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Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.

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I just read the book Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy In Love How-To Manual by Dr. David Clarke. In it he asks a question about “the source of passion in marriage?” The answer is God! God created marriage and even created sex. He wants us to have passion in our marriages! Clarke gives four “passion principles” for spouses to keep God at the center of their marriage.

  1. Come to Christ – Knowing Jesus is the most important thing a person can do. You need Christ as your foundation in order to be able to share him as a couple.
  2. Share Your Personal Spiritual Growth – Talk about what God is doing in your life. Ask each other what you are learning, how you are growing. Read scripture and discuss it. Your spouse should be your best accountability partner.
  3. Pray Together – And not just at meal times. Hold hands and pray out loud. Pray for each other. El Fury always asks me before we go to bed how he can pray for me. It’s such a blessing to know that I always have someone praying for me.
  4. Read the Bible Together – Reading Scripture and discussing it together is an amazing experience. I learn a lot from El Fury. And when we don’t know the answer to something, it’s fun to look it up together.

To have a spiritual bond is incredibly intimate. This is how God designed marriage. Closeness with Him leads to closeness with each other, which means more passion! Passion is what fuels the fire of great sex and great intimacy.

I think Clarke’s Passion Principles are really refreshing compared to a lot of marriage books I have read. Rather than relying on methodology on how to communicate better, resolve conflict, etc. he cuts to the core of your relationship. More Christ. God desires to be intimate with you and your marriage.

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How often should you and your spouse have sex? From the Bible, the answer is basically “as often as your spouse wants”. Here’s the most directly relevant passage; check it out, and then we’ll talk about “conjugal rights” other than sex.

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The literal interpretation of this passage is pretty clear: your spouse is entitled to “conjugal rights”… but what does that mean? It’s more than sex.

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

Let’s also consider the use of the word “authority” in this passage. The Greek word here is exousiazō, and it means exactly what you think: “to have power”, “to be master”. You are the master of your spouse’s body, and your spouse is the master of your body. When you got married, you gave up control of your body to your spouse.

Now, this should be obvious but I’ll say it anyway: God expects you to use your authority in a Christlike manner.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

There is no place for coercion or manipulation in a Christlike marriage, only for mutual self-sacrifice and love.

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