Sexual IQ 1

I have been reading through the book “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman. It has been a great read! If you decide to read it, I do recommend reading certain chapters before having sex because some of them are sure to get you in the mood. Dr. Leman has a great chapter on Sexual IQ. He describes your sexual IQ, not as how much you know about sex, but about how much you know about your spouse’s sexual preferences. He has a list of questions (see below) that I think is important for a married couple to know about each other. El Fury and I went through each question and guessed each other’s answers before sharing our own. It was interesting to see how our answers matched, or what we could learn about each other. We already have really open communication about our sex life, so this exercise was really fun! If you don’t have good communication about sex, this is a great ice breaker that gives you an opportunity to learn and share. I was pleased that El Fury and I have a high sexual IQ. Here is the list:

1. Does your spouse prefer candlelight, total darkness, mood lights, colored lights, or complete white light during sex? Does she or he like to experiment with light? If so, when, and in what mood?

2. Does your spouse like any particular smells during sex? Does she enjoy candles? If so, what fragrance? Does he appreciate any special perfume?

3. What is your spouse’s favorite time of the day to engage in sexual relations? Do you ever make room in your schedule to accommodate this time?

4. Does your spouse like you to talk during sex? Make more noise during sex? Does he or she want you to talk more before you have sex? Would she or he prefer that you start praying before or after sex on occasion?

5. Does your wife have a favorite massage lotion? Does she like the lotion heated, or straight out of the bottle?

6. Does your spouse like to have fun during sex, or is he or she more serious?

7. What are your spouse’s three favorite places to be touched? Kissed?

8. What position is your spouse’s favorite?

9. What is one sexual practice your spouse would really like to try that the two of you haven’t done yet?

10. What is your spouse’s favorite sexual fantasy?

11. What turns off your spouse quicker than anything else?

I’m sure there are a lot of other questions you can add to this!For example, on number 10, we also talked about our favorite sexual memory. You should always be a student of your spouse, and that includes learning more about them sexually.

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Setting Sexual Records 2

Sexy Corte just posted about her wifely “double feature” and mentioned setting orgasm records… so, if you’re not too shy, leave a comment and share some records you’ve set with your spouse!

  1. Number of her orgasms in a single session.
  2. Number of her orgasms in a single day.
  3. Number of his orgasms in a single day (or session??).
  4. Duration of sex play in a single session.
  5. Duration of intercourse.
  6. Number of different locations in a single day.
  7. Favorite location other that your usual spots.
  8. Number of positions in a single session.

I’m sure there are more records you’ve enjoyed with your spouse, so leave a comment and inspire me!

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"Double Feature" for the Wife! 3

Recently El Fury did a post on his version of the double feature. In my head, every time I have 2 orgasms I think of it as a double feature. Or triple feature, etc. Husbands, when was the last time you gave your wife multiple orgasms? Tell her that is your plan for the evening and see how many “features” you can get!

Once in a while El Fury will surprise me and set up our room in a way that I know the focus is going to be on me for a while. He likes to try to set new records for number of orgasms I can have in one night. He usually gets out the wedges and the vibrator. I get to just lay back and have fun! I love knowing how much he enjoys giving me an orgasm. It adds a whole other layer to my sexual satisfaction and really makes me feel loved. Tell your wife and then show her just how much you enjoy giving her pleasure!

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Give Your Spouse Something To Be Thankful For 4

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

When was the last time you thanked God for your spouse? When was the last time you thanked God for creating sex, and bringing you and your spouse together to enjoy sex together? Don’t fall into the trap of spending all your prayer time asking for things — “count your blessings”, and thank God for them. Especially your spouse. It’s temping to “pray for your spouse” by listing off all your complaints to God (and that’s certainly wiser than listing them all to your spouse), but don’t use “prayer” as an excuse to develop a bitter or demanding spirit. Notice how I put “prayer” in quotes everywhere? If you use your time with God to complain, are you really communicating with him at all?

Check out my Song of Solomon series and meditate on the imagery the Lover and Beloved use to describe each other. Pray those words over your spouse.

When was the last time you thanked your spouse for their love? When was the last time you thanked your spouse for being your lover? Maybe you figure “she already knows”, or “he won’t want to talk about it”, but ’tis the season! Thank your spouse for their love, their intimacy, and their sexuality.

Even though the holidays are busy and stressful, make some time to be alone with your spouse and give them something special to be thankful for!

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Time of Day 5

A little while ago El Fury did a post on How to Help Your Wife Orgasm. I think he made all great points, but there is one thing I would add. Time of day. This can also link back to communication, but I think it’s important to mention. Time of day has become a big factor for me with when I orgasm, especially with whatever season of life we are in. When El Fury and I were first married and had fewer commitments, this was much less of an issue. Anytime was pretty much the best time.

This changed significantly when kids got thrown in the mix. We still kept our sexy time routine, but since it takes much longer for me to orgasm, it especially impacted my schedule. It’s hard to be almost there and be able to finish when a baby cry starts blaring through a monitor! If something like that starts happening regularly, it can become pretty sexually frustrating. When you have a big adjustment like kids, career, etc. in life it’s important to also adjust your sex routine to make sure both spouses are getting the amount of sexual satisfaction they want.

Here are some different ways that we have adjusted our schedules to allow enough time for me to orgasm.

1. Set an alarm for snuggling and/or sex in the morning. If you are too sleepy, even just having that extra time to snuggle in the morning is a great way to start the day.

2. If you have kids that nap, get in the bedroom as soon as they go to sleep. As they start getting older, you can try to enforce “quiet time” so you can still get some time alone.

3. Set bedtime schedules and stick to them. Your marriage needs time alone and if you are anything like us, this time is best the few hours we have together after the kids go to bed. We fiercely guard bedtimes.

4. Have sex first. Right now in our season of life, I have the most energy right after the kids go to bed. This is when I have majority of my orgasms. I love it when we have sex, then go play a board game or watch TV. If we wait to have sex until we are both ready for bed and about to fall asleep, I am usually wiped from the day and not as much in the mood to orgasm.

As our kids get older and bedtimes change we have had to make periodic adjustments. Pay attention and figure out when you have the most energy in the day and are feeling the most sexy. Then communicate that with your spouse and make it a goal to have sex at that time. Your husband wants to give you an orgasm so help him figure out when is the best time to do that.

 

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Having Great Sex in Marriage 6

XXX Church has a post with some tips for great sex in your marriage (thanks for the pointer, SC). There’s definitely no shortage of tips on the internet, but here are my top two from this post:

#1 Twice a week.

#5 NO More Excuses.

For #1, I think twice a week is pretty modest. I guess if you’re at twice a month then quadrupling that would seem like a bonanza (or a hassle), but really, this is a very low bar. Sexy Corte and I have young kids, jobs, hobbies, etc., and we do it 8-10 times a week. If that sounds crazy to you, then one of both of these is true:

  1. You don’t want to have sex that much
  2. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex that much

If it’s both of you, then great. I’d still recommend having sex twice a week, but whatever. If you both want to miss out then that’s up to you.

If your spouse wants it and you don’t, then you need to check yourself before you wreck your marriage. Introspect. Maybe your spouse can “improve” something to increase your libido, but honestly, your lack of desire is primarily your problem to fix. So get on it. This is #5 above: no more excuses.

If you’re desperate for sex and your spouse isn’t interested, then maybe there are some things you can do to help the situation. Here are some basics:

  1. Hygiene. Seriously, are you clean? Are your sexy bits clean? Do you shower, or stink? How’s your breath? This is pretty basic, but it’s worth mentioning.
  2. Grooming. Do you make an effort to be attractive? Do you shave your face or legs (or balls)? Do you put on something sexy? Or do you expect your spouse to swoon for a slob?
  3. Attitude. Is your attitude crappy? Do you complain a lot or pick fights over stupid stuff? Are you grateful for your spouse, or bitter? Are you helpful and understanding, or dismissive and impatient? Are you like Christ?
  4. Enthusiasm. When you initiate sex are you demanding, resentful, whiny, desperate… or enthusiastic? Everyone loves to have fun, so be excited! “Want to try something crazy?” “Look what I just read on Married Christian Sex!” “I can’t wait till we’re alone together later….” Be flirty and fun. Build up anticipation.
  5. Pray! Yes, God cares about your sex life, and He wants it to be awesome. If it isn’t all you want it to be, then pray about it. Confess your sins, look inside yourself and change what needs to change. Pray that God would be at work in your spouse too. Pray that God would give you a great sex life, and that your spouse will want it as much as you. God works through prayer.

I’ve still got to write my post about enthusiasm….

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Hope deferred 7

I have been slowly reading through the book Sheet Music and it brings up Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” It talks about this verse in regard to sexual rejection. Hope is a powerful thing. Every time you initiate sexy time with your spouse, there is a hopefulness. According to Proverbs, if you defer that hope it makes your spouse’ heart sick. You can defer hope by making excuses or simply making yourself unavailable. I know you can’t say “yes” every single time, but the instances that you say “no” should be rare. After your relationship with Christ, your marriage is your most important relationship, and meeting each other’s sexual needs is essential to your marital health.

I love the second part of the verse. Your marriage should resemble a tree of life. It should be lively, growing and fruitful. Fulfill each other’s desires and say YES to each other! Your sex life is a good indicator of the health of your marriage. Is your spouse’ heart sick? Figure out what you need to adjust in your life so that you have the energy, time and desire for each other.

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Quiche 8

I had a grandfather that used to order quiche every time we went to a restaurant. He would always proudly say to the waitress, “I’ll have the quickie“. I never knew if he mis-pronounced it on purpose or not. As I got older and I understood what “quickie” meant, I went to restaurants feeling a mixture of amusement, embarrassment, and also a little nausea.

Now that I am a wife and a mom, I have come to appreciate the value of the “quickie”. Daily life can feel so hectic. Nap times get interrupted, the to-do list piles up. It’s not often that you find yourself in the middle of a quiet moment during the afternoon. We have realized that when moments like that come your way, embrace the spontaneity and have sex.

El Fury and I were lucky to have 2 such moments in the past week, which is like the blue moon of quickies. Last Sunday afternoon the kids were napping or quietly occupied. We actually had enough time to have sex and snuggle. In our bed! It was so luxurious. Mid-week one kid was at school, the others were napping, I had caught up on work and El Fury happened to be in between work calls. I saw the opportunity, turned on the charm, and in a few minutes we were having sex in the chair in El Fury’s office.

It doesn’t matter where the quickie occurs. Find the nearest surface and do it!

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Sexy Corte 9

Sexy Corte is a dance move in the Tango. As the name implies, it is a very sexy move. It comes from a move simply called the Corte, which is when the dancers pause for a beat, and the woman extends her left leg out and looks over her left shoulder. The Sexy Corte starts with the regular Corte, but then the woman takes her left leg and very slowly slides it up and around her partner’s leg, and back down again. It is very sultry and seductive.

If you are looking for a way to spice up your marriage, I would recommend studying the Tango. El Fury and I took ballroom dancing for a while, and it was a lot of fun. The Tango was definitely our favorite. It is a spiteful, jealous dance that gives you the thrill of pursuing and being pursued. Especially once you learn a few moves and get over the awkward fumbling of beginning ballroom dancing, it is impossible not to feel sexy while doing this dance. It always made me want to rip El Fury’s clothes off right there. We don’t go to class anymore, but once in a while after the kids go to bed you can find us refreshing our Tango moves at home.

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Surprise Your Husband 10

One of my most memorable dates with El Fury involved our car, a napkin, and a skirt. We had had a crazy day with the kids and both of us needed a little break. Last minute we asked a friend to watch them so that we could get out for a few hours. I threw on a skirt and a nice top, we dropped the kids off and went out for ice cream. El Fury didn’t know that I had a little trick up my sleeve.

In the middle of our date, I wrote him a note on a napkin and slid it over to him. He unfolded it, read it, and got a sly smile on his face. The note simply said, “I’m not wearing any panties”.  He was too distracted after that, so we immediately finished our ice cream and got out of there. We drove to the nearest dead end we could find. All he had to do was pull down his pants a little, and all I had to do was hop on. We had amazing sex, definitely in my top 5!

I love it when El Fury is thoughtful and romantic. For him, and probably most men I would guess, it meant a lot to him that I thought out and planned a sexual surprise. He likes knowing that I think about and initiate a lot of our sexy time. Something so simple can go a long way. Women, think of a way to surprise your husband sexually.

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