Back in 2016 (!) we wrote about our habit of daily sex, and we recently received an email from a pastor with some questions for us. This email spurred a conversation between me and Sexy Corte that has updated some of our thinking.
First, here’s the email from pastor and reader “KN”:
Background: My wife and I have a solid sex life and marriage. Usually 2-4 times a week, mostly by my initiation (she is a stay-at-home-mom, homeschooler, and 1000 other things, so I am ok with that) during the day through conversation or a pre-arranged day of the week. We both enjoy sex, which is a blessing.
Further background: I’m a pastor, and in preparing to do some premarital counseling, I of course am prepping a portion on sexual intimacy. I read your blog and others to help me formulate my prepping. One of the things that I consistently read is that you have sex every day.
Here’s the two-part question: 1) has it been that way for a while and 2) assuming you didn’t used to have sex everyday, what started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you “keep at it”, making it not turn into a “mundane” thing?
Go read the original post for an explanation of how to create the habit of daily sex in your marriage. We won’t repeat all that here. We do want to highlight something important though:
The key here isn’t that you must have sex every single day, but that the expectation is for daily sex — if no one says anything, then assume you’re going to have ““““““““““““`sex. […]
Once your habit is in place, you should never have no-sex unless someone intentionally initiates it. The end result won’t be sex every single day of the year — sometimes you get sick, kids drive you crazy, work and chores overwhelm you, and emergencies happen. That’s life! But the expectation every day is that you’ll be having sex together.
The point isn’t to have sex every single day, the point is to create the default of sex every day — as opposed to many couples who view sex as the exception rather than the expectation.
So with that point made, we will answer KN’s questions.
- “Has it been that way for a while?” — Yes, we’ve cultivated a habit of daily sex throughout our whole marriage. Obviously the habit is harder to keep during some time periods than others. Overall, I estimate that we have sex about 25 times per month. Sickness, separation, arguments, weariness, anxiety, stress, and other challenges frequently arise and sometimes hinder us from achieving our goal.
- “What started it, how long have you been doing it, and how do you keep at it, making it not turn into a mundane thing?” — As we wrote in the earlier post, daily sex is a habit like any other. How do you build good habits for exercise or healthy eating? You make a plan and you just do it. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don’t, but you just do it. And sometimes you skip exercising or decide to eat garbage despite your best intentions. But you don’t beat yourself up over it.
Sexy Corte and I had a big conversation about our habit and expectations after receiving KN’s email. We decided that we both want to maintain the habit, but that we want to shift expectations a bit. The primary changes we’ve decide to make are:
- Previously we were most likely to decide not to have sex on days when Sexy Corte is on her period. Now we have decided to do more sexual activities while she’s on her period, and reduce sexual activities while she has PMS. Her PMS days are the days when she is generally least interested in physical intimacy of any kind, whereas period days still offer lots of opportunities.
- Previously we would often have “efficient” sex first-thing in the morning. This decision would often make it difficult for Sexy Corte to be interested in more prolonged and intimate sessions in the evening. Now we’ve decided to be more strategic with our morning quickies so as to create space and energy for evening sex. Now we probably have morning sex 3-4 times per week rather than 5-6, and evening sex on the other days.
Just remember than sex with your spouse is always relational not transactional. Building a habit of daily sex is great, but as with all habits be sure to practice moderation. Communicate and adapt!
Do you practice daily sex with your spouse? Do you have any experience with communicating about changing expectations? Leave us a comment and let us know!
This post realy puts daily sex into TRUE focus! Oftentimes the husband or wife can feel undo pressure to perform. This pressure can kill the libido! It is importnat to also honor the commitment made between yourself and your spouse.
As usual you guys are top notch in how you laying it out for believers so that we do not feel bound under religious “rules”!
Thank you! We really appreciate the feedback. It means a lot to us.
My wife and I have created the habit of daily sex thanks to your blog. Making that happen was easy for me, but took lots work on her part to change her mental approach to sex. All through our 20s we would only have sex when she was “in the mood” which was maybe once a week and was a cause for many arguments. But I stuck with it, read some blogs, and she eventually bought into the idea that sex is a gift, not a chore, and can be enjoyed even if you are not “in the mood$ st that t particular moment. We now have sex 20-25 times a month, almost always in the evening before bed. She will even hurry me into the bedroom early on nights when she is feeling especially tired in order to not fall asleep on me. Daily sex has been such a blessing and I hope we can keep this habit going into our 40s and beyond.
Wow that’s fantastic, good for you both! We are so grateful that God has used our blog in a small way to edify Christian marriages.
Sounds like she just wamts to get it over with. What a ridiculous idea.
What is the “ridiculous idea,” daily sex or inviting me to bed early? When we decided to prioritize sex we had to sacrifice something, and that ended up being evening tv time. On nights when she feels she needs extra sleep we head to bed early because sex is our priority. There are still several days each month we don’t have sex, but it’s rarely more than once or twice a week.
Did you do anything to help her with the mental and emotional work she had to do? I agree with Fiona, you are sure making it sound like this is more for you than her. Are you doing anything to make it easier for her and does she enjoy it as much as you do? I know that trying to have sex every evening would not work for me and would spoil what we already have. Thankfully, my husband doesn’t want sex every day either. He’d never expect me to prioritize sex over sleep if I was really tired. The experience would be below par for both of us.
You guys are all lucky, I only get sex when my wife wants a baby. So once in the past 2 years…it was of course my luck that I got her pregnant on the first try…oh well that’s life. Turns out when I was a teenager and the preacher said “get married and you can have all the sex you want” was a bit of a stretch….kinda like get your driver’s license and you can have all the Ferrari’s you want. Lol
I used to be like your wife. My husband and I had a falling out about sex, actually several falling outs over 16 years. The thing that helped me most as a woman/wife was finally realizing my role in our marriage. I wasn’t fulfilling the role that God wanted me to ie gatekeeping, withholding sex. We we’re also not putting God first in our marriage and THIS is so important. I got saved through our ordeal and it’s been life changing. Perhaps revisit the Bible and what it says about marriage. Pray for your marriage and your wife. But keep in mind you both have to be willing to work for what you want and be willing to listen to God.
What a great testimony! Thank you for sharing.