several times, so have fun with it.
  • “What do you want me to try on first?”
  • “Can you help me take this off?” / “Can you help me put this on?”
  • “Do you like how I look from behind?” / “from the front?”
  • “How do you want me to stand?” / “Do you want me to kneel down?” / “Do you want me to bend over?”
  • “Do you want a closer look?”
  • Let go of your inhibitions! No one has a perfect body, but your husband thinks you’re beautiful — that’s why he wants you to model lingerie for him!

Here are some things the Director can do or say:

  • The Director’s attitude should be confident. Know what you want. Are you evaluating the Model before offering a job, or considering which lingerie to buy, or something else? Be goal-oriented and direct the Model in a way that helps you make your decision.
  • Stay fully clothed for most of the scenario, until it’s necessary for you to remove something “for testing purposes”. For example, you may need to remove your pants in order to test how accessible the Model’s body is in the lingerie.
  • “Beautiful”, “perfect”, “lovely”, “magnificent”, “graceful” — praise the Model’s beauty and physical performance. Say these things frequently throughout the show, and never be critical or demeaning. The Model is making herself physically and visually vulnerable, so be sure to praise and affirm her.
  • “Stand up”, “sit down”, “kneel”, “lie down” — tell the Model how to position her body.
  • Use your hands on the Model to position her exactly how you want. Explore her body while you’re “evaluating” each outfit.
  • Tell the Model when to change clothes.
  • “Spread your legs”, “bend over”, “get on all fours”, “arch your back” — put the Model into sexually revealing positions, with or without clothes. You’ve got to get a good look at this lingerie from every angle!

When you can’t stand the sexiness anymore, have sex! Talk about your favorite parts of the activity, and stay positive. What did you especially enjoy? Was there anything you wouldn’t choose to do again?

If you like this idea, here are a few related posts that you might enjoy:

Leave a comment and let us know how you make the most of your lingerie!

If you liked this, please share it!

Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation 2

“The Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time–for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.” — C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

It’s hard to be in the present. We spend most of our time worrying about the future or re-living the past, but the present is hard to grasp. We’ve written before about the importance of making time and energy for sex, but do you ever get distracted when you’re actually doing it? Are you able to be wholly present in the experience with your spouse?

If you’d like to be more present and mindful during sex then you might want to try orgasmic meditation (or “OM”). This post will focus on wives and their orgasms, like most research into OM, but there’s no reason that similar techniques can’t be applied to husbands also.

To get started, you may want to check out this 15-minute TEDx presentation by Nicole Daedone. Her tagline for a woman who feels empty or disconnected from her husband is: “try orgasm”. Take a few minutes to watch it with your spouse.

(It’s worth noting that OneTaste, Daedone’s company, doesn’t have a great reputation. For this post we’re going to discuss the practice of OM, and hope that none of our readers are foolish enough to join a sex cult or pay anyone for sexual services.)

So what is orgasmic meditation? The practice is physically very simple.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

The stroking is meant to happen in an incredibly specific way — on the upper-left quadrant of the clitoris in an up-and-down motion, no firmer than you would stroke an eyelid.

[Anjuli Ayer, CEO of Institute of OM] also considers OM a goal-less practice. “The intention is not to serve as foreplay or to get the participants to orgasm.” That’s right, while the practice has orgasm in the name, orgasming isn’t the goal. Rather, it’s to bring your attention to the present moment and experience pleasure.

The Institute of OM charges almost $200 for a single class, but Christian wives have a more affordable alternative: their husband. Here are the basic steps:

  1. Prepare your space. OM requires 15 minutes with no interruptions, so lock your door and tell the kids not to bother you. Your bed is a great place for OM, but you could use a couch or other comfortable place. You should also get some lube and a minute timer.
  2. Prepare yourselves. The wife should take off her clothes, lie down, and spread her legs with her knees up and her feet down. The husband is recommended to position himself in a very specific way: he should sit on his wife’s right side, with his left leg over her tummy and his right leg under her knees. This position should prop the wife’s knees up and give the husband easy access to her clitoris. Finally, both spouses should commit themselves to the experience and to each other for the duration of the meditation, and focus on the experience at hand (ahem). Pray for intimacy and pleasure.
  3. Begin stroking. Set the timer for 13 minutes and start it. The husband should put lube on his fingers, specifically on his right thumb and left index finger. Next, the husband should insert his right thumb slightly into the wife’s vagina. Then the husband should use his left index finger to begin gently stroking the upper-left of the wife’s clitoris, pulling back the clitoral hood if necessary. The stroke should be light and slow, and approximately half-an-inch in length. (Related: zoom technique and how to rub a clitoris.)
  4. Guide your husband. The wife should tell her husband if she wants him to change his stroking pattern: faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. Despite the name, orgasmic meditation doesn’t have the goal of orgasm. Like Ayer said in the quote above, the purpose of OM is to help you focus on the present and on intimacy with your spouse. If the wife wants to have an orgasm during OM then go for it, but wives, don’t decline OM just because you don’t want an orgasm. Does that make sense?
  5. Grounding. When the timer goes off (after 13 minutes) you should take some time to ground yourselves before separating or continuing on to sex. The husband should change his stroking pattern to a downward motion for a minute or so, and then use both hands embrace his wife’s vulva. This “hug” should continue until the wife releases and deep breath and is ready to be done. Pray and thank God for the intimacy and pleasure you just experienced together.

It’s important to note that OM isn’t intended to be foreplay. You can certainly have sex afterwards if you want to, but the purpose of OM is to promote awareness and intimacy.

In order to reverse this experience and focus on the husband, use the same basic instructions as above but substitute his frenulum for the wife’s clitoris. The wife can use a lubed finger or her tongue to stimulate her husband’s frenulum, or even take the head of his penis into her mouth. The key is the soft repetitive motion, so the approach is going to be very different than a hand job or a blowjob.

If you’re up for an intimacy challenge, consider performing OM together every day for a week, or even a month. At 15 minutes per session, you and your spouse can both OM in the same amount of time it takes to watch a TV show!

Have you ever tried OM before, or anything like it? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

If you liked this, please share it!

Creating Art While Sexually Aroused 3

Sexy Corte is planning a podcast episode about sex and art, and as we were discussing it I came up with the idea for the project behind this post: what’s it like to create art while sexually aroused? We’re pretty pleased with how it turned out, and there are many ways to take the idea farther than we did this time.

The project behind this post is pretty simple: Sexy Corte created an acrostic of marital sex advice while I stimulated her with a vibrator and zoom technique. I didn’t tell her what we’d be doing until we started, so she came up with everything below while sexually aroused.

I don’t know if acrostics are “art”, but the process of creating this list was definitely performance art and extremely erotic. I think that the prompt and structure of the acrostic was critical for making this project work — if I had given Sexy Corte a completely blank slate she would not have been able to create anything substantial under the circumstances. As it was, she struggled to focus on the task at hand.

Here are a few others ideas for artwork you could create while being sexually aroused by your spouse. You might want to consider using non-sexual themes so that the resulting artwork can be displayed in public areas of your home!

  • Painting or drawing: prompt the artist with a scene or situation to create, or have the artist copy an existing work.
  • Lettering or calligraphy: have the artist copy a poem or Bible verse with an elaborate style.
  • Poetry: give the artist a prompt for writing a short poem.
  • Music: prompt the artist to compose a short piece of music.
  • Lego or other model: have the artist assemble a model.
  • Singing or reading: if you’re brave, record audio of the artist reciting a poem or passage from a book, singing a song, or playing music.

If you’re feeling ambitious you can even take on a larger project that can’t be completed in a single session — and the artist is only allowed to work on the piece while being sexually stimulated by the spouse!

Have you ever created any art while sexually stimulated? Do you have ideas for more art projects? Leave us a comment below!

If you liked this, please share it!

Madonna's "Into the Groove" 4

Our youngest daughter found a Madonna CD somewhere and has been playing “Into the Groove” non-stop. These lyrics haven’t changed since the first time our ancient ancestors banged two rocks together and danced around a fire.

Live out your fantasy here with me
Just let the music set you free
Touch my body, and move in time
Now I know you’re mine

These are the human ur-lyrics, if you will.

ur- : a combining form meaning “earliest, original,” used in words denoting the primal stage of a historical or cultural entity or phenomenon: ur-civilization; urtext.

The emotion, sentiment, desire, longing, and invitation behind these words are the reason why humans invented music. This music propagates the species.

The only music that can surpass this power is the hymn of glory that is eternally lifted to God in his heavenly throne room. This raw and deep embedding into the human condition is why Song of Solomon is written so sexually — not because God is sexual, but because human sexuality is one of the most primal forces that God has created in us.

If you liked this, please share it!

Role-Playing: Cupid and Psyche 5

If you enjoyed Role-Playing: Diana and Orion then you might like this scenario from reader SLS based on the myth of Cupid and Psyche. (Edited slightly.)

The myth of Cupid (or Eros) and Psyche can also be adapted for sexual role-playing. Here is a very simplified and somewhat modified version of the myth.

Costumes: Cupid will need a bow-and-arrow at the beginning of Scene 1 (or a nerf gun like y’all did). Psyche will need a blindfold and something to represent the “hot oil” spilled on Cupid in Scene 3 (coconut oil maybe?). Psyche will also need some lingerie or a short skirt (see Scenes 4, 5, and 6).

Characters: The husband plays Cupid and the West Wind; the wife plays Psyche.

Setting: Scene 1 occurs outside the bedroom. Scenes 4 and 5 can be acted out by walking from the bedroom (or whatever room works best as Mt. Olympus) to the closet and then back again. Remaining scenes occur in the bedroom.

Scene 1: Cupid and Psyche. Venus is offended by the beauty of the mortal woman Psyche, and commissions her son Cupid to work her revenge. Cupid is sent to shoot Psyche with an arrow so that she may fall in love with something hideous. He instead scratches himself with his own dart, which makes him fall deeply in love with Psyche and disobey his mother’s order.

Psyche has yet to find love and Cupid has the West Wind ferry her to his chambers. Cupid is afraid though that if she knows he is Cupid, the son of Venus, it will ruin things. He therefore has her wear a blindfold as he seduces her and proposes marriage.

Scene 2: Love begins. Psyche accepts Cupid’s proposal and he leads the blindfolded Psyche to the bedroom to consummate their union. Overcome with love for her he can think of nothing else but pleasuring her with his hands and mouth. After a time, she is overcome with pleasure and climaxes. After the intense focus on pleasuring Psyche, a tired Cupid snuggles with his lover and falls asleep.

Scene 3: Love Interrupted. After her climax intense curiosity overcomes Psyche about the identity of her new husband. She removes her blindfold to discover it is Cupid! In her surprise she spills hot oil from the lamp and wakes him. He flees as he is hurt and feels she has rejected him. She pursues but cannot catch him.

Scene 4: The Underworld. Desperate to find her love Psyche seeks out Venus on Mt. Olympus (a.k.a. the bedroom), who is hiding Cupid from her as he recovers from his injury. Venus forces Psyche to complete a monumental task. She is to take a box and obtain in it a dose of the beauty of Proserpina (Persephone), queen of the underworld (a.k.a. the closet).

She journeys to the underworld and the queen seemingly grants her request, sending her back with the box of beauty as well as cladding her in the finest raiment (a.k.a. lingerie).

However, when she returns and opens the box she finds that it is full of lies designed to make her doubt her own beauty and the desire of her lover for her. The onslaught causes her to faint.

Scene 5: The Reunion. Cupid rebukes his mother as he emerges from his convalescence to discover Psyche’s limp body before him. He opens Psyche’s mouth and gives her a few drops of ambrosia to wake her and grant her immortality. (That is, Cupid wakes her with his penis and pre-ejaculate.) He declares his love for her openly in front of the other gods and celebrations begin.

Scene 6: Finale. After their wedding feast in Olympus the two lovers head to Cupid’s bedroom. They stand before a large mirror as Cupid uses his hands to arouses his bride while whispering sweet nothings into her ear. He tells her to never again doubt her own beauty or the effect she has on him.

To prove his words he has her bend over in front of the mirror and pulls up her skirt (as she is so alluring he cannot wait till she is naked). As she watches via the mirror he enters her and passionately rides her until he climaxes.

The End.

We think this stuff is geeky and super-fun. Please share your ideas in the comments!

If you liked this, please share it!

Role-Playing: Diana and Orion 6

This is pretty geeky, but here are some ideas for performing a sexual re-enactment of the myth of Diana and Orion. (Diana is also called Artemis and Selene.) There’s no definitive form of the myth, so feel free to improvise.

(If you haven’t read the how to do sexual role-playing post yet you might want to start there. Don’t worry… it’s normal to feel a little silly and awkward at first!)

Why it’s fun:

Costumes: Diana needs a crown and a bow-and-arrow — we used a nerf gun. Orion needs a belt and sword. We were otherwise naked, but you can add more clothing if you like.

Characters: The husband plays Orion and the shepherd Endymion; the wife plays Diana and the Pleiades (The Seven Sisters).

Setting: This scenario benefits from having enough space to run around, shoot, and hide! You may also want some blankets to lie on and hide under.

For our role-playing we included eight scenes. Each scene lasted three to five minutes, except the final scene which went longer.

Scene 1: Diana and Endymion. Endymion the shepherd lays on his back and sleeps while Diana kisses him. Diana will run away if Endymion (or any part of him!) wakes up, so he does his best to hold completely still.

Scene 2: Diana discovers Orion while hunting. Diana chases Orion and shoots at him with her bow-and-arrow, until she runs out of ammo.

Scene 3: Orion chases the Pleiades. When Diana runs out of ammo Orion turns on her and her companions, chasing them down. The Pleiades are forbidden to even look upon a man, so when Orion catches one she is punished with a spank. After all Seven Sisters are caught and spanked they flee into the night sky.

Scene 4: Diana and Orion fall in love. Diana is impressed by Orion’s prowess and admires him verbally and physically. Orion is overwhelmed by Diana’s beauty and hunting ability and praises her as well.

Scene 5: Diana and Orion hunt together. The couple hunts together, but they’re frequently forced hide from Diana’s brother Apollo who is searching for them. As they roam the forest they take cover in every possible hiding place and make love, but are always forced to flee by Apollo before their love can be fully satisfied. Orion narrowly escapes when Apollo finally catches them.

Scene 6: Apollo challenges Diana. Apollo challenges Diana to an archery contest, which she readily accepts because she is the greatest archer in the world. Apollo challenges her to hit a distant object bobbing in the ocean and she does so, without realizing until too late that the target is her beloved Orion who had gone for a swim.

Scene 7: Diana attempts to revive Orion. Diana uses every power at her disposal to attempt to awaken her lover Orion. Fortunately, her sexual abilities seem to get a response from him, but will it be enough?

Scene 8: Diana rides Orion into the sky. The only way to save Orion’s life is for Diana to ride him into the sky where they explode into stars. They live together forever in the sky, Diana the Moon and Orion the constellation.

Let us know if you try this, or think of a way to adapt another myth into a sexual experience!

If you liked this, please share it!

Improve Sex By Focusing on the Peak and the End 7

This post will share ideas about how to use the happy-ending effect and the peak-end rule to improve your sexual encounters. Sex doesn’t always go perfectly, and that’s ok! Sometimes we build up grand visions in our minds about how amazing an experience is going to be, and then the kids won’t go to sleep, the smoke detector won’t stop beeping for a new battery, or you get a cramp in your leg at just the wrong time. By understanding these two psychological concepts you can help yourself and your spouse have great experiences even when things don’t go perfectly.

First, let’s look at what these two effects are. The happy-ending effect probably isn’t too mysterious! The article below presents the effect in a negative light, but you can apply it in your marriage to improve your experiences.

“When you’re deciding where to go for dinner, for example, you think about where you’ve had a good meal in the past,” lead study author Martin Vestergaard said in a news release.

“But your memory of whether that meal was good isn’t always reliable — our brain values the final few moments of the experience more highly than the rest of it. If we can’t control our in-built attraction to happy endings, then we can’t trust our choices to serve our best interests,” said Vestergaard, a neuroscientist at the University of Cambridge in Britain.

For the study, researchers had participants select between two streams of coins falling into a bucket in quick succession. Larger coins were higher in value.

One stream was greater in value but ended with a succession of smaller coins, while the other less-valuable stream ended with a run of bigger coins. Participants consistently — and incorrectly — selected the stream that ended with larger coins.

From the study we learn that people tend to over-value the end of an experience in comparison to the rest — “all’s well that ends well”.

The peak-end rule is similar to the happy-ending effect, but includes the idea that the peak of the experience matters as much as the end.

The peak–end rule is a psychological heuristic in which people judge an experience largely based on how they felt at its peak (i.e., its most intense point) and at its end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. The effect occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant. According to the heuristic, other information aside from that of the peak and end of the experience is not lost, but it is not used. This includes net pleasantness or unpleasantness and how long the experience lasted.

The big idea of the peak-end rule is that an experience isn’t only evaluated by how it ends, but also by its peak or climax. Even if an experience is largely unpleasant, awkward, or disappointing, if the peak and the end are strong then the overall experience will be viewed positively.

So how can we use this knowledge to improve sex with our spouse? By focusing our energy on the peak and end of the experience and learning to let go of our worries and frustrations about the rest. Beginnings can sometimes be especially difficult:

  • If one spouse is sexually responsive, sometimes it will take longer for him or her to “warm up” and become aroused.
  • If you’re trying a new position or activity it might take you a few minutes to figure out how to make it work.
  • If you just put the kids to bed they might come knocking at your door.
  • Your vibrator might need to be cleaned or might need new batteries.

Don’t let these speed bumps discourage you! No matter how difficult the beginning is it won’t have much effect on your retrospective enjoyment of the overall experience. Let’s dig a little more deeply into how we can make the peak and end of sex the best it can be.

This probably goes without saying, but the peak of a sexual encounter is likely to be the wife’s orgasm; if the wife chooses not to have an orgasm, or the activity is focused on the husband (e.g., blow job) then his orgasm will be the peak of the experience.

The most important thing to remember is: Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She wants. If the wife wants an orgasm, she should get one! If your wife wants an orgasm and doesn’t get one, the peak of your sexual encounter will not be good. If you have to give up on your “great idea”, change positions, take more time than you expected, or whatever, just do it. Don’t prioritize a sexual script over the wife’s orgasm — even if you succeed in executing your plans perfectly, it will all be for nothing if the wife doesn’t get the orgasm she wants.

The husband’s orgasm is also an important part of the peak! Typically the husband’s orgasm is easier to accomplish, so the focus doesn’t need to be so much on making sure it happens, but more-so on timing his orgasm with the wife’s and giving the husband the visual and sensory experience he’s after.

The timing of the husband’s orgasm relative to the wife’s orgasm is an important decision to make.

  • Before the wife: It’s generally not good for the husband to climax before the wife (if she’s planning to have an orgasm). There may be situations where you plan to do this, but make sure you talk about it first.
  • With the wife: When the husband and wife climax at the same time you can create a very high peak for your experience.
  • After the wife: When the husband climaxes shortly after the wife, while she’s still highly aroused and coming down from her own orgasm, you can draw out the peak over a longer period of time.

Usually I climax a short time after Sexy Corte. Timing our orgasms to happen at the same time can be difficult and distracting; sometimes it happens, but usually I aim to climax a bit after her.

Men are visual creatures, and the quality of our orgasms is often connected with the visual and sensory elements that go into it — that’s why my orgasms are usually stronger after Sexy Corte has one! After the wife climaxes — or if she’s creating an experience focused on her husband’s pleasure — let the husband arrange your positions or activities to create the sensory experience he wants.

  • Visual: The husband may want a better view of the action or may want to see the wife from a different angle that isn’t conducive to her orgasm.
  • Wife’s responsiveness: The wife’s moans of pleasure and body responses are an important part of elongating the peak experience. Even if the wife didn’t have an orgasm, her signs of pleasure and arousal are an important part of her husband’s experience.
  • Ejaculation: Let the husband ejaculate where he wants to! Vagina, face, body, mouth, swallowing, butt. Semen is mystical and the husband’s peak will be higher if he can put it where he wants it.

Ok, that’s a lot about the peak — how can we make the end of a sexual encounter the best it can be?

  • Touch and cuddle. Whether it was a quickie or marathon, make sure to include some touching and cuddling afterwards, even if it’s only for a few seconds. If the experience was particularly difficult or emotional for one spouse make sure to spend extra time afterwards with comfort cuddling.
  • Focus on the positive. Ignore anything that went wrong and focus on what went right and what you enjoyed. Be thankful and grateful for the spouse God gave you. Be in awe of your spouse’s sexuality that you get to share. You might need to acknowledge some difficulty, but move past it quickly to praise the peak. “The kids sure were persistent, but wow it felt great when we….”
  • Words of affirmation. Tell your spouse what you enjoyed, what felt great. Don’t give advice or ideas for improvement right now — save them for later. “It felt great when…”, “You looked so hot when…”. It’s good to be specific and explicit!
  • Bring it up again later. The end of the experience can be elongated just like the peak can. “Last night sure was fun, especially when you….”

I encourage you to check out this story from one of our readers that is a perfect example of creating a great ending despite difficulties and frustrations during the sexual encounter. Part 1: “I felt too exposed and vulnerable”; Part 2: Perfect Example of Trying Again.

By focusing on your peaks and endings you can learn to ignore any momentary frustrations and create great sexual experiences. Please leave us a comment and let us know what you think. How do you make your peaks and endings the best they can be?

If you liked this, please share it!

Perfect Example of Trying Again 8

This post is a follow-up to conversation we had with wife “LT” about the struggles she and her husband were having with doggy style. LT was very open about their challenges, and several of our readers shared their experiences and guidance in the comments to the earlier post. You can go read the first exchange at the link above, but to refresh your memory LT started her email with:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

To their great credit LT and her husband decided to try doggy style again; here’s how it went.

Thank you once again for all your help. You and your husband have been very kind. I’ve read and reread your advice and all the comments, and my husband and I decided to try again. We’ve spoken about it, and I explained, to the best of my ability, how it made me feel. I told him that it is really difficult for me and that I need him go very slowly, and I need him to hold my hand during it.

So, we decided to try it again. We did for a few minutes, but at some point in time, it began to feel too intense. The feelings of vulnerability were too intense. Everything was just too intense. My husband was lovely, he was going very slowly and held my hand in his the entire time. He also would ask me how I am doing all the time. It was very sweet. I was really trying to let the feelings pass, and really tried to enjoy the new sensations. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to do it for my husband, and I wanted to do it for myself. But, at some point in time I just broke into tears right there in bed with us still “doing it”. I do not know what it was, but I was just completely overcome with emotion. I cannot remember the last time I was that emotional, but it resonated through my entire body. I just sobbed. I was just so embarrassed. My poor husband was trying his hardest to console me, but it was just pouring out of me.

After, I guess, about an hour of this, we finally made love “normally” face-to-face and it was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I thank you and all the readers for their advice, it was very helpful and insightful. But, I feel that I just really need more intimacy when we make love and I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.

P.S., Feel free to share on the blog if you feel like it would help the discussion. Sorry that I was not a success story.

Let’s begin with the postscript: we think this experience was a great success! Let’s count the ways.

  • They communicated openly and honestly. It’s hard to have difficult conversations with your spouse about sex. LT was very specific about how she felt and what she needed, and her husband was receptive to her needs. We get zillions of emails from people who are so embarrassed to talk directly with their spouse about sex that they spend decades wishing without ever asking. Good conversations about sex increase intimacy and improve your sexual experiences with your spouse.
  • They tried again. It’s easy to give up when things get difficult. It’s easy to evade and avoid. It’s easy to not talk about it. It’s easy to do what’s comfortable and safe. It’s easy to try once and quit. LT and her husband overcame all these excuses and put their best effort into trying again, and that’s a success.
  • They shared emotional intimacy. Both LT and her husband were willing to be extremely vulnerable with each other. It’s really beautiful to read about their emotional intimacy from LT’s perspective, and it’s obvious that they’re willing to share the depths of their souls with each other. Emotional intimacy is often deepened most by sharing difficult experiences, and demonstrating vulnerability and trust is a big success.
  • They finished strong after the frustration. Even after the emotionally draining attempt with doggy style LT and her husband stuck together and made a “perfect” intimate experience. It can be hard to maintain or restart a sexual encounter when it gets disrupted, especially by perceived “failure”, but LT and her husband put in the work to finish strong and end with a success.

LT’s story is a perfect example of trying again. LT and her husband put their best effort into trying doggy style, and even though the attempt didn’t go as planned they were successful in several ways that are more important than merely “accomplishing” a specific sexual position.

Near the end of her email LT writes, “I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.” Is she right? Should they try again again? LT and her husband gave doggy style their best effort and LT didn’t enjoy it, so it’s reasonable for them to think that it’s time to move on. There’s no need to burn yourself out (or your spouse) by repeating the same frustrations over and over. After you “try, try again” and give some sexual activity your best effort, give yourself (and your spouse) permission to let it go…

… for now. No one knows what the future will bring. People change. Give it a few months, or a year, and try again with an open mind. You never know — you might surprise yourself!

What’s your experience with trying again? Are there any sexual activities that you have a hard time with? Have you had any great experiences trying again? Please share with us in the comments!

If you liked this, please share it!

What If Both Spouses Are Responsive Instead of Spontaneous? 9

Many readers have told us that our post about Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality has been eye-opening, but what if neither you nor your spouse is sexually spontaneous? What if you’re both responsive?

First, let’s remind ourselves of what spontaneous and responsive sexuality are.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous.

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex.

There’s more at the link, so go read the whole post and then come back here.

Ok, ready to continue?

Remember than just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s “good”, and uncommon things aren’t necessarily “bad”. Most husbands are sexually spontaneous, and most wives are sexually responsive, but sometimes the situation is reversed (which is fine) and sometimes both spouses are spontaneous (which is probably amazing). And sometimes both spouses are sexually responsive — which can mean that sex rarely happens because no one initiates it, leaving both spouses frustrated.

Sexually responsive people get aroused during sex play, but if the sex play never starts then they won’t have anything to respond to. So the challenge for a couple who are both responsive is to get the party started. Neither spouse may feel “in the mood” at first, but once they get going they’ll both think, “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!”

Now what we’ve described the situation, here are a few ideas for how a responsive couple can kick things off:

  • Be open to sex. Openness is critical for sexually responsive people, and doubly so when both spouses are responsive. Be open to sex even when you aren’t in the mood yet. Give yourself a chance to warm up. Let your body get aroused and your mind will follow. Similarly, be willing to work on your spouse’s body even when neither of you is aroused yet. It may feel awkward or silly to touch each other sexually when you aren’t aroused, but get used to it and be open to working towards arousal.
  • Put sex on the schedule. Scheduling sex gets a bad rap sometimes, but when you’re busy and sexually responsive it’s likely that sex won’t push its way into your lives on its own. Days and weeks can go by until you realize that you haven’t had sex in a while and your relationship is suffering because of it. You have to intentionally make time and energy for sex.
  • Create the Habit of Daily Sex. Even better than merely scheduling sex, create the expectation in your marriage that you’ll have sex every day. Instead of assuming that you won’t have sex unless you talk about having it, assume that you will have sex unless you talk about not having it. Try having sex every day for a month and you’ll be shocked at what a difference it makes in your marriage.
  • Use sex games to stimulate your minds. Arousal doesn’t have to start with physical touch! Pick a sex game to play and it will help arouse your mind and body. A structured game or activity can reduce the uncertainty or awkwardness of sexual engagement before arousal begins. Let the game itself “initiate” the sexual encounter, while you both respond to it.
  • Foreplay all day random generator. Similarly to sex games, let the foreplay-all-day generator tell you what to do. Sexually responsive people will respond to external sexual stimuli no matter the source, so intentionally introduce stimulation for you both to respond to. If you want to make it super-structured, set an alarm for every hour, reload the generator, and text your spouse whatever pops up. (Ahem.)

Do you have any other tips to share for stimulating sex when both spouses are responsive? Leave a comment and let us know!

If you liked this, please share it!

Men Can Smell When a Woman Is Aroused or Ovulating 10

We’re a little busy with virtual school right now, but here are a couple of links that connect male attraction and female scent.

Men can smell when a woman is sexually aroused.

Findings were established through three different experiments where men processed the scents of axillary sweat samples from anonymous sexually aroused and non-aroused women. Men evaluated the scent of sexually aroused women as relatively more attractive and this increased their sexual motivation. This suggests that the chemical signals of scent alone can elicit a sexual response in recipients.

Men can smell when a woman is ovulating.

We asked women who had regular menstrual cycles and who were not using hormonal contraceptives to wear a T-shirt for three consecutive nights during their late follicular (ovulatory) phase and another T-shirt during the luteal (non-ovulatory) phase of their menstrual cycle. Male raters judged the odours of T-shirts worn during the follicular phase as more pleasant and sexy than odours from T-shirts worn during the luteal phase. The odour differences between the follicular and luteal phases did not dissipate quickly over time as male raters were able to detect and judge follicular phase body odours as more pleasant and sexy than the odours from the luteal phase even after the T-shirts were kept at room temperature for one week. These findings suggest that ovulation may not be concealed and that men could use ovulation-linked odours in their mate selection.

So here’s a fun experiment for you wives to try: next time you’re ovulating, get aroused and see if your husband notices from your scent!

If you liked this, please share it!