Sex Q&A: Physical Touch, Sex Toys, Chapped Lips 1

It’s time for the mail bag!

Husband “RE” writes:

In a nutshell, my marriage to my wife for now 11 years has never been equal sexually. I have my faults and selfishness but thank The Lord he has healed me and corrected me in so many things over the years. We have 5 kids together and our youngest is 2 now. I would like more physical touch while she is completely fine not touching me for days and weeks. I don’t want to struggle anymore and have prayed countless time why are we so very different in this way. Even when I do everything right, go on dates etc., our sex life is probably 3 times a month. Our time on earth is so short and I wish this wasn’t a struggle for me or a big deal.

My first thought reading your email is that I remember when our kids were 2. I stayed home with them, and by the end of the day I often felt over-touched. When they were so little there was such a physical demand on my body that I felt like it was public property in a way. El Fury would come home from work and I wasn’t ready to give him physical affection. In a similar way, he spends most of his work day talking and often isn’t ready to engage mentally right when he gets done working. It helped both of us a lot to disengage and have some alone time. This refreshed us and then we were ready to be together. For me, even just showering by myself and taking my time alone was enough to make me ready for even a hug from El Fury. He needed to zone out or work out, and then he was ready to talk.

It also important to guard our time together in the evening. Kids can easily take over! After 7pm is grown-up time, and we’ve tried to protect that even as our kids have gotten older. We have to pause to put them to bed, but there is an expectation that we spend evenings together.

I would recommend communicating with your wife in a positive goal-oriented manner. Don’t focus on what she is or isn’t doing. Instead, communicate together — what would you like your sex life to look like and how can you work together towards that goal? What do you need from each other? Try to make it a positive, productive dialogue.

El Fury adds: The phrase “even when I do everything right” makes me think that you have a covert contract with your wife that she doesn’t know about and never agreed to. If you want to get laid in exchange for doing things your wife enjoys, you should talk about that explicitly. (Exactly what this arrangement might look like depends on your marriage; I don’t recommend that it be purely transactional, because that’s not generally healthy for loving relationships.)

Wife “HH” writes:

I’m 18 and I’m newly married. (Yes I know that’s crazy young lol). My husband and I have different beliefs about what sex can be. He’s Catholic and I’m Baptist. I believe sex toys, masturbating together, and anal performed on both me and him are okay! My husband is strongly against all of those things. I struggle to ever get aroused sadly no matter how horny I am, “in the mood” or how long we do anything… it has taken a toll on my mental health and is something that has effected our marriage. He knows how badly I want to add vibrators or any toy into our sex life to help aroused me but he’s told me he would never be open to it. Before I met my husband I had a vibrator and I was able to climax every time I used it. I’m very heartbroken thinking that I will not be able to. I’m on medication to help my blood flow to get me aroused, I’ve had medicated lube for blow flow and we have tried orgasmic meditation every time we have sex. We pray together but I think we need more advice on what to do. I also have to beg sometimes for sex with us very discouraging.

There are things that El Fury and I have done that I thought I would never be open to, so be encouraged that sometimes people just need to get used to an idea. It’s great that you pray together.

The Bible talks a lot about sex, but doesn’t specify exactly what is and isn’t allowed. El Fury and I believe that God is very clear in the Bible when there is something that He doesn’t want you to do. For sex, as long as it’s between two consenting people inside the marriage, then we believe it’s good and acceptable. If something brings intimacy to the marriage, then we believe that is honoring to God.

For myself, I can’t orgasm during sex unless we use a vibrator. The use of that tool has greatly enhanced the intimacy of our marriage. It’s not about the tool, it’s about what the tool enables me to do. I think sometimes men can feel insecure if they aren’t able to bring their wives to orgasm. However, the majority of women (2/3) cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Try talking to your husband about his opposition, and make sure he knows that your primary goal is to increase your intimacy together. In your conversations with him, if you emphasize that you want your sex life with him to be amazing. That may alleviate any insecurity he is feeling.

Finally, start slow. You have the rest of your lives together to explore each other. You don’t have to do everything all at once! Start with what will lead to both of you having greater satisfaction in your sex life, and maybe leave some of the other things like anal to explore down the road.

Husband “EE” writes:

My wife and I are newlyweds and were both virgins when we got married. On our honeymoon, as part of exploration/foreplay, I went down on her. She had reservations at first, but ended up loving it. Fast -forward a few months, and she doesn’t want me to go down on her anymore. She says “it still feels good, but it makes me feel chapped after a while.” She agreed to try it again recently for a short while as foreplay, but within 10 seconds she felt chapped again.

My question is, have you heard of this before? Since we’re both virgins we don’t have any experience except with each other. I absolutely love giving her head, and would do it every day even if we didn’t have time for me to have an orgasm after. She clearly enjoys the sensations, but having her lips feeling chapped afterwards is of course a big downer.

I haven’t heard this before, but it isn’t surprising considering how chapped the lips on your mouth can get. When El Fury and I were newlyweds it did take my body a while to adjust to having sex, including oral sex. Hopefully this is something that will work itself out over time.

There are a few things you can try to keep her moisturized. An edible lube might be a good place to start when you’re performing oral on her. You may also try shaving very smoothly before you go down on her, to make sure your facial hair isn’t abrading her skin. If the problem persists I would recommend talking to your doctor.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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What is orgasmic meditation and how do you do it? How can OM benefit your marriage and sex life?

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Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/mental-techniques/present-moment-orgasmic-meditation/

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/thumb-and-finger-zoom-technique/

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/how-to-rub-a-clitoris-pulling-back-the-curtain/

“The Male Clitoris”: Frenulum Technique: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/the-male-clitoris-frenulum-technique/

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Being Present in the Moment with Orgasmic Meditation 2

“The Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time–for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.” — C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

It’s hard to be in the present. We spend most of our time worrying about the future or re-living the past, but the present is hard to grasp. We’ve written before about the importance of making time and energy for sex, but do you ever get distracted when you’re actually doing it? Are you able to be wholly present in the experience with your spouse?

If you’d like to be more present and mindful during sex then you might want to try orgasmic meditation (or “OM”). This post will focus on wives and their orgasms, like most research into OM, but there’s no reason that similar techniques can’t be applied to husbands also.

To get started, you may want to check out this 15-minute TEDx presentation by Nicole Daedone. Her tagline for a woman who feels empty or disconnected from her husband is: “try orgasm”. Take a few minutes to watch it with your spouse.

(It’s worth noting that OneTaste, Daedone’s company, doesn’t have a great reputation. For this post we’re going to discuss the practice of OM, and hope that none of our readers are foolish enough to join a sex cult or pay anyone for sexual services.)

So what is orgasmic meditation? The practice is physically very simple.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

The stroking is meant to happen in an incredibly specific way — on the upper-left quadrant of the clitoris in an up-and-down motion, no firmer than you would stroke an eyelid.

[Anjuli Ayer, CEO of Institute of OM] also considers OM a goal-less practice. “The intention is not to serve as foreplay or to get the participants to orgasm.” That’s right, while the practice has orgasm in the name, orgasming isn’t the goal. Rather, it’s to bring your attention to the present moment and experience pleasure.

The Institute of OM charges almost $200 for a single class, but Christian wives have a more affordable alternative: their husband. Here are the basic steps:

  1. Prepare your space. OM requires 15 minutes with no interruptions, so lock your door and tell the kids not to bother you. Your bed is a great place for OM, but you could use a couch or other comfortable place. You should also get some lube and a minute timer.
  2. Prepare yourselves. The wife should take off her clothes, lie down, and spread her legs with her knees up and her feet down. The husband is recommended to position himself in a very specific way: he should sit on his wife’s right side, with his left leg over her tummy and his right leg under her knees. This position should prop the wife’s knees up and give the husband easy access to her clitoris. Finally, both spouses should commit themselves to the experience and to each other for the duration of the meditation, and focus on the experience at hand (ahem). Pray for intimacy and pleasure.
  3. Begin stroking. Set the timer for 13 minutes and start it. The husband should put lube on his fingers, specifically on his right thumb and left index finger. Next, the husband should insert his right thumb slightly into the wife’s vagina. Then the husband should use his left index finger to begin gently stroking the upper-left of the wife’s clitoris, pulling back the clitoral hood if necessary. The stroke should be light and slow, and approximately half-an-inch in length. (Related: zoom technique and how to rub a clitoris.)
  4. Guide your husband. The wife should tell her husband if she wants him to change his stroking pattern: faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. Despite the name, orgasmic meditation doesn’t have the goal of orgasm. Like Ayer said in the quote above, the purpose of OM is to help you focus on the present and on intimacy with your spouse. If the wife wants to have an orgasm during OM then go for it, but wives, don’t decline OM just because you don’t want an orgasm. Does that make sense?
  5. Grounding. When the timer goes off (after 13 minutes) you should take some time to ground yourselves before separating or continuing on to sex. The husband should change his stroking pattern to a downward motion for a minute or so, and then use both hands embrace his wife’s vulva. This “hug” should continue until the wife releases and deep breath and is ready to be done. Pray and thank God for the intimacy and pleasure you just experienced together.

It’s important to note that OM isn’t intended to be foreplay. You can certainly have sex afterwards if you want to, but the purpose of OM is to promote awareness and intimacy.

In order to reverse this experience and focus on the husband, use the same basic instructions as above but substitute his frenulum for the wife’s clitoris. The wife can use a lubed finger or her tongue to stimulate her husband’s frenulum, or even take the head of his penis into her mouth. The key is the soft repetitive motion, so the approach is going to be very different than a hand job or a blowjob.

If you’re up for an intimacy challenge, consider performing OM together every day for a week, or even a month. At 15 minutes per session, you and your spouse can both OM in the same amount of time it takes to watch a TV show!

Have you ever tried OM before, or anything like it? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

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