Sex Q&A: Lack of Experience, “Figure It Out”

Sex Q&A: Lack of Experience, "Figure It Out" 1

Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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  1. We were in our 50s when we married, and I had the great good gift of erectile dysfunction, due to medical conditions and medications to treat. So, from the very first moment that it was clear that our relationship was serious, I was COMPELLED to share this with my beloved. Because I was honest and open about this, we were able to discuss and negotiate.
    She couldn’t tell that I was FREAKEN TERRIFIED about discussing sexual issues that way. But, the pattern was set, and we have been able to talk about it. She also was able to participate in the process, when we used a vacuum pump; the doc said to make it a part of the foreplay. That worked; but, when we went with the penile injections, that wasn’t in the same category, since the idea of injecting me didn’t really fit. However, she keeps the syringes in HER bedside table, so I have to ask her for one when our lovemaking moves into intercourse.
    Yes, I thought I might die, but I didn’t. Attitude, baby; sex is a LOT more in the head than in the bed.

  2. Sex is something that God designed to be explored and enjoyed within marriage only, as such there is no reason (apart from sinful) that anyone should enter marriage “experienced”. Sadly it has become the norm for many to enter marriage experienced, either through porn, pre-marital relations or masturbation (which I personally believe is outside of God’s plan), and I was experienced in some of these, practicing until i was born again and God gave me power to overcome addictions. I remember a discussion with my wife on our honeymoon, where i expressed how great it would be if the wedding night was a person’s first sight or the opposite sex’s body parts, and that marriage was the first and only place a person learned about what the other sex enjoys sexually. How great not to have any comparisons to draw to previous experience whether visually or physically. No concepts of the “norm” of how long sex lasts, what size other boobs or penises are, how quickly a handjob should be able to satisfy a man, etc. As i mentioned, i had experiences and i brought ideas, concepts and expectations into my marriage, but rather than living by them and enforcing them, i wish people would set them aside and treat their own marriage experience as their “norm”, even if that doesn’t match a general norm.

    Sex in the world is about taking, about figuring out how to extract the most pleasure for oneself. Sex in a godly marriage should follow the principles that the rest of marriage relationship follows, laying down our life to serve our spouse, as Christ lay down His life for the church. Marriage sex is blessed where an attitude of serving is abundant, how can i pleasure my spouse, not how can I extract adequate pleasure from my spouse.

    It is very important for you to maintain a pure heart toward your husband, don’t allow yourself to harbour any bad feelings toward him, despite the fact that you are made to feel inadequate. But that doesn’t mean you should just leave things as is either. Follow the advice of communication with your husband. It is good to be eager to pleasure our spouse as effectively as we can, but don’t take on any guilt for “not being as good at it as he wants you to be”. He should appreciate and love the fact that you’re inexperienced and haven’t gain experience with others. He needs to be patient and understand that his pleasure is not the focus of the event. His pleasure is important and it’s good for you to learn what he likes (which he should definitely verbally communicate, even if it results in an awkward, “interrupting the mood” experience), but the experience of the two of you stumbling through what is nice and what isn’t as nice is what it’s all about. Him finishing is merely a result of the time you two spent together, not the sole purpose for why you’re there. Sure theres times when a quickie is useful and fun, but generally speaking, it’s about the journey together, not the destination.

    As was said in SC and EF’s response, you’re barely just married, I’m a few years into marriage and it’s exciting to still find new things that i or my wife like and to still be learning about each other. How boring if we had it all figured out 5 months in. Enjoy each other and enjoy the journey of getting to know one another. Don’t wish it over

    1. Thanks for your comment. We agree that God intends sex for married couples only, and we also think it’s important to focus our writing and responses on where people are in their lives right now. This topic probably deserves its own post!

    2. Broadly speaking, I appreciate your point that the wonderfulness of sexuality is most wonderful when it’s reserved for marriage, but I think that you take things too far in a couple of ways.

      For one thing: there’s some benefit to learning about normal human sexual experience. If a spouse has a fixable physiological, psychological, or behavioral problem that leads to reduced pleasure for either partner, then having something to compare their experience to is important. Otherwise, it’s difficult to realize that there’s a problem. (Of course, this knowledge should be gained second-hand/by-worth-of-mouth, not by extramarital sex, but your comment doesn’t clearly distinguish between these means.)

      Secondly, I disagree that one’s spouse should be one’s first and only exposure to nudity of the opposite sex. There’s no blanket Biblical prohibition against mere nudity; visual knowledge of the opposite sex’s anatomy has practical benefits; and prohibiting it causes curious minors to seek it out in perverse ways, e.g. those that lead them to hard-core pornography.

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