Escape the "Friend Zone" in Your Marriage 1

We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? 2

When your spouse asks what you want sexually, do you give a safe answer because you aren’t sure how he or she will respond to the full truth? Paul Byerly writes this with regards to husbands specifically, but the same is true for wives.

In my Put An “O” In Valentine’s post a couple of weeks ago, I said, “Ask him what he wants you to do for him sexually. Then when he’s told you, ask him what he really wants.”

The safe answer isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the full truth. The safe answer is in line with your spouse’s expectations — it won’t surprise your spouse, and it won’t rock the boat. The safe answer says that everything is “pretty good”, and maybe I’d like 10% more oral sex.

Why are husbands reluctant to go beyond the safe answer?

Most decent guys are concerned they are oversexed perverts. Of they fear their wife would see them as such if they knew what he really wants. So if she asks, he gives her the mildest stuff and sees how she reacts. If he sees or thinks he sees any non-positive reaction, he’s done. He will make a point of never asking for anything more than that. The other thing that will shut him down is not doing what he mentioned in the next month or so.

A husband wants to be respected and accepted, and going beyond the safe answer risks judgement and rejection from the person he loves and needs most in the world.

What about wives? There are always exceptions, but typically wives aren’t worried about being rejected for being too “crazy”. We’d love to hear from readers on this, but Paul writes that some wives are reluctant to ask for reliable orgasms.

A lot of women sell themselves short here. For example “I don’t need to come every time” is true for some, but some who say that would really, really like to orgasm at least 99% of the times they have sex. Or maybe when she was young not climaxing every time was okay, but it’s been a problem for more than a decade and she doesn’t know how to ask for a change.

You need to put in some patient, trusting effort to get past the safe answer. It will take time for you both to open up and share at a deeper level. Sexy Corte and I talked about Harnessing Your Sexual Fantasies in a recent podcast episode, so listen there for some tips on having this conversation.

If you want to know his deepest sexual desires, you’ll have to coax it out of him a bit at a time. Besides his fear, odds are he really doesn’t know what he wants. He never expects to get it, so thinking about it just makes him unhappy. Other guys could give a long list of things they want to try, and the reality is they would cross many things off the list after trying them once or twice. It’s hard to know if you will enjoy something until you try it.

It’s not uncommon to try something new and discover that it wasn’t as fun as you expected. Frankly, 95% of the sex positions you’ll find online are like that. It’s ok to try something new and then set it aside. Maybe you’ll try again later, or maybe neither of you will feel like doing it again. Sexy Corte and I felt this way about me ejaculating on her face and body. Some people really enjoy that, but for us it was unfulfilling.

If you want to thrill him and give him all the things he didn’t even know he wanted, you can. Just keep asking what he wants. Show him you won’t freak out and he will open up a bit more. Do some of what he talks about, and he will open up even more. If he brings up something you don’t think you want to do, tell him you’re not up to that right now, and ask him to suggest a couple of other things.

Assuming the request is within the boundaries God has set, if at all possible, say “yes” with enthusiasm — this alone will level-up your sex life. Saying “yes” should be a no-brainer for husbands: if your wife wants more orgasms then hop to it! For wives with … creative … husbands it might be more intimidating to say yes to everything, but here are a couple of ideas that can make it easier.

  • “I’ll do my best, but we might need to shift gears if it isn’t working.” Sex can be difficult, so you should both be free change things if it isn’t working in the moment. Commit to try your best even if you aren’t sure you can succeed.
  • “I’ll be happy to do this once in a while, but I’d rather not do it every time.” Some sexual activities are best in moderation, and not appealing for every sexual encounter. Offer a frequency — say, once a month — and be enthusiastic when the time comes.
  • “I don’t think I can do that right now, but how about next week?” Maybe the mood, time, or energy level just isn’t suitable right now, but you’re willing to psyche yourself up and prepare for this activity a bit later.
  • “I’m not comfortable with that right now, but you can ask me again in three months.” This answer isn’t great, but you can use it if you’re really unsure or uncomfortable with the request but don’t want to close the door completely. Give your spouse an opportunity to ask again, and look for a way to say yes.

The spouse doing the asking must show love, consideration, and restraint. Nagging and pestering aren’t attractive or effective for building up your sex life. If you don’t get a “yes” try not to withdraw from your spouse or the conversation. It’s good to be direct and honest, even if you don’t get what you want. Take your request to God and see how he answers. If you do feel moved to ask your spouse again, consider waiting several months and take a simple “yes” or “no” without turning the request into an interrogation.

Do you know what your spouse really wants? How did you find out? Let us know in the comments!

Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She wants 3

Husbands, I’ll be very direct: if you wife isn’t having regular orgasms then she isn’t going to love having sex. She might enjoy the intimacy of sex, she might like to give you pleasure, she might do it out of obligation, but she isn’t going to love it.

“How often should we have sex?” There isn’t one right answer, but here’s what we say: each spouse should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. Often that means that the husband will have more orgasms than the wife does, and we think that’s fine as long as the wife has as many orgasms as she wants. In our marriage, I have an orgasm every day and Sexy Corte has an orgasm about twice a week on average. Her orgasm frequency can be pretty bursty though — sometimes she’ll have an orgasm four days in a row and get exhausted, and sometimes she won’t have an orgasm for a week and get really angsty. (It’s hot when she’s angsty).

This formula is pretty simple to follow as long as everything is going smoothly, but from experience and reader emails we’ve noticed two common problems that lead to wives not having all the orgasms they want:

  1. Some wives give up because they feel self-conscious about the effort required.
  2. Some wives give up because their husbands don’t put in the effort required.

When a wife gives up on having the orgasms she wants it’s very easy for her to become disillusioned with sex and resentful towards her husband. It’s a fact of biology and relationships that men tend to orgasm more easily than women, and husbands and wives should both be sensitive to this reality.

Let’s look at problem #1 first: yes, sometimes it’s a lot of work for a woman to reach orgasm, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes it requires a vibrator. Sometimes it requires oral or fingers. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes the kids won’t go to sleep. Sometimes it’s easier to just watch TV.

“Why are male orgasms so easy and female orgasms so hard?!” I don’t know, but get over it! Wife, you don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting an orgasm even if it’s difficult. Some women we’ve heard from didn’t think they could have orgasms at all, but it turned out they only needed a little coaching and openness. It isn’t “noble” or “selfless” for a wife to talk herself out of a satisfying sex life, so don’t make yourself a martyr. Take ownership of your needs, talk with your husband, and be open to trying new things. Get the orgasms you want!

Solving problem #2 starts with a question for husbands: Does your wife know that you’ll do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm? Maybe you’ve given her signs that make her think her orgasms as too much work and she’s pulled back from what she really wants. Maybe you’ve been too quick to accept her hesitation when she does want an orgasm but isn’t sure you’re willing to put in the work. Maybe you haven’t been creative or skillful enough. A wife who is self-conscious or reluctant to speak up for herself might interpret these kinds of behaviors as a lack of desire on your part to give her pleasure. She might think that you think her orgasms are too much trouble.

Husband: be direct and explicit. Tell your wife frequently that you want to pleasure her and you’ll do whatever it takes.

And then enthusiastically do whatever it takes!

As long as what the wife desires involves only the two of you, is consensual, leads to mutual satisfaction, and is done in faith then you should do it. Be proactive. Don’t make your wife nag you. Be a student of her sexuality and put in the effort to become proficient with her body!

For a husband or wife who feels they need a little education, check out this post: All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams).

“If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.” Husbands: if you want to maximize your sex life you need to do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants. Wives: if you aren’t getting the orgasms you really want then you need to speak up and be a little more selfish!

Leave a comment and let us know if you are putting in the effort in your marriage to give you spouse all the orgasms he or she wants.

Three More Female Perspectives on Giving Oral Sex 4

As long-time readers know, oral sex is one of the most frequent topics that we get asked about by both husbands and wives — specifically about a wife performing oral sex on her husband. Two of the most popular posts on the topic are “Yes, You Should Swallow” and “What Do Wives Think of Swallowing Semen?” In the spirit of that second link, we thought it would be worthwhile to share a few posts from Reddit that dig deeper into women’s thoughts on performing oral sex. Unlike most of our content these posts aren’t specific to the context of marriage, but we think they provide a valuable perspective that might be helpful to our readers.

First, “Enthusiasm is KEY – blowjobs (Female perspective)”. She makes a very good point: husband, if you want more oral sex, show more enthusiasm!

So I know how most of the connections made between enthusiasm and blowjobs are aimed at women. How do you give a good blowjob? Be enthusiastic. Want it. Etc. And that’s all very valid. But it’s important to remember that male enthusiasm makes a big difference too. [snip]

One day, I decided I’d try and make him come from a blowjob, on his birthday. I was still thinking as if a good blowjob had to be earned, or be on a special day or something. Crazy how much ideas can get into your head. So I looked up tips for good blowjobs and eventually found The Blowjob Manifesto. I studied for an afternoon and then proceeded to give him The Blowjob that changed my life.

He had an orgasm, and was flabbergasted. He told me he never came from blowjobs, especially not after having some alcohol. That I’d blown his mind and that it felt amazing. During the blowjob, he’d also been moaning and making light surprised noises. I felt my ego swell up like a balloon. I felt giddy. Happy. We snuggled and went to sleep. Some time (months) after that, I realised I actually wanted to blow him. That’s when I decided “f*** the rules” (that I’d been following without second thought, about earning them or special days), I’ll just give a blowjob when I want to give one. It’s not just his, it’s also mine.

I love blowjobs now.

Second, here’s the “Blowjob Manifesto” that was mentioned in the previous link. There’s a ton of direct, practical advice here, including encouragement near the end to ask for feedback.

While reading the “What’s your #1 sex tip for the opposite sex” post, I saw a lot of guys begging women to incorporate what I believed to be basic beej technique into their blowjob routines. In response, I have created a guide to giving good head. Hopefully, my years of…extensive field research…will benefit you in some small way. [snip to the end]

A lot of people are afraid to ask for feedback at all, let alone mid-beej. But there are tons of sexy ways to get him to tell you what he likes! Ask, “Oh, you like that baby?” when trying something new. Say, “Does it feel better when I go like this…or like this?” with a coy smile on your face. Want to be dirty? Be specific, “Do you like it when I [do this move] to your cock baby?”. Also, guys just love hearing the word “cock” in general.

Third, “Giving Oral as Both a Kink and a Comfort”.

So I have a very prominent oral fixation. When I’m attracted to a man, I find extreme pleasure in giving him a blowjob/making out for hours. I could (and have) cum untouched just from how aroused I get by sucking him or kissing him. I don’t know what it is about the idea of how excited he gets, or the feel of him swelling, or just the submission of it, but I’ve often cum in sync. And when I don’t have anyone I’m sexually into, I absentmindedly chew or suck on things. I’m always snacking, drinking, sucking, chewing on my fingers, etc.

But the weird part is it’s not just a fetish for me, but like, a comfort? does anyone else experience that? I find the act of giving a blowjob soothing as well as stimulating, and I could probably easily fall asleep like that.

If any of our female readers would like to add their perspective to the discussion, please leave a comment below.

How to Present Your Body to Your Husband For His Admiration 5

After posting How To Admire Your Husband’s Penis (and the related podcast episode) we received a couple of emails asking for advice on how a husband can admire his wife’s body. We’re going to tackle that question in this post, beginning with some advice for a wife on how to present her body to her husband for his admiration and attention.

A husband usually isn’t hesitant to flaunt his penis in front of his wife, particularly during a sexual encounter, but many women are shy about their bodies even with their husbands. We receive frequent emails from female readers who suffer from body shame in one form or another, which is very common in our culture today. On this blog we encourage readers to put an effort into being fit and attractive for their spouses, but you’ve got to maintain realistic expectations for yourself and your spouse. This blog can’t solve everyone’s body fears (not even our own), but for the purposes of this post we’re going to assume that you can overcome any anxiety you may have over your body and put your best self forward for your spouse!

“Presentation is everything” generally refers to food, but men are visual creatures and our hunger is naturally drawn to anything that looks tasty — including our wives. In Get (and Give) a Better View of the Action we shared some tips for positioning your bodies during sex so that you can watch the penetration happening, but in this post we’re going to focus on foreplay. Wife, your husband wants to see your naked body! All of it. He wants to devour you with his eyes (and hopefully his mouth too). When you discard your shyness and anxiety and present your body to him, he will make it worth your while.

Here are some tips for how a wife can present her body to her husband:

  • Naked. Sexy lingerie is fine for some occasions, but for the purposes of sexual presentation you want to be naked and uncovered. Let him see your whole body.
  • Clean. Be clean and well-groomed. Make yourself appetizing. Wash, shave, brush your teeth, etc.
  • Unashamed. Don’t be shy and withdrawn, be bold! Put yourself out there, mind and body. Shoulders back. Back arched. Head up.
  • Vulnerable. Be willing to be vulnerable in front of your husband. Let him see and touch you. Don’t shy away from his eyes or hands.
  • Open. Keep an open posture — spread your legs open to reveal your lady bits; keep your arms down at your sides or behind your back to expose your breasts; keep your head up and your eyes open.
  • Inviting. If your husband is shy, invite him to look at you and touch you. Ask him how he wants you to position yourself, or if he wants you to touch yourself. Help him to be comfortable admiring you.
  • Submissive. Follow your husband’s lead. Even if he’s being shy, invite him to take control of you. Ask him to lead you, and then do what he says.
  • Eye contact. Keep your eyes on your husband. You don’t need to stare constantly into his eyes, but make sure he has your attention while he admires you.
  • Enthusiastic and responsive. Don’t be reluctant or hesitant, or your husband might back off. Be enthusiastic for him and respond to his admiration with obvious pleasure.

There are several positions that are particularly good for a wife to present herself to her husband. The purpose of these positions is to give your husband a good view of your body and to make your body available for his admiration and enjoyment.

  • Standing. Stand up straight, spread your feet shoulder-width apart, put your shoulders back, put your arms behind your back, arch your back, and hold your head up.
  • Kneeling. Sit on your heels with your knees spread, hands on your thighs, shoulders back, back arched, head up.
  • Spread-eagle. Lie on your back with your legs open and your arms over your head or at your sides. You can keep your legs flat, or lift your knees, or lift your legs up into the air depending on how good of a view you want to give your husband.
  • Doggy-style. On your hands and knees, with your butt facing your husband. Knees slightly apart, back arched. Keep your head up and look back at your husband over your shoulder — you’ll probably see a look of pure lust on his face.

Now that the wife is presenting herself, what can the husband do to admire her body? We’re going to copy some of the ideas from How to Admire Your Husband’s Penis and adapt them for a husband admiring his wife.

  • Don’t be afraid of your wife’s body. If your wife is using the ideas above, she’s presenting her body to you because she wants you to look at her and touch her. Don’t be shy. She’s inviting you in. If you hesitate or act uncomfortable she’s going to notice and feel self-conscious herself. Your boldness and eagerness for her will increase your wife’s confidence.
  • Explore your wife’s body. Use your eyes, hands, fingers, and mouth to explore your wife’s body. When your wife presents herself to you don’t jump straight into sex — take some time to enjoy the meal! Don’t focus exclusively on her sexual parts; show her that you admire her whole body. Go slowly. Show your admiration for her body through your touch.
  • Be confident and take control. Your wife is making herself vulnerable and submissive, so you need to lead the activities. Don’t be reluctant to tell her how to move or position herself, but remember that the focus is on her body, not yours! Guide her to the behavior that will help you pleasure and admire her. Try telling her what to do instead of moving her yourself — give her an opportunity to be submissive.
  • Admire your wife’s physicality. Tell your wife how much you love her body. Be specific: what do you like about it? Not just what parts, but what qualities? For example:
    • “I love the way you smell”
    • “I love the way you taste”
    • “You’re so soft and warm”
    • “Your breasts look amazing”
    • “I love the way you feel in my hands”
    • “I want to feel myself slide into you”
    • “Looking at you makes me so hard”
    • “I can’t help staring at you”
    • “I’ve been wanting to see you like this all day”
    • “You’re so wet, you must want something”
  • Tell her what you’re going to do to her sexually. Just like men, women want to be wanted. Tell your wife how much you want to make love with her, and what you want to do with her.
    • “I can’t wait to get my hands all over you”
    • “I’m going to make you scream in pleasure”
    • “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body”
    • “I’m going to eat you out till you beg me to stop”
    • “I’m going to explode if I can’t get inside you”
  • Responsiveness during sex. Admire your wife’s body while you’re having sex.
    • Moaning and groaning in general are sexy. Don’t act deceptivelyjust verbalize the pleasure you’re feeling.
    • “Your body feels so good against me”
    • “You’re so tight on me”
    • “You feel so good in my arms”
    • “I love feeling your legs wrapped around me”
    • “You look so sexy when you ride me”
    • “I’m going to explode inside you”
    • “I can’t wait to feel your orgasm”
  • Admire her body after sex. Tell your wife how much you enjoyed her body.
    • “Your body is amazing”
    • “You’re so sexy”
    • “I love the way you were moving”
    • “I love holding you while you orgasm”
    • “It feels so good to come inside you”
    • “You know just how to touch me”
    • “I never want to let your body go”

Whew, that’s a long post! Hopefully these ideas will help wives be open and vulnerable with their bodies, and help husbands to show admiration and love for their wives. If you’ve got any more ideas or questions, leave a comment below!

Sexual responsiveness is critical for creating exciting, pleasurable, and memorable sexual encounters.

If this podcast is a blessing to your marriage, please leave a 5-star review and tell a friend!

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/)

The Importance of Enthusiasm (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/)

Bondage for Beginners: What, Why, and How (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/bondage-for-beginners-what-why-and-how/)

How to Increase Intimacy During Sex (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/how-to-increase-intimacy-during-sex/)

Enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Related blog posts:

The Importance of Enthusiasm (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/)

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/)

Sexy Adult Jenga (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/sexy-adult-jenga/)

Naked Marco Polo (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/stories/naked-marco-polo/)

Yes, You Should Swallow 6

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This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #005: Yes, You Should Swallow

All Christian sex bloggers eventually get around to the question: should a wife swallow her husband’s semen? As usual, the answer is “if she wants to”. Well that’s fine… no one should be coerced into doing anything against her will… but I’m going to go a bit farther for wives and claim that you should cultivate a desire to swallow.

Why? Well, let’s get inside your husband’s head for a minute. As I’ve written before, we men like to mark our territory — and depositing his semen into your body is one of the primary ways your husband marks you. If you reject his semen, you’re rejecting him as your mate and as the potential father of your children. Even though it’s your mouth, refusing to swallow is basically the same as insisting that your husband wear a condom when you have intercourse.

On the flip side, when you do swallow, you create intimacy between you and your husband. You demonstrate love and acceptance on a very primal level that goes beyond words. If you want to drive your husband crazy don’t just suck him off — dive into him like a woman lost in the desert who has just spotted an oasis. Not like you have to swallow, but like you crave him and will die if he doesn’t shoot himself down your throat right now.

And finally: God himself describes the passion of oral sex better than I ever could.

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
    so is my beloved among the young men.
With great delight I sat in his shadow,
    and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Bonnie Wallace says that semen is the perfect food for a wife. [Update: Bonnie’s blog no longer exists.]

In addition, it also has some great mind-altering effects.  It boosts melatonin, which helps you sleep, and oxytocin, which increases affection and boosts your mood.  You know how they say that breast milk is the most perfect food for an infant?  Well, semen is a pretty darn close comparison for the perfect sex food for a wife.

She also gives some helpful tips on how to swallow:

Ok, I’m not going to say that it is easy to swallow the first time you try to do it.  Depending on how often you have sex, a LOT may come out down there.  I’ll admit that my technique initially was to try to get it all in my mouth then swallow all at once to “get it over with” and that usually ended up making a really big mess.  Instead, it works better to drink it like a water fountain, swallowing and drawing more into your mouth at the same time.  Granted, there still may be too much to get it all, but it works a lot better this way than the other.

Since this topic generates a lot of email for us, let me also point you to these related posts:

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 7

We’ve seen some great posts over the last month or so, but haven’t had time to post them all yet… so here we go!

In Song of Solomon 5:1, God interjects and approves of marital intimacy by saying, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” — This reminds me… I need to finish my long-running series about Song of Solomon!

Dear wife, you deserve a great sex life too! — If a husband wants better sex for himself, one of the best ways to get it is to focus more on his wife.

A huge list of things many husbands would like to try with their wives — also, be willing to be adventurous — wives, science says that you may not even know what arouses you.

Average penis size by country, and a helpful tip for a wife who wants to measure her husband surreptitiously. Husbands, don’t worry: women don’t seem to care as much about size as we do.

Enthusiastic sex = greater intimacy — we also wrote about the importance of enthusiasm.

More about frenulum orgasms — here’s our post about the frenulum. For him, also try prostate massaging.

Move mismatched sex drives towards better — sex and marriage take effort.

Why you should try doggy-style — and here are some tips for the doggy-style position.

How to make sex into a great workout — use all your muscles!

Sex toys for Valentine’s Day — we really enjoy our wedge pillows and remote-controlled vibrator.

Be visually generous — if your husband his feeling down, just ask if he wants to touch your boobs.

Oral sex survey results — every sex blogger’s favorite topic. Husbands and wives apparently want to give more oral sex than they currently do.

Overcoming fellare phobia, the fear of giving oral sex — “He was thrilled!” — Swallowing and Enjoying It. Semen doesn’t taste like chocolate, but hey, you can always add chocolate!

Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day — alternatively: secret message panties.

Podcasts:

Plus, 20 more great links from Forgiven Wife.

Whew, that’s a lot of stuff! If you’ve got another link to share, leave a comment.

How to Increase Intimacy During Sex 8

On this blog we tend to spend the most words on the physical and mental dimensions of sex with your spouse: topics like games, positions, role-playing, toys, and having more sex. We also talk a lot about the spiritual dimension of sex, about how God wants sex in your marriage to be awesome and fulfilling. Today I want to talk about the fourth dimension: emotion. As your marriage matures and grows, the emotional intensity of sex with your spouse can wane over time. Sex can be fun and frequent, but the emotions may fade to the background as you grow comfortable with your spouse.

It may not be realistic to expect to recapture all the joy and wonder of your honeymoon and maintain it for decades, but here are a few ideas for increasing the level of intimacy in your sex life.

  • Eye contact. Instead of closing your eyes and focusing inward, keep your eyes open and on your spouse. Look each other in the eyes while you touch each other and when you climax. Eye contact is one of the most primal, direct forms of intimacy in any social situation. It shows that your attention is completely focused on one thing only: the person you’re looking at. You can’t make eye contact with two things at once! Eye contact during sex may feel awkward, embarrassing, or vulnerable at first, but with a little practice (and humor) it can add a lot of intimacy to your sex life.
  • Kiss more. Remember how much you made out when you were dating? Sexy Corte and I would make out for hours while “watching a movie”, and not even remember what we supposedly watched. Instead of jumping straight for the genitals, make kissing a significant part of foreplay and sex.
  • Responsiveness. Moan, scream, talk explicitly about what feels good and where. As I wrote in the linked post: “What’s more intimate than crying out your spouse’s name when you climax? When you’re sexually responsive to your spouse you’re sharing the most personal, internal details about yourself, private knowledge about your secret inner workings that no one else gets to experience. If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.”
  • Enthusiasm. As the song says, “I want you to want me / I need you to need me”. Enthusiasm and eagerness for sex increase intimacy — no one needs to feel pressure ask for sex in the “right” way, to perform, or to look a certain way. Enthusiasm builds your spouse’s confidence and breaks down the walls of insecurity that hinder intimacy.
  • Hold hands. Even if you’re in a position that limits eye contact, it’s often possible to hold hands during sex. Holding hands is an innocent intimacy, and a special sign of love and friendship.
  • Orgasm together. This can be difficult unless you’re really in tune with each other. I always try to make sure that I don’t climax before Sexy Corte — because that’s just disappointing — and it’s tricky to hit my peak just when she hits hers. If you want to try this, have the wife do her best to give her husband a few seconds warning before she actually reaches orgasm, and then let him follow as best as he can.
  • Vulnerability. Intimacy is increased when one person trusts another enough to show vulnerability, and that trust is rewarded and respected. Vulnerability can be mental, emotional, or physical. It can be embarrassing to tell your spouse, hey, I’d really like to play Sexy Jenga, or, I’d really like you to swallow — there’s a risk of judgement or rejection. Similarly, there’s physical vulnerability involved with bondage or spanking, and emotional vulnerability to wearing lingerie or asking for more sex. But each time one of you offers vulnerability and the other rewards and respects it, the door is opened for greater vulnerability, trust, and intimacy. The surest way to shut down intimacy is to punish vulnerability from your spouse.
  • Speak your spouse’s love language. Your spouse will receive your love best when you speak his love language. Our inclination is to show love in our own love language, because it’s the most natural for us, but that’s not the best way to touch your spouse’s heart. Learn his or her love language and use it during foreplay and sex.
  • Stay positive. Not every sexual encounter will go perfectly. Not every game, toy, or position you try will work. Not every date will be magical. Not every disagreement will go your way. Despite all these realities, fight hard inside yourself to stay positive about your sex life. Be willing to say yes again and again. Work to improve yourself. Communicate with your spouse, especially when it’s embarrassing or awkward. Laugh together, forgive quickly, and go have great sex with a smile on your face.

Do you have any tips to share to increase intimacy during sex? Leave a comment!