Sexual Metaphors in the Bible and Poetry 1

Our ancestors thought about sex as much as we do (or we wouldn’t be here), and their sexual euphemisms are pretty fantastic. Here are some fun sexual metaphors, presented without much commentary.

From the Bible:

  • Adam knew Eve … and she conceived (Genesis 4:1)
  • “uncover her nakedness” (Leviticus 18:7) and open his robe to spread it over her
  • keliy, “instrument, tool, vessel”, And David answered the priest, “Truly women have been kept from us as always when I go on an expedition. The vessels of the young men are holy even when it is an ordinary journey. How much more today will their vessels be holy?” (2 Samuel 21:5-6)
  • qoten, “small one” 1 Kings 12:10 (2 Chr 10:10): “My qotonniy is thicker than the loin of my father.”
  • yarek, “thigh” Judges 8:30: “And Gideon had seventy sons who came out of his yarek.”
  • The beams of our house are cedars, our rafters are firs (Song of Solomon 1:17)
  • His fruit is sweet to my taste (Song of Solomon 2:3)
  • He has taken me to the banquet hall (Song of Solomon 2:4)
  • I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense (Song of Solomon 4:6)
  • …my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock (Song of Solomon 5:5)
  • Let my lover into his garden and taste its choice fruits (Song of Solomon 4:16)
  • I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride (Song of Solomon 5:1)
  • I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit (Song of Solomon 7:8)
  • The word that is translated “hinge” (1 Kings 7:50), is the same word that is translated a woman’s secret parts” (Isaiah 3:17)
  • “the place of the breaking forth of children” (Hosea 13:13)
  • “If my heart have been deceived by a woman.. then let my wife grind unto another, and let others bow down upon her” (Job 31:9,10)

From assorted poetry:

  • Afternoon delight
  • Assault with a friendly weapon
  • Attacking the pink fortress
  • Basket-making
  • Bedroom spelunking
  • Burying the white soft petals fallen from the apple tree
  • Burying treasure
  • Buttering the biscuit
  • Churning butter
  • Cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom
  • Counting down to thunder
  • Dipping the wick
  • Doing the Devil’s dance
  • Drinking from the chalice
  • Easing the spring
  • Eating the sunbeam
  • Emptying your basket of figs
  • Extreme flirting
  • Feeding the kitty
  • Filling her out like an application
  • Fingering the smooth and polished kernel
  • Gathering rosebuds
  • Hot beef injection
  • Humming around her chamber
  • Kindly serving
  • Laying pipe
  • Lifting the veil
  • Looting flowers
  • Making the beast with two backs
  • My body writes into your flesh
  • Nut in the gut
  • Pants-off dance-off
  • Playing doctor
  • Playing dungeons and dragons
  • Playing with the box the kid came in
  • Puddle-snuggling
  • Praying with the knees upwards
  • Putting in the seed
  • Putting the bread in the oven
  • Putting the wand in the chamber of secrets
  • Riding the Bony Express
  • Rolling in the hay
  • Shampooing the wookie
  • Sheathing the meat dagger
  • Sinking the pink
  • Skinning the cat
  • Slap and tickle
  • Spilling your wine
  • Sporting
  • Spray-painting the cervix
  • Squat-jumping in the cucumber patch
  • Struggle snuggling
  • Stuffing the taco
  • Testing the humidity
  • Tickling her tummy from the inside
  • Two-person push-ups
  • Walking the plank
  • Warming her pearls
  • Wetting the willy

(Some sources: Ex Minister, Redeeming God, Thought Catalog, Book Riot.)

Adam and Eve's Sex in "Paradise Lost" 2

Paradise Lost is an epic poem written by John Milton and published in 1667 that chronicles the temptation and fall of Adam and Eve, largely written from Satan’s point of view. It’s a challenging read, but Sexy Corte and I are enjoying it together in the evenings. Obviously Paradise Lost isn’t scripture and has no authority in your life, but we have found some passages to be beautiful and inspiring.

Book IV describes Adam and Eve saying their evening prayers and then having sex before falling asleep. I will break up the quote with my thoughts, while attempting to disrupt the flow as little as possible.

Their prayer to God begins:

“Thou also madest the Night,
Maker Omnipotent; and thou the Day,
Which we, in our appointed work employed,
Have finished, happy in our mutual help
And mutual love, the crown of all our bliss
Ordained by thee; and this delicious place,
For us too large, where thy abundance wants
Partakers, and unpicked falls to the ground.

Adam and Even have finished tending the Garden of Eden for the day and praise God for this delicious place and the mutual love that is the crown of all our bliss. But Eden is too large and abundant for them alone.

But thou hast promised from us two a race
To fill the Earth, who shall with us extol
Thy goodness infinite, both when we wake,
And when we seek, as now, thy gift of sleep.”

They remind themselves of God’s promise that they won’t be alone forever, that God intends to fill the earth with people who will worship Him day and night.

This said unanimous, and other rites
Observing none, but adoration pure,
Which God likes best, into their inmost bower
Handed they went, and, eased the putting-off
These troublesome disguises which we wear,
Straight side by side were laid; nor turned, I ween,
Adam from his fair spouse, nor Eve the rites
Mysterious of connubial love refused:
Whatever hypocrites austerely talk
Of purity, and place, and innocence,
Defaming as impure what God declares
Pure, and commands to some, leaves free to all.

Adam and Eve were unified in their prayer and performed no bedtime rituals other than to give God their adoration pure, which God likes best.

Then things get a little more interesting!

Getting into bed, Adam and Even put off these troublesome disguises which we wear — not clothes, but perhaps simply the demeanor and mindset required to perform their daily work — a focus on productivity and responsibility. With their prayers complete, perhaps they even set aside their conscious worship of God and turned their attention to each other — continuing to worship God nonetheless.

Adam and Eve lay down straight side by side facing each other. Adam did not turn away from his fair spouse, and Eve did not refuse the rites of mysterious connubial love. This rite certainly stands alongside the rite of adoration pure they just proclaimed for God together: both rites pure and simple, requiring nothing else to magnify them or prop them up.

And then Milton addresses the austere hypocrites who create rules and rituals around connubial love that that are unnecessary and even harmful, just like the rules and rituals the Pharisees created around their relationship with God. Rules about purity, as if marital sex could ever be impure. Rules about place, as if marital sex must be confined to a time, location, or circumstance. Rules about innocence, as if marital sex could ever be shameful, slutty, or dirty. No! God declares pure sex in marriage, and leaves this blessing free to all who desire it.

Our Maker bids increase; who bids abstain
But our destroyer, foe to God and Man?

What’s more, for marital sex Our Maker bids increase — God bids you to have more sex in your marriage, and thereby more bliss. In contrast, abstention from sex in marriage comes from our destroyer and foe.

Hail, wedded Love, mysterious law, true source
Of human offspring, sole propriety
In Paradise of all things common else!

Sole propriety here means that wedded Love is the only “property” (thing you can own) in Paradise, where everything else is held in common. In Paradise everything belongs to everyone, except your marital love. Your marital sex life belongs only to you and your spouse; it is your property.

Continuing on the topic of wedded Love:

By thee adulterous lust was driven from men
Among the bestial herds to range; by thee,
Founded in reason, loyal, just, and pure,
Relations dear, and all the charities
Of father, son, and brother, first were known.

Wedded Love is founded on reason: loyal, just, and pure. (See also: Applying the Fruit of the Spirit to Your Sex Life.) In fact, all relationships and loves that we hold dear were first known through marital love.

Now Milton breaks into the first-person:

Far be it that I should write thee sin or blame,
Or think thee unbefitting holiest place,
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets,
Whose bed is undefiled and chaste pronounced,
Present, or past, as saints and patriarchs used.

Wedded Love is above and beyond any sin or blame and is fit for the holiest place. Milton wants to make sure that his readers don’t miss an important point: Adam and Eve’s sin in Eden was not about sex or nakedness. Marital love is a perpetual fountain of domestic sweets: never bitter, and never dry.

Here Love his golden shafts employs, here lights
His constant lamp, and waves his purple wings,
Reigns here and revels; not in the bought smile
Of harlots—loveless, joyless, unendeared,
Casual fruition; nor in court amours,
Mixed dance, or wanton mask, or midnight ball,
Or serenade, which the starved lover sings
To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain.

Wedded Love is a golden angel who reigns and revels — a boisterous party! In contrast, the love of harlots and casual fruition (casual dalliances), are loveless and joyless. Wedded Love is no wanton midnight ball, and no starved lover pining for an unrequited love. Wedded Love is above and beyond all these shameful, bestial lusts and should not ever be lumped together with them.

This section of the poem closes with an exhortation for Adam and Eve:

These, lulled by nightingales, embracing slept,
And on their naked limbs the flowery roof
Showered roses, which the morn repaired. Sleep on,
Blest pair! and, O! yet happiest, if ye seek
No happier state, and know to know no more!

Adam and Eve will be happiest if they seek no happiness beyond the bliss of their wedded Love, sleeping naked in each others arms.

(The engraving above is by William Blake.)

Libertine Poetry -- History Is Full of Humans Just Like Us 3

We commonly get questions — usually from a wife — about “weird” things her husband wants to in bed. Where did my husband get this crazy idea?

Well, as you know, humans have been having sex for a long time, and no matter how strict the rules are we’ve always been kinky. I recently listened to an episode of the Ask Historians podcast about libertine literature, and it mentioned a poem that I wanted to share titled “The Imperfect Enjoyment” from 17th century libertine writer John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. (You can see a portrait of him above — he’s hot for his time!) Rochester is frustrated by his own premature ejaculation, and has written this poem to curse at his penis for failing. An excerpt:

When, with a thousand kisses wandering o’er
My panting bosom, “Is there then no more?”
She cries. “All this to love and rapture’s due;
Must we not pay a debt to pleasure too?”
But I, the most forlorn, lost man alive,
To show my wished obedience vainly strive:
I sigh, alas! and kiss, but cannot swive.
Eager desires confound my first intent,
Succeeding shame does more success prevent,
And rage at last confirms me impotent.
Ev’n her fair hand, which might bid heat return
To frozen age, and make cold hermits burn,
Applied to my dear cinder, warms no more
Than fire to ashes could past flames restore.
Trembling, confused, despairing, limber, dry,
A wishing, weak, unmoving lump I lie.

The poem is funny and poignantly humanizing. It’s easy to forget that our ancestors were as human as we are. The libertines are certainly not to be emulated in their philosophy, but why should they get to have better sex lives than married Christians? No way!

Do you have any sexy poetry to share? Leave a link in the comments.

Advent Update 4

We are over halfway through our Adult Advent Calendar, so I thought I would share an update. So far we have had a great time doing this! There have been some surprises, some overlaps, and some things we probably won’t be trying again (like having sex outside in the freezing cold!). It has been fun to see what El Fury has come up with. Every morning shortly after we wake up we both get excited about drawing a new Advent activity. Here are some of my favorite parts of this activity so far:

  • Being intentional. We draw an activity in the morning then spend the rest of the day doing that activity or thinking about how we are going to do that activity. Then when it’s time, we spend part of our evening (or afternoon) just focusing on each other. It’s nice to simply focus on each other.
  • Spicing things up. Here are some of the more interesting things we’ve done so far: Pirates and Poetry, NO panties until we have sex again, sex outside, Tattoo night, role-playing with Professor Fury, 5 Senses Sex, and sex during naptime.
  • Being romantic. Some of the other activities we have done: texting/emailing each other all day about what we plan to do to each other that night, dinner date after the kids go to bed. The texting one was fun, so we have continued doing that with the other activities we are doing.

A lot of people seem to get so busy and overwhelmed over Christmas. Make sure to give your sex life some of your best time, not just your leftover time. Anyone else trying the Adult Advent Calendar? Any fun ideas you’ve come up with?

Pirates and Poetry Night 5

We’ve been drawing an activity from our adult advent calendar every morning this month, and yesterday we drew one of Sexy Corte’s ideas: “pirates and poetry”. It’s exactly what it sounds like: we dressed up like sexy pirates, read poetry, and played with each other before having sex. SC put eyeliner on me, and I basically looked like this:

hook-s

(Update: SC says I was handsomer.)

Sexy Corte dressed as a sexy pirate wench in a red corset, stockings, a white peasant skirt… and that’s it. Super hot.

It’s important to draw the advent activity in the morning (instead of evening) for two reasons:

  1. Sexual energy builds up when you know what’s coming.
  2. You have time to prepare!

So yesterday at lunch I wrote a bawdy pirate sonnet. Feel free to read it to your spouse — see if it makes her blush!

Pirate captains are not romantic rogues,
Despite the stories on screens big and small.
They pill’ge and plunder everywhere they go,
D’spoiling booty in every port of call.

Many wenches yearn for salty sea-men,
With shining eyes and flirty p’laver frank.
But wenches’ mouths have nobl’r pirate function:
Walking with her lips his engor’ged plank.

Yet his heart may soften as he oft’ moors,
Nigh well-plumbed depths ’round the vicinity
f’Hidden grotto, warm and wet, his hoard,
Where sinks his laden ship repeatedly.

Where a hardened pirate seeks deepest rest,
And buries little pirates in her treasure chest.

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 6

We hope everyone had a great Mother’s Day!

Mom knows best. Eating together at the table as a family is awesome. Ok, this isn’t sex-related, sorry.

Smooth as a Baby’s Butt. Yes, men should shave down there, too. You’ll both enjoy it.

What does he mean by “oral sex”? (It may not be what you think.) Or it may! But really, mouths are extremely versatile and there’s a lot you can do with them.

Faith in your marriage. “Society and the media will tell you that marriages ultimately decline. It’s a lie. If you walk in the truth of beliefs 1 and 2 above, then it is entirely possible to continually grow closer regardless of how long you’ve been married.” Amen!

Why mirrors are great to use during sex. How many people do this? We haven’t tried.

Tenderness. (A poem.)

Let’s talk time wasters. A great reminder of the importance of properly categorizing the urgent and important.

And if you want to read more sex/marriage posts, check out Happy hour.

Have a great week!