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We’ve got quite a mailbag for your today!

Wife “MA” writes:

My husband likes to call me names and imagine that I am a prostitute during sex. I have a difficult time playing along and not taking it personally. Is this ok in God’s eyes? Should I just toughen up and let him have his fantasy?

The Bible doesn’t get into specifics about what exactly is ok in the bedroom. El Fury and I believe that as long as it is between the husband and the wife, and acceptable to both, it’s not a sin. If your conscience is telling you that you are sinning, you should listen to it and pray about the matter. If something continues to make you uncomfortable, you should definitely talk to your husband about it. We find it helpful to focus conversations like this in a positive direction. Rather than saying “I don’t like it when you…”, you can approach it more like, “this makes me uncomfortable, but I really want to explore together, how we can try something similar that’s exciting for both of us?” Check out our role-playing section for some ideas that might be more to your liking.

Husband “ES” writes:

I’d love an outside female opinion. My wife’s and my sex life hasn’t panned out how I thought it would be. After more than a decade of marriage and four kids, I have rarely felt like our relationship was a priority to her. Work, friends, family, and kids all seem to take precedence over me. Sometimes we have sex once a week, but often we go weeks or months with her rejecting or ignoring my desire for sex. We have had direct talks. We have gone to martial counseling, she stops attending when sex comes up.

I have read yours and many other blog and books. I try not to have a contract or demand payment of sex. I do try to woo her. I plan all the dates, arrange the sitter, plan vacations. I recently thought we were on the cusp of making some improvements.

But then six months ago she started going to a women’s “Bible study”. The group leaders believe that I only want sex is because I’m “addicted” and have issues I need to resolve. (I’m not perfect but I don’t watch porn or masturbate) The group told my wife we should stop having sex for 40 days until I’m “better”, and my wife agreed!

My heart broke. I am furious. This group has become yet another higher priority over me. Really, I don’t know what my next step is for sex, or even how our marriage will look with this “women’s Bible study” calling the shots. Please help!

Pray, pray, pray! We’ve seen God work miracles in marriages. It can be hard for men and women to understand each other, especially in the realm of sex because typically men have higher libidos than women do. It could be helpful for her to understand that nearly all men will want more sex, and there is nothing perverse about it — it’s how God designed us. With that in mind, there is not going to be a point where you stop pursuing your wife for sex. It’s a healthy, on-going desire. She should understand that you will always want her sexually, and she’s the way God intends to meet your need. God’s will is for your sex life with your spouse to be abundant!

Here are a couple of posts you might want to read with your wife:

El Fury adds: I suggest taking every possible Godly step to extricate your wife from that group of women. They’re harming your marriage and could end up destroying your family.

Wife “BE” writes:

Thank you for sharing this wealth of information. I’m sure so many Christian women like myself find themselves sinking in loneliness with nowhere to go for non-judgemental discussion. This site is a good refreshment.

I’ve been having a strange and shameful sexual fantasy recently, and I need some input on whether it’s ok and worth exploring. In my fantasy, I’m wearing a short skirt with no panties, and a silky blouse with no bra. Then I go out and do some outdoor street-preaching. Why do I want to do this ? I’m not even sure … could it be that I want to be looked at as a whore while I speak about holiness and repentance? Maybe even if no one knows, maybe it’s the idea of being a Godly woman whose private and sacred bits are uncovered.

This fantasy has been a huge turn on for me, I can’t help indulging in it while touching myself. Even though I’d love to take it a step forward, I’m terribly apprehensive … first of being found out by someone within the crowd listening, and second by maybe going too far and grieving the Holy Spirit. I really need help.

Fantasies and thoughts can be strange and interesting — we don’t really know where they come from! God tells us to share our testimony with others… if you were carrying out this fantasy in real-life would you really be focused on bringing others to Christ? Would it simply make evangelism somehow more exciting or thrilling? Would you be using people as unknowing props? The fantasy does sound like a really fun role-playing scenario, but I encourage you to pray about it and have an open heart to God’s response. I can’t be your Holy Spirit, but if living out the fantasy will lead you or someone else into sin then it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t do it.

Finally, husband “DI” writes:

I have a question for you but first I want to say that my wife and I have really enjoyed and grown a lot in our marriage because of this site and the advice you guys offer! So thank you so much!

My question is this… having talked with my wife many times about finishing in her mouth and getting her thoughts on it, what it comes down to for her is that she doesn’t like the consistency of my semen. She has this problem with other foods as well, like yogurt. Is there anything that can be done to change the consistency of semen? I drink lots of water so that isn’t a problem. I know you can change the taste of semen (like with pineapple), but how about the consistency?

From what we read, it does seem like drinking lots of water is important, so good job. Beyond that, there doesn’t seem to be much solid information about changing the consistency or texture of semen. That said, here are a few ideas that might help your wife.

  • Your wife can try taking your penis deeper into her mouth so that most of the semen just goes down her throat. Then she won’t have to worry about texture much at all.
  • Your wife can hold something else in her mouth while she performs oral, like a mint or gum. This will “dilute” the texture of your semen and may also create an
    enjoyable sensation for you.
  • You can ejaculate more frequently. Semen can get very thick or viscous if you haven’t ejaculated in a while.

If you and your wife try these, please report back and let us know how they go. Meanwhile, here are a few related posts:

Have a great week everyone. We’re praying that God would give you a joyful and abundant sex life with your spouse.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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What does the Bible say about sexual openness and adventure within your marriage? How can you become more open and adventurous with your spouse?

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

The 7 (Sex) Habits: Series Introduction (abundance mentality): https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/the-7-sex-habits-of-highly-effective-people-series-introduction/

Level-Up Your Sex Life: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/level-up-your-sex-life/

Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/do-whatever-it-takes-to-give-your-wife-as-many-orgasms-as-she-wants/

Sex in Song of Solomon Series: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/tag/song-of-solomon/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 41:41 — 43.5MB)

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This post is an introduction to a new series based on “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” by Stephen R. Covey. The ideas in “7 Habits” have been applied in many different contexts, and I think there are lessons that can be applied in our sex lives with our spouses. As always, our thoughts will be guided by Biblical truth, and I think you’ll see that the 7 Habits work very well in the context of a Christian marriage.

As I write the posts, I’ll add links to this list of the 7 Habits.

  1. Be proactive
  2. Begin with the end in mind
  3. Put first things first
  4. Think win-win
  5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
  6. Synergize
  7. Sharpen the saw

If you’ve never been exposed to the 7 Habits before you may be thinking that they’re a bunch of modern pseudo-psychological gobbledygook, but that’s not true. The posts in this series will include specific, concrete behaviors that you and your spouse can use to improve your sex life. We’ve written before about the power of habits to create real and persistent change in your life, and even though the Bible doesn’t use the word “habit” there are many passages that command us to build positive patterns of behavior. Here are a few examples:

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Proverbs 3:1-2 “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.”

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

1 Corinthians 11:1-2 “Be imitators of me [Paul], as I am of Christ. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you.”

Proverbs 4:20-27:

My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot away from evil.

This series will look at each of the 7 Habits and discuss how to apply them in a Biblical manner to improve your sex life with your spouse.

I will conclude this introduction by mentioning a key tenet that is woven throughout the 7 Habits: the abundance mentality. The basic idea is that in most circumstances there is enough of everything for both spouses to get what they need from the marriage. Unless you each want exactly different things, there’s a way for both of you to be satisfied. Habit 4 (“think win-win”) builds directly on this concept, but the mindset is of broad applicability. The abundance mentality stands in contrast to the scarcity mentality — the belief that there isn’t enough for both of us. The abundance mentality isn’t magical thinking, and isn’t about actually having more. The abundance mentality is about acting on the expectation that the resources you have (e.g., time, money, attention, energy) can be used in a way that pleases you both.

The scarcity mindset says:

  • There isn’t enough for everyone, so I’d better get my share now
  • If I don’t get my way now, I never will
  • Only one of us can win this argument (and it’s going to be me)
  • I give her what she wants, but she never gives me what I want
  • How can I get more?

The abundance mindset says:

  • There’s plenty for both of us
  • When she wins, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost
  • I can give away my time/energy/prestige/power/recognition now because there will be plenty more later
  • We can reach a decision that lets us both win
  • How can I give more?

As Christians, we have more assurance of abundance than anyone else in the world! The abundance of God is obviously not mere worldly possessions, but the fullness of a life built on the foundation of Jesus Christ.

John 10:10 “[Jesus said] The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Luke 6:37-38 “[Jesus said] Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

Matthew 6:33-34 “[Jesus said] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things [worldly needs] will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

I challenge you to begin thinking about your marriage and your sex life with an abundance mindset! Your sex life is not a competition over who gets what they want. You both have needs in your marriage, and there is plenty of sex, time, energy, and love to satisfy you both. Pray that God would show you his abundance in your marriage.

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