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I had a grandfather that used to order quiche every time we went to a restaurant. He would always proudly say to the waitress, “I’ll have the quickie“. I never knew if he mis-pronounced it on purpose or not. As I got older and I understood what “quickie” meant, I went to restaurants feeling a mixture of amusement, embarrassment, and also a little nausea.

Now that I am a wife and a mom, I have come to appreciate the value of the “quickie”. Daily life can feel so hectic. Nap times get interrupted, the to-do list piles up. It’s not often that you find yourself in the middle of a quiet moment during the afternoon. We have realized that when moments like that come your way, embrace the spontaneity and have sex.

El Fury and I were lucky to have 2 such moments in the past week, which is like the blue moon of quickies. Last Sunday afternoon the kids were napping or quietly occupied. We actually had enough time to have sex and snuggle. In our bed! It was so luxurious. Mid-week one kid was at school, the others were napping, I had caught up on work and El Fury happened to be in between work calls. I saw the opportunity, turned on the charm, and in a few minutes we were having sex in the chair in El Fury’s office.

It doesn’t matter where the quickie occurs. Find the nearest surface and do it!

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Sexy Corte is a dance move in the Tango. As the name implies, it is a very sexy move. It comes from a move simply called the Corte, which is when the dancers pause for a beat, and the woman extends her left leg out and looks over her left shoulder. The Sexy Corte starts with the regular Corte, but then the woman takes her left leg and very slowly slides it up and around her partner’s leg, and back down again. It is very sultry and seductive.

If you are looking for a way to spice up your marriage, I would recommend studying the Tango. El Fury and I took ballroom dancing for a while, and it was a lot of fun. The Tango was definitely our favorite. It is a spiteful, jealous dance that gives you the thrill of pursuing and being pursued. Especially once you learn a few moves and get over the awkward fumbling of beginning ballroom dancing, it is impossible not to feel sexy while doing this dance. It always made me want to rip El Fury’s clothes off right there. We don’t go to class anymore, but once in a while after the kids go to bed you can find us refreshing our Tango moves at home.

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One of my most memorable dates with El Fury involved our car, a napkin, and a skirt. We had had a crazy day with the kids and both of us needed a little break. Last minute we asked a friend to watch them so that we could get out for a few hours. I threw on a skirt and a nice top, we dropped the kids off and went out for ice cream. El Fury didn’t know that I had a little trick up my sleeve.

In the middle of our date, I wrote him a note on a napkin and slid it over to him. He unfolded it, read it, and got a sly smile on his face. The note simply said, “I’m not wearing any panties”.  He was too distracted after that, so we immediately finished our ice cream and got out of there. We drove to the nearest dead end we could find. All he had to do was pull down his pants a little, and all I had to do was hop on. We had amazing sex, definitely in my top 5!

I love it when El Fury is thoughtful and romantic. For him, and probably most men I would guess, it meant a lot to him that I thought out and planned a sexual surprise. He likes knowing that I think about and initiate a lot of our sexy time. Something so simple can go a long way. Women, think of a way to surprise your husband sexually.

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I love watching our toddler. She is full of so much joy and energy. Everything is worth exploring. She takes so much delight in such simple pleasures. Learning to jump, looking at the moon, petting our dog. There are so many things that I take for granted that I get to rediscover through her eyes. It’s so refreshing.

There are many things in relationships that we take for granted too. I guess you get used to each other, but we should still take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of our spouse. Lately I’ve been focusing on kissing. I’m trying to avoid those hurried pecks on the lips. Instead I try to give El Fury passionate, lingering kisses that leave you hungry for more. I don’t want lazy kisses, I want to be left out of breath from having my mouth thoroughly ravaged! If he dips me at the end, that’s even better.

There are a lot of simple relationship pleasures. Holding hands, snuggling. What do you take for granted with your spouse?

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The Marriage Bed has a fascinating survey on female orgasm during intercourse with or without clitoral stimulation. As the charts show, most women need clitoral stimulation to climax regularly. I am definitely one of them. I have never had an orgasm with intercourse only. Intercourse feels great to me, but it can’t get me there without some help.

Part of what I found most interesting about the survey was reading the comments at the end. Women are all so different! We have very different bodies and very different sex lives. I found myself feeling envious when I read about the women that could orgasm easily with intercourse alone. Conversely I felt very grateful when I read about women that had a very difficult time.

After reading through the comments I felt convicted for my emotional response. God gave us the bodies we have, so there is no sense in wishing for something different. If we aren’t experiencing the pleasure we want to have, we need to communicate and work with our spouse to figure out how to achieve our desired level of sexual satisfaction. I think most husbands want to give their wives orgasms, but they might need some help figuring out what feels good. Don’t be afraid to communicate! When we first started using a vibrator, I was afraid to ask if we could use it. I didn’t want El Fury to feel slighted or like I preferred it over him. It took me some time to realize that he understands, loves and accepts my body just the way it is. He cares about getting me to climax, and if we have to use a vibrator while he is inside me, it doesn’t bother him at all. I love our sex life! If we hadn’t been able to communicate and willing to experiment, I probably still would never have had an orgasm. I’m glad I didn’t miss out on that!!

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We talk a lot about sex and what turns us on, so I thought it would be good to address the flip side of that. I want to say first that this is not a retaliation post directed at El Fury.

  • Swearing/vulgarity – This is very unattractive for both men and women. I have always appreciated that El Fury doesn’t swear. He doesn’t need obnoxious filler words to express what he is saying. Now, in the right moment, talking a little dirty can be pretty sexy. Choose those moments wisely.
  • Low self esteem – There is a difference between this and humility. I think you can still be humble and have confidence.
  • Arrogance – While low self esteem is unattractive, don’t go over-board. Cockiness is just as bad. Again, a quiet confidence is very hot. From a woman’s perspective, It assures me that you are going to be able to make good decisions for our family, as well as take charge in the bedroom. I am sure this is just as unattractive on a woman.
  • Rejection – I am an affection giver. I frequently like to give hugs, pats and kisses to El Fury whenever he is within reach. If he is working in his office I like to give drive-by affection. On occasion if this isn’t well received, I feel a sense of rejection. It makes me uninterested in later sexy time. If you can’t accept a peck on the cheek now, why should I want to engage when it’s convenient for you? You should never be too busy that you won’t welcome a love pat from your spouse.
  • Disrespect – I am disappointed at how I see people treat their spouses sometimes. The way they talk to them or about them can be very disrespectful. No one will respect your spouse more than you do.
  • Take a shower! – Even if you can’t smell yourself, your spouse can. Plus, there is nothing better than the feel of clean skin on skin.
  • Laziness – It means a lot when spouses help each other out.

Next time your spouse isn’t acting very amorous towards you, stop and think if you’ve done something to turn them off. Then figure out a way to turn it back on!

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Some of my favorite dates have been here at home. With small children, it can be hard to arrange for a babysitter and go out. Luckily kids need a lot of sleep and after the kids go to bed, the adults can play.

The key to home dates is to be intentional. Sitting on the couch together watching TV doesn’t count. Plan something! But also be flexible and allow for some spontaneity. Our last home date was so simple. All we did was make dinner and dessert together, but it turned into a memorable evening.

Remember, there are no boundaries at home. You aren’t in public, so why not turn the entire experience into a long session of foreplay? By the time the date is done (if you make it that long) you will be so hot for each other that the sex will be fantastic. A stroke here, a little suck or caress there. By the time we were done making dessert we were having so much fun with the whipped cream we practically ran upstairs.

Be romantic. Be creative. Have fun with each other! Does anyone else have ideas for home dates?

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Gerad at the blog mission:husband has an insightful post for wives titled 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head. Now, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to improve your communication with your spouse so that there’s nothing you’re afraid to ask… but until you get to that point a list like this can be pretty helpful. You and your spouse might even consider writing lists for each other if it’s hard to say some things out loud (at first).

Here are a couple of points I’ll add to his list.

  • We men like to leave our mark. That’s why we want you to swallow, and we shoot our seed deep inside you. Hours later, we like to hear that you’re sore, your muscles are tired and tingly, and our come is still leaking out. We like to hear that you’re still affected by our powerful lovemaking long after it’s over. This is the same motivation that drives men to conquer new lands and build skyscrapers.
  • Enthusiasm is the key to doing almost anything well with us. Whether its sex or helping to fix the dishwasher, when we’re doing something together your enthusiasm is really important. Even though it wasn’t your idea, and it isn’t very exciting to pass us tools while we’re shoulder-deep under an appliance, your enthusiasm will be greatly appreciated. I’m going to write a post about enthusiasm during sex later.

And finally, a modification to his point 11:

11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job – Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one.

Never really been a fan of hand-jobs… get down there and suck your husband off.

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El Fury and I started reading “Sheet Music”. The book starts out describing a married couple that used to have sexual difficulty. The problem was that the wife wanted more sexual variety, and her husband was mis-reading her signals. After the husband went to counseling, a light came on, and now they have a fantastic sex life. However, they spent the first 15 years of their marriage not enjoying mediocre sex!

Communicate! It is startling that many people aren’t able to communicate about sex with their spouse. You are already naked, vulnerable, making strange noises, in awkward positions. This is not the time to be shy! If at one point during that 15 years the wife would have said “ooo, that feels good” or “why don’t we try it this way?” Or perhaps the husband could have asked “how does this feel?” or “where do you want me to touch you?” Something so simple could have made that 15 years sexually awesome!

Be bold! The more you communicate, the more comfortable it is to talk about. Being explicit with each other can be a big turn on too.

Stay tuned. I’m sure we will post more as we read more of “Sheet Music”.

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Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.

Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!

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