I thought it would be interesting to share my perspective on Choreplay after El Fury’s post. I have been thinking on this concept a while and have a few thoughts:
1. I agree that the idea of trading sex for chores seems like borderline prostitution. However, I also agree with our readers that if this is done in a lighthearted way, it can be fun. If you know that Acts of Service is your spouse’s love language, and can spice up doing dishes while being sexy, go for it! I do think it is dangerous to toy with using sex for manipulation, especially if you imply sex is on the table and don’t deliver it.
2. El Fury and I assume the more traditional gender chores naturally simply because I stay at home with our pre-schoolers. So, I am happy to take care of the majority of the chores while El Fury works. I can remember when I did work full time after our first baby was born. It was so hard to balance taking care of the baby, household chores, and spending time with our family. At that time of my life, I greatly appreciated any help El Fury would give with chores. It helped to ease the burden, and relieved some of my stress. I’m sure this did help to keep my libido intact, although I don’t recall looking at El Fury with a load of laundry and thinking, “ah yeah”. But, as one of our readers commented, less stress is better for sex, so it was probably indirectly related. I will say though, there is something very sexy about El Fury using his drill while wearing a plain white shirt. Rawr. So maybe the studies are right and women find man-chores sexy!
3. I think the studies El Fury cites are interesting. The study says that couples had sex 1.6 times more a month when couples assumed traditional gender chores. I am curious of what the base average amount of sex for those couples is. For us, having sex 1.6 times more a month isn’t really a lot! But, if you are a couple that isn’t having a lot of sex, that could be a lot more sex.
4. What I think is the most important part of this whole idea of choreplay is to find out what your spouse finds sexy, and do that. You are the ONLY person that can fulfill your spouse sexually. That is a big responsibility. Be interested, and be interesting to your spouse. I have heard before that you should be a student of your spouse. You love each other, so be sexy for each other.
I’m curious if the 1.6 represents a raw number or percentage increase there’s a big difference between 10 + 1.6 = 11.6 or a percentage increase of 10 * 1.6 = 16. When studies say something happened two times as often, that usually means 200% more. In this case 1.6 times could mean 160% more, which is a lot more fun!
In this case, it’s 1.6 more sexual encounters per month. If you otherwise have 10, then 1.6 is a 16% increase; if you otherwise have 20, then 1.6 is an 8% increase.
I am the type that cannot get into sex while my house is dirty. I just like there thinking that I should have swept the floor or washed that pot before I came to bed. So, for me, sex at this point is distracted sex.
My DH knows that I HATE to clean the bathroom. He will clean it for me and that is a huge turnon (my love language is acts of service). For me, just the fact that he will do a job I hate so much makes me want to show him how much I appreciate him doing that chore for me. We are not trading anything, in fact I don’t think I have thought about it this way before, but sex does seem to happen more when I am not dreading the dirty bathroom (or other areas of the house).
As for doing chores in a sexy manner? No, doesn’t do a thing but make me laugh. After 25 years, he has found numerous ways to turn me on that don’t really appear sexual. Many of them involve doing something for me (acts of service). His love language is gifts so for him, I give him something. Maybe a note (my panties may be a good one, I hadn’t thought of that but he would love it. Can’t wait to see his reaction.) or a gift in his lunch. I always make sure I have his favorite snacks or candy to sneak in when he’s not expecting them.
We don’t sext, but we do have certain emojis that have special meaning for us. When I want him to think about me at work, I’ll just send him an emoji. 😉
You might enjoy secret message panties!
Ooo, I like this idea. He will too.