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Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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OMGYes has released a Pleasure Report that describes four penetration techniques that are reported to be the most pleasurable for most women.

“We asked thousands of women what they do to experience more pleasure from penetrative sex and found there are four techniques that work for most women,” says sexual and reproductive health scientist, Christiana von Hippel.

Dubbed Angling, Rocking, Shallowing, and Pairing, they stand out from suggestions provided by other scientific studies that tend to scaffold pleasure around specific sexual acts, or the involvement of specific objects or body parts.

Sounds super-scientific! I bet these techniques are going to blow our minds.

For example, 87.5 percent of the respondents claimed Angling did it for them – rotating or elevating the pelvis just right to find a position where the toy, penis, or digits touch just right.

So… find the most pleasurable angle for penetration. Genius.

Around three quarters of those surveyed advocated Rocking, an action defined by movements that help the base of the penis or toy rub consistently against the clitoris during penetration.

Stimulate the clitoris. Wow, thanks science!

About 84 percent of those in the study enjoy a penetrative touch towards the outside of the vagina, dubbed Shallowing.

Ok, Shallowing might be a little less obvious that the first two ideas. We wrote about this technique here: When It Goes In — Shallow Penetration. Most of the nerve endings in the vagina are near the entrance, so it can feel pretty great for the husband to slide the head of his penis in and out at a shallow depth — and it might help the husband delay his own orgasm longer if the full shaft of his penis isn’t being stimulated.

Lastly, there’s also Pairing activity: Just under 70 percent of survey participants claimed they thoroughly enjoyed having their clitoris stimulated with a toy or finger while being penetrated.

Pairing might seem obvious, but it actually took me and Sexy Corte about a year to figure it out after we got married. Now, our go-to position when she wants an orgasm is for her to sit on top of me while I hold an egg vibrator wedged between us against her clitoris. She is practicing to orgasm in other positions, but this is the easiest for her by far.

Research like this can be valuable for guiding sexual exploration in your marriage, but in the end each couple will need to discover what feels good to them. Play around and try new things! You never know what you might like until you try it.

Were there any sexual techniques that took you a while to discover? Leave us a comment and help out the rest of us!

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Reader “L” writes:

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire:

“Now, I’m not against spicing things up, and I do think lots of things can be fun! But when we’re wanting ‘more’ because we’ve programmed ourselves to think ‘the weirder the sexier’, there’s a problem.”

It stems from the porn argument — many men have been conditioned through porn to be aroused by what they’ve seen and that there is an escalating factor as seen by the lack of what you might call vanilla interactions in porn today.

When I hear that argument (not so much about porn’s influence, but about it being the driving behind any interest in sexy games, bondage, etc.), I question how anyone could arrive at introducing extra-curricular activities into their sex lives without some kind of societal influence. No one lives in a vacuum and it is more impossible today than it was 20 years ago. I also personally don’t like the use of the word “weirder”, but that’s a whole other argument I could have.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks for the question! As you might expect, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. The quote comes from a post Sheila wrote about the dangers porn can create in a marriage. We agree: porn is dangerous to your marriage. Your sexuality should be focused on your spouse.

However, porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

It’s worth adding that men aren’t the only ones looking at porn — women also consume and are influenced by porn. Surveys indicate that a higher percentage of men than women view porn, but up to 30% of women are willing to admit to Cosmo that they view porn “daily” or “once every few days”. I’d bet that the actual number — women who won’t admit it — is higher.

Finally, let’s talk about “weird” sex. Literally:

1. involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny:

2. fantastic; bizarre:

3. Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.

I don’t think people mean supernatural, so let’s go with definition number two: fantastic or bizarre. Neither word is inherently negative.

Fantastic: conceived by an unrestrained imagination; odd and remarkable; extravagantly fanciful; marvelous; incredibly great or extreme; exorbitant; highly unrealistic or impractical.

Bizarre: markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd.

In both cases, “weird” is opposite to “normal” — so what’s normal? The Bible doesn’t differentiate between normal sex and weird sex, only between Godly sex and sinful sex. The only way to define “normal” is with reference to some environment and culture. Something normal in one place and time, to one person, may be weird to another. Normal and weird are determined by your perspective and your biases. Godly and sinful are determined by God.

Some sex act may be normal and sinful at the same time, or Godly and weird at the same time. Consider:

So, that’s the long way of saying: “weird” is in the eye of the beholder. With a few limits, if you want to do it and your spouse agrees, go for it.

I think there are also two other things a person can mean when they use the word “weird”.

First, they can simply mean: “I don’t want to do that”. It’s perfectly acceptable to be apprehensive about some sex act, but it’s important to communicate and explain why. Saying something is “weird” is a passive-aggressive way of shaming your spouse into hiding their desire. Don’t use “weird” as an excuse to just say no.

Second, “weird” can mean novel, something new. We definitely don’t think it’s wrong to seek out new ways to enjoy sex with your spouse! We write about that all the time. As Sheila would seem to agree, we do recommend prioritizing penis-in-vagina sex, but we also think it’s healthy to push your boundaries and explore new things. A desire for new experiences is common in many areas of life, not just sex. You may not like everything you try, and that’s ok!

Finally, check out that third definition for “weird”: controlling fate or destiny. All sex is weird like that!

What do you think? Fantastic, bizarre, novel? How does culture influence your sexual relationship with your spouse?

Update: Commenter Juliettte makes some great observations about the positive effects that culture can have on married sex!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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