We’ve got quite a mailbag for your today!
Wife “MA” writes:
My husband likes to call me names and imagine that I am a prostitute during sex. I have a difficult time playing along and not taking it personally. Is this ok in God’s eyes? Should I just toughen up and let him have his fantasy?
The Bible doesn’t get into specifics about what exactly is ok in the bedroom. El Fury and I believe that as long as it is between the husband and the wife, and acceptable to both, it’s not a sin. If your conscience is telling you that you are sinning, you should listen to it and pray about the matter. If something continues to make you uncomfortable, you should definitely talk to your husband about it. We find it helpful to focus conversations like this in a positive direction. Rather than saying “I don’t like it when you…”, you can approach it more like, “this makes me uncomfortable, but I really want to explore together, how we can try something similar that’s exciting for both of us?” Check out our role-playing section for some ideas that might be more to your liking.
Husband “ES” writes:
I’d love an outside female opinion. My wife’s and my sex life hasn’t panned out how I thought it would be. After more than a decade of marriage and four kids, I have rarely felt like our relationship was a priority to her. Work, friends, family, and kids all seem to take precedence over me. Sometimes we have sex once a week, but often we go weeks or months with her rejecting or ignoring my desire for sex. We have had direct talks. We have gone to martial counseling, she stops attending when sex comes up.
I have read yours and many other blog and books. I try not to have a contract or demand payment of sex. I do try to woo her. I plan all the dates, arrange the sitter, plan vacations. I recently thought we were on the cusp of making some improvements.
But then six months ago she started going to a women’s “Bible study”. The group leaders believe that I only want sex is because I’m “addicted” and have issues I need to resolve. (I’m not perfect but I don’t watch porn or masturbate) The group told my wife we should stop having sex for 40 days until I’m “better”, and my wife agreed!
My heart broke. I am furious. This group has become yet another higher priority over me. Really, I don’t know what my next step is for sex, or even how our marriage will look with this “women’s Bible study” calling the shots. Please help!
Pray, pray, pray! We’ve seen God work miracles in marriages. It can be hard for men and women to understand each other, especially in the realm of sex because typically men have higher libidos than women do. It could be helpful for her to understand that nearly all men will want more sex, and there is nothing perverse about it — it’s how God designed us. With that in mind, there is not going to be a point where you stop pursuing your wife for sex. It’s a healthy, on-going desire. She should understand that you will always want her sexually, and she’s the way God intends to meet your need. God’s will is for your sex life with your spouse to be abundant!
Here are a couple of posts you might want to read with your wife:
- The 7 (Sex) Habits: Series Introduction — with a discussion of the abundance mentality
- How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex
El Fury adds: I suggest taking every possible Godly step to extricate your wife from that group of women. They’re harming your marriage and could end up destroying your family.
Wife “BE” writes:
Thank you for sharing this wealth of information. I’m sure so many Christian women like myself find themselves sinking in loneliness with nowhere to go for non-judgemental discussion. This site is a good refreshment.
I’ve been having a strange and shameful sexual fantasy recently, and I need some input on whether it’s ok and worth exploring. In my fantasy, I’m wearing a short skirt with no panties, and a silky blouse with no bra. Then I go out and do some outdoor street-preaching. Why do I want to do this ? I’m not even sure … could it be that I want to be looked at as a whore while I speak about holiness and repentance? Maybe even if no one knows, maybe it’s the idea of being a Godly woman whose private and sacred bits are uncovered.
This fantasy has been a huge turn on for me, I can’t help indulging in it while touching myself. Even though I’d love to take it a step forward, I’m terribly apprehensive … first of being found out by someone within the crowd listening, and second by maybe going too far and grieving the Holy Spirit. I really need help.
Fantasies and thoughts can be strange and interesting — we don’t really know where they come from! God tells us to share our testimony with others… if you were carrying out this fantasy in real-life would you really be focused on bringing others to Christ? Would it simply make evangelism somehow more exciting or thrilling? Would you be using people as unknowing props? The fantasy does sound like a really fun role-playing scenario, but I encourage you to pray about it and have an open heart to God’s response. I can’t be your Holy Spirit, but if living out the fantasy will lead you or someone else into sin then it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t do it.
Finally, husband “DI” writes:
I have a question for you but first I want to say that my wife and I have really enjoyed and grown a lot in our marriage because of this site and the advice you guys offer! So thank you so much!
My question is this… having talked with my wife many times about finishing in her mouth and getting her thoughts on it, what it comes down to for her is that she doesn’t like the consistency of my semen. She has this problem with other foods as well, like yogurt. Is there anything that can be done to change the consistency of semen? I drink lots of water so that isn’t a problem. I know you can change the taste of semen (like with pineapple), but how about the consistency?
From what we read, it does seem like drinking lots of water is important, so good job. Beyond that, there doesn’t seem to be much solid information about changing the consistency or texture of semen. That said, here are a few ideas that might help your wife.
- Your wife can try taking your penis deeper into her mouth so that most of the semen just goes down her throat. Then she won’t have to worry about texture much at all.
- Your wife can hold something else in her mouth while she performs oral, like a mint or gum. This will “dilute” the texture of your semen and may also create an
enjoyable sensation for you. - You can ejaculate more frequently. Semen can get very thick or viscous if you haven’t ejaculated in a while.
If you and your wife try these, please report back and let us know how they go. Meanwhile, here are a few related posts:
- Yes, You Should Swallow — The site’s #1 post.
- Q&A: How Do I Get My Wife to Swallow and Enjoy It?
- “He was thrilled!” — Swallowing and Enjoying It
Have a great week everyone. We’re praying that God would give you a joyful and abundant sex life with your spouse.
Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.
RE: Wife “BE” and her fantasy to dress seductively while preaching the gospel. The only part about this that I see is a problem is the seductive part. It’s the short skirt and no panties and no bra that sexualizes the activity.
There is no issue with the human body used to preach the word of God. Saul, Isaiah, and Micah all were naked at the leading of the Spirit of God while prophesying in public.
There is an aversion in the USA to the naked body due to an assumption that nakedness is always sexual. We know that this is not the case since the majority of the time we spend naked, there is not sexual activity happening.
People will claim that the Bible says that nakedness is wrong, but this is NOT the truth. A careful re-reading of these passages in the Bible is needed. What follows are just a few examples, but there are many more.
–Paul was not telling Timothy’s church to keep clothes on, but to not wear expensive clothes and to put on good works and humility.
–God did not command Adam and Eve to wear clothes. They realized they were naked only after they “gained wisdom” from the forbidden tree. According to the Bible, that was an example of wisdom lost (all of Adam and Eve’s judgements were objectively poor after they sinned).
–Paul reminded his readers multiple times of the Olympians who ran, wrestled, and boxed with vivid imagery of their exclusively naked competitions.
Throughout the Bible, there are references to nakedness and shame, and clothing and righteousness. Those who were poor were chronically naked. They weren’t able to cover themselves to keep warm. Nakedness was a vivid symbol of poverty in ancient times when clothing was expensive. God is telling us that those who are spiritually naked (they haven’t gone to God for forgiveness) have real shame.
We cannot be righteous because of clothing. Only Jesus can give us righteousness. We therefore cannot be unrighteous because of nakedness as many have been unable to clothe themselves due to poverty throughout history.
All of this is to say that preaching naked is acceptable to God. However, the laws in the majority of the USA would lead to the preacher being arrested.
The alternative is to do this in a naked friendly location, like a nude beach or a naturist resort.
The only thing that would cause God displeasure is to try to use it for sexual reasons. Nakedness is thrilling the first time it is done in front of others regardless of the intent. However, the intent should not be for sexual gratification.
Clearly, the seductive clothing is the only part which can be problematic.
“Your wife can hold something else in her mouth while she performs oral, like a mint or gum.”
Was this written by a man?! I don’t think so as my husband would definitely not want gum in my mouth when his penis is there. I wouldn’t want that either. It seems like a totally obnoxious bother and the risk of swallowing the gum seems really high. And the end result is either a penis with gum sticking to it or a semen flavored gum to spit out. NO THANK YOU!!! lol, was that suggestion written by AI?
Your other advice on managing semen are spot on. If you want to dilute the semen, I can suggest sucking really hard when you want him to finish. This will produce a lot of saliva which will dilute the semen taste. The result is that my mouth is absolutely full of liquid, saliva and semen. My husband likes the idea of that much fluid. He says that that is the absolute greatest feeling for him. It is a lot of work for me, and I would really rather he just be deeper in my mouth and I taste nothing. I do his favorite thing once in a while. It is best to not give the special treats too often.
Prostitute role playing: I would NOT be ok with my husband calling me a whore or a slut in the bedroom. But it seems that many men and women enjoy that.
My husband and I do enjoy role playing. He wanted to role play me being a prostitute and him picking me up. I was game for it, but I insisted that it NOT be in our home town.
I didn’t want anyone to see us and think that I really am a prostitute. I also thought that just going back to our home would really compromise the fantasy aspect.
On our next trip out of town, my husband pulled into the motel and checked in. While he was checking in, I got out of the car and wandered away for a few blocks. Then he drove around looking for me. When he found me, he pulled over and we “negotiated” a service. Then we drove back to the motel and did that thing.
He said it was really hot. It was also a turnon for me. He remained in character and acted excited and overjoyed when I did a thing which I do all the time. That reminded me of our Honeymoon period.
For reader ES I would suggest some diagnostic questions:
1. Does your wife orgasm when y’all have sex? (i.e., Is sex enjoyable for her)
2. Does your wife believe or has she internalized an “obligation sex” message that sex is something that only men need and that women are obligated to provide in marriage? Such a message can depress desire and build resentment over time.
3. What is your wife’s day to day mental load? You mentioned work, friends, family, and kids being higher priorities. Is it possible part of that is because she has a very high mental load? It is good that you are taking on planning dates and vacations, but are there ways you could take more of the load on a day to day basis?
Appreciate a place to somewhat privately have conversations like these, thanks for putting up with it!