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We’re grateful for all the emails we receive from our readers! We’re very humbled to be asked for help and advice, and we’re blessed to receive so much encouragement. We think these emails may be encouraging to you, our readers, because they demonstrate that every marriage has sexual challenges, and that there’s hope for every couple to have an awesome and fulfilling sex life.

Husband “NL” asks about sex after childbirth:

I have a question about sex after childbirth. My wife had a baby 12 weeks ago and we tried to have sex after about 8 weeks . I used to give her massages sometimes to help get things in the mood.

This time she wanted me to give her one, so she was laying face down on the bed and I was on top of her rubbing her back , but she hadn’t showered since the morning, I tried to give her a massage but she also still has large hemorrhoids, that along with the fact she smelt slightly was just such a turn off for me I couldn’t do it.

I tried not to tell her why but steer things in a different direction and just kiss face to face . But she kept insisting on a massage, I finally told her that I couldn’t give her a massage cause she smelt.

Then she felt all rejected and is refusing to try and have sex again.

I wouldn’t expect her to give me a massage if I’d worked all day

I’m not really sure what to do?

Women have a lot of hormones and emotions after having a baby and that can continue for a while. For me, I felt so sensitive and cried easily. It’s not rational at all, just chemical. The good news is that it does get better! But for a while, be extra sensitive towards your wife and encourage her a lot. Tell her she is beautiful, how thankful you are for all of the work she did, how amazing it is that she was able to give birth to a child, what a great mom she is. You know she is tired but she is doing great. She needs to hear all of that frequently. Deep down she probably knows that she could have used a shower that day, but I’m sure she still felt embarrassed. I don’t know if she is still upset at this point, but at least tell her that you are sorry and don’t try to preface it or justify with why. Just follow it up with encouragement. I’m not sure if you have had sex yet, but having sex after delivering a baby is really scary the first time or two. When you get to that point, go slow, and reassure her that you will go slow, and that any time if she is uncomfortable you will stop. It meant so much to me that I could trust El Fury with that. Also, I would encourage you to find your wife’s love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving, quality time) and go above and beyond to show her love in that way. I hope this helps! Enjoy this time and your new baby!

Wife “HL” asks about initiating sex:

I have found your site to be refreshing for our marriage. Growing up in a Christian home, sex always seemed “bad”. It was something that was never talked about and complete off limits until marriage.

I think this has definitely shaped how my sex life is today. My husband and I have been married for just about 9 years. Sex has not ever been something that I initiated. We have had long stretches of no intimacy and with three kids under 5- it is still very difficult for me to prioritize intimacy.

I enjoy sex – it’s just the “getting there” that is difficult.

My question is how do I initiate sex now that I haven’t in so long? How do I introduce some of the games that you talk about-without feeling embarrassed? How would I go about purchasing a toy, without it being odd because that hasn’t been me in the past?

I am sure a lot of my issues come form low confidence and self esteem. But where is the best place to begin?

Hope that all makes sense! Thanks for listening and I look forward to your reply.

These are great questions. At one time we had three kids under the age of five, so I can completely understand how you feel! For “getting there” you almost have to take it day by day and be opportunistic if you can. If you feel good in the morning, have sex in the morning. If your husband is home in the afternoon and the kids are napping, have sex then. I tried to be mindful of my urges, and when those occurred we tried to have sex right then.

For the initiation aspect, start with communication. I think you could sit down with your husband and tell him, “I have been thinking about our sex life and want to try some new things. I want to hear your ideas too, but here is what I’m thinking. What do you think about introducing some games? How would you feel if I initiated sex and do you have any ideas about how I could do that? Do you have any thoughts about our sex life and what you would like to add or improve?” I think if you involve him in the planning then it won’t seem so out of the blue. The more you talk about sex the easier it gets to talk about. It can feel awkward at first talking about it, but it’s such an important part of your marriage to communicate about. Maybe start with that and then work up to the toys, etc. When you decide to get a toy, ask him to pick one out with you. Or you could tell him about our blog and ask if he would like to sit down and read it together. The more that you make it about what you do together, the easier it will be. I think that your husband will be thrilled that you are wanting to improve your sex life!

Wife “KO” writes:

Hey SC, Thank you so much for this site! I love that it’s open dialogue about different aspects of sex within Christian marriage. Onto the question!

I’m a happily married woman to an amazing God-fearing man. We’ve been married for a decade and as we age, have kids etc. my husband’s libido has decreased as he’s also a few years older than me.

I’ve found articles on your website in re: men having a higher sex drive but I haven’t been able to find the opposite yet. Is there any you can point me to? I know communication is key, but I’d love to hear some perspective of other women in my situation – the woman having a higher libido, or the woman wanting to try more adventurous things in the bedroom etc and their journey in encouraging their husbands to be receptive?

You are right, we don’t have many posts targeting couples where the wife has a higher libido than the husband. You are also right that communication is important. Sometimes it’s easy to communicate broadly, “I’d like to do more of xyz”, however I think it is more beneficial to try to specifically define your goals with your spouse.

First, each of you pay attention to yourselves over the next week or two or even month. Pay attention to when you feel those drives, and how often. Also to when you are feeling the most sexually satisfied and what led to that? Or the reverse, when are you feeling frustrated, and what let to that? Then, sit down with a calendar. I feel most sexually satisfied when I have around three orgasms a week, give or take depending on where I am in my cycle. El Fury feels best when we have sex every day. When is the best time for the two of you to have sex? For us, we pretty much have sex every morning, which fits El Fury’s needs really well because he can have an orgasm much faster than I can. If I want to have an orgasm we of course do that, but if the kids are pounding on our door we skip the morning and commit to that afternoon or evening when we know we can set aside a longer chunk of time. 

Second, for adding more adventure, that is something that can sound scary or even like a lot of work to a spouse that isn’t comfortable. Start with once a month. Set aside a night once a month (put it on the calendar) that you are committing to playing a sexy game, or doing a longer foreplay, etc. For me, if it’s on the calendar, I am mentally prepared and am less tempted to trade that time for something more relaxing. See if once a month works for your husband and adjust from there. Be sure to communicate to him that it would mean a lot to you if he was willing to try this, and get feedback on what he is comfortable with and also what he might like to try. I hope that helps and that you two have lots of fun exploring some new things!

Finally, many of the sex games and role-playing ideas we share on this site put the husband in the more active or dominant role — but there’s no reason it needs to be done this way. If you, the wife, are the higher-libido partner then it might work well for you to take the more active/dominant role in a game.

Next, here are two encouraging emails that really touched our hearts.

Husband “ID” writes:

Hey guys – I didn’t necessarily have a question for the both of you, however I wanted to take a minute to share my wife and I’s sincere gratitude to the both of you. Your website has been an amazing resource for us both. I do not believe our love life was suffering but since we have discovered this treasure trove, our intimacy has gone to levels we have never experienced before. Thank you so very much for the courage of your wife and you. This can be a very much a taboo subject in our society and in the Christian culture. It is not always easy to talk about. You both do very well is effectively and creatively passing your knowledge on to others. Thank you again and may God bless you!

Wife “RE” writes:

Hi, my husband and I read and love your blog – only just found your fb page. We don’t post online just for privacy reasons but wanted to thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and encouragement. Because of the content you might not get much feedback so we wanted to give you a huge thank you for doing what you’re doing so that you don’t stop. Sowing into marriages in the area of sexual intimacy is SO important. I regularly speak to Christian women’s group about sexual intimacy and recommend your site if any women ask for more information. We live in Perth, Western Australia and have a really great marriage (20 years) and 5 kids. Love your blog. Thank you both so much. ♥️

Thanks for all the emails! We frequently pray for you, our readers, and we love hearing from you. May God bless your marriage with amazing sex.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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We often get emails from husbands who want advice because they sense that their wives aren’t enjoying sex that much, so we thought it would be particularly worthwhile to share this email from wife “RI”:

Hi there.

The fact that I feel awkward writing this email already may say a thing or two.

I am writing this after having had another unfulfilling love-making session with my husband last night.

I have often thought of seeking help but I have not known where or how and wanted to seek advice from a Christian source.

My husband and I have been married for over one-and-a-half years. We are both each other’s first and only sex partners. My husband engaged in pornography prior to our marriage, but I don’t feel this is affecting our relationship. We have an awesome marriage! But we get stuck when it comes to sex. He seems quite happy with our loving-making sessions but I am often left feeling like it’s been one-sided. I don’t fully know what makes me feel good and when I try to explore I get nowhere. I ask my husband to explore and sometimes he gets it right (and I make sure he knows it) but often he does some casual kissing here and there to try get to the goal of penetration. I do occasionally orgasm but always in the same position during penetration. We have tried other positions but they just hurt for me. He has tried using his hand or fingers but it has never worked. He doesn’t seem to know how to use his hands differently even with thorough communication which often leads to frustration on both our parts. I read about how sex within marriage should be fun and exciting and very stimulating but to be honest I often just try to have it because I know we should but am scared of being disappointed again and feeling like the whole thing is one-sided. I don’t know if the problem lies with me as I feel like I’m really not very sensitive physically and like there’s something wrong with me. I often just catch myself thinking “there must be more” especially if even Christian marriage books speak so highly of how fulfilling sex can be and how great it can feel.

I don’t have a direct question but some guidance would really help even if that guidance is referring me to a Christian counselor or something.

Thank you.

Wow, what an honest and vulnerable letter! Husband, if you’re longing for greater intimacy and frequency with your wife then consider that your wife’s experience might be close to what RI as written.

RI, thanks for your email! Don’t worry about feeling awkward — talking about sex has that effect on people! Be encouraged that sex tends to improve over marriage, and you have many years of exploring ahead of you. El Fury and I are frequently learning new techniques to enjoy. Your sex life is a process of discovery, and your body can even change over time. Something that didn’t get your attention before can suddenly feel amazing.

You should also be encouraged that you’re able to have an orgasm from penetration — 70%+ of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which can be hard to accomplish during penetrative sex. It doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you. I used to have that same thought, and I wasn’t even able to orgasm for a long time. Here are some suggestions for you to try:

  • Communication is really important, especially about sex. The more you talk about sex with your husband the easier it gets. Tell him that you want to figure out how to be more responsive sexually and ask if he would be willing to learn with you. You could tell him about our blog. There might be a few posts to direct him to, like “How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain”, “How To Help Your Wife Orgasm”, “Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants”, and “Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique”. It’s hard to figure out what feels good without exploring, and maybe you both need some fresh ideas!
  • Extended foreplay. If you are having pain during sex it’s often because you aren’t aroused enough, or even aroused at all. Spending time in foreplay is key on this. It can take women 45 minutes or longer to orgasm — for me it’s a good 20-30 minutes. It’s important to have the mindset when you start your session that you’re going to be in it for a while. Sometimes it’s just the same motion for a long time that does the trick. El Fury could be using his fingers and it doesn’t stimulate me, but then he moves them a tiny amount and it feels completely different. So even if he is using the same technique, try moving around until you get the right spot. Then in a few minutes, you might have to move it again. Do foreplay until your body is really aching for penetration, then sex shouldn’t hurt.
  • Introduce a vibrator. I used to be really skeptical of sex toys, but then El Fury asked to use one on me and WOW. Just because you are using some assistance does not mean that sex becomes about the vibrator. Sex is still about the intimacy between you and your husband, and using a vibrator can really increase that intimacy. I can’t orgasm during sex without one. It’s a matter of geography. When we use a vibrator I get to experience that amazing closeness that comes from having an orgasm during sex. If you start using one with your spouse you are likely to have a lot more orgasms during sex, which is part of what makes sex feel so good!
  • Track your monthly cycle. Most women ovulate about two weeks after the first day of their period. Make sure you have sex on that day! One week later is usually PMS, and you might feel really low libido that day, so try not to get frustrated if sex isn’t great then. In addition to this, pay attention to yourself! Is there a certain time of day that you notice yourself feeling aroused? If possible, have sex at that time!
  • Talk about your needs and expectations. Most men need to orgasm more frequently than most women, and I don’t have an orgasm every time we have sex. Both partners should get the sex they need to feel satisfied, and that’s about more than mere frequency! You might not care about frequency as much as your husband, but when you do want an orgasm you should get one.
  • Pray about your sex life. Together! I remember the first time El Fury and I had sex, and right afterwards he prayed out-loud for our sex life. I thought it was so weird at the time, but looking back I’m so thankful he did, and that moment is one of my most meaningful memories.

I know that most of this post is about orgasms, but that is a really important part to having a fulfilling sex life. That is what satisfies you and also fuels your desire for sex the next time.

And since it’s worth repeating, husbands go check out Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants. You’re likely to have more and better sex if your wife is having plenty of orgasms.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Desire for a woman ebbs and flows in tune with her cycle. It can be hard enough for a woman to know what sort of “mood” she is in, let alone for her husband to be able to determine if she wants an orgasm or not. Here are some ways that I figure it out:

  1. During ovulation I am ready to go. I know I want an orgasm and I can feel that desire all day long. There is usually not a lot of guess-work on these days. Husbands and wives, pay attention to her cycle so you can capitalize on these days. Plan ahead and reserve time to devote to having sex.
  2. It’s amazing that one week later PMS can hit. Again, not a lot of guess-work: I most definitely do not want an orgasm. Usually I want extra space and minimal touching.
  3. Then there are the times in between. When we start to have sex El Fury often asks me “what are you in the mood for?” and I’m not sure how to answer. Many nights I don’t know how my body is going to respond. We have learned to give it a little time to let my body tell me what I want. If I don’t feel aroused after a little foreplay, we have sex and I don’t have an orgasm. Other times, a few minutes of foreplay can get me turned on and I’ll have a great orgasm. It can take some cuddling, kissing, and touching to get in the mood. If you jump right into sex you may be missing some opportunities.

Pay attention to yourself. It’s helpful to know how often you need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. For me it’s two or three times a week. For El Fury, it’s more frequent. Don’t deny yourself orgasms just because you aren’t immediately aroused and haven’t taken the time to let yourself get in the mood. Our bodies are complicated!

Tonight, don’t be rushed, take some time and make out for a little while!

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Several years ago I started experiencing some sexual frustration. El Fury and I had a few kids and life was getting more complicated. I felt like there were frequent times I would be in the mood, but the stars would not align properly and the sex would be more hurried than I’d like. Or by the time we got to the end of the day I would be so worn out I wouldn’t be in the mood enough to want to put forth the energy it takes to have an orgasm. Then a few days would pass and we would have time, but I wouldn’t be in the mood anymore. Over time this could make me feel frustrated and annoyed. I decided to start tracking my cycle.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows in tune to a woman’s menstrual cycle. If you pay attention, you can figure out your peak times. Ovulation happens about mid-way through a woman’s cycle. This is when a woman is at peak fertility, so your body’s natural desire to procreate makes you experience heightened sexual desire. Take advantage of this! Make space for it in your calendar. The first day of my period I create a calendar event for two weeks ahead so that El Fury and I know that we have plans that evening. We try our best to guard that time. It’s usually a good time to try something new and to have extended sexual playtime. Cycles can differ between women, so if you’re having a hard time figuring it out pay attention to your body. To put it bluntly, you’re probably ovulating when you’re feeling horny about a week after your period.

Most of the ovulation info on the internet is for couples trying to get pregnant, but ovulation is a great time for sex even if you aren’t trying for a baby.

Unfortunately there is the other side of the cycle. PMS typically hits one or two weeks before the start of a woman’s period. For me it is one week after ovulation. Just like with my ovulation reminder, the first day of my period I go ahead and put a PMS reminder in our shared calendar (I label as “P.lease M.ake me S.mile” so that it’s a little discreet). Before I started tracking it, PMS would often catch me off guard and I would spend a few days wondering why I was so sad before I realized why. During this part of my cycle I typically do not want to be touched, and El Fury knows to give me some space. It has been helpful to both of us to know what to expect at this time of the cycle. Just knowing it’s coming gives me emotional comfort because I know that there’s a chemical reason why I’m crabby, and that I will feel better soon.

If you don’t already track your cycle, I recommend it! Tracking it and planning for it in advance has been very beneficial to me and our sex life. You can be intentional and have fun during the upswings, and brace yourself emotionally for the downswings. Does anyone else track their cycle?

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It’s been a while since we’ve done a link round-up, so let’s see what other Christian sex bloggers have been writing about!

Share some more links in the comments!

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First off, let me say that we’re not advocating for or against the use of birth control pills. We used them, and when we decided we were done having kids we stopped using pills and selected a permanent method to prevent conception. The point of this post is simply to remind people that hormones (and medication) can have a significant effect on how you feel, think, and act — whether the hormones are produced by your own body or come in a pill.

Study 1: Birth control pills make your brain more masculine.

In recent years, scientists have started to realise that the brains of women on the pill look fundamentally different. Compared to women who are not taking hormones, some regions of their brains seem to be more typically ‘male’.

There are behavioural changes, too. Women on certain types of pill are not as good at coming up with words – something our gender are usually highly skilled at. On the other hand, they are better at mentally rotating objects, as is often the case in men. Finally, women on a different type of pill are better at recognising faces – something women are usually good at.

Study 2: Birth control pills change the shape of your brain.

In 2015, neuroscientists from the University of California, Los Angeles in the US took brain scans of 90 women who were either currently using the pill or not, and found that two key brain regions were thinner in pill users – the lateral orbitofrontal cortex and the posterior cingulate cortex.

These two regions are involved in emotion regulation, decision-making and reward response, and the researchers believe that their findings could help explain why some women become anxious or depressed when taking the contraceptive pill.

And in 2010, a team from Austria also found that the contraceptive pill could change the shape of the brain regions associated with learning, memory and emotion regulation.

Study 3: Birth control pills affect your memory and critical thinking skills.

What’s more, new research suggests that oral contraceptive use doesn’t just reduce your risk of certain cancers, lighten your period, alleviate horrible cramps, clear your skin, and improve your mood (among other benefits).

It shows that women who take the pill or use other methods of hormonal contraceptive for more than 10 years may end up with better memories and critical thinking skills post-menopause, according to a study that looked at 830 women around age 60, which was recently published in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.

Study 4: No one knows if the effects of birth control pills on your brain are permanent or temporary.

The researchers affirm it is unknown whether the cortex would become thicker again if the women on birth control stopped taking the pill or whether it would remain the same. “Maybe you go off the pill and it persists for a week, and, by week two it is back to normal,” Petersen said, Braindecoder.com reported.

This study contradicts the results of a 2010 study published in the journal Brain Research, which found women on the pill showed larger gray matter volumes in the prefrontal cortex, pre- and postcentral gyri, the parahippocampal and fusiform gyri and temporal regions, compared to their non-pill counterparts. It was not determined whether increased gray matter translated into enhanced performance. Similar to the recent study, the findings remain inconclusive and warrant further research.

The point of sharing this information isn’t to make anyone worry. Birth control pills have been used for decades without serious problems for most women. However, it’s worth considering how your medication (or change in medication) may be affecting how you think, feel, and act. The same goes for men — we take medication and have hormonal cycles too!

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Amy Cuddy describes how your body language can affect your hormones, thoughts, and behaviors. Tiny tweaks can lead to big changes.

[ted id=1569]

The specifics of her experiment apply to feelings of power and confidence, so they’re at least indirectly applicable to sexuality. Here’s an excerpt that describes some of her results. The 20-minute video is worth watching in full.

So this is what we did. We decided to bring people into the lab and run a little experiment, and these people adopted, for two minutes, either high-power poses or low-power poses, and I’m just going to show you five of the poses, although they took on only two. So here’s one. A couple more. This one has been dubbed the “Wonder Woman” by the media. Here are a couple more. So you can be standing or you can be sitting. And here are the low-power poses. So you’re folding up, you’re making yourself small.This one is very low-power. When you’re touching your neck, you’re really protecting yourself. So this is what happens. They come in, they spit into a vial, for two minutes, we say, “You need to do this or this.”They don’t look at pictures of the poses. We don’t want to prime them with a concept of power. We want them to be feeling power. So two minutes they do this. We then ask them, “How powerful do you feel?” on a series of items, and then we give them an opportunity to gamble, and then we take another saliva sample. That’s it. That’s the whole experiment.

So this is what we find. Risk tolerance, which is the gambling, we find that when you are in the high-power pose condition, 86 percent of you will gamble. When you’re in the low-power pose condition, only 60 percent, and that’s a whopping significant difference. Here’s what we find on testosterone. From their baseline when they come in, high-power people experience about a 20-percent increase, and low-power people experience about a 10-percent decrease. So again, two minutes, and you get these changes.Here’s what you get on cortisol. High-power people experience about a 25-percent decrease, and the low-power people experience about a 15-percent increase. So two minutes lead to these hormonal changes that configure your brain to basically be either assertive, confident and comfortable, or really stress-reactive, and feeling sort of shut down. And we’ve all had the feeling, right? So it seems that our nonverbals do govern how we think and feel about ourselves, so it’s not just others, but it’s also ourselves. Also, our bodies change our minds.

Take-away: try some power poses before sex and see how it affects you and your spouse. Bonus points for posing together!

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