Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality

Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality 1

Are you ever confused by your own sexual arousal? By what turns you on and when? Or… maybe you’re confused by your spouse. Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex? Why is he always so turned on? The “he” and “she” there are stereotypical — sometimes it goes the other way — but scientists have identified two different pathways to arousal that map onto these common perceptions. The two polarities are called “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire”, and they lead to very different behavior that can confuse you and your spouse if you don’t recognize what’s happening.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous. The recipient of these behaviors may ask themselves things like:

  • “Why is he touching me now?”
  • Why does he want to do that?
  • “Why is he so persistent?”
  • “Again?”
  • “Does he think about anything besides sex?”

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex. Without understanding this process, a husband may think things like:

  • “Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex?”
  • “I’ll wait for her to initiate this time.”
  • “Why do I have to try so hard to turn her on?”
  • “Isn’t she attracted to me? Doesn’t she want me?”
  • “Why doesn’t she suggest something new?”

Of course, there are no absolutes in life. Some men are more responsive, and some women are more spontaneous. What’s more, a person’s desire polarity may vary over time — especially for women, as their hormones change throughout their menstrual cycles.

Now that you know about spontaneous and responsive desire, what action can you take?

If you and your spouse are both spontaneous… well, you’re probably having sex all the time. Congrats!

If you are spontaneous and your spouse is responsive:

  • Don’t judge your responsive spouse for not being spontaneous.
  • Learn how to elicit sexual response from your spouse and recognize when she is getting turned on.
  • Be enthusiastic and persistent with initiation; don’t get frustrated that you initiate most of the time.

If you are responsive and your spouse is spontaneous:

  • Don’t judge your spontaneous spouse for not being responsive.
  • When your spontaneous spouse initiates sex, don’t immediately see it as an annoyance or distraction! Give your mind a body a chance to respond.
  • Learn to recognize your own arousal when your mind and body respond to your spouse’s initiation. It may not be obvious.

If you and your spouse are both responsive, you’re going to need to be extra intentional. Try one of our sex games or the random foreplay generator to initiate sex when you’ve got time, even if neither of you is particularly in the mood. Once you get started, you can both respond to the heat generated by the game!

Do you have any experiences to share? Any advice? Leave a comment!

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  1. This is a great way to help marriages with mismatched sex drives understand each other. As you have stressed, the most important facet of being different from your spouse is to accept your differences. We aren’t meant to be clones of each other. The goal is to think together not think alike! I also think that figuring out the marriage bed of a mismatched marriage is the place where most personal growth in a marriage happens. Even though the initial issue revolves around sex, the solution flows out to touch all areas of your marriage where you experience differences. Being different isn’t bad, it’s actually good. I find our differences round out our marriage and make it more whole and fulfilling. He’s spontaneous and I’m not. But, by trying to be more spontaneous, I become more flexible and able roll with things when life gets bumpy. Thanks for this! Great help for understanding your spouse!

    1. Thanks, I agree. It can sure be difficult to understand someone who thinks differently than you, and it’s easy to be judgmental or critical rather than seeking to understand.

    2. Bonny,

      “This is a great way to help marriages with mismatched sex drives understand each other. As you have stressed, the most important facet of being different from your spouse is to accept your differences.”

      You have stated the subject about differences beautifully. I will go one step farther and say that freedom becomes more apparent when we as spouses do not try to change our spouse or even coveting someone else’s marriage bed (e.g. Christian married couples who have vibrant sex drives while our spouses do not). God worked with me a long time to see how my coveting was sin and that I can be content where her sex drive.

  2. Explains so much so concisely. (Thanks to Keelie Reason for sharing on her blog, where I first saw this) The people in our audience are generally in one of two camps. They are either looking to revive a spark or never really had it all. Often this is because of mismatched sex drives. And while our approach is to foster the elements of a sexually satisfying relationship over time, I don’t think we’ve ever really explained that possible underlying fault so eloquently. Relationships in which both are spontaneous can and often do struggle when it comes to their sex lives despite the inherent advantages of their natural spontaneity. However, those in which only one or neither are spontaneous is naturally going to have more valleys than peaks. In those cases, it is helpful for the couple to understand their partner’s natural approach so that they can better grasp the reason for the struggles they face. When they understand the problem is born of nature and is not a reflection of the love each has for the other, the couple can move beyond any sense of distrust or misunderstanding and become more fulfilled in the relationship.

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