Sex Q&A: Physical Touch, Sex Toys, Chapped Lips 1

It’s time for the mail bag!

Husband “RE” writes:

In a nutshell, my marriage to my wife for now 11 years has never been equal sexually. I have my faults and selfishness but thank The Lord he has healed me and corrected me in so many things over the years. We have 5 kids together and our youngest is 2 now. I would like more physical touch while she is completely fine not touching me for days and weeks. I don’t want to struggle anymore and have prayed countless time why are we so very different in this way. Even when I do everything right, go on dates etc., our sex life is probably 3 times a month. Our time on earth is so short and I wish this wasn’t a struggle for me or a big deal.

My first thought reading your email is that I remember when our kids were 2. I stayed home with them, and by the end of the day I often felt over-touched. When they were so little there was such a physical demand on my body that I felt like it was public property in a way. El Fury would come home from work and I wasn’t ready to give him physical affection. In a similar way, he spends most of his work day talking and often isn’t ready to engage mentally right when he gets done working. It helped both of us a lot to disengage and have some alone time. This refreshed us and then we were ready to be together. For me, even just showering by myself and taking my time alone was enough to make me ready for even a hug from El Fury. He needed to zone out or work out, and then he was ready to talk.

It also important to guard our time together in the evening. Kids can easily take over! After 7pm is grown-up time, and we’ve tried to protect that even as our kids have gotten older. We have to pause to put them to bed, but there is an expectation that we spend evenings together.

I would recommend communicating with your wife in a positive goal-oriented manner. Don’t focus on what she is or isn’t doing. Instead, communicate together — what would you like your sex life to look like and how can you work together towards that goal? What do you need from each other? Try to make it a positive, productive dialogue.

El Fury adds: The phrase “even when I do everything right” makes me think that you have a covert contract with your wife that she doesn’t know about and never agreed to. If you want to get laid in exchange for doing things your wife enjoys, you should talk about that explicitly. (Exactly what this arrangement might look like depends on your marriage; I don’t recommend that it be purely transactional, because that’s not generally healthy for loving relationships.)

Wife “HH” writes:

I’m 18 and I’m newly married. (Yes I know that’s crazy young lol). My husband and I have different beliefs about what sex can be. He’s Catholic and I’m Baptist. I believe sex toys, masturbating together, and anal performed on both me and him are okay! My husband is strongly against all of those things. I struggle to ever get aroused sadly no matter how horny I am, “in the mood” or how long we do anything… it has taken a toll on my mental health and is something that has effected our marriage. He knows how badly I want to add vibrators or any toy into our sex life to help aroused me but he’s told me he would never be open to it. Before I met my husband I had a vibrator and I was able to climax every time I used it. I’m very heartbroken thinking that I will not be able to. I’m on medication to help my blood flow to get me aroused, I’ve had medicated lube for blow flow and we have tried orgasmic meditation every time we have sex. We pray together but I think we need more advice on what to do. I also have to beg sometimes for sex with us very discouraging.

There are things that El Fury and I have done that I thought I would never be open to, so be encouraged that sometimes people just need to get used to an idea. It’s great that you pray together.

The Bible talks a lot about sex, but doesn’t specify exactly what is and isn’t allowed. El Fury and I believe that God is very clear in the Bible when there is something that He doesn’t want you to do. For sex, as long as it’s between two consenting people inside the marriage, then we believe it’s good and acceptable. If something brings intimacy to the marriage, then we believe that is honoring to God.

For myself, I can’t orgasm during sex unless we use a vibrator. The use of that tool has greatly enhanced the intimacy of our marriage. It’s not about the tool, it’s about what the tool enables me to do. I think sometimes men can feel insecure if they aren’t able to bring their wives to orgasm. However, the majority of women (2/3) cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Try talking to your husband about his opposition, and make sure he knows that your primary goal is to increase your intimacy together. In your conversations with him, if you emphasize that you want your sex life with him to be amazing. That may alleviate any insecurity he is feeling.

Finally, start slow. You have the rest of your lives together to explore each other. You don’t have to do everything all at once! Start with what will lead to both of you having greater satisfaction in your sex life, and maybe leave some of the other things like anal to explore down the road.

Husband “EE” writes:

My wife and I are newlyweds and were both virgins when we got married. On our honeymoon, as part of exploration/foreplay, I went down on her. She had reservations at first, but ended up loving it. Fast -forward a few months, and she doesn’t want me to go down on her anymore. She says “it still feels good, but it makes me feel chapped after a while.” She agreed to try it again recently for a short while as foreplay, but within 10 seconds she felt chapped again.

My question is, have you heard of this before? Since we’re both virgins we don’t have any experience except with each other. I absolutely love giving her head, and would do it every day even if we didn’t have time for me to have an orgasm after. She clearly enjoys the sensations, but having her lips feeling chapped afterwards is of course a big downer.

I haven’t heard this before, but it isn’t surprising considering how chapped the lips on your mouth can get. When El Fury and I were newlyweds it did take my body a while to adjust to having sex, including oral sex. Hopefully this is something that will work itself out over time.

There are a few things you can try to keep her moisturized. An edible lube might be a good place to start when you’re performing oral on her. You may also try shaving very smoothly before you go down on her, to make sure your facial hair isn’t abrading her skin. If the problem persists I would recommend talking to your doctor.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Tips for applying The Five Love Languages to your sex life. This episode is a dialogue between El Fury and Sexy Corte.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

The Five Love Languages and Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/books/the-five-love-languages-and-sex/

The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/the-importance-of-sexual-responsiveness/

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The Human Loofah 2

I bet more wives than husbands use loofahs when they shower, but that might change if your spouse transforms into a human loofah! You don’t need a loofah costume (although you could use one), you just need your naked body and some soap. The idea is simple: the wife covers herself in soapy bubbles and then washes her husband by rubbing herself all over his body. Then they switch roles and the husband washes his wife in the same way. Fun and efficient!

Here are a few ideas for making the most of your human loofah experience.

  • No hands. Using your hands is easy-mode!
  • In the dark. Turning off the lights will enhance the experience for your other senses, especially touch.
  • Mirroring. Use your corresponding part to wash your spouse — e.g., wash her chest with your chest, and her butt with your butt.
  • Sexy parts. Wash your spouse’s whole body using only your sexy parts.

You might want to read up on how to have sex in the water before you get started, because all this rubbing is likely to lead in that direction. A well-prepared husband will be ready for anything if he keeps silicone lube and a water-proof vibrator handy.

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Intense Focus on Your Senses Makes Great Sex 3

Why is sex so good? Kinda like asking, “why is water wet?” But still, if we understand what makes sex good then maybe we can make it even better!

One of the main questions in life is: Why is sex so good? According to a new review paper, it’s because sex — like dance, yoga, and other body-based pleasures — is rhythmic, and that rhythm has a way of uniting and heightening the senses.

Authored by Northwestern University researcher Adam Safron and published in Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology, the paper argues that intercourse can be such a magical experience because of “entrainment,” which is a fancy way of saying that it gets your brain, sensory, and bodily systems all rowing in the same sexy direction. What happens in the run-up to orgasm, he argues, is what goes on in most ecstatic experiences (consider how a “beat drops” in your favorite new disco anthem). Rhythmic perception and action lead you to attend more to the stimuli that’s turning you on, leading to greater enjoyment, and greater attendance, making for “further enhancing entrainment, thus creating a positive feedback cycle of deepening sexual absorption,” he writes.

It’s not enough to call this increased arousal or pleasure: A better way to understand the way people can lose their sense of selves during the act of sex is with trance, the same way that you might feel a sense of absorption on a particularly good night of dancing, a particularly strenuous yoga session, a particularly deep meditation, or a particularly satisfying run. “Intensely focusing on immediate sensations — such as those produced by rhythmic stimulation — is likely to reduce the amount of mental capacity available for other things,” Safron writes, like ruminative self-narratives, wondering about what could have been, or generally having your mind someplace other than where you currently are. “Such an experience of sensate focusing and altered self-processing may be most appropriately referred to as a kind of trance state,” he writes. “If this trance occurs in the context of another individual who is similarly absorbed, then it could potentially contribute to feelings of connectedness along with the expansion of self-other boundaries.”

bolded the part that jumped out at me, and it matches my experience. Sex is best when you are “intensely focusing on immediate sensations” — which is closely related to our posts about the importance of enthusiasm and responsiveness. There’s a feedback loop: in order to have great sex you need to pull your mind away from the mundane considerations of life, and the act of pulling away is self-reinforcing, leading to enhanced focus and even better sex!

So how can you use this information to improve sex with your spouse? In addition to the posts I’ve linked to above, here are a few ways you can focus more intensely during sex:

  • Sight. Get rid of visual distractions. Unless you’re just playing around you should turn off the television, put away your phones, and lock your door. Focus your eyes and attention on your spouse. You can dim the lights, maintain eye contact, or even wear a blindfold for some power play. Wear something sexy. Do a danceKeep your bedroom orderly and comfortable to avoid seeing your surroundings as a to-do list while you’re having sex.
  • Sound. Put on some sensual music, something with a beat! Like the article says above, a good rhythm helps synchronize your bodies and senses. Turn off the baby monitors, silence your phones. Replace the batteries in the #&%&(#@% smoke detector. In my post about sexual responsiveness I talk about how important it is to use words and sounds during sex, so go read that whole post. Moan and groan, cry out, say your spouse’s name, beg for an orgasm.
  • Smell and taste. Using food in your sexy time can be fun, but it may also be a distraction.  If you want to focus intensely on the sexual experience, engage with the taste and smell of your spouse. Bury your face in your spouse’s hair or neck. Kiss deeply. Lick your spouse all over. Use oral sex not only to stimulate your spouse, but also to engage your own senses! During oral sex the attention is usually on the receiver, but try flipping that around: when you’re giving oral sex, focus on absorbing all the sensations that come from being close to your spouse’s sexuality. (Husbands especially: hygiene is important if you want your wife to enjoy your taste and smell.)
  • Touch. Sex obviously involves a lot of touching, but the touching can often be very goal-oriented: orgasm. However, sex with your spouse isn’t (usually) a race — you can focus your sense of touch more intensely if you just slow down. Revel in touching and being touched all over your bodies. An average human has twenty square feet of skin, so don’t just use your fingers: lips and tongues are obvious, but you can touch anything to anything else. (Check out Body Part Twister for some ideas (automated spinner).) Touch, tickle, massage, tease, and you can learn to build your spouse up to some huge orgasms.
  • Restraint. One of the reasons that light bondage is fun is that the person being restrained (the receiver) is free to focus completely on his or her sensations. While restrained, the receiver doesn’t need to think about giving pleasure, only receiving it. Being tied up is permission to be the center of attention, even your own attention. The receiver doesn’t have to do anything, just be.
  • Trust and vulnerability. In order to really lose yourself in a sexual experience you have to trust your spouse enough to let yourself be vulnerable. Your relationship needs to be past the point where you worry about looking right, acting right, or moving right. If you’re worried about impressing or disappointing your spouse, or being awkward, you’re not going to be able to focus on your senses. You each need to be comfortable with your own bodies and sexuality, and you need to respect and cherish each other.

“Losing yourself” doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but I think we can take some intentional steps to eliminate distractions during sex and really focus on the sensations we’re creating with our spouses. If you have any tips to share, please leave a comment!

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Holding Hands During Sex 5

Sexy Corte pointed out something to me that I hadn’t noticed about myself: I like to hold hands during sexy time. Because of positioning I’m mostly able to hold SC’s hands while we’re focused on me; while she’s climaxing her hands are usually wrapped around my neck or body. But when I orgasm, more often than not my hands are entwined with hers.

Holding hands seems somewhat mundane for a married couple, right? I mean, we touch each other all the time, and while we’re having sex we’re touching each other in all sorts of ways. And yet, holding hands is special: so innocently intimate. Sex itself is the “ultimate” connection with another person, but when you’re holding hands you know that you aren’t just props for each other to use to get off. You’re friends and lovers and married.

How do you touch your spouse to increase intimacy while you have sex?

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