We haven’t posted about oral sex in a while, and it’s one of our readers’ favorite topics! This post is motivated by another sexual verse in Paradise Lost (more posts) that clearly refers to Eve’s enjoyment of Adam’s oral proficiency. In Book VIII we read about Adam’s discourse with the angel Raphael about astronomy, and Eve decides to leave the conversation in order to tend her garden. It’s not that she’s uninterested in astronomy, but she prefers to talk about it later with Adam rather than with the angel. We read:

So spake our sire [Adam], and by his countenance seemed
Entering on studious thoughts abstruse; which Eve
Perceiving, where she sat retired in sight,
With lowliness majestic from her seat,
And grace that won who saw to wish her stay,
Rose, and went forth among her fruits and flowers,
To visit how they prospered, bud and bloom,
Her nursery; they at her coming sprung,
And, touched by her fair tendance, gladlier grew.
Yet went she not, as not with such discourse
Delighted, or not capable her ear
Of what was high: such pleasure she reserved,
Adam relating, she sole auditress;
Her husband the relater she preferred
Before the Angel, and of him to ask
Chose rather; he, she knew, would intermix
Grateful digressions, and solve high dispute
With conjugal caresses: from his lip
Not words alone pleased her.
O! when meet now
Such pairs, in love and mutual honour joined?

Why did Eve prefer to talk alone with Adam? Because he, she knew, would intermix their conversation with conjugal caresses! From his lip not words alone pleased her! Eve wanted Adam to use his mouth to please her with more than mere words.

I found this passage exciting not least because it’s a 17th century Western reference to a male performing oral sex on a female, which appears to be rather rare. If you’re interested in reading about oral sex across space and time you should check out these links (not safe for work; includes ancient artistic representations of oral sex).

Was oral sex an invention of modern western Europe? For instance, did Native American/First Nations people practice oral sex that we know of? And what about East Asians, and other non Europeans? [NSFW] with multiple in-depth, sourced responses pertaining to multiple cultures and time periods.
Latin response by /u/sunagainstgold
South American response by /u/CommodoreCoCo
China by /u/lordtiandao
More China by /u/bigbluepanda

/u/machiavalium

History is full of humans just like us, so we shouldn’t be surprised that they enjoyed sex and did everything we do. John Milton intentionally portrays Adam and Eve’s pre-Fall sexual relationship in a positive, blessed light, and modern Christians should take the same view: God’s will is for you to have an awesome sex life with your spouse!

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Tips for applying The Five Love Languages to your sex life. This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

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The Five Love Languages and Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/books/the-five-love-languages-and-sex/

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/

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According to John Milton, the peak of innocent feminine sexuality is to serve food naked. From Paradise Lost Book V we read about Eve preparing a meal and serving it to Adam and the visiting angel Raphael.

… Mean while at table
Eve Ministered naked, and their flowing cups
With pleasant liquours crowned: O innocence
Deserving Paradise! if ever, then,
Then had the sons of God excuse to have been
Enamoured at that sight; but in those hearts
Love unlibidinous reigned, nor jealousy
Was understood, the injured lover’s hell.

Milton says that if anything could have tempted the sons of God (angels) into lust it would have been the sight of Eve preparing and serving food naked. Fortunately Raphael’s love was unlibidinous (non-sexual) and Adam had no understanding of jealousy.

This passage amused me and Sexy Corte because this is exactly what she does every year for my birthday! After the kids are asleep upstairs, my wonderful wife cooks me dinner wearing nothing by an apron while I watch and enjoy her beauty. I might help with the preparations a little, but my help is mostly an excuse to touch Sexy Corte’s naked body. In between courses of food she serves me dessert several times. It’s one of my favorite nights of the year!

(Read more about Adam and Eve’s sexuality in Paradise Lost.)

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Tips and tricks for helping the wife have her first orgasm. This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams): https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/female-orgasms-safe-diagrams/

How To Help Your Wife Orgasm: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/how-to-help-your-wife-orgasm/

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/

I Can’t Have An Orgasm!: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/stories/i-cant-have-an-orgasm/

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We first wrote about the jockey sex position over four years ago with lots of tips and tricks, and we’ve decided to write about it again because of a recent morning encounter that was especially intimate. Go read the earlier post for foundational information — we’re not going to repeat it all in this post.

People usually don’t think of rear-entry positions as being particularly intimate, with doggy style as the most notable example. Some wives feel that doggy style makes them feel disconnected or distant from their husband because of the limited touch and eye contact. Some wives also hesitate to embrace doggy style because the position makes them feel more vulnerable or submissive than they’re ready for. If you or your wife are feeling that way, then jockey position might be a great thing to try — it’s fun in its own way, and it could be a stepping stone towards doggy style.

If you aren’t familiar with jockey position, here’s a diagram from ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com that they call “flatiron”. They don’t have the jockey position in their database, but it’s the same as flatiron minus the pillow under the wife’s hips. (But feel free to use a pillow, it’s great.)

Jockey has a lot more skin contact than doggy style even though it isn’t face-to-face, and it’s wonderfully easy to hold hands in this position. Like all rear entry positions, jockey is probably best used after the wife has an orgasm or when she doesn’t want one. Sexy Corte has had an orgasm in this position (with a bullet vibrator), but jockey isn’t the best position for this.

Sexy Corte and I use jockey very frequently when she isn’t in the mood for an orgasm. What made this instance particularly memorable was the time I spent touching rather than thrusting. After entering her, instead of lying right down on her back I spent a while kneeling upright, rubbing and kissing all over her body. I love her butt, so this was a great opportunity to squeeze and spank her and the view was awesome. I kissed all over her back, shoulders, and neck, and rubbed her up and down from her hands to her butt.

Even though Sexy Corte didn’t want an orgasm, she really enjoyed this intimate attention. It was certainly sexual (because I was inside her the whole time), but the touching didn’t stimulate her to frustration like rubbing her clitoris would (without an orgasm). I love petting and kissing Sexy Corte, and it gratified me to give her that intimate physical pleasure when she didn’t want an orgasm.

Sexy Corte adds: Jockey is great, especially if I don’t want to have an orgasm. I like it because it’s relaxed and snuggly. We frequently do this position in the mornings when we’re both sleepy, and it’s very comfy for me and I can enjoy El Fury’s closeness and warmth. I have been able to orgasm in this position but it can be tricky to get the vibrator in the right spot. Anytime El Fury focuses on petting me I become incapacitated, and I always love a good petting session when we can connect like this.

What are you favorite sex positions for snuggling? Wives, what positions to you most enjoy if you aren’t in the mood for an orgasm?

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Paradise Lost is an epic poem written by John Milton and published in 1667 that chronicles the temptation and fall of Adam and Eve, largely written from Satan’s point of view. It’s a challenging read, but Sexy Corte and I are enjoying it together in the evenings. Obviously Paradise Lost isn’t scripture and has no authority in your life, but we have found some passages to be beautiful and inspiring.

Book IV describes Adam and Eve saying their evening prayers and then having sex before falling asleep. I will break up the quote with my thoughts, while attempting to disrupt the flow as little as possible.

Their prayer to God begins:

“Thou also madest the Night,
Maker Omnipotent; and thou the Day,
Which we, in our appointed work employed,
Have finished, happy in our mutual help
And mutual love, the crown of all our bliss
Ordained by thee; and this delicious place,
For us too large, where thy abundance wants
Partakers, and unpicked falls to the ground.

Adam and Even have finished tending the Garden of Eden for the day and praise God for this delicious place and the mutual love that is the crown of all our bliss. But Eden is too large and abundant for them alone.

But thou hast promised from us two a race
To fill the Earth, who shall with us extol
Thy goodness infinite, both when we wake,
And when we seek, as now, thy gift of sleep.”

They remind themselves of God’s promise that they won’t be alone forever, that God intends to fill the earth with people who will worship Him day and night.

This said unanimous, and other rites
Observing none, but adoration pure,
Which God likes best, into their inmost bower
Handed they went, and, eased the putting-off
These troublesome disguises which we wear,
Straight side by side were laid; nor turned, I ween,
Adam from his fair spouse, nor Eve the rites
Mysterious of connubial love refused:
Whatever hypocrites austerely talk
Of purity, and place, and innocence,
Defaming as impure what God declares
Pure, and commands to some, leaves free to all.

Adam and Eve were unified in their prayer and performed no bedtime rituals other than to give God their adoration pure, which God likes best.

Then things get a little more interesting!

Getting into bed, Adam and Even put off these troublesome disguises which we wear — not clothes, but perhaps simply the demeanor and mindset required to perform their daily work — a focus on productivity and responsibility. With their prayers complete, perhaps they even set aside their conscious worship of God and turned their attention to each other — continuing to worship God nonetheless.

Adam and Eve lay down straight side by side facing each other. Adam did not turn away from his fair spouse, and Eve did not refuse the rites of mysterious connubial love. This rite certainly stands alongside the rite of adoration pure they just proclaimed for God together: both rites pure and simple, requiring nothing else to magnify them or prop them up.

And then Milton addresses the austere hypocrites who create rules and rituals around connubial love that that are unnecessary and even harmful, just like the rules and rituals the Pharisees created around their relationship with God. Rules about purity, as if marital sex could ever be impure. Rules about place, as if marital sex must be confined to a time, location, or circumstance. Rules about innocence, as if marital sex could ever be shameful, slutty, or dirty. No! God declares pure sex in marriage, and leaves this blessing free to all who desire it.

Our Maker bids increase; who bids abstain
But our destroyer, foe to God and Man?

What’s more, for marital sex Our Maker bids increase — God bids you to have more sex in your marriage, and thereby more bliss. In contrast, abstention from sex in marriage comes from our destroyer and foe.

Hail, wedded Love, mysterious law, true source
Of human offspring, sole propriety
In Paradise of all things common else!

Sole propriety here means that wedded Love is the only “property” (thing you can own) in Paradise, where everything else is held in common. In Paradise everything belongs to everyone, except your marital love. Your marital sex life belongs only to you and your spouse; it is your property.

Continuing on the topic of wedded Love:

By thee adulterous lust was driven from men
Among the bestial herds to range; by thee,
Founded in reason, loyal, just, and pure,
Relations dear, and all the charities
Of father, son, and brother, first were known.

Wedded Love is founded on reason: loyal, just, and pure. (See also: Applying the Fruit of the Spirit to Your Sex Life.) In fact, all relationships and loves that we hold dear were first known through marital love.

Now Milton breaks into the first-person:

Far be it that I should write thee sin or blame,
Or think thee unbefitting holiest place,
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets,
Whose bed is undefiled and chaste pronounced,
Present, or past, as saints and patriarchs used.

Wedded Love is above and beyond any sin or blame and is fit for the holiest place. Milton wants to make sure that his readers don’t miss an important point: Adam and Eve’s sin in Eden was not about sex or nakedness. Marital love is a perpetual fountain of domestic sweets: never bitter, and never dry.

Here Love his golden shafts employs, here lights
His constant lamp, and waves his purple wings,
Reigns here and revels; not in the bought smile
Of harlots—loveless, joyless, unendeared,
Casual fruition; nor in court amours,
Mixed dance, or wanton mask, or midnight ball,
Or serenade, which the starved lover sings
To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain.

Wedded Love is a golden angel who reigns and revels — a boisterous party! In contrast, the love of harlots and casual fruition (casual dalliances), are loveless and joyless. Wedded Love is no wanton midnight ball, and no starved lover pining for an unrequited love. Wedded Love is above and beyond all these shameful, bestial lusts and should not ever be lumped together with them.

This section of the poem closes with an exhortation for Adam and Eve:

These, lulled by nightingales, embracing slept,
And on their naked limbs the flowery roof
Showered roses, which the morn repaired. Sleep on,
Blest pair! and, O! yet happiest, if ye seek
No happier state, and know to know no more!

Adam and Eve will be happiest if they seek no happiness beyond the bliss of their wedded Love, sleeping naked in each others arms.

(The engraving above is by William Blake.)

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How and why to have sex first thing in the morning — why leave the best for last? This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Set Your Alarm for Morning Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/set-your-alarm-for-morning-sex/

Have Sex Before Your Date Instead of After: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/marriage-advice/have-sex-before-your-date-instead-of-after/

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How can we apply the Fruit of the Spirit to sex with our spouse?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

The Fruit of the Spirit is written in the singular form — there is one Fruit that manifests in nine ways. The Fruit of the Spirit is grown in the life of the believer by the work of the Holy Spirit, not by human effort. Being Fruitful is not a matter of trying hard, it’s a result of walking by the Spirit (v. 16) through the power of the Spirit.

So let’s take a look at the nine manifestations of the Fruit of the Spirit and consider what a Fruitful sex life with your spouse will look like.

Love. “Affection, good will, benevolence.” Fruitful sex is built on genuine affection for your spouse, not only physical pleasure. You pursue what is good for your spouse and look out for his or her best interests. Fruitful sex is intentional and consensual, not manipulative or domineering.

Joy. “Gladness, cheerfulness, calm delight.” A Fruitful sex life is bright and delightful. You cultivate a grateful attitude for your spouse and enjoy sex together.

Peace. “Harmony, concord, quietness, rest.” Fruitful sex is rejuvenating and harmonious, a refuge from the stress and frustrations of life. You and your spouse pursue agreement and compromise.

Patience. “Endurance, constancy, steadfastness, perseverance, forbearance, long-suffering, slowness in avenging wrongs.” A Fruitful sex life is a rock of stability and confidence, never wavering even in challenging circumstances. You wait on each other and serve each other without haste or grumbling.

Kindness. “Moral goodness, integrity, moral usefulness and excellence.” Fruitful sex is a fountain of goodness and blessing for your marriage. Fruitful sex edifies the spirit, body, and mind of both spouses.

Goodness. “Uprightness of heart and life, beneficence.” A Fruitful sex life is honest, virtuous, and excellent. When your sex is Fruitful it is one of the best parts of your marriage. Fruitful sex is a strong foundation for your relationship. You value your sex life and protect it.

Faithfulness. “Fidelity, the character of one who can be relied on, moral conviction.” Fruitful sex is dependable and steady no matter what else is happening in life. Fruitful sex is devoted and committed. Fruitful sex can be relied on in any storm. You are quick and eager to invest in your sex life.

Gentleness. “Mildness of disposition, meekness of spirit, humble.” A Fruitful sex life is generous and giving, focused on the good of your spouse. Fruitful sex does not make demands; you are focused on nurturing and caring for your spouse.

Self-control. “Temperance, the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites.” A Fruitful sex life is passionate and sensual, but it is ruled by the Spirit rather than by physical demands. Fruitful sex is not reckless, but uses our words and bodies carefully. You discipline your mind and body to make your sex life the best it can possibly be. You put in the effort required to be a sexual blessing to your spouse.

Consider praying through this list with your spouse and ask God to grow the Fruit of the Spirit in your sex life. Don’t berate yourself and promise God to try harder — this Fruit doesn’t come from you, it comes from the Holy Spirit. Repent of any sin in your life that may be hindering the work of the Spirit, and then wait on him and see how he works.

How have you seen this Fruit in your sex life? How have you and your spouse grown over time? Leave a comment and let us know!

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This post is a follow-up to conversation we had with wife “LT” about the struggles she and her husband were having with doggy style. LT was very open about their challenges, and several of our readers shared their experiences and guidance in the comments to the earlier post. You can go read the first exchange at the link above, but to refresh your memory LT started her email with:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

To their great credit LT and her husband decided to try doggy style again; here’s how it went.

Thank you once again for all your help. You and your husband have been very kind. I’ve read and reread your advice and all the comments, and my husband and I decided to try again. We’ve spoken about it, and I explained, to the best of my ability, how it made me feel. I told him that it is really difficult for me and that I need him go very slowly, and I need him to hold my hand during it.

So, we decided to try it again. We did for a few minutes, but at some point in time, it began to feel too intense. The feelings of vulnerability were too intense. Everything was just too intense. My husband was lovely, he was going very slowly and held my hand in his the entire time. He also would ask me how I am doing all the time. It was very sweet. I was really trying to let the feelings pass, and really tried to enjoy the new sensations. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to do it for my husband, and I wanted to do it for myself. But, at some point in time I just broke into tears right there in bed with us still “doing it”. I do not know what it was, but I was just completely overcome with emotion. I cannot remember the last time I was that emotional, but it resonated through my entire body. I just sobbed. I was just so embarrassed. My poor husband was trying his hardest to console me, but it was just pouring out of me.

After, I guess, about an hour of this, we finally made love “normally” face-to-face and it was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I thank you and all the readers for their advice, it was very helpful and insightful. But, I feel that I just really need more intimacy when we make love and I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.

P.S., Feel free to share on the blog if you feel like it would help the discussion. Sorry that I was not a success story.

Let’s begin with the postscript: we think this experience was a great success! Let’s count the ways.

  • They communicated openly and honestly. It’s hard to have difficult conversations with your spouse about sex. LT was very specific about how she felt and what she needed, and her husband was receptive to her needs. We get zillions of emails from people who are so embarrassed to talk directly with their spouse about sex that they spend decades wishing without ever asking. Good conversations about sex increase intimacy and improve your sexual experiences with your spouse.
  • They tried again. It’s easy to give up when things get difficult. It’s easy to evade and avoid. It’s easy to not talk about it. It’s easy to do what’s comfortable and safe. It’s easy to try once and quit. LT and her husband overcame all these excuses and put their best effort into trying again, and that’s a success.
  • They shared emotional intimacy. Both LT and her husband were willing to be extremely vulnerable with each other. It’s really beautiful to read about their emotional intimacy from LT’s perspective, and it’s obvious that they’re willing to share the depths of their souls with each other. Emotional intimacy is often deepened most by sharing difficult experiences, and demonstrating vulnerability and trust is a big success.
  • They finished strong after the frustration. Even after the emotionally draining attempt with doggy style LT and her husband stuck together and made a “perfect” intimate experience. It can be hard to maintain or restart a sexual encounter when it gets disrupted, especially by perceived “failure”, but LT and her husband put in the work to finish strong and end with a success.

LT’s story is a perfect example of trying again. LT and her husband put their best effort into trying doggy style, and even though the attempt didn’t go as planned they were successful in several ways that are more important than merely “accomplishing” a specific sexual position.

Near the end of her email LT writes, “I just cannot picture myself ever enjoying sex in that position.” Is she right? Should they try again again? LT and her husband gave doggy style their best effort and LT didn’t enjoy it, so it’s reasonable for them to think that it’s time to move on. There’s no need to burn yourself out (or your spouse) by repeating the same frustrations over and over. After you “try, try again” and give some sexual activity your best effort, give yourself (and your spouse) permission to let it go…

… for now. No one knows what the future will bring. People change. Give it a few months, or a year, and try again with an open mind. You never know — you might surprise yourself!

What’s your experience with trying again? Are there any sexual activities that you have a hard time with? Have you had any great experiences trying again? Please share with us in the comments!

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