Sex Q&A: Wife on Doggy Style: “I felt too exposed and vulnerable”

Sex Q&A: Wife on Doggy Style: "I felt too exposed and vulnerable" 1

The doggy style position occupies a prominent place in our mental landscape and carries a lot of different connotations, both positive and negative. Wife “LT” wrote to us about her mental, emotional, and physical struggle with the position and agreed to let us share her emails in the hope that this discussion will be helpful and that other women would offer their perspective on doggy style as well.

Wife LT began:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

Firstly, I hated the lack of eye-contact. Not being able to see or kiss my husband made me feel very insecure. I tried looking back at him as much as I could, but it was physically awkward turning my head. I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me. I really missed the intimacy and closeness of the missionary position. I just did not feel loved. As we were doing it, all I could think about was how much I wanted for my husband to just tell me that he loves me and for him to kiss me. At some point I even reached out and held my husband’s hand as I was craving some sort of a connection. I held his hand the entire time until he had orgasmed. Being able to hold his hand during it made it slightly more bearable.

When my husband finished, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. Now I regret ever doing it, and I never want to feel like that again. I guess my question is whether what I am feeling makes sense, and how do I tell my husband about this as he seemed to have enjoyed it. Thank you so much.

I wrote back:

I understand your struggle with this position. It’s a position that in certain contexts can indicate a level of inferiority. You feel like it lacks intimacy and puts you in a role that you feel like you aren’t being respected by your husband. I hope my thoughts can help you see doggy style in a different way and encourage you to communicate your thoughts to your husband.

First, I would focus on the truth that you know about your husband rather than project speculative thoughts onto him. In general, do you feel like you have a close, intimate relationship with your husband? Do you feel like your husband holds you in high regard and respects you? If both of those are true, then you have no reason to fear that doing this position will make your husband think less of you or your relationship. For El Fury, the angle of this position allows him to connect with me in a different way because he can push deeper inside of me. It’s different from other positions. Because of that, it feels incredible to him. For me, if I am highly aroused, it feels great to me as well for that same reason, he touches a part of me that he otherwise wouldn’t reach. With that said, we usually only do doggy style after I orgasm. If we start with it, I’m usually not aroused enough and it can be painful.  I tell you that because I’m thinking it will help you to understand why your husband might like that position.

For the vulnerability aspect, submission doesn’t have to mean it’s demeaning. Vulnerability is an indication of trust, which can be incredibly intimate. When El Fury and I try new things, I know that I can trust him not to go too far, or lose control, or do anything that would hurt me. Knowing that is very meaningful to me. I think from his end, knowing that I trust him with those things is meaningful to him as well!

I think it would be great for you to talk to your husband. Ask him questions, find out what he liked about it. Tell him your concerns and make a plan together on if you will incorporate this position into your sex lives in the future. In my own marriage, this position is like an accent position, and done with the right intent can feel pretty great. I hope this helps! I prayed for you that you would be able to have a good conversation with your husband about this.

LT replied:

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I think I see what you mean by how the shared vulnerability can be meaningful. You are also 100% correct that I do need to talk to my husband about it. I guess at this point I am still struggling to process my own thoughts and feelings. As I’ve said in my initial letter, it just felt awful to me. I felt violated. My husband and I are indeed in a good loving relationship, so I am not sure why my emotions were so strong. In fact, it felt a little better when I could hold my husband’s hand during it. I was craving more of my husband (not less).  I would be happy for you to share my post on your blog if it means that perhaps I could get some more feedback from other readers.

I may need some time to make sense of this.

It can take time and prayer to process complex thoughts and emotions, so give yourself that space. Hopefully your husband will be gracious and eager to learn more about you!

El Fury adds:

LT: Good for you and your husband for experimenting! It sounds like you have a solid sex life together, which is something to be thankful for. I’ll jump on the end of this post to offer a husband’s perspective. Every man is different, so take my views with a grain of salt and be sure to talk to your own husband to get his perspective.

First, yes, doggy style feels physically great! The position lends itself to deeper penetration and greater tightness than positions where the wife’s legs are spread open. Doggy style also gives the husband a wide range of motion, a beautiful view, and lots of fun things to do with his hands. These are all pretty obvious reasons why a husband is likely to enjoy doggy style.

Second, it’s worth exploring the emotional and relational elements of doggy style. I want to highlight a portion of what LT wrote:

I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me.

For a husband it is extremely arousing to receive willing sexual vulnerability and submission from his wife. Men love feeling dominant and powerful, and it’s emotionally arousing when your wife trusts you enough to submit to you sexually. The wife being “exposed and vulnerable” is one of the best parts of doggy style; if you can embrace this emotional facet of your sex life it can lead to incredible intimacy. Many a husband fantasizes of commanding his wife to “bend over” or “get down on your knees” and receiving eager, enthusiastic submission.

LT: Bluntly, your husband may have liked doggy style for the exact same reason that it made you uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love and respect you — I’m sure he does. But he also wants to go beast mode and *blank* you like an animal sometimes. Both things can be true at once.

After an emotionally intense sexual encounter it’s important to kiss and cuddle and reinforce the gentler elements of the relationship, and I think this was missing from your foray into doggy style. Before you try it again, make sure you tell your husband how intense it will be for you and help him understand the support you’ll want from him before, during, and after. This conversation might make your husband reluctant to try doggy style again for fear of making you uncomfortable, so you might need to verbally or physically reassure him that you’re serious about it, that you trust him and want to be vulnerable. Create an opportunity for your husband to be dominant and give him permission to take it.

If you want to read more about why sexual submission and vulnerability from the wife is arousing to her husband, check out these posts:

Readers, especially wives, what do you think about doggy style? Is it emotionally intense for you? Does vulnerability help create intimacy? Leave a comment and let us know.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

28 comments

  1. My husband has a disability so we can only d ok it doggy style. I have to be super aroused for it not to be painful and I I sometimes feel a little disconnected from my husband but when I feel that way I just talk to him and we try to connect like kiss or hold hands. Open communication is very important. Praying for you.

  2. It’s funny how people are so different! Doggy style is one of my favorite positions partly because I can freely move, plus I very much enjoy being vulnerable with my husband. He enjoys my willingness to be vulnerable as well. Missionary is my least favorite because I actually feel pinned down and trapped.

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience. Do you climax in doggy style? I guess the stereotype is that doggy style is “for the husband” more than the wife, but I don’t know if that’s accurate.

      1. “I guess the stereotype is that doggy style is ‘for the husband’ more than the wife, but I don’t know if that’s accurate.”

        Some people might stereotype it that way, but it’s definitely not true overall. As I’ve said, it was my wife’s favorite position before we added the vibe, and it is even more so with the vibe. And she’s not an anomaly, as many surveys show doggy style to be a favorite for both sexes.

        And my wife absolutely O’s in doggy style + vibe. In fact, it’s the most stimulating thing in our tool belt.

        -Scott

  3. We both enjoy doggy style as part of our regular routine but we seldom finish that way. I like it because of the tightness EF spoke of and because I enjoy the view and my hands are free to reach almost any part of her body. She enjoys the penetration if properly prepared and the caressing from my free hands. It is not a position we can jump right into because she has to be prepared. We seldom finish that way because of the disconnection the writer spoke of. I am the more sensitive and cuddly half of our marriage (we don’t follow the stereotypes yet I am still the Christian man of the household) so I feel isolated more than she does so I usually want to switch to missionary to finish for that close face to face connection. Early on in our marriage she felt trapped in missionary as another commentator said. That took a couple decades of trusting one another for her to really enjoy that vulnerability of being totally under my control.

    One thing we do occasionally to spice things up and improve the intimacy of doggy style is do it standing up with her leaning on the bathroom counter so we can add eye contact in the mirror to the many other benefits previously mentioned. With the added eye contact and view of everything I am using ready to be done very quickly so we usually move on to the bed to wrap things up.

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience. Does your wife reach orgasm in doggy style, or does she climax a different way before or after?

  4. LT’s feelings make total sense to a part of her. And it is an opportunity for growth toward security and solidness in her identity if she is willing to handle the pressure and emotional discomfort of the process. Growth always involves pressure and discomfort, there’s no other way. Given that she says they have a loving relationship yet she felt violated, and given that feelings come from somewhere and are trying to help us, I suggest this is a trailhead that is worthy of following. LT does not need to reject her feelings of violation, on the contrary, she needs to accept and be grateful to that part of her that holds those feelings. She can be curious and literally ask that part of her to share its story. That part of her is protecting a wounded and vulnerable part of her that longs for healing yet is so tender that it needs protection. It can be a process that leads to healing and growth that goes way beyond a particular sexual position. It has for me.

  5. We use this position sometimes, usually after she’s climaxed already. I think we both like it about equally well. It creates a nice physical contact despite not much eye contact generally being possible.

  6. Kudos to LT for sharing her thoughts and working with her husband on their sex life. Here are some thoughts from a husband and wife who enjoy doggy style.

    1. On intimacy:

    Doggy style can be surprisingly intimate. As El Fury said Doggy is a position of passion, trust, and giving. My wife is giving me control of her body and trusting me. Her bending over says to me that she wants me to be her man, to pleasure her and be pleasured by her, and to be besotted only with her. It feels really special.

    Also for men doggy style is a non-verbal signal of the overwhelming attraction we feel towards our wives. Nothing says, “You are mine and I can’t have enough of you and your body” more than a husband thrusting passionately into his wife from behind.

    To heighten the intimacy you can use a mirror as Steve suggested to maintain the face to face contact. I would also suggest that your husband occasionally lean over to increase the physical contact, lightly kiss your back, or use his hands to stimulate the breasts or clitoris.

    He can also verbally express his pleasure and his feelings of love and connection to you. Be sure to tell him what feels good to you and what makes you feel most connected to him in this position.

    2. The pleasure.

    The deep penetration and powerful thrusting possible in this position create the greatest physical pleasure I have ever experienced.

    The view of her beautiful body is amazing and I have easy access to her breasts and clitoris.

    My wife also greatly enjoys the stimulation she receives in this position. Doggy Style is the only position in which she has O’ed during intercourse because of the passionate thrusting and the ease of access to her clitoris.

  7. There is a term called “aftercare” that is used in the bdsm community (not that doggy style is a bdsm act) and basically the dominant partner gives the submissive partner cuddles and affection while they process together what just happened. It sounds like this husband should try giving his wife lots of aftercare if they try this position again. He should also try talking to her during sex, saying things like “you’re so hot, you’re incredible, you feel amazing right now, you’re blowing my mind” and even if they don’t have eye contact, it will feel more intimate. The fact that I don’t have a “view” is the only thing I dislike about this position (other than the name — “doggy style” is just a terrible term and “rear entry” sounds like something else 😜). It is my most favorite position and I don’t find it demeaning at all! Fun fact, we were virgins on our wedding night and tried to have sex missionary style and my hymen was so tight that my new husband couldn’t penetrate at all… we tried several different angles, and it finally worked when he got behind me, so that is the position I lost my virginity in 🤣

    1. Really good tips and perspective here, thank you. I agree that the name “doggy style” is kinda bad, but the same can be said for almost every sex position name. “Missionary”???

  8. I truly applaud “LT” for being willing to share this on here and learn from others. Both SC and EF did a great job with this post, as have many of the commenters.

    I agree with Tory on the “aftercare” thing. I think this story would have had a much better ending if LT would not have gone to the bathroom to cry and instead had done it in her husband’s arms. That would have given the emotional intimacy she was needing. She needs to spill the beans to her husband at some point, which might end up in a crying session, but that’s okay if it’s what’s needed. Regardless, the husband needs to know if they’re to have good emotional intimacy.

    Finally, our experience with doggy style (or a variant of it) has been absolutely fantastic. It is my favorite position, and it is by far my wife’s favorite. It didn’t start out that way, with her not liking it the first time (tried on our honeymoon). We refined it over the years, and it absolutely became #1 once she was pregnant. Once we got her orgasming with the assistance of a vibrator (only took us 12+ years!), doggy style + vibe is by far the best sensation for her. Only “packing the suitcase” + vibe can come close, and it doesn’t feel quite as good nor as comfortable.

    These are, of course, physical sensations. However, we haven’t really run into emotional issues. Interestingly, despite being fine with doing it, my wife is somewhat ashamed/embarrassed by her favorite position being doggy style and would be “horrified” if anyone found out. In terms of emotions during the act, she trusts me, and I almost always talk to her during the action, plus I often thank her for “sharing her body with me” afterwards.

    As others have mentioned, a mirror for eye contact could help. You could also try other rear-entry positions that might be different emotionally as stepping stones. Spooning (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/spoon/) and Man on Fire (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/man-on-fire/) come to mind. Another option is to not have him finish that way until you’re more comfortable with it. Also, I think, for us, an important part is getting feedback from her and adjusting my thrusting to give her maximum pleasure…it makes it more about her than me. In the end, she finds doggy really hot and enjoyable…definitely not demeaning or degrading.

    All that said, I often do switch to another position after she O’s for some face-to-face time.

    -Scott

      1. My wife always wields the vibrator, as her pleasurable spot(s) move around during arousal (and with her cycle), so she needs the inner feedback loop to hit her good spots.

        I’ve mentioned our primary vibe here before, which is like a large bullet vibe. It is the We-Vibe Touch (https://marrieddance.com/shop/vibrators/clitoris-cuddlers/we-vibe-touch/). It is a deep/rumbly vibe that uses the same motor as the We-Vibe Tango, which is often considered the most powerful bullet available.

        We’ve also had success with the Dame Fin (https://marrieddance.com/shop/vibrators/finger-vibrators/fin/). That was the first vibe we used. It’s definitely weaker and less rumbly, so my wife strongly prefers the Touch. However, this one is smaller and incredibly ergonomic.

        -Scott

  9. I think that a few things can help someone in this mindset.
    1. Put a long mirror on the wall in front of wherever you are doing doggy style so the wife and husband can both look at what’s happening.

    2. The husband can make sure the wife orgasms first and then move to the doggy position. This will actually make that position more arousing for the wife and more enjoyable.

    3. She can hold a vibrator on her clitoris while in this position so that it feels mutually beneficial.

    Those would be my thoughts to help it become a more intimate time.

    1. Good tips. I don’t think we’ve ever used a mirror.

      We almost always ensure that SC climaxes before we start doggy style.

      What kind of vibrator would you recommend for doggy style? It always seems clumsy for SC to hold one in this position, and I can’t reach around very easily.

  10. I can see where the poster is coming from. I used to feel extremely insecure about the doggy style position, as I was (am) terrified that my husband is actually thinking of someone else when making love to me. It may be irrational, but I cannot stop worrying about it. I have to know that my husband is thinking of only me when we are making love. Also the way this position is usually portrayed in porn or movies is disgusting. However, I think it is possible to make doggy style intimate and loving and equal. We have managed to make it work for us. First, communicate! Tell your husband how it makes you feel, tell him how it is importnat for you to feel secure and connected during sex. I’m sure he loves you, and I am sure he will understand. Actually, talk during it. Talk to each other while having sex, particularly in the doggy style position. Of course, absolutely no dirty talk, only sweet loving talk. In your comment it sounded like you felt alone (perhaps your husband was too lost in the new sensation, but you should reach out and communicate). My husband and I are always trying to steal glances at each other and talk to each other. It could be as simple as “I love you” or “How are you?”, or a little compliment.  What I enjoy doing is turning around, saying “Honey” as if I need to urgently tell him something, and when he stops to ask me what is wrong I just say “I love you”. It is so fun, it catches him every time and we both laugh about it. Turn the position into something cute and silly and intimate. Second, slow it down, and slow it down a lot! Did you do it hard and fast? I would have hated every second of it too. I told my husband that I have to feel secure and loved when we are having sex. I also told him that if we are going to do it doggy we need to do it gently, and he needs to lean over and kiss me frequently to tell me how beautiful I look (LOL). So for us, doggy style is actually the slowest and gentlest position (weird right?). Third, like you’ve already found out, do not forget your hands. Ask your husband to hold your hand during it, if that makes you feel more connected.  Alternatively, ask him to hold your breasts or your tummy, whatever feels most intimate and special to you (both times that I was pregnant, I would have my husband gently hold my big belly – that was so beautiful and intimate on so many levels). If you need him to hold your hand the entire time to make you feel more connected to him, that is what he needs to do! Most importantly, do not be afraid to talk to your husband about your feelings and what you need to feel safe. My husband and I often hold hands when we are in the rear entry position. In fact, it is almost always my husband who reaches out to take my hand because he knows that it makes me feel more secure and that it is important to me. When he takes my hand I always turn around , smile, squeeze his hand and we whisper I love yous or other sweetness to each other before carrying on. Use these moments when you touch or take each other’s hands to stop, connect, talk, reassure each other. Do not be afraid to slow it down and connect. Talk. Make eye contact. Turn around and kiss him deeply. I honestly think because we have to work harder to make the rear entry position intimate and loving, we land up making it more special, and gentle than even missionary as we often rely on eye contact alone in that position to make it intimate sometimes forgetting  all the other elements. Also, maybe adjust the position to make it even more loving. Perhaps try the spoons position instead. Technically, it is still rear-entry: you get a different sensation, but you are very close and your husband can easily hold you in his arms, kiss you and make you feel safe as you are making love. Lastly, make it just one of the positions that you explore, but not finish in. I think my husband finished once or twice while we were doing it doggy (by accident). We try not to ever finish like that. We always switch to face to face for the final round because to me it is very important that he looks me in the eye when he orgasms. I need him to see me (and only me!) as he orgasms and I also want to see him during these special moments. Remember, if you are in a loving relationship, you can make any sexual position loving and intimate with a few adjustments. Good luck.      

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