Sex Q&A: Oral Lube, Outside Sex, and Staying Hard 1

Here’s another batch of emails we’ve received from our readers recently. If you’ve got a question for us, use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send them over!

Wife “IE” writes:

We’ve been having oral sex for the past few years, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation that I realized just how much my husband loves it! All that to say, we’ve been doing a lot more oral lately!

When doing oral on your husband do you use any other lubricant besides your saliva? Sometimes I find it hard to summon up enough saliva to get the right amount of friction. I know they have different products out there, but I’m curious what other people actually do.

Glad you are having fun with oral! I haven’t tried any other products except my own saliva. Once in a while if I have had a cold, I might have a cough drop tucked into the side of my cheek, and that produces extra saliva. You could also try having a glass of water near by to keep your mouth wet. If you find any products out there that you like, let us know! (See also: Numbing Sprays and Lube: Are They Safe?)

To which “IE” replied:

I recently tried using coconut oil which paired nicely with a massage. Contemplating taking the dive and trying a flavored lube…

Husband “NS” writes:

My wife enjoys sex with the hotel window blinds open, at times with a couch or so in front of window, normally in a city and on floor that’s pretty high up. Same with in a vehicle, with light risk of being seen. At what point do you think this is too risky? When should I attempt to reign her back?

We get a lot of emails from husbands that would love to be in your position! Those instances sound a little risky, but I don’t think they are dangerous. It sounds like you are being pushed out of your comfort zone though, which is not always a bad thing. I think there is a line that you don’t want to cross, and if you are imposing yourself on others I think you have hit that line. If nobody is actually seeing you and there is a little risk of being caught, that can be very exciting. (See also: the “public places” tag.)

Wife “RE” writes:

My husband and I have not had sex in over two or three months. There have been times when I have been available for him to jump in and have sex but he makes excuses and it ruins the mood for me.

For example, one day I was in the shower and sent a steamy naked picture to him saying to join me. I had my leg hiked up on the tub ledge and the shower curtain open to expose my naked body with the water running over me. When he finally came in he made a joke about the show I was watching (Outlander… which has a lot of sex in it). I roll my eyes and he just stands there. I say, well I don’t have my leg up here for the fun of it. He replies, oh, well my hands aren’t clean. I am glad he is worried about his hands but I asked him to join me in the shower where he could easily wash his hands or even wash his hands at the sink he was standing at. The excuse just kills my libido.

I asked about his excuses one night and he says he does want to have sex with me. Even since then we still have not had sex. Months before this I was trying to work out a sex schedule but he never helped with the building of it. Especially on the day of, it was like the last thing on his mind. I know he has stress at work sometimes, but nothing he has to bring home. I don’t think it’s his job distracting him, but I don’t know what else it could be. What advice can you give?

It sounds like you have asked him if he wants to have sex with you, but have you tried having a direct conversation? You could prep him in advance so he has time to think things over. “I really want our sex life to be great, and I would like to talk to you about the current status and how to improve it. Can we have a conversation tonight?” Set a specific time with a specific goal. Ask him about his sexual satisfaction, and what his ideal sex life would look like. Share with him what your needs are and what you want your sex life to look like. Direct communication is the most helpful in identifying problems and setting a course towards improving those problems. It sounds like you are trying, and I’m sure it is discouraging. I hope this helps. I prayed for you now! (See also: How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

Wife “DE” writes:

My husband has a hard time staying erect unless he is the one doing the work… so if I get on top he often goes soft pretty quickly. It was fine for a while but I’m getting tired of the same missionary / doggy style all the time, and after having children I find it’s harder for me to climax. I used to not require much, but I’m really needing more clit stimulation, or at least for him to last longer. I’ve sent him some articles from this site, which worked only for the sex we had that night (I suggested him giving me oral). I have also introduced the idea of a cock ring but he is too nervous to try (I actually bought one, which he still hasn’t tried, and mentioned getting stretchy ones but he is still resistant.) I can’t sit up straight when I get on top of him because he says it hurts his penis to bend backward more than 90 degrees. He also has to stimulate himself to get erect.

I guess my question is, is this normal (he seems to think so)? What else can I do to help keep him hard when I’m on top? Is it possible he has ED? (I haven’t said this to him as I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’ve thought it multiple times.) My confidence had taken a huge hit since I actually love to be on top but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it (obviously since he starts going soft). I do feel like I’m the only one who is dissatisfied with our current situation, but he’s gotten so used to the short 10 minute (or less) sex sessions without having to stimulate my clit so I feel kind of bad asking for more. I do have a vibrator but I don’t know how to introduce it into the bedroom. Any thoughts or advice you have would be appreciated.

I think communication could help you both a lot. Sex can be hard to talk about but it’s important, and it’s ok to be direct in a loving way.

As for him not being able to keep an erection when you are on top, this does seem worth talking to his doctor about. I know that will be a hard topic to bring up, but if it helps him then it will be worth it even if he gets upset at first. For him having to stimulate himself to get erect, try asking him how you can be a part of that. Say something like, “If you tell me what would make you hard, I’ll try doing it.” The more that sex is focused on your spouse the more you learn about each other, which makes sex even better.

For your orgasm, communicate with him so that he is part of finding the solution. You could tell him that it is harder for you to climax after having kids, but would really like to have more orgasms on a consistent basis, and ask if he has any ideas to make that happen. Just like you are willing to do what it takes to get him hard, he will (should) be willing to do what it takes to give you the orgasms you want. You say that he seems satisfied with the current situation, so it may not be clear or obvious to him that you are not satisfied.

Husband “NE” writes:

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we got married as virgins. I love my wife’s body and love sex a lot (always on my mind), but she doesn’t. She hates sex. She initially liked oral but later hated it also. We don’t even kiss. Currently we haven’t had sex in 4 months. She explains that she doesn’t know why she isn’t attracted to sex.

The few times we had sex it was mind blowing and she was actually very wet, but now she says penis-in-vagina sex is very uncomfortable for her.

I have two major questions.

1. How can I make her long for sex with me?

2. I can no longer attain a full erection. My penis doesn’t stand 100% erect, only about 70%. I am worried that if I ever initiate sex it might not be rigid enough for penetration.

My first thought is: has your wife ever had an orgasm? This question is not a reflection on your skill or her body. It’s very common for women to be unable have an orgasm during sex. Only around 30% of women can orgasm from penetration during sex, which means that most women can’t! I would start there. If your wife has had an orgasm, focus on helping her to have more. If she hasn’t, focus on helping her have her first one.

Sex can be uncomfortable for women if they are not aroused. You could start with just using your mouth or hands (and plenty of lube), and play around her clit area for as long as it takes. It can take as long as 45 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm. You can introduce a vibrator to this area as well. Don’t put pressure on having sex, just focus on her arousal and orgasm. Getting into a habit of having regular orgasms increases your desire for sex. If she is in pain even when aroused, it may be something that she needs to talk to her doctor about.

Make sure you communicate. These conversations can be uncomfortable but the more you talk about your sex life the easier it gets. Tell your wife that you want more intimacy, you want to have an amazing sex life, and want to figure out how it can be awesome for her too. Ask if you can spend some time focusing on just her. Ask her if she is open to improving your sex life Pray together about your sex life.

As a final note: we always pray for everyone who contacts us. God wants you and your spouse to have an awesome sex life!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 2

We haven’t done a link round-up since Christmas! Time flies.

Awaken Love has several great posts we want to link to.

What Will It Take to Make Sex Happen? — Maybe the wife could rev up her indicators of interest or the husband could make himself more lustable.

It’s Okay You Have to Learn How to Have Great Sex — Great sex takes communication, practice, and effort from both spouses.

56 Sexy Truth or Dare Bedroom Game — I’m going to steal a few of these when I get around to updating our Random Sexual Truth-Or-Dare page.

Crossed Manual Stimulation Technique — Here’s a fingering technique we haven’t seen before: the husband crosses his fingers and twists them inside the wife.

How to Give Your Husband a Blowjob — Father’s Day has passed, but I’m sure he won’t object.

“What if we had sex for 60 days in a row?” — Intimacy will increase in all areas of your marriage, and you’ll get a lot better at sex.

Shannon Ethridge links to a TED talk: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm by Mary Roach.

Is it ok for a wife to tie up her husband and dominate him during sex? — Yes. Sex play is play. As long as both spouses are consenting then there’s nothing wrong with tying each other up or role-playing with power dynamics.

Perifit: The Video Game That Helps Your Pelvic Floor! — Kegel exercise video game. “Squeeze to turn!”

Need more links?! Check out 30 more Christian sex links from The Forgiven Wife. Need more sex Q&A? Jay Dee has you covered.

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