Husbands, I’ll be very direct: if you wife isn’t having regular orgasms then she isn’t going to love having sex. She might enjoy the intimacy of sex, she might like to give you pleasure, she might do it out of obligation, but she isn’t going to love it.
“How often should we have sex?” There isn’t one right answer, but here’s what we say: each spouse should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. Often that means that the husband will have more orgasms than the wife does, and we think that’s fine as long as the wife has as many orgasms as she wants. In our marriage, I have an orgasm every day and Sexy Corte has an orgasm about twice a week on average. Her orgasm frequency can be pretty bursty though — sometimes she’ll have an orgasm four days in a row and get exhausted, and sometimes she won’t have an orgasm for a week and get really angsty. (It’s hot when she’s angsty).
This formula is pretty simple to follow as long as everything is going smoothly, but from experience and reader emails we’ve noticed two common problems that lead to wives not having all the orgasms they want:
- Some wives give up because they feel self-conscious about the effort required.
- Some wives give up because their husbands don’t put in the effort required.
When a wife gives up on having the orgasms she wants it’s very easy for her to become disillusioned with sex and resentful towards her husband. It’s a fact of biology and relationships that men tend to orgasm more easily than women, and husbands and wives should both be sensitive to this reality.
Let’s look at problem #1 first: yes, sometimes it’s a lot of work for a woman to reach orgasm, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes it requires a vibrator. Sometimes it requires oral or fingers. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes the kids won’t go to sleep. Sometimes it’s easier to just watch TV.
“Why are male orgasms so easy and female orgasms so hard?!” I don’t know, but get over it! Wife, you don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting an orgasm even if it’s difficult. Some women we’ve heard from didn’t think they could have orgasms at all, but it turned out they only needed a little coaching and openness. It isn’t “noble” or “selfless” for a wife to talk herself out of a satisfying sex life, so don’t make yourself a martyr. Take ownership of your needs, talk with your husband, and be open to trying new things. Get the orgasms you want!
Solving problem #2 starts with a question for husbands: Does your wife know that you’ll do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm? Maybe you’ve given her signs that make her think her orgasms as too much work and she’s pulled back from what she really wants. Maybe you’ve been too quick to accept her hesitation when she does want an orgasm but isn’t sure you’re willing to put in the work. Maybe you haven’t been creative or skillful enough. A wife who is self-conscious or reluctant to speak up for herself might interpret these kinds of behaviors as a lack of desire on your part to give her pleasure. She might think that you think her orgasms are too much trouble.
Husband: be direct and explicit. Tell your wife frequently that you want to pleasure her and you’ll do whatever it takes.
And then enthusiastically do whatever it takes!
- Ask her what she wants and needs. You may think you already know, but you may be wrong.
- More foreplay
- Use a vibrator
- Perform oral on her
- Use your fingers
- Use the position that’s best for her, even if it’s not best for you. You can always switch after she climaxes.
- Lift weights, get fit
- Make yourself more attractive
- Learn to restrain your orgasm
- Be patient!
As long as what the wife desires involves only the two of you, is consensual, leads to mutual satisfaction, and is done in faith then you should do it. Be proactive. Don’t make your wife nag you. Be a student of her sexuality and put in the effort to become proficient with her body!
For a husband or wife who feels they need a little education, check out this post: All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams).
“If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.” Husbands: if you want to maximize your sex life you need to do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants. Wives: if you aren’t getting the orgasms you really want then you need to speak up and be a little more selfish!
Leave a comment and let us know if you are putting in the effort in your marriage to give you spouse all the orgasms he or she wants.
Did want a drop a note that your post here was extremely well timed. It came right after we got my wife her first multiple-O session ever! As I’ve posted here, she’d never achieved a (non-nocturnal) O until less than 5 months ago, and now we’re getting “success” 95% of the time. I won’t go into detail, but this time she basically said to keep going, and a few minutes (and seemingly massive pleasure) later, she got a spectacular second! Let’s just say I had an unshakeable grin for quite some time afterwards. I’m guessing it’ll only be a once per month (or every few months) thing, but it was so thrilling to see my wife WANT that for himself, plus I got the joy of serving her until she got it. :-)
I appreciate what you write here, and it has contributed to my efforts and improved mindset in achieving new heights for my marriage relationship!
I ALWAYS make sure wife has her orgasm whenever we have sex which is usually 3 x per week… If I end up not having an orgasm I will make sure she cums… It is always about her and I LOVE to please her and hear her cum
That seems like a formula for a happy wife and a happy marriage :)
Do you think your wife has a higher sex drive than you do?
Sounds like a lot of pressure that does Jim. I’m always suspicious of men who say ‘..it’s always about her and I love to please her etc.’ Sometimes women find having to orgasm every time a real effort and this is when she might fake it. Just remember, her orgasm is about her pleasure first an foremost. Any pleasure you get from it is purely incidental. Be happy and content with the pleasure she does experience.
I call foul!
I have always made sure “She Comes First” and decades before Ian Kerner’s book and she could care less. Usually multiples every time as well. I have given her clitoral, intercourse both G-spot, deep and in combination, nipples a few times but she doesn’t have the patience for these, full body, and I would be thrilled to include anal too even if only for special occasions. (Birthday, Anniversary, vacation, Anal Tuesdays etc) We even went simultaneously on our wedding night. Some couples take years to nail this. Some take years for wife’s first.
Has had ZERO affect on OUR frequency. Basically it has been “When I, have need of YOU, I will let you know; otherwise you can take care of it yourself.” for our entire marriage of 35 years. “Noone ever died for lack of sex.” (No, but marriages have.) “Again! What is WRONG with you!” After days or weeks. As newlyweds. In our TWENTIES!
Sorry, but I don’t think any man gets married to continue to “take care of it himself”. Especially for NO reason. Not sick, not pregnant, not tired, no headache, cramps, didn’t have sex an hour ago. Nothing. Nothing except NO! For decades.
Ovulation sex if I was lucky and had fulfilled whatever mysterious and ever changing “conditions” (barriers) she throws up.
No honeymoon period, no pregnancy high, no when the kids get older, no “cougar/milf” female peak, no when kids are “grown and gone”, no golden years and now it is menopause and she thinks we need to “get over” this “nonsense”. (Married sex between H and W) My question is WHAT NONSENSE? We’ve never had a nonsense period. Ever. I have worked on the road FOR MONTHS and flew home for a holiday and NO NONSENSE. Went on trips, NO NONSENSE. Special anniversary weekends, NO NONSENSE. Date nights, NO NONSENSE.
NO NONSENSE, ever, at any time in our marriage.
I have offered her freebies and she turns them down! Massage, nope! Not even Nuru!
Fairly certain she’s not getting any anywhere else, but I think any spouse, of either gender, would wonder when the answer is ALWAYS no!
I’ve tried it all and it doesn’t matter what “love language” I speak, she isn’t listening. She doesn’t even think a sexless marriage is a problem, but that ISN’T what she tells worthless preacher and “Titus 2” ladies.
She can mouth that same line El Fury always uses about sex being part of marriage almost verbatim.
Never been quantity or quality really. Barely enough to keep me from claiming total abandonment.
How much patience is a man expected to endure?!
How can you do all of those things you mention in your first paragraph if there is never any ‘nonsense?’
Sorry E-man, nuru should have been yoni. But doesn’t matter, ain’t interested in yoni she sure ain’t interested in nuru. HA!
I am circling back to this article because it touched on a recent phenomenon in my marriage. throughout our marriage we have had sex avg 4-5 week (with exceptions over the years of course) but my wife has always only had 1-2 orgasms a week usually when we know theres At least a couple hours of time on weekend sessions such as when kids away or sound asleep in early am (teens are sleeping in these days) Now that kids are teenagers though we are getting way more feast opportunities during the week along with work from home and this got her 5 orgasms in one week recently. Since then she been struggling with a stuck orgasm that gets really close but not over the top. So i am really curious how you came to a 2-to-7 orgasms a week ratio between H and W. Has she ever foumd orgasms to be more work if she pushes it with more than her average? Theres been no health changes with is even though were are now in our fifties. I am just thinking we need to have her just not try for Os for a little while to give her a rest for a week or so until she aches for one again. We certainly still will enjoy plenty of sex in the meantime. Anybody else share the dynamic where the wife has to take a break from orgasms for a bit otherwise they get harder to attain? I only know my wife and cant find any research on this so i am also curious if average 2 orgasms a week for a female is typical? Maybe we just blew it out a bit too much in our increasing freedom these days but either way the Bottom line is perhaps you really just need to always give her first say if she wants to go for the O
Hey TD, thanks for sharing your experience.
In our marriage, Sexy Corte pretty much decides if she wants to go for an orgasm or not. Sometimes she isn’t sure if she wants an orgasm, so we’ll work at it for a few minutes to see if she feels like it or not. She seems satisfied with two orgasms per week, except at the highest part of her cycle when she’s ovulating — then she’s likely to want around 4.