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Sexy Corte and I just listened to divorce lawyer James Sexton on the Lex Fridman podcast, and he offered a bunch of interesting relationship advice from his perspective as a person who has had a front-row seat to thousands of divorces. (We shouldn’t need to say it, but we will: we don’t endorse all his advice!)

Sexton says that the number one predictor of a break-up is disconnection — when spouses stop trying to impress each other and stop doing the little things that demonstrate their love for each other. He illustrated this idea with a story called “granola and blow jobs” that you can read on his blog.

I was speaking with a female client once, during a long wait in Family Court before a divorce was finalized. I asked her when she knew her marriage was officially over and she told me, in an uncharacteristically nostalgic and melancholy tone, that it was NOT when she caught him texting with his mistress, and NOT when she found the bank records that showed he was gambling his entire bonus rather than bringing it home. It was months before all that when she noticed, for the first time, that he stopped buying her granola.

“There was this particular brand of granola that I like and when we were first dating and married he would always notice when I was running low on it and get me a new bag of it when he would go to Whole Foods for lunch (he worked in the Time Warner Center above the Whole Foods). I never mentioned it to him – I don’t know that I really noticed all that much that he did it – but it was a nice feeling – that he noticed I was low on my favorite granola, and that he knew it was my favorite, and that he was thinking of me while he was in Whole Foods and brought it home for me and didn’t even think to point it out and try to “get credit” for all of that. It was just something he did because he was thinking of me and knew this silly small unique thing gave me pleasure. One day I noticed I was out of that granola and he hadn’t bought it for me. I was a little surprised but I didn’t think much of it. The next time I ran out I left the bag on the counter as a subtle hint – but he never bought it for me again. I think there was a part of me that knew, at that moment, I was no longer on his radar and things were heading south.”

I asked her if there was anything like that on her end of the relationship and she replied flatly:

“Blow jobs.”

I almost spit out my coffee.

“I know it sounds silly and it might be inappropriate to say – but I used to give him blow jobs a few times per week. It took all of five minutes in the morning and for the rest of the day he was all giddy and happy. I got a kick out of how much he enjoyed it. But after some time married I started sleeping in a bit more and I just didn’t think to take that five minutes to do it. Plus I had this feeling of, I don’t know, resentment – like I don’t OWE him a blow job and I’ve got 50 things to do today – he can wait until I get home tonight and we can have sex so both of us enjoy it. But I guess that was his granola in some ways. I don’t know.”

So there it is. Granola and blow jobs.

What are the little things you do for your spouse that demonstrate your love? Don’t forget to consider your love languages (and podcast episode)! If you want your spouse to feel loved you should try to speak in their love language, not only your own. If you want to feel more loved, learn to recognize when your spouse is trying to show you love in their native love language, even if it’s not your own.

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Tips for applying The Five Love Languages to your sex life. This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

The Five Love Languages and Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/books/the-five-love-languages-and-sex/

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 16:44 — 18.3MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS | About the Podcast

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Hannah Smothers at Cosmo is mad at husbands who enjoy giving orgasms to their wives.

It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women. To make matters worse, a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.

“Despite increasing focus on women’s orgasms, research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric,” researchers wrote.

I’m glad that scientists are investigating such esoteric topics! I can confirm that this husband really enjoys pleasuring his wife, even if it complicates the conceptualization of her orgasm. I feel like orgasms are something we experience together, rather than being “centric” on just one of us.

What about the idea of “giving” an orgasm to your spouse?

In a separate statement from Chadwick and van Anders, they explained why it’s a bad thing for men to gain masculinity points for bringing female partners to orgasm. “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”

I completely agree that as a husband it feels incredibly empowering to give my wife an orgasm, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Most of the time that Sexy Corte orgasms we’re using a vibrator and she’s on top and in control of the movement. This is the easiest way for her to reach orgasm, and since we have more lust than time we often aim for efficiency. This position is good for me and I enjoy sharing in the pleasure of her orgasm, but it’s not the same as when I give her an orgasm while I’m in a more dominant role. That is a sort of “achievement”, but it’s also very rewarding to know that the woman I love and adore can receive such pleasure from me.

The joy of giving is the reward for assuming the dominant role and doing most of the work in a sexual encounter. It takes work to give pleasure, whether that’s simply an orgasm or a whole sexual experience like trivia night, shibari rope bondage, or poetry night. It takes care and effort to prepare questions, learn how to tie knots, or write poetry, and the reward for that effort is the joy you get from giving to the one you love.

Furthermore, giving pleasure isn’t a one-way street as Cosmo implies. A wife can also find it joyful and rewarding to give pleasure to her husband, and a husband can appreciate the time and effort involved and take joy in the wife who loves him. When Sexy Corte performs oral sex or cleans the ceiling fan it hits me right in my primary love language (Acts of Service, which may also be why I enjoy giving so much).

Far from being harmful, joyfully giving pleasure to your spouse will enhance intimacy and deepen the love and commitment you have for each other. Each spouse can both give and receive pleasure, and your sex life and marriage will be better for it.

How do you approach giving and receiving in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

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I don’t know about you all, but this month has been crazy busy for our family! Here are a bunch of great links that have been piling up in my inbox.

Eye candy — Tasty and low-carb. Watching Sexy Corte undress or do anything naked is awesome, especially chores or cooking — probably because acts of services is my primary love language.

Fun things to do in the nude — For when you have the house to yourselves. Why wear clothes on your stay-cation?

How often are healthy couples having sex? — More sex leads to better sex, and we recommend building a habit of daily sex.

Should you get a sex pillow? — We have two wedge pillows with clips to attach cuffs. Very versatile.

Foreplay moves that will actually turn you on — And husbands, yes, it’s worth shaving.

Rear entry with her on top — We enjoy doggy style, but haven’t tried it much with Sexy Corte in the more active role.

How your marriage can benefit from technology — Other than vibrators or sex robots of course! Always use discretion when bringing any outside influence into your marriage.

Growth spurt fellatio technique — The best way to wake up. What’s your favorite thing you wife does during oral sex? Mine isn’t on the poll: it’s when Sexy Corte has an orgasm with me in her mouth.

Adding slang to your sex life — Check out the history of sexual slang.

Romantic Jenga — Here’s a list of sexy activities you can use for your blocks.

Have a great week! Share any more great links in the comments.

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On this blog we tend to spend the most words on the physical and mental dimensions of sex with your spouse: topics like games, positions, role-playing, toys, and having more sex. We also talk a lot about the spiritual dimension of sex, about how God wants sex in your marriage to be awesome and fulfilling. Today I want to talk about the fourth dimension: emotion. As your marriage matures and grows, the emotional intensity of sex with your spouse can wane over time. Sex can be fun and frequent, but the emotions may fade to the background as you grow comfortable with your spouse.

It may not be realistic to expect to recapture all the joy and wonder of your honeymoon and maintain it for decades, but here are a few ideas for increasing the level of intimacy in your sex life.

  • Eye contact. Instead of closing your eyes and focusing inward, keep your eyes open and on your spouse. Look each other in the eyes while you touch each other and when you climax. Eye contact is one of the most primal, direct forms of intimacy in any social situation. It shows that your attention is completely focused on one thing only: the person you’re looking at. You can’t make eye contact with two things at once! Eye contact during sex may feel awkward, embarrassing, or vulnerable at first, but with a little practice (and humor) it can add a lot of intimacy to your sex life.
  • Kiss more. Remember how much you made out when you were dating? Sexy Corte and I would make out for hours while “watching a movie”, and not even remember what we supposedly watched. Instead of jumping straight for the genitals, make kissing a significant part of foreplay and sex.
  • Responsiveness. Moan, scream, talk explicitly about what feels good and where. As I wrote in the linked post: “What’s more intimate than crying out your spouse’s name when you climax? When you’re sexually responsive to your spouse you’re sharing the most personal, internal details about yourself, private knowledge about your secret inner workings that no one else gets to experience. If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.”
  • Enthusiasm. As the song says, “I want you to want me / I need you to need me”. Enthusiasm and eagerness for sex increase intimacy — no one needs to feel pressure ask for sex in the “right” way, to perform, or to look a certain way. Enthusiasm builds your spouse’s confidence and breaks down the walls of insecurity that hinder intimacy.
  • Hold hands. Even if you’re in a position that limits eye contact, it’s often possible to hold hands during sex. Holding hands is an innocent intimacy, and a special sign of love and friendship.
  • Orgasm together. This can be difficult unless you’re really in tune with each other. I always try to make sure that I don’t climax before Sexy Corte — because that’s just disappointing — and it’s tricky to hit my peak just when she hits hers. If you want to try this, have the wife do her best to give her husband a few seconds warning before she actually reaches orgasm, and then let him follow as best as he can.
  • Vulnerability. Intimacy is increased when one person trusts another enough to show vulnerability, and that trust is rewarded and respected. Vulnerability can be mental, emotional, or physical. It can be embarrassing to tell your spouse, hey, I’d really like to play Sexy Jenga, or, I’d really like you to swallow — there’s a risk of judgement or rejection. Similarly, there’s physical vulnerability involved with bondage or spanking, and emotional vulnerability to wearing lingerie or asking for more sex. But each time one of you offers vulnerability and the other rewards and respects it, the door is opened for greater vulnerability, trust, and intimacy. The surest way to shut down intimacy is to punish vulnerability from your spouse.
  • Speak your spouse’s love language. Your spouse will receive your love best when you speak his love language. Our inclination is to show love in our own love language, because it’s the most natural for us, but that’s not the best way to touch your spouse’s heart. Learn his or her love language and use it during foreplay and sex.
  • Stay positive. Not every sexual encounter will go perfectly. Not every game, toy, or position you try will work. Not every date will be magical. Not every disagreement will go your way. Despite all these realities, fight hard inside yourself to stay positive about your sex life. Be willing to say yes again and again. Work to improve yourself. Communicate with your spouse, especially when it’s embarrassing or awkward. Laugh together, forgive quickly, and go have great sex with a smile on your face.

Do you have any tips to share to increase intimacy during sex? Leave a comment!

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We hope the winter weather isn’t getting you down! Here are a few links that might warm things up for you.

Dancing for my husband: finding my inner sexy — Sexy dancing is sexy, and the appeal is the enthusiasm as much as the optics.

She loves foreplay — If he isn’t enjoying foreplay too, maybe you’re doing it wrong. Check out Old Faithful or any of our sex games.

Be a better lover, go out of your comfort zone — Make the most of your sexuality, you only live once.

Use multiple choice questions to learn about your spouse — Great idea! Someone needs to put together a list of multiple choice questions.

Instead of saying, “What do you need from me in bed?” I say, “What is the most important thing from me in bed? A) Paying attention to a particular body part, b) letting you do things to me even if I don’t think I’m in the mood, or c) doing something outside my comfort zone?”

5 ways to flirt — I like the “code words” idea… reminds me of secret message panties.

4 ways to love your husband when he’s being unlovable — #4 is “seduce the dude”, which I can confirm is effective.

Go ahead, be that couple — A little PDA won’t hurt anyone.

Time and sex — Suggestions for being more direct, which may seem unromantic but could nevertheless be helpful in this busy age.

Leave a note saying “Sex for both of us till 10, sex for just you till 11:30, and don’t even look at me sideways after midnight.”

Sleeping arrangements when you’ve got kids — Your bedroom is your sex room, no kids allowed! When I was a kid, I rarely even entered my parents’ bedroom.

Multiple orgasms for men — Kegels, prostate control…. I should try this out, but I’m skeptical. Giving Sexy Corte multiple orgasms is super awesome though.

Wives with higher sex drives — A series with multiple parts. Did women used to have higher sex drives than men?

Love dialects — We’ve written about love languages and sex, and here’s an example of digging deeper into quality time and physical touch.

If you want to share a link or your thoughts, leave a comment!

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This post is also available as a podcast dialogue: Podcast #019: Dialogue: The Five Love Languages and Sex

Sexy Corte and I are fans of Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages”. We first read the book when we were engaged, and we’ve frequently discussed the ideas in the book in the years since. We’ve gotten a lot of value from the concept of love languages both in our marriage and as we’ve been raising our children.

For those who aren’t familiar with the idea, it’s basically this: each person has a primary love language that they use to both give and receive love. If you learn a person’s love language, you’ll be better able to show him your love and recognize when he is showing love to you. We can learn to give and receive love in languages other than our primary language, if we put some effort into it. The give love languages that Chapman identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation.
  • Acts of service.
  • Receiving gifts.
  • Physical touch. (Not primarily sexual.)
  • Quality time.

(Side note: your love language is also probably the language you use to hurt someone else, and it’s the language that can hurt you the most. This is especially important to recognize when dealing with your spouse and children.)

So what does this have to do with sex? If you want to please your spouse sexually, do it in her love language! This is probably most applicable during foreplay, but the major themes can be carried through a whole sexual encounter. If you want to turn your spouse on in her love language, here are some ideas.

  • Words of affirmation. Talk dirty to her. Tell her how much you love her and want her. Tell her how sexy she is and what you want to do with her body. Tell him how big his penis is, how you can’t wait to feel it inside you. Tell him how your body quivers when he touches you. Pass him secret messages all day to build anticipation for the night. Use words to build up your spouse and communicate your passion and desire.
  • Acts of service. Ask your husband how he wants to make love tonight — tell him you’re up for anything. Tell him your body is his, he just has to take it. Offer him his favorite activity without being asked. Tell your wife that you want to focus on her pleasure tonight. Ask her how she wants to warm up and how she wants to orgasm. Add some sexuality to otherwise mundane acts of service, like a topless haircut. Let your spouse know that you want to use your body for their pleasure — how can I please you?
  • Receiving gifts. Give your wife a sneak peak of the new toy that just came in the mail. Tell your husband that you bought him a present — and you’re already wearing it under your clothes. Surprise your spouse with a sexy picture of yourself or a new lovemaking music mix. Give your husband the remote control for your vibrator when you arrive at the restaurant. Give your spouse something erotic that tells them you’ve been thinking of them.
  • Physical touch. Give your wife a massage — start clothed and gradually improve the situation. Take a bath or shower together and wash each other. Rub your hips against your husband as you kiss him when he gets home from work. Sit on his lap and spread your legs, take his hand and put it on your inner thigh. When you can tell he’s getting turned on, rub his erection through his pants and smile. Grab your wife by the hips when you kiss her.  Touch her hair, neck, lower back, and hip bones. Slip your fingers under her clothes. Spank her butt when she walks by. Hold hands. Make out. Let your hands linger a little longer than usual.
  • Quality time. This one may be the easiest, because you can do any of the things above and invest time to make it an activity with your spouse. Be alone together in your sex room. Make time to have sex in different places, and different ways. Plan an elaborate sex scenario. Do some edging.Tell your wife a sexy story. Play with your husband while you watch TV. Play a sex game together. The important thing is to set aside all your other responsibilities and give your spouse your devoted time and attention.

As you read through this list, if one of the bullets really hit home with you and you thought “yes, this is exactly what I want my spouse to do!”, then tell your spouse! It’s also important to recognize that your spouse’s love language will probably be different than your own. Discover what language your spouse uses, and then make an effort to show love in that language. Our natural inclination is to show love in our language, but then we get frustrated when our spouse doesn’t appreciate it as much as we think they should.

For a recent special occasion Sexy Corte wore some amazing lingerie while she prepared a fantastic steak dinner, and it was about the hottest thing ever. My love language is acts of service; SC always takes great care of me, but there was something super-erotic about watching her perform a mundane, domestic task like cooking while wearing her come-f-me garter belt and teasing me relentlessly.

If you take the time to learn your spouse’s primary love language you’ll be surprised at how much it helps your communication, and your sex life. What about you? How do you and your spouse use your love languages to enhance your sex life? Leave a comment!

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I was recently in a conversation with other women and we were talking about dating before marriage. One remembered seeking advice from a counselor about how far was “too far” to go before being married. Another laughed and said “it’s funny, before you are married, you always want to push the limit on how far you can go. After you are married you think, I have to do this again?!?!” It was meant to be funny, but in retrospect has made me sort of sad.

Has sex within marriage become a chore? Or merely a duty? Where did the excitement from dating go? Shouldn’t there be more of a spark within marriage because now you can have sex?! What happens?

Honestly, I don’t know. I can only speculate. My guess is that the tiredness of our busy lifestyles makes sex one of the first things we cut out of our hectic schedules. Sexy time with your spouse should be one of your most guarded appointments. You have to guard it, because no one else will. Your boss, kids or house won’t mind in the least if they suck up that extra time from you. Connecting with your spouse, emotionally and sexually, is one of the most important things you can do.

Another thought is that maybe one spouse isn’t feeling loved. If you haven’t read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I suggest you pick up a copy and start speaking to your spouse in their love language. I know I am definitely more responsive sexually when my “love tank” is full.

You and your spouse might also need better communication. If you do or don’t like something, speak up. As much as I think El Fury should be able to read my mind by now, I know that he can’t. This comes easy for some couples and for others it will take boldness. But the more you communicate about sex, the easier it gets. Do a re-cap after sex. Try saying “I really liked it when you…”

Or maybe you need to find a way to change your attitude about sex. Again, this could be easy or extremely difficult for some. No matter what, pray about it. Pray that you can see sex as the beautiful gift that God designed it to be. Pray that you would welcome those touches and caresses from your spouse and instead of thinking “again?” you would think, “YES, again!”.

God gave us sexual needs and spouses to fulfill those needs. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you no longer have to worry about going “too far”. There are so many ways to enjoy each other. Embrace your time together and go have sex!

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Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.

Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!

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