Create the Habit of Daily Sex, Part 2 1

Back in 2016 (!) we wrote about our habit of daily sex, and we recently received an email from a pastor with some questions for us. This email spurred a conversation between me and Sexy Corte that has updated some of our thinking.

First, here’s the email from pastor and reader “KN”:

Background: My wife and I have a solid sex life and marriage. Usually 2-4 times a week, mostly by my initiation (she is a stay-at-home-mom, homeschooler, and 1000 other things, so I am ok with that) during the day through conversation or a pre-arranged day of the week. We both enjoy sex, which is a blessing.

Further background: I’m a pastor, and in preparing to do some premarital counseling, I of course am prepping a portion on sexual intimacy. I read your blog and others to help me formulate my prepping. One of the things that I consistently read is that you have sex every day.

Here’s the two-part question: 1) has it been that way for a while and 2) assuming you didn’t used to have sex everyday, what started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you “keep at it”, making it not turn into a “mundane” thing?

Go read the original post for an explanation of how to create the habit of daily sex in your marriage. We won’t repeat all that here. We do want to highlight something important though:

The key here isn’t that you must have sex every single day, but that the expectation is for daily sex —  if no one says anything, then assume you’re going to have ““““““““““““`sex. […]

Once your habit is in place, you should never have no-sex unless someone intentionally initiates it. The end result won’t be sex every single day of the year — sometimes you get sick, kids drive you crazy, work and chores overwhelm you, and emergencies happen. That’s life! But the expectation every day is that you’ll be having sex together.

The point isn’t to have sex every single day, the point is to create the default of sex every day — as opposed to many couples who view sex as the exception rather than the expectation.

So with that point made, we will answer KN’s questions.

  1. “Has it been that way for a while?” — Yes, we’ve cultivated a habit of daily sex throughout our whole marriage. Obviously the habit is harder to keep during some time periods than others. Overall, I estimate that we have sex about 25 times per month. Sickness, separation, arguments, weariness, anxiety, stress, and other challenges frequently arise and sometimes hinder us from achieving our goal.
  2. “What started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you keep at it, making it not turn into a mundane thing?” — As we wrote in the earlier post, daily sex is a habit like any other. How do you build good habits for exercise or healthy eating? You make a plan and you just do it. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don’t, but you just do it. And sometimes you skip exercising or decide to eat garbage despite your best intentions. But you don’t beat yourself up over it.

Sexy Corte and I had a big conversation about our habit and expectations after receiving KN’s email. We decided that we both want to maintain the habit, but that we want to shift expectations a bit. The primary changes we’ve decide to make are:

  • Previously we were most likely to decide not to have sex on days when Sexy Corte is on her period. Now we have decided to do more sexual activities while she’s on her period, and reduce sexual activities while she has PMS. Her PMS days are the days when she is generally least interested in physical intimacy of any kind, whereas period days still offer lots of opportunities.
  • Previously we would often have “efficient” sex first-thing in the morning. This decision would often make it difficult for Sexy Corte to be interested in more prolonged and intimate sessions in the evening. Now we’ve decided to be more strategic with our morning quickies so as to create space and energy for evening sex. Now we probably have morning sex 3-4 times per week rather than 5-6, and evening sex on the other days.

Just remember than sex with your spouse is always relational not transactional. Building a habit of daily sex is great, but as with all habits be sure to practice moderation. Communicate and adapt!

Do you practice daily sex with your spouse? Do you have any experience with communicating about changing expectations? Leave us a comment and let us know!

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Sex Q&A: Oral Lube, Outside Sex, and Staying Hard 2

Here’s another batch of emails we’ve received from our readers recently. If you’ve got a question for us, use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send them over!

Wife “IE” writes:

We’ve been having oral sex for the past few years, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation that I realized just how much my husband loves it! All that to say, we’ve been doing a lot more oral lately!

When doing oral on your husband do you use any other lubricant besides your saliva? Sometimes I find it hard to summon up enough saliva to get the right amount of friction. I know they have different products out there, but I’m curious what other people actually do.

Glad you are having fun with oral! I haven’t tried any other products except my own saliva. Once in a while if I have had a cold, I might have a cough drop tucked into the side of my cheek, and that produces extra saliva. You could also try having a glass of water near by to keep your mouth wet. If you find any products out there that you like, let us know! (See also: Numbing Sprays and Lube: Are They Safe?)

To which “IE” replied:

I recently tried using coconut oil which paired nicely with a massage. Contemplating taking the dive and trying a flavored lube…

Husband “NS” writes:

My wife enjoys sex with the hotel window blinds open, at times with a couch or so in front of window, normally in a city and on floor that’s pretty high up. Same with in a vehicle, with light risk of being seen. At what point do you think this is too risky? When should I attempt to reign her back?

We get a lot of emails from husbands that would love to be in your position! Those instances sound a little risky, but I don’t think they are dangerous. It sounds like you are being pushed out of your comfort zone though, which is not always a bad thing. I think there is a line that you don’t want to cross, and if you are imposing yourself on others I think you have hit that line. If nobody is actually seeing you and there is a little risk of being caught, that can be very exciting. (See also: the “public places” tag.)

Wife “RE” writes:

My husband and I have not had sex in over two or three months. There have been times when I have been available for him to jump in and have sex but he makes excuses and it ruins the mood for me.

For example, one day I was in the shower and sent a steamy naked picture to him saying to join me. I had my leg hiked up on the tub ledge and the shower curtain open to expose my naked body with the water running over me. When he finally came in he made a joke about the show I was watching (Outlander… which has a lot of sex in it). I roll my eyes and he just stands there. I say, well I don’t have my leg up here for the fun of it. He replies, oh, well my hands aren’t clean. I am glad he is worried about his hands but I asked him to join me in the shower where he could easily wash his hands or even wash his hands at the sink he was standing at. The excuse just kills my libido.

I asked about his excuses one night and he says he does want to have sex with me. Even since then we still have not had sex. Months before this I was trying to work out a sex schedule but he never helped with the building of it. Especially on the day of, it was like the last thing on his mind. I know he has stress at work sometimes, but nothing he has to bring home. I don’t think it’s his job distracting him, but I don’t know what else it could be. What advice can you give?

It sounds like you have asked him if he wants to have sex with you, but have you tried having a direct conversation? You could prep him in advance so he has time to think things over. “I really want our sex life to be great, and I would like to talk to you about the current status and how to improve it. Can we have a conversation tonight?” Set a specific time with a specific goal. Ask him about his sexual satisfaction, and what his ideal sex life would look like. Share with him what your needs are and what you want your sex life to look like. Direct communication is the most helpful in identifying problems and setting a course towards improving those problems. It sounds like you are trying, and I’m sure it is discouraging. I hope this helps. I prayed for you now! (See also: How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

Wife “DE” writes:

My husband has a hard time staying erect unless he is the one doing the work… so if I get on top he often goes soft pretty quickly. It was fine for a while but I’m getting tired of the same missionary / doggy style all the time, and after having children I find it’s harder for me to climax. I used to not require much, but I’m really needing more clit stimulation, or at least for him to last longer. I’ve sent him some articles from this site, which worked only for the sex we had that night (I suggested him giving me oral). I have also introduced the idea of a cock ring but he is too nervous to try (I actually bought one, which he still hasn’t tried, and mentioned getting stretchy ones but he is still resistant.) I can’t sit up straight when I get on top of him because he says it hurts his penis to bend backward more than 90 degrees. He also has to stimulate himself to get erect.

I guess my question is, is this normal (he seems to think so)? What else can I do to help keep him hard when I’m on top? Is it possible he has ED? (I haven’t said this to him as I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’ve thought it multiple times.) My confidence had taken a huge hit since I actually love to be on top but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it (obviously since he starts going soft). I do feel like I’m the only one who is dissatisfied with our current situation, but he’s gotten so used to the short 10 minute (or less) sex sessions without having to stimulate my clit so I feel kind of bad asking for more. I do have a vibrator but I don’t know how to introduce it into the bedroom. Any thoughts or advice you have would be appreciated.

I think communication could help you both a lot. Sex can be hard to talk about but it’s important, and it’s ok to be direct in a loving way.

As for him not being able to keep an erection when you are on top, this does seem worth talking to his doctor about. I know that will be a hard topic to bring up, but if it helps him then it will be worth it even if he gets upset at first. For him having to stimulate himself to get erect, try asking him how you can be a part of that. Say something like, “If you tell me what would make you hard, I’ll try doing it.” The more that sex is focused on your spouse the more you learn about each other, which makes sex even better.

For your orgasm, communicate with him so that he is part of finding the solution. You could tell him that it is harder for you to climax after having kids, but would really like to have more orgasms on a consistent basis, and ask if he has any ideas to make that happen. Just like you are willing to do what it takes to get him hard, he will (should) be willing to do what it takes to give you the orgasms you want. You say that he seems satisfied with the current situation, so it may not be clear or obvious to him that you are not satisfied.

Husband “NE” writes:

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we got married as virgins. I love my wife’s body and love sex a lot (always on my mind), but she doesn’t. She hates sex. She initially liked oral but later hated it also. We don’t even kiss. Currently we haven’t had sex in 4 months. She explains that she doesn’t know why she isn’t attracted to sex.

The few times we had sex it was mind blowing and she was actually very wet, but now she says penis-in-vagina sex is very uncomfortable for her.

I have two major questions.

1. How can I make her long for sex with me?

2. I can no longer attain a full erection. My penis doesn’t stand 100% erect, only about 70%. I am worried that if I ever initiate sex it might not be rigid enough for penetration.

My first thought is: has your wife ever had an orgasm? This question is not a reflection on your skill or her body. It’s very common for women to be unable have an orgasm during sex. Only around 30% of women can orgasm from penetration during sex, which means that most women can’t! I would start there. If your wife has had an orgasm, focus on helping her to have more. If she hasn’t, focus on helping her have her first one.

Sex can be uncomfortable for women if they are not aroused. You could start with just using your mouth or hands (and plenty of lube), and play around her clit area for as long as it takes. It can take as long as 45 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm. You can introduce a vibrator to this area as well. Don’t put pressure on having sex, just focus on her arousal and orgasm. Getting into a habit of having regular orgasms increases your desire for sex. If she is in pain even when aroused, it may be something that she needs to talk to her doctor about.

Make sure you communicate. These conversations can be uncomfortable but the more you talk about your sex life the easier it gets. Tell your wife that you want more intimacy, you want to have an amazing sex life, and want to figure out how it can be awesome for her too. Ask if you can spend some time focusing on just her. Ask her if she is open to improving your sex life Pray together about your sex life.

As a final note: we always pray for everyone who contacts us. God wants you and your spouse to have an awesome sex life!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Escape the "Friend Zone" in Your Marriage 3

We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

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What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? 4

When your spouse asks what you want sexually, do you give a safe answer because you aren’t sure how he or she will respond to the full truth? Paul Byerly writes this with regards to husbands specifically, but the same is true for wives.

In my Put An “O” In Valentine’s post a couple of weeks ago, I said, “Ask him what he wants you to do for him sexually. Then when he’s told you, ask him what he really wants.”

The safe answer isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the full truth. The safe answer is in line with your spouse’s expectations — it won’t surprise your spouse, and it won’t rock the boat. The safe answer says that everything is “pretty good”, and maybe I’d like 10% more oral sex.

Why are husbands reluctant to go beyond the safe answer?

Most decent guys are concerned they are oversexed perverts. Of they fear their wife would see them as such if they knew what he really wants. So if she asks, he gives her the mildest stuff and sees how she reacts. If he sees or thinks he sees any non-positive reaction, he’s done. He will make a point of never asking for anything more than that. The other thing that will shut him down is not doing what he mentioned in the next month or so.

A husband wants to be respected and accepted, and going beyond the safe answer risks judgement and rejection from the person he loves and needs most in the world.

What about wives? There are always exceptions, but typically wives aren’t worried about being rejected for being too “crazy”. We’d love to hear from readers on this, but Paul writes that some wives are reluctant to ask for reliable orgasms.

A lot of women sell themselves short here. For example “I don’t need to come every time” is true for some, but some who say that would really, really like to orgasm at least 99% of the times they have sex. Or maybe when she was young not climaxing every time was okay, but it’s been a problem for more than a decade and she doesn’t know how to ask for a change.

You need to put in some patient, trusting effort to get past the safe answer. It will take time for you both to open up and share at a deeper level. Sexy Corte and I talked about Harnessing Your Sexual Fantasies in a recent podcast episode, so listen there for some tips on having this conversation.

If you want to know his deepest sexual desires, you’ll have to coax it out of him a bit at a time. Besides his fear, odds are he really doesn’t know what he wants. He never expects to get it, so thinking about it just makes him unhappy. Other guys could give a long list of things they want to try, and the reality is they would cross many things off the list after trying them once or twice. It’s hard to know if you will enjoy something until you try it.

It’s not uncommon to try something new and discover that it wasn’t as fun as you expected. Frankly, 95% of the sex positions you’ll find online are like that. It’s ok to try something new and then set it aside. Maybe you’ll try again later, or maybe neither of you will feel like doing it again. Sexy Corte and I felt this way about me ejaculating on her face and body. Some people really enjoy that, but for us it was unfulfilling.

If you want to thrill him and give him all the things he didn’t even know he wanted, you can. Just keep asking what he wants. Show him you won’t freak out and he will open up a bit more. Do some of what he talks about, and he will open up even more. If he brings up something you don’t think you want to do, tell him you’re not up to that right now, and ask him to suggest a couple of other things.

Assuming the request is within the boundaries God has set, if at all possible, say “yes” with enthusiasm — this alone will level-up your sex life. Saying “yes” should be a no-brainer for husbands: if your wife wants more orgasms then hop to it! For wives with … creative … husbands it might be more intimidating to say yes to everything, but here are a couple of ideas that can make it easier.

  • “I’ll do my best, but we might need to shift gears if it isn’t working.” Sex can be difficult, so you should both be free change things if it isn’t working in the moment. Commit to try your best even if you aren’t sure you can succeed.
  • “I’ll be happy to do this once in a while, but I’d rather not do it every time.” Some sexual activities are best in moderation, and not appealing for every sexual encounter. Offer a frequency — say, once a month — and be enthusiastic when the time comes.
  • “I don’t think I can do that right now, but how about next week?” Maybe the mood, time, or energy level just isn’t suitable right now, but you’re willing to psyche yourself up and prepare for this activity a bit later.
  • “I’m not comfortable with that right now, but you can ask me again in three months.” This answer isn’t great, but you can use it if you’re really unsure or uncomfortable with the request but don’t want to close the door completely. Give your spouse an opportunity to ask again, and look for a way to say yes.

The spouse doing the asking must show love, consideration, and restraint. Nagging and pestering aren’t attractive or effective for building up your sex life. If you don’t get a “yes” try not to withdraw from your spouse or the conversation. It’s good to be direct and honest, even if you don’t get what you want. Take your request to God and see how he answers. If you do feel moved to ask your spouse again, consider waiting several months and take a simple “yes” or “no” without turning the request into an interrogation.

Do you know what your spouse really wants? How did you find out? Let us know in the comments!

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How can you harness your sexual fantasies to strengthen intimacy in your marriage? This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Sexual Novelty: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/novelty/

Sex Games: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/category/sex-games/

Sexual Role-Playing: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/role-playing/

The Importance of Enthusiasm: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/

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Use Breast-Play to Bond With Your Spouse via Oxytocin 5

Communication is always a great place to start, but here’s a biological trick you can use to jump-start intimacy and bonding with your spouse: play with the wife’s breasts. Breast-play releases the hormone oxytocin which stimulates bonding and feelings of intimacy.

Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University and co-author of The “Chemistry Between Us” (2019), believes that men’s love of breasts is simply that human evolution has co-opted an ancient neural circuit which was originally designed to strengthen the bond between mother and infant.

Oxytocin is nature’s “love drug,” and nipple stimulation, be it from an infant during breast feeding, or from a man during coitus, floods a woman’s brain. This helps the woman focus on the task at hand. Quite simply, when men bit, nibble, suck, or caress women’s nipples, he helps her body release oxytocin in the woman’s brain producing a bonding experience.

According to Young, attraction to breasts “is a brain organization effect that occurs in straight males when they go through puberty…Evolution has selected for this brain organization in men that makes them attracted to the breasts in a sexual context, because the outcome is that it activates the female bonding circuit, making women feel more bonded with him. It’s a behavior that males have evolved in order to stimulate the female’s maternal bonding circuitry.”

What’s more, nipple stimulation for women apparently triggers the same areas of the brain as genital stimulation.

For many women, nipples are erogenous zones. A new study may explain why: The sensation from the nipples travels to the same part of the brain as sensations from the vagina, clitoris and cervix.

The study, published online July 28 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, is the first to map the female genitals onto the sensory portion of the brain. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers noted which brain areas become active when women touch various parts of their bodies. The genital-sensing brain areas in women roughly correspond to the same areas in men, but the nipple finding was a surprise, said study researcher Barry Komisaruk, a psychologist at Rutgers University.

“My speculation is that this could be the basis for many women saying that nipple stimulation is erotogenic, because it stimulates the same area as the genitals,” Komisaruk told LiveScience.

So if you’re feeling distant or disconnected from your spouse, along with communication invest some quality time in breast-play. The oxytocin released will help you bond together and strengthen your relationship and intimacy.

(See also: How to play with breasts.)

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Improve Sex By Focusing on the Peak and the End 6

This post will share ideas about how to use the happy-ending effect and the peak-end rule to improve your sexual encounters. Sex doesn’t always go perfectly, and that’s ok! Sometimes we build up grand visions in our minds about how amazing an experience is going to be, and then the kids won’t go to sleep, the smoke detector won’t stop beeping for a new battery, or you get a cramp in your leg at just the wrong time. By understanding these two psychological concepts you can help yourself and your spouse have great experiences even when things don’t go perfectly.

First, let’s look at what these two effects are. The happy-ending effect probably isn’t too mysterious! The article below presents the effect in a negative light, but you can apply it in your marriage to improve your experiences.

“When you’re deciding where to go for dinner, for example, you think about where you’ve had a good meal in the past,” lead study author Martin Vestergaard said in a news release.

“But your memory of whether that meal was good isn’t always reliable — our brain values the final few moments of the experience more highly than the rest of it. If we can’t control our in-built attraction to happy endings, then we can’t trust our choices to serve our best interests,” said Vestergaard, a neuroscientist at the University of Cambridge in Britain.

For the study, researchers had participants select between two streams of coins falling into a bucket in quick succession. Larger coins were higher in value.

One stream was greater in value but ended with a succession of smaller coins, while the other less-valuable stream ended with a run of bigger coins. Participants consistently — and incorrectly — selected the stream that ended with larger coins.

From the study we learn that people tend to over-value the end of an experience in comparison to the rest — “all’s well that ends well”.

The peak-end rule is similar to the happy-ending effect, but includes the idea that the peak of the experience matters as much as the end.

The peak–end rule is a psychological heuristic in which people judge an experience largely based on how they felt at its peak (i.e., its most intense point) and at its end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. The effect occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant. According to the heuristic, other information aside from that of the peak and end of the experience is not lost, but it is not used. This includes net pleasantness or unpleasantness and how long the experience lasted.

The big idea of the peak-end rule is that an experience isn’t only evaluated by how it ends, but also by its peak or climax. Even if an experience is largely unpleasant, awkward, or disappointing, if the peak and the end are strong then the overall experience will be viewed positively.

So how can we use this knowledge to improve sex with our spouse? By focusing our energy on the peak and end of the experience and learning to let go of our worries and frustrations about the rest. Beginnings can sometimes be especially difficult:

  • If one spouse is sexually responsive, sometimes it will take longer for him or her to “warm up” and become aroused.
  • If you’re trying a new position or activity it might take you a few minutes to figure out how to make it work.
  • If you just put the kids to bed they might come knocking at your door.
  • Your vibrator might need to be cleaned or might need new batteries.

Don’t let these speed bumps discourage you! No matter how difficult the beginning is it won’t have much effect on your retrospective enjoyment of the overall experience. Let’s dig a little more deeply into how we can make the peak and end of sex the best it can be.

This probably goes without saying, but the peak of a sexual encounter is likely to be the wife’s orgasm; if the wife chooses not to have an orgasm, or the activity is focused on the husband (e.g., blow job) then his orgasm will be the peak of the experience.

The most important thing to remember is: Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She wants. If the wife wants an orgasm, she should get one! If your wife wants an orgasm and doesn’t get one, the peak of your sexual encounter will not be good. If you have to give up on your “great idea”, change positions, take more time than you expected, or whatever, just do it. Don’t prioritize a sexual script over the wife’s orgasm — even if you succeed in executing your plans perfectly, it will all be for nothing if the wife doesn’t get the orgasm she wants.

The husband’s orgasm is also an important part of the peak! Typically the husband’s orgasm is easier to accomplish, so the focus doesn’t need to be so much on making sure it happens, but more-so on timing his orgasm with the wife’s and giving the husband the visual and sensory experience he’s after.

The timing of the husband’s orgasm relative to the wife’s orgasm is an important decision to make.

  • Before the wife: It’s generally not good for the husband to climax before the wife (if she’s planning to have an orgasm). There may be situations where you plan to do this, but make sure you talk about it first.
  • With the wife: When the husband and wife climax at the same time you can create a very high peak for your experience.
  • After the wife: When the husband climaxes shortly after the wife, while she’s still highly aroused and coming down from her own orgasm, you can draw out the peak over a longer period of time.

Usually I climax a short time after Sexy Corte. Timing our orgasms to happen at the same time can be difficult and distracting; sometimes it happens, but usually I aim to climax a bit after her.

Men are visual creatures, and the quality of our orgasms is often connected with the visual and sensory elements that go into it — that’s why my orgasms are usually stronger after Sexy Corte has one! After the wife climaxes — or if she’s creating an experience focused on her husband’s pleasure — let the husband arrange your positions or activities to create the sensory experience he wants.

  • Visual: The husband may want a better view of the action or may want to see the wife from a different angle that isn’t conducive to her orgasm.
  • Wife’s responsiveness: The wife’s moans of pleasure and body responses are an important part of elongating the peak experience. Even if the wife didn’t have an orgasm, her signs of pleasure and arousal are an important part of her husband’s experience.
  • Ejaculation: Let the husband ejaculate where he wants to! Vagina, face, body, mouth, swallowing, butt. Semen is mystical and the husband’s peak will be higher if he can put it where he wants it.

Ok, that’s a lot about the peak — how can we make the end of a sexual encounter the best it can be?

  • Touch and cuddle. Whether it was a quickie or marathon, make sure to include some touching and cuddling afterwards, even if it’s only for a few seconds. If the experience was particularly difficult or emotional for one spouse make sure to spend extra time afterwards with comfort cuddling.
  • Focus on the positive. Ignore anything that went wrong and focus on what went right and what you enjoyed. Be thankful and grateful for the spouse God gave you. Be in awe of your spouse’s sexuality that you get to share. You might need to acknowledge some difficulty, but move past it quickly to praise the peak. “The kids sure were persistent, but wow it felt great when we….”
  • Words of affirmation. Tell your spouse what you enjoyed, what felt great. Don’t give advice or ideas for improvement right now — save them for later. “It felt great when…”, “You looked so hot when…”. It’s good to be specific and explicit!
  • Bring it up again later. The end of the experience can be elongated just like the peak can. “Last night sure was fun, especially when you….”

I encourage you to check out this story from one of our readers that is a perfect example of creating a great ending despite difficulties and frustrations during the sexual encounter. Part 1: “I felt too exposed and vulnerable”; Part 2: Perfect Example of Trying Again.

By focusing on your peaks and endings you can learn to ignore any momentary frustrations and create great sexual experiences. Please leave us a comment and let us know what you think. How do you make your peaks and endings the best they can be?

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Perfect Example of Trying Again 7

This post is a follow-up to conversation we had with wife “LT” about the struggles she and her husband were having with doggy style. LT was very open about their challenges, and several of our readers shared their experiences and guidance in the comments to the earlier post. You can go read the first exchange at the link above, but to refresh your memory LT started her email with:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

To their great credit LT and her husband decided to try doggy style again; here’s how it went.

Thank you once again for all your help. You and your husband have been very kind. I’ve read and reread your advice and all the comments, and my husband and I decided to try again. We’ve spoken about it, and I explained, to the best of my ability, how it made me feel. I told him that it is really difficult for me and that I need him go very slowly, and I need him to hold my hand during it.

So, we decided to try it again. We did for a few minutes, but at some point in time, it began to feel too intense. The feelings of vulnerability were too intense. Everything was just too intense. My husband was lovely, he was going very slowly and held my hand in his the entire time. He also would ask me how I am doing all the time. It was very sweet. I was really trying to let the feelings pass, and really tried to enjoy the new sensations. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to do it for my husband, and I wanted to do it for myself. But, at some point in time I just broke into tears right there in bed with us still “doing it”. I do not know what it was, but I was just completely overcome with emotion. I cannot remember the last time I was that emotional, but it resonated through my entire body. I just sobbed. I was just so embarrassed. My poor husband was trying his hardest to console me, but it was just pouring out of me.

After, I guess, about an hour of this, we finally made love “normally” face-to-face and it was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I thank you and all the readers for their advice, it was very helpful and insightful. But, I feel that I just really need more intimacy when we make love and I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.

P.S., Feel free to share on the blog if you feel like it would help the discussion. Sorry that I was not a success story.

Let’s begin with the postscript: we think this experience was a great success! Let’s count the ways.

  • They communicated openly and honestly. It’s hard to have difficult conversations with your spouse about sex. LT was very specific about how she felt and what she needed, and her husband was receptive to her needs. We get zillions of emails from people who are so embarrassed to talk directly with their spouse about sex that they spend decades wishing without ever asking. Good conversations about sex increase intimacy and improve your sexual experiences with your spouse.
  • They tried again. It’s easy to give up when things get difficult. It’s easy to evade and avoid. It’s easy to not talk about it. It’s easy to do what’s comfortable and safe. It’s easy to try once and quit. LT and her husband overcame all these excuses and put their best effort into trying again, and that’s a success.
  • They shared emotional intimacy. Both LT and her husband were willing to be extremely vulnerable with each other. It’s really beautiful to read about their emotional intimacy from LT’s perspective, and it’s obvious that they’re willing to share the depths of their souls with each other. Emotional intimacy is often deepened most by sharing difficult experiences, and demonstrating vulnerability and trust is a big success.
  • They finished strong after the frustration. Even after the emotionally draining attempt with doggy style LT and her husband stuck together and made a “perfect” intimate experience. It can be hard to maintain or restart a sexual encounter when it gets disrupted, especially by perceived “failure”, but LT and her husband put in the work to finish strong and end with a success.

LT’s story is a perfect example of trying again. LT and her husband put their best effort into trying doggy style, and even though the attempt didn’t go as planned they were successful in several ways that are more important than merely “accomplishing” a specific sexual position.

Near the end of her email LT writes, “I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.” Is she right? Should they try again again? LT and her husband gave doggy style their best effort and LT didn’t enjoy it, so it’s reasonable for them to think that it’s time to move on. There’s no need to burn yourself out (or your spouse) by repeating the same frustrations over and over. After you “try, try again” and give some sexual activity your best effort, give yourself (and your spouse) permission to let it go…

… for now. No one knows what the future will bring. People change. Give it a few months, or a year, and try again with an open mind. You never know — you might surprise yourself!

What’s your experience with trying again? Are there any sexual activities that you have a hard time with? Have you had any great experiences trying again? Please share with us in the comments!

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Husbands Want Quantity, Wives Want Quality 8

Quality is better than quantity. That statement is beneficial in many ways. But what if quantity is the quality? Husbands often view sex through that lens. We get a lot of emails from readers asking about frequency. Men want their wives to have more sex. Women wonder why their husbands want to have sex so much, and often comment that they don’t enjoy it. Here are some thoughts on how to improve the quality and the quantity.

As a couple: Communication can fix a lot of problems. Sex can be awkward to talk about, but the more you communicate about your sex life the easier it is to talk about. How often do each of you need an orgasm to feel satisfied? In a week? A month? Pay attention and notice when you feel aroused. What time of day works best to have sex? What can you do to meet your spouse’s needs? Is there something you can do to make sex better? Remember, you are the only person that can meet your spouse’s sexual needs.

For husbands: If you want to have quantity, you need to increase the quality. Your wife is not going to want to have sex if you don’t bother getting her aroused, or making sure  that she is having all of the orgasms that she wants. Shift your focus from just having sex to making sure your wife is enjoying it. Around 70-80% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That means only 20-30% of women can orgasm through standard penis-in-vagina sex. We have wives tell us that after years of marriage they just experienced their first orgasm. If your wife is one of the majority, you have to be more creative to give her an orgasm. For many women it takes 20-45 minutes of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Use your hand or a vibrator, and stay there. Men can be aroused in an instant, but arousal can be a lengthy process for a woman. Notice her throughout the day and be intentional in words, touch, etc. When you start to have sex, spend a while in foreplay. Sex can be painful for your wife if she is not aroused. Husband, you might be surprised by how much your wife wants to have sex when she’s having frequent orgasms!

For wives: Quantity has a quality all of its own. You might be surprised at how often your husband would want to have sex if you were available. Find out what your husband needs to feel satisfied. It’s ok to have sex and not have an orgasm, as long as you are sexually satisfied overall. Be available to your husband. Remember, you are the only person your spouse can have sex with. He will never grow tired of having sex. Pray for the right attitude towards meeting his sexual needs. Sex is not a burden, it is a gift. Sometimes it is a tricky gift to figure out! Find what makes you enjoy sex, then pursue doing that together. Your husband almost certainly wants to give you pleasure, but may not know how. If you have never had an orgasm, explore how to make that happen with your husband. An orgasm is the key to unlocking the pleasure of sex.

Remember that you are a team. You love each other. If both spouses in a marriage focus their energy on pleasing the other, your own needs will get met along the way.

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Sex Q&A: "Another Unfulfilling Love-Making Session" 9

We often get emails from husbands who want advice because they sense that their wives aren’t enjoying sex that much, so we thought it would be particularly worthwhile to share this email from wife “RI”:

Hi there.

The fact that I feel awkward writing this email already may say a thing or two.

I am writing this after having had another unfulfilling love-making session with my husband last night.

I have often thought of seeking help but I have not known where or how and wanted to seek advice from a Christian source.

My husband and I have been married for over one-and-a-half years. We are both each other’s first and only sex partners. My husband engaged in pornography prior to our marriage, but I don’t feel this is affecting our relationship. We have an awesome marriage! But we get stuck when it comes to sex. He seems quite happy with our loving-making sessions but I am often left feeling like it’s been one-sided. I don’t fully know what makes me feel good and when I try to explore I get nowhere. I ask my husband to explore and sometimes he gets it right (and I make sure he knows it) but often he does some casual kissing here and there to try get to the goal of penetration. I do occasionally orgasm but always in the same position during penetration. We have tried other positions but they just hurt for me. He has tried using his hand or fingers but it has never worked. He doesn’t seem to know how to use his hands differently even with thorough communication which often leads to frustration on both our parts. I read about how sex within marriage should be fun and exciting and very stimulating but to be honest I often just try to have it because I know we should but am scared of being disappointed again and feeling like the whole thing is one-sided. I don’t know if the problem lies with me as I feel like I’m really not very sensitive physically and like there’s something wrong with me. I often just catch myself thinking “there must be more” especially if even Christian marriage books speak so highly of how fulfilling sex can be and how great it can feel.

I don’t have a direct question but some guidance would really help even if that guidance is referring me to a Christian counselor or something.

Thank you.

Wow, what an honest and vulnerable letter! Husband, if you’re longing for greater intimacy and frequency with your wife then consider that your wife’s experience might be close to what RI as written.

RI, thanks for your email! Don’t worry about feeling awkward — talking about sex has that effect on people! Be encouraged that sex tends to improve over marriage, and you have many years of exploring ahead of you. El Fury and I are frequently learning new techniques to enjoy. Your sex life is a process of discovery, and your body can even change over time. Something that didn’t get your attention before can suddenly feel amazing.

You should also be encouraged that you’re able to have an orgasm from penetration — 70%+ of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which can be hard to accomplish during penetrative sex. It doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you. I used to have that same thought, and I wasn’t even able to orgasm for a long time. Here are some suggestions for you to try:

  • Communication is really important, especially about sex. The more you talk about sex with your husband the easier it gets. Tell him that you want to figure out how to be more responsive sexually and ask if he would be willing to learn with you. You could tell him about our blog. There might be a few posts to direct him to, like “How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain”, “How To Help Your Wife Orgasm”, “Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants”, and “Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique”. It’s hard to figure out what feels good without exploring, and maybe you both need some fresh ideas!
  • Extended foreplay. If you are having pain during sex it’s often because you aren’t aroused enough, or even aroused at all. Spending time in foreplay is key on this. It can take women 45 minutes or longer to orgasm — for me it’s a good 20-30 minutes. It’s important to have the mindset when you start your session that you’re going to be in it for a while. Sometimes it’s just the same motion for a long time that does the trick. El Fury could be using his fingers and it doesn’t stimulate me, but then he moves them a tiny amount and it feels completely different. So even if he is using the same technique, try moving around until you get the right spot. Then in a few minutes, you might have to move it again. Do foreplay until your body is really aching for penetration, then sex shouldn’t hurt.
  • Introduce a vibrator. I used to be really skeptical of sex toys, but then El Fury asked to use one on me and WOW. Just because you are using some assistance does not mean that sex becomes about the vibrator. Sex is still about the intimacy between you and your husband, and using a vibrator can really increase that intimacy. I can’t orgasm during sex without one. It’s a matter of geography. When we use a vibrator I get to experience that amazing closeness that comes from having an orgasm during sex. If you start using one with your spouse you are likely to have a lot more orgasms during sex, which is part of what makes sex feel so good!
  • Track your monthly cycle. Most women ovulate about two weeks after the first day of their period. Make sure you have sex on that day! One week later is usually PMS, and you might feel really low libido that day, so try not to get frustrated if sex isn’t great then. In addition to this, pay attention to yourself! Is there a certain time of day that you notice yourself feeling aroused? If possible, have sex at that time!
  • Talk about your needs and expectations. Most men need to orgasm more frequently than most women, and I don’t have an orgasm every time we have sex. Both partners should get the sex they need to feel satisfied, and that’s about more than mere frequency! You might not care about frequency as much as your husband, but when you do want an orgasm you should get one.
  • Pray about your sex life. Together! I remember the first time El Fury and I had sex, and right afterwards he prayed out-loud for our sex life. I thought it was so weird at the time, but looking back I’m so thankful he did, and that moment is one of my most meaningful memories.

I know that most of this post is about orgasms, but that is a really important part to having a fulfilling sex life. That is what satisfies you and also fuels your desire for sex the next time.

And since it’s worth repeating, husbands go check out Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants. You’re likely to have more and better sex if your wife is having plenty of orgasms.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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