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Wife “NN” writes:

I had a very uncomfortable situation recently. My husband and I went for a weekend away with our really good friends, and we decided to save some money by sharing a hotel room. We made a rule: no sex while both couples are in the room. We agreed we would give each other time alone during the trip. Anyway, the first night we go out and we all get pretty drunk, especially my husband. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night and I could hear our friends whispering. I peeked out from under my covers and could not believe my eyes. They were clearly having sex.

At this point, my husband was completely passed out and I pretended to be sleeping. My girlfriend was trying to be quiet but I could clearly hear her moaning. I must have dozed off again, and when I opened my eyes my girlfriend was facing me and her husband was spooning her. What was worse was the blanket was off and her legs were open and I could see everything, including his penis going in and out of her vagina. I had no idea what to do so I pretended to sleep, and this continued for a hour or more. In the morning my husband was oblivious to what I witnessed, and he went to the gym. I went to the bathroom and when I came out my girlfriend was standing completely naked in front of me and hugged me. I am so embarrassed. I want to tell my husband but he will just laugh. Along with all this embarrassment, I really got turned on by watching them and I’m not sure what to do. Help?

This does sound like an awkward situation. I think it’s ok to talk to both your friend and your husband about it. It’s good to have boundaries, and it sounds like your friends crossed yours. You don’t have to dwell on what happened, but acknowledging it can clear the air and then you can move on in your relationship. If it’s still bothering you after some times has passed, talking about it with your husband and laughing together might help you move on.

As for being aroused, I don’t think you need to feel bad about it. Your body responded to what it was seeing. If your mind is dwelling on it, try to turn your thoughts towards your husband and your sex life with him. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can use every experience in life for God’s glory.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

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Did you know that the world’s top ten websites attract more than 60% of all internet traffic, and that the share of readers captured by the top 1,000 sites is growing every month while other websites shrink?

I mention these oh-so-exciting statistics because it really means a lot to us when our readers share our site with their friends. We don’t run ads to attract new readers, and we don’t have ads here on our site. We link to lots of other blogs but we get very few links in return (please tell us if you link to us!). We don’t sell anything or partner with affiliates; we don’t want your money. We don’t want fame or recognition, which is why we’re pseudonymous.

Our only purpose with this blog is to glorify God by edifying marriage and encouraging married couples to have awesome sex. Sexy Corte and I view this website as one of our primary ministries. By God’s grace we’ve reached way over 4 million people — thousands per day — and we’ve personally helped many hundreds of readers.

The only way we can reach new people is for you to share our site. Search engines send people looking for advice on sex and marriage to the same ten or hundred places every time, and they aren’t Christian resources.

We understand that sharing a sex site with your friends might be awkward! Here are a few links you can share that aren’t as explicit as most of our site.

Thanks for reading this far! We hope our blog and podcast are a blessing to your marriage.

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Just a quick note to say thank you to all our readers, and especially to those who are kind enough to link back to us and share our blog with their friends. Sexy Corte and I have been writing here for over a year-and-a-half now, and we’re having a blast. Last month we hit a milestone — over 1,000 visitors per day! That’s pretty astounding. We’re grateful and excited that you’ve decided to read our blog, and we pray that our musings are edifying to your marriage.

We realize that many of our readers are reluctant to share sexually-themed links with their friends, but we’re going to ask anyway! If you enjoy our blog, please use the sharing tools at the bottom of each post to share with your friends. You can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, or subscribe to new posts using the button on the left sidebar. We never share your email address with anyone, and we never send any kind of spam.

If you have a blog, please consider adding us to your link list. If you do add us, be sure to let us know so that we can link back to you!

We don’t make any money from this site, but we enjoy it when people read what we write. So if you like what you’ve seen, please pass it on!

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(Click here to read the whole Sex in Song of Solomon series.)

Song of Solomon, Chapter 5.

Chapter 4 was all about the Lover’s admiration, love, infatuation, and joy for his Beloved; he compares her to a secret garden, and in the final verse of the chapter she beckons him to enter:

Let my beloved come to his garden,
    and eat its choicest fruits.

Chapter 5 begins with the Lover’s entrance and exhortation by the Chorus. The Lover enters his garden and enjoys its fruits.

I came to my garden, my sister, my bride,
    I gathered my myrrh with my spice,
    I ate my honeycomb with my honey,
    I drank my wine with my milk.

Others

Eat, friends, drink,
    and be drunk with love!

The chapter then continues with the Beloved’s description of her heartache when her Lover is absent. Perhaps she is dreaming, or fantasizing about his return. She plays coy and worries about her modesty, but eventually hurries to greet her Lover before he can admit himself.

I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
“Open to me, my sister, my love,
    my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
    my locks with the drops of the night.”
I had put off my garment;
    how could I put it on?
I had bathed my feet;
    how could I soil them?
My beloved put his hand to the latch,
    and my heart was thrilled within me.
I arose to open to my beloved,
    and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
    on the handles of the bolt.
I opened to my beloved,
    but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
    I called him, but he gave no answer.

The imagery is evocative: both the Lover and the Beloved are wet, and the Beloved’s fingers drip with fragrant perfume from her fantasies of longing for her Lover. Perhaps her dream ends here and the next portion is a metaphor for her longing, or perhaps the dream continues into nightmare and despair.

The watchmen found me
    as they went about in the city;
they beat me, they bruised me,
    they took away my veil,
    those watchmen of the walls.
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
    if you find my beloved,
that you tell him
    I am sick with love.

However it is interpreted, the Beloved is sick with grief at the absence of her husband and Lover. The Chorus asks her, what’s so special about him?

Others

What is your beloved more than another beloved,
    O most beautiful among women?
What is your beloved more than another beloved,
    that you thus adjure us?

The Beloved goes on to describe her absent Lover in intimate detail.

My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
    distinguished among ten thousand.
His head is the finest gold;
    his locks are wavy,
    black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
    beside streams of water,
bathed in milk,
    sitting beside a full pool.
His cheeks are like beds of spices,
    mounds of sweet-smelling herbs.
His lips are lilies,
    dripping liquid myrrh.

His head, his hair, his eyes, his cheeks, and again myrrh dripping from his lips.

His arms are rods of gold,
    set with jewels.
His body is polished ivory,
    bedecked with sapphires.
His legs are alabaster columns,
    set on bases of gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
    choice as the cedars.
His mouth is most sweet,
    and he is altogether desirable.

Apparently the Lover lifts. And finally, ultimately, why is the Lover so precious to his Beloved?

This is my beloved and this is my friend,
    O daughters of Jerusalem.

Not only are they lovers, husband and wife, but friends. How sweet is that?

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Ah, spring is in the air!

Why does my husband want to watch me masturbate?

If at first you don’t succeed… ask for sex again. Why? Sex leads to more sex. As we’ve written here before: great sex comes from frequent sex.

Five ways to pray for your husband.

The sexiest thing you can do for your husband — hint: it’s enthusiasm.

The value of friends. Friends that build up your marriage are a treasure.

Bring sex out of the church closet and four lies about sex the church struggles to talk about.

For the dancing and the dreaming — ok, so I mostly linked this because of the corset.

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We realize that many of our readers are reluctant to share sexually-themed links with their friends, but we’re going to ask anyway! If you enjoy our blog, please use the sharing tools at the bottom of each post to share with your friends. You can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, or subscribe to new posts using the button on the left sidebar. We never share your email address with anyone, and we never send any kind of spam.

If you have a blog, please consider adding us to your link list. If you do add us, be sure to let us know so that we can link back to you!

We don’t make any money from this site, but we enjoy it when people read what we write. So if you like what you’ve seen, please pass it on!

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This installment of Links of the Week is sure to rock your world!

Needs: Part 1 — Yes, quickies are awesome when you gotta go. Like candy. Shouldn’t be all you eat, but a few times a day doesn’t hurt….

Finding Friends to Support Your Marital Intimacy — Make friends that build up you and your marriage. Negative friends who constantly complain about their spouses won’t do your marriage any good. Brag about your spouse!

Three gifts from Journey to Surrender: The Gift of “As You Wish” In the Bedroom, The Gift of Sex, and The Gift of Yourself

Sex During Pregnancy Infographic

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