Long-Distance and Masturbation

Long-Distance and Masturbation 1

Is it acceptable for married couples to masturbate? What if they’re separated by distance due to work or family obligations? We get variations on this question pretty frequently, like the two below.

Wife “NS” asks:

Hello! And thank you for having a discreet place where we can come ask questions and not be judged, but receive honest, faith-based answers to help us have a sex life that’s pleasing in God’s eyes.

I grew up in a Christian home (I’m a Pastor’s Kid), but we did not talk about sex (other than, don’t do it outside of marriage). So it’s not like I can talk to my parents about questions I have.

My hubs and I have been very happily married for 15yrs now. What are your thoughts on masturbation and sex toys? I can’t find anything in God’s Word that specifically speaks to this. We often travel and are apart for a week or more. We assume sexting is permissible since it’s strictly between us. But at times we have dreams and awake pleasuring ourselves when we’re apart.

And Wife “EB” asks:

Hi y’all, I’m curious as to your thoughts on solo masturbation due to distance. My husband is currently deployed and while sexting and phone sex are great, the opportunities are rare.

We’ve both done it but sometimes I feel guilty afterward, even though I only picture him.

We’ve written about masturbating together a couple of times, so I’m going to focus this post on the topic of solo masturbation.

I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation or sex toys in-and-of-themselves. The Bible doesn’t mention either one. I think if the focus of your sexual pleasure is on your spouse, then go for it! I do use sex toys — in fact a vibrator is the best way for me to orgasm through intercourse, which has brought incredible intimacy to our marriage.

I don’t personally masturbate, but we receive emails from women who do (particularly military wives). I can imagine that being separated from your spouse for long periods of time would be difficult. The Bible gives us spiritual freedom in gray areas like this (see 1 Corinthians 8) where we should be guided by the Holy Spirit and our own conscience. I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation as long as your spouse is your source of intimacy. I tell these wives that if it strengthens their marriage and doesn’t violate their conscience then I think it’s acceptable.

Please refer to the post Can we *blank*? for some deeper thinking on these questions. Obey the Bible, pray, talk with your spouse, and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

10 comments

    1. Sure, why not? There are even app-controlled vibrators that you can buy that will let a husband stimulate his wife from across the world.

  1. Skype, while pleasuring ourselves, kept us both sane, while my husband was deployed years ago.
    With that being said, in the past few months we’ve both explored solo masturbation, and it has done nothing but enhance our sexuality together. I don’t know how that math works out 😆 but I’m delighted it does!

    1. Care to elaborate on how solo masturbation has enhanced your sexuality together? Has it increased your libido, or familiarity fir your bodies, or what?

      One of the potential dangers of solo masturbation would be wearing yourself out such that you’re not interested in sex with your spouse. That should definitely be avoided! But it sounds like you’re experiencing the opposite?

      1. I think you hit the nail on the head. Increased libido, more familiarity with what we both like, then we bring both of those things back to each other.
        I don’t believe there’s any danger of either of us preferring it over actual sex/being worn out. There’s definitely more sex than masturbation happening, and the amount of sex has increased since we started trying this. I think one of the main reasons why that is, is because I’m feeling more confident in my sexuality. It’s been pretty fantastic.

  2. I think it would be interesting for y’all to read Humanae Vitae and some of the Catholic church’s teachings on this topic

    Thanks for the writing!

    1. A quick search leads me to this link. Is this the general direction you’re referring to?

      Whatever the force of certain arguments of a biological and philosophical nature, which have sometimes been used by theologians, in fact both the Magisterium of the Church – in the course of a constant tradition – and the moral sense of the faithful have declared without hesitation that masturbation is an intrinsically and seriously disordered act.

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