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El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
  • We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
  • Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
  • It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
  • When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
  • It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
  • Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
  • Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
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Staying disciplined with our kids’ bedtimes has been one of the best habits that Sexy Corte and I have cultivated during our marriage. We’ve written two posts about protecting your master bedroom from your children and making it a haven for your sexual relationship, and it’s just as important to protect your time as your space.

When you have young children it’s easy for them to dominate every waking second of your life, but your sex life is going to suffer if you let that happen. Maintaining a consistent bedtime for your kids is important for their mental and physical health, your sanity, and your sex life. If your kids wake up and go to sleep when you do, it’s no surprise you don’t have time and energy for sex.

Children need structure and consistency, and they need a lot of sleep.

Among the children who were in bed by 8 p.m., 10 percent were obese as teens, compared to 16 percent of those who went to bed between 8 and 9 and 23 percent of those who went to bed after 9, according to the study, published in The Journal of Pediatrics.

Although the study does not prove that early bedtimes protect against obesity, Dr. Anderson said, “there is a great deal of evidence linking poor sleep, and particularly short sleep duration, to obesity, and it’s possible the timing of sleep may be important, above and beyond the duration of sleep.”

“This provides more evidence that having an early regular bedtime and bedtime routine for young children is helpful,” she said.

We try to have our younger kids in bed by seven every evening, and the older ones in bed by eight. They’re not always asleep by then, but they’re in bed and quiet. We stick to this schedule about six days a week, and the other day we’re likely to have some church or social event that keeps us out a later. Our kids are like all other kids: they stall, delay, and beg to stay up later, but they know the routine and are generally compliant.

This schedule gives me and Sexy Corte at least two hours together almost every evening. It’s very easy to have a babysitter watch the sleeping children while we go on a date (which we try to do monthly) but most of the time we spend the evening playing board games together — and having sex! Sexy Corte’s best time of day for orgasm has moved around over the years, and now the golden hour is right after we get the kids to bed. As you can imagine, I’m pretty motivated to tuck them in!

As our kids get older I’m sure they’ll stay up later, but we still plan to enforce a quiet time in the evening starting around eight. We’ll see how that goes!

We’re frequently shocked to learn that many of our friends have their kids in activities several nights per week, let them stay up until ten, or even let them sleep in the master bedroom. I don’t see how such parents ever find time for themselves. If you’re in this position and you can’t imagine how to change things around, check out our post about creating the habit of daily sex — it contains a bunch of good tips for creating good habits in your life and marriage.

Do you have any good ideas for protecting your time, space, and energy for sex?

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We hope your summer is hot and sweaty — under the sheets!

What buttons would you each like? — Brilliant thought experiment.

How would you like a magic button? When you push the button, your husband immediately does what the button says. Not only does he do it, he does it without complaint or acting upset. Now turn it around; what magic button would your husband like? What does he want more of from/with you? If I asked him the top five buttons he would like, how many of them would you guess correctly?

The Duchy has rope bondage tutorials with no nudity or sexual content. If you haven’t yet, check out our post about shibari.

Have you ever been injured during sex? — I’ll be honest: I skipped the post to get straight to the war stories in the comments.

Everybody wants to know about anal sex — Sure, but we get more questions about oral sex.

Pompoir: The Art of Milking the Lingam

Pompoir is the art of “milking” the lingam of your partner with your yoni. (Lingam and yoni are Sanskrit for penis and vagina.)

Create a sex encounter schedule — Also see this 2+2 habit. Helpful communication tools, but less ambitious than than daily sex.

Can I get a hand?

Tease him till he begs — In private, or in public.

… and even more bloggers! — I haven’t read them all yet.

Post some more great links in the comments, have have a hot summer!

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A little while ago El Fury did a post on How to Help Your Wife Orgasm. I think he made all great points, but there is one thing I would add. Time of day. This can also link back to communication, but I think it’s important to mention. Time of day has become a big factor for me with when I orgasm, especially with whatever season of life we are in. When El Fury and I were first married and had fewer commitments, this was much less of an issue. Anytime was pretty much the best time.

This changed significantly when kids got thrown in the mix. We still kept our sexy time routine, but since it takes much longer for me to orgasm, it especially impacted my schedule. It’s hard to be almost there and be able to finish when a baby cry starts blaring through a monitor! If something like that starts happening regularly, it can become pretty sexually frustrating. When you have a big adjustment like kids, career, etc. in life it’s important to also adjust your sex routine to make sure both spouses are getting the amount of sexual satisfaction they want.

Here are some different ways that we have adjusted our schedules to allow enough time for me to orgasm.

1. Set an alarm for snuggling and/or sex in the morning. If you are too sleepy, even just having that extra time to snuggle in the morning is a great way to start the day.

2. If you have kids that nap, get in the bedroom as soon as they go to sleep. As they start getting older, you can try to enforce “quiet time” so you can still get some time alone.

3. Set bedtime schedules and stick to them. Your marriage needs time alone and if you are anything like us, this time is best the few hours we have together after the kids go to bed. We fiercely guard bedtimes.

4. Have sex first. Right now in our season of life, I have the most energy right after the kids go to bed. This is when I have majority of my orgasms. I love it when we have sex, then go play a board game or watch TV. If we wait to have sex until we are both ready for bed and about to fall asleep, I am usually wiped from the day and not as much in the mood to orgasm.

As our kids get older and bedtimes change we have had to make periodic adjustments. Pay attention and figure out when you have the most energy in the day and are feeling the most sexy. Then communicate that with your spouse and make it a goal to have sex at that time. Your husband wants to give you an orgasm so help him figure out when is the best time to do that.

 

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