Perfect Example of Trying Again

Perfect Example of Trying Again 1

This post is a follow-up to conversation we had with wife “LT” about the struggles she and her husband were having with doggy style. LT was very open about their challenges, and several of our readers shared their experiences and guidance in the comments to the earlier post. You can go read the first exchange at the link above, but to refresh your memory LT started her email with:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

To their great credit LT and her husband decided to try doggy style again; here’s how it went.

Thank you once again for all your help. You and your husband have been very kind. I’ve read and reread your advice and all the comments, and my husband and I decided to try again. We’ve spoken about it, and I explained, to the best of my ability, how it made me feel. I told him that it is really difficult for me and that I need him go very slowly, and I need him to hold my hand during it.

So, we decided to try it again. We did for a few minutes, but at some point in time, it began to feel too intense. The feelings of vulnerability were too intense. Everything was just too intense. My husband was lovely, he was going very slowly and held my hand in his the entire time. He also would ask me how I am doing all the time. It was very sweet. I was really trying to let the feelings pass, and really tried to enjoy the new sensations. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to do it for my husband, and I wanted to do it for myself. But, at some point in time I just broke into tears right there in bed with us still “doing it”. I do not know what it was, but I was just completely overcome with emotion. I cannot remember the last time I was that emotional, but it resonated through my entire body. I just sobbed. I was just so embarrassed. My poor husband was trying his hardest to console me, but it was just pouring out of me.

After, I guess, about an hour of this, we finally made love “normally” face-to-face and it was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I thank you and all the readers for their advice, it was very helpful and insightful. But, I feel that I just really need more intimacy when we make love and I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.

P.S., Feel free to share on the blog if you feel like it would help the discussion. Sorry that I was not a success story.

Let’s begin with the postscript: we think this experience was a great success! Let’s count the ways.

  • They communicated openly and honestly. It’s hard to have difficult conversations with your spouse about sex. LT was very specific about how she felt and what she needed, and her husband was receptive to her needs. We get zillions of emails from people who are so embarrassed to talk directly with their spouse about sex that they spend decades wishing without ever asking. Good conversations about sex increase intimacy and improve your sexual experiences with your spouse.
  • They tried again. It’s easy to give up when things get difficult. It’s easy to evade and avoid. It’s easy to not talk about it. It’s easy to do what’s comfortable and safe. It’s easy to try once and quit. LT and her husband overcame all these excuses and put their best effort into trying again, and that’s a success.
  • They shared emotional intimacy. Both LT and her husband were willing to be extremely vulnerable with each other. It’s really beautiful to read about their emotional intimacy from LT’s perspective, and it’s obvious that they’re willing to share the depths of their souls with each other. Emotional intimacy is often deepened most by sharing difficult experiences, and demonstrating vulnerability and trust is a big success.
  • They finished strong after the frustration. Even after the emotionally draining attempt with doggy style LT and her husband stuck together and made a “perfect” intimate experience. It can be hard to maintain or restart a sexual encounter when it gets disrupted, especially by perceived “failure”, but LT and her husband put in the work to finish strong and end with a success.

LT’s story is a perfect example of trying again. LT and her husband put their best effort into trying doggy style, and even though the attempt didn’t go as planned they were successful in several ways that are more important than merely “accomplishing” a specific sexual position.

Near the end of her email LT writes, “I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.” Is she right? Should they try again again? LT and her husband gave doggy style their best effort and LT didn’t enjoy it, so it’s reasonable for them to think that it’s time to move on. There’s no need to burn yourself out (or your spouse) by repeating the same frustrations over and over. After you “try, try again” and give some sexual activity your best effort, give yourself (and your spouse) permission to let it go…

… for now. No one knows what the future will bring. People change. Give it a few months, or a year, and try again with an open mind. You never know — you might surprise yourself!

What’s your experience with trying again? Are there any sexual activities that you have a hard time with? Have you had any great experiences trying again? Please share with us in the comments!

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  1. Well, definitely a success for the reasons you stated, but I guess it raises questions for me. In general, I would want to dig into what’s causing these emotions. What is at the root of these feelings? A lack of control, maybe? Fear of feeling like a ‘bad girl’ or ‘dirty’ in bed? It could be any number of things, and I only bring those up because that’s what my wife struggled with. We have bumped up against quite a few of these types of situations throughout our marriage, because I was always the more adventurous one in bed. Sometimes I throw out a new idea and she says, “No way!” So I leave it, and let her come back to me on her own terms. Some of the things she said no to originally we eventually tried and worked through and now they’re her favorite things to do. She learned to embrace married sex as something that allows for complete vulnerability and freedom. Lose control, and enjoy it!

  2. There were only a few things I said “No” to with my husband—not because I wasn’t willing as much as I just could not imagine that he could possibly enjoy that specific thing. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Reading blogs such as yours, listening to Christian sex/marriage podcasts, and, I think due to you listing them, going through Christian Sex Positions—helped me realize that what he asked for wasn’t odd at all and we’ve had fun with it. Sometimes it’s just a matter of broadening one’s horizons. (Unlike LT, it wasn’t a matter of any emotional issues.)

  3. Very interesting, thank you for this. I’ve read the first post with great interest because my wife also struggles with insecurities in bed. Like the first comment said, for my wife, at least it has always been about “not being dirty” or “feeling like a bad girl’. My wife still refuses to try perform oral sex on me because she says it is too dirty and pornographic. She did, however, a few years ago agree to try the doggy style position, and we do it on special occasions. But, she does complain that it makes her feel dirty afterwards. I love my wife very much, and as long as she is happy I am happy, but it is interesting to see that others are having similar struggles.

    1. Instead of avoiding “feeling dirty” maybe you and your wife could play into it a bit. Acknowledge the feeling, and then give yourselves permission to be “dirty” in your marriage.

  4. This is a really terrific post and I am glad that LT felt comfortable sharing her full story.

    Her story could be my wife’s story. My wife has a lot of deep emotional issues that she struggles to manage, especially during sex which is so raw and primal. So a lot of sexual activities are no-go zones for her because, just like LT, she finds them too intense and overwhelming. She tries, but they just are too much and can leave her crying or angry.

    This frustrated me for years because all she wanted was the same tried-and-true things and instinctively resisted anything new. And no matter how patient and encouraging I tried to be, and despite all the Christian resources I consulted, nothing much changed. Eventually I just learned to accept it, rather than thinking either she or I was a failure. So it is really refreshing to see that we are not alone. I wish there was more of this ‘sometimes it just doesn’t work’ rather than ‘just try harder.’

    1. It’s really tough to know when to give up! Requires prayer and discernment. If you give up too easily then you never do anything worthwhile, but if you never give up then you can drive yourself crazy with failure.

  5. I read this blog regularly, but just saw this post. Honestly, I teared up a little reading it. LT and her husband are so incredibly lucky to be in such an intimate, loving relationship. They really tried working through this challenge together, and that is beautiful to see even if it did not completely work out. I have struggled with similar issues my whole life, so for anyone else reading this, I wanted to share my thoughts. I think communication is of utmost importance if you are trying the doggy style position. I was hesitant to try it primarily because it felt very impersonal to me. I felt that it was objectifying me. I shared those concerns with my husband, I told him that if we do try it, it is extremely important that he tells me that he cares for me during it. The first time was absolutely terrifying, to be honest. I felt very nervous and very insecure. I remember my husband asking me if I am cold because I was shaking (crazy). But, what helped so, so much is that when we began my husband leaned over to be closer to me and told me that he loves me and, most importantly, that he really cares for me. It is weird because I know, of course, that my husband cares for me, but hearing him actually say those words to me at exactly that moment really helped me feel more secure and to relax. Since then we have done it in the doggy style position on a few rare special occasions. I never really learned to fully enjoy it, but it always helps immensely that my husband assures me that he cares for me. So my advice for women struggling with the same issue is to tell your husband what would make you feel more connected to him and secure in a particular position. For me, it is hearing the words “I care for you” from my husband.

    1. Thanks for leaving such a great comment! We hope that this discussion will be encouraging and helpful to our readers.

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