Sex Q&A: Childbirth, High-Libido Wives, and Encouragement 1

We’re grateful for all the emails we receive from our readers! We’re very humbled to be asked for help and advice, and we’re blessed to receive so much encouragement. We think these emails may be encouraging to you, our readers, because they demonstrate that every marriage has sexual challenges, and that there’s hope for every couple to have an awesome and fulfilling sex life.

Husband “NL” asks about sex after childbirth:

I have a question about sex after childbirth. My wife had a baby 12 weeks ago and we tried to have sex after about 8 weeks . I used to give her massages sometimes to help get things in the mood.

This time she wanted me to give her one, so she was laying face down on the bed and I was on top of her rubbing her back , but she hadn’t showered since the morning, I tried to give her a massage but she also still has large hemorrhoids, that along with the fact she smelt slightly was just such a turn off for me I couldn’t do it.

I tried not to tell her why but steer things in a different direction and just kiss face to face . But she kept insisting on a massage, I finally told her that I couldn’t give her a massage cause she smelt.

Then she felt all rejected and is refusing to try and have sex again.

I wouldn’t expect her to give me a massage if I’d worked all day

I’m not really sure what to do?

Women have a lot of hormones and emotions after having a baby and that can continue for a while. For me, I felt so sensitive and cried easily. It’s not rational at all, just chemical. The good news is that it does get better! But for a while, be extra sensitive towards your wife and encourage her a lot. Tell her she is beautiful, how thankful you are for all of the work she did, how amazing it is that she was able to give birth to a child, what a great mom she is. You know she is tired but she is doing great. She needs to hear all of that frequently. Deep down she probably knows that she could have used a shower that day, but I’m sure she still felt embarrassed. I don’t know if she is still upset at this point, but at least tell her that you are sorry and don’t try to preface it or justify with why. Just follow it up with encouragement. I’m not sure if you have had sex yet, but having sex after delivering a baby is really scary the first time or two. When you get to that point, go slow, and reassure her that you will go slow, and that any time if she is uncomfortable you will stop. It meant so much to me that I could trust El Fury with that. Also, I would encourage you to find your wife’s love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving, quality time) and go above and beyond to show her love in that way. I hope this helps! Enjoy this time and your new baby!

Wife “HL” asks about initiating sex:

I have found your site to be refreshing for our marriage. Growing up in a Christian home, sex always seemed “bad”. It was something that was never talked about and complete off limits until marriage.

I think this has definitely shaped how my sex life is today. My husband and I have been married for just about 9 years. Sex has not ever been something that I initiated. We have had long stretches of no intimacy and with three kids under 5- it is still very difficult for me to prioritize intimacy.

I enjoy sex – it’s just the “getting there” that is difficult.

My question is how do I initiate sex now that I haven’t in so long? How do I introduce some of the games that you talk about-without feeling embarrassed? How would I go about purchasing a toy, without it being odd because that hasn’t been me in the past?

I am sure a lot of my issues come form low confidence and self esteem. But where is the best place to begin?

Hope that all makes sense! Thanks for listening and I look forward to your reply.

These are great questions. At one time we had three kids under the age of five, so I can completely understand how you feel! For “getting there” you almost have to take it day by day and be opportunistic if you can. If you feel good in the morning, have sex in the morning. If your husband is home in the afternoon and the kids are napping, have sex then. I tried to be mindful of my urges, and when those occurred we tried to have sex right then.

For the initiation aspect, start with communication. I think you could sit down with your husband and tell him, “I have been thinking about our sex life and want to try some new things. I want to hear your ideas too, but here is what I’m thinking. What do you think about introducing some games? How would you feel if I initiated sex and do you have any ideas about how I could do that? Do you have any thoughts about our sex life and what you would like to add or improve?” I think if you involve him in the planning then it won’t seem so out of the blue. The more you talk about sex the easier it gets to talk about. It can feel awkward at first talking about it, but it’s such an important part of your marriage to communicate about. Maybe start with that and then work up to the toys, etc. When you decide to get a toy, ask him to pick one out with you. Or you could tell him about our blog and ask if he would like to sit down and read it together. The more that you make it about what you do together, the easier it will be. I think that your husband will be thrilled that you are wanting to improve your sex life!

Wife “KO” writes:

Hey SC, Thank you so much for this site! I love that it’s open dialogue about different aspects of sex within Christian marriage. Onto the question!

I’m a happily married woman to an amazing God-fearing man. We’ve been married for a decade and as we age, have kids etc. my husband’s libido has decreased as he’s also a few years older than me.

I’ve found articles on your website in re: men having a higher sex drive but I haven’t been able to find the opposite yet. Is there any you can point me to? I know communication is key, but I’d love to hear some perspective of other women in my situation – the woman having a higher libido, or the woman wanting to try more adventurous things in the bedroom etc and their journey in encouraging their husbands to be receptive?

You are right, we don’t have many posts targeting couples where the wife has a higher libido than the husband. You are also right that communication is important. Sometimes it’s easy to communicate broadly, “I’d like to do more of xyz”, however I think it is more beneficial to try to specifically define your goals with your spouse.

First, each of you pay attention to yourselves over the next week or two or even month. Pay attention to when you feel those drives, and how often. Also to when you are feeling the most sexually satisfied and what led to that? Or the reverse, when are you feeling frustrated, and what let to that? Then, sit down with a calendar. I feel most sexually satisfied when I have around three orgasms a week, give or take depending on where I am in my cycle. El Fury feels best when we have sex every day. When is the best time for the two of you to have sex? For us, we pretty much have sex every morning, which fits El Fury’s needs really well because he can have an orgasm much faster than I can. If I want to have an orgasm we of course do that, but if the kids are pounding on our door we skip the morning and commit to that afternoon or evening when we know we can set aside a longer chunk of time

Second, for adding more adventure, that is something that can sound scary or even like a lot of work to a spouse that isn’t comfortable. Start with once a month. Set aside a night once a month (put it on the calendar) that you are committing to playing a sexy game, or doing a longer foreplay, etc. For me, if it’s on the calendar, I am mentally prepared and am less tempted to trade that time for something more relaxing. See if once a month works for your husband and adjust from there. Be sure to communicate to him that it would mean a lot to you if he was willing to try this, and get feedback on what he is comfortable with and also what he might like to try. I hope that helps and that you two have lots of fun exploring some new things!

Finally, many of the sex games and role-playing ideas we share on this site put the husband in the more active or dominant role — but there’s no reason it needs to be done this way. If you, the wife, are the higher-libido partner then it might work well for you to take the more active/dominant role in a game.

Next, here are two encouraging emails that really touched our hearts.

Husband “ID” writes:

Hey guys – I didn’t necessarily have a question for the both of you, however I wanted to take a minute to share my wife and I’s sincere gratitude to the both of you. Your website has been an amazing resource for us both. I do not believe our love life was suffering but since we have discovered this treasure trove, our intimacy has gone to levels we have never experienced before. Thank you so very much for the courage of your wife and you. This can be a very much a taboo subject in our society and in the Christian culture. It is not always easy to talk about. You both do very well is effectively and creatively passing your knowledge on to others. Thank you again and may God bless you!

Wife “RE” writes:

Hi, my husband and I read and love your blog – only just found your fb page. We don’t post online just for privacy reasons but wanted to thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and encouragement. Because of the content you might not get much feedback so we wanted to give you a huge thank you for doing what you’re doing so that you don’t stop. Sowing into marriages in the area of sexual intimacy is SO important. I regularly speak to Christian women’s group about sexual intimacy and recommend your site if any women ask for more information. We live in Perth, Western Australia and have a really great marriage (20 years) and 5 kids. Love your blog. Thank you both so much. ♥️

Thanks for all the emails! We frequently pray for you, our readers, and we love hearing from you. May God bless your marriage with amazing sex.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: "Another Unfulfilling Love-Making Session" 2

We often get emails from husbands who want advice because they sense that their wives aren’t enjoying sex that much, so we thought it would be particularly worthwhile to share this email from wife “RI”:

Hi there.

The fact that I feel awkward writing this email already may say a thing or two.

I am writing this after having had another unfulfilling love-making session with my husband last night.

I have often thought of seeking help but I have not known where or how and wanted to seek advice from a Christian source.

My husband and I have been married for over one-and-a-half years. We are both each other’s first and only sex partners. My husband engaged in pornography prior to our marriage, but I don’t feel this is affecting our relationship. We have an awesome marriage! But we get stuck when it comes to sex. He seems quite happy with our loving-making sessions but I am often left feeling like it’s been one-sided. I don’t fully know what makes me feel good and when I try to explore I get nowhere. I ask my husband to explore and sometimes he gets it right (and I make sure he knows it) but often he does some casual kissing here and there to try get to the goal of penetration. I do occasionally orgasm but always in the same position during penetration. We have tried other positions but they just hurt for me. He has tried using his hand or fingers but it has never worked. He doesn’t seem to know how to use his hands differently even with thorough communication which often leads to frustration on both our parts. I read about how sex within marriage should be fun and exciting and very stimulating but to be honest I often just try to have it because I know we should but am scared of being disappointed again and feeling like the whole thing is one-sided. I don’t know if the problem lies with me as I feel like I’m really not very sensitive physically and like there’s something wrong with me. I often just catch myself thinking “there must be more” especially if even Christian marriage books speak so highly of how fulfilling sex can be and how great it can feel.

I don’t have a direct question but some guidance would really help even if that guidance is referring me to a Christian counselor or something.

Thank you.

Wow, what an honest and vulnerable letter! Husband, if you’re longing for greater intimacy and frequency with your wife then consider that your wife’s experience might be close to what RI as written.

RI, thanks for your email! Don’t worry about feeling awkward — talking about sex has that effect on people! Be encouraged that sex tends to improve over marriage, and you have many years of exploring ahead of you. El Fury and I are frequently learning new techniques to enjoy. Your sex life is a process of discovery, and your body can even change over time. Something that didn’t get your attention before can suddenly feel amazing.

You should also be encouraged that you’re able to have an orgasm from penetration — 70%+ of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which can be hard to accomplish during penetrative sex. It doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you. I used to have that same thought, and I wasn’t even able to orgasm for a long time. Here are some suggestions for you to try:

  • Communication is really important, especially about sex. The more you talk about sex with your husband the easier it gets. Tell him that you want to figure out how to be more responsive sexually and ask if he would be willing to learn with you. You could tell him about our blog. There might be a few posts to direct him to, like “How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain”, “How To Help Your Wife Orgasm”, “Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants”, and “Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique”. It’s hard to figure out what feels good without exploring, and maybe you both need some fresh ideas!
  • Extended foreplay. If you are having pain during sex it’s often because you aren’t aroused enough, or even aroused at all. Spending time in foreplay is key on this. It can take women 45 minutes or longer to orgasm — for me it’s a good 20-30 minutes. It’s important to have the mindset when you start your session that you’re going to be in it for a while. Sometimes it’s just the same motion for a long time that does the trick. El Fury could be using his fingers and it doesn’t stimulate me, but then he moves them a tiny amount and it feels completely different. So even if he is using the same technique, try moving around until you get the right spot. Then in a few minutes, you might have to move it again. Do foreplay until your body is really aching for penetration, then sex shouldn’t hurt.
  • Introduce a vibrator. I used to be really skeptical of sex toys, but then El Fury asked to use one on me and WOW. Just because you are using some assistance does not mean that sex becomes about the vibrator. Sex is still about the intimacy between you and your husband, and using a vibrator can really increase that intimacy. I can’t orgasm during sex without one. It’s a matter of geography. When we use a vibrator I get to experience that amazing closeness that comes from having an orgasm during sex. If you start using one with your spouse you are likely to have a lot more orgasms during sex, which is part of what makes sex feel so good!
  • Track your monthly cycle. Most women ovulate about two weeks after the first day of their period. Make sure you have sex on that day! One week later is usually PMS, and you might feel really low libido that day, so try not to get frustrated if sex isn’t great then. In addition to this, pay attention to yourself! Is there a certain time of day that you notice yourself feeling aroused? If possible, have sex at that time!
  • Talk about your needs and expectations. Most men need to orgasm more frequently than most women, and I don’t have an orgasm every time we have sex. Both partners should get the sex they need to feel satisfied, and that’s about more than mere frequency! You might not care about frequency as much as your husband, but when you do want an orgasm you should get one.
  • Pray about your sex life. Together! I remember the first time El Fury and I had sex, and right afterwards he prayed out-loud for our sex life. I thought it was so weird at the time, but looking back I’m so thankful he did, and that moment is one of my most meaningful memories.

I know that most of this post is about orgasms, but that is a really important part to having a fulfilling sex life. That is what satisfies you and also fuels your desire for sex the next time.

And since it’s worth repeating, husbands go check out Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants. You’re likely to have more and better sex if your wife is having plenty of orgasms.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: "What is your view on anal sex?" 3

Reader “YK” asks:

Sexy Corte, I have followed you and El Fury for a few months now. I am a husband but wanted your view as a woman on a few things. What is your view on anal sex?

I know my wife enjoys it as I do. Not saying that because I am a guy and enjoy it but because she has asked for anal sex at times when we share a shower. (There have been times I’ve refused, if you can believe that.) What I do not understand is that she goes crazy enjoying herself, but afterwards goes into a mode of “what have I done” attitude. Almost like she feels bad for enjoying the moment as much as she did.

Needless to say this really takes away from that BLESSED coming together feeling I get afterwards because I feel as if I did something wrong.

She also enjoys anal using my thumb the same time we are in doggy style. I MEAN SHE LETS GO SO MUCH THAT I FEEL I’M BEING HIT BY A JACKHAMMER!!!! So I guess my question, and I need some serious input, why does she enjoy anal sex but it has to be on her terms?

Also, she enjoys cumming in my mouth from oral but as I am about to cum she immediately wants me inside her to pound her as hard as I can until I cum, which in turn causes her to lose her mind!

One final point (sorry for taking so long), now is it normal for a wife to well…want to make sure her husband is at maximum length every time? Before me she said she never had an orgasm. Now she says she has three or more each time we are together.

I know this all may seem funny. Most men would love my “problems” but sometimes I feel like a stereotype! I am a black male of 9 1/2 inches so my wife says (she actually measured) 🤯. She is a white female and treats my penis like The One Ring from Lord of the Rings (myyyy precious)! We have been married for 25 years but it always seems like “her maximum ecstasy ” comes with how she feels is the best use of my penis!

There is definitely more but I think this will either be enough to make you slap your head, cause you mouth to fly open, ask El Fury to hurry and read this to stimulate a quickie, or just say this guy doesn’t know how good he has it! I look forward to your response. BLESSINGS!!!

Thanks for your email YK!

El Fury and I have been exploring the anal world in the last year, and it has been an interesting journey. In the past I have had no interest in anal sex, and I’m sure that’s in part because it is such a taboo topic. It is something that El Fury has wanted to do forever, and so I finally was able to open up and be willing to try some anal play. It has been a slow progression! I’ve been surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed it when he teases that area with his fingers. Actual penetration is very uncomfortable for me, so we time that for when I’m highly aroused. With that said, I wouldn’t say I am that “experienced” with anal sex.

I can understand your wife’s feeling of shame afterwards. I think the view of a lot of people is that anal sex is wrong, degrading, etc. I have been in conversations with other women where the attitude is “well, of course I wouldn’t do that!” So, having all of that pressure put on certain sex acts can make someone feel ashamed after giving into their desires. The Bible seems to be sexually open about all sorts of sex acts as long as it’s within the boundaries of marriage. The Song of Solomon has references to oral sex, and we believe that God wants you and your spouse to have an X-rated sex life. It seems that as long as sex is between the two of you, within the confines of your marriage, consensual, and leads to mutual satisfaction then it’s ok! If your wife can come to change her perception of anal sex then I don’t think she would feel bad afterwards.

As far as sex being on your wife’s terms, I think that because anal sex has commonly been viewed as a degrading act she might feel degraded if she consents when you want it. I’m not saying that she feels like you are trying to degrade her, it’s simply the stigma around the act. Whereas if she is initiating it then she’s in control.

For your second question about swallowing, communication is important. I used to get irritated when El Fury didn’t just know what I wanted! I had to learn to tell him. If you want your wife to swallow, you should communicate that to her. It doesn’t have to be every time, but tell her once in a while it would mean a lot to you if she swallowed.

For your third question, about length, I know for me there is something very arousing at the thought of taking all of El Fury inside me. It’s intoxicating to feel like I have as much of him inside me as possible. Your wife probably feels the same way, and would still want all of you even if your penis was an inch shorter!

It sounds like you and your wife have a great, active sex life! I definitely think you could communicate all of these questions to her. The more we talk about sex, the more natural it is to talk about. I hope this helps!

Reader YK wrote back:

I really appreciate your feedback and you really gave me some seriously valuable insight into her possible mindset concerning anal sex. I just never thought about the stigma and taboo the church has about anal sex could be the cause of her discomfort. This also explains why after accepting Jesus we both thought HOT sex was over!

SC, you and El Fury keep up the great work. There are too many married couples in the Body suffering due to these types of stigmas. BLESSINGS to you both!

How have taboos and stigmas affected your sex life with your spouse? And, of course, do you have any anal sex tips to share? Leave a comment below!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: Overcoming Sexual Memories From Before Marriage 4

Reader “AE” brings up a topic that we’ve received numerous emails about over the years but haven’t yet addressed.

My husband is an incredible and selfless man. I have zero complaints about him as a husband, and he has always been so willing to do anything to be the best husband he can be. He has a history of promiscuity before we were married as well as pornography. When he gave his life to the Lord before we were married, he surrendered all of that, and we both know he has been forgiven and absolutely redeemed.

However, our sex life is, as you call it, very vanilla. He has always been pretty closed to exploration, and when I have gotten adventurous, it seems to shut him down instead of turn him on (which has been tough on me). Your website has given us an incredible place to start from to dig into what’s holding each of us back in the bedroom. We’ve been using your articles to discuss things we’ve never even known we need to talk about. In one of those conversations, he realized that anything remotely risque triggers memories for him from those years before we were together. He is so determined to keep his focus on me and his mind pure, he’s shutting everything down mentally, including his own interest. I should note, he has never had any issues “rising” to the occasion. If I go all in, he’ll meet me there. But most foreplay is limited if not non existent.

We’ve realized, our bedroom is like a minefield for triggering his memories and it’s keeping us from enjoying the freedom the Lord has intended for us. We both believe there’s better for us and we’re both willing to work on it. Your site is already giving us ways to fight for that. But do you have any strategy for how we can explore together in the Lord’s favor the things he once explored inappropriately without triggering these thoughts and memories that take his mind off of me and the moment we’re in? Is there anything I can do to help him?

Thank you for any help! And thank you and SC for this safe place to find permission and strategy and FUN.

First off Mr. and Mrs. AE, don’t feel alone with this challenge! Many Christians fall short of God’s perfect standard that sex is intended for married couples only. Sexual sin can lead to serious, life-altering consequences — not to mention the harm it can do to your relationship with God. And yet, God is always eager to offer us forgiveness when we repent, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Even when we’re forgiven, however, it isn’t always easy (or possible) to be completely free from the natural consequences of our sin during our lives on earth. The difficulty Mr. and Mrs. AE are experiencing is a natural consequence of sexual sin. Memories can be stubborn.

Caveat: We’re not trained therapists, and it’s possible that a couple in the position AE describes would benefit from talking together or separately with an expert who can advise them based on their specific circumstances. Every person and every marriage is different. The advice we’re going to give here is connected to the Bible and based on our experience, but it may not be right for you. We offer this caveat because we can imagine a direct approach, like we’ll describe, doing more harm than good for some people.

Ok, try this: don’t think of an elephant.

Could you do it? Probably not. It’s basically impossible to pick a specific thing and not think about it. In the most well-known Bible passage about anxiety Paul writes:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

The bolded action words in the passage make our point: you can’t simply “do not be anxious” without replacing anxious thoughts with something else. Instead of merely commanding a negative, God teaches that the positive drives out the negative.

Mr. and Mrs. AE are dealing with a form of sexual anxiety and we think the principle from Philippians 4 can be applied. Instead of trying to banish distracting, undesired, harmful, or sinful memories by sheer force of will, we should work to replace them with “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable”.

Application: replace negative sexual memories with new, positive sexual memories created with your spouse. Confront the negative memories head-on and create new memories that overwrite the old ones. This won’t happen all at once, but over months and years you’ll have sex with your spouse hundreds and thousands of times. When something “risque triggers memories” from your past, go straight at that memory and re-do it with your spouse. Your sex life with your spouse is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. Even if that risque memory seems weird don’t shy away from it: face it and rewrite it.

Now, some prudence is in order. Sex that is non-consensual or involves people besides the married couple has no place in a Christian marriage — but just about anything else can be done in faith and can be part of a mutually satisfying sex life. Be patient and courageous with each other; your sex life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Don’t force your spouse to go faster, but don’t drag your feet either. Put some effort into it and you’ll both be rewarded.

After sharing these ideas with AE she wrote back:

Awesome!! This is the strategy we talked about trying. We both had a few concerns that it could backfire, so we reached out to you to hopefully confirm, which you did!

It is not hard to be patient with this man of mine. He is such a good man and husband and daddy. Besides, this problem stems from his desire to honor and respect his commitment to me, even with his thoughts, so how could I not respect that. I’m incredibly excited to find freedom together and get our sex life to the level of the rest of our marriage.

You are absolutely welcome to use our question. It is tough being one of the few women who have a higher sex drive than her husband. I relate more to men in the stereotypical sex conversations, and it’s a challenge to not feel like something is wrong with me. So if my question can make another woman like me feel less alone, that’s great.

Thanks again, you two!

It’s always extremely gratifying to hear that our ministry is edifying to peoples’ marriages! If you have any thoughts or ideas to share, please leave a comment below.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: “What is figging?” 5

Reader “ME”, who is a wife, wrote to Sexy Corte with this question:

I am curious about a type of “funishment” that involves a peeled piece of ginger inserted into the vagina. Do you or your husband have any information about this?

Thanks again for the wonderful website!

Neither one of us had heard of this practice, so Sexy Corte passed the question to me. A little bit of NSFW internet research revealed that the activity is called “figging”.

Figging is the practice of inserting a piece of skinned ginger root into the human anus or the vagina in order to generate an acute burning sensation. Historically this was a method of punishment, but has since been adopted as a practice of BDSM. [snip] The effect reaches climax within two to five minutes after insertion, and persists for around thirty minutes before gradually easing.

The intensity of the burning can be modulated by rinsing the root before inserting it, and some people apparently find the feeling to be quite pleasurable. Figging seems to be particularly popular practice when combined with light spanking. Maybe the heat is similar to the sensation created by “warming jelly” lubricant?

Sexy Corte says: “Sounds like it could be interesting!”

Hopefully it doesn’t turn into another serrano pepper incident.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: Oral Sex Positions, Glow-in-the-Dark Tattoos, Multiple Orgasms 6

Here are a few emails from readers that are worth sharing with the community but don’t require long responses from us. (Some of these responses are from Sexy Corte, some are from El Fury, and some are from both of us.)

Reader “TH” asks:

How can I get my wife to read your site without knowing I sent it?

It’s best to cultivate an open channel of communication with your spouse! However, it can be difficult to get the ball rolling at the beginning. We suggest using Mailinator.com to send anonymous emails — you can even use this service to ask us a question if you don’t want to share your real address with! Simply make up a Mailinator address, or use marriedchristiansex@mailinator.com to send your email. (Note: Mailinator is a good way to send anonymously, but it’s hard to get a response back because the service deletes all incoming messages every hour.)

Wife “DO” asks:

Hello! I would like to ask more details on the Old Faithful position. Is it like 69? Does the wife’s butt face the husband’s face?

Just wanted to say thanks for setting up this website, it has been very informative and educational for married Christian couples who need all the help they can get.

For Old Faithful the husband lays on his back and the wife kneels to his side facing him, with her knees spread and near one of his hips. Then the wife bends down over the husband to perform oral sex. The husband reaches up between the wife’s legs to stimulate her at the same time. See also: “New Faithful”, and “Stimulate Both Spouses While One Is Performing Oral”.

Wife “IJ” asks:

My husband and I have been married for ten years and our sex life is AWESOME! And while I know that my husband loves it, I am often the “initiator “ which I don’t mind but I would love for him to be the sex beggar occasionally.

He works hard and doesn’t get enough sleep sometimes so I know he’s tired and I’m a stay home mom of two and I try to do things to make it easy for him at home. For example: I have dinner ready when he gets home, I lay out his towel and washcloth and always have his clothes clean and hung up so that he doesn’t have to lift a finger at home. We were both married before (unfortunately) so I don’t know if there was a lot of rejection there, but I’ve been very open that I’m ok to do it anytime and I’ve never said no. It may just be personality because he does really love it, I want to be clear that there’s no problem there and he’s very considerate of me. I just wonder if you have any advice on how to help him initiate more. Thank you, I just found y’alls website today… I love it.

It sounds like your sex life is pretty great, so yay for you guys!

It’s common for a wife to want/expect her husband to initiate, because women tend to be more “responsive” sexually, and men tend to be more “spontaneous”. Of course, everyone is different and there’s nothing at all “wrong” with you initiating more than your husband.

So, there’s nothing “wrong”, but you’d still like your husband to do more of the initiating. The best thing you can do is tell him! You may be thinking… “but if I tell him to initiate, aren’t I the one initiating?” Maybe, but he can’t read your mind.

Here are some ideas for what to say to him (if these are true):

  1. I love our sex life. You really satisfy me.
  2. I’d love it if you would initiate more. I don’t know if you’re waiting for some signal from me, but don’t bother. I’ll never say no. Just do it and you’ll see. (If he is worried about rejection, tell him explicitly that you won’t turn him away.)
  3. Here are some ways that I’ll signal that I want you: sleep naked, secret message panties, flash my boobs, etc. Make up an “innocent” signal that tells him to hit on you.

Wife “TJ” asks:

Thank you so much for this site. It has helped me and my husband so much!  We have been married for over 24 years and we have only just begun to view sexual intimacy and pleasuring one another in the correct way. I was much too uptight and focused on being a proper, good church girl. I wouldn’t dare admit I was enjoying our sexual encounters, nor would I give him a lot of attention sexually. It’s very sad looking back. We’ve both talked very openly about this over the last few weeks and it’s like we’re on a honeymoon period!  We’re trying things on your site and it’s incredible how close our relationship has become from the sexual intimacy we’ve been sharing. So, thank you so much!

My question is this: I’m having a harder time climaxing from clitoral stimulation (or any kind of stimulation).  We have sex daily, and on most days multiple times.  I’ve talked with him and he understands that I don’t expect to have an orgasm every time we have sex, but he wants me to at least once a day.  Is this difficulty coming from us having sex so often that I can’t get aroused enough to climax, as I did when we went days (and sometimes weeks) between intercourse?

Have you encountered this before?  Do you have suggestions to help me?  Is it possible for a woman to have an orgasm daily or multiple times every day?

Sexy Corte responds:

This is our favorite type of email to receive. I will say that I’m the same, it’s hard for me to have an orgasm every day. I do alright two days in a row, but if I try for three it’s a lot of work! I do best having 2-3 orgasms per week. Other times, I’m happy to have sex without an orgasm because El Fury does want to have one every day. Also, there’s a big difference in the time required — it takes him less than 10 minutes, for me it takes 20-30. I hope this helps and that your sex life with your husband continues to be fun!

And finally, a recommendation from wife “BA”:

I recommend that you try glow in the dark temporary tattoos! I put them all over my breasts, charged them up with a cell phone flashlight, and it made quite the impression in a dark bedroom. Husband keeps searching for them on Amazon now!

We will have to check those out!

We love to hear from our readers, so drop us a line.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

How Can You Have Variety With Just One Sexual Partner? 7

God’s best plan is for people to have amazing sex inside marriage, and zero sex outside marriage. This plan is obviously extremely counter-cultural, and some people even claim it’s impossible “in this day and age” — as if our ancestors were less sexual than we are. By God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit it is possible to have a sex life that’s awesome and that pleases God (even if you’ve made mistakes). It’s also natural to wonder “what if?” Are there sexual experiences you’re missing out on? Is there a way to have variety without cheating? Jordan Peterson answers this question from one of his listeners in the video below:

I married young and have had only one sexual partner. Now I desire variety, but value my marriage and will not cheat. Any insight on overcoming this conflict?

(The video is queued up to start at this question.)

We’ve got a million posts here on our blog with ideas for creating variety in your sex life with your spouse! Hopefully we’ve created a valuable resource, and we personally appreciate all the contributions from our readers.

Sex Q&A: "Why would any husband want to do a pearl necklace?" 8

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #007: Pearl Necklaces and Finishing on Her Body

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to do this :( You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (And be honest… there’s probably something you want to try that you’ve been too shy to share with your husband.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sex Q&A: Swearing During Sex 9

Reader “MN” asks a question we’ve gotten a few times but have only addressed briefly:

Good sir, first want to say thank you for this site. I really appreciate your time and how gentle, yet how firm you are when you respond to people’s questions.

One question I have is this: do you feel that it’s ok to swear while having sex? Like dropping the f-bomb when one climaxes. Or using “ass” to describe my wife’s butt? Thanks for your time and may God bless you both!

This is a great question. Like many Christians, Sexy Corte and I are very careful about our language. In James 3:5-12, God warns us that an uncontrolled tongue can lead to destruction.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

I don’t know about you… but my tongue gets me into more trouble than any other part of my body! Think about the comparison that’s made between a tongue and fire: an uncontrolled tongue won’t only hurt the speaker, it can burn down a whole forest — your family, friends, church, and more. A wicked tongue hinders our praise of God and our ability to serve him.

So obviously controlling your tongue is extremely important. Every part of your life and your ministry will be impacted, positively or negatively, but how you use your tongue.

But notice: the emphasis isn’t on “swear words”. The Bible doesn’t really have anything to say about whether or not certain words are off-limits, and how could it? “Swear words” are dependent on language, culture, and context in a way that doesn’t translate. God doesn’t really care about specific words, he cares about what you say and why you say it. A person can be extremely cruel without swearing, but “good language” doesn’t mitigate the harm caused by hateful speech.

Similarly, in the right context, “swear words” can be used to edify the listener and strengthen a marriage. The point isn’t the words you use, it’s whether you’re building up or tearing down. It may be that your spouse never wants to hear swearing come from your mouth — if so, then don’t do it. However, in the heat of the moment it can often be quite sexy to indulge in the taboo of swearing. There are many things you can only do with your spouse, and if swearing turns both of you on and strengthens your sex life then go for it! (Read “Can we *BLANK*?” for some further thoughts.)

Sometimes a mid-day whisper about what you want to do that night is just what your spouse needs to hear!

In the end, there are no magic words that are good or evil on their own — the holiness of your speech depends on what you’re saying and to whom.

End of 2017 Q&A Round-Up 10

We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and are looking forward to 2018. To finish up the year here at Married Christian Sex, we want to share some emails we’ve gotten from our readers — mostly questions for Sexy Corte that have piled up! We love reading your comments and questions, so please shoot us a message (El Fury or Sexy Corte) and we’ll do our best to get back to you. As always, we won’t share anything on the blog without your permission, and we never share names or email addresses.

We especially love to hear from people who have been blessed by our blog! Husband “ONN” writes a very encouraging note:

We came across your blog about a month ago and started reading all the articles you have. We had a very good marriage and a wonderful sex life and didn’t think it could get much better than what it was. We have started applying some of the things we read and have stepped our marriage up to a whole new level. We have decided that we will try new things with an open mind to see how it feels and then decide if we like it or not. Now that you have opened our minds to some of the scripture it is easier to do some of things that are considered taboo and not feel like we are sinning or shameful. We are more relaxed and don’t miss a day without having sex at least once. Now our expectation is that we are having sex every night and we look forward to it. The article that started us was the one titled “yes you should swallow”. After reading that and showing my wife the article we began talking about it and left it up to her for the final decision. When she finally decided to do it I was amazed and very excited about it. This opened up our minds to trying new experiences and techniques. We have decided that as long as it helps our marriage and only involves the two of us we will try it and see if we like it.

Thank you for posting these articles and helping people have a more fulfilling sex life the way God intended it to be.  This is all I have time to write, it is time for us to go have sex now!!

Wife “GP” asks Sexy Corte about shaving:

I’ve been married for 6 years. I perform oral sex for my husband a good bit and we both enjoy it. However, I really want him to perform oral on me too. He’s mentioned it a good bit during intimate moments but I just brush it off. I’m a little embarrassed for him to because of my hair. If I shave, I break out in bumps bad. Any advice?

And SC replies:

Hair definitely gets in the way of oral! :) I don’t shave completely because of the bumps, but leave a little ‘landing strip’ so that it doesn’t get rough.

Questions about shaving come up a lot, including from wife “IT” who includes some encouragement for us:

I’ve got a question about shaving. I’m using hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) that really improves my libido, but also causes my hair “down there” to grow faster. I like to keep it bare, but do I need a personal shaver or something?

Also, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate how candid you two are on your blog! I had never considered using a vibrator before… it had to be “wrong”. I had always been able to reach orgasm from my husband’s touch, but over time he has had to work harder and harder to get me there. After reading your blog we decided to use an egg vibrator, and we both love it! It’s easier for both of us, and the sex is great! I bet lots of wives would be more motivated for sex if they knew how much fun it could be.

We love these emails! SC responds:

Thanks so much for the encouragement! Our whole goal is to help married couples find joy in sex. I’m so glad our site has been a blessing to you!

Shaving is tricky, and everyone is different. I totally understand about the prickly thing, which is why I always leave a “landing strip” (which is like a little runway of hair where it would otherwise never totally shave smooth). I do trim that hair, but haven’t ever liked shaving it completely off. I hadn’t seen the personal shaver before, but if you don’t have luck with your razor it might be worth a try. I do just fine using my regular razor, and as long as I keep up on it every few days it works great. We have a small ledge in our shower that I can put my foot up on and that helps a ton with being able to see what I’m shaving, and push things around to get to the right spot.

You know, I used to think a vibrator or sex toys were “wrong”, but I think it’s where your heart is. A vibrator has completely changed our sex life, and it enhances our intimacy. My focus, even when using a vibrator, is on EF — my love for him, how he is making me feel. An orgasm is an incredibly powerful thing, and I’m so thankful there is a way I can experience that during sex. It makes me want my husband, not a vibrator!

Wife “LL” asks Sexy Corte about being dominant in bed:

My husband and I have been married 6 years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

To which SC replies:

It’s great that you are willing to try this for your husband! Maybe start small and try to be dominant in other ways so that you build up some confidence for the bigger stuff. Grab him in a tight embrace and kiss him in an unexpected moment. Write a note telling him what you are going to do to him later (it doesn’t even have to be something bondage-related). Taking initiative in smaller things might help you when you are in those bigger moments. EF always likes the professor/student and pirate role-playing.

Husband “JY” asks how to help his wife enjoy sex more:

My wife and I have been married for almost two years. Before we were married I was not deep in my faith, I watched porn, and had sex. My wife knew this, and helped me become a better man. When we started to date I stopped watching porn, and we didn’t have sex until our wedding night. We did however dry hump and both of us would climax at relatively the same time. Since our marriage, I can tell that my wife doesn’t really enjoy/ get pleasure from sex. I’ve tried to talk with her, and she tells me that her pleasure is doing it for me. But I want her to enjoy it. When I bring up things like giving her oral or me receiving it she says that those things make her feel gross. We’ve talked and I have expressed my interest in expanding our sex life, but she doesn’t seem interested. I honestly just want her to enjoy sex the way that I do. She hasn’t had an orgasm for over two years, because I don’t believe she is stimulated during sex, and won’t let me try things that could stimulate her. I’m not really sure what else to do. I love my wife very much, and I know that god made sex something for husband and wife to enjoy, and I’m afraid she is missing out on such a pleasurable feeling and intimacy. Any ideas or thoughts from either of you would be very much appreciated.

SC replies:

If you and your wife have good communication, I would in a very non-threatening way ask her if she has ever had an orgasm. It’s possible she hasn’t. Ask if she would be willing to let you focus on her. There are a number of things you can try, but focus on her clitoris, not just penetration. It takes me a good 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and that’s with EF starting with his hand and finishing with a vibrator. If EF uses his hand it’s probably more like 45 minutes. Use lube as well.  I would also try to pay attention to her cycle. Two weeks after the start of a woman’s period is when they typically ovulate, and that’s when sex drive is the highest. For me, it’s much easier to have an orgasm during this part of my cycle.

Wife “SL” asks how to learn what turns her on:

Hello! My husband and I have been enjoying your blog since we got married in May 2015. Our sex life isn’t awful (thanks to God blessing us with good communication), but it definitely isn’t what we know it can be. This is largely due to the fact that my husband has a large vocabulary of sexual things he likes and really knows what turns him on and I don’t. We have tried to explore lots of things and your blog has been very helpful, but I still struggle with knowing my likes and turn-ons. I think not comparing my sex drive/desires to my husband and expecting myself to be just like him is my biggest hangup. Any suggestions of how to explore and figure out what my turn-ons are? Questions I should ask myself? Books that might be helpful?

SC replies:

I think it’s ok if you don’t have a “large vocabulary”! I don’t think I will ever get tired of the standard, me-on-top to orgasm. We do that position at least twice a week and it still thrills me. So finding something that works really well and sticking with it is definitely fine. I’m hoping you know what gets you to orgasm best — and if you don’t, that is a matter of trying different things until you find something that works. For us, we were at least a year into marriage before we figured out what really worked for me. I also think throwing in the occasional new thing keeps your sex life exciting, and it sounds like your husband needs that. Since you are already good with communication (that is a great blessing!) talk about your expectations and what each of you can do to make sure you both have a fulfilling sex life.

You may also want to check out the “Would you rather?” game that we’ve posted, and make some index cards based on that list. It will help you and your husband discover new things.

That’s all the letters for now! We pray that God will bless your marriage, and use your marriage to be a blessing to others. Thanks for a fantastic 2017, and join us in the comment section below.