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The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness 1

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #004: The Importance of Sexual Responsiveness

In our recent post about the importance of enthusiasm we briefly mentioned responsiveness and promised a follow-up post, so here it goes. All aspects of sexual enthusiasm are valuable to cultivate with your spouse, but sexual responsiveness is critical for creating exciting, pleasurable, and memorable sexual encounters. What do we mean by sexual responsiveness? Basically, sexual responsiveness is verbal or non-verbal communication with your spouse during sex that demonstrates how much you’re enjoying what your spouse is doing right then. Whichever spouse is receiving/submissive at the moment should be sexually responsive to the actions of the giving/dominant spouse. These roles may swap once or more during a single encounter, so pay attention. For example, if you are receiving oral sex you should be the one responding.

In this post we will first discuss why sexual responsiveness is important and then describe some methods for being responsive.

So, why is sexual responsiveness important?

  1. Your response is your spouse’s reward! If your spouse is pleasuring you sexually, your response tells them that they’re being successful and that you appreciate their effort. If your spouse is going down on you and you’re silent, you may as well be checking your text messages or falling asleep as far as they can tell. We think the need for affirmation is especially strong for husbands — wives, it thrills your husbands when you moan and squirm!
  2. Your response leads to better sex. Your spouse wants to please you, so give them some hints! Your response should help your spouse learn to pleasure you the way you want.
  3. Your response heightens your own arousal. Responsiveness creates a feedback loop in your own body and brain. When you respond to your spouse you’re also pulling yourself deeper into the moment.
  4. Your response creates engagement. Do you want to feel more emotionally connected during sex? Be more responsive to your spouse. Being responsive helps keep both people in the moment, engaged with each other, and prevents distraction. It’s harder for your mind to wander to your to-do list if you are focused on your response to your spouse.
  5. Your response is critical when you’re near orgasm. This is particularly true for wives: when you’re close to orgasm, make sure your husband knows it. In order to climax you may need your husband to keep doing the same exact thing for just a few more seconds, so tell him!
  6. Your response leads to intimacy. What’s more intimate than crying out your spouse’s name when you climax? When you’re sexually responsive to your spouse you’re sharing the most personal, internal details about yourself, private knowledge about your secret inner workings that no one else gets to experience. If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.
  7. Your response leads to great foreplay later. “It felt so amazing when you did XYZ… will you do that to me again later?”
  8. Your response is fun! Loud, boisterous, intimate sex is way more fun than quiet, inhibited, distracted sex.

What does sexual responsiveness look like? How do you become more responsive to your spouse? We’re glad you asked!

  1. Verbal. Call us old-fashioned, but talking is one of the best ways to respond to your spouse sexually! “More”, “faster”, “slower”, “don’t stop”, “yes!”, “almost there”, “keep doing that”, “you feel so big”, “I love being inside you”, “you’re driving me crazy”, “I need you inside me”. Talk dirty.
  2. Your spouse’s name. Yelling out your spouse’s name is a special kind of verbal responsiveness that your spouse will certainly enjoy, especially if you cry out while you’re climaxing.
  3. Moaning. For when it feels too good to put into words. Moans, cries, groans, “oh!”, “ah!”, and so forth. If you’re shy you might be thinking that these sounds will seem overly dramatic or fake, but trust us, your spouse will not laugh at you. If your spouse isn’t used to your moaning it might push them right over the edge of their own orgasm.
  4. Eye contact. Instead of closing your eyes and disappearing into your own head, keep your eyes open and maintain eye contact. This is especially sexy during initial penetration or orgasm.
  5. Kissing. Kissing during sex is always great. Let your spouse feel your reaction to pleasure through your lips and tongue.
  6. Hands. Clutch your spouse with your hands when you’re in the throes of pleasure. Tighten your grip. Interlace fingers with your spouse. Gently use your fingernails. Squeeze, fondle, pull.
  7. Legs. Similar to using your hands… grab your spouse with your legs. Tighten your grip.
  8. Penetration. Push, pull, grasp, or whatever is appropriate to deepen the penetration. Wife, it will drive your husband crazy if you show him that you need him deeper inside you.
  9. Writhing. Wiggle and writhe while you moan. Make sure your spouse knows you’re wiggling from pleasure and not discomfort! When pleasure is extremely strong this writhing will happen naturally, which is why incorporating some light bondage into your sex play can be fun and functional.
  10. Changing speeds. Going faster, slower, or even pausing can indicate your pleasure. A husband might need to hold still for a few moments to delay his orgasm, or a wife might need to stop moving to get herself over the edge. It’s important to use additional cues so that your spouse knows why you’re changing speeds.
  11. Skin contact. Adjust your position to increase skin contact, including arms, legs, and breasts.
  12. Bury your face. Nuzzle your face into your spouse’s neck, breasts, hair, or whatever is handy. This can be especially sexy during your climax, and can also help muffle your cries if you have kids in the house!

There are our tips for being sexually responsive. What do you think? What works for you in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your ideas with the rest of us.

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The Importance of Enthusiasm 2

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #003: The Importance of Enthusiasm

We’ve been promising to write about enthusiasm for a while, but we’ve been having trouble wrapping our heads completely around it. Basically, our opinion is that enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex. [Tweet this] We know that’s a bold claim, but let’s see if we can convince you.

So what is enthusiasm? Our favorite definition is “lively interest”. Both of those words are important. I should be interested in sex with my spouse. I should think about it, plan for it, pursue it. Sex with my spouse should be one of my favorite hobbies. And my interest should be lively: active, self-motivated, dynamic.

What does enthusiasm look like? Enthusiasm for sex with your spouse isn’t just important while you’re having sex — it encompasses a lot of behaviors.

  1. Saying yes. Pretty basic, but it’s a lot better than when your spouse tells you no! As we’ve written before, yes should be the default answer when it comes to sex with your spouse. [Tweet this] There may be a reason to say no for a moment, but we’ll go out on a limb and suggest that the answer should be yes at least 90% of the time. Just like with your other hobbies, you find a way to say yes when you’re invited.
  2. Communication. Enthusiastic spouses tell each other what they like, what they want, and what they need. You can’t wait to talk to your friends about your other hobbies, right? Don’t make your spouse drag it out of you — offer your thoughts and opinions. Be eager to listen to your spouse’s desires. Be as explicit and specific as necessary! Tell your spouse exactly what you want. These conversations can take place any time, but they seem ideal for when you aren’t in the middle of sex or immediately before or after. Make some time to talk during the day. (Which may lead to sex.)
  3. Improvement. Enthusiasm means you want to be the best sex your spouse has ever had. This is the part where you follow-through on the communication. If your wife wants you to tickle her g-spot more before penetration, you can’t wait to please her. If your husband wants a quickie, shut the door and drop your panties. Your spouse has told you what they want, so hop to it! And not just the one time — be a student of your spouse and incorporate your new knowledge into your permanent expertise. When you’re invested in a hobby you work at it to improve, right? You read about it, study it, test out new ideas, and learn from experience. Sex with your spouse should be the same way.
  4. Responsiveness. Now we’re getting to what enthusiasm looks like during sex. When you’re having sex, be there, in the moment. Be fully engaged. Look your husband in the eyes and moan when he enters you. Tell your wife how amazing she looks when she rides you. Responsiveness at any given moment is mostly the responsibility of the submissive, receiving partner. The person in the receiving role may stay the same throughout a sexual encounter, or it may change several times before you’re done. The point of responsiveness is that the receiver needs to demonstrate their pleasure to the dominant, giving partner. Don’t just lay there like a rug while your spouse goes to town. If you want your spouse to improve, give them the feedback they need! It’s especially important to clearly communicate to your partner when you’re close, and when you’re having an orgasm. The topic probably deserves its own post, but here are a few ways to be responsive: talking (“more!”, “yes!”, “almost there!”); kissing; moaning; using your spouse’s name; clutching with your hands or legs; connecting with your eyes; writhing with your hips; deepening penetration; or changing speed.
  5. Experimentation. This goes for before and during sex: be open to new ideas, and don’t get frustrated if something doesn’t work. Sure, every couple has a repertoire of reliable positions that are guaranteed to please both spouses, and that’s great. You don’t have to try something new every time; most of the time your basic method is just fine. But when your spouse suggests something new, say yes! Maybe it won’t work, but don’t pre-judge it; chances are, your spouse has been working up the nerve to ask you for a while. When you say yes, don’t wince or roll your eyes, even if you’re skeptical. Don’t use the dreaded, “eh, if you want to” line either. That’s resignation, not enthusiasm. When your spouse wants to try something new with you, consider it a gift. This is an experience they’ve planned just for you and no one else in the world. Later (but not immediately afterwards), the two of you can talk about it and decide if its something you want to do sometimes/always/never. Just remember: unlike other hobbies, you’re the only appropriate sexual partner for your spouse; if you say no, that closes a door on your spouse’s desire forever.
  6. Fun. Why so glum, chum? Sex is serious business, but it should also be seriously fun. Sex with your spouse is your own private amusement park! Ride all the rides. Eat everything in sight. Laugh, joke, tickle, wrestle, tease, snuggle, play! Sex isn’t just about having babies and orgasms. What do you like best about your other hobbies? Find ways to incorporate those qualities into your sex life. For example, Sexy Corte and I like playing games, so we created Sexy Adult Jenga and Naked Marco Polo. No matter what you enjoy, you will likely be able to bring some aspects of your hobby-personality into your sex life. When your spouse introduces these interests into your sexual encounters, remember to say yes!
  7. Orgasm. Right, so sex isn’t only about orgasms, but let’s face it: orgasms are awesome. You don’t need to have an orgasm every time you have sex, but you should have an orgasm as often as you want to — and so should your spouse. Enthusiasm is hungering for an orgasm from your spouse, and craving an orgasm for your spouse. [Tweet this] Men can be very goal-oriented and focus excessively on the orgasm, so husband, make sure to listen to what your wife wants in the moment. Wife, your husband can’t read your mind, so make sure you are as responsive as possible.

Whew! That’s a long post; I hope it makes sense. If you want to kick your love life up a notch, foster some enthusiasm for sex. Please leave a comment and tell us your perspective on enthusiasm!

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Best Christian Sex Links of the Day 3

If you know of something else I need to link to, leave a comment or shoot me a message!

The Eager Wife — I’m still planning to write a post about enthusiasm; it’s always attractive.

My Husband Is the Best Lover I’ve Ever Had

3 Secrets to Amazing Oral Sex

Little Things, BIG Difference: Hand Holding — You already know I love holding hands during sex.

12 Ways to Ask for Sex Tonight — Nice shoes… wanna X?

Pulling Back the Curtains on 50 Shades of Grey — I’m all in favor of a little kink in your marriage, but romance novels are basically just porn for women.

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Emotional Undressing 5

Athol Kay at Married Man Sex Life has a post up about using active listening to connect with your wife while she decompresses from her day. This is a part of something I call emotional undressing. Just like you have to take your clothes off, you also have to undress your emotions if you’re going to connect sexually. Athol’s point is pretty simple:

Most women have a need to verbally decompress their day. Which is a fancy way of saying they need to talk when they come from work, or you come home from work when they’ve been home all day. Women tend to be more emotionally fluid than men, and it can often seem to the guy like he’s been dropped into a verbal puking of half a dozen emotions and disconnected storylines. This is just her  clearing her daily event cache. […]

The actual solution is to do what I call “Booing the Villians and Cheering the Heroes”. Which is to say you treat it something like watching a TV show with a bag of popcorn, and simply enjoy the show. When good things happen you say “woo-hoo”, when bad things happen you say “that sucks”. Her friend does something good in her story, say “she’s awesome”, and when some bitch does her bitch thing, say “that bitch”.

And some great tips from the comments:

  • ”That must have been {hard/difficult/frustrating/a relief/description of situation}”
  • ”You must have felt {emotion}”
  • ”Tell me more.”

The need to decompress isn’t limited to women — men need to decompress too, even though it may look different. Since women tend to be more relational then men, it’s not surprising that they decompress by discussing their relationships. Men tend to be more goal-oriented, which means that we decompress by tying up the loose ends of our daily tasks. It takes effort to switch gears when we’re focused on work (or a project), and it’s frustrating to leave a job undone when a good stopping point is in sight.

In the micro, when we get home from work we men tend to have rituals we like to complete before we’re ready to fully engage with our family. For example, I take off my shoes, change into comfy clothes, and wash my face and hands. I love to see my wife and kids when I walk in the door, but I’m not ready to settle in with them until I get a few things done. Even completing these minor tasks helps clear my brain and lets me switch into family mode.

In general, women decompress themselves by discussing their relationships, and men decompress themselves by checking off their to-do list.

Ultimately what we’re talking about here is context switching, and this decompression frees us up to go to the next thing. If you’ve been reading tips on the internet for enhancing the romance in your marriage, most of the tips you’ll find are techniques for assisting you and your spouse to switch into a sexy context. Foreplay is certainly a part of this, but it’s really one of the last steps. The first steps happen when you and your spouse decompress.

If you can identify the steps you have (unconsciously) taken to emotionally undress when you have had a mutually pleasing sexual encounter with your spouse, you can later recreate those steps to assist with a context switch in a more difficult circumstance. Don’t just examine the 10 minutes before you have sex, but consider all your interactions with your spouse over the past 24 hours. Look for the times that your spouse was definitely not in the mood for sex, and then think about what happened between then and your spouse’s orgasm. This whole process is the emotional undressing.

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Sexy Adult Halloween Ideas 6

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #014: A Few Sexy Halloween Games

If you’ve got kids then you know how you’re spending your Halloween: trick-or-treating! But after the kids are in bed you can still make some time to enjoy the holiday with your spouse. Maybe your wife (or husband!) has a sexy costume she can put on in private, or maybe you can play a spooky game together to get your blood flowing. Here are some ideas:

  • Scavenger hunt: Make a list of spooky shapes and then use water-soluble markers to draw them all over your bodies. Each person looks for the shapes on their spouse. Bonus points: both spouses scour each other at the same time, and whoever finds them all first wins!
  • Mummy wrap: The age-old childrens’ classic, except your spouse isn’t wearing anything underneath the toilet paper. Your spouse can wrap you, or you can wrap yourself up and your spouse can do the unwrapping. Bonus points: wrap or unwrap without using your hands.
  • Tell scary stories: Snuggle together under the sheets with a flashlight and tell some scary stories. You can take turns telling stories, or do it “popcorn”-style where each person talks for a minute or so and then the other takes over developing the same story. Bonus points: Do it naked, obviously!
  • Fortune teller: Nothing occult here, don’t worry. Put the pieces from your Sexy Adult Jenga game in a bag and draw them throughout the day to tell your spouse’s fortune: how he or she is going to get lucky later that night. Each person draw a piece once per hour — him at the top of the hour, and her on the halfs. If you’re not together, text the results to each other. Bonus points: follow the instructions when you draw the piece.
  • Role-playing: Halloween is a great time to do some role-playing, even if you don’t have the “right” costumes. Cop and robber? Haunted closet? Last day on earth? Bonus points: make it something spooky.

What do you and your spouse do to spice up your Halloween?

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How To Help Your Wife Orgasm 7

Jay Dee has conducted a survey about wives’ orgasm experiences and posted the results as a nifty infographic. After the infographic there are a bunch of tips from husbands and wives on how to help the wife to orgasm. Maybe Sexy Corte will share her perspective, but here are my tips:

  • Relax! Don’t pressure yourself or each other. Men tend to be very goal-oriented, and it can be frustrating to “fail” to give your wife an orgasm when you’re really trying your best. Usually men react in one of two ways: try even harder or give up. Well, some nights she just isn’t going to get there no matter what you do, and trying harder just ramps up the pressure on her. Sometimes the right answer is to give up for the night and just enjoy being intimate… but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her orgasms forever! If she isn’t going to get there tonight, make sure she gets lots of snuggles instead.
  • Communicate! Wives, you need to let your husband know what feels good to you. Most women can’t orgasm from intercourse alone, but penis-in-vagina is what feels good to a man. If you don’t tell him differently he’s going to assume that’s how you orgasm too. Be brave enough to ask him to use his mouth or fingers on you, and when it feels good let him know! Most husbands greatly desire to sexually please their wives, but we can’t read your minds. I’ve discovered that using words is one of the best ways to communicate! “Harder”, “Softer”, “Faster”, “Slower”, “Touch me here”, “More lube please”, “That feels amazing!”, etc.
  • Patience! Keep pursuing her orgasm, but do it low-key — it will happen when you both relax and let it happen. It takes a lot more energy and investment for a women to orgasm than for a man. If she’s tired, cranky, worried, sick, in pain, or distracted she may not want to put in the effort to have an orgasm. Husbands, you probably won’t be able to solve problems like those with a few minutes of foreplay. Wives, be patient with yourselves and your husbands. Your body is complicated! Don’t worry if it takes a while to figure it out. Enjoy your journey to the amusement park of orgasms!

man-woman_machine

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Wearing and Using a Vibrator in Public 8

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #010: How to Use a Wireless Vibrator in Public

A couple of months ago we reviewed the We Vibe II vibrator and we were disappointed with it overall — too bad we didn’t get a We Vibe 4! The newest version comes with an app that lets you control the vibrator with a mobile device. How fun would that be? Well, Amanda Chatel did it and helpfully writes about her experience wearing the We Vibe around town while running errands with her husband in control of the vibrator.

Once it was quite clear that my husband could control the vibrator when I was on the first floor of my apartment building (we live on the 5th), I ventured outside to do, of all things, errands. With my vibrator clipped in place and a tight pair of yoga pants for even more support, I went to get my dry-cleaning. Just as I reached in my wallet to pay for it, my husband, from back in our apartment, turned on the vibrator. I immediately went into panic mode. Could they hear the faint buzzing? Was my crotch visibly vibrating? Could they notice that I was blushing?

As a means to quell my own paranoia, I immediately brushed off the vibrating sound as my phone, which I’m sure they couldn’t even hear, but you know, neuroses is a cross I have to bear, and I feverishly dug through my bag pretending to look for it. It was all very flamboyant and dramatic of me, and completely unnecessary, but then my husband turned off the vibrator, and I managed to gain some composure.

I think this is really hot, but rather than being back home I’d want to be right by my wife’s side. We don’t have a We Vibe 4, but we do have a short-range remote controlled vibrator that we could play with. It isn’t a regular part of our arsenal, so I’ll have to dust it off and make sure it works before our next date night.

Unfortunately for the We Vibe, it looks like Mrs. Chatel’s experience was similar to my wife’s:

As much as I enjoyed the wandering around doing my errands to keep things spicy and surprising, I knew the best place for me to really enjoy it would be if I went to a bar, sat down, and got a drink. I knew sitting, without the concern of the vibrator somehow wiggling it’s way out of my yoga pants, would allow for much more relaxing enjoyment … and it did. Oh, how it did. It wasn’t quite orgasm great, because I don’t think I could relax enough to climax in a public place, but it definitely felt good, and with my husband at the controls, the surprise factor was one of the best parts.

The vibration just isn’t strong enough to get her to climax. Perhaps Mrs. Chatel will give us some suggestions for using the toy more effectively in the future?

Update: Read about our experience using a secret vibrator in public.

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Having Great Sex in Marriage 9

XXX Church has a post with some tips for great sex in your marriage (thanks for the pointer, SC). There’s definitely no shortage of tips on the internet, but here are my top two from this post:

#1 Twice a week.

#5 NO More Excuses.

For #1, I think twice a week is pretty modest. I guess if you’re at twice a month then quadrupling that would seem like a bonanza (or a hassle), but really, this is a very low bar. Sexy Corte and I have young kids, jobs, hobbies, etc., and we do it 8-10 times a week. If that sounds crazy to you, then one of both of these is true:

  1. You don’t want to have sex that much
  2. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex that much

If it’s both of you, then great. I’d still recommend having sex twice a week, but whatever. If you both want to miss out then that’s up to you.

If your spouse wants it and you don’t, then you need to check yourself before you wreck your marriage. Introspect. Maybe your spouse can “improve” something to increase your libido, but honestly, your lack of desire is primarily your problem to fix. So get on it. This is #5 above: no more excuses.

If you’re desperate for sex and your spouse isn’t interested, then maybe there are some things you can do to help the situation. Here are some basics:

  1. Hygiene. Seriously, are you clean? Are your sexy bits clean? Do you shower, or stink? How’s your breath? This is pretty basic, but it’s worth mentioning.
  2. Grooming. Do you make an effort to be attractive? Do you shave your face or legs (or balls)? Do you put on something sexy? Or do you expect your spouse to swoon for a slob?
  3. Attitude. Is your attitude crappy? Do you complain a lot or pick fights over stupid stuff? Are you grateful for your spouse, or bitter? Are you helpful and understanding, or dismissive and impatient? Are you like Christ?
  4. Enthusiasm. When you initiate sex are you demanding, resentful, whiny, desperate… or enthusiastic? Everyone loves to have fun, so be excited! “Want to try something crazy?” “Look what I just read on Married Christian Sex!” “I can’t wait till we’re alone together later….” Be flirty and fun. Build up anticipation.
  5. Pray! Yes, God cares about your sex life, and He wants it to be awesome. If it isn’t all you want it to be, then pray about it. Confess your sins, look inside yourself and change what needs to change. Pray that God would be at work in your spouse too. Pray that God would give you a great sex life, and that your spouse will want it as much as you. God works through prayer.

I’ve still got to write my post about enthusiasm….

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KY Warming Liquid Review 10

Sexy Corte was digging through the toy drawer last night and found some KY Warming Liquid that she put on my night stand. We hadn’t used it for a couple of years, and the brisk fall weather this afternoon encouraged us to give it another shot. I applied it to her ladybits during foreplay and rubbed her good while she used her mouth on me, and a great time was had by all. However, the warming liquid was underwhelming.

First off, does it “warm”? Well, it warmed my hand up a little, but Sexy Corte said that she couldn’t really feel any warming on her… surprising, right? Her lips should be more sensitive than my fingers. Even after penetration it didn’t seem to do anything for her warmth-wise.

Second, it’s pretty thin as a lubricant. While I was fingering her the warming liquid was certainly better than nothing, but it wasn’t as slick as a water-based lube and I had to apply more several times. It’s not like we needed a heavy duty lube, but because of the larger quantity it was messier than lube and less effective.

It’s probably going back in the drawer for a couple more years.

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