Against "Duty Sex" 1

When I wrote about conjugal rights I mentioned that the term includes more than a right to sex:

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

So there’s more than the right to sexual relations, but sex is certainly an important component of conjugal rights. If sex with your spouse is an obligation, then some people have coined a term for when you force yourself to have sex when you aren’t really interested: “duty sex”. Ugh! And let’s be honest… it’s usually wives who are expected to have “duty sex” with their husbands.

Dan at Frankly Speaking has written a great series on this unappealing concept, with four posts so far. (That link takes you to part four, and it includes links to the first three parts.) No one wants “duty sex”, neither giver nor receiver, neither husband nor wife, so how do we grow past it? How do we fulfill our obligation to satisfy our partner without making everyone miserable?

Dan’s target audience is wives, but I’m sure there are plenty of instances in which the husband is the one losing interest. Let me whet your appetite with a brief excerpt:

What does a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feel like?

She feels in touch with her sensuous nature; her sexuality. She feels as if she is waiting for your touch and will ignite when that happens. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels like an arched back, hips rising and pushing to meet you. She feels like her body is always seeking the best position, just the right angle; constantly in motion to maximize both of your pleasures. A wife who feels sexual pleasure enjoys the feel of differing textures against her body. She feels warm and wet in all the right places. She feels as if she would take all of you in her if it were possible. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels inviting toward and desirous of her husband’s attentions.  Her body feels as if it is swelling with anticipation in preparation for those attentions. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure shows her husband so by not only finding pleasure in her orgasms but in seeing her husband wear those orgasms like a badge on his chest.

This is good stuff, especially for wives who just don’t know what their husbands will respond to — and husbands who may not know how to express their desires. There’s a lot more, so go read the whole series.

Fulfilling our spouse sexually is an obligation, but it should not and need not be done grudgingly. Our obligation is more than allowing our bodies to be used as sexual props. We also need to engage mentally and emotionally with our spouse and to pour our whole selves into the sexual relationship. The result should look nothing like “duty sex”.

"Old Faithful" Oral Sex Position 2

Sexy Corte and I like to experiment and change things up, but like most couples we have some favorite positions that we use frequently. We call one of these Old Faithful because it very reliably leads to a powerful eruption.

The position is pretty simple: I lay on my back while Sexy Corte kneels over my body at a 90-degree angle with her legs spread. I play with her lady bits while she performs oral sex on me. I’ll use my fingers to play all around outside and inside her body (see: Zoom Technique) to the point that she usually loses focus and forgets what she’s supposed to be doing.

Old Faithful can be carried to completion and it’s one of the best positions for getting Sexy Corte off with my fingers. Sometimes she has a hard time reaching orgasm if I’m not inside her, and Old Faithful makes this possible. From my perspective, there’s almost nothing hotter than my wife having a powerful orgasm with me in her mouth.

After Sexy Corte comes she can either finish me off with Old Faithful, or we can transition to a different position. As you know, there are many positions that are lots of fun but aren’t that stimulating for a woman, so Old Faithful is great as a starter to make sure that Sexy Corte is always satisfied.

Similarly, sometimes we use Old Faithful purely as foreplay and transition before either of us reaches orgasm. Once we’re warmed up we’ll frequently move to “The Usual”, which is a subject for a later post.

Also see: “New Faithful” for a variation that doesn’t make the wife do all the work.

I Can't Have An Orgasm! 3

That is what I used to think. Fortunately for me, I have a husband who is diligent and cares about my orgasm as well as his own. It didn’t take long for him to figure out how to bring me to climax manually (my thoughts: “oh, that’s where the clitoris is!”) However, it took a while for us to figure out how to get me there with intercourse. We tried a lot of different positions, but unless my clit is directly stimulated, I am not able to orgasm.

One night we were trying to be efficient (let’s face it, reaching climax manually takes some time!) and we tried using a “silver bullet” vibrator while I was on top. WOW! It was a totally different type of orgasm. Now this is my favorite position. I try to savor it, but sometimes I reach climax embarrassingly fast. This is a long ways from when I used to think I would never be able to orgasm.

God made our bodies to be able to experience pleasure inside of marriage. Sometimes it takes work to figure out how to experience that pleasure! I’m so glad we kept trying!