You’re on your honeymoon having a great time, and your spouse decides to go for a run on the beach for an hour or so.
You hear a knock at the door. When you crack it open, you see your spouse standing there, wearing different clothes and looking slightly off.
Your spouse says, “Hello! I know this is hard to believe, but the reason I look a little strange is that I’m 10 years older and I traveled back in time. I’ve got important time traveler business to take care of, but I wanted to drop in and see you. I knew that present-me would be out on a run right now. In the future our marriage is awesome and everything turns out great for us. I really shouldn’t tell you too many details — you understand.”
You aren’t sure how to respond, but you know your spouse is telling the truth.
Your spouse continues: “Well, we’ve got almost an hour. You look great. You can’t tell present-me about any of this when I come back from my run, but don’t worry… I’ll be thrilled about this encounter in 10 years when I come up with the idea… and I’ve learned a few techniques that present-me won’t figure out for a while. Want to have sex?”
We’ve been drawing an activity from our adult advent calendar every morning this month, and yesterday we drew one of Sexy Corte’s ideas: “pirates and poetry”. It’s exactly what it sounds like: we dressed up like sexy pirates, read poetry, and played with each other before having sex. SC put eyeliner on me, and I basically looked like this:
(Update: SC says I was handsomer.)
Sexy Corte dressed as a sexy pirate wench in a red corset, stockings, a white peasant skirt… and that’s it. Super hot.
It’s important to draw the advent activity in the morning (instead of evening) for two reasons:
Sexual energy builds up when you know what’s coming.
You have time to prepare!
So yesterday at lunch I wrote a bawdy pirate sonnet. Feel free to read it to your spouse — see if it makes her blush!
Pirate captains are not romantic rogues,
Despite the stories on screens big and small.
They pill’ge and plunder everywhere they go,
D’spoiling booty in every port of call.
Many wenches yearn for salty sea-men,
With shining eyes and flirty p’laver frank.
But wenches’ mouths have nobl’r pirate function:
Walking with her lips his engor’ged plank.
Yet his heart may soften as he oft’ moors,
Nigh well-plumbed depths ’round the vicinity
f’Hidden grotto, warm and wet, his hoard,
Where sinks his laden ship repeatedly.
Where a hardened pirate seeks deepest rest,
And buries little pirates in her treasure chest.
I got a terrible case of the hiccups when I was paying for dinner — I could barely talk to the server! I did everything I could think of to make them go away: drinking water, holding my breath, and so forth. Nothing worked. It was agonizing.
We finally paid, loaded the kids in the car, and started driving home. My hiccups were worse than ever when Sexy Corte whispered to me: “I’ll give you a BJ if you stop hiccuping right now.”
And the hiccups stopped immediately! I was doubly happy, and SC thought it was hilarious.
The internet has completely let me down: I can’t find a video of the scene from Malcolm in the Middle that made me and Sexy Corte crack up last night. We’ve really been enjoying this show recently (thanks Netflix), and it amuses us that we now identify with the parents rather than the kids. Hal and Lois’s relationship is great. The episode we watched last night, “Malcolm’s Girlfriend”, has a scene with the parents laying in bed discussing Malcolm’s distraction by a crush:
Hal: Certain things are beyond the boy’s control. It’s his genetics. Girls, they just swoon. Sorry, what am I telling you for? You battle with it every day. There’s nothing we can do.
Lois: Oh, yes, there is! I can ground him, and I can ground him till he graduates from Harvard.
Hal: He’s gonna pull away, then we’ll have another Francis on our hands.
Lois: Are you blaming Francis on me?
Lois: That’s what you said!
Hal: No, I meant that… Lois, let’s not have this veer off into us somehow not having sex tonight.
Yeah, we’ve been there before! A perfectly normal conversation somehow tricks foot into my mouth, and then my only concern is trying to steer back onto the path that was gliding towards sex.
When your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service, it is fun to find new ways to spice up boring chores. You can accomplish a task as well as make your spouse feel loved AND have fun in the process. One of my least favorite chores is cleaning the ceiling fans. I do this chore about once a year. This last round as I got started I decided to do the fan in El Fury’s office last. This allowed me some time to plan a sexy surprise for him. First I made sure to let him overhear me complain about how hot it was. I removed some of my clothing, pulled a chair into his office and set about my task. I immediately had his attention. For me, this was very sexy, to feel like I had captivated him. I loved having his eyes on my while I slowly cleaned his ceiling fan and removed the rest of my clothing in the process. I pulled my hair up as the final touch.
Without saying a word, I walked over and sucked him off in his chair.
I can’t count how many times he has talked about this. He felt loved in a way that most deeply connects to him. Combining your spouse’s love language with sex is a powerful way to speak love into their soul. What is your spouse’s love language? How can you bring that into your sex life?
Even when you have a healthy sex life there are sometimes outside circumstances that can prevent you from coming together with your spouse. El Fury and I recently went through one of these periods. We had family staying with us, both of us were sick, I was on my period, one of our kids was up all night for a few days in a row. We were both exhausted. Our sex life got out of whack for a few weeks and it made our relationship feel strained. We both felt stressed and like we weren’t connecting. I felt like I was being short with him and with our kids.
First Corinthians 7:5 says “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Now this verse is obviously talking about prayer, but the point is the same. You need to come together regularly with your spouse. If you deprive one another of sex it leaves you open to temptation. This could be temptation other than sexual immorality. When I feel like my relationship with EF is “off”, I am much less gentle, kind and loving toward everyone. I am more easily angered, selfish and self-pitying. Sex with your spouse sets the tone for your marriage.
EF and I were able to get back on track once things slowed down and we were healthy and well rested again. Coming together was a sweet reunion. But I hope we learned from this experience. No matter how crazy your life may seem at the moment, it’s not asking much to find 30 minutes to connect with your spouse. When you do, you can handle all the crazy with a much more gracious attitude.