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If you’re a man or married to one you’ll probably benefit from this episode of Andrew Huberman’s podcast about Male Sexual Health. Huberman has Dr. Michael Eisenberg as a guest and they discuss the two primary dimensions of male sexual health: fertility and potency. The episode has lots of great… uh, tips… and ideas for what to discuss with your doctor and how to understand the meaning of various tests and procedures.

If you’re a husband, you have a responsibility to take care of your sexual health, both for your own benefit and for the benefit of your wife.. There are a few negative stereotypes that sometimes work against husbands:

  • Men shouldn’t go to the doctor unless it’s an emergency
  • Erectile dysfunction is shameful and shouldn’t be discussed
  • A decline in male sexual health is an inevitable consequence of aging
  • Fertility is primarily a female problem

It’s important for us husbands to overcome these stereotypes so that we can talk with our wives and doctors about our health and then take action to protect and improve our sexual health. The Bible is clear that a husband has a responsibility to satisfy his wife’s conjugal rights:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5

2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Husbands: we’ve got a job to do, and we have to keep our tools primed and ready!

(Note: We wrote in 2014 that the term “conjugal rights” includes a lot more than only sex, so go read that post for a deeper understanding.)

Podcast Notes has a good summary of the male sexual health episode; here are their key takeaways:

  • Obesity is a risk factor for lowering testosterone and sperm quality
    • Fat aromatizes testosterone into estrogen
  • Testosterone and sperm quality are barometers of health in men
  • Taking exogenous testosterone without medical need can dramatically reduce endogenous testosterone and sperm count & quality
  • Semen quality doesn’t just relate to fertility – it’s an excellent marker for overall men’s health
    • Men with higher semen tend to live longer, go to the doctor less, and have lower rates of cancer
  • Less than 10% of erectile dysfunction is due to a hormonal issue (e.g., low testosterone); most are related to restricted blood flow and could be a foreshadowing of cardiovascular health
    • The first path of treatment (if all else is healthy, not obese, not smoking, etc.) is oral therapy like Viagra or Cialis
  • Don’t assume sperm is healthy just because you ejaculate – about 50% of men have low semen quality
  • To improve sperm quality: avoid heat (sauna, hot tub), don’t smoke, use alcohol in moderation (or avoid it altogether), avoid drugs (especially benzodiazepines and opioids), use marijuana minimally, stay active and at a healthy weight

If reading this post has made you discouraged, don’t be! We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to work towards the best possible version of ourselves. Each of us can take small steps towards improved sexual health, and over time we can maintain and increase our well-being.

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Here’s another batch of emails we’ve received from our readers recently. If you’ve got a question for us, use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send them over!

Wife “IE” writes:

We’ve been having oral sex for the past few years, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation that I realized just how much my husband loves it! All that to say, we’ve been doing a lot more oral lately!

When doing oral on your husband do you use any other lubricant besides your saliva? Sometimes I find it hard to summon up enough saliva to get the right amount of friction. I know they have different products out there, but I’m curious what other people actually do.

Glad you are having fun with oral! I haven’t tried any other products except my own saliva. Once in a while if I have had a cold, I might have a cough drop tucked into the side of my cheek, and that produces extra saliva. You could also try having a glass of water near by to keep your mouth wet. If you find any products out there that you like, let us know! (See also: Numbing Sprays and Lube: Are They Safe?)

To which “IE” replied:

I recently tried using coconut oil which paired nicely with a massage. Contemplating taking the dive and trying a flavored lube…

Husband “NS” writes:

My wife enjoys sex with the hotel window blinds open, at times with a couch or so in front of window, normally in a city and on floor that’s pretty high up. Same with in a vehicle, with light risk of being seen. At what point do you think this is too risky? When should I attempt to reign her back?

We get a lot of emails from husbands that would love to be in your position! Those instances sound a little risky, but I don’t think they are dangerous. It sounds like you are being pushed out of your comfort zone though, which is not always a bad thing. I think there is a line that you don’t want to cross, and if you are imposing yourself on others I think you have hit that line. If nobody is actually seeing you and there is a little risk of being caught, that can be very exciting. (See also: the “public places” tag.)

Wife “RE” writes:

My husband and I have not had sex in over two or three months. There have been times when I have been available for him to jump in and have sex but he makes excuses and it ruins the mood for me.

For example, one day I was in the shower and sent a steamy naked picture to him saying to join me. I had my leg hiked up on the tub ledge and the shower curtain open to expose my naked body with the water running over me. When he finally came in he made a joke about the show I was watching (Outlander… which has a lot of sex in it). I roll my eyes and he just stands there. I say, well I don’t have my leg up here for the fun of it. He replies, oh, well my hands aren’t clean. I am glad he is worried about his hands but I asked him to join me in the shower where he could easily wash his hands or even wash his hands at the sink he was standing at. The excuse just kills my libido.

I asked about his excuses one night and he says he does want to have sex with me. Even since then we still have not had sex. Months before this I was trying to work out a sex schedule but he never helped with the building of it. Especially on the day of, it was like the last thing on his mind. I know he has stress at work sometimes, but nothing he has to bring home. I don’t think it’s his job distracting him, but I don’t know what else it could be. What advice can you give?

It sounds like you have asked him if he wants to have sex with you, but have you tried having a direct conversation? You could prep him in advance so he has time to think things over. “I really want our sex life to be great, and I would like to talk to you about the current status and how to improve it. Can we have a conversation tonight?” Set a specific time with a specific goal. Ask him about his sexual satisfaction, and what his ideal sex life would look like. Share with him what your needs are and what you want your sex life to look like. Direct communication is the most helpful in identifying problems and setting a course towards improving those problems. It sounds like you are trying, and I’m sure it is discouraging. I hope this helps. I prayed for you now! (See also: How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

Wife “DE” writes:

My husband has a hard time staying erect unless he is the one doing the work… so if I get on top he often goes soft pretty quickly. It was fine for a while but I’m getting tired of the same missionary / doggy style all the time, and after having children I find it’s harder for me to climax. I used to not require much, but I’m really needing more clit stimulation, or at least for him to last longer. I’ve sent him some articles from this site, which worked only for the sex we had that night (I suggested him giving me oral). I have also introduced the idea of a cock ring but he is too nervous to try (I actually bought one, which he still hasn’t tried, and mentioned getting stretchy ones but he is still resistant.) I can’t sit up straight when I get on top of him because he says it hurts his penis to bend backward more than 90 degrees. He also has to stimulate himself to get erect.

I guess my question is, is this normal (he seems to think so)? What else can I do to help keep him hard when I’m on top? Is it possible he has ED? (I haven’t said this to him as I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’ve thought it multiple times.) My confidence had taken a huge hit since I actually love to be on top but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it (obviously since he starts going soft). I do feel like I’m the only one who is dissatisfied with our current situation, but he’s gotten so used to the short 10 minute (or less) sex sessions without having to stimulate my clit so I feel kind of bad asking for more. I do have a vibrator but I don’t know how to introduce it into the bedroom. Any thoughts or advice you have would be appreciated.

I think communication could help you both a lot. Sex can be hard to talk about but it’s important, and it’s ok to be direct in a loving way.

As for him not being able to keep an erection when you are on top, this does seem worth talking to his doctor about. I know that will be a hard topic to bring up, but if it helps him then it will be worth it even if he gets upset at first. For him having to stimulate himself to get erect, try asking him how you can be a part of that. Say something like, “If you tell me what would make you hard, I’ll try doing it.” The more that sex is focused on your spouse the more you learn about each other, which makes sex even better.

For your orgasm, communicate with him so that he is part of finding the solution. You could tell him that it is harder for you to climax after having kids, but would really like to have more orgasms on a consistent basis, and ask if he has any ideas to make that happen. Just like you are willing to do what it takes to get him hard, he will (should) be willing to do what it takes to give you the orgasms you want. You say that he seems satisfied with the current situation, so it may not be clear or obvious to him that you are not satisfied.

Husband “NE” writes:

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we got married as virgins. I love my wife’s body and love sex a lot (always on my mind), but she doesn’t. She hates sex. She initially liked oral but later hated it also. We don’t even kiss. Currently we haven’t had sex in 4 months. She explains that she doesn’t know why she isn’t attracted to sex.

The few times we had sex it was mind blowing and she was actually very wet, but now she says penis-in-vagina sex is very uncomfortable for her.

I have two major questions.

1. How can I make her long for sex with me?

2. I can no longer attain a full erection. My penis doesn’t stand 100% erect, only about 70%. I am worried that if I ever initiate sex it might not be rigid enough for penetration.

My first thought is: has your wife ever had an orgasm? This question is not a reflection on your skill or her body. It’s very common for women to be unable have an orgasm during sex. Only around 30% of women can orgasm from penetration during sex, which means that most women can’t! I would start there. If your wife has had an orgasm, focus on helping her to have more. If she hasn’t, focus on helping her have her first one.

Sex can be uncomfortable for women if they are not aroused. You could start with just using your mouth or hands (and plenty of lube), and play around her clit area for as long as it takes. It can take as long as 45 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm. You can introduce a vibrator to this area as well. Don’t put pressure on having sex, just focus on her arousal and orgasm. Getting into a habit of having regular orgasms increases your desire for sex. If she is in pain even when aroused, it may be something that she needs to talk to her doctor about.

Make sure you communicate. These conversations can be uncomfortable but the more you talk about your sex life the easier it gets. Tell your wife that you want more intimacy, you want to have an amazing sex life, and want to figure out how it can be awesome for her too. Ask if you can spend some time focusing on just her. Ask her if she is open to improving your sex life Pray together about your sex life.

As a final note: we always pray for everyone who contacts us. God wants you and your spouse to have an awesome sex life!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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If you begin and end oral sex on your husband with him as hard as a rock, you’re both missing out — oral sex on a relaxed penis is an opportunity for intense pleasure and intimacy! But there’s one obvious problem, right? When a soft penis is stimulated it doesn’t stay relaxed for very long. You’ve got two options.

First, you can surprise your husband and take his penis into your mouth before he has a chance to get hard. Skip the kissing, hugging, rubbing, and whispering that might normally precede oral sex and jump straight on it before he knows what’s happening. I guarantee your husband will not object. This is a great way to kick things off, but you’ll probably only get to enjoy his soft penis for about 30 seconds, so…

The second option is to go down on your husband after he’s had an orgasm. When you’re done with sex and you’ve both climaxed, your husband is likely to be exhausted and you’ll have a longer opportunity to admire, delight, and nurture his relaxed penis. You don’t have to work hard at it, because you’re not trying to bring him to orgasm. During his refractory period your husband may start to become erect again without being ready to have another orgasm — if you continue to stimulate him slowly and gently the semi-erection may pass (and he might just fall asleep). The sensation for him will be powerfully intimate and refreshing — what a way to bless your husband with love and acceptance!

Why should you go down on your husband when he’s soft? There are a ton of benefits:

  • Intensity. When your husband’s penis is erect its nerves are spread out over a larger area, which dilutes the intensity of oral stimulation over a larger surface area. When his penis is soft its nerves are more tightly packed and stimulation will feel much more intense.
  • Take it all in. You may not be able to fit your husband’s entire erect penis in your mouth without deep-throating, but when its soft you can take it all much more easily. He will enjoy the sensation of your mouth covering his whole penis.
  • Feel it grow. Your husband will love the feeling as he gets hard inside your mouth, whether he’s had an orgasm already or not.
  • Intimacy. Men are often very goal-oriented with sex, always aiming for an orgasm. It can be difficult for a husband to appreciate and revel in the intimacy of sex apart from the orgasm, because after his penis gets soft it is banished from the area. It doesn’t have to be this way! Extend intimacy beyond your orgasms.
  • Relaxation. When you’ve already accomplished your goal, you can both relax and take things slow — let your minds wander while you play with each other and luxuriate in the sea of pleasure.
  • More sex. Eventually he’ll get hard again, so have more sex! After that his penis will really be down for the count. Probably.

So wives, what do you think about performing oral sex on your husband while he’s soft, before or after sex? Husbands, do you (or would you) enjoy it? How would it make you feel? Leave a comment below!

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Spring is in the air!

How did we miss Lips Appreciation Day?

The clitoris is not a doorbell — For best results, I suggest touching everything else first, and only moving to the clitoris when she begs you to.

Admiring his manhood — Yes, men can have body issues, and yes, it’s pretty hot when our wives admire our manly bits.

How to Have “Vacation Sex” – Even When You’re Not on Vacation — Be prepared!

Sexual intimacy and grief — Intimacy with your spouse can be a powerful source of comfort and healing, when the grieving spouse is ready to receive it.

“Wives either feel loved or used” — “If they feel loved they can be okay with being valued for sex BUT if they don’t feel loved, they see it as being valued only for sex.”

What I Truly Believe About Men — a valuable mention of love languages, plus insight into how women view men. I guess we’re as confusing as they are.

Three oral sex techniques: Tip Top, Gummer, and Lip Gloss.

Sleeping naked will do wonders for your marriage — Wives, if you get too cold just buy a pair of thigh-high socks. That still counts as naked in my book.

We often don’t have time to link to every great thing that Jay Dee writes:

How can a lady feel turned on around her husband? — Plus tips for how to get in the mood in a hurry.

10 ways to signal “yes” to your husband — Don’t forget secret message panties and coins in a bowl. Or, you know, just use words.

Enjoy some time outside in the sun with your spouse!

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