Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:
I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.
During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).
I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.
I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.
Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.
I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.
Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.
When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.
El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.
El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!
How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.