We get this question from readers a lot, so here are a few techniques for delaying the husband’s orgasm. Every man is different, so what works for one may not work for another. These ideas are also no substitute for talking with your doctor if you think you may have a medical issue.

  • Have an orgasm earlier in the day. Enlist your wife’s help in the morning so that you can last longer in the evening for her benefit.
  • Shallower penetration. In general, the the more surface area of your penis is being stimulated the faster you’ll climax. Control depth to control orgasm. Focusing on just the head of the penis will maintain stimulation but probably make it much harder to climax.
  • Reduce visual stimulation. Men tend to be visual creatures. The more you can see of your wife and the actual penetration the harder it will be to delay orgasm. Same goes for auditory stimulation. Reduce these stimulants to avoid going over the edge.
  • Switch to a different position. Changing positions can be enough to slow things down and give you a chance to back off from your orgasm. If you need to, switch to a less comfortable position (for you) — for example, if you’re used to lying down, try a standing or kneeling position instead. (Assuming you want your wife to climax first, keep her comfy!)
  • Gently tug on the balls. The husband or wife can wrap a hand around the husband’s balls and gently pull them away from his body. Depending on your position his balls can be hard to reach, but this works well in positions other than face-to-face, like doggy style and oral.
  • Think unsexy thoughts. This doesn’t work very well for me, but it seems like the #1 suggestion from others.
  • Train yourself to be aroused by your wife’s orgasms. I’m not exactly sure how I’ve accomplished this… I’ll need to think about it and write another blog post. I can hold off my orgasm for a long time until Sexy Corte has hers — and then I fall off the cliff. I think I’ve conditioned myself to have an orgasm in response to hers.

Do you have any other tips for delaying the husband’s orgasm? Leave a comment and share your wisdom.

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We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

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Many readers have told us that our post about Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality has been eye-opening, but what if neither you nor your spouse is sexually spontaneous? What if you’re both responsive?

First, let’s remind ourselves of what spontaneous and responsive sexuality are.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous.

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex.

There’s more at the link, so go read the whole post and then come back here.

Ok, ready to continue?

Remember than just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s “good”, and uncommon things aren’t necessarily “bad”. Most husbands are sexually spontaneous, and most wives are sexually responsive, but sometimes the situation is reversed (which is fine) and sometimes both spouses are spontaneous (which is probably amazing). And sometimes both spouses are sexually responsive — which can mean that sex rarely happens because no one initiates it, leaving both spouses frustrated.

Sexually responsive people get aroused during sex play, but if the sex play never starts then they won’t have anything to respond to. So the challenge for a couple who are both responsive is to get the party started. Neither spouse may feel “in the mood” at first, but once they get going they’ll both think, “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!”

Now what we’ve described the situation, here are a few ideas for how a responsive couple can kick things off:

  • Be open to sex. Openness is critical for sexually responsive people, and doubly so when both spouses are responsive. Be open to sex even when you aren’t in the mood yet. Give yourself a chance to warm up. Let your body get aroused and your mind will follow. Similarly, be willing to work on your spouse’s body even when neither of you is aroused yet. It may feel awkward or silly to touch each other sexually when you aren’t aroused, but get used to it and be open to working towards arousal.
  • Put sex on the schedule. Scheduling sex gets a bad rap sometimes, but when you’re busy and sexually responsive it’s likely that sex won’t push its way into your lives on its own. Days and weeks can go by until you realize that you haven’t had sex in a while and your relationship is suffering because of it. You have to intentionally make time and energy for sex.
  • Create the Habit of Daily Sex. Even better than merely scheduling sex, create the expectation in your marriage that you’ll have sex every day. Instead of assuming that you won’t have sex unless you talk about having it, assume that you will have sex unless you talk about not having it. Try having sex every day for a month and you’ll be shocked at what a difference it makes in your marriage.
  • Use sex games to stimulate your minds. Arousal doesn’t have to start with physical touch! Pick a sex game to play and it will help arouse your mind and body. A structured game or activity can reduce the uncertainty or awkwardness of sexual engagement before arousal begins. Let the game itself “initiate” the sexual encounter, while you both respond to it.
  • Foreplay all day random generator. Similarly to sex games, let the foreplay-all-day generator tell you what to do. Sexually responsive people will respond to external sexual stimuli no matter the source, so intentionally introduce stimulation for you both to respond to. If you want to make it super-structured, set an alarm for every hour, reload the generator, and text your spouse whatever pops up. (Ahem.)

Do you have any other tips to share for stimulating sex when both spouses are responsive? Leave a comment and let us know!

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Wife “HD” says that despite enjoying sex with her husband, sex is often the furthest thing from her mind.

I have a bit of a problem. Growing up, sex was something that I thought/felt was wrong. I didn’t date much mostly because I was afraid of the relationship getting too close to sex. When I started dating my now-husband I was smitten! I wished so badly that we were married all the time so we could be intimate. Now that we are it seems like sex is the furthest thing from my mind. He tells me every so often that he isn’t getting enough. My immediate response is guilt and shame and that motivates me to have sex because I want to make my husband happy and because I don’t want to feel guilty. Once those feelings of guilt and shame have subsided, I fall back into my old way of not thinking much about sex or doing much about it.

I know that this is toxic to our marriage but I honestly don’t know how to change. It’s not that I can’t do it, or don’t have the resources to come up with ideas, it seems like an issue with my heart and also probably my way of thinking. I want to have sex with my husband because I love him and I want our relationship to grow, not out of guilt and shame. Do you have any advice you could offer?

HD and I exchanged a few emails. Her situation isn’t uncommon, and I have a set of questions for wives who are feeling this way. I wrote back:

Thanks for your email! It can be hard to go from growing up and having the perception that sex is wrong to then be expected to flip a switch when you get married and love sex. Sex, with how natural it is, takes some learning to enjoy. Sex is a gift from God, and having the right attitude towards it allows you to enjoy that gift to the fullest. I have a few questions that will help me answer your question. :)

Do you orgasm when you have sex with your husband? This can be a tricky thing to figure out! It seems that many people don’t know that most women need some help to be able to orgasm during sex.

Do you take time together to explore what your body enjoys?

Are you comfortable with giving feedback? When he is doing something you like, make sure to reinforce that, but you also need to tell him when it is not enjoyable so that he can learn your body.

Do you pray for your sex life? Pray that it would honor God, that you would enjoy it, that your heart would change towards it. Let me know about those questions and hopefully I can give you some guidance.

HD replied:

I actually do orgasm. Pretty much every time we have sex, even a few times.

I feel like my husband is great at doing what feels good and I try to tell him when I like something and when I don’t. I think that we do well at exploring and giving feedback.

However, sex is just the furthest thing from my mind most of the time. Many times it still feels like I am doing something wrong or that I should not be thinking about sex. And sometimes It feels even like an inconvenience, which I feel really awful about. If I want to pursue him, which he loves, it takes a lot more effort for me and I don’t get as excited about it because the “perfect moment” that I plan usually gets foiled by something else and that feels discouraging.

I have been trying to pray about it a lot more and I even started a devotional/ Bible study on the topic. Some days it goes great but other days it feels a lot harder. I still feel like I am not hitting the mark.

I hope that makes sense! 

My final response was:

Thanks HD, that’s helpful! I have a few thoughts, hopefully they can help. I think it could help to develop some new patterns of thinking in regards to sex. The Bible speaks a lot about sex, and when it talks about sex within the bounds of marriage, it is a gift, and something God created for humans to enjoy. Dig into scripture – Song of Solomon, Proverbs 5:15-19, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Pray and meditate over the Song of Solomon, some of the imagery in there can make me blush! The point, God created sex for you to enjoy within marriage. Make a list of the positive aspects of your sex life, and make it a point to reflect on those. The more that you create positive pathways of thinking, the easier it will be for your mind to travel along those paths.

You also mentioned creating the ‘perfect moment’. It’s easy to set up high expectations that deflate our enthusiasm when they are not met. When you allow some space that things will happen in an unpredictable way, it will ease the burden and allow you to enjoy the moment more. Life is made up of a multitude of little moments, and the more you focus on the quality of those little moments, the less weight the big moments carry. And where do you live the vast majority of your life? It’s in the small stuff. So don’t shy away from planning stuff with your husband, plan it and let it unfold in its own way.

Don’t feel discouraged when you don’t feel like having sex. Our bodies and desires ebb and flow with our cycles, so just because you don’t hit the mark one day doesn’t mean you can’t try again tomorrow. It sounds like you are making your sex life a priority, and hopefully you will start to hit the mark more and more. Remember that sex is a lifelong part of marriage, and you can choose to make it great rather than see it as a duty. Our perceptions shape our experience, and it takes a lot of work to make sure our perceptions are on the right aim, but it is worth tending.

I hope this helps. I prayed for you now! It sounds like you are already on the right path, and you care, so that alone will help things to improve.

God bless!

We try to always pray for our readers immediately when we receive emails, so we don’t forget later. Our advice may or may not be helpful, but there’s no doubt that God hears and answers prayer!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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We haven’t done a link round-up since Christmas! Time flies.

Awaken Love has several great posts we want to link to.

What Will It Take to Make Sex Happen? — Maybe the wife could rev up her indicators of interest or the husband could make himself more lustable.

It’s Okay You Have to Learn How to Have Great Sex — Great sex takes communication, practice, and effort from both spouses.

56 Sexy Truth or Dare Bedroom Game — I’m going to steal a few of these when I get around to updating our Random Sexual Truth-Or-Dare page.

Crossed Manual Stimulation Technique — Here’s a fingering technique we haven’t seen before: the husband crosses his fingers and twists them inside the wife.

How to Give Your Husband a Blowjob — Father’s Day has passed, but I’m sure he won’t object.

“What if we had sex for 60 days in a row?” — Intimacy will increase in all areas of your marriage, and you’ll get a lot better at sex.

Shannon Ethridge links to a TED talk: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm by Mary Roach.

Is it ok for a wife to tie up her husband and dominate him during sex? — Yes. Sex play is play. As long as both spouses are consenting then there’s nothing wrong with tying each other up or role-playing with power dynamics.

Perifit: The Video Game That Helps Your Pelvic Floor! — Kegel exercise video game. “Squeeze to turn!”

Need more links?! Check out 30 more Christian sex links from The Forgiven Wife. Need more sex Q&A? Jay Dee has you covered.

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After posting How To Admire Your Husband’s Penis (and the related podcast episode) we received a couple of emails asking for advice on how a husband can admire his wife’s body. We’re going to tackle that question in this post, beginning with some advice for a wife on how to present her body to her husband for his admiration and attention.

A husband usually isn’t hesitant to flaunt his penis in front of his wife, particularly during a sexual encounter, but many women are shy about their bodies even with their husbands. We receive frequent emails from female readers who suffer from body shame in one form or another, which is very common in our culture today. On this blog we encourage readers to put an effort into being fit and attractive for their spouses, but you’ve got to maintain realistic expectations for yourself and your spouse. This blog can’t solve everyone’s body fears (not even our own), but for the purposes of this post we’re going to assume that you can overcome any anxiety you may have over your body and put your best self forward for your spouse!

“Presentation is everything” generally refers to food, but men are visual creatures and our hunger is naturally drawn to anything that looks tasty — including our wives. In Get (and Give) a Better View of the Action we shared some tips for positioning your bodies during sex so that you can watch the penetration happening, but in this post we’re going to focus on foreplay. Wife, your husband wants to see your naked body! All of it. He wants to devour you with his eyes (and hopefully his mouth too). When you discard your shyness and anxiety and present your body to him, he will make it worth your while.

Here are some tips for how a wife can present her body to her husband:

  • Naked. Sexy lingerie is fine for some occasions, but for the purposes of sexual presentation you want to be naked and uncovered. Let him see your whole body.
  • Clean. Be clean and well-groomed. Make yourself appetizing. Wash, shave, brush your teeth, etc.
  • Unashamed. Don’t be shy and withdrawn, be bold! Put yourself out there, mind and body. Shoulders back. Back arched. Head up.
  • Vulnerable. Be willing to be vulnerable in front of your husband. Let him see and touch you. Don’t shy away from his eyes or hands.
  • Open. Keep an open posture — spread your legs open to reveal your lady bits; keep your arms down at your sides or behind your back to expose your breasts; keep your head up and your eyes open.
  • Inviting. If your husband is shy, invite him to look at you and touch you. Ask him how he wants you to position yourself, or if he wants you to touch yourself. Help him to be comfortable admiring you.
  • Submissive. Follow your husband’s lead. Even if he’s being shy, invite him to take control of you. Ask him to lead you, and then do what he says.
  • Eye contact. Keep your eyes on your husband. You don’t need to stare constantly into his eyes, but make sure he has your attention while he admires you.
  • Enthusiastic and responsive. Don’t be reluctant or hesitant, or your husband might back off. Be enthusiastic for him and respond to his admiration with obvious pleasure.

There are several positions that are particularly good for a wife to present herself to her husband. The purpose of these positions is to give your husband a good view of your body and to make your body available for his admiration and enjoyment.

  • Standing. Stand up straight, spread your feet shoulder-width apart, put your shoulders back, put your arms behind your back, arch your back, and hold your head up.
  • Kneeling. Sit on your heels with your knees spread, hands on your thighs, shoulders back, back arched, head up.
  • Spread-eagle. Lie on your back with your legs open and your arms over your head or at your sides. You can keep your legs flat, or lift your knees, or lift your legs up into the air depending on how good of a view you want to give your husband.
  • Doggy-style. On your hands and knees, with your butt facing your husband. Knees slightly apart, back arched. Keep your head up and look back at your husband over your shoulder — you’ll probably see a look of pure lust on his face.

Now that the wife is presenting herself, what can the husband do to admire her body? We’re going to copy some of the ideas from How to Admire Your Husband’s Penis and adapt them for a husband admiring his wife.

  • Don’t be afraid of your wife’s body. If your wife is using the ideas above, she’s presenting her body to you because she wants you to look at her and touch her. Don’t be shy. She’s inviting you in. If you hesitate or act uncomfortable she’s going to notice and feel self-conscious herself. Your boldness and eagerness for her will increase your wife’s confidence.
  • Explore your wife’s body. Use your eyes, hands, fingers, and mouth to explore your wife’s body. When your wife presents herself to you don’t jump straight into sex — take some time to enjoy the meal! Don’t focus exclusively on her sexual parts; show her that you admire her whole body. Go slowly. Show your admiration for her body through your touch.
  • Be confident and take control. Your wife is making herself vulnerable and submissive, so you need to lead the activities. Don’t be reluctant to tell her how to move or position herself, but remember that the focus is on her body, not yours! Guide her to the behavior that will help you pleasure and admire her. Try telling her what to do instead of moving her yourself — give her an opportunity to be submissive.
  • Admire your wife’s physicality. Tell your wife how much you love her body. Be specific: what do you like about it? Not just what parts, but what qualities? For example:
    • “I love the way you smell”
    • “I love the way you taste”
    • “You’re so soft and warm”
    • “Your breasts look amazing”
    • “I love the way you feel in my hands”
    • “I want to feel myself slide into you”
    • “Looking at you makes me so hard”
    • “I can’t help staring at you”
    • “I’ve been wanting to see you like this all day”
    • “You’re so wet, you must want something”
  • Tell her what you’re going to do to her sexually. Just like men, women want to be wanted. Tell your wife how much you want to make love with her, and what you want to do with her.
    • “I can’t wait to get my hands all over you”
    • “I’m going to make you scream in pleasure”
    • “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body”
    • “I’m going to eat you out till you beg me to stop”
    • “I’m going to explode if I can’t get inside you”
  • Responsiveness during sex. Admire your wife’s body while you’re having sex.
    • Moaning and groaning in general are sexy. Don’t act deceptivelyjust verbalize the pleasure you’re feeling.
    • “Your body feels so good against me”
    • “You’re so tight on me”
    • “You feel so good in my arms”
    • “I love feeling your legs wrapped around me”
    • “You look so sexy when you ride me”
    • “I’m going to explode inside you”
    • “I can’t wait to feel your orgasm”
  • Admire her body after sex. Tell your wife how much you enjoyed her body.
    • “Your body is amazing”
    • “You’re so sexy”
    • “I love the way you were moving”
    • “I love holding you while you orgasm”
    • “It feels so good to come inside you”
    • “You know just how to touch me”
    • “I never want to let your body go”

Whew, that’s a long post! Hopefully these ideas will help wives be open and vulnerable with their bodies, and help husbands to show admiration and love for their wives. If you’ve got any more ideas or questions, leave a comment below!

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Here are some concrete ways for a wife to admire and enjoy her husband’s sexuality.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

How to Admire Your Husband’s Penis: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/how-to-admire-your-husbands-penis/

Maximizing Semen Enjoyment: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/information/maximizing-semen-volume/

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/

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Sexual responsiveness is critical for creating exciting, pleasurable, and memorable sexual encounters.

If this podcast is a blessing to your marriage, please leave a 5-star review and tell a friend!

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/)

The Importance of Enthusiasm (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/)

Bondage for Beginners: What, Why, and How (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/bondage-for-beginners-what-why-and-how/)

How to Increase Intimacy During Sex (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/how-to-increase-intimacy-during-sex/)

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Enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Related blog posts:

The Importance of Enthusiasm (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-enthusiasm/)

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/)

Sexy Adult Jenga (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/sexy-adult-jenga/)

Naked Marco Polo (https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/stories/naked-marco-polo/)

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Dr. Cindy M. Meston from the University of Texas at Austin explains that the key to female sexual arousal is excitement, not relaxation.

“For years we were told, ‘Have a bubble bath, calm down, listen to relaxing music, do deep breathing exercises, chill out before sex,'” she says.

“But my research shows the opposite, that you actually want to get women in an active state.

“So, you can run around the block with your partner and get them to chase you around the block, or watch a scary movie together, ride a roller-coaster together, even a good comedy act. If you really get laughing, you’re going to have a sympathetic activation response.”

Meston is talking about the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for subconscious muscle contractions that get us ready for the flight or fight mode, like heart rate and blood pressure. She has found that if this system is activated before sex it will help women respond more intensely and more quickly.

Paul Byerly at The XY Code has a great story about excitement:

I recall a time when Lori thought I had fallen off a cliff (I had not). We went home and had really good sex. Now I know the reason for that was the adrenaline running through her system. Likewise, this is why teenage boys used to like to take a girl to a scary movie; their chances of something sexual in the back seat of the car were much better after such a movie.

We write a lot about games, activities, and novelty on our blog because they create excitement! Wives tend to be sexually responsive and usually don’t even realize when they’re becoming aroused!

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Husbands and wives should both ponder that statistic for a while: a woman’s body often gets aroused before her mind does, and she won’t even notice.

Do you want to kick up the intensity of your sex life? Here are a few ideas from previous posts:

How do you get your sympathetic nervous system revved up? Leave a comment and let us know!

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