Clitoral Stimulation 1

The Marriage Bed has a fascinating survey on female orgasm during intercourse with or without clitoral stimulation. As the charts show, most women need clitoral stimulation to climax regularly. I am definitely one of them. I have never had an orgasm with intercourse only. Intercourse feels great to me, but it can’t get me there without some help.

Part of what I found most interesting about the survey was reading the comments at the end. Women are all so different! We have very different bodies and very different sex lives. I found myself feeling envious when I read about the women that could orgasm easily with intercourse alone. Conversely I felt very grateful when I read about women that had a very difficult time.

After reading through the comments I felt convicted for my emotional response. God gave us the bodies we have, so there is no sense in wishing for something different. If we aren’t experiencing the pleasure we want to have, we need to communicate and work with our spouse to figure out how to achieve our desired level of sexual satisfaction. I think most husbands want to give their wives orgasms, but they might need some help figuring out what feels good. Don’t be afraid to communicate! When we first started using a vibrator, I was afraid to ask if we could use it. I didn’t want El Fury to feel slighted or like I preferred it over him. It took me some time to realize that he understands, loves and accepts my body just the way it is. He cares about getting me to climax, and if we have to use a vibrator while he is inside me, it doesn’t bother him at all. I love our sex life! If we hadn’t been able to communicate and willing to experiment, I probably still would never have had an orgasm. I’m glad I didn’t miss out on that!!

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Turn-offs 2

We talk a lot about sex and what turns us on, so I thought it would be good to address the flip side of that. I want to say first that this is not a retaliation post directed at El Fury.

  • Swearing/vulgarity – This is very unattractive for both men and women. I have always appreciated that El Fury doesn’t swear. He doesn’t need obnoxious filler words to express what he is saying. Now, in the right moment, talking a little dirty can be pretty sexy. Choose those moments wisely.
  • Low self esteem – There is a difference between this and humility. I think you can still be humble and have confidence.
  • Arrogance – While low self esteem is unattractive, don’t go over-board. Cockiness is just as bad. Again, a quiet confidence is very hot. From a woman’s perspective, It assures me that you are going to be able to make good decisions for our family, as well as take charge in the bedroom. I am sure this is just as unattractive on a woman.
  • Rejection – I am an affection giver. I frequently like to give hugs, pats and kisses to El Fury whenever he is within reach. If he is working in his office I like to give drive-by affection. On occasion if this isn’t well received, I feel a sense of rejection. It makes me uninterested in later sexy time. If you can’t accept a peck on the cheek now, why should I want to engage when it’s convenient for you? You should never be too busy that you won’t welcome a love pat from your spouse.
  • Disrespect – I am disappointed at how I see people treat their spouses sometimes. The way they talk to them or about them can be very disrespectful. No one will respect your spouse more than you do.
  • Take a shower! – Even if you can’t smell yourself, your spouse can. Plus, there is nothing better than the feel of clean skin on skin.
  • Laziness – It means a lot when spouses help each other out.

Next time your spouse isn’t acting very amorous towards you, stop and think if you’ve done something to turn them off. Then figure out a way to turn it back on!

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Home Dates 3

Some of my favorite dates have been here at home. With small children, it can be hard to arrange for a babysitter and go out. Luckily kids need a lot of sleep and after the kids go to bed, the adults can play.

The key to home dates is to be intentional. Sitting on the couch together watching TV doesn’t count. Plan something! But also be flexible and allow for some spontaneity. Our last home date was so simple. All we did was make dinner and dessert together, but it turned into a memorable evening.

Remember, there are no boundaries at home. You aren’t in public, so why not turn the entire experience into a long session of foreplay? By the time the date is done (if you make it that long) you will be so hot for each other that the sex will be fantastic. A stroke here, a little suck or caress there. By the time we were done making dessert we were having so much fun with the whipped cream we practically ran upstairs.

Be romantic. Be creative. Have fun with each other! Does anyone else have ideas for home dates?

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... But You Were Afraid to Ask 4

Gerad at the blog mission:husband has an insightful post for wives titled 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head. Now, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to improve your communication with your spouse so that there’s nothing you’re afraid to ask… but until you get to that point a list like this can be pretty helpful. You and your spouse might even consider writing lists for each other if it’s hard to say some things out loud (at first).

Here are a couple of points I’ll add to his list.

  • We men like to leave our mark. That’s why we want you to swallow, and we shoot our seed deep inside you. Hours later, we like to hear that you’re sore, your muscles are tired and tingly, and our come is still leaking out. We like to hear that you’re still affected by our powerful lovemaking long after it’s over. This is the same motivation that drives men to conquer new lands and build skyscrapers.
  • Enthusiasm is the key to doing almost anything well with us. Whether its sex or helping to fix the dishwasher, when we’re doing something together your enthusiasm is really important. Even though it wasn’t your idea, and it isn’t very exciting to pass us tools while we’re shoulder-deep under an appliance, your enthusiasm will be greatly appreciated. I’m going to write a post about enthusiasm during sex later.

And finally, a modification to his point 11:

11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job – Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one.

Never really been a fan of hand-jobs… get down there and suck your husband off.

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15 Years?!?! 5

El Fury and I started reading “Sheet Music”. The book starts out describing a married couple that used to have sexual difficulty. The problem was that the wife wanted more sexual variety, and her husband was mis-reading her signals. After the husband went to counseling, a light came on, and now they have a fantastic sex life. However, they spent the first 15 years of their marriage not enjoying mediocre sex!

Communicate! It is startling that many people aren’t able to communicate about sex with their spouse. You are already naked, vulnerable, making strange noises, in awkward positions. This is not the time to be shy! If at one point during that 15 years the wife would have said “ooo, that feels good” or “why don’t we try it this way?” Or perhaps the husband could have asked “how does this feel?” or “where do you want me to touch you?” Something so simple could have made that 15 years sexually awesome!

Be bold! The more you communicate, the more comfortable it is to talk about. Being explicit with each other can be a big turn on too.

Stay tuned. I’m sure we will post more as we read more of “Sheet Music”.

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Balancing Alpha and Beta Behaviors 6

Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.

Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!

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Your Master Bedroom Is Your Sex Room: Part 2 7

In addition to El Fury’s post about the Master Bedroom being the Sex Room, I wanted to add a few other thoughts. There are other ways in which we make this room our Sex Room.

Having nightstands with drawers gives us a lot of concealed storage for various sex props. We keep a lot of toys, fun books, lube, etc. in our nightstands. It’s nice to have these things readily accessible in the heat of the moment.

I think our bedroom looks sexy too. We picked out the bedding and the furniture together, so it’s our room. We try to keep it tidy too, so at least for me, when I walk into our bedroom I don’t think about what I need to do to clean it up. I think about what I want to do, or about what I liked doing.

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Sex Before Sex 8

I’ve heard that for most women, sex starts long before sex actually starts. There are two things that definitely make me anticipate sexy time with El Fury more.

  1. Flirting. I absolutely love it when my husband flirts with me. It makes me feel like I did when we are first dating. I get all giggly and melty. It doesn’t take much effort, but it makes the mood of whatever we are doing that much better. Little things like a wink, a pat on the rear or playful banter help us make small connections during the day that turn me on for alone time later.
  2. Conversation. I love talking to my husband. Especially when I can get lost in our conversation. Most of the time it is easy to get caught up in talking about schedules, tasks, the kids. That’s part of the business of having a family. But, it’s important to talk about other things! We try to find interesting things to talk about that make the conversation exciting. El Fury and I listen to podcasts, or talk about books we are reading. Even if we only get to talk while exercising or going somewhere in the car, it’s very sexy to be interested or to feel interesting.

Foreplay doesn’t have to be physical to get you in the mood. What do other spouses do to connect outside the bedroom?

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Your Master Bedroom Is Your Sex Room 9

Sexy Corte and I have a lot of married friends who are shocked and surprised when they learn that we always lock our bedroom door at night. It seems that most of our peers not only keep their doors unlocked, but often sleep with their doors open or with their kids in the sex bed!

This is wrong. How are you going to get it on when kids can burst in any any time? Or when kids are in bed with you? The master bedroom is a place of intimacy, privacy, and sexual abandon!  It’s your pleasure garden. The kids need to be kept out.

You need to think of your master bedroom as the sex room. Sure, you should have sex all over the house when possible, but if you have kids then most of the time you’ll be getting it on in your sex room. Your bed is the sex bed. In the sex room, sex can happen at any time. The sex bed is for doing dirty deeds with your spouse, not cuddling your kids.

Your kids should rarely enter the sex room, and certainly not without permission. If you’re in the sex room, you should be either preparing to have sex, actually having sex, or half-conscious from amazing sex. (Or asleep, I guess.) You don’t want your kids walking in on that, do you?

Most of sex is mental and emotional, not physical. If you think of your bedroom as your sex room, guess what? Your mind and emotions will shift to make it true. Guard your intimacy and your privacy with your spouse, because if you don’t respect them then your kids certainly won’t.

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Marriage Class 10

We recently went through a marriage class at our church that focuses on 7 areas of marriage and how to improve each area. These are topics such as communication, money, conflict, etc. Surprisingly, we found the topic of sexual intimacy to be the best. We have found that this topic in Christian circles can be awkward or only lightly touched on. We were excited to come away from this meeting with lots of good thoughts to discuss. Here are some of the key points:

  • Sex is a gift from God to be experienced inside of marriage. It is meant for physical and emotional pleasure.
  • Men and women are different. We have different drives, different ways of being aroused, different needs. Be a student of your spouse. Learn what each other likes! Talk about it, pay attention to their response in the bedroom, show each other.
  • Communicate about sex! The more you talk about sex with each other, the easier it is to talk about. Praise on another when they do something right. Keep changing and growing. There are lots of ways to spice things up, be open to trying new things!
  • Guard your sex life! Make it a priority.
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