by ·14 Comments

Husbands, I’ll be very direct: if you wife isn’t having regular orgasms then she isn’t going to love having sex. She might enjoy the intimacy of sex, she might like to give you pleasure, she might do it out of obligation, but she isn’t going to love it.

“How often should we have sex?” There isn’t one right answer, but here’s what we say: each spouse should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. Often that means that the husband will have more orgasms than the wife does, and we think that’s fine as long as the wife has as many orgasms as she wants. In our marriage, I have an orgasm every day and Sexy Corte has an orgasm about twice a week on average. Her orgasm frequency can be pretty bursty though — sometimes she’ll have an orgasm four days in a row and get exhausted, and sometimes she won’t have an orgasm for a week and get really angsty. (It’s hot when she’s angsty).

This formula is pretty simple to follow as long as everything is going smoothly, but from experience and reader emails we’ve noticed two common problems that lead to wives not having all the orgasms they want:

  1. Some wives give up because they feel self-conscious about the effort required.
  2. Some wives give up because their husbands don’t put in the effort required.

When a wife gives up on having the orgasms she wants it’s very easy for her to become disillusioned with sex and resentful towards her husband. It’s a fact of biology and relationships that men tend to orgasm more easily than women, and husbands and wives should both be sensitive to this reality.

Let’s look at problem #1 first: yes, sometimes it’s a lot of work for a woman to reach orgasm, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes it requires a vibrator. Sometimes it requires oral or fingers. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes the kids won’t go to sleep. Sometimes it’s easier to just watch TV.

“Why are male orgasms so easy and female orgasms so hard?!” I don’t know, but get over it! Wife, you don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting an orgasm even if it’s difficult. Some women we’ve heard from didn’t think they could have orgasms at all, but it turned out they only needed a little coaching and openness. It isn’t “noble” or “selfless” for a wife to talk herself out of a satisfying sex life, so don’t make yourself a martyr. Take ownership of your needs, talk with your husband, and be open to trying new things. Get the orgasms you want!

Solving problem #2 starts with a question for husbands: Does your wife know that you’ll do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm? Maybe you’ve given her signs that make her think her orgasms as too much work and she’s pulled back from what she really wants. Maybe you’ve been too quick to accept her hesitation when she does want an orgasm but isn’t sure you’re willing to put in the work. Maybe you haven’t been creative or skillful enough. A wife who is self-conscious or reluctant to speak up for herself might interpret these kinds of behaviors as a lack of desire on your part to give her pleasure. She might think that you think her orgasms are too much trouble.

Husband: be direct and explicit. Tell your wife frequently that you want to pleasure her and you’ll do whatever it takes.

And then enthusiastically do whatever it takes!

As long as what the wife desires involves only the two of you, is consensual, leads to mutual satisfaction, and is done in faith then you should do it. Be proactive. Don’t make your wife nag you. Be a student of her sexuality and put in the effort to become proficient with her body!

For a husband or wife who feels they need a little education, check out this post: All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams).

“If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.” Husbands: if you want to maximize your sex life you need to do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants. Wives: if you aren’t getting the orgasms you really want then you need to speak up and be a little more selfish!

Leave a comment and let us know if you are putting in the effort in your marriage to give you spouse all the orgasms he or she wants.

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·5 Comments

Desire for a woman ebbs and flows in tune with her cycle. It can be hard enough for a woman to know what sort of “mood” she is in, let alone for her husband to be able to determine if she wants an orgasm or not. Here are some ways that I figure it out:

  1. During ovulation I am ready to go. I know I want an orgasm and I can feel that desire all day long. There is usually not a lot of guess-work on these days. Husbands and wives, pay attention to her cycle so you can capitalize on these days. Plan ahead and reserve time to devote to having sex.
  2. It’s amazing that one week later PMS can hit. Again, not a lot of guess-work: I most definitely do not want an orgasm. Usually I want extra space and minimal touching.
  3. Then there are the times in between. When we start to have sex El Fury often asks me “what are you in the mood for?” and I’m not sure how to answer. Many nights I don’t know how my body is going to respond. We have learned to give it a little time to let my body tell me what I want. If I don’t feel aroused after a little foreplay, we have sex and I don’t have an orgasm. Other times, a few minutes of foreplay can get me turned on and I’ll have a great orgasm. It can take some cuddling, kissing, and touching to get in the mood. If you jump right into sex you may be missing some opportunities.

Pay attention to yourself. It’s helpful to know how often you need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. For me it’s two or three times a week. For El Fury, it’s more frequent. Don’t deny yourself orgasms just because you aren’t immediately aroused and haven’t taken the time to let yourself get in the mood. Our bodies are complicated!

Tonight, don’t be rushed, take some time and make out for a little while!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·10 Comments

Rings with engraving on the inner face can be bought online for under $15, so why not create one for your spouse with a sexy secret inside? No one in public will know what’s written there, so you can be as dirty as you want. Here are a few ways you can use your secret message ring:

  • As a signal. A ring that says “I need you inside me”, “I’m going to devour you”,  or “I’m gonna rock your world” sends a pretty clear message about what’s going to happen that evening. Put it on your spouse to set the mood for the day.
  • As a reminder. Did you know that semen can live inside a woman’s body for a few days? Give her a ring that says “I’m still inside you” that she’s only allowed to wear for two days after you’ve had sex.
  • As a secret message. The rings are so cheap that you can buy several outwardly identical ones with different messages. Put one on your spouse in the morning and tell them not to read the inside until they get to work. Create rings for your favorite positions, locations, or sexual activities. Or wear it yourself to signal that sex is on the way, while leaving your spouse in suspense about what exactly is planned.

Carrying a sexy secret in public between you and your spouse is a lot of fun, and we’ve written a few other posts on the topic:

Leave a comment to tell us what you think!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·2 Comments

It’s been a while since we’ve done a link round-up, so let’s see what other Christian sex bloggers have been writing about!

Share some more links in the comments!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·8 Comments

This guy is rad — you can tell from the girl’s eyes that she is surprised and impressed with his mastery. The man’s thumbs-up at the end says it all: no big deal.

Nothing’s hotter than expertly popping off your wife’s bra and getting your hands on her sweet, sweet breasts. It’s true: men love boobs. But unfortunately, our wives’ breasts are often imprisoned out of our reach.

Sure… your wife could remove her bra herself… but that’s like letting someone else unwrap your birthday present! No, you must have the glory of uncovering her breasts… but there’s a problem! Your wife has been unhooking bras for years and is very experienced at it. If you fumble, you’ll look foolish during your moment of victory! What to do?

Step 1: Scout the terrain. The “hook and eye” is the most common type of bra clasp, but as you can see in the diagram below there are many others. I know bras aren’t that interesting when your wife’s boobs aren’t inside, but go check out her collection and see how her various bras work. Take special note if she has any front closure bras — these are the worst! You can fumble with the strap in back forever until she delicately informs you that the clasps aren’t even there. Get familiar with her bras, and you you won’t be surprised later when the pressure’s on.

Step 2: Practice before the game. Now that you know what kinds of clasps are on your wife’s bras, take a few minutes to practice opening them. Then do it with your eyes closed! Learn to recognize the clasps by touch, because when you do it for real you may be in the dark or reaching around her body. Lucky for us husbands, bra clasps are all designed to be openable with one hand, so practice that way. To practice: lay the hooked bra face-down on a flat surface (with the clasp up) and reach out to open it in one smooth motion. You may need to put some tension on the straps while they’re hooked in order to create a realistic simulation.

Step 3: Go slow to go fast. This part is key! When you’re actually in position to take off your wife’s bra, don’t rush yourself. You don’t have to flick the clasp open the second your touch her bra. Your wife doesn’t know that bra removal has begun until your fingers begin manipulating the clasp! So before you start trying to open it, run your fingers over the clasp in the course of rubbing your hands across your wife’s back. She’ll think you’re merely touching her for arousal, but you’re also using the opportunity to identify her bra. After you know what kind of bra you’re dealing with, practice opening it in your mind. When you’re ready for the big moment, move your hand away from her bra for several seconds (or longer), and then move back in and unclasp her bra with a single confident motion. Moving your hand away after scouting and then back will make the unclasping seem like a fast, expert, effortless maneuver.

Step 4: Enjoy! Your mastery of her bra has impressed your wife and earned you access to her intimate delights. Claim your just reward and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Do you have any tips to share for husbands trying to conquer that most frustrating of undergarments? Leave a comment!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·16 Comments

Do you want to drive each other crazy all day, and then have amazing sex that evening? Every time you reload this page you’ll get a new foreplay activity — pick a new one every hour, or whenever you have a moment of privacy with your spouse. Just two rules:

  1. Whatever it says, do it
  2. No orgasms allowed until the end of the day

Foreplay activity:Husband tickles Wife

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·7 Comments

We recently came into possession of some Mardi Gras beads and created a fun and simple game. (You can get strands of beads very cheaply online or at the dollar store.)

  1. I carry strands of beads in my pocket.
  2. At an opportune time, I pull out some beads and offer them to Sexy Corte.
  3. Sexy Corte earns the beads by flashing her boobs.
    • Alternatively, she can be proactive and flash me for beads at any time.
  4. Her accumulation of beads throughout the day is a sexy visual reminder of our game.
  5. At the end of the day we can tally up her score and try to set a new record.

The only problem with the game is that when our kids see the beads they turn into Gollum.

Do you have any games like this that you play with your spouse? Leave a comment!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·2 Comments

It’s been a while since we’ve posted some links, and I was shocked to see how many of the blogs we had linked to in our sidebar no longer exist! Crazy.

These link posts might seem easy, but they’re actually some of the most time-consuming posts we write. It’s a lot of work to survey the internet for Christian sex content, but we think it’s valuable for two reasons:

  1. We want to bring our readers the best content
  2. We want to share the best readers with other blogs

So, without further ado…

If you want to share another link, please leave it in a comment!

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·10 Comments

Reader “MN” asks a question we’ve gotten a few times but have only addressed briefly:

Good sir, first want to say thank you for this site. I really appreciate your time and how gentle, yet how firm you are when you respond to people’s questions.

One question I have is this: do you feel that it’s ok to swear while having sex? Like dropping the f-bomb when one climaxes. Or using “ass” to describe my wife’s butt? Thanks for your time and may God bless you both!

This is a great question. Like many Christians, Sexy Corte and I are very careful about our language. In James 3:5-12, God warns us that an uncontrolled tongue can lead to destruction.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

I don’t know about you… but my tongue gets me into more trouble than any other part of my body! Think about the comparison that’s made between a tongue and fire: an uncontrolled tongue won’t only hurt the speaker, it can burn down a whole forest — your family, friends, church, and more. A wicked tongue hinders our praise of God and our ability to serve him.

So obviously controlling your tongue is extremely important. Every part of your life and your ministry will be impacted, positively or negatively, but how you use your tongue.

But notice: the emphasis isn’t on “swear words”. The Bible doesn’t really have anything to say about whether or not certain words are off-limits, and how could it? “Swear words” are dependent on language, culture, and context in a way that doesn’t translate. God doesn’t really care about specific words, he cares about what you say and why you say it. A person can be extremely cruel without swearing, but “good language” doesn’t mitigate the harm caused by hateful speech.

Similarly, in the right context, “swear words” can be used to edify the listener and strengthen a marriage. The point isn’t the words you use, it’s whether you’re building up or tearing down. It may be that your spouse never wants to hear swearing come from your mouth — if so, then don’t do it. However, in the heat of the moment it can often be quite sexy to indulge in the taboo of swearing. There are many things you can only do with your spouse, and if swearing turns both of you on and strengthens your sex life then go for it! (Read “Can we *BLANK*?” for some further thoughts.)

Sometimes a mid-day whisper about what you want to do that night is just what your spouse needs to hear!

In the end, there are no magic words that are good or evil on their own — the holiness of your speech depends on what you’re saying and to whom.

If you liked this, please share it!

by ·12 Comments

So here’s a term that’s new to me: “outercourse”, as opposed to intercourse. Basically, sexual stuff other than penetration, and somehow distinct from mere foreplay.

This term “outercourse” refers to sex that isn’t intercourse and doesn’t involve penetration. It can include kissing, touching, erotic massage and using sex toys, just to name a few options.

“When we equate intercourse and sex and call everything that comes before intercourse ‘foreplay,’ we are buying into the cultural script that sex should proceed as follows: foreplay (just enough to get her ready for intercourse), intercourse (during which both women and men orgasm), and game over,” Mintz said. But sex doesn’t have to involve intercourse at all. Even when it does, other forms of stimulation can add to the experience and may improve the odds of reaching orgasm.

Herbenick suggested that couples take a lesson from the early days of their relationship. “Sometimes, when people are first getting together, they spend time making out and touching each other’s genitals long before they start having oral sex or intercourse with each other,” she explained. “All too often, once oral sex and intercourse become part of their routine, the rest fades away — which is too bad, considering how powerful genital touching can be.”

It’s true that making out tends to give way to sex as your relationship matures, but is that somehow less than ideal?

Sexy Corte and I often invest a lot of time, creativity, and energy into foreplay (with various games, bondage, toys, etc.), but then we have sex. SC requires clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, but still strongly prefers to climax with penetration.

I definitely see the argument for more and better foreplay — and the importance of recognizing that the vast majority of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm — but I’m not sure I get the idea of outercourse and sex without penetration. What do you think? What role does outercourse have in your marriage?

If you liked this, please share it!