In our last post we wrote about praying explicitly for your sexual desires, and after you talk with God it’s time to talk with your spouse! This post will give you some ideas for how to do that. (You should also check out How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

In this post we’re going to continue using the same examples we used previously, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex. One of these is a desire for more of a specific sex act, and the other is a general desire for more orgasms — hopefully you can adapt the ideas in this post to whatever your personal circumstances are.

Remember the key verses we discussed:

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

After you’ve shared your explicit requests with God, here are some concrete conversational steps you can take to share them with your spouse.

  • Pray first. Read the previous post on praying for your sexual desires, and ask God before you ask your spouse. Remember: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome.
  • Go in with the right attitude. Let your words demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: kind, gentle, loving, joyful, patient.
    • “I really enjoy having sex with you.”
    • “Our sex life is really important to me, and I’m eager to make it as awesome as possible.”
    • “I think you’re very sexy. You’re the only person I ever want to have sex with.”
    • “I have something I’d like to ask you for. It’s something that’s important to me that I want to share with you.”
    • “I’ve been praying about our sex life, and there’s something I want to ask you.”
    • “It’s ok if you don’t respond right now. You can take time to think and pray about it yourself.”
    • “I’d also love to know anything I can do for you.”
  • Be direct, specific, and explicit with your request. Your spouse can’t read your mind! Maybe you’ve been giving hints and leaving clues, but you aren’t married to Sherlock Holmes. It takes courage to let yourself be vulnerable by speaking your desires out-loud to your spouse and facing possible rejection. Hopefully your spouse will appreciate your openness!
    • “I really enjoy when you give me a blowjob, and I’d like you to do that more often.”
    • “I really like having an orgasm with you, and I’d like to do that more often.”
    • “Would you be willing to do that once a week?” “Once a month?” “Every time we have sex?”
    • “I’d like to have three orgasms each week. Would you be willing to try that?”
    • “You often do X, but would you consider doing Y instead?”
  • Listen for your spouse’s response. Your spouse may enthusiastically agree to your request… or maybe not. Maybe your spouse will have questions or concerns. Maybe your spouse just isn’t sure how to respond immediately. Be quiet and create conversational space for your spouse to think and respond. Don’t jump in with arguments or persuasion. Just listen. You’ve been thinking and praying about this for a long time, but this may be the first time your spouse has considered your desire. It might take several days for your spouse to respond — that’s ok! Chill.
  • Negotiate. After your spouse has responded in full, it’s time to negotiate. If your spouse simply agrees to your request, then shut up. Don’t talk past the sale. If your spouse is reluctant or unwilling, then you need to have a discussion about how you might be able to reach a compromise. You may not get everything you want, but maybe you can get some of what you want. The ins-and-outs of negotiation are beyond the scope of this post, but the point isn’t to change your spouse’s mind. The point is to find a compromise that is satisfying to both people. Don’t invalidate your spouse’s response, but explore the space and see what’s possible.
    • If your spouse simply agrees with your request: “That’s great, thank you so much. I love you.”
    • “Then would you be willing to give me a blowjob once a week?” “Once a month?”
    • “Would you be willing to give me an orgasm twice a week?”
    • “What if we reserve Friday nights for this?” “Or Saturday morning?”
    • “What if we try it a few times and see?” “Can we try it for a month and see how it goes?”
    • “How about if we do it occasionally, but not every time?”
    • “Is there anything I could do to make it easier or more appealing for you?”
    • “I understand, thanks for considering it.”
    • “Can we talk about this again in a few months?”
  • Make a specific and explicit agreement. Hopefully you’re able to find some kind of resolution that satisfies both of you, even if it’s just “try and see”. You don’t need to write a contract, but make sure that you’re on the same page so that expectations are aligned. You can always change things later, but you’ll both be frustrated and annoyed if your spouse thinks you’ve agreed to something you haven’t.
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you a blowjob every week.”
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you three orgasms every week.”
    • “Yes, let’s do this every Friday that we’re able to.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it on our next date.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it for a month and see how it goes.”
    • “Thanks for sharing this with me, I’m glad we talked.”
  • Be grateful and follow through. Needless to say, when you make an agreement you need to follow-through on it. Don’t make your spouse “remind” you. Be proactive, joyful, and enthusiastic. If you’re the receiving spouse, make sure you notice when you get what you asked for. Be grateful and joyful, and don’t forget to thank God for granting your request.
  • Keep praying. Pray without ceasing. Maybe your spouse agreed to your request… or maybe not. Either way, keep praying. God never gets tired of our requests, and he’s eager for your sex life with your spouse to be great! God is always at work, so keep your eyes open and thank him for what he’s doing around you every day.

Leave a comment and let us know how your explicit conversation goes!

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We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

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We get a lot of emails from husbands who are frustrated with the quantity and quality of sex in their marriage. I’m writing this post to capture the advice that I generally give in response to these emails. See also: husbands dealing with sexual rejection and how to talk to your spouse about sex.

It’s tough to give advice because we don’t know everything going on in each marriage, but here are some things that might help.

  • Pray. Ask God to bless your sex life. Ask to have desire for your spouse.
  • Learn each other’s love language. Then be intentional in speaking your spouse’s love language.
  • Try physical touch with your spouse with no expectation of sex. Hug, kiss, caress, but don’t try to immediately follow up. These non-sexual touches fuel me and often get me in the mood.
  • Be a student of your spouse. I love having sex with El Fury because he knows me. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful. Find out what makes your spouse feel sexy, and they will want to have sex.
  • Communication. The more you talk about sex with each other, the more comfortable you will be talking about sex with each other, and the fewer problems you will have.

Husbands, this is specifically for you. El Fury recently told me a quote: a man can’t consider himself a good lover until he can do the exact same thing for an hour without moving. This is so true. If your wife is anything like me, I take up to 45 minutes to orgasm when my husband uses his hand. If we use the vibrator during sex it’s about 20 minutes. That’s a long time. It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Be patient. Here are some tips:

  • Only about 30% of women can orgasm from intercourse alone. If El Fury focused on my vagina I would never have an orgasm. You have to focus stimulation around the clitoris. Combine that with vaginal stimulation and your wife will go crazy. Keep the attention on the clitoris, it’s likely your wife can’t orgasm without that. That might mean that you give your wife an orgasm before you even have penetration.
  • If you want your wife to enjoy sex, focus on her pleasure first. If she’s not having an orgasm frequently, she’s probably not enjoying sex. Make sure you are meeting her needs and she will be more enthusiastic about meeting yours.
  • Pray for your wife and her sexual needs.
Wives, this is specifically for you:
  • Pray. These are the prayers that I often pray: That I would have desire for my husband, that I would have energy in the evening or be alert in the morning, that we would have a sex life that is fulfilling to both of us.
  • Pay attention to your cycle. I especially want sex right before my period, surprisingly during my period, and about two weeks after the start of my period. I try my hardest to make sure I orgasm often during those times, and it makes a huge difference in my overall sexual satisfaction.
  • Have you ever had an orgasm? If you “think so”, then you haven’t. I still remember my first one, and there was no doubt. I had previously thought there was something wrong with my body. I had thought it would magically happen with the right position during sex. I was wrong! It happened by El Fury touching me the right way in the right spot. Since we figured out where that button was, we have learned so much more about my body, what turns me on, and what gets me to orgasm. Sex became fun!
  • Be at peace with sex. Your husband will never stop wanting to have sex with you. He will continue to pursue you. If you find out what you enjoy, his pursuit will be a good thing and not something that you will forever try to avoid.

I hope this is helpful! Leave your questions or suggestions in the comments.

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One of the most common types of emails we receive is from a husband who feels sexually rejected by his wife and hopeless. He wants more sex, but feels like his wife isn’t interested and doesn’t love him. Frequent sexual rejection can be devastating to a marriage. Men are taught to hide their feelings and make it look like everything is “ok”, so rather than talking directly about our pain we often lash out in other ways: anger, annoyance, frustration, criticism, and withdrawal. These emotional responses mirror back to the wife the rejection that the husband is feeling by denying the wife what she craves from the marriage. This response creates a damaging cycle of rejection that hurts both spouses and the marriage.

We believe that it’s God’s will for every married couple to have a satisfying sex life! We recently wrote a post about how to talk to your spouse about sex, and that’s a good place to start for the general topic. The purpose of this post is to give a hurting husband a simple script he can use to discuss the pain he’s feeling because of sexual rejection by his wife.

First, husbands, as always, you must be in prayer. You should talk to God about sex ten times as much as you talk to your wife. The Bible says that marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for the church, so meditate on Philippians 2:1-11 and learn about Christ’s humility. Don’t just read it once — read it three times a day for a month. Then you’ll be ready to approach your wife in a Christlike manner. Jesus is a loving leader who God exalted because of his humility. Do you want to lead your wife? There’s no better example than Jesus.

Second, here are some words you can say to your wife. Feel free to change things up as appropriate, but remember to be loving, gentle, and honest.

I love you so much, and I want to have deeper intimacy with you. You may not realize it, but it really hurts me when I flirt with you or try to initiate sex and you rarely seem interested. Maybe on the outside I seem brush it off, but inside I’m really hurting. You’re the only person in the world that I want share my sexuality with, and when you reject me it feels like you’re rejecting my love entirely. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated or disappointed also. Can we talk about how to have a sex life that’s more satisfying for both of us?

That should get the conversation started!

See also: Sexy Corte’s advice for dealing with sexual frustration and how to talk with your spouse about sex.

If you have a tip to share, please leave a comment. Have you had this conversation with your spouse? How did it go?

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