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Reader and bride-to-be “WO” writes:

Hello, I plan on being married in February and have saved myself for marriage. I have always been really conservative but after reading your site it looks like I have a lot to learn. One of my biggest “mouth openers” was when you talk about oral sex. I didn’t know it was expected for my husband to finish in my mouth and even swallow his semen??? Will I be a good wife if I don’t? Actually I got a bit curious and instead of mentally thinking about watching porn I actually went on an adult site out of curiosity and saw the man finishing in the woman’s mouth! I feel so ashamed but I had never seen that before and was really wanting to learn… now after watching that it actually arouses me to watch that. I never in a million years would have guessed I would be watching porn but now after viewing it it seems I am watching it now daily. Please advise… thanks!

Congrats on your upcoming marriage! It’s great that you’re going into your marriage with a mindset of wanting to learn. In writing this blog, our hope is that God would use us to deepen relationships between spouses. Your desire to learn should be paired with your husband. One of the best parts of marriage is learning and discovering together. I encourage you to set aside watching the porn and focus on having this adventure with your husband. There isn’t necessarily a best way to do oral sex. The best way is whatever creates intimacy and satisfaction in your marriage. We are praying that God will bless you and your sex life in your marriage!

Reader and husband-to-be “WC” writes:

What is the nickname for a woman that enjoys her husband’s penis “for its own sake” — especially STARING at it? I do not like the term “cock worship”, because it implies putting it on the same level with God. But, I want to find a woman that has a good degree of that trait as a turn-on. How can I bring this up with a woman I’m considering marrying, but without going down the “worship” road? (PS: I’m age 66, have been divorced for four years, and I still have the sex drive of a young man.)

I’m not sure of the proper terminology for what you are looking for, but it is good to communicate about sex and your sex drive while you’re dating. If you’re in your 60s and have been married before, it is likely that you will be dating someone that has had sex before and has a good understanding of what she likes sexually. This topic doesn’t seem like first-date material, but when a relationship gets serious it’s not out-of-line to talk about sexual desires together. Above all pray. Be open with God about what you want and ask Him to guide you to the right woman. See also: How to Admire Your Husband’s Penis.

Husband “AM” writes:

Hello, just found your podcast. Currently listening to episode 18, about a wife’s first orgasm. I decided to ask my wife about her orgasms, and how she likes them best. Her response to me was, “why do I need to orgasm? Are you having fun? That’s all that matters to me.” She has ZERO interest in exploring her body, improving our sex life, or even talking about it. I’m at a loss here. We’re in our mid 40s, we’ve been married almost twenty years, and we have a bunch of kids. When I asked her to read your blog, she said she didn’t want to read that “smut”. I’m at a loss here. Any advice?

If your wife has never had an orgasm, it’s possible that if she does that she’ll desire more. Ask her if you can dedicate an evening to her pleasure, where you focus on her. Most women aren’t aware that only 1/3 of us can orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Your wife may require quite a long time of focused stimulation on her clitoris to reach orgasm. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and consider using a vibrator if she’s comfortable with it. If she has never experienced arousal in this way, she might be surprised by how much she likes it! Don’t put too much pressure on her and try to make it fun.

We pray for everyone who writes to us. Have a great week!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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It’s amazing that vibrating haptic suits can help deaf people enjoy music, but it makes me notice that sexual haptic technology seems to be pretty stagnant.

After a year of research, Belquer’s team finally settled on a haptic suit — similar to the one used for virtual reality or video games — with 24 vibrating plates or actuators. Twenty are attached to the vest, which fits snugly around the body. The remaining four are wrapped around each wrist and ankle.

A software program allows musicians and DJs to easily integrate the haptic suits into their program. While the vibrations are not synched to the songs, they complement the music experience.

Vibrators have been around for 200 years and there a million kinds of vibrators and dildos… and that’s about it. Sure, there are other novelty haptic sex toys for both men and women, but none of them seem to be particularly popular or effective. People are working on sex robots, but the best “sex robot” we’ve seen has been the one that vacuums our floors. I suppose that adding remote control capability to vibrators was a significant advancement, but it seems like so much more can be done! Here are some user stories for sexual haptics, written from the perspective of a husband — but all these stories could be written from a wife’s perspective also.

  • Hold Hands. I’d like to hold hands with my wife remotely.
  • Kissing. It’s sure hard to imagine how this one would be possible, but I’d like to be able to kiss my wife remotely.
  • Hugging and holding. I’d like to be able to hug and hold my wife remotely.
  • Detect arousal. I’d like to know my wife’s arousal level remotely.
  • Finger tracing. I’d like to be able to run my fingers over my wife’s skin remotely.
  • Gaze alerts. I’d like my wife to know when I’m looking at her breasts or butt, or otherwise checking her out.
  • Fingering. I’d like to be able to finger my wife’s clitoris and vagina and feel her wetness and arousal remotely.
  • Squeezing. I’d like to be able to squeeze my wife’s breasts or butt remotely.
  • Direct stimulation. I’d like to be able to remotely control my wife’s level of sexual arousal.

We get a ton of emails from husbands and wives who are geographically separated for various reasons (e.g., military service) and struggle to maintain intimacy, and we don’t have a ton of good advice for them. It might seem far-fetched to imagine that haptics could ever bridge this gap and facilitate true intimacy, but there are literally millions of marriages that would benefit from more advanced sexual technology.

(The image at the top of the post is of the TESLASUIT, which is available for $13k and doesn’t appear to have any sexual technology.)

Is there anything I missed in my list above that you’d want to do with sexual haptic technology? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Were vibrators invented by 19th-century doctors to cure women of “hysteria”? It’s story so good we all want it to be true — but it probably isn’t. From Mara Hvistendahl writing in Scientific American:

For a sex toy, the vibrator’s roots seem amazingly antiseptic and clinical. Prescribed as a cure for the curious disease hysteria, the device for decades found clinical application as a supposed medical therapy.

Derived from the Greek word for “uterus,” hysteria occurred in women with pent-up sexual energy—or so healers and early physicians believed. Nuns, widows and spinsters were particularly susceptible, but by the Victorian era many married women had fallen prey as well. In the late 19th century a pair of prominent physicians estimated that three quarters of American women were at risk.

The prescription of clitoral orgasm as a treatment for hysteria dates to medical texts from the first century A.D. Hysterical women typically turned to doctors, who cured them with their hands by inducing a “paroxysm”—a term that hides what we now know as a sexual climax. But manual stimulation was time-consuming and (for the doctors at least) tedious. In The Technology of Orgasm: “Hysteria,” the Vibrator and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, science historian Rachel P. Maines reports that physicians often passed the job off to midwives.

Thanks to the vibrator, doctors and midwives could give their hands a rest and patients could get the treatment they needed… in the comfort of their own homes.

Patients were happy, too. The number of health spas offering vibration therapy multiplied, and the service was so popular vibrator manufacturers warned doctors not to overdo it with the modern appliance: if they met relentless patient demand, even mechanical vibration could be tiring. By the turn of the century needlework catalogues advertised models for women who wanted to try the treatment at home, making the vibrator the fifth electric appliance to arrive in the home—after the sewing machine, the fan, the teakettle and the toaster.

Ok, it’s a great story, but Fern Riddell is here to ruin our fun.

So did the real Dr Granville invent an electronic device for massage? Yes. Was it anything to do with the female orgasm? No. He actually invented it to help stimulate male pain relief, just as massage is used today.

Victorian doctors knew exactly what the female orgasm was; in fact, it’s one of the reasons they thought masturbation was a bad idea. A few theorised that it might be beneficial to a woman for her period pain, but the majority of doctors saw the art of self-pleasure as highly dangerous to your health.

This attitude was not because they were on some sort of anti-pleasure, or anti-sex crusade, but because orgasms were actually important to the Victorians. Marriage guides discussing the sex act often claimed that a woman in a sexually satisfying relationship was more likely to become pregnant, as the wife’s orgasm was just as necessary to conception as her husband’s. A book called The Art to Begetting Handsome Children, published in 1860, contains a detailed passage on foreplay, and shows us that, for the Victorians, sex, pleasure and love were concepts that were universally tied together. In A Guide To Marriage, published in 1865 by the aptly named Albert Sidebottom, the advice to young couples exploring their relationship for the first time is that “All love between the sexes is based upon sexual passion”. This is something I’ve come across time and again in researching Victorian attitudes to sex: sexual pleasure, and especially female sexual pleasure, really mattered.

So if doctors were using vibrators to treat their female patients, everyone knew exactly what was going on. The idea that female orgasms were discovered by humanity a mere 200 years ago is absurd when you think about it — our ancestors were just as sexual as we are and knew how to have a good time. But the story is still fun, and might make for an enjoyable doctor-patient role-playing scenario!

Addendum: There is merit to the use of sexual intimacy to heal and recover from grief or stress, but that’s more psychological than medical. If any wives out there have experience treating their “hysteria” with “paroxysms” please let us know in the comments!

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