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In our last post we wrote about praying explicitly for your sexual desires, and after you talk with God it’s time to talk with your spouse! This post will give you some ideas for how to do that. (You should also check out How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

In this post we’re going to continue using the same examples we used previously, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex. One of these is a desire for more of a specific sex act, and the other is a general desire for more orgasms — hopefully you can adapt the ideas in this post to whatever your personal circumstances are.

Remember the key verses we discussed:

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

After you’ve shared your explicit requests with God, here are some concrete conversational steps you can take to share them with your spouse.

  • Pray first. Read the previous post on praying for your sexual desires, and ask God before you ask your spouse. Remember: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome.
  • Go in with the right attitude. Let your words demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: kind, gentle, loving, joyful, patient.
    • “I really enjoy having sex with you.”
    • “Our sex life is really important to me, and I’m eager to make it as awesome as possible.”
    • “I think you’re very sexy. You’re the only person I ever want to have sex with.”
    • “I have something I’d like to ask you for. It’s something that’s important to me that I want to share with you.”
    • “I’ve been praying about our sex life, and there’s something I want to ask you.”
    • “It’s ok if you don’t respond right now. You can take time to think and pray about it yourself.”
    • “I’d also love to know anything I can do for you.”
  • Be direct, specific, and explicit with your request. Your spouse can’t read your mind! Maybe you’ve been giving hints and leaving clues, but you aren’t married to Sherlock Holmes. It takes courage to let yourself be vulnerable by speaking your desires out-loud to your spouse and facing possible rejection. Hopefully your spouse will appreciate your openness!
    • “I really enjoy when you give me a blowjob, and I’d like you to do that more often.”
    • “I really like having an orgasm with you, and I’d like to do that more often.”
    • “Would you be willing to do that once a week?” “Once a month?” “Every time we have sex?”
    • “I’d like to have three orgasms each week. Would you be willing to try that?”
    • “You often do X, but would you consider doing Y instead?”
  • Listen for your spouse’s response. Your spouse may enthusiastically agree to your request… or maybe not. Maybe your spouse will have questions or concerns. Maybe your spouse just isn’t sure how to respond immediately. Be quiet and create conversational space for your spouse to think and respond. Don’t jump in with arguments or persuasion. Just listen. You’ve been thinking and praying about this for a long time, but this may be the first time your spouse has considered your desire. It might take several days for your spouse to respond — that’s ok! Chill.
  • Negotiate. After your spouse has responded in full, it’s time to negotiate. If your spouse simply agrees to your request, then shut up. Don’t talk past the sale. If your spouse is reluctant or unwilling, then you need to have a discussion about how you might be able to reach a compromise. You may not get everything you want, but maybe you can get some of what you want. The ins-and-outs of negotiation are beyond the scope of this post, but the point isn’t to change your spouse’s mind. The point is to find a compromise that is satisfying to both people. Don’t invalidate your spouse’s response, but explore the space and see what’s possible.
    • If your spouse simply agrees with your request: “That’s great, thank you so much. I love you.”
    • “Then would you be willing to give me a blowjob once a week?” “Once a month?”
    • “Would you be willing to give me an orgasm twice a week?”
    • “What if we reserve Friday nights for this?” “Or Saturday morning?”
    • “What if we try it a few times and see?” “Can we try it for a month and see how it goes?”
    • “How about if we do it occasionally, but not every time?”
    • “Is there anything I could do to make it easier or more appealing for you?”
    • “I understand, thanks for considering it.”
    • “Can we talk about this again in a few months?”
  • Make a specific and explicit agreement. Hopefully you’re able to find some kind of resolution that satisfies both of you, even if it’s just “try and see”. You don’t need to write a contract, but make sure that you’re on the same page so that expectations are aligned. You can always change things later, but you’ll both be frustrated and annoyed if your spouse thinks you’ve agreed to something you haven’t.
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you a blowjob every week.”
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you three orgasms every week.”
    • “Yes, let’s do this every Friday that we’re able to.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it on our next date.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it for a month and see how it goes.”
    • “Thanks for sharing this with me, I’m glad we talked.”
  • Be grateful and follow through. Needless to say, when you make an agreement you need to follow-through on it. Don’t make your spouse “remind” you. Be proactive, joyful, and enthusiastic. If you’re the receiving spouse, make sure you notice when you get what you asked for. Be grateful and joyful, and don’t forget to thank God for granting your request.
  • Keep praying. Pray without ceasing. Maybe your spouse agreed to your request… or maybe not. Either way, keep praying. God never gets tired of our requests, and he’s eager for your sex life with your spouse to be great! God is always at work, so keep your eyes open and thank him for what he’s doing around you every day.

Leave a comment and let us know how your explicit conversation goes!

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It can be really difficult to open up to your spouse and share your sexual desires, especially if you think your desires are weird or your spouse has previously declined. Vulnerability is tough, but the tips God gave us for talking to him are also applicable when communicating with your spouse.

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

If it’s too hard to ask your spouse for something directly, you can practice through prayer! God is always willing to listen, and he’s happy when we share our desires with him and are willing to submit to his will. Yes — you can pray specifically and explicitly for your sex life with your spouse.

Here are two examples, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex.

The wife could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my husband and our sex life together. I’m eager to have more orgasms with my husband, and I pray that you will bless our marriage and prompt my husband in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my husband’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

The husband could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my wife and our sex life together. I’m eager for her to perform oral sex on me more frequently, and I pray that you would open her up to this idea and prompt her in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my wife’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

Praying openly and honestly to God can help you become more courageous when speaking to your spouse. Pray out loud and get used to saying the words, instead of only thinking them to yourself. And don’t forget verse 3 from above: God is not quick to bless selfish prayers.

Ultimately, you’re probably going to have to speak directly to your spouse. He or she can’t read your mind, and may have no idea what you want — even if you’ve hinted at it a hundred times. God may very well grant your prayer by granting you courage to have a frank conversation. In the next post, we’ll talk more about what this conversation might look like. (See: Talk Explicitly About Your Sexual Desires.)

Do you pray for your sex life? Are you confident enough to share your deepest desires with your spouse? Leave a comment and let us know.

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El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
  • We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
  • Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
  • It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
  • When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
  • It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
  • Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
  • Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
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Reader and commenter Joe Caveman (who asked to use his commenting name rather than being anonymous) has some questions about bisexual attraction and when/if to discuss it with a woman he’s dating.

Hello! I’ve been following your site for a few years, and I appreciate your open-minded, yet principled exploration of sexual topics. This question is for both of you, but SC’s perspective might be especially helpful. Feel free to include this or a pared-down version of it in a Q&A post.

When and how should I come out to a significant other about being bisexual? For example: casually, after a couple of dates? Deliberately, soon before engagement? Whenever a fitting occasion arises, even if it’s not until five years into our marriage?

Perhaps a little more information would be helpful. I’m not out of the closet to anyone close enough to me to know my real name. Also, I’m not “struggling” with homosexuality, in the sense that I’m pretty sure I could feel sexually satisfied by heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I’m not tempted by extramarital homosexual desires any more than I’m tempted by extramarital heterosexual desires.

For that reason, I don’t think my bisexuality should actually matter very much to a prospective spouse. On the other hand, one of the women who I’ve dated spontaneously suggested that she wouldn’t date a bisexual person, and one of my sisters recently said something similar.

Is there a right time to come out to your significant other? Is there a right way? If your significant other is bisexual, would it be important for you to know that? If so, then why?

I’d appreciate your insight into any of these questions.

El Fury writes: We’ve received variations on this question before, and it’s great that Joe is willing to kick off this discussion publicly. The Bible clearly forbids homosexual sexual activity, so we’re going to focus on Joe’s question about same-sex attraction.

The Bible doesn’t really say much about attraction itself, which is mostly involuntary. We have very little control over what we’re attracted to, but we are responsible for how we act on our attractions. In the 10th Commandment God commands us not to “covet”, which has a sense beyond mere attraction or desire — to covet is to want something so much that you make plans and take action to possess it.

So, it seems to us that same-sex attraction is not a sin. See also: What Is Lust?

Sexy Corte writes: We think that the most important thing is that you are attracted and faithful to your wife. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find someone else attractive. That would be impossible! But, in your thoughts and your actions, you stay faithful to your wife.

This does seem like something that would be good to talk about before marriage. I wish I could tell you the right time to have that conversation. We encourage all of our readers to develop an open dialogue with their spouses about their sex life together. If you are comfortable talking about your sex life, you will have a better sex life. Open communication solves a lot of problems in relationships and if you develop that practice then I think you will be able to discuss your attraction to both men and women.

To which Joe replied:

Yesterday, I broached the topic with my girlfriend of two months. It was during an especially personal conversation in which we explicitly decided to discuss things that we needed to know about the other person and things we needed to share about ourselves.

I gave her most of the details that I gave you, and she took it very well. She said that it doesn’t change anything, and she thanked me for trusting her enough to share it with her.

I appreciate your encouragement. Your measured reaction helped give me the confidence to have the conversation.

My girlfriend did express one concern about my bisexuality. I’ve wavered on the sinfulness of homosexuality in the past, and she wanted to know what would happen if, at some point in the future, I decided that it wasn’t sinful. I explained to her that I still wouldn’t date men, because:

  1. If I became romantically involved with a man and then changed my mind again, then extricating myself from that relationship would be emotionally damaging to myself and him.
  2. Most of my family strongly disapproves of same-sex relationships, so dating a man would needlessly sow discord among my family.
  3. Eliminating men from my dating pool only marginally affects its size. There are a lot more opposite-sex-attracted women than same-sex-attracted men.

My girlfriend was satisfied by my reasoning, and there hasn’t been any tension regarding the subject since then. In fact, as I alluded to in my last email, the experience as a whole probably improved our relationship, due to the trust and communication that it established.

We love seeing God work, and we pray for wisdom as we search for God’s will in our lives and marriages.

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Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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In this episode we discuss the acrostic Sexy Corte created while sexually aroused.

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Creating Art While Sexually Aroused: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/creating-art-sexually-aroused/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 30:25 — 30.1MB)

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We get this question pretty often but haven’t written much about it. The short answer is: nothing. The Bible doesn’t mention masturbation.

Developing a longer, more satisfying answer requires some discernment, wisdom, and judgement. The factors to consider are almost the same for married people as for single people, so we hope this post will be useful for both groups of readers who ask us about the topic.

It’s important to point out immediately that it’s not our place to give anyone permission for anything, or to condemn anyone for anything. We will attempt to lay out a Biblical perspective on masturbation, but we recognize that wise and well-meaning Christians disagree on this matter. We also recognize that the indwelling Holy Spirit is the ultimate resource for every believer, and we pray that you will rely on His guidance when making decisions for your life and marriage. Prayerfully consider 1 Corinthians 8 and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Let’s begin with this question from an unmarried man, “SE”.

I am a single 21 man and wanted to ask about masturbation. I know this site is for married couples, but I can’t find ANYTHING from a Christian perspective that is helpful to me personally. I strive to follow Christ and want to be pure and live as God intended. And apart from getting a flat “NO, is it damnable SIN”, or “….uh, I don’t know. Ask your mother”, I feel screwed!

I have had a history with porn before, but now putting that chain off of me by the fear of God and submission to Him, I am currently in the process of resetting my frame of mind. And with that, I am resetting myself physically as well. I used to masturbate with porn when I could sneak it into the bathroom, but now it’s just me. I do well with staying away from pornographic or other disgraceful forms of sexual thoughts. Pretty much, it’s just me and the mirror.

My obvious question to you, as a married Christian man who knows how guys think: is this permissible in the sight of God? And is the guilt that I am feeling coming from my history or is it from the actuality of present sin? Is it a sexual addiction regardless of how scarce it may be done? (I was able to hold it up to 13 days, but ended up inflating my testicles and hurting myself. And felt all the more ashamed.) Is this desire, now breaking the old bad habit, still yet a reflection of it, or is this now natural from God’s word?

To be honest, of course I enjoy doing it. But because God’s word is so seemingly silent on masturbation, I am unsure of where to go from here.

From one man to another, was hoping you could shed some light on this. Whether it’s calming my fears, or if it’s a hard slap in the face! Can I truly glorify my Master in Heaven in this manner? And if not, can you please help me out of it or refer me to a good Godly counselor?

(And, no, I am not asking my pastor about this if that is what you will answer).

Out of all the emails we’ve received on this topic, we decided to quote this email from SE because we think he very eloquently describes the physical, emotional, and spiritual conflict that many godly men and women confront with masturbation. (And yes, women masturbate almost as much as men.)

In this post we will identify three questions for your consideration. If you’re married, then these questions affect your spouse and your marriage, so you need to discuss them together.

First, as already noted, SE is correct in saying that the Bible gives no specific commands about masturbation (including the story of Onan in Genesis 38, which is too long to discuss in detail now). Is the Bible silent on masturbation because people didn’t masturbate in the past? No. People from the past were as horny as we are now. Is the Bible silent on masturbation because the topic is too disturbing or unmentionable? No. The bible is full of murder, adultery, blasphemy, and every other kind of sin imaginable. In fact, the Bible discusses God’s expectations for sex very clearly in many places: sex is only acceptable for married couplies within the bounds of marriage.

So the first question to consider is, given this lack of specific direction and based on what God reveals about himself in the Bible, how can I best glorify God through my decision about masturbation?

Second, it’s wrong to covet another person. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says:

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

The word translated “lustful intent” is epithymeō, which is a covetous longing, a desire to take something for yourself that isn’t yours. The word is frequently used in the New Testament in a non-sexual context, and it’s important to note here that the emphasis isn’t on seeing or being attracted to beauty or sexuality, it’s on the covetous intent. Jesus is saying that if a man looks on a woman with the intent to possess her, that’s a serious matter of sin even if the two people do not have sex together.

So the second question to consider is, can I masturbate without covetous intent?

Third, we have the freedom and responsibility to honor the institution of marriage and our sex life with our spouse. In Hebrews 13:4 we read:

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

In “Can we *BLANK*?” we wrote that the answer to that question within marriage is almost always yes — you can blank all you want. We also wrote about mutual masturbation in some detail already, so for this post let’s focus on the question of solo masturbation. Whatever you decide for solo masturbation, it must be bring honor to the institution of marriage and must not defile your sex life with your spouse. These expectations are applicable to married and unmarried people alike: the Bible isn’t only concerned for your own marriage, but also for the honor of the institution of marriage.

So the third question to consider is, can I masturbate without dishonoring the institution of marriage or defiling my marriage bed?

We believe that only you can answer these questions for yourself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, sensitivity to your conscience, and honest dialogue with your spouse.

  • How can I best glorify God through my decision about masturbation?
  • Can I masturbate without covetous intent?
  • Can I masturbate without dishonoring the institution of marriage or defiling my marriage bed?

What do you think? Have you talked with your spouse about masturbation? What have you decided for your marriage?

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In this episode we answer common questions from newlyweds and talk about sexual frequency.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Sexual frequency: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/frequency/

How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/how-to-talk-with-your-spouse-about-sex/

Level-Up Your Sex Life: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/level-up-your-sex-life/

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Back in 2016 (!) we wrote about our habit of daily sex, and we recently received an email from a pastor with some questions for us. This email spurred a conversation between me and Sexy Corte that has updated some of our thinking.

First, here’s the email from pastor and reader “KN”:

Background: My wife and I have a solid sex life and marriage. Usually 2-4 times a week, mostly by my initiation (she is a stay-at-home-mom, homeschooler, and 1000 other things, so I am ok with that) during the day through conversation or a pre-arranged day of the week. We both enjoy sex, which is a blessing.

Further background: I’m a pastor, and in preparing to do some premarital counseling, I of course am prepping a portion on sexual intimacy. I read your blog and others to help me formulate my prepping. One of the things that I consistently read is that you have sex every day.

Here’s the two-part question: 1) has it been that way for a while and 2) assuming you didn’t used to have sex everyday, what started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you “keep at it”, making it not turn into a “mundane” thing?

Go read the original post for an explanation of how to create the habit of daily sex in your marriage. We won’t repeat all that here. We do want to highlight something important though:

The key here isn’t that you must have sex every single day, but that the expectation is for daily sex —  if no one says anything, then assume you’re going to have ““““““““““““`sex. […]

Once your habit is in place, you should never have no-sex unless someone intentionally initiates it. The end result won’t be sex every single day of the year — sometimes you get sick, kids drive you crazy, work and chores overwhelm you, and emergencies happen. That’s life! But the expectation every day is that you’ll be having sex together.

The point isn’t to have sex every single day, the point is to create the default of sex every day — as opposed to many couples who view sex as the exception rather than the expectation.

So with that point made, we will answer KN’s questions.

  1. “Has it been that way for a while?” — Yes, we’ve cultivated a habit of daily sex throughout our whole marriage. Obviously the habit is harder to keep during some time periods than others. Overall, I estimate that we have sex about 25 times per month. Sickness, separation, arguments, weariness, anxiety, stress, and other challenges frequently arise and sometimes hinder us from achieving our goal.
  2. “What started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you keep at it, making it not turn into a mundane thing?” — As we wrote in the earlier post, daily sex is a habit like any other. How do you build good habits for exercise or healthy eating? You make a plan and you just do it. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don’t, but you just do it. And sometimes you skip exercising or decide to eat garbage despite your best intentions. But you don’t beat yourself up over it.

Sexy Corte and I had a big conversation about our habit and expectations after receiving KN’s email. We decided that we both want to maintain the habit, but that we want to shift expectations a bit. The primary changes we’ve decide to make are:

  • Previously we were most likely to decide not to have sex on days when Sexy Corte is on her period. Now we have decided to do more sexual activities while she’s on her period, and reduce sexual activities while she has PMS. Her PMS days are the days when she is generally least interested in physical intimacy of any kind, whereas period days still offer lots of opportunities.
  • Previously we would often have “efficient” sex first-thing in the morning. This decision would often make it difficult for Sexy Corte to be interested in more prolonged and intimate sessions in the evening. Now we’ve decided to be more strategic with our morning quickies so as to create space and energy for evening sex. Now we probably have morning sex 3-4 times per week rather than 5-6, and evening sex on the other days.

Just remember than sex with your spouse is always relational not transactional. Building a habit of daily sex is great, but as with all habits be sure to practice moderation. Communicate and adapt!

Do you practice daily sex with your spouse? Do you have any experience with communicating about changing expectations? Leave us a comment and let us know!

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