Back in 2016 (!) we wrote about our habit of daily sex, and we recently received an email from a pastor with some questions for us. This email spurred a conversation between me and Sexy Corte that has updated some of our thinking.

First, here’s the email from pastor and reader “KN”:

Background: My wife and I have a solid sex life and marriage. Usually 2-4 times a week, mostly by my initiation (she is a stay-at-home-mom, homeschooler, and 1000 other things, so I am ok with that) during the day through conversation or a pre-arranged day of the week. We both enjoy sex, which is a blessing.

Further background: I’m a pastor, and in preparing to do some premarital counseling, I of course am prepping a portion on sexual intimacy. I read your blog and others to help me formulate my prepping. One of the things that I consistently read is that you have sex every day.

Here’s the two-part question: 1) has it been that way for a while and 2) assuming you didn’t used to have sex everyday, what started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you “keep at it”, making it not turn into a “mundane” thing?

Go read the original post for an explanation of how to create the habit of daily sex in your marriage. We won’t repeat all that here. We do want to highlight something important though:

The key here isn’t that you must have sex every single day, but that the expectation is for daily sex —  if no one says anything, then assume you’re going to have ““““““““““““`sex. […]

Once your habit is in place, you should never have no-sex unless someone intentionally initiates it. The end result won’t be sex every single day of the year — sometimes you get sick, kids drive you crazy, work and chores overwhelm you, and emergencies happen. That’s life! But the expectation every day is that you’ll be having sex together.

The point isn’t to have sex every single day, the point is to create the default of sex every day — as opposed to many couples who view sex as the exception rather than the expectation.

So with that point made, we will answer KN’s questions.

  1. “Has it been that way for a while?” — Yes, we’ve cultivated a habit of daily sex throughout our whole marriage. Obviously the habit is harder to keep during some time periods than others. Overall, I estimate that we have sex about 25 times per month. Sickness, separation, arguments, weariness, anxiety, stress, and other challenges frequently arise and sometimes hinder us from achieving our goal.
  2. “What started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you keep at it, making it not turn into a mundane thing?” — As we wrote in the earlier post, daily sex is a habit like any other. How do you build good habits for exercise or healthy eating? You make a plan and you just do it. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don’t, but you just do it. And sometimes you skip exercising or decide to eat garbage despite your best intentions. But you don’t beat yourself up over it.

Sexy Corte and I had a big conversation about our habit and expectations after receiving KN’s email. We decided that we both want to maintain the habit, but that we want to shift expectations a bit. The primary changes we’ve decide to make are:

  • Previously we were most likely to decide not to have sex on days when Sexy Corte is on her period. Now we have decided to do more sexual activities while she’s on her period, and reduce sexual activities while she has PMS. Her PMS days are the days when she is generally least interested in physical intimacy of any kind, whereas period days still offer lots of opportunities.
  • Previously we would often have “efficient” sex first-thing in the morning. This decision would often make it difficult for Sexy Corte to be interested in more prolonged and intimate sessions in the evening. Now we’ve decided to be more strategic with our morning quickies so as to create space and energy for evening sex. Now we probably have morning sex 3-4 times per week rather than 5-6, and evening sex on the other days.

Just remember than sex with your spouse is always relational not transactional. Building a habit of daily sex is great, but as with all habits be sure to practice moderation. Communicate and adapt!

Do you practice daily sex with your spouse? Do you have any experience with communicating about changing expectations? Leave us a comment and let us know!

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Many readers have told us that our post about Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality has been eye-opening, but what if neither you nor your spouse is sexually spontaneous? What if you’re both responsive?

First, let’s remind ourselves of what spontaneous and responsive sexuality are.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous.

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex.

There’s more at the link, so go read the whole post and then come back here.

Ok, ready to continue?

Remember than just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s “good”, and uncommon things aren’t necessarily “bad”. Most husbands are sexually spontaneous, and most wives are sexually responsive, but sometimes the situation is reversed (which is fine) and sometimes both spouses are spontaneous (which is probably amazing). And sometimes both spouses are sexually responsive — which can mean that sex rarely happens because no one initiates it, leaving both spouses frustrated.

Sexually responsive people get aroused during sex play, but if the sex play never starts then they won’t have anything to respond to. So the challenge for a couple who are both responsive is to get the party started. Neither spouse may feel “in the mood” at first, but once they get going they’ll both think, “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!”

Now what we’ve described the situation, here are a few ideas for how a responsive couple can kick things off:

  • Be open to sex. Openness is critical for sexually responsive people, and doubly so when both spouses are responsive. Be open to sex even when you aren’t in the mood yet. Give yourself a chance to warm up. Let your body get aroused and your mind will follow. Similarly, be willing to work on your spouse’s body even when neither of you is aroused yet. It may feel awkward or silly to touch each other sexually when you aren’t aroused, but get used to it and be open to working towards arousal.
  • Put sex on the schedule. Scheduling sex gets a bad rap sometimes, but when you’re busy and sexually responsive it’s likely that sex won’t push its way into your lives on its own. Days and weeks can go by until you realize that you haven’t had sex in a while and your relationship is suffering because of it. You have to intentionally make time and energy for sex.
  • Create the Habit of Daily Sex. Even better than merely scheduling sex, create the expectation in your marriage that you’ll have sex every day. Instead of assuming that you won’t have sex unless you talk about having it, assume that you will have sex unless you talk about not having it. Try having sex every day for a month and you’ll be shocked at what a difference it makes in your marriage.
  • Use sex games to stimulate your minds. Arousal doesn’t have to start with physical touch! Pick a sex game to play and it will help arouse your mind and body. A structured game or activity can reduce the uncertainty or awkwardness of sexual engagement before arousal begins. Let the game itself “initiate” the sexual encounter, while you both respond to it.
  • Foreplay all day random generator. Similarly to sex games, let the foreplay-all-day generator tell you what to do. Sexually responsive people will respond to external sexual stimuli no matter the source, so intentionally introduce stimulation for you both to respond to. If you want to make it super-structured, set an alarm for every hour, reload the generator, and text your spouse whatever pops up. (Ahem.)

Do you have any other tips to share for stimulating sex when both spouses are responsive? Leave a comment and let us know!

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We get emails from people every day who are having problems of various kinds in their marriage, and the simplest, most direct solution is often just have sex. Obviously this isn’t true in every single case, but you’d be surprised how often sex itself can smooth over differences and disagreements.

How does it make you feel when your partner is cold and distant? Or when they’re critical and prickly? Does it make you want to rip their clothes off, order in a vat of whipped cream and install a chandelier to swing from?

No? Well there’s your problem – according, at least, to Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor whose Ted talk explaining her unconventional advice to warring couples has been viewed almost 3.5 million times online.

Her advice couldn’t be simpler: shag. Do it even if you don’t want to, do it especially if you don’t want to and, most important of all, do it frequently whether you want to or not. To make it even clearer, she’s borrowed one of the most famous advertising slogans of recent times: Just Do It. “Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too,” she explains from her clinic in Colorado. “It’s a win-win situation for both of you!”

Over the years, Weiner-Davis has honed her message. She’s now stripped it back to what she believes is the essence of a successful marriage. Gone is any therapeutic consideration of a couple’s history; of their emotional travails; of cause and consequence. Now she is entirely one-track minded: no matter how appalling the state of a marriage, she believes that kind, generous and frequent sex can bring it back from the teetering edge of collapse.

Let’s expand on the idea a little! Here are a bunch of related posts.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up “communicating” that we forget the importance of body language. Maybe you should quit talking about your problems for a while and go have sex!

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Other people aren’t having as much sex as you may think.

The numbers here are for men and women between 18 and 29, and the “reality” number is self-reported, so take it with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, you can see that we tend to wildly overestimate how much sex other people are having compared to ourselves.

Historically, married people have had a lot more sex than single people.

To look at the statistics about marriage and sex, you wouldn’t even know that there was an issue to begin with. “Studies have found that married people have more sex than single people, and they also have more varied sex,” says sexual health expert and best-selling author Dr. Laura Berman, who hosts “In The Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman” on OWN. ”Oral sex is also more common among married people.”

One of the most comprehensive studies on the subject, which was released in 2010 by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, confirmed this, compiling statistics on sexual attitudes and habits of 5,865 people between ages 14 and 94. An average of 61 percent of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18 percent of married people. Looking specifically at those between the ages of 25 and 59, 25 percent of married people reported that they were still having sex two to three times per week versus less than five percent of singles.

But sadly, some recent studies indicate that single people might actually be having more sex than married people now — primarily because married people are having far less sex than they used to.

Back in the early 1990s, the average American had sex about 60 to 62 times per year, but that number dropped to less than 53 times per year by 2014. Among married couples specifically, the drop was even more dramatic — from about 73 times per year in 1990 to 55 in 2014. This actually brings the sex lives married couples below people who’ve never been married, who have sex about 59 times per year as of 2014.

But forget about everyone else… what about you and your spouse? Sexy Corte and I advocate making a habit of daily sex — yes, every day! Sometimes you miss, but those misses should be the exception, not the rule. Tell us how you and your spouse fare in the comments.

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In a completely surprising turn of events, scientists are suggesting that frequent sex may be the key to a happy marriage!

During the 14-day study period, couples reported having sex on an average of 4 days.

Not only was sexual activity associated with same-day sexual satisfaction, but also the researchers found that a single act of sex produced an afterglow that persisted for 2 days.

However, they found that couples who reported a stronger sexual afterglow were more likely to report greater marital satisfaction 4-6 months later, compared with couples with a weaker sexual afterglow.

Meltzer says the study findings are important, as they support previous research suggesting that sex plays an important role in partner bonding.

What would we do without these brilliant scientists?! This is amazing, groundbreaking research.

If you have lots of sex, not only will your marriage be stronger, you’ll also get a promotion at work!

To understand the impact of sex on work, the researchers documented 159 married employees over the course of two weeks, asking them to complete two surveys a day.

Overwhelmingly, employees who had sex were in more positive moods the next day.

And the elevated mood levels in the morning led to more sustained work engagement and job satisfaction throughout the workday.

The effect, which appears to linger for at least 24 hours, was equally strong for both men and women.

If wives don’t get enough sex, they may become angry.

Corrine, a mother of two children aged five and 15 months, made the connection between her mood swings and the state of her love life after her children were born.

‘Before we had children, we’d have sex whenever we wanted and would hardly go a day or two without,’ she recalls. ‘But then parenthood drained our energy and we’d often be too exhausted.

‘As the gaps between our lovemaking became wider, I noticed the difference in my attitude to Matt. Even when we hadn’t had sex for just a week, I’d start to feel like we were drifting apart and it made me frustrated and angry.

Just this week, scientists from Florida State University confirmed the importance of sex in making women happy, revealing it triggers an ‘afterglow’ that lingers for 48 hours and which helps couples to bond. Without it, they become miserable and distant.

You may have noticed the common thread in these three stories (because I bolded it) — the beneficial side effects of sex last for up to 48 hours, and then it’s time for another dose. Even if the lower sex-drive spouse (usually but not always the wife) doesn’t realize it, the marriage itself and both partners individually benefit from frequent sex. We’ve written about “duty sex” before, and even though we don’t like that term we do think that married couples should create the habit of daily sex — the more sex you have, the better it gets. Maybe a better term is “maintenance sex”.

Let me tell you, the “quickie” saved my marriage. I read about it in the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” years ago where the author explains how important the sex act is to the man and that the woman should give into the quickie.

Best…I mean BEST…sex advice I ever received!!! Long live the quickie!!

What about your marriage? Would it improve if you had sex more often? What’s your target frequency? Are you hitting it?

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Staying disciplined with our kids’ bedtimes has been one of the best habits that Sexy Corte and I have cultivated during our marriage. We’ve written two posts about protecting your master bedroom from your children and making it a haven for your sexual relationship, and it’s just as important to protect your time as your space.

When you have young children it’s easy for them to dominate every waking second of your life, but your sex life is going to suffer if you let that happen. Maintaining a consistent bedtime for your kids is important for their mental and physical health, your sanity, and your sex life. If your kids wake up and go to sleep when you do, it’s no surprise you don’t have time and energy for sex.

Children need structure and consistency, and they need a lot of sleep.

Among the children who were in bed by 8 p.m., 10 percent were obese as teens, compared to 16 percent of those who went to bed between 8 and 9 and 23 percent of those who went to bed after 9, according to the study, published in The Journal of Pediatrics.

Although the study does not prove that early bedtimes protect against obesity, Dr. Anderson said, “there is a great deal of evidence linking poor sleep, and particularly short sleep duration, to obesity, and it’s possible the timing of sleep may be important, above and beyond the duration of sleep.”

“This provides more evidence that having an early regular bedtime and bedtime routine for young children is helpful,” she said.

We try to have our younger kids in bed by seven every evening, and the older ones in bed by eight. They’re not always asleep by then, but they’re in bed and quiet. We stick to this schedule about six days a week, and the other day we’re likely to have some church or social event that keeps us out a later. Our kids are like all other kids: they stall, delay, and beg to stay up later, but they know the routine and are generally compliant.

This schedule gives me and Sexy Corte at least two hours together almost every evening. It’s very easy to have a babysitter watch the sleeping children while we go on a date (which we try to do monthly) but most of the time we spend the evening playing board games together — and having sex! Sexy Corte’s best time of day for orgasm has moved around over the years, and now the golden hour is right after we get the kids to bed. As you can imagine, I’m pretty motivated to tuck them in!

As our kids get older I’m sure they’ll stay up later, but we still plan to enforce a quiet time in the evening starting around eight. We’ll see how that goes!

We’re frequently shocked to learn that many of our friends have their kids in activities several nights per week, let them stay up until ten, or even let them sleep in the master bedroom. I don’t see how such parents ever find time for themselves. If you’re in this position and you can’t imagine how to change things around, check out our post about creating the habit of daily sex — it contains a bunch of good tips for creating good habits in your life and marriage.

Do you have any good ideas for protecting your time, space, and energy for sex?

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It can be hard to consistently find time and energy for sex, and yet we know that the best way to have great sex with your spouse is to have more sex. We get a lot of emails from husbands and wives who want more sex, but for all sorts of reasons it just doesn’t happen. It’s easy to blame your spouse, or to “try harder”, but there’s a tool available to you that you may not have considered and is guaranteed to work: creating a habit.

When was the last time you forgot to brush your teeth? Or put on clothes? Or how to drive to work? You’ve been doing these things for years or decades, and you basically never forget. Sometimes you even drive to work on accident when you mean to go somewhere else! These things are all habits, and you do them easily every day without thinking. They enhance your life, keep you healthy, and satisfy your needs. Bad habits are easily acquired, but good habits don’t just happen: someone creates them. Getting dressed and brushing your teeth seem routine, but your parents worked hard to create those habits for you! In the same way, you can intentionally create the good habit of daily sex with your spouse.

First of all, consider: does your marriage have a bad habit of assuming that you won’t have sex? This is pretty common for married couples. The expectation is set that they won’t have sex unless someone initiates it. The baseline assumption is no sex. That’s a bad habit! Fortunately, the best way to break a bad habit is to replace it with a good habit.

Ok, so how do we build a good habit? Tom Bartow has identified three phases of habit formation that we need to recognize in order to be successful.

Phase 1: THE HONEYMOON

This phase of habit formation is characterized by the feeling of “this is easy.” As all married people will tell you, at some point even the greatest honeymoon must end. The honeymoon phase is usually the result of something inspiring. For example, a person attends a highly motivational conference, and for the first few days after the conference the individual is making positive changes in his or her life.

Phase 2: THE FIGHT THRU

Inspiration fades and reality sets in. A person finds himself struggling with the positive habit completion and old habits seem to be right around the corner. The key to moving to the third phase of habit formation is to win 2 or 3 “fight thru’s.” This is critical. To win the fight thru, use the following techniques:

  1. RECOGNIZE: Recognition is essential for winning the fight thru. When you have entered the fight through, simply say to yourself, “I have entered the fight thru, and I need to win a few to move past this.” Winning each fight thru will make it easier to win the next. Conversely, when you choose to lose a fight thru, you make it easier to lose the next one.
  2. ASK 2 QUESTIONS: “How will I feel if I do this?”and “How will I feel if I don’t do this?” Bring EMOTION into the equation. Let yourself feel the positive in winning the fight thru and the negative in losing.
  3. LIFE PROJECTION: If the above 2 techniques haven’t moved you to action, then imagine in great detail how your life will be in 5 years if you do not begin making changes. Be totally honest with yourself, and allow yourself to feel what life will be like if the changes are not made.

Phase 3: SECOND NATURE

Entering second nature is often described by feelings of “getting in the groove.” Once in second nature, the following are 3 common interruptions that will send a person back to the fight thru:

  1. THE DISCOURAGEMENT MONSTER: An individual allows negative results discourage him or her into thinking, “This isn’t working, and there is nothing I can do.”
  2. DISRUPTIONS: An individual experiences significant change to his or her current pattern (e.g., vacations, holidays, illness, weekends).
  3. SEDUCTION OF SUCCESS: An individual begins to focus on positive results and begins to think, “I’m the special one. I have finally figured out how to have great results with not so great process.”

If a person experiences an interruption that sends him or her back to the fight thru, winning 2 or 3 fight thru’s will bring him or her back to second nature.

Here’s how to put this process into action and create a new habit of daily sex.

The first thing to do is have a conversation and say it. Tell your spouse that you’d like to change your daily default from no-sex to sex, that you want the two of you to set the expectation that you’ll be having sex every day. The key here isn’t that you must have sex every single day, but that the expectation is for daily sex —  if no one says anything, then assume you’re having sex. Does your spouse agree? If not, then you’re not ready to create a habit because you aren’t both on the same page. Continue your conversation and come back to this post later. To be successful, both spouses need to want to create the new habit.

After you’ve agreed on your goal, start doing it! Have sex every day unless someone asks otherwise. Make sex the assumption, and no-sex the exception. This is the beginning of Phase 1. It’ll probably be easy for a while! Remember your first year of marriage, your literal honeymoon? You’ll want to pick a time that’s usually available every day and start doing it.

But Phase 2 is the hardest part. There may be a few days where no one says anything, and you don’t have sex. Your new habit hasn’t solidified yet. You have to recognize that your expectation is reverting to no-sex, and you need to have a conversation about it. Reaffirm your shared goal of daily sex. Don’t make excuses for why you failed, and don’t feel bad about it. Just recognize the need to “fight thru”. Take the time to get in the mood, muster some energy, and make love. Just Do It. Winning “fight thru” episodes is the key creating a new habit — it will take several wins over the course two or three months to set your new habit in stone.

And finally, don’t become complacent when you hit Phase 3. Periodically remind yourselves about your goal of daily sex, and verify that your new expectation is solidly in place: do you always have sex unless someone initiates a “no”?

Once your habit is in place, you should never have no-sex unless someone intentionally initiates it. The end result won’t be sex every single day of the year — sometimes you get sick, kids drive you crazy, work and chores overwhelm you, and emergencies happen. That’s life! But the expectation every day is that you’ll be having sex together.

What do you think about the daily habit of sex? Is your daily expectation yes, or no?

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