We had a very bad ice storm hit Oklahoma earlier this week if you haven’t heard. Sadly, we lost our massive and beautiful oak tree out front. I spent most of yesterday cutting it up. Afterwards when I came inside to take a shower my wife was waiting for me in her sexy robe. She said, “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t pay you for your chainsaw work, but maybe we can work something out”…
Sexy Corte and I just had an awesome experience: sex outside at night under the Perseid Meteor Shower. We were watching the meteors with the kids for a while, but eventually they went inside for bed and we were left alone on a blanket under the stars. We had two firsts: first time to be completely naked outside, and first time for Sexy Corte to have an orgasm outside! It was amazing. What will always stick with me is the image of my lovely wife on top of me, silhouetted against the starry sky, with meteors flashing around her naked body as she climaxed.
You’re on your honeymoon having a great time, and your spouse decides to go for a run on the beach for an hour or so.
You hear a knock at the door. When you crack it open, you see your spouse standing there, wearing different clothes and looking slightly off.
Your spouse says, “Hello! I know this is hard to believe, but the reason I look a little strange is that I’m 10 years older and I traveled back in time. I’ve got important time traveler business to take care of, but I wanted to drop in and see you. I knew that present-me would be out on a run right now. In the future our marriage is awesome and everything turns out great for us. I really shouldn’t tell you too many details — you understand.”
You aren’t sure how to respond, but you know your spouse is telling the truth.
Your spouse continues: “Well, we’ve got almost an hour. You look great. You can’t tell present-me about any of this when I come back from my run, but don’t worry… I’ll be thrilled about this encounter in 10 years when I come up with the idea… and I’ve learned a few techniques that present-me won’t figure out for a while. Want to have sex?”
We’ve been drawing an activity from our adult advent calendar every morning this month, and yesterday we drew one of Sexy Corte’s ideas: “pirates and poetry”. It’s exactly what it sounds like: we dressed up like sexy pirates, read poetry, and played with each other before having sex. SC put eyeliner on me, and I basically looked like this:
(Update: SC says I was handsomer.)
Sexy Corte dressed as a sexy pirate wench in a red corset, stockings, a white peasant skirt… and that’s it. Super hot.
It’s important to draw the advent activity in the morning (instead of evening) for two reasons:
Sexual energy builds up when you know what’s coming.
You have time to prepare!
So yesterday at lunch I wrote a bawdy pirate sonnet. Feel free to read it to your spouse — see if it makes her blush!
Pirate captains are not romantic rogues, Despite the stories on screens big and small. They pill’ge and plunder everywhere they go, D’spoiling booty in every port of call.
Many wenches yearn for salty sea-men, With shining eyes and flirty p’laver frank. But wenches’ mouths have nobl’r pirate function: Walking with her lips his engor’ged plank.
Yet his heart may soften as he oft’ moors, Nigh well-plumbed depths ’round the vicinity f’Hidden grotto, warm and wet, his hoard, Where sinks his laden ship repeatedly.
Where a hardened pirate seeks deepest rest, And buries little pirates in her treasure chest.
I got a terrible case of the hiccups when I was paying for dinner — I could barely talk to the server! I did everything I could think of to make them go away: drinking water, holding my breath, and so forth. Nothing worked. It was agonizing.
We finally paid, loaded the kids in the car, and started driving home. My hiccups were worse than ever when Sexy Corte whispered to me: “I’ll give you a BJ if you stop hiccuping right now.”
And the hiccups stopped immediately! I was doubly happy, and SC thought it was hilarious.
The internet has completely let me down: I can’t find a video of the scene from Malcolm in the Middle that made me and Sexy Corte crack up last night. We’ve really been enjoying this show recently (thanks Netflix), and it amuses us that we now identify with the parents rather than the kids. Hal and Lois’s relationship is great. The episode we watched last night, “Malcolm’s Girlfriend”, has a scene with the parents laying in bed discussing Malcolm’s distraction by a crush:
Hal: Certain things are beyond the boy’s control. It’s his genetics. Girls, they just swoon. Sorry, what am I telling you for? You battle with it every day. There’s nothing we can do.
Lois: Oh, yes, there is! I can ground him, and I can ground him till he graduates from Harvard.
Hal: He’s gonna pull away, then we’ll have another Francis on our hands.
Lois: Are you blaming Francis on me?
Lois: That’s what you said!
Hal: No, I meant that… Lois, let’s not have this veer off into us somehow not having sex tonight.
Yeah, we’ve been there before! A perfectly normal conversation somehow tricks foot into my mouth, and then my only concern is trying to steer back onto the path that was gliding towards sex.