What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually?

What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? 1

When your spouse asks what you want sexually, do you give a safe answer because you aren’t sure how he or she will respond to the full truth? Paul Byerly writes this with regards to husbands specifically, but the same is true for wives.

In my post a couple of weeks ago, I said, “Ask him what he wants you to do for him sexually. Then when he’s told you, ask him what he really wants.”

The safe answer isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the full truth. The safe answer is in line with your spouse’s expectations — it won’t surprise your spouse, and it won’t rock the boat. The safe answer says that everything is “pretty good”, and maybe I’d like 10% more oral sex.

Why are husbands reluctant to go beyond the safe answer?

Most decent guys are concerned they are oversexed perverts. Of they fear their wife would see them as such if they knew what he really wants. So if she asks, he gives her the mildest stuff and sees how she reacts. If he sees or thinks he sees any non-positive reaction, he’s done. He will make a point of never asking for anything more than that. The other thing that will shut him down is not doing what he mentioned in the next month or so.

A husband wants to be respected and accepted, and going beyond the safe answer risks judgement and rejection from the person he loves and needs most in the world.

What about wives? There are always exceptions, but typically wives aren’t worried about being rejected for being too “crazy”. We’d love to hear from readers on this, but Paul writes that some wives are reluctant to ask for reliable orgasms.

A lot of women sell themselves short here. For example “I don’t need to come every time” is true for some, but some who say that would really, really like to orgasm at least 99% of the times they have sex. Or maybe when she was young not climaxing every time was okay, but it’s been a problem for more than a decade and she doesn’t know how to ask for a change.

You need to put in some patient, trusting effort to get past the safe answer. It will take time for you both to open up and share at a deeper level. Sexy Corte and I talked about Harnessing Your Sexual Fantasies in a recent podcast episode, so listen there for some tips on having this conversation.

If you want to know his deepest sexual desires, you’ll have to coax it out of him a bit at a time. Besides his fear, odds are he really doesn’t know what he wants. He never expects to get it, so thinking about it just makes him unhappy. Other guys could give a long list of things they want to try, and the reality is they would cross many things off the list after trying them once or twice. It’s hard to know if you will enjoy something until you try it.

It’s not uncommon to try something new and discover that it wasn’t as fun as you expected. Frankly, 95% of the sex positions you’ll find online are like that. It’s ok to try something new and then set it aside. Maybe you’ll try again later, or maybe neither of you will feel like doing it again. Sexy Corte and I felt this way about me ejaculating on her face and body. Some people really enjoy that, but for us it was unfulfilling.

If you want to thrill him and give him all the things he didn’t even know he wanted, you can. Just keep asking what he wants. Show him you won’t freak out and he will open up a bit more. Do some of what he talks about, and he will open up even more. If he brings up something you don’t think you want to do, tell him you’re not up to that right now, and ask him to suggest a couple of other things.

Assuming the request is within the boundaries God has set, if at all possible, say “yes” with enthusiasm — this alone will level-up your sex life. Saying “yes” should be a no-brainer for husbands: if your wife wants more orgasms then hop to it! For wives with … creative … husbands it might be more intimidating to say yes to everything, but here are a couple of ideas that can make it easier.

  • “I’ll do my best, but we might need to shift gears if it isn’t working.” Sex can be difficult, so you should both be free change things if it isn’t working in the moment. Commit to try your best even if you aren’t sure you can succeed.
  • “I’ll be happy to do this once in a while, but I’d rather not do it every time.” Some sexual activities are best in moderation, and not appealing for every sexual encounter. Offer a frequency — say, once a month — and be enthusiastic when the time comes.
  • “I don’t think I can do that right now, but how about next week?” Maybe the mood, time, or energy level just isn’t suitable right now, but you’re willing to psyche yourself up and prepare for this activity a bit later.
  • “I’m not comfortable with that right now, but you can ask me again in three months.” This answer isn’t great, but you can use it if you’re really unsure or uncomfortable with the request but don’t want to close the door completely. Give your spouse an opportunity to ask again, and look for a way to say yes.

The spouse doing the asking must show love, consideration, and restraint. Nagging and pestering aren’t attractive or effective for building up your sex life. If you don’t get a “yes” try not to withdraw from your spouse or the conversation. It’s good to be direct and honest, even if you don’t get what you want. Take your request to God and see how he answers. If you do feel moved to ask your spouse again, consider waiting several months and take a simple “yes” or “no” without turning the request into an interrogation.

Do you know what your spouse really wants? How did you find out? Let us know in the comments!

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  1. Let me preface this by saying that my husband and I have a good sex life. It’s frequent, it’s passionate, it’s intimate, and it’s mutually satisfying. That said, there are some things I want in bed (and have always wanted) that my husband won’t do and when I brought it up in the past, he reacted very negatively… so I was embarrassed and pretty much never brought it up again. (If you must know, the thing i want is nothing too crazy… but I’m into the idea of him being more dominant/forceful/maybe spanking me a little, stuff like that 🙈 it just really turns me on.) But my husband is very mild-mannered and he thought this was weird and gross when I casually hinted that I liked it, and the 1-2 times we tried it, I could tell he was hating it and it wasn’t him. So there’s that. When he asks me if there is anything else I want in bed, of course I give the safe answer! It’s a major fetish for me but I’m not about to press the issue just for him to make me feel like a pervert. I really can’t complain and he’s a great lover, but sometimes I’m sad that I’ll never get to experience my biggest fantasy.

    1. Tory, we’ve written quite a bit about spanking here, maybe you could share one of those posts with your husband? He might enjoy being more dominant if that behavior was included in a game or pre-planned kind of foreplay.

      It’s really important to emphasize with him that this kind of sex-play is play — that it’s something you want, something fun, and not “real” forcefulness or punishment.

      If you decide to bring it up with your husband again please let us know how it goes.

    2. Building off what El Fury said I would suggest two things…

      1. Explain the deeper reason behind your desire. Your husband may be assuming that your desire for him to be more dominant is based on something negative (i.e., he may think you are desiring him to be demeaning to you, which is a non-starter for a loving husband).

      I don’t know if this is what you are thinking of but my personal theory of the root cause of the sexual desire to “dominate” or “be dominated” comes down to desirability.

      Husbands and wives want to feel irresistible to their spouses. To be so alluring that their spouse can’t help but rip their clothes off and go to town. To be so accepted that their spouses will let them rip their spouse’s clothes off and go to town.

      Explaining things in those terms will make a lot more sense to a loving husband.

      2. Intermediate steps. Maybe your husband isn’t into things like spanking but he may be up for using more dominant positions (such as doggy style).

  2. My husband and I have been working on adding in new things – almost completely at my initiation. We went at least 10 years where I felt like we were in a rut and I was unhappy with our sex life. When I ask him what he wants, he insists there isn’t anything, that he was perfectly happy before we started changing things up. Like Tory, we’ve been working on him being more dominant, but it’s hard because it definitely seems counter to his nature, and I feel like we’ll never get to the point I want. But I know that I’m lucky that he’s trying, and we have definitely made at least some progress. I wish I had spoken up years before. We always talk about how intimate sex is, but it’s incredible how hard it can be sometimes to fully embrace that intimacy and vulnerability with each other.

    1. we’ve been working on him being more dominant, but it’s hard because it definitely seems counter to his nature

      Loving husbands are very aware of their strength and extremely careful in how they use it with their wives, both physically and emotionally. If you want your husband to be more dominant you might consider being more explicit with what that looks like to you. E.g., “It’s ok if you… throw me on the bed… hold me down… spank my butt… etc.” You can also reassure him that you will speak up if you’re uncomfortable. If he’s being overly cautious you can tell him, “I’m not as fragile as you think, I won’t break if you handle me a little more strongly. I’ll tell you if I need you to back off.”

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